Russian political jokes (or, rather, Russophone

Russophone

A Russophone is literally a speaker of the Russian language either natively or by preference. At the same time the term is used in a more specialized meaning to describe the category of people whose cultural background is associated with Russian language regardless of ethnic and territorial...

 political jokes) are a part of Russian humour

Russian humour

Russian humour gains much of its wit from the inflection of the Russian language, allowing for plays on words and unexpected associations. As with any other culture's humour, its vast scope ranges from lewd jokes and wordplay to political satire.- Jokes :...

 and can be naturally grouped into the major time periods: Imperial Russia, Soviet Union

Soviet Union

The Soviet Union , officially the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics , was a constitutionally socialist state that existed in Eurasia between 1922 and 1991....

 and finally post-Soviet Russia

Russia

Russia or , officially known as both Russia and the Russian Federation , is a country in northern Eurasia. It is a federal semi-presidential republic, comprising 83 federal subjects...

. Quite a few political themes can be found among other standard categories of Russian joke, most notably Rabinoivich jokes and Radio Yerevan

Radio Yerevan

Radio Yerevan, or Armenian Radio jokes have been very popular in the Soviet Union and in other Communist countries of the ex-Eastern bloc since the second half of the 20th century....

.

Soviet Union

Every nation is fond of the category of political jokes, but in the Soviet Union telling political jokes was in a sense an extreme sport

Extreme sport

An extreme sport is a popular term for certain activities perceived as having a high level of inherent danger...

: according to Article 58 (RSFSR Penal Code)

Article 58 (RSFSR Penal Code)

Article 58 of the Russian SFSR Penal Code was put in force on 25 February 1927 to arrest those suspected of counter-revolutionary activities. It was revised several times...

, "anti-Soviet propaganda" was a potentially capital

Capital punishment

Capital punishment, the death penalty, or execution is the sentence of death upon a person by the state as a punishment for an offence. Crimes that can result in a death penalty are known as capital crimes or capital offences. The term capital originates from the Latin capitalis, literally...

 offense.

• A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't - I just gave a guy ten years for it!"

Nevertheless