Russian jokes
Encyclopedia
Russian joke
s ( (transcribed
anekdoty), literally anecdote
s), the most popular form of Russian humour
, are short fictional stories or dialogues with a punch line
.
Russian joke culture includes a series of categories with fixed and highly familiar settings and characters. Surprising effects are achieved by an endless variety of plots. Russian jokes are on topics found everywhere in the world, be it sex
, politics
, spouse relations, or mothers-in-law
. This article discusses Russian joke subjects that are peculiar to Russia
n or Soviet
culture.
Every category has a host of untranslatable jokes that rely on linguistic puns, wordplay, and Russian's vocabulary of foul language. Below, (L) marks jokes whose humor value critically depends on untranslatable features of the Russian language.
A huge category is Russian political jokes
.
Standartenführer
Stirlitz
, alias Colonel
Isayev is a character from the Soviet TV series “Seventeen Moments of Spring
” («Семнадцать мгновений весны», based on a novel by Yulian Semyonov
) played by the popular actor Vyacheslav Tikhonov
about a fictional Soviet intelligence officer
who infiltrates Nazi
Germany. Stirlitz interacts with Nazi officials Walther Schellenberg, Ernst Kaltenbrunner
, Martin Bormann
, Heinrich Müller. In the jokes he interacts with them as well as with fictional female radio operator Kat, Pastor Schlagg, Professor Pleischner and other characters in the series. Usually two-liners spoofing the solemn style of the original voice-overs, the plot is resolved in grotesque plays on words or in dumb parodies of overly smart narrow escapes and superlogical trains of thought of the "original" Stirlitz.
Some jokes have also arisen after the colorization
of the film in 2009.
(Lieutenant) Rzhevsky is a cavalry (hussar
) officer, a straightforward, unsophisticated, and immensely rude military type whose rank and standing gain him entrance into disproportionately higher society. In the aristocratic setting of high-society balls and 19th century social sophistication, Rzhevsky, famous for brisk but not very smart remarks, keeps ridiculing the decorum with his vulgarities. In the jokes, he is often seen interacting with characters from the novel War and Peace
by Leo Tolstoy
. The name is borrowed from a character from a popular 1960s comedy, Hussar Ballad
(Russian — «Гусарская баллада»), bearing little in common with the folklore hero. Some researchers point out that many jokes of this kind are versions of 19th century Russian army jokes, and the film contributed to a new series of jokes about Rzhevsky.
There are a number of typical settings in this series.
He also gives his best advice to other Russian gentlemen on love matters. The Poruchik believes that the most straightforward approach is the most effective one.
The surname "Rzhevsky" (which technically means "one hailing from the City of Rzhev
") sounds like a derivative (although technically it is not) of the Russian verb "rzhat'", which has two meanings: 1) to neigh; 2) to laugh in a loud, unrefined fashion, resembling neighing of a horse. "Rzhevsky" is "one who causes people to laugh at him in a loud, unrefined fashion", or, perhaps, "one who neighs".
Rabinovich
, is an archetypal Russian Jew. He is a crafty, cynical, sometimes bitter type, hates the Soviet government, often too smart for his own good and is sometimes portrayed as an otkaznik (refusenik): someone who is refused permission to emigrate to Israel.
This following example explains Vladimir Putin
's remark about "comrade wolf" in relation to the politics of the United States that many non-Russians found cryptic:
. He interacts with his school teacher, Marivanna, a spoken shortened form of Maria Ivanovna, a stereotypical Russian female teacher's name. "Vovochka" is a diminutive form of Vladimir, creating the "little boy" effect. His fellow students bear similarly diminutive names. This "little boy" name is used in contrast with Vovochka's wisecracking, adult, often obscene statements.
During the Soviet times Vovochka was sometimes associated in the jokes with young Vladimir Lenin
. But there are also Vovochka meta-jokes for the contemporary political climate:
Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev
(Russian: Василий Иванович Чапаев), a Red Army
hero of the Russian Civil War
, in the rank of Division Commander, was featured in a hugely popular 1934 biopic
. Other characters from the biopic like his aide-de-camp Petka (Peter — Петька), Anka The Machine-Gunner (Anna — Анка-Пулемётчица), and political commissar
Furmanov
, all based on real people, are also featured in the jokes. Most common topics are about their fight with the monarchist White Army, Chapayev's futile attempts to enroll into the Frunze Military Academy, and the circumstances of his death; officially and in the book, he was machine-gunned by the Whites while attempting to flee across the Ural River
after a lost battle. Chapayev's character is a charismatic, yet not very intelligent leader of a unit, Petka portrayed as a simple village guy, who draws deep respect toward his Commander and Anka doesn't take active part in the jokes, but, when mentioned, works as a sort of catalyst for the humor. In some sex-orientated jokes, Anka is shown as a slutty cheater, who puts both Petka and Chapayev in comical situations, while dating both of them.
A number of jokes involve characters from the famous novels by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle about the private detective Sherlock Holmes
and his friend Doctor Watson. The jokes appeared and became popular soon after the The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson film series came out on Soviet TV in late 1970s - mid-1980s. In all those movies the characters were brilliantly played by the same actors - Vasily Livanov
(as Sherlock Holmes) and Vitaly Solomin
(as Dr. Watson). Quotes from these films are usually included in the jokes («Элементарно, Ватсон!» — "Elementary, my dear Watson!"). The narrator of such a joke usually tries to mimic the unique voice of Vasily Livanov. The standard plot of these jokes is a short dialog where Watson naïvely wonders about something and Holmes finds a "logical" explanation to the phenomenon in question. Occasionally the jokes also include other characters - Mrs. Hudson, the landlady of Holmes's residence on Baker Street, or Sir Henry and his butler Barrymore from The Hound of the Baskervilles
and detective's archnemesis Professor Moriarty
.
This joke won the 2nd place on World's funniest joke
contest.
Some older jokes involve Fantômas
, a fictional criminal and master of disguise from a French detective series Fantômas
, which were once widely popular in the USSR. His archenemy is Inspector Juve, charged with catching him. Fantômas' talent for disguise is usually the focus of the joke, allowing for jokes featuring all sorts of other characters:
New Russian
s, i.e. the nouveau-riche, arrogant and poorly educated post-perestroika
businessmen and gangsters, are a new and very popular category of characters in contemporary Russian jokes. A common plot is the interaction of a New Russian
in his archetypal black-colored Mercedes S600 with a regular Russian in his modest Soviet-era Zaporozhets after having had a car accident. The New Russian is often a violent criminal or at least speaks criminal argot
, with a number of neologisms (or common words with skewed meaning) typical among New Russians. In a way, these anecdotes are a continuation of the Soviet-era series about Georgian
s, who were then depicted as extremely wealthy. The physical appearance of the New Russians is often that of overweight men with short haircuts, thick gold chains and crimson
jackets, with their fingers in the horns gesture, riding the "600 Merc" and showing off their wealth.
fairy tales, where animals are portrayed as sapient beings with a stereotypical
behavior, such as the violent Wolf, the sneaky (female) Fox, the cocky coward Hare, the strong, simple-minded Bear, the multi-dimensional Hedgehog and the king of animal kingdom, Lion. In the Russian language all objects, animate and inanimate, have a (grammatical) gender - masculine, feminine, or neuter. The reader should assume that the Wolf, the Bear, the Hare, the Lion and the Hedgehog are males, whereas the Fox is a female.
Animals in Russian jokes are and were very well aware of politics in the realm of humans.
Often animal jokes are in fact fable
s, i.e., their punchline is (or eventually becomes) a kind of a maxim.
Aside from mammals, a rather common non-human is the Golden Fish, who asks the catcher to release her in exchange for three wishes. The first Russian instance of this appeared in Alexander Pushkin's The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish
. In jokes, the Fisherman may be replaced by a representative of a nationality or ethnicity and the third wish usually makes the punch line
of the joke.
A similar type of joke involves a wish-granting Genie
, the main difference being that in the case of the Golden Fish the Fisherman suffers from his own stupidity or greed, while Genie
is known for ingeniously twisting an interpretation of the wish to fool the grantee.
. The second prize is 100 rouble
s and a ticket to Sochi
... The first prize is a portable stop sign
. (There are several versions with this punch line about the stop sign. This one depicts a Soviet peculiarity. A portable stop sign allows the militsioner to put it in an unexpected or hard to see place on a road, fine everyone passing it and appropriate most of the fines for himself.)
Chukchi
, the native people of Chukotka
, the most remote northeast corner of Russia, are the most common minority targeted for generic ethnic jokes in Russia — many other nations have a particular one they make fun of (cf. Canadians in American
humor, Irish
jokes in English
humour, Newfie
jokes about Newfoundlanders in Canada
or jokes about Belgian
s in France
and the Netherlands
). In jokes, they are depicted as generally primitive, uncivilized and simple-minded, but clever in a naive kind of way. A propensity for constantly saying "odnako" — equivalent to "however" depending on context — is a staple of Chukcha jokes. Often a partner of Chukcha in the jokes is a Russian geologist.
Chukchi do not miss their chance to retaliate.
Chukchi in jokes, due to their innocence, often see the inner truth of situations.
Ukrainians
are depicted as rustic, greedy and fond of salted salo
(pork back fat), and their accent, which is imitated in jokes, is perceived as funny.
This response is based on Ukrainian tradition to try all dishes when being a guest to say to the hostess that they are tasty.
Ukrainians are perceived to bear a grudge against Russians (derided as Moskal
i by Ukrainians)
Georgians
are almost always depicted as masculine, suave, hot-blooded or sexually addicted, and in some cases, all four at the same time. A very loud and theatrical Georgian accent, including the grammatical errors typical of Georgians, and occasional Georgian words are considered funny to imitate in Russian and often becomes a joke in itself.
In some jokes, they are portrayed as rich, because in Soviet times, Georgians were also perceived as running black market businesses. There is a funny expression, that usually in police reports they are termed as "persons of Caucasian nationality" . Since the Russian word for "person" in the formal sense, , is the same as the word for "face", this allows a play on words about "faces of Caucasian nationality". In Russia itself, most people see "persons of Caucasian nationality" mostly at marketplaces selling fruits and flowers. Many jokes about Georgians are being recently retold in terms of "New Russians".
are often used interchangeably with Georgians, sharing some of the stereotypes. However their unique context is the fictitious Armenian Radio
, usually telling political jokes. Many jokes are based on word play, often combined with the usage of Southern accent and consequent misunderstanding between the characters.
and Finns are depicted as having no sense of humour and being stubborn, taciturn and especially slow. The Estonian accent, especially its sing-song tune and the lack of genders in grammar, forms part of the humour. Their common usage of long vowels and consonants
both in speech and orthography (e.g. words such as Tallinn
, Saaremaa
) also led to the stereotype of being slow in speech, thinking and action. In the everyday life a person may be derisively named a "hot Estonian fellow" (or, in similar spirit, a "hot-tempered Finnish bloke", a phrase popularized by the 1995 Russian comedy Peculiarities of National Hunt
) to emphasize tardiness or lack of temperament. Indeed, Estonians play a similar role in Soviet humor to that of Finns in Scandinavian jokes.
Finnish political scientist Ilmari Susiluoto
, also an author of three books on Russian humor, writes that Finns and Russians understand each other's humor. "Being included in a Russian anecdote is a privilege that Danes or Dutchmen have not attained. These nations are too boring and unvaried to rise into the consciousness of a large country. But the funny and slightly silly, stubborn Finns, the Chukhnas do."
Finns share with Chukchi their ability to withstand cold:
). The jokes are usually told with a characteristic Jewish accent (stretching out syllables, parodying the uvular trill
of "R", etc.) and some peculiarities of sentence structure calque
d into Russian from Yiddish.
Russian stereotypes about Chinese people
are probably the same as in Western world
. Common jokes center on the size of the Chinese population, the Chinese language
, and the perceptions of the Chinese as cunning, industrious, and hard-working. Other popular jokes revolve around the belief that the Chinese are capable of amazing feats by primitive means, such as the Great Leap Forward
.
A good deal of the jokes are puns based on the fact that a widespread Chinese syllable (spelled "hui" in pinyin
) sounds very similar to the obscene Russian word for penis
. For this reason since about 1956 the Russian-Chinese dictionaries render the Russian transcription of this syllable as "хуэй" (huey), the most embarrassing case probably being the word "socialism
" (社会主义; pinyin
: shè huì zhǔ yì), rendered previously as шэ-хуй-чжу-и.
are a stereotype in Russian jokes themselves when set next to other stereotyped ethnicities. Thus, the Russian appearing in a triple joke with two Westerners, like a Pole
, German
, French
, American
or Englishman
, will provide for a self-ironic punchline depicting him as simple-minded and negligently careless but physically robust, which often ensures he retains the upper hand over his less naive Western counterparts. Another common plot is a Russian holding a contest with technologically superior opponents (usually, an American and a Japanese) and winning with sheer brute force or a clever trick.
s.
A Russian slang for 'testicle
' is 'egg
' (yaitso). A large variety of jokes capitalizes on this, ranging from predictably silly to surprisingly elegant.
A notable feature of Soviet humor is the virtual lack of jokes about religion
. This is because religion and religious followers were persecuted under Soviet rule
.
Nevertheless, there are jokes out there that make fun of the clergy. They tend to be told in quasi-Church Slavonic, with its archaisms and the stereotypical okanye - a clear pronunciation of the unstressed /o/ as /o/. (Modern Russian or "Muscovite" speech reduces unstressed /o/ to /a/
.) Clergymen in these jokes always bear obsolete names of distinctively Greek origin and speak in basso profundo.
Other jokes touching on religion involve Heaven or Hell.
) is an archetypal bully of limited wit.
A. Dmitriev illustrates his sociological
essay "Army Humor" with a large number of military jokes, mostly of Russian origin.
There is an enormous number of one-liners, supposedly quoting a praporschik:
The punchline "from the fence to lunchtime" has become a well-known Russian cliché
for an assignment with no defined ending (or for doing something forever).
Some of them are philosophical and apply not just to warrant officers.
Commander and intellectual trooper:
(A persistent theme in Russian military/police/law-enforcement-related jokes is the ongoing conflict between the representatives of the armed forces/law enforcement, and the "intelligentsia
", i.e. well-educated members of society. Therefore, this theme is a satire of the image of military/law-enforcement officers and superiors as dumb and distrustful of "those educated smart-alecks".)
Until shortly before perestroika
, all fit male students of higher education
had obligatory military ROTC courses from which they graduate as junior officers in the military reserve
. A good deal of military jokes originated there.
- Comrade praporshchik, there is no temperature like -400 degrees!.
- It's a secret device.
Sometimes, these silly statements can cross over, intentionally or unintentionally, into the realm of actual wit:
It also can be jokes about Russian nuclear-missile forces and worldwide disasters because of lack of basic army discipline.
There is also an eternal dispute between servicemen and civilians:
The phrase "The doc said 'to the morgue', to the morgue it is!" (Доктор сказал «в морг» — значит в морг!) became a well-known Russian cliché meaning that something unpleasant must be done.
for good grades.
A large number of jokes are about an exam; these are usually a dialogue between the professor and the student, based on a set of questions written on a bilet (a small sheet of paper, literally: ticket), which the student draws at random in the exam room and is given some time to prepare answers for. Even more jokes use the fact that many (or even most) students really study only when the exam is in the near future (in one or two days), saving time for more interesting activities such as parties, videogames and so on.
Cowboy jokes is a popular series about a Wild West full of trigger-happy simple-minded cowboy
s, and of course the perception is that everything is big
in Texas
. It is often difficult to guess whether these are imported or genuinely Russian inventions. Other times, it's pretty clear. Most of them depict American national traits that Russians adore and respect.
s are quite common in Russian humor, just as in the humor of other cultures. However psychiatry was part of Soviet political repressions
and it is claimed that the tradition continued into modern Russia (see article "Psikhushka
"). Therefore there is a notable political subseries of jokes about the mentally ill that is observed in Russian humor.
A large number of jokes, arguably unparalleled among other nations, are about people with acute dystrophy
, informally called distrofik in Russia. The main topics are extreme weakness, slowness, leanness, and weightlessness of a distrofik.
Some of them originated in the infamous Gulag
camps. Alexander Solzhenitsyn in his Gulag Archipelago (as well as other writers about Gulag) wrote that dystrophy was a typical phase in the life of a gulag inmate. He quotes the following Gulag joke. In order to deny international rumors, Stalin allowed a foreign delegation to inspect some Gulag camps. As a result a foreign reporter wrote "a zek (gulag inmate) is lazy, gluttonous, and deceiving". By a misfortune the same reporter landed in a gulag as an inmate himself. When released, he wrote "a zek is lean, ringing, and transparent" (Russian: tonkiy, zvonkiy and prozrachny).
Others depict scorn of working class people to intelligentsia, who were most often physically underdeveloped.
, can enhance the humorous effect of a joke by its emotional impact. Due to the somewhat different cultural attitude to obscene slang, such an effect is difficult to render in English. The taboo status often makes mat itself the subject of a joke. One typical plot goes as follows.
(L) Another series of jokes exploits the richness of the mat vocabulary, which can give a substitute to a great many words of everyday conversation. Other languages often use profanity in a similar way (like the English fuck, for example), but the highly synthetic
grammar of Russian
provides for the unambiguity and the outstandingly great number of various derivations from a single mat root
. Emil Draitser
points out that linguists explain that the linguistic properties of the Russian language rich in affix
es allows for expression of a wide variety of feelings and notions using only a few core mat words:
As an ultimate joke in this series, the goal is to apply such substitution to as many words of a sentence as possible while keeping it meaningful. The following dialog at a construction site between a foreman and a worker retains a clear meaning even with all of its 14 words being derived from the single obscene word khuy. Russian language proficiency is needed to understand this.
Word-by-word:
Possible, but incomplete translation:
After this example one may readily believe the following semi-apocryphal story. An inspection was expected at a Soviet plant to award it the Quality Mark
, so the administration prohibited the usage of mat. On the next day the productivity dropped abruptly. People's Control
figured out the reason: miscommunication. It turned out that workers knew all the tools and parts only by their mat-based names: huyovina, pizdyulina, huynyushka, huyatina, etc. (all of these are loosely translated as "thing"); the same went for technological processes: othuyachit (to detach, cut, disconnect), zayebenit (to push through, force into), prihuyachit (to attach, connect, bond, nail), huynut (to move slightly, throw, pour), zahuyarit (to throw far away, to put in deeply) etc.
and padonkaffsky jargon
using Russian and Ukrainian language
to create an Olbanian language. It became so popular, that President of Russia, Dmitry Medvedev
jokingly suggested the Olbanian language should be taught in schools.
Joke
A joke is a phrase or a paragraph with a humorous twist. It can be in many different forms, such as a question or short story. To achieve this end, jokes may employ irony, sarcasm, word play and other devices...
s ( (transcribed
Transcription (linguistics)
Transcription in the linguistic sense is the systematic representation of language in written form. The source can either be utterances or preexisting text in another writing system, although some linguists only consider the former as transcription.Transcription should not be confused with...
anekdoty), literally anecdote
Anecdote
An anecdote is a short and amusing or interesting story about a real incident or person. It may be as brief as the setting and provocation of a bon mot. An anecdote is always presented as based on a real incident involving actual persons, whether famous or not, usually in an identifiable place...
s), the most popular form of Russian humour
Russian humour
Russian humour gains much of its wit from the inflection of the Russian language, allowing for plays on words and unexpected associations. As with any other culture's humour, its vast scope ranges from lewd jokes and wordplay to political satire.- Jokes :...
, are short fictional stories or dialogues with a punch line
Punch line
A punch line is the final part of a joke, comedy sketch, or profound statement, usually the word, sentence or exchange of sentences which is intended to be funny or to provoke laughter or thought from listeners...
.
Russian joke culture includes a series of categories with fixed and highly familiar settings and characters. Surprising effects are achieved by an endless variety of plots. Russian jokes are on topics found everywhere in the world, be it sex
Sex
In biology, sex is a process of combining and mixing genetic traits, often resulting in the specialization of organisms into a male or female variety . Sexual reproduction involves combining specialized cells to form offspring that inherit traits from both parents...
, politics
Politics
Politics is a process by which groups of people make collective decisions. The term is generally applied to the art or science of running governmental or state affairs, including behavior within civil governments, but also applies to institutions, fields, and special interest groups such as the...
, spouse relations, or mothers-in-law
Mother-in-law joke
Humour and jokes about one's mother-in-law are a mainstay of comedy. The humour is based on the premise that the average mother-in-law often considers her son-in-law to be unsuitable for her daughter , and usually includes the stereotype that mothers-in-law are generally overbearing, obnoxious, or...
. This article discusses Russian joke subjects that are peculiar to Russia
Russia
Russia or , officially known as both Russia and the Russian Federation , is a country in northern Eurasia. It is a federal semi-presidential republic, comprising 83 federal subjects...
n or Soviet
Soviet Union
The Soviet Union , officially the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics , was a constitutionally socialist state that existed in Eurasia between 1922 and 1991....
culture.
Every category has a host of untranslatable jokes that rely on linguistic puns, wordplay, and Russian's vocabulary of foul language. Below, (L) marks jokes whose humor value critically depends on untranslatable features of the Russian language.
A huge category is Russian political jokes
Russian political jokes
Russian political jokes are a part of Russian humour and can be naturally grouped into the major time periods: Imperial Russia, Soviet Union and finally post-Soviet Russia...
.
Standartenführer Stirlitz
Standartenführer
Standartenführer was a Nazi Party paramilitary rank that was used in the so-called Nazi combat-organisations: SA, SS, NSKK and the NSFK...
Stirlitz
Stirlitz
Max Otto von Stierlitz is the lead character in a popular Russian book series written in the 1960s by novelist Julian Semyonov and of the television adaptation Seventeen Moments of Spring, starring Vyacheslav Tikhonov, as well as in feature films, produced in the Soviet era, and in a number of...
, alias Colonel
Colonel
Colonel , abbreviated Col or COL, is a military rank of a senior commissioned officer. It or a corresponding rank exists in most armies and in many air forces; the naval equivalent rank is generally "Captain". It is also used in some police forces and other paramilitary rank structures...
Isayev is a character from the Soviet TV series “Seventeen Moments of Spring
Seventeen Moments of Spring
Seventeen Moments of Spring is a 1973 Soviet TV miniseries. It was filmed at Gorky Film Studio, directed by Tatyana Lioznova and based on the book of the same title by the novelist Yulian Semyonov. The series comprises 12 episodes of 70 minutes each...
” («Семнадцать мгновений весны», based on a novel by Yulian Semyonov
Yulian Semyonov
Yulian Semyonovich Semyonov , pen-name of Yulian Semyonovich Lyandres , was a Soviet and Russian writer of spy fiction and crime fiction.-Career:...
) played by the popular actor Vyacheslav Tikhonov
Vyacheslav Tikhonov
Vyacheslav Vasilyevich Tikhonov was a Soviet and Russian actor whose best known role was as Soviet spy Stirlitz in the television series Seventeen Moments of Spring. He was a recipient of numerous state awards, including the titles of People's Artist of the USSR and Hero of Socialist Labour .-...
about a fictional Soviet intelligence officer
Intelligence officer
An intelligence officer is a person employed by an organization to collect, compile and/or analyze information which is of use to that organization...
who infiltrates Nazi
Nazism
Nazism, the common short form name of National Socialism was the ideology and practice of the Nazi Party and of Nazi Germany...
Germany. Stirlitz interacts with Nazi officials Walther Schellenberg, Ernst Kaltenbrunner
Ernst Kaltenbrunner
Ernst Kaltenbrunner was an Austrian-born senior official of Nazi Germany during World War II. Between January 1943 and May 1945, he held the offices of Chief of the Reichssicherheitshauptamt , President of Interpol and, as a Obergruppenführer und General der Polizei und Waffen-SS, he was the...
, Martin Bormann
Martin Bormann
Martin Ludwig Bormann was a prominent Nazi official. He became head of the Party Chancellery and private secretary to Adolf Hitler...
, Heinrich Müller. In the jokes he interacts with them as well as with fictional female radio operator Kat, Pastor Schlagg, Professor Pleischner and other characters in the series. Usually two-liners spoofing the solemn style of the original voice-overs, the plot is resolved in grotesque plays on words or in dumb parodies of overly smart narrow escapes and superlogical trains of thought of the "original" Stirlitz.
- Müller was walking through the forest when he saw two eyes staring at him in the darkness. "An owl," thought Müller. "You're an owl yourself!" thought Stirlitz.
- Stirlitz opened a door. The lights went on. Stirlitz closed the door. The lights went out. Stirlitz opened the door again. The light went back on. Stirlitz closed the door. The light went out again. "It's a refrigerator," concluded Stirlitz.
- Upon exiting the bar, Stirlitz received a strong blow in the back of the head. Turning around, he saw that it was the pavement.
- Stirlitz wakes up to find out he has been arrested. "Who got me? Which identity should I use?" he wonders. "Let's see. If they wear black uniforms, I'll say I'm Standartenführer Stirlitz. If they wear green uniforms, I'm Colonel Isayev". The door opens and a policeman in a blue uniform comes in saying, "You really should ease up on the vodka, Comrade Tikhonov!"
- SS men blocked all exits from the building. "Idiots," he thought and went out through the entrance.
Some jokes have also arisen after the colorization
Film colorization
Film colorization is any process that adds color to black-and-white, sepia or monochrome moving-picture images. It may be done as a special effect, or to modernize black-and-white films, or to restore color films...
of the film in 2009.
Poruchik Rzhevsky
PoruchikPoruchik
Poruchik was a military rank in several Slavic countries, such as the Russian Empire and the Republic of Poland, equivalent to Lieutenant. "Poruchik" means "messenger", "officer for orders". This is a Slavic copy of the term "Lieutenant" .In Russia this rank was first introduced in Strelets New...
(Lieutenant) Rzhevsky is a cavalry (hussar
Hussar
Hussar refers to a number of types of light cavalry which originated in Hungary in the 14th century, tracing its roots from Serbian medieval cavalry tradition, brought to Hungary in the course of the Serb migrations, which began in the late 14th century....
) officer, a straightforward, unsophisticated, and immensely rude military type whose rank and standing gain him entrance into disproportionately higher society. In the aristocratic setting of high-society balls and 19th century social sophistication, Rzhevsky, famous for brisk but not very smart remarks, keeps ridiculing the decorum with his vulgarities. In the jokes, he is often seen interacting with characters from the novel War and Peace
War and Peace
War and Peace is a novel by the Russian author Leo Tolstoy, first published in 1869. The work is epic in scale and is regarded as one of the most important works of world literature...
by Leo Tolstoy
Leo Tolstoy
Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy was a Russian writer who primarily wrote novels and short stories. Later in life, he also wrote plays and essays. His two most famous works, the novels War and Peace and Anna Karenina, are acknowledged as two of the greatest novels of all time and a pinnacle of realist...
. The name is borrowed from a character from a popular 1960s comedy, Hussar Ballad
Hussar Ballad
The Hussar Ballad is a 1962 Soviet musical film by Eldar Ryazanov, filmed on Mosfilm. In effect, it is one of the best loved musical comedies in Russia....
(Russian — «Гусарская баллада»), bearing little in common with the folklore hero. Some researchers point out that many jokes of this kind are versions of 19th century Russian army jokes, and the film contributed to a new series of jokes about Rzhevsky.
There are a number of typical settings in this series.
- Rzhevsky's (and supposedly all hussars') view of women as strictly sexual objects.
- An Englishman, a Frenchman, a FräuleinFräuleinFräulein is the German language honorific previously in common use for unmarried women, comparable to Miss in English. Fräulein is the diminutive form of Frau, which was previously reserved only for married women. Since the 1970s, Fräulein has come to be used less often, and was banned from...
and Poruchik Rzhevsky are all aboard an airplane. Suddenly the plane starts falling and it is revealed that there is only one parachute. Rzhevsky starts putting the parachute on. The Englishman and the Frenchman exclaim: "Poruchik, there is a lady here!". Rzhevsky, looking at his watch nervously, says: "Think we'll have enough time?".
- An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Fräulein
- Natasha RostovaNatasha RostovaCountess Natalya "Natasha" Ilyinichna Rostova is a central fictional character in Leo Tolstoy's novel War and Peace.-Biography:...
asks in a romantic voice: "Poruchik, do you remember your first teacher?". Rzhevsky: "My first one was a nurse".
- Rzhevsky's (and supposedly all hussars') nonchalant attitude to love and sex.
- Poruchik Rzhevsky is putting his riding boots on and is about to take leave of a charming demoiselle he had met the previous evening. "Mon cher Poruchik," intones the siren, "aren't you forgetting about the money?" Rzhevsky turns to her and says proudly: "Hussars never take money!" — The latter expression (Gusary deneg ne berut!) has become a Russian catchphrase.
He also gives his best advice to other Russian gentlemen on love matters. The Poruchik believes that the most straightforward approach is the most effective one.
- Kniaz Andrei Bolkonski asks Poruchik Rzhevsky: "Tell me, Poruchik, how did you come to be so good with the ladies? What is your secret?" - "It's quite simplement, mon Prince, quite simplement. I just come over and say: 'Madame, would you like to fuckFuck"Fuck" is an English word that is generally considered obscene which, in its most literal meaning, refers to the act of sexual intercourse. By extension it may be used to negatively characterize anything that can be dismissed, disdained, defiled, or destroyed."Fuck" can be used as a verb, adverb,...
?'" - "But Poruchik, you'll get slapped in the face for that!" - "Oui, almost all of them slap, but some of them fuck."
- A series of jokes in which Rzhevsky wants to surprise the high society with a witticism, but messes up.
- Poruchik Rzhevsky asks his aide: "Stepan, there is a grand ball tonight. Got any new puns for me to tell there?" — "Sure, sir, how about this rhyme: 'Adam had Eve... right on the eve... of their very last day in Eden...'" — "That's a good one!". Later, at the ball: "Monsieurs, monsieurs'! My Stepan taught me a funny chanson ridicule: 'Adam boinked Eve at dawn...' Pardon, not like that... 'Adam and Eve fuck through the night ...' Er... Hell, basically they fuck, but it was absolutement splendid in verse!"
- A series of jokes is based on a paradox of vulgarity within the "high society" setting.
- Natasha RostovaNatasha RostovaCountess Natalya "Natasha" Ilyinichna Rostova is a central fictional character in Leo Tolstoy's novel War and Peace.-Biography:...
has her first ball and dances with Pierre BezukhovPierre BezukhovCount Pyotr "Pierre" Kirillovich Bezukhov is a central fictional character in Leo Tolstoy's novel War and Peace. He is the favourite of several illegitimate sons of the wealthy nobleman Count Kirill Vladimirovich Bezukhov.-Description:...
: "Pierre, isn't that grease on your collar?"/"Oh my, how could I miss such a terrible flaw in my costume, I'm totally destroyed" (walks away). Then she dances with Kniaz Bolkonsky: "Andrew, isn't there a dip of sauce on your tunic?"/ (Bolkonsky faints). Finally she's dancing with Rzhevsky: "Poruchik, your boots are all covered in mud!"/"It's not mud, it's shit. Don't worry, mademoiselle, it'll fall off once it dries up."
- Natasha Rostova
- While successful narration of quite a few Russian jokes heavily depends on using sexual vulgarities ("Russian matRussian matMat is the term for strong obscene profanity in Russian and some other Slavic language communities.Use of mat is censored in the media and use of mat in public constitutes a form of disorderly conduct, punishable under article 20.1.1 of the Offences Code of Russia, although it is only enforced...
"), Rzhevsky, with all his vulgarity, does not use heavy mat. One of his favorite words is arseButtocksThe buttocks are two rounded portions of the anatomy, located on the posterior of the pelvic region of apes and humans, and many other bipeds or quadrupeds, and comprise a layer of fat superimposed on the gluteus maximus and gluteus medius muscles. Physiologically, the buttocks enable weight to...
(which is considered rather mild among Russian vulgarities), and there is a series of jokes where Rzhevsky answers "arse" to some innocent question. (In fact it is typical of poruchik Rzhevsky to make anti-romantic comments in the most romantic situations.)- Poruchik Rzhevsky and Natasha Rostova are riding each other on the countryside. "Poruchik, what a beautiful meadow! Guess what I see there?" — "Ass, mademoiselle?" — "Ouch, Poruchik! I see chamomileChamomileChamomile or camomile is a common name for several daisy-like plants of the family Asteraceae. These plants are best known for their ability to be made into an infusion which is commonly used to help with sleep and is often served with either honey or lemon. Because chamomile can cause uterine...
s!" (Chamomiles are Russian clicheClichéA cliché or cliche is an expression, idea, or element of an artistic work which has been overused to the point of losing its original meaning or effect, especially when at some earlier time it was considered meaningful or novel. In phraseology, the term has taken on a more technical meaning,...
folk flowers) — "How romantic, mademoiselle! An ass amid chamomiles!.."
- Poruchik Rzhevsky and Natasha Rostova are riding each other on the countryside. "Poruchik, what a beautiful meadow! Guess what I see there?" — "Ass, mademoiselle?" — "Ouch, Poruchik! I see chamomile
- The essence of Rzhevsky's peculiarity is captured in the following meta-jokeMeta-jokeMeta-joke refers to several somewhat different, but related categories: self-referential jokes, jokes about jokes , and joke templates.-Self-referential jokes:...
.- Rzhevsky narrates his latest adventure to his Hussar comrades. "...So I am riding through this dark wood and suddenly see a wide, white..." — Hussars, all together: "...arse!" — "Of course not! A gladeGlade (geography)A glade or clearing is an open area within a woodland. Glades are often grassy meadows under the canopy of deciduous trees such as red alder or quaking aspen in western North America. They also represent openings in forests where local conditions such as avalanches, poor soils, or fire damage have...
full of chamomiles! And right in the middle there is a beautiful white..." — Hussars encore: "...arse!" — "How vulgar of you! A mansion! So I open the door and guess what I see?" — Hussars, encore: "An arse!" — Poruchik, genuinely surprised: "How did you guess? Did I tell this story before?"
- Rzhevsky narrates his latest adventure to his Hussar comrades. "...So I am riding through this dark wood and suddenly see a wide, white..." — Hussars, all together: "...arse!" — "Of course not! A glade
- This topic culminates in the following joke, sometimes called "the ultimate Hussar joke".
- Countess Maria BolkonskayaMaria BolkonskayaPrincess Marya Nikolaevna Bolkonsky is a fictional character in Leo Tolstoy's novel War and Peace....
celebrates her 50th anniversary, the whole local Hussar regimentRegimentA regiment is a major tactical military unit, composed of variable numbers of batteries, squadrons or battalions, commanded by a colonel or lieutenant colonel...
is invited, and the Countess boasts about her presents. "CornetCornet (military rank)Cornet was originally the third and lowest grade of commissioned officer in a British cavalry troop, after captain and lieutenant. A cornet is a new and junior officer.- Traditional duties :The cornet carried the troop standard, also known as a "cornet"....
ObolenskyObolenskyObolensky is the name of a princely Russian family of the Rurik Dynasty. The family of aristocrats mostly fled Russia in 1917 during the Russian Revolution...
presented me a lovely set of 50 Chinese fragrant candles. I loved them so much that I immediately stuck them into the 7 seven-branch candlestickCandlestickA candlestick, chamberstick, or candelabrum is a holder for one or more candles, used for illumination, rituals, or decorative purposes. The name 'candlestick' derives from the fact that it is usually tall and stick-shaped.Candlesticks are also called candle holders...
s you see on the table. Quite fortunate numbers! Unfortunately there is one candle left, and I don't know where to stick it..." — The whole Hussar regiment takes a deep breath... And the Hussar Colonel barks out: "Hussars, not a word!!!" (The gist of the joke is that every Russian adult knows what the Hussars wanted to say: "Stick it up your ass!")
- Countess Maria Bolkonskaya
The surname "Rzhevsky" (which technically means "one hailing from the City of Rzhev
Rzhev
Rzhev is a town in Tver Oblast, Russia, southwest of Staritsa and from Tver, on the highway and railway connecting Moscow and Riga. It is the uppermost town situated on the Volga River. Population:...
") sounds like a derivative (although technically it is not) of the Russian verb "rzhat'", which has two meanings: 1) to neigh; 2) to laugh in a loud, unrefined fashion, resembling neighing of a horse. "Rzhevsky" is "one who causes people to laugh at him in a loud, unrefined fashion", or, perhaps, "one who neighs".
Rabinovich
Rabinovich
Rabinovich , is a Russian Ashkenazi Jewish surname, Slavic for "son of the rabbi". The Polish/Lithuanian equivalents are Rabinowitz or Rabinowicz....
, is an archetypal Russian Jew. He is a crafty, cynical, sometimes bitter type, hates the Soviet government, often too smart for his own good and is sometimes portrayed as an otkaznik (refusenik): someone who is refused permission to emigrate to Israel.
- Rabinovich fills out a job application form. The official is skeptical: "You stated that you don't have any relatives abroad, but you do have a brother in IsraelIsraelThe State of Israel is a parliamentary republic located in the Middle East, along the eastern shore of the Mediterranean Sea...
." / "Yes, but
- An acquaintance of Rabinovich runs into him on a Moscow street. Surprised he asks, "Rabinovich, why haven't you emigrated to Israel?" "What for?" replies Rabinovich, "I can feel bitter here just as well!"
- Seeing a pompous and lavish burial of a member of the Politburo, Rabinovich sadly shakes his head: "What a waste! I could have buried the whole Politburo with this kind of money!"
- Rabinovich is walking along the street when one of his relatives sees him and inquires seemingly concerned, "Rabinovich, how are you?" "You'll get tired of waiting!" retorts Rabinovich.
- Rabinovich is lying on his deathbed. He calls for his wife, Sarah, and when she comes in he questions her, "Sarah, I'm about to die. Tell me honestly... Have you ever cheated on me?" "But what if you don't die?" wonders Sarah.
- Rabinovich calls PamyatPamyatPamyat is a Russian nationalist organization identifying itself as the "People's National-patriotic Orthodox Christian movement." The group's stated focus is preserving Russian culture.- History :...
headquarters, speaking with a characteristic accent: "Tell me, is it true that Jews sold Russia?"/ "Yes, of course it's true, Jew-nose!"/ "Oh good! Could you please tell me where I should go to get my share?"
This following example explains Vladimir Putin
Vladimir Putin
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin served as the second President of the Russian Federation and is the current Prime Minister of Russia, as well as chairman of United Russia and Chairman of the Council of Ministers of the Union of Russia and Belarus. He became acting President on 31 December 1999, when...
's remark about "comrade wolf" in relation to the politics of the United States that many non-Russians found cryptic:
- Rabinovich is walking through the forest with a sheep, when both of them stumble into a pit. A few minutes later, a wolf also falls into the pit. The sheep gets nervous and starts bleating. "What's with all the baaahh, baaahh?" Rabinovich asks, "Comrade wolf knows whom to eat."
Vovochka
Vovochka is the Russian equivalent of Little JohnnyLittle Johnny
Little Johnny jokes are about a small boy who likes to ask embarrassing questions and has a very straightforward thinking. At times he is well educated in the terminology of sex, while at others he is all too innocent...
. He interacts with his school teacher, Marivanna, a spoken shortened form of Maria Ivanovna, a stereotypical Russian female teacher's name. "Vovochka" is a diminutive form of Vladimir, creating the "little boy" effect. His fellow students bear similarly diminutive names. This "little boy" name is used in contrast with Vovochka's wisecracking, adult, often obscene statements.
- In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumberCucumberThe cucumber is a widely cultivated plant in the gourd family Cucurbitaceae, which includes squash, and in the same genus as the muskmelon. The plant is a creeping vine which bears cylindrical edible fruit when ripe. There are three main varieties of cucumber: "slicing", "pickling", and...
on the blackboardBlackboardA chalkboard is a reusable writing surface.Blackboard may also refer to:* Blackboards are synonymous with "boards of infamy", an element of agitation-propaganda in the Soviet Union in 1930s, coincidental with Holodomor...
: "Children, could someone tell me what is this?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a dickPenisThe penis is a biological feature of male animals including both vertebrates and invertebrates...
, Marivanna!" Maria Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal rushes in: "All right, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you broke a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a dick on the blackboard?" - The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A"; Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "AssholeAssholeThe word asshole, a variant of arsehole, which is still prevalent in British and Australian English, is a term used pejoratively to describe the anus.-History:...
!" The teacher, shocked, responds "For shame! There's no such word!" "That's strange," says Vovochka, "the asshole exists, but the word doesn't!" - "Mom!" called Vovochka one day. "Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?" "Yes", said his mother. "What about it?" "Well the last generation has just dropped the custom."
During the Soviet times Vovochka was sometimes associated in the jokes with young Vladimir Lenin
Vladimir Lenin
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin was a Russian Marxist revolutionary and communist politician who led the October Revolution of 1917. As leader of the Bolsheviks, he headed the Soviet state during its initial years , as it fought to establish control of Russia in the Russian Civil War and worked to create a...
. But there are also Vovochka meta-jokes for the contemporary political climate:
- Since the election of Vladimir PutinVladimir PutinVladimir Vladimirovich Putin served as the second President of the Russian Federation and is the current Prime Minister of Russia, as well as chairman of United Russia and Chairman of the Council of Ministers of the Union of Russia and Belarus. He became acting President on 31 December 1999, when...
, all jokes about Vovochka shall be considered political.
Vasily Ivanovich
Vasily Chapayev
Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev or Chapaev was a celebrated Russian soldier and Red Army commander during the Russian Civil War.-Biography:...
(Russian: Василий Иванович Чапаев), a Red Army
Red Army
The Workers' and Peasants' Red Army started out as the Soviet Union's revolutionary communist combat groups during the Russian Civil War of 1918-1922. It grew into the national army of the Soviet Union. By the 1930s the Red Army was among the largest armies in history.The "Red Army" name refers to...
hero of the Russian Civil War
Russian Civil War
The Russian Civil War was a multi-party war that occurred within the former Russian Empire after the Russian provisional government collapsed to the Soviets, under the domination of the Bolshevik party. Soviet forces first assumed power in Petrograd The Russian Civil War (1917–1923) was a...
, in the rank of Division Commander, was featured in a hugely popular 1934 biopic
Chapaev (film)
Chapaev is a 1934 Soviet film. It was directed by the Vasilyev brothers on Lenfilm. It is a story about Vasily Ivanovich Chapaev , a legendary Red Army commander who became a hero of the Russian Civil War...
. Other characters from the biopic like his aide-de-camp Petka (Peter — Петька), Anka The Machine-Gunner (Anna — Анка-Пулемётчица), and political commissar
Commissar
Commissar is the English transliteration of an official title used in Russia from the time of Peter the Great.The title was used during the Provisional Government for regional heads of administration, but it is mostly associated with a number of Cheka and military functions in Bolshevik and Soviet...
Furmanov
Dmitri Furmanov
Dmitry Andreyevich Furmanov was a Russian writer. During the Russian Civil War he joined the Red Army and served as a Bolshevik commissar. He is well-known for his novel Chapayev about Vasily Chapayev, a Red Army officer and a hero of the Civil War. The novel is available in English translation.In...
, all based on real people, are also featured in the jokes. Most common topics are about their fight with the monarchist White Army, Chapayev's futile attempts to enroll into the Frunze Military Academy, and the circumstances of his death; officially and in the book, he was machine-gunned by the Whites while attempting to flee across the Ural River
Ural River
The Ural or Jayıq/Zhayyq , known as Yaik before 1775, is a river flowing through Russia and Kazakhstan. It arises in the southern Ural Mountains and ends at the Caspian Sea. Its total length is 1,511 mi making it the third longest river in Europe after the Volga and the Danube...
after a lost battle. Chapayev's character is a charismatic, yet not very intelligent leader of a unit, Petka portrayed as a simple village guy, who draws deep respect toward his Commander and Anka doesn't take active part in the jokes, but, when mentioned, works as a sort of catalyst for the humor. In some sex-orientated jokes, Anka is shown as a slutty cheater, who puts both Petka and Chapayev in comical situations, while dating both of them.
- "I flunked again, Petka. The question was about CaesarJulius CaesarGaius Julius Caesar was a Roman general and statesman and a distinguished writer of Latin prose. He played a critical role in the gradual transformation of the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire....
, and I told them it's a stallion from the 7th cavalry squadron." / "Oh, my bad, Vasily Ivanovich! While you were away, I had him moved to the 6th!"
- Chapayev, Petka and Anka, in hiding from the Whites, are plastoon-style crawling across a field, first Anka, then Petka and Chapayev last. Petka says to Anka, "Anka, you lied about your proletarian descent! Your mother must have been a ballerinaBallerinaA ballerina is a title used to describe a principal female professional ballet dancer in a large company; the male equivalent to this title is danseur or ballerino...
-- your legs are so fine!" Chapayev responds, "And your father, Petka, must have been a plowman: you are leaving such a deep furrow!"
- On the occasion of an anniversaryAnniversaryAn anniversary is a day that commemorates or celebrates a past event that occurred on the same day of the year as the initial event. For example, the first event is the initial occurrence or, if planned, the inaugural of the event. One year later would be the first anniversary of that event...
of the October RevolutionOctober RevolutionThe October Revolution , also known as the Great October Socialist Revolution , Red October, the October Uprising or the Bolshevik Revolution, was a political revolution and a part of the Russian Revolution of 1917...
, Furmanov gives a political lecture to the rank and file: "...And now we are on our glorious way to the shining horizons of CommunismCommunismCommunism is a social, political and economic ideology that aims at the establishment of a classless, moneyless, revolutionary and stateless socialist society structured upon common ownership of the means of production...
!" / "How did it go?", Chapayev asks Petka afterwards. "Exciting!... But unclear. What the hell is a horizonHorizonThe horizon is the apparent line that separates earth from sky, the line that divides all visible directions into two categories: those that intersect the Earth's surface, and those that do not. At many locations, the true horizon is obscured by trees, buildings, mountains, etc., and the resulting...
?" / "See Petka, it is a line you may see far away in the steppeSteppeIn physical geography, steppe is an ecoregion, in the montane grasslands and shrublands and temperate grasslands, savannas, and shrublands biomes, characterized by grassland plains without trees apart from those near rivers and lakes...
when the weather is good. And it's a tricky one -- no matter how long you ride towards it, you'll never reach it. You'll only wear down your horse." (Many other folk characters have starred in this joke as well, including Rabinovich.)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes is a fictional detective created by Scottish author and physician Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. The fantastic London-based "consulting detective", Holmes is famous for his astute logical reasoning, his ability to take almost any disguise, and his use of forensic science skills to solve...
and his friend Doctor Watson. The jokes appeared and became popular soon after the The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson film series came out on Soviet TV in late 1970s - mid-1980s. In all those movies the characters were brilliantly played by the same actors - Vasily Livanov
Vasily Livanov
Vasily Borisovich Livanov MBE is a Soviet and Russian film actor, and screenwriter.-Biography:His father Boris Livanov was a prominent actor of the Moscow Art Theatre...
(as Sherlock Holmes) and Vitaly Solomin
Vitaly Solomin
Vitaly Mefodievich Solomin was a Soviet and Russian actor, director and screenwriter. He was the younger brother of Yury Solomin....
(as Dr. Watson). Quotes from these films are usually included in the jokes («Элементарно, Ватсон!» — "Elementary, my dear Watson!"). The narrator of such a joke usually tries to mimic the unique voice of Vasily Livanov. The standard plot of these jokes is a short dialog where Watson naïvely wonders about something and Holmes finds a "logical" explanation to the phenomenon in question. Occasionally the jokes also include other characters - Mrs. Hudson, the landlady of Holmes's residence on Baker Street, or Sir Henry and his butler Barrymore from The Hound of the Baskervilles
The Hound of the Baskervilles
The Hound of the Baskervilles is the third of four crime novels by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle featuring the detective Sherlock Holmes. Originally serialised in The Strand Magazine from August 1901 to April 1902, it is set largely on Dartmoor in Devon in England's West Country and tells the story of an...
and detective's archnemesis Professor Moriarty
Professor Moriarty
Professor James Moriarty is a fictional character and the archenemy of the detective Sherlock Holmes in the fiction of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Moriarty is a criminal mastermind, described by Holmes as the "Napoleon of Crime". Doyle lifted the phrase from a real Scotland Yard inspector who was...
.
- Holmes and Watson went camping. After they went to bed in a tent, in the middle of the night Holmes wakes his friend up and asks: "Tell me, Watson, what does this starry sky tell you?" — "Hmm, it tells me that the weather is going to be fine in the morning" — "And to me it tells that someone has stolen our tent!".
This joke won the 2nd place on World's funniest joke
World's funniest joke
The world's funniest joke is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, named LaughLab, he created a website where people could rate and submit jokes...
contest.
Fantômas
Fantômas
Fantômas is a fictional character created by French writers Marcel Allain and Pierre Souvestre .One of the most popular characters in the history of French crime fiction, Fantômas was created in 1911 and appeared in a total of 32 volumes written by the two collaborators, then a subsequent 11...
, a fictional criminal and master of disguise from a French detective series Fantômas
Fantômas (1913 serial)
Fantômas is a French silent crime film serial directed by Louis Feuillade, based on the novel of the same name. The five episodes were released in 1913 – 1914....
, which were once widely popular in the USSR. His archenemy is Inspector Juve, charged with catching him. Fantômas' talent for disguise is usually the focus of the joke, allowing for jokes featuring all sorts of other characters:
- (From the days of Golda MeirGolda MeirGolda Meir ; May 3, 1898 – December 8, 1978) was a teacher, kibbutznik and politician who became the fourth Prime Minister of the State of Israel....
) Fantômas sneaks into Mao ZedongMao ZedongMao Zedong, also transliterated as Mao Tse-tung , and commonly referred to as Chairman Mao , was a Chinese Communist revolutionary, guerrilla warfare strategist, Marxist political philosopher, and leader of the Chinese Revolution...
's private chamber as the latter is on his deathbed, and takes off his mask. "Well, Petka, fate sure does have a way of scattering friends all over the world, doesn't it?", says Mao. "Ah, if you only knew, Vasily Ivanovich," responds Fantômas, "what our Anka has been up to in Israel!"
New Russians
New Russian
New Russian is a term for the newly rich business class in post-Soviet Russia. It is perceived as a stereotypical caricature...
s, i.e. the nouveau-riche, arrogant and poorly educated post-perestroika
Perestroika
Perestroika was a political movement within the Communist Party of the Soviet Union during 1980s, widely associated with the Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev...
businessmen and gangsters, are a new and very popular category of characters in contemporary Russian jokes. A common plot is the interaction of a New Russian
New Russian
New Russian is a term for the newly rich business class in post-Soviet Russia. It is perceived as a stereotypical caricature...
in his archetypal black-colored Mercedes S600 with a regular Russian in his modest Soviet-era Zaporozhets after having had a car accident. The New Russian is often a violent criminal or at least speaks criminal argot
Argot
An Argot is a secret language used by various groups—including, but not limited to, thieves and other criminals—to prevent outsiders from understanding their conversations. The term argot is also used to refer to the informal specialized vocabulary from a particular field of study, hobby, job,...
, with a number of neologisms (or common words with skewed meaning) typical among New Russians. In a way, these anecdotes are a continuation of the Soviet-era series about Georgian
Georgia (country)
Georgia is a sovereign state in the Caucasus region of Eurasia. Located at the crossroads of Western Asia and Eastern Europe, it is bounded to the west by the Black Sea, to the north by Russia, to the southwest by Turkey, to the south by Armenia, and to the southeast by Azerbaijan. The capital of...
s, who were then depicted as extremely wealthy. The physical appearance of the New Russians is often that of overweight men with short haircuts, thick gold chains and crimson
Crimson
Crimson is a strong, bright, deep red color. It is originally the color of the dye produced from a scale insect, Kermes vermilio, but the name is now also used as a generic term for those slightly bluish-red colors that are between red and rose; besides crimson itself, these colors include...
jackets, with their fingers in the horns gesture, riding the "600 Merc" and showing off their wealth.
- A New-Russian's son complains to his father: "Daddy, all my schoolmates are riding the bus, and I look like a black sheep in this 600 Merc." — "No worries, son. I'll buy you a bus, and you'll ride like everyone else!"
- "Look at my new tie," says a New Russian to his colleague. "I bought it for 500 dollars in the store over there." — "You got yourself connedConfidence trickA confidence trick is an attempt to defraud a person or group by gaining their confidence. A confidence artist is an individual working alone or in concert with others who exploits characteristics of the human psyche such as dishonesty and honesty, vanity, compassion, credulity, irresponsibility,...
," says the other. "You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!" - A new Russian and an old man lie injured side-by-side in an emergency room:
- — How did you get here, old fella?
- — I had an old Zaporozhets car, and I put my war-trophy Messerschmitt jet engineJet engineA jet engine is a reaction engine that discharges a fast moving jet to generate thrust by jet propulsion and in accordance with Newton's laws of motion. This broad definition of jet engines includes turbojets, turbofans, rockets, ramjets, pulse jets...
in it. While driving on a highway, I saw a FerrariFerrariFerrari S.p.A. is an Italian sports car manufacturer based in Maranello, Italy. Founded by Enzo Ferrari in 1929, as Scuderia Ferrari, the company sponsored drivers and manufactured race cars before moving into production of street-legal vehicles as Ferrari S.p.A. in 1947...
ahead and tried to overtake it. My speed was too high, I lost control and crashed into a tree. And how did you get here? - — I was driving my Ferrari when I saw a Zaporozhets overtaking me. I thought that my car might have broken down and was actually standing still. So I opened the door and walked out...
Animals
Jokes set in the animal kingdom also feature characters, which draw their roots in the old SlavicSlavic peoples
The Slavic people are an Indo-European panethnicity living in Eastern Europe, Southeast Europe, North Asia and Central Asia. The term Slavic represents a broad ethno-linguistic group of people, who speak languages belonging to the Slavic language family and share, to varying degrees, certain...
fairy tales, where animals are portrayed as sapient beings with a stereotypical
Stereotype
A stereotype is a popular belief about specific social groups or types of individuals. The concepts of "stereotype" and "prejudice" are often confused with many other different meanings...
behavior, such as the violent Wolf, the sneaky (female) Fox, the cocky coward Hare, the strong, simple-minded Bear, the multi-dimensional Hedgehog and the king of animal kingdom, Lion. In the Russian language all objects, animate and inanimate, have a (grammatical) gender - masculine, feminine, or neuter. The reader should assume that the Wolf, the Bear, the Hare, the Lion and the Hedgehog are males, whereas the Fox is a female.
- The BearBearBears are mammals of the family Ursidae. Bears are classified as caniforms, or doglike carnivorans, with the pinnipeds being their closest living relatives. Although there are only eight living species of bear, they are widespread, appearing in a wide variety of habitats throughout the Northern...
, the Wolf, the HareHareHares and jackrabbits are leporids belonging to the genus Lepus. Hares less than one year old are called leverets. Four species commonly known as types of hare are classified outside of Lepus: the hispid hare , and three species known as red rock hares .Hares are very fast-moving...
and the VixenFoxFox is a common name for many species of omnivorous mammals belonging to the Canidae family. Foxes are small to medium-sized canids , characterized by possessing a long narrow snout, and a bushy tail .Members of about 37 species are referred to as foxes, of which only 12 species actually belong to...
are playing cards. The Bear warns, shuffling: "No cheating! If anyone is cheating, her smug red-furred face is gonna hurt!" - "If something has spilled from somewhere, then that must mean that something has poured into somewhere else," the Drunken Hedgehog mused philosophicallyConservation lawIn physics, a conservation law states that a particular measurable property of an isolated physical system does not change as the system evolves....
when the campers quarrelled over a broken bottle. ("Drunken hedgehog" is a kind of multipurpose Russian cliché.)
Animals in Russian jokes are and were very well aware of politics in the realm of humans.
- A bunch of animals including a cock are in prisonPrisonA prison is a place in which people are physically confined and, usually, deprived of a range of personal freedoms. Imprisonment or incarceration is a legal penalty that may be imposed by the state for the commission of a crime...
and brag to each other about what they are there for. The cock doesn't take part in this. Someone asks: "And what are you in for?" — "I am not talking to you, criminals. I am a political prisonerPolitical prisonerAccording to the Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English, a political prisoner is ‘someone who is in prison because they have opposed or criticized the government of their own country’....
!" — "How come?" — "I pecked a Young PioneerYoung Pioneer organization of the Soviet UnionThe Young Pioneer Organization of the Soviet Union, also Vladimir Lenin All-Union Pioneer Organization The Young Pioneer Organization of the Soviet Union, also Vladimir Lenin All-Union Pioneer Organization The Young Pioneer Organization of the Soviet Union, also Vladimir Lenin All-Union Pioneer...
in the arse!"
Often animal jokes are in fact fable
Fable
A fable is a succinct fictional story, in prose or verse, that features animals, mythical creatures, plants, inanimate objects or forces of nature which are anthropomorphized , and that illustrates a moral lesson , which may at the end be expressed explicitly in a pithy maxim.A fable differs from...
s, i.e., their punchline is (or eventually becomes) a kind of a maxim.
- The HareHareHares and jackrabbits are leporids belonging to the genus Lepus. Hares less than one year old are called leverets. Four species commonly known as types of hare are classified outside of Lepus: the hispid hare , and three species known as red rock hares .Hares are very fast-moving...
runs like crazy through a forest and meets the Wolf. The Wolf asks: "What's the matter? Why such haste?" "The camels there are caught and shodHorseshoeA horseshoe, is a fabricated product, normally made of metal, although sometimes made partially or wholly of modern synthetic materials, designed to protect a horse's hoof from wear and tear. Shoes are attached on the palmar surface of the hooves, usually nailed through the insensitive hoof wall...
!" The Wolf says: "But you're not a camel!" — "Hey, after you are caught and shod, just you try and prove them that you are not a camel!" (This joke is the origin of the popular Russian saying "try to prove you are not a camel" in the sense "try to prove something to someone who doesn't want to listen", used in relation to violations of the presumption of innocencePresumption of innocenceThe presumption of innocence, sometimes referred to by the Latin expression Ei incumbit probatio qui dicit, non qui negat, is the principle that one is considered innocent until proven guilty. Application of this principle is a legal right of the accused in a criminal trial, recognised in many...
by Russian law enforcement agencies or when someone has to fight the bureaucracyBureaucracyA bureaucracy is an organization of non-elected officials of a governmental or organization who implement the rules, laws, and functions of their institution, and are occasionally characterized by officialism and red tape.-Weberian bureaucracy:...
to get official papers proving that one has lost a leg or is even alive.)
The Golden Fish
The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish
right|thumb|The fairy tale commemorated on a Soviet Union stampThe Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish is a fairy tale in verse by Alexander Pushkin. Pushkin wrote the tale in autumn 1833 and it was first published in the literary magazine Biblioteka dlya chteniya in May 1835...
. In jokes, the Fisherman may be replaced by a representative of a nationality or ethnicity and the third wish usually makes the punch line
Punch line
A punch line is the final part of a joke, comedy sketch, or profound statement, usually the word, sentence or exchange of sentences which is intended to be funny or to provoke laughter or thought from listeners...
of the joke.
- An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are alone on an uninhabited island. They catch fish for food and suddenly catch a Golden Fish, who promises to fulfill two wishes for each for her own freedom:
The American: "A million dollars and to go back home!"
The Frenchman: "Three beautiful women and to go back home!"
The Russian: "Tsk, and we were getting along so well. Three crates of vodka and the two fellas back!"- Side Note: This joke is a play on the fact that in Russia it is believed that three is the optimal number of people for drinking. This in turn goes back to when in the Soviet Union a bottle of vodka cost 2.87 Soviet rubleRubleThe ruble or rouble is a unit of currency. Currently, the currency units of Belarus, Russia, Abkhazia, South Ossetia and Transnistria, and, in the past, the currency units of several other countries, notably countries influenced by Russia and the Soviet Union, are named rubles, though they all are...
s, 3 rubles being a convenient price for three men to buy a bottle and have 13 kopecks left for a snack. The classic for the latter was a rectangular pack of soft processed cheese "Druzhba" (Friendship), with that exact price. (the Western equivalent of the cheese would be The Laughing CowThe Laughing CowThe Laughing Cow is a brand of cheese products made by Fromageries Bel, and in particular refers to the brand's most popular product, the spreadable wedge.-The product:...
soft cheese). Therefore, a natural company is 3, each contributing 1 ruble. This procedure was dubbed "to have arranged for three (persons)" . Much of Soviet folklore is based on this interpretation of the "magic of the number 3".
- Side Note: This joke is a play on the fact that in Russia it is believed that three is the optimal number of people for drinking. This in turn goes back to when in the Soviet Union a bottle of vodka cost 2.87 Soviet ruble
A similar type of joke involves a wish-granting Genie
Genie
Jinn or genies are supernatural creatures in Arab folklore and Islamic teachings that occupy a parallel world to that of mankind. Together, jinn, humans and angels make up the three sentient creations of Allah. Religious sources say barely anything about them; however, the Qur'an mentions that...
, the main difference being that in the case of the Golden Fish the Fisherman suffers from his own stupidity or greed, while Genie
Genie
Jinn or genies are supernatural creatures in Arab folklore and Islamic teachings that occupy a parallel world to that of mankind. Together, jinn, humans and angels make up the three sentient creations of Allah. Religious sources say barely anything about them; however, the Qur'an mentions that...
is known for ingeniously twisting an interpretation of the wish to fool the grantee.
- A guy finds an old bottle, picks it up and opens it. GenieGenieJinn or genies are supernatural creatures in Arab folklore and Islamic teachings that occupy a parallel world to that of mankind. Together, jinn, humans and angels make up the three sentient creations of Allah. Religious sources say barely anything about them; however, the Qur'an mentions that...
comes out of the bottle and says: "Thanks so much for letting me out! I feel I should do something for you, too. Would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet UnionHero of the Soviet UnionThe title Hero of the Soviet Union was the highest distinction in the Soviet Union, awarded personally or collectively for heroic feats in service to the Soviet state and society.-Overview:...
?" (Hero of the Soviet UnionHero of the Soviet UnionThe title Hero of the Soviet Union was the highest distinction in the Soviet Union, awarded personally or collectively for heroic feats in service to the Soviet state and society.-Overview:...
was the highest Soviet award). The guy says: "Yes, sure!" Next thing he knows, he finds himself on a battlefield, alone against eight enemy tanks, and in his hands he has eight grenades. Sometimes there are five german panzers and only three grenades. - A starving thirsty guy crawls in a desert and finds a bottle with genieGenieJinn or genies are supernatural creatures in Arab folklore and Islamic teachings that occupy a parallel world to that of mankind. Together, jinn, humans and angels make up the three sentient creations of Allah. Religious sources say barely anything about them; however, the Qur'an mentions that...
, who says: "I can make your dream come true! What do you want?" - "I wanna get home!" - "So, let's go" - "No, I wanna get home quickly!" - "So, let's run!"
Drunkards
- A drunkard takes a leak by a lamp pole in the street. A policeman tries to reason with him: "Can't you see the latrineLatrineA latrine is a communal facility containing one or more commonly many toilets which may be simple pit toilets or in the case of the United States Armed Forces any toilet including modern flush toilets...
is just 25 feet away?" The drunkard replies: "Do you think I got me a damn fire hose in my pants here?"
- Drunk #1 is slowly walking, bracing himself against a fence and stumbling. He comes across Drunk #2, who is lying next to the fence. "What a disgrace! Lying around like a pig! I'm ashamed for you." "You just keep on walking, demagogue! We'll see what you're gonna do when you run out of fence!"
Policemen
These often revolve around the supposition that the vast majority of Russian and Soviet militsioners (policemen) accept bribes. Also, they are not considered to be very bright.- Three prizes were awarded for the successes in Socialist competitionSocialist competitionSocialist competition or socialist emulation was a form of competition between state enterprises and between individuals practiced in the Soviet Union and in other Eastern bloc states.- Competition vs...
of
Vladimir Lenin
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin was a Russian Marxist revolutionary and communist politician who led the October Revolution of 1917. As leader of the Bolsheviks, he headed the Soviet state during its initial years , as it fought to establish control of Russia in the Russian Civil War and worked to create a...
. The second prize is 100 rouble
Russian ruble
The ruble or rouble is the currency of the Russian Federation and the two partially recognized republics of Abkhazia and South Ossetia. Formerly, the ruble was also the currency of the Russian Empire and the Soviet Union prior to their breakups. Belarus and Transnistria also use currencies with...
s and a ticket to Sochi
Sochi
Sochi is a city in Krasnodar Krai, Russia, situated just north of Russia's border with the de facto independent republic of Abkhazia, on the Black Sea coast. Greater Sochi sprawls for along the shores of the Black Sea near the Caucasus Mountains...
... The first prize is a portable stop sign
Stop sign
A Stop sign is a traffic sign to notify drivers that they must stop before proceeding.-Specifications:The Vienna Convention on Road Signs and Signals proposed standard stop sign diameters of 0.6, 0.9 or 1.2 metres. UK and New Zealand stop signs are 750, 900 or 1200 mm, according to sign...
. (There are several versions with this punch line about the stop sign. This one depicts a Soviet peculiarity. A portable stop sign allows the militsioner to put it in an unexpected or hard to see place on a road, fine everyone passing it and appropriate most of the fines for himself.)
- A person on a bus tells a joke: "Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?" / "No, why?" / "It's specialization: one knows how to read, the other — how to write." / A hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder — a policeman is standing right behind him! "Your papers!" he barks. The hapless person surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: "Write him up a citation for slandering the Soviet Militsiya, Vasya." (A version of this joke involves the third policeman whose sole job is to watch over these two dangerous intellectuals.)
Ethnic stereotypes
Imperial Russia had been multiethnic for many centuries and this fact has survived on into its successor state, the former Soviet Union. Throughout their history several ethnic stereotypes have developed, often shared with those produced by other ethnicities (usually with the understandable exception of the ethnicity in question, but not always).Chukchi
Chukchi people
The Chukchi, or Chukchee , ) are an indigenous people inhabiting the Chukchi Peninsula and the shores of the Chukchi Sea and the Bering Sea region of the Arctic Ocean within the Russian Federation. They speak the Chukchi language...
, the native people of Chukotka
Chukotka Autonomous Okrug
Chukotka Autonomous Okrug , or Chukotka , is a federal subject of Russia located in the Russian Far East.Chukotka has a population of 53,824 according to the 2002 Census, and a surface area of . The principal town and the administrative center is Anadyr...
, the most remote northeast corner of Russia, are the most common minority targeted for generic ethnic jokes in Russia — many other nations have a particular one they make fun of (cf. Canadians in American
United States
The United States of America is a federal constitutional republic comprising fifty states and a federal district...
humor, Irish
Irish people
The Irish people are an ethnic group who originate in Ireland, an island in northwestern Europe. Ireland has been populated for around 9,000 years , with the Irish people's earliest ancestors recorded having legends of being descended from groups such as the Nemedians, Fomorians, Fir Bolg, Tuatha...
jokes in English
United Kingdom
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern IrelandIn the United Kingdom and Dependencies, other languages have been officially recognised as legitimate autochthonous languages under the European Charter for Regional or Minority Languages...
humour, Newfie
Newfie
Newfie is a colloquial term used in Canada for someone who is from Newfoundland. It appears in a 1942 dictionary of slang; at the time, 'Newfie' was used as often to refer to Newfoundland itself as to people from Newfoundland .The term 'Newfie' has been applied to the Newfoundland people, the...
jokes about Newfoundlanders in Canada
Canada
Canada is a North American country consisting of ten provinces and three territories. Located in the northern part of the continent, it extends from the Atlantic Ocean in the east to the Pacific Ocean in the west, and northward into the Arctic Ocean...
or jokes about Belgian
Belgium
Belgium , officially the Kingdom of Belgium, is a federal state in Western Europe. It is a founding member of the European Union and hosts the EU's headquarters, and those of several other major international organisations such as NATO.Belgium is also a member of, or affiliated to, many...
s in France
France
The French Republic , The French Republic , The French Republic , (commonly known as France , is a unitary semi-presidential republic in Western Europe with several overseas territories and islands located on other continents and in the Indian, Pacific, and Atlantic oceans. Metropolitan France...
and the Netherlands
Netherlands
The Netherlands is a constituent country of the Kingdom of the Netherlands, located mainly in North-West Europe and with several islands in the Caribbean. Mainland Netherlands borders the North Sea to the north and west, Belgium to the south, and Germany to the east, and shares maritime borders...
). In jokes, they are depicted as generally primitive, uncivilized and simple-minded, but clever in a naive kind of way. A propensity for constantly saying "odnako" — equivalent to "however" depending on context — is a staple of Chukcha jokes. Often a partner of Chukcha in the jokes is a Russian geologist.
- "Chukcha, why did you buy a fridge if it's so cold in tundra?" / "Why, is minus fifty CelsiusCelsiusCelsius is a scale and unit of measurement for temperature. It is named after the Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius , who developed a similar temperature scale two years before his death...
outside yarangaYarangaA Yaranga is a tent-like traditional mobile home of some nomadic Northern indigenous peoples of Russia, such as Chukchi and Siberian Yupik.A Yaranga is a cone-shaped or rounded reindeer-hide tent. It is built of a light wooden frame covered with reindeer skins or canvas sewn together.The word...
, is minus ten inside, is minus five in the fridge — a warm place, however!" - A Chukcha comes into a shop and asks: "Do you have color TVs?" "Yes, we do." "Give me a green one."
- A Chukcha applies for membership in the Union of Soviet Writers. He is asked what literature he is familiar with. "Have you read PushkinAleksandr PushkinAlexander Sergeyevich Pushkin was a Russian author of the Romantic era who is considered by many to be the greatest Russian poet and the founder of modern Russian literature....
?" "No." "Have you read Dostoevsky?" "No." "Can you read at all?" The Chukcha, offended, replies, "Chukcha not reader, Chukcha writer!" (The latter phrase has become a popular cliché in Russian culture hinting at happy or militant ignorance.)
Chukchi do not miss their chance to retaliate.
- A Chukcha and a Russian geologist go hunting polar bearPolar BearThe polar bear is a bear native largely within the Arctic Circle encompassing the Arctic Ocean, its surrounding seas and surrounding land masses. It is the world's largest land carnivore and also the largest bear, together with the omnivorous Kodiak Bear, which is approximately the same size...
s. They track one down at last. Seeing the bear, the Chukcha shouts "Run!" and starts running away. The Russian shrugs, raises his gun and shoots the bear. "Russian hunter bad hunter!" the Chukcha exclaims. "Ten miles to the yarangaYarangaA Yaranga is a tent-like traditional mobile home of some nomadic Northern indigenous peoples of Russia, such as Chukchi and Siberian Yupik.A Yaranga is a cone-shaped or rounded reindeer-hide tent. It is built of a light wooden frame covered with reindeer skins or canvas sewn together.The word...
you haul this bear yourself!" - A Chukcha and a Russian geologist meet the bear. Russian misses with his last bullet, and they are starting to escape. Chukcha puts on his skis. "This is useless, even with ski you can't run faster than the bear!" - says Russian. "I don't need to run faster than bear, I just need to run faster than you!"
Chukchi in jokes, due to their innocence, often see the inner truth of situations.
- A Chukcha returns home from Moscow to great excitement and interest. "What is socialism like?" asks someone. "Oh," begins the Chukcha in awe, "There, everything is for the betterment of Man. I even saw that Man himself!" (Hint: "Everything for the Betterment of the Man!" (Vsyo dlya blaga cheloveka!) was from the set of the standard Soviet slogans.)
Ukrainians
Ukrainians
Ukrainians are an East Slavic ethnic group native to Ukraine, which is the sixth-largest nation in Europe. The Constitution of Ukraine applies the term 'Ukrainians' to all its citizens...
are depicted as rustic, greedy and fond of salted salo
Salo (food)
Salo is a traditional Ukrainian, Belarusian and Russian food: cured slabs of fatback , with or without skin. As a trend, the Eastern European one is salted or brine fermented, hence the names slonina/slana/szalonna...
(pork back fat), and their accent, which is imitated in jokes, is perceived as funny.
- A Ukrainian and a negro sit in a couchette car. Ukrainian takes out salo and starts eating it. Negro looks at him. Ukrainian asks: "What, want salo?". Negro nods his head, like, yes, I do. "Ah, that's absolutely usual salo. Write to your parents and they will send you it too."
- A Ukrainian tourist is questioned at international customsCustomsCustoms is an authority or agency in a country responsible for collecting and safeguarding customs duties and for controlling the flow of goods including animals, transports, personal effects and hazardous items in and out of a country...
:
- — Are you carrying any weapons or drugs?
- — What are drugs?
- — They make you get high.
- — Yes, saloSalo (food)Salo is a traditional Ukrainian, Belarusian and Russian food: cured slabs of fatback , with or without skin. As a trend, the Eastern European one is salted or brine fermented, hence the names slonina/slana/szalonna...
. - — But salo is not a drug.
- — When I eat salo, I get high!
- A Ukrainian is asked: "Can you eat an entire pound of apples?" — "Yes, I can." — "Can you eat two pounds of apples?" — "I can." — "And five pounds?" — "I can." — "Can you eat 100 pounds?!" — "What I cannot eat, I will nibble!"
This response is based on Ukrainian tradition to try all dishes when being a guest to say to the hostess that they are tasty.
Ukrainians are perceived to bear a grudge against Russians (derided as Moskal
Moskal
Moskal is a historical term and present day ethnic slur referring to Russians. It is primarily used as a slur in Ukraine, and Belarus.-Ethnic slur:Moskal can be a type of ethnic slur with a mild negative connotation....
i by Ukrainians)
- The Soviet Union has launched the first man into space. A Ukrainian shepherd, standing on top of a hill, shouts over to another Ukrainian on another hill to tell the news. "Mykola!" / "Yes!" / "The moskali have flown to space!" / "All of them?" / "No, just one." / "So why are you bothering me then?"
Georgians
Georgian people
The Georgians are an ethnic group that have originated in Georgia, where they constitute a majority of the population. Large Georgian communities are also present throughout Russia, European Union, United States, and South America....
are almost always depicted as masculine, suave, hot-blooded or sexually addicted, and in some cases, all four at the same time. A very loud and theatrical Georgian accent, including the grammatical errors typical of Georgians, and occasional Georgian words are considered funny to imitate in Russian and often becomes a joke in itself.
In some jokes, they are portrayed as rich, because in Soviet times, Georgians were also perceived as running black market businesses. There is a funny expression, that usually in police reports they are termed as "persons of Caucasian nationality" . Since the Russian word for "person" in the formal sense, , is the same as the word for "face", this allows a play on words about "faces of Caucasian nationality". In Russia itself, most people see "persons of Caucasian nationality" mostly at marketplaces selling fruits and flowers. Many jokes about Georgians are being recently retold in terms of "New Russians".
- A plane takes off from the TbilisiTbilisiTbilisi is the capital and the largest city of Georgia, lying on the banks of the Mt'k'vari River. The name is derived from an early Georgian form T'pilisi and it was officially known as Tiflis until 1936...
airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot's cabin, waving an AK-47AK-47The AK-47 is a selective-fire, gas-operated 7.62×39mm assault rifle, first developed in the Soviet Union by Mikhail Kalashnikov. It is officially known as Avtomat Kalashnikova . It is also known as a Kalashnikov, an "AK", or in Russian slang, Kalash.Design work on the AK-47 began in the last year...
rifle and demanding that the flight be diverted to IsraelIsraelThe State of Israel is a parliamentary republic located in the Middle East, along the eastern shore of the Mediterranean Sea...
. The pilot shrugs OK, but suddenly the hijacker's head falls off his shoulders, and a Georgian pops from behind with a blood-drenched dagger, and a huge suitcase: "Lisssn here genatsvale: no any Israel-Misrael; fly MoscowMoscowMoscow is the capital, the most populous city, and the most populous federal subject of Russia. The city is a major political, economic, cultural, scientific, religious, financial, educational, and transportation centre of Russia and the continent...
nonstop – my roses are fading!"
- In the zoo, two girls are discussing a gorillaGorillaGorillas are the largest extant species of primates. They are ground-dwelling, predominantly herbivorous apes that inhabit the forests of central Africa. Gorillas are divided into two species and either four or five subspecies...
with a huge penis: "THAT's what a real man must have!" A Georgian passer-by sarcastically remarks: "You are badly mistaken. THIS is what a real man must have!", and produces a thick wallet.
Armenians
ArmeniansArmenians
Armenian people or Armenians are a nation and ethnic group native to the Armenian Highland.The largest concentration is in Armenia having a nearly-homogeneous population with 97.9% or 3,145,354 being ethnic Armenian....
are often used interchangeably with Georgians, sharing some of the stereotypes. However their unique context is the fictitious Armenian Radio
Radio Yerevan
Radio Yerevan, or Armenian Radio jokes have been very popular in the Soviet Union and in other Communist countries of the ex-Eastern bloc since the second half of the 20th century....
, usually telling political jokes. Many jokes are based on word play, often combined with the usage of Southern accent and consequent misunderstanding between the characters.
- An old Armenian is on his deathbed: "My children, remember to protect the Jews." "Why Jews?" "Because once they are dealt with, we will be next."
Estonians and Finns
EstoniansEstonians
Estonians are a Finnic people closely related to the Finns and inhabiting, primarily, the country of Estonia. They speak a Finnic language known as Estonian...
and Finns are depicted as having no sense of humour and being stubborn, taciturn and especially slow. The Estonian accent, especially its sing-song tune and the lack of genders in grammar, forms part of the humour. Their common usage of long vowels and consonants
Length (phonetics)
In phonetics, length or quantity is a feature of sounds that are distinctively longer than other sounds. There are long vowels as well as long consonants .Many languages do not have distinctive length...
both in speech and orthography (e.g. words such as Tallinn
Tallinn
Tallinn is the capital and largest city of Estonia. It occupies an area of with a population of 414,940. It is situated on the northern coast of the country, on the banks of the Gulf of Finland, south of Helsinki, east of Stockholm and west of Saint Petersburg. Tallinn's Old Town is in the list...
, Saaremaa
Saaremaa
Saaremaa is the largest island in Estonia, measuring 2,673 km². The main island of Saare County, it is located in the Baltic Sea, south of Hiiumaa island, and belongs to the West Estonian Archipelago...
) also led to the stereotype of being slow in speech, thinking and action. In the everyday life a person may be derisively named a "hot Estonian fellow" (or, in similar spirit, a "hot-tempered Finnish bloke", a phrase popularized by the 1995 Russian comedy Peculiarities of National Hunt
Peculiarities of National Hunt
Peculiarities of the National Hunt is the first and most notable "Russian national comedy".As soon as it was released in 1995 it became a nationwide success in Russia, the leader at the Russian box office. It won the Nika Award and Kinotavr awards...
) to emphasize tardiness or lack of temperament. Indeed, Estonians play a similar role in Soviet humor to that of Finns in Scandinavian jokes.
Finnish political scientist Ilmari Susiluoto
Ilmari Susiluoto
Ilmari Susiluoto is a Finnish political scientist, professor at the University of Helsinki, senior advisor at the Foreign Ministry of Finland since 1982, an expert in Russian and Soviet history, politics and society, an author of a number of books in this area.- Bibliography :* Jättiläinen...
, also an author of three books on Russian humor, writes that Finns and Russians understand each other's humor. "Being included in a Russian anecdote is a privilege that Danes or Dutchmen have not attained. These nations are too boring and unvaried to rise into the consciousness of a large country. But the funny and slightly silly, stubborn Finns, the Chukhnas do."
- An Estonian stands by a railway track. Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down. The first one asks: "Iis iitt a llonngg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?" — "Nnoot ttoo llonngg." He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down. After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: "Iis iitt a llonngg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?" — "Nnooow iiitt iiiis llonngg wwayy."
- A special offer from Estonian mobile phone providers: the first two hours of a call are free.
- "I told some Estonian blokes that they're slow." / "What did they reply?" / "Nothing, but they beat me up the following day. "
Finns share with Chukchi their ability to withstand cold:
- At -10 degrees Celsius, heating is switched on in BritishUnited KingdomThe United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern IrelandIn the United Kingdom and Dependencies, other languages have been officially recognised as legitimate autochthonous languages under the European Charter for Regional or Minority Languages...
homes, while Finns change into a long-sleeved shirt. At -20 AustriansAustriansAustrians are a nation and ethnic group, consisting of the population of the Republic of Austria and its historical predecessor states who share a common Austrian culture and Austrian descent....
fly to MalagaMálagaMálaga is a city and a municipality in the Autonomous Community of Andalusia, Spain. With a population of 568,507 in 2010, it is the second most populous city of Andalusia and the sixth largest in Spain. This is the southernmost large city in Europe...
, while Finns celebrate midsummer. At -200 hell freezes over and Finland wins the Eurovision Song ContestEurovision Song ContestThe Eurovision Song Contest is an annual competition held among active member countries of the European Broadcasting Union .Each member country submits a song to be performed on live television and then casts votes for the other countries' songs to determine the most popular song in the competition...
. At -273 absolute zero temperature is reached, all atom movement ceases. The Finns shrug and say: "PerkelePerkelePerkele is the god associated with thunder in Finnish mythology, like Thor of Norse mythology. In modern Finnish perkele is a common swearword.-Origins:The name is of Indo-European origin...
, a bit chilly today, isn't it?". (This joke predates the event, deemed impossible, of Finland actually winning the contest, in 2006Eurovision Song Contest 2006The Eurovision Song Contest 2006 was the 51st Eurovision Song Contest, held at the Olympic Indoor Hall in Athens, Greece on 18 May and 20 May 2006 . The hosting national broadcaster of the contest was Ellinikí Radiofonía Tileórasi . The Finnish band Lordi won the contest with the song "Hard Rock...
.)
Jews
Jewish humour is a highly developed subset of Russian humor, largely based on the Jews' self-image. These Jewish anecdotes are not the same as anti-Semitic jokes. As some Jews say themselves, Jewish jokes are being made by either anti-Semites or the Jews themselves. Instead, whether told by Jews or non-Jewish Russians, these jokes show cynicism, self-irony and wit that is characteristic of Jewish humour both in Russia and elsewhere in the world (see Jewish humorJewish humor
Jewish humour is the long tradition of humour in Judaism dating back to the Torah and the Midrash from the ancient mid-east, but generally refers to the more recent stream of verbal, self-deprecating, crude, and often anecdotal humour originating in Eastern Europe and which took root in the United...
). The jokes are usually told with a characteristic Jewish accent (stretching out syllables, parodying the uvular trill
Uvular trill
The uvular trill is a type of consonantal sound, used in some spoken languages. The symbol in the International Phonetic Alphabet that represents this sound is , a small capital R...
of "R", etc.) and some peculiarities of sentence structure calque
Calque
In linguistics, a calque or loan translation is a word or phrase borrowed from another language by literal, word-for-word or root-for-root translation.-Calque:...
d into Russian from Yiddish.
- Abram cannot sleep, tossing and turning from side to side... Finally his wife Sarah protests: "Abram, what's bothering you?" / "I owe Moishe 20 roubles, but I have no money. What shall I do?" / Sarah bangs on the wall and shouts to the neighbors: "Moishe! My Abram still owes you 20 roubles? Well he isn't giving them back!" Turning to her husband she says: "Now go to sleep and let Moishe stay awake!"
- An OdessaOdessaOdessa or Odesa is the administrative center of the Odessa Oblast located in southern Ukraine. The city is a major seaport located on the northwest shore of the Black Sea and the fourth largest city in Ukraine with a population of 1,029,000 .The predecessor of Odessa, a small Tatar settlement,...
Jew meets another one. "Have you heard, Einstein is going to America!" / "Oh, what for?" / "He developed this Relativity theory." / "Yeah, what's that?" / "Well, you know, five hairs on your head is relatively few. Five hairs in your soup is relatively many." / "And for that he goes to America?!" - Abram went in synagogueSynagogueA synagogue is a Jewish house of prayer. This use of the Greek term synagogue originates in the Septuagint where it sometimes translates the Hebrew word for assembly, kahal...
and asks rabbi: "Rebbe, my son became Christian! What should I do?" / "Don't worry, Abram. I'll ask God about it, come back to me tomorrow." At the next day, Abram goes to rabbi again: "So? What God said?" / "I'm sorry, I can't help you. God has the same problem."
Chinese
Han Chinese
Han Chinese are an ethnic group native to China and are the largest single ethnic group in the world.Han Chinese constitute about 92% of the population of the People's Republic of China , 98% of the population of the Republic of China , 78% of the population of Singapore, and about 20% of the...
are probably the same as in Western world
Western world
The Western world, also known as the West and the Occident , is a term referring to the countries of Western Europe , the countries of the Americas, as well all countries of Northern and Central Europe, Australia and New Zealand...
. Common jokes center on the size of the Chinese population, the Chinese language
Chinese language
The Chinese language is a language or language family consisting of varieties which are mutually intelligible to varying degrees. Originally the indigenous languages spoken by the Han Chinese in China, it forms one of the branches of Sino-Tibetan family of languages...
, and the perceptions of the Chinese as cunning, industrious, and hard-working. Other popular jokes revolve around the belief that the Chinese are capable of amazing feats by primitive means, such as the Great Leap Forward
Great Leap Forward
The Great Leap Forward of the People's Republic of China was an economic and social campaign of the Communist Party of China , reflected in planning decisions from 1958 to 1961, which aimed to use China's vast population to rapidly transform the country from an agrarian economy into a modern...
.
- "During the Damansky Island incidentSino-Soviet border conflictThe Sino–Soviet border conflict was a seven-month military conflict between the Soviet Union and China at the height of the Sino–Soviet split in 1969. The most serious of these border clashes occurred in March 1969 in the vicinity of Zhenbao Island on the Ussuri River, also known as Damanskii...
the Chinese military developed three main strategies: The Great Offensive, The Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups of One to Two Million Across the Border." - "Chinese hackers cracked Pentagon's server. Each of them tried to login with the password "Mao Tse-Tung". On the 2,934,568th attempt the server agreed."
- "When a child is born in a Chinese family, there is an ancient tradition: a silver spoon is dropped on the jadeJadeJade is an ornamental stone.The term jade is applied to two different metamorphic rocks that are made up of different silicate minerals:...
floor. The sound the spoon makes will be the name of the newborn." (see Chinese nameChinese namePersonal names in Chinese culture follow a number of conventions different from those of personal names in Western cultures. Most noticeably, a Chinese name is written with the family name first and the given name next, therefore "John-Paul Smith" as a Chinese name would be "Smith John-Paul"...
s) - The first report of the first Chinese human spaceflightShenzhou 5Shenzhou 5 — was the first human spaceflight mission of the People's Republic of China , launched on October 15, 2003. The Shenzhou spacecraft was launched on a Long March 2F launch vehicle. There had been four previous flights of unmanned Shenzhou missions since 1999...
: "All systems operational, boiler-men on duty!"
A good deal of the jokes are puns based on the fact that a widespread Chinese syllable (spelled "hui" in pinyin
Pinyin
Pinyin is the official system to transcribe Chinese characters into the Roman alphabet in China, Malaysia, Singapore and Taiwan. It is also often used to teach Mandarin Chinese and spell Chinese names in foreign publications and used as an input method to enter Chinese characters into...
) sounds very similar to the obscene Russian word for penis
Penis
The penis is a biological feature of male animals including both vertebrates and invertebrates...
. For this reason since about 1956 the Russian-Chinese dictionaries render the Russian transcription of this syllable as "хуэй" (huey), the most embarrassing case probably being the word "socialism
Socialism
Socialism is an economic system characterized by social ownership of the means of production and cooperative management of the economy; or a political philosophy advocating such a system. "Social ownership" may refer to any one of, or a combination of, the following: cooperative enterprises,...
" (社会主义; pinyin
Pinyin
Pinyin is the official system to transcribe Chinese characters into the Roman alphabet in China, Malaysia, Singapore and Taiwan. It is also often used to teach Mandarin Chinese and spell Chinese names in foreign publications and used as an input method to enter Chinese characters into...
: shè huì zhǔ yì), rendered previously as шэ-хуй-чжу-и.
- A new Chinese ambassador is to meet GromykoAndrei GromykoAndrei Andreyevich Gromyko was a Soviet statesman during the Cold War. He served as Minister of Foreign Affairs and as Chairman of the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet . Gromyko was responsible for many top decisions on Soviet foreign policy until he retired in 1987. In the West he was given the...
. When the latter enters, the Chinese presents himself: "Zhui Hui!" Gromyko, unperturbed, retorts "Zhui sam!" The surprised Chinese asks: "And where is Gromyko?" (The pun is that "zhui hui!" (a mock Chinese name) means "chew a dick!" in Russian and "zhui sam" means "chew [it] yourself"). - Сунь Хуй в Чай Вынь Пей Сам, Sun' Huy v Chay Vyn' Pey Sam, (literally meaning "Dip [your] penis into tea, withdraw [and] drink [it], yourself") is a made-up "Chinese name" that is analogous of the English Who Flung Dung. Most suitable English imitation sounds like "Dip Dick Tea, Back, You Drink". There is another variation of this joke about two Chinese persons: Сунь Хуй в Чай ("Sun' Huy v Chay") and Вынь Су Хим ("Vyn' Su Him"), which can be translated as "Dip [your] penis into tea" and "Take [it] out dry", where a word "сухим" ("suhim" - meaning "dry") is divided into two syllables "су" ("su") and "хим" "him")
Russians
RussiansRussians
The Russian people are an East Slavic ethnic group native to Russia, speaking the Russian language and primarily living in Russia and neighboring countries....
are a stereotype in Russian jokes themselves when set next to other stereotyped ethnicities. Thus, the Russian appearing in a triple joke with two Westerners, like a Pole
Poland
Poland , officially the Republic of Poland , is a country in Central Europe bordered by Germany to the west; the Czech Republic and Slovakia to the south; Ukraine, Belarus and Lithuania to the east; and the Baltic Sea and Kaliningrad Oblast, a Russian exclave, to the north...
, German
Germany
Germany , officially the Federal Republic of Germany , is a federal parliamentary republic in Europe. The country consists of 16 states while the capital and largest city is Berlin. Germany covers an area of 357,021 km2 and has a largely temperate seasonal climate...
, French
France
The French Republic , The French Republic , The French Republic , (commonly known as France , is a unitary semi-presidential republic in Western Europe with several overseas territories and islands located on other continents and in the Indian, Pacific, and Atlantic oceans. Metropolitan France...
, American
United States
The United States of America is a federal constitutional republic comprising fifty states and a federal district...
or Englishman
England
England is a country that is part of the United Kingdom. It shares land borders with Scotland to the north and Wales to the west; the Irish Sea is to the north west, the Celtic Sea to the south west, with the North Sea to the east and the English Channel to the south separating it from continental...
, will provide for a self-ironic punchline depicting him as simple-minded and negligently careless but physically robust, which often ensures he retains the upper hand over his less naive Western counterparts. Another common plot is a Russian holding a contest with technologically superior opponents (usually, an American and a Japanese) and winning with sheer brute force or a clever trick.
- A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safariSafariA safari is an overland journey, usually a trip by tourists to Africa. Traditionally, the term is used for a big-game hunt, but today the term often refers to a trip taken not for the purposes of hunting, but to observe and photograph animals and other wildlife.-Etymology:Entering the English...
and are trapped by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rightsHuman rightsHuman rights are "commonly understood as inalienable fundamental rights to which a person is inherently entitled simply because she or he is a human being." Human rights are thus conceived as universal and egalitarian . These rights may exist as natural rights or as legal rights, in both national...
at the Patrice Lumumba University in MoscowMoscowMoscow is the capital, the most populous city, and the most populous federal subject of Russia. The city is a major political, economic, cultural, scientific, religious, financial, educational, and transportation centre of Russia and the continent...
, so I'll grant each of you a last request." The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurstBratwurstA bratwurst is a sausage usually composed of veal, pork or beef. The plural in German is Bratwürste....
. He gets it, and cannibals eat him. The Frenchman asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then follows the German. The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a KalashnikovAK-47The AK-47 is a selective-fire, gas-operated 7.62×39mm assault rifle, first developed in the Soviet Union by Mikhail Kalashnikov. It is officially known as Avtomat Kalashnikova . It is also known as a Kalashnikov, an "AK", or in Russian slang, Kalash.Design work on the AK-47 began in the last year...
and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally wounded chief asks him: "Why didn't you do this before we ate the German?", the Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!" (Side note: This joke has also been used as a Jewish jokeJewish humorJewish humour is the long tradition of humour in Judaism dating back to the Torah and the Midrash from the ancient mid-east, but generally refers to the more recent stream of verbal, self-deprecating, crude, and often anecdotal humour originating in Eastern Europe and which took root in the United...
; more specifically, as an Israeli joke, alluding to Israel's being constantly afraid of being seen as the 'aggressor) This joke is also based on a stereotypical Russian warfare, when they are first being hit hard by an enemy, but then retaliate and win. See Tatar-Mongol invasions, Napoleonic WarsFrench invasion of RussiaThe French invasion of Russia of 1812 was a turning point in the Napoleonic Wars. It reduced the French and allied invasion forces to a tiny fraction of their initial strength and triggered a major shift in European politics as it dramatically weakened French hegemony in Europe...
and Great Patriotic WarEastern Front (World War II)The Eastern Front of World War II was a theatre of World War II between the European Axis powers and co-belligerent Finland against the Soviet Union, Poland, and some other Allies which encompassed Northern, Southern and Eastern Europe from 22 June 1941 to 9 May 1945...
.
- A ChukchaChukchi peopleThe Chukchi, or Chukchee , ) are an indigenous people inhabiting the Chukchi Peninsula and the shores of the Chukchi Sea and the Bering Sea region of the Arctic Ocean within the Russian Federation. They speak the Chukchi language...
sits on the shore of the Bering StraitBering StraitThe Bering Strait , known to natives as Imakpik, is a sea strait between Cape Dezhnev, Chukotka Autonomous Okrug, Russia, the easternmost point of the Asian continent and Cape Prince of Wales, Alaska, USA, the westernmost point of the North American continent, with latitude of about 65°40'N,...
. An American submarine surfaces. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Which way is Alaska?" The Chukcha points his finger: "That way!" "Thanks!" says the American, shouts "South-South-East, bearing 159.5 degrees!" down the hatch and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!" "Don't be a smart-ass," says the captain, "just point your finger!"
- A Frenchman, a Japanese and a Russian were trapped by Tzar. He locked them in a closed chamber and asked to surprise him using three steel balls – the winner will be released, the others will be executed. In a week the Frenchman demonstrates a juggle with the balls. The Japanese has created a rock gardenRock GardenThe Rock Garden or Rock Garden of Chandigarh is a Sculpture garden in Chandigarh, India, also known as Nek Chand's Rock Garden after its founder Nek Chand, a government official who started the garden secretly in his spare time in 1957. Today it is spread over an area of forty-acres , it is...
. The Russian sits sad in his chamber with only one ball in his hands. The Tzar asks him: "Why are you so sad and where are the other balls?". The Russian answers: "One broken, one squander".
Puns
Like everywhere else, a good deal of jokes in Russia are based on punPun
The pun, also called paronomasia, is a form of word play which suggests two or more meanings, by exploiting multiple meanings of words, or of similar-sounding words, for an intended humorous or rhetorical effect. These ambiguities can arise from the intentional use and abuse of homophonic,...
s.
- (L) The genitive pluralPluralIn linguistics, plurality or [a] plural is a concept of quantity representing a value of more-than-one. Typically applied to nouns, a plural word or marker is used to distinguish a value other than the default quantity of a noun, which is typically one...
of a nounNounIn linguistics, a noun is a member of a large, open lexical category whose members can occur as the main word in the subject of a clause, the object of a verb, or the object of a preposition .Lexical categories are defined in terms of how their members combine with other kinds of...
(used with a numeral to indicate five or more of something, as opposed to the dualDual (grammatical number)Dual is a grammatical number that some languages use in addition to singular and plural. When a noun or pronoun appears in dual form, it is interpreted as referring to precisely two of the entities identified by the noun or pronoun...
, used for two, three, or four, see Russian nouns) is a rather unpredictable form of the Russian noun, and there are a handful of words which even native speakers have trouble producing this form of (either due to rarity or an actual lexical gapLexical gapA lexical gap or lacuna is an absence of a word in a particular language. Types of lexical gaps include untranslatability and missing inflections.-Untranslatability:...
). A common example of this is kocherga (fireplace poker). The joke is set in a Soviet factory. Five pokers are to be requisitioned. The correct forms are acquired, but as they are being filled out, a debate arises: what is the genitive plural of kocherga? Is it Kocherg? Kocherieg? Kochergov?... One thing is clear: a form with the wrong genitive plural of kocherga will bring disaster from the typically pedantic bureaucratBureaucratA bureaucrat is a member of a bureaucracy and can comprise the administration of any organization of any size, though the term usually connotes someone within an institution of a government or corporation...
s. Finally, an old janitor overhears the commotion, and tells them to send in two separate requisitions: one for two kochergi and another for three kochergi. In some versions, they send in a request for 4 kochergi and one extra to find out the correct word, only to receive back "here are your 4 kochergi and one extra." (In reality, a bureaucrat would likely resort to a trick like "Kocherga: 5 items"; a similar story by Mikhail ZoshchenkoMikhail Zoshchenko-Biography:Zoshchenko was born in 1895, in Poltava, but spent most of his life in St. Petersburg / Leningrad. His Ukrainian father was a mosaicist responsible for the exterior decoration of the Suvorov Museum in Saint Petersburg. The future writer attended the Faculty of Law at the Saint Petersburg...
involves yet another answer.)
Eggs
Testicle
The testicle is the male gonad in animals. Like the ovaries to which they are homologous, testes are components of both the reproductive system and the endocrine system...
' is 'egg
Egg (biology)
An egg is an organic vessel in which an embryo first begins to develop. In most birds, reptiles, insects, molluscs, fish, and monotremes, an egg is the zygote, resulting from fertilization of the ovum, which is expelled from the body and permitted to develop outside the body until the developing...
' (yaitso). A large variety of jokes capitalizes on this, ranging from predictably silly to surprisingly elegant.
- A guy jumped onto a bus. There he fell onto other man, who was holding a large sack. "Watch the eggs!" - cried that man. "Are you stupid? Who would carry eggs in a sack?" - "Watch YOUR eggs. The sack's full of nails."
- St. Petersburg. Hermitage MuseumHermitage MuseumThe State Hermitage is a museum of art and culture in Saint Petersburg, Russia. One of the largest and oldest museums of the world, it was founded in 1764 by Catherine the Great and has been opened to the public since 1852. Its collections, of which only a small part is on permanent display,...
. An exhibit of a masterpiece by Peter Carl FabergéPeter Carl FabergéPeter Karl Fabergé also known as Karl Gustavovich Fabergé in Russia was a Russian jeweller of Baltic German-Danish and French origin, best known for the famous Fabergé eggs, made in the style of genuine Easter eggs, but using precious metals and gemstones rather than more mundane materials.-Early...
. The caption reads: "Fabergé. Self-portrait. (Fragment)" - A train compartment. A family: a small daughter, her mother and grandma. The fourth passenger is a Georgian. The mother starts feeding a soft-boiled egg to the daughter with a silver spoon. Grandma: "Don't you know that eggs can spoil silver?" — "Who would have known!", thinks the Georgian and replaces his silver cigarette caseCigarette caseA cigarette case or cigarette box is a sturdy, most commonly metal container to store small numbers of cigarettes safely from crushing. In modern times they are also made of plastic....
from the front pants pocket to the back one. - Gorbachev arrives to the USA for a meeting with Reagan. Reagan asks: "Would you like anything for breakfast?" Gorbachev replies: "I want fried eggs of a young Negro." Fifteen minutes later, the requested dish gets delivered. Later, Reagan arrives to the USSR for a meeting with Gorbachev. Gorbachev asks: "What would you like for lunch?" Reagan says: "I want fried brains of a communist." Twenty minutes pass, thirty minutes pass, nothing is delivered. Finally, Gorbachev inquires why his people are not fulfilling his request. The kitchen workers say: "Mikhail Sergeyevich, we are slaughtering the fifteenth communist already; they have no brains, but their tongues are long!" [Russians say a person has a long tongue to describe someone who talks a lot and makes promises that never get realized]
Religion
Religion
Religion is a collection of cultural systems, belief systems, and worldviews that establishes symbols that relate humanity to spirituality and, sometimes, to moral values. Many religions have narratives, symbols, traditions and sacred histories that are intended to give meaning to life or to...
. This is because religion and religious followers were persecuted under Soviet rule
Religion in the Soviet Union
The Soviet Union was the first state to have as an ideological objective the elimination of religion and its replacement with atheism. To that end, the communist regime confiscated religious property, ridiculed religion, harassed believers, and propagated atheism in schools...
.
Nevertheless, there are jokes out there that make fun of the clergy. They tend to be told in quasi-Church Slavonic, with its archaisms and the stereotypical okanye - a clear pronunciation of the unstressed /o/ as /o/. (Modern Russian or "Muscovite" speech reduces unstressed /o/ to /a/
Vowel reduction in Russian
Vowel reduction in Russian differs in the standard language and in dialects. Several ways of reduction are distinguished.There are five vowel phonemes in Standard Russian. Vowels tend to merge together when they are unstressed. The vowels and have the same unstressed allophones for a number of...
.) Clergymen in these jokes always bear obsolete names of distinctively Greek origin and speak in basso profundo.
- (L) At the lesson of the Holy Word: "Disciple Dormidontiy, pray tell me, is the soul separable from the body or not." / "Separable, Father." / "Verily speakest thou. Substantiate thy reckoning." / "Yesterday morning, Father, I was passing by your cell and overheard your voice chanting: (imitates bass) '...And now, my soul, arise and get thee dressed.' " / "Substantiatest... But in vulgarVulgar (disambiguation)Vulgar can refer to:*Vulgarism*Vulgar Latin, the dialects of Latin spoken after the fall of the Roman Empire*Vulgar , a 2000 American film*Vulgar , a 2003 album by Japanese band Dir en grey...
!" (The Russian phrase that translates literally as "my soul" is a term of endearment, often toward romantic partners, comparable to English "my darling") - A lass in a miniskirt jumps onto a bus. The bus starts abruptly, and she falls onto the lap of a seated priest. Surprised, she looks down and says, "Wow!" "It's not a 'wow!', my daughter," says the priest, "it is the key to the Cathedral of Christ the SaviourCathedral of Christ the Saviour (Moscow)The Cathedral of Christ the Saviour is a Church in Moscow, Russia, on the northern bank of the Moskva River, a few blocks south-west of the Kremlin...
!" (Priest, later, coming to the cathedral) "Holy shit! I've left the keys at home!" - A man died and was sent to the paradise. After a while, he became bored with the paradise, with the eternal quiet, abundance of flowers, absence of worries. So he requested to let him visit the hell as a tourist. God consented. In the hell, he saw people playing cards, drinking wine, and making love. He liked it very much and upon return to the paradise applied for a transfer to hell for good. God consented. As soon a he appeared at the hell's gate, demons grabbed him and pushed him into a barrel with hot tar. "Stop it! I was here with a visit and saw the people drinking vodka, playing cards, making love." "Don't confuse the area designated for tourists and sustained by the Propaganda Department, with this area which is for residents."
Other jokes touching on religion involve Heaven or Hell.
Afterlife
- A Communist died and since he was an honest man albeit atheist, he was sentenced to rotate spending one year in Hell and one year in Heaven. One year passed and Satan said to God : "Take this man as fast as possible, because he turned all my young demons into Young PioneersYoung Pioneers- Organizations :*Pioneer movement various communist youth movements*Young Pioneers Charity A charity run by young people for young people.- Fiction :*Young Pioneers - a 1932 book by Rose Wilder Lane, also known as "Let the Hurricane Roar"...
, I have to restore some order." Another year passed, Satan meets God again and tells him : "Lord God, it's my turn now." God replied : "First of all, don't call me Lord God, but instead ComradeComradeComrade means "friend", "colleague", or "ally". The word comes from French camarade. The term is frequently used by left-wing organizations around the globe. "Comrade" has often become a stock phrase and form of address. This word has its regional equivalents available in many...
God; second, there is no God; and one more thing - don't distract me or I'll be late to the Party meeting."
- A Russian and an American are sentenced to HellHellIn many religious traditions, a hell is a place of suffering and punishment in the afterlife. Religions with a linear divine history often depict hells as endless. Religions with a cyclic history often depict a hell as an intermediary period between incarnations...
. The Devil summons them and says: "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you'll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it's 2 buckets." The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: "So, what's it like out there?"/ "Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit is killing me. And you?" / "Ah, it feels just like home - either the shit doesn't get delivered or there aren't enough buckets for everyone!"
- An American, a Hindu and a Russian land in PurgatoryPurgatoryPurgatory is the condition or process of purification or temporary punishment in which, it is believed, the souls of those who die in a state of grace are made ready for Heaven...
. A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The American steps forward. "Alright, you've got three hours to prepare yourself." The American puts on a full-body Kevlar outfit, gets into a tank, drives it into a concrete bunker, the bunker is covered with 15 feet of dirt and inch-thick titanium sheets. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! The titanium and the dirt are gone. SNAP! The bunker and tank are gone. SNAP! The American howls in pain, the ground opens up under his feet and he drops straight to Hell. "Next", says the angel. The Hindu steps forward. "You've got three hours to prepare yourself." / "I need only five minutes. I have studied Yoga all my life and can make myself immune to all pain." The Hindu gets into a lotus position, hums mantras for a few minutes and rises a couple of inches off the ground. The angel unravels his whip. SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! The Hindu is completely unfazed. "Hmm, impressive. Alright, you're free to go." / "Thank you, but only after I see how this one makes it out of this.", says the Hindu, looking at the Russian. / "Your call." The angel turns to the Russian: "What are you going to shield yourself with?" / "With the Hindu, of course."
Russian military jokes
Probably any nation big enough to have an army has a good deal of its own barracks jokes. Other than for plays on words, these jokes are usually international. In the Soviet Union, however, military service was universal (for males), so most people could relate to them. In these jokes a praporschik (warrant officerWarrant Officer
A warrant officer is an officer in a military organization who is designated an officer by a warrant, as distinguished from a commissioned officer who is designated an officer by a commission, or from non-commissioned officer who is designated an officer by virtue of seniority.The rank was first...
) is an archetypal bully of limited wit.
A. Dmitriev illustrates his sociological
Sociology
Sociology is the study of society. It is a social science—a term with which it is sometimes synonymous—which uses various methods of empirical investigation and critical analysis to develop a body of knowledge about human social activity...
essay "Army Humor" with a large number of military jokes, mostly of Russian origin.
There is an enormous number of one-liners, supposedly quoting a praporschik:
- Private Ivanov, dig a trench from me to the next scarecrow!"
- Private Ivanov, dig a trench from the fence to lunchtime!"
- Don't make clever faces at me — you're future officers, now act accordingly!"
The punchline "from the fence to lunchtime" has become a well-known Russian cliché
Cliché
A cliché or cliche is an expression, idea, or element of an artistic work which has been overused to the point of losing its original meaning or effect, especially when at some earlier time it was considered meaningful or novel. In phraseology, the term has taken on a more technical meaning,...
for an assignment with no defined ending (or for doing something forever).
Some of them are philosophical and apply not just to warrant officers.
- Scene One: A tree. An apple. An ape comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from above: "Think, think!" The ape thinks, grabs a stick, and hits the apple off. / Scene Two: A tree. An apple. A praporschik comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from above: "Think, think!" / "There is nothing to think about, gotta shake!".
Commander and intellectual trooper:
- A commander announces: - "The platoon has been assigned to unload 'luminum, the lightest iron in the world". A trooper responds, "Permission to speak... It's 'aluminiumAluminiumAluminium or aluminum is a silvery white member of the boron group of chemical elements. It has the symbol Al, and its atomic number is 13. It is not soluble in water under normal circumstances....
', not 'luminum', and it's one of the lightest metals in the world, not the lightest 'iron' in the world.". The commander retorts: "The platoon is going to unload 'luminum... and the intelligentsiaIntelligentsiaThe intelligentsia is a social class of people engaged in complex, mental and creative labor directed to the development and dissemination of culture, encompassing intellectuals and social groups close to them...
are going to unload 'castum ironumCast ironCast iron is derived from pig iron, and while it usually refers to gray iron, it also identifies a large group of ferrous alloys which solidify with a eutectic. The color of a fractured surface can be used to identify an alloy. White cast iron is named after its white surface when fractured, due...
'!" (For Russian speakers: the words were lyuminiy and chuguniy).
(A persistent theme in Russian military/police/law-enforcement-related jokes is the ongoing conflict between the representatives of the armed forces/law enforcement, and the "intelligentsia
Intelligentsia
The intelligentsia is a social class of people engaged in complex, mental and creative labor directed to the development and dissemination of culture, encompassing intellectuals and social groups close to them...
", i.e. well-educated members of society. Therefore, this theme is a satire of the image of military/law-enforcement officers and superiors as dumb and distrustful of "those educated smart-alecks".)
Until shortly before perestroika
Perestroika
Perestroika was a political movement within the Communist Party of the Soviet Union during 1980s, widely associated with the Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev...
, all fit male students of higher education
Higher education
Higher, post-secondary, tertiary, or third level education refers to the stage of learning that occurs at universities, academies, colleges, seminaries, and institutes of technology...
had obligatory military ROTC courses from which they graduate as junior officers in the military reserve
Military reserve
A military reserve, tactical reserve, or strategic reserve is a group of military personnel or units which are initially not committed to a battle by their commander so that they are available to address unforeseen situations or exploit suddenly developing...
. A good deal of military jokes originated there.
- "Soviet nuclear bombs are 25% more efficient than the Atomic Bombs of the probable adversary. American bombs have 4 zones of effect: A, B, C, D, while ours have five: А, Б, В, Г, Д!" (the first five letters of the Russian alphabet, they are transliterated into Latin as A, B, V, G, D).
- "A nuclear bomb always hits ground zeroGround zeroThe term ground zero describes the point on the Earth's surface closest to a detonation...
." - "Suppose we have a unit of M tanks... no, M is not enough. Suppose we have a unit of N tanks!"
- A threat to an idle student: "I ought to take you out into the open field, put you face first against a wall, and shoot you between the eyes with a shotgun, so that you'd remember it for the rest of your life!
- "Cadets, write down: the temperature of boilingBoiling pointThe boiling point of an element or a substance is the temperature at which the vapor pressure of the liquid equals the environmental pressure surrounding the liquid....
water is 90°." One of the privates replies, "Comrade praporshchik, you're mistaken — it's 100°!" The officer checks in the book, and then replies, "Right, 100°. It is the right angle that boils at 90°." - - Cadets, now write down: "This device works at the temperature between -400 and 400 degrees."
- Comrade praporshchik, there is no temperature like -400 degrees!.
- It's a secret device.
Sometimes, these silly statements can cross over, intentionally or unintentionally, into the realm of actual wit:
- "Cadet, explain why you have come to class wearing the uniform of our probable military opponent!" (most probably, the instructor means jeansJeansJeans are trousers made from denim. Some of the earliest American blue jeans were made by Jacob Davis, Calvin Rogers, and Levi Strauss in 1873. Starting in the 1950s, jeans, originally designed for cowboys, became popular among teenagers. Historic brands include Levi's, Lee, and Wrangler...
made in the USA) The right answer, as mentioned sometimes, is: "Because they are a probable war trophy!"
- A missile silo officer falls asleep during his watch, with his face on the control board and hits the "red buttonBig red buttonA big red button , sometimes called a big red switch , is a real or fictional button with various functions. The purpose of being big and red is for its quick identification and actuation...
"/ As the colonel comes in, the officer snaps up and proudly reports: "Nothing to report during my watch, comrade Colonel"/ "Nothing to report, you say? Nothing to report?! Then where the hell is BelgiumBelgiumBelgium , officially the Kingdom of Belgium, is a federal state in Western Europe. It is a founding member of the European Union and hosts the EU's headquarters, and those of several other major international organisations such as NATO.Belgium is also a member of, or affiliated to, many...
?!!" - Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, two submarines, Soviet and American, come to the surface. The Soviet one is old and rusty; the American one is new and shiny. On the Soviet one, the crew lounges about without any order, and a drunken captain yells at them: "Who threw a valenok (traditional Russian winter footwear made of felt) on the control board? I'm asking you, who threw a valenok on the control board?!". From the American submarine, a shaved, sober and well-dressed captain, notes sarcastically: "You know, folks, in America...". The Russian captain interrupts him, screaming: "America? America??! There is none of your fucking America anymore!" (Turns back to the crew) "Who threw a valenok onto the control board?!"
There is also an eternal dispute between servicemen and civilians:
- Civilian: "You servicemen are dumb. We civilians are smart!" / Serviceman: "If you are so smart, then why don’t you march in single file?" Navy ending: "... why don't you wear a tel'nik?" (short for telnyashkaTelnyashkaA telnyashka is a dark color and white striped, sleeveless or not, undershirt, which is an iconic uniform of the Russian Navy, the Russian Airborne Forces and the Russian Naval Infantry , initially by Soviet predecessors of these troops...
).
Chernobyl humour
- An old woman stands in the market with a "ChernobylChernobyl disasterThe Chernobyl disaster was a nuclear accident that occurred on 26 April 1986 at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in Ukraine , which was under the direct jurisdiction of the central authorities in Moscow...
mushroomMushroomA mushroom is the fleshy, spore-bearing fruiting body of a fungus, typically produced above ground on soil or on its food source. The standard for the name "mushroom" is the cultivated white button mushroom, Agaricus bisporus; hence the word "mushroom" is most often applied to those fungi that...
s for sale" sign. A man goes up to her and asks, "Hey, what are you doing? Who's going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?" And she tells him, "Why, lots of people. Some for their boss, others for their mother-in-law..."
- A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power PlantChernobyl Nuclear Power PlantThe Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant or Chornobyl Nuclear Power Plant is a decommissioned nuclear power station near the city of Pripyat, Ukraine, northwest of the city of Chernobyl, from the Ukraine–Belarus border, and about north of Kiev. Reactor 4 was the site of the Chernobyl disaster in...
?" "Yes, there was." — answered the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head. "Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?" "Yes, absolutely" — answered the Grandpa and patted the grandson's second head. (Often added "And they strolled off together, wagging their tails").
- A Soviet newspaper reports: "Last night the Chernobyl Nuclear Powerstation fulfilled the Five Year PlanFive-Year Plan (USSR)The Five-Year Plans for the National Economy of the Soviet Union were a series of nation-wide centralized exercises in rapid economic development in the Soviet Union. The plans were developed by a state planning committee based on the Theory of Productive Forces that was part of the general...
of heat energy generation in 4 microseconds."
- "Is it true, that you may eat meat from Chernobyl?" - "Yes, you may. But the feces must be buried in concrete 5 ft deep in the earth."
- Announcement on the radio: "Soviet scientists have managed to synthesize the next element from the Mendeleev periodic table. They called it USSRium. It turned out to be radioactive, with a halflife of 69 years." (There are 69 years between the October coup d'état, when the bolsheviks took power in 1917, and 1986, the year of the Chernobyl disaster. Sometimes told without a connection to Chernobyl, giving 74 years as the period of full decayRadioactive decayRadioactive decay is the process by which an atomic nucleus of an unstable atom loses energy by emitting ionizing particles . The emission is spontaneous, in that the atom decays without any physical interaction with another particle from outside the atom...
for the element).
Medical humour
Medical jokes are widespread. Usually, they consist of a short dialogue of doctor or nurse and patient.- "Nurse, where're we going?" / "To the morgue."/ "But I haven't died yet!"/ "Well, we haven't arrived yet."
- "Nurse, where're we going?" / "To the morgue."/ "But I haven't died yet!"/ "The doc said 'to the morgue' — to the morgue it is!" / "But what is wrong with me?!" / "The autopsy will show!"
The phrase "The doc said 'to the morgue', to the morgue it is!" (Доктор сказал «в морг» — значит в морг!) became a well-known Russian cliché meaning that something unpleasant must be done.
University students
The life of most Russian university students is often associated with many people coming from small towns and living in dormitories. State universities (the only type of universities in existence in Soviet times) are notable for carelessness about the students' comfort and the quality of food. Most jokes make fun of these "interesting" conditions, inventive evasion by students of their academic duties or lecture attendance, constant shortage of money and sometimes about alcoholic tendencies of engineering students.Students' nutrition
- A memo in a student dining hall: "Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already been poisoned!".
- A crocodile's stomach can digest concrete. A student's stomach can digest that of a crocodile.
- A student in the canteen: "Can I have 2 wienerHot dogA hot dog is a sausage served in a sliced bun. It is very often garnished with mustard, ketchup, onions, mayonnaise, relish and/or sauerkraut.-History:...
s....... and 17 forks, please?"
Students' drinking
- A very rumpled student peeks into an exam room and slurs at the examiner: "Pp-proffessosssor, wou'd you al-low a drunk student tt-o tt-ake the exam?.." The professor sighs and says, "Sure, why not." The rumpled student turns around and slurs into the hallway: "G-guys, c-carry 'im in."
Study
Also, there are a number of funny student obsessions such as zachetka (a transcript of grades, carried by every student), halyava (a chance of getting good or acceptable grades without any effort) and getting a scholarshipScholarship
A scholarship is an award of financial aid for a student to further education. Scholarships are awarded on various criteria usually reflecting the values and purposes of the donor or founder of the award.-Types:...
for good grades.
A large number of jokes are about an exam; these are usually a dialogue between the professor and the student, based on a set of questions written on a bilet (a small sheet of paper, literally: ticket), which the student draws at random in the exam room and is given some time to prepare answers for. Even more jokes use the fact that many (or even most) students really study only when the exam is in the near future (in one or two days), saving time for more interesting activities such as parties, videogames and so on.
Cowboy jokes
Cowboy
A cowboy is an animal herder who tends cattle on ranches in North America, traditionally on horseback, and often performs a multitude of other ranch-related tasks. The historic American cowboy of the late 19th century arose from the vaquero traditions of northern Mexico and became a figure of...
s, and of course the perception is that everything is big
Tall tale
A tall tale is a story with unbelievable elements, related as if it were true and factual. Some such stories are exaggerations of actual events, for example fish stories such as, "that fish was so big, why I tell ya', it nearly sank the boat when I pulled it in!" Other tall tales are completely...
in Texas
Texas
Texas is the second largest U.S. state by both area and population, and the largest state by area in the contiguous United States.The name, based on the Caddo word "Tejas" meaning "friends" or "allies", was applied by the Spanish to the Caddo themselves and to the region of their settlement in...
. It is often difficult to guess whether these are imported or genuinely Russian inventions. Other times, it's pretty clear. Most of them depict American national traits that Russians adore and respect.
- In a saloon.
- — The guy over there really pisses me off!
- — There are four of them; which one?
- (The joke narrator imitates the sounds of three shots)
- — The one still standing!
- Another Version - The guy over there have saved my life yesterday, I am really grateful to him <...> - The one that has fallen!
- Two cowboys, a newcomer and an old-timer, are drinking beer in front of a saloon. Suddenly, there is a clatter of hooves, a great cloud of dust, and something moving extremely fast from one end of town to the other. The newcomer looks at the old-timer, but seeing no reaction, decides to let the matter drop. However, several minutes later, the same cloud of dust, accompanied by the clatter of hooves, rapidly proceeds in the other direction. Not being able to see what's behind the dust, and unable to contain his curiosity any longer, the newcomer asks:
- Another Version - The guy over there have saved my life yesterday, I am really grateful to him <...> - The one that has fallen!
- — OK, what the hell was that?
- — Oh, that's Elusive Joe.
- — Really? He rides so fast that nobody can catch him? Wow!
- — No... Nobody gives a fuck.
- The "Elusive Joe" has become an ironic nickname in Russia for various difficult-to-find persons (not necessarily unimportant ones). It is suggested that the nickname and the joke originated from a 1923 satirical novel An Elusive Enemy. American Novel by Mikhail Kozyrev (:ru:Козырев, Михаил Яковлевич) which contained a funny song about a Joe who was elusive because no one needed him.
Jokes about disabilities
Jokes set in mental hospitalMental Hospital
Mental hospital may refer to:*Psychiatric hospital*hospital in Nepal named Mental Hospital...
s are quite common in Russian humor, just as in the humor of other cultures. However psychiatry was part of Soviet political repressions
Soviet political repressions
Throughout the history of the Soviet Union millions of people became victims of political repression, which was an instrument of the state since the October Revolution...
and it is claimed that the tradition continued into modern Russia (see article "Psikhushka
Psikhushka
In the Soviet Union, systematic political abuse of psychiatry took place. Soviet psychiatric hospitals were used by the authorities as prisons in order to isolate hundreds or thousands of political prisoners from the rest of society, discredit their ideas, and break them physically and mentally...
"). Therefore there is a notable political subseries of jokes about the mentally ill that is observed in Russian humor.
- A lecturer visits the mental hospital and gives a lecture about how great communism is. Everybody claps loudly except for one person who keeps quiet. The lecturer asks: "Why aren't you clapping?" and the person replies "I'm not a psycho, I work here."
A large number of jokes, arguably unparalleled among other nations, are about people with acute dystrophy
Dystrophy
Dystrophy is any condition of abnormal development, often denoting the degeneration of muscles.-Types:* Muscular dystrophy* Duchenne muscular dystrophy* Becker's muscular dystrophy* Reflex neurovascular dystrophy* Retinal dystrophy* Conal dystrophy...
, informally called distrofik in Russia. The main topics are extreme weakness, slowness, leanness, and weightlessness of a distrofik.
Some of them originated in the infamous Gulag
Gulag
The Gulag was the government agency that administered the main Soviet forced labor camp systems. While the camps housed a wide range of convicts, from petty criminals to political prisoners, large numbers were convicted by simplified procedures, such as NKVD troikas and other instruments of...
camps. Alexander Solzhenitsyn in his Gulag Archipelago (as well as other writers about Gulag) wrote that dystrophy was a typical phase in the life of a gulag inmate. He quotes the following Gulag joke. In order to deny international rumors, Stalin allowed a foreign delegation to inspect some Gulag camps. As a result a foreign reporter wrote "a zek (gulag inmate) is lazy, gluttonous, and deceiving". By a misfortune the same reporter landed in a gulag as an inmate himself. When released, he wrote "a zek is lean, ringing, and transparent" (Russian: tonkiy, zvonkiy and prozrachny).
Others depict scorn of working class people to intelligentsia, who were most often physically underdeveloped.
- Muscular dystrophyMuscular dystrophyMuscular dystrophy is a group of muscle diseases that weaken the musculoskeletal system and hamper locomotion. Muscular dystrophies are characterized by progressive skeletal muscle weakness, defects in muscle proteins, and the death of muscle cells and tissue.In the 1860s, descriptions of boys who...
patients are playing hide and seek in the hospital. "Vovka, where are you?" / "I'm here, behind this broomstick!" / "Hey, didn't we have an arrangement not to hide behind thick objects?" - A jolly doctor comes into a dystrophy ward: "Greetings, eagles!" (a Russian cliché in addressing able-bodied men, e.g., brave soldiers) In reply: "No, we are not. We are flying because the nurse turned the fan on!"
- A muscular dystrophyMuscular dystrophyMuscular dystrophy is a group of muscle diseases that weaken the musculoskeletal system and hamper locomotion. Muscular dystrophies are characterized by progressive skeletal muscle weakness, defects in muscle proteins, and the death of muscle cells and tissue.In the 1860s, descriptions of boys who...
patient is lying in bed and shouting: "Nurse! Nurse!" / "What is it now?" / "Kill the fly! It's trampling my chest to pulp."
Taboo vocabulary
The very use of obscene Russian vocabulary, called matRussian mat
Mat is the term for strong obscene profanity in Russian and some other Slavic language communities.Use of mat is censored in the media and use of mat in public constitutes a form of disorderly conduct, punishable under article 20.1.1 of the Offences Code of Russia, although it is only enforced...
, can enhance the humorous effect of a joke by its emotional impact. Due to the somewhat different cultural attitude to obscene slang, such an effect is difficult to render in English. The taboo status often makes mat itself the subject of a joke. One typical plot goes as follows.
- A construction site expects an inspection from the higher-ups, so a foreman warns the boys to watch their tongues. During the inspection, a hammer is accidentally dropped from the fourth floor right on a worker's head... The punch linePunch lineA punch line is the final part of a joke, comedy sketch, or profound statement, usually the word, sentence or exchange of sentences which is intended to be funny or to provoke laughter or thought from listeners...
is an exceedingly polite, classy rebuke from the mouth of the injured, rather than a typically expected "#@&%$!Expletive attributiveExpletive comes from the Latin verb explere, meaning "to fill", via expletivus, "filling out". It was introduced into English in the seventeenth century to refer to various kinds of padding—the padding out of a book with peripheral material, the addition of syllables to a line of poetry for...
". For example the injured worker might say: "Dear co-workers, could you please watch your tools a little more carefully, so as to prevent such cases and avoid work-place injuries?" In another variant of the joke the punch line is "Vasya, please desist in pouring molten tin over my head."
(L) Another series of jokes exploits the richness of the mat vocabulary, which can give a substitute to a great many words of everyday conversation. Other languages often use profanity in a similar way (like the English fuck, for example), but the highly synthetic
Synthetic language
In linguistic typology, a synthetic language is a language with a high morpheme-per-word ratio, as opposed to a low morpheme-per-word ratio in what is described as an isolating language...
grammar of Russian
Russian grammar
Russian grammar encompasses:* a highly synthetic morphology* a syntax that, for the literary language, is the conscious fusion of three elements:** a Church Slavonic inheritance;...
provides for the unambiguity and the outstandingly great number of various derivations from a single mat root
Root (linguistics)
The root word is the primary lexical unit of a word, and of a word family , which carries the most significant aspects of semantic content and cannot be reduced into smaller constituents....
. Emil Draitser
Emil Draitser
Emil Draitser is author and professor of Russian at Hunter College, New York City. Besides twelve books of artistic and scholarly prose, his essays and short stories have been published in the Los Angeles Times, Partisan Review, North American Review, San Francisco Chronicle, Prism International,...
points out that linguists explain that the linguistic properties of the Russian language rich in affix
Affix
An affix is a morpheme that is attached to a word stem to form a new word. Affixes may be derivational, like English -ness and pre-, or inflectional, like English plural -s and past tense -ed. They are bound morphemes by definition; prefixes and suffixes may be separable affixes...
es allows for expression of a wide variety of feelings and notions using only a few core mat words:
- An agenda item on working conditions at a trade union meeting of a Soviet plant. Locksmith Ivanov takes the floor: "Mother fuckers!... Go fuck yourself!... Fuck you and you too again!..." A voice from the audience: "Right to the point, Vasya! we won't work without work robes!"
As an ultimate joke in this series, the goal is to apply such substitution to as many words of a sentence as possible while keeping it meaningful. The following dialog at a construction site between a foreman and a worker retains a clear meaning even with all of its 14 words being derived from the single obscene word khuy. Russian language proficiency is needed to understand this.
Word-by-word:
- — Ohuyeli?! (Have [you] gone mad?!) Nahuya (why) dohuya (so much) huyni (of stuff) nahuyarili (you have loaded up)? Rashuyarivay (unload [it]) nahuy! (out of here)
- — Huli?! (What's the problem?) Nihuya! (No way!) Nehuy (No need) rashuyarivat (to unload)! Nahuyacheno ([It] got loaded) nehuyovo! (quite well)! Pohuyarili! (Let's go)
Possible, but incomplete translation:
- — Fuckheads, why the fuck did you load so much of this shit? Unload it the fuck away from here!
- — What's the fucking problem?! Fuck no! No need to unload! It got loaded alright! Let's fucking go!
After this example one may readily believe the following semi-apocryphal story. An inspection was expected at a Soviet plant to award it the Quality Mark
State Quality Mark of the USSR
The State Quality Mark of the USSR was the official Soviet mark for the certification of quality established in 1967.It was used to mark consumer, production, and technical goods to certify that they met quality standards and, in general, to increase the effectiveness of the production system in...
, so the administration prohibited the usage of mat. On the next day the productivity dropped abruptly. People's Control
People's Control
The People's Control was a semi-civic, semi-governmental organisation in the Soviet Union with the purpose of putting under scrutiny the activities or government, local administrations and enterprises...
figured out the reason: miscommunication. It turned out that workers knew all the tools and parts only by their mat-based names: huyovina, pizdyulina, huynyushka, huyatina, etc. (all of these are loosely translated as "thing"); the same went for technological processes: othuyachit (to detach, cut, disconnect), zayebenit (to push through, force into), prihuyachit (to attach, connect, bond, nail), huynut (to move slightly, throw, pour), zahuyarit (to throw far away, to put in deeply) etc.
Online
The Internet gave rise to padonkiPadonki
Padonki is a counter-culture subculture within the Russian-speaking Internet community most famous for using their slang Olbanian language or padonkaffsky jargon...
and padonkaffsky jargon
Padonkaffsky jargon
Padonkaffsky jargon or Olbanian language is a cant language developed by padonki of Runet. It started as an Internet slang language originally used in the Russian Internet community...
using Russian and Ukrainian language
Ukrainian language
Ukrainian is a language of the East Slavic subgroup of the Slavic languages. It is the official state language of Ukraine. Written Ukrainian uses a variant of the Cyrillic alphabet....
to create an Olbanian language. It became so popular, that President of Russia, Dmitry Medvedev
Dmitry Medvedev
Dmitry Anatolyevich Medvedev is the third President of the Russian Federation.Born to a family of academics, Medvedev graduated from the Law Department of Leningrad State University in 1987. He defended his dissertation in 1990 and worked as a docent at his alma mater, now renamed to Saint...
jokingly suggested the Olbanian language should be taught in schools.
In English
- Emil DraitserEmil DraitserEmil Draitser is author and professor of Russian at Hunter College, New York City. Besides twelve books of artistic and scholarly prose, his essays and short stories have been published in the Los Angeles Times, Partisan Review, North American Review, San Francisco Chronicle, Prism International,...
Forbidden Laughter (Los Angeles: Almanac Press, 1980.) ISBN 0896260453 - Graham, Seth (2003) A Cultural Analysis of the Russo-Soviet Anekdot. Doctoral Dissertation, University of Pittsburgh.
- Emil Draitser Taking Penguins to the Movies: Ethnic Humor in Russia (Detroit: Wayne State University Press, 1999.) ISBN 0814323278
- Tiny Revolution Russia: Twentieth Century Soviet and Russian History in Anecdotes and Jokes
- Reflective Laughter: Aspects of Humour in Russian Culture (Anthem Slavic and Russian Studies)
- Ethnic Humor Around the World: A Comparative Analysis
- Consuming Russia: Popular Culture, Sex, and Society since Gorbachev, contains an essay about Russian jokes
- Christie DaviesChristie DaviesChristie Davies is a British sociologist, professor emeritus of sociology at the University of Reading, England, the author of many articles and books on criminology, the sociology of morality, censorship, and humor...
, Jokes and Their Relation to Society (1998) ISBN 3110161044, Chapter 5: "Stupidity and rationality: Jokes from the iron cage" (about jokes from beyond the Iron CurtainIron CurtainThe concept of the Iron Curtain symbolized the ideological fighting and physical boundary dividing Europe into two separate areas from the end of World War II in 1945 until the end of the Cold War in 1989...
) - Contemporary Russian Satire: A Genre Study
- Laughter through tears: Underground wit, humor, and satire in the Soviet Russian Empire
- Is That You Laughing Comrade? the World's Best Russian (Underground Jokes)
- Rodger Swearingen, What's so funny, comrade? (1961) ASIN B0007DX2Z0
- The Cambridge Companion to Modern Russian Culture; section "Popular Culture" discusses Russian "narrative jokes (anekdot) and chastushkaChastushkaA Chastúshka is a traditional Russian or Ukrainian folk poem which makes use of a simple rhyming scheme to convey humorous or ironic content...
s: ... further "wise fool" figures, such as brave Red Army commander Chapayev, hippies, Cheburashka and Cornet Rzhevsky have replaced Ivan the FoolIvan the FoolIvan the Fool or Ivan the Ninny is a character used in Russian folklore, a very simple-minded, but nevertheless lucky young man. Ivan is described as a likeable fair-haired and blue-eyed youth.... - "Eros and Pornography in Russian Culture." Edited by Marcus C. Levitt and Andrei L. Toporkov. In the Series “Russkaia potaennaia literatura.” Ladomir Publishers, Moscow, 1999. 700 p (review) Section "Pornography in Russia today" contains a chapter on contemporary Russian humor
- Draitser, Emil, "The Rise and Fall of the New Russians," in Uncensored? Reinventing Humor and Satire in Post-Soviet Russia by Seth Graham and Olga Mezropova, eds. Slavica Publishers, 2008, 79-98.
In Russian
- "Eto prosto smeshno, ili, Zerkalo krivogo korolevstva: Anekdoty : sistemnyi analiz, sintez i klassifikatsiia"
- "U Mikrofona Armianskoe Radio" (1995) ISBN 5871730019
- Sotsiologiia iumora: Ocherki (1996) Russian Academy of Science, ISBN 5201019080
- Sovetskii Soiuz v zerkale politicheskogo anekdota
Other
- Ilmari SusiluotoIlmari SusiluotoIlmari Susiluoto is a Finnish political scientist, professor at the University of Helsinki, senior advisor at the Foreign Ministry of Finland since 1982, an expert in Russian and Soviet history, politics and society, an author of a number of books in this area.- Bibliography :* Jättiläinen...
- Työ tyhmästä pitää, venäläisen huumorin aakkoset ("Only a Fool Likes to Work: The ABCs of Russian humour"), Ajatuskustannus, 2000
- Takaisin Neuvostoliittoon (2006) ("Back to the USSR") — A review, Helsingin SanomatHelsingin SanomatHelsingin Sanomat is the largest subscription newspaper in Finland and the Nordic countries, owned by Sanoma. Except after certain holidays, it is published daily. In 2008, its daily circulation was 412,421 on weekdays and 468,505 on Sundays...
, 9/5/2006 : "Soviet nostalgia lives on in Russian anecdotes: Finnish political scientist examines post-Soviet humour in new book" (review in English)
- Radio YerevanRadio YerevanRadio Yerevan, or Armenian Radio jokes have been very popular in the Soviet Union and in other Communist countries of the ex-Eastern bloc since the second half of the 20th century....
External links
- Hammer & tickle, Prospect MagazineProspect (magazine)Prospect is a monthly British general interest magazine, specialising in politics and current affairs. Frequent topics include British, European, and US politics, social issues, art, literature, cinema, science, the media, history, philosophy, and psychology...
, May 2006, essay by Ben Lewis on jokes in Communist countries - Russian humour
- One Hundred Russian Jokes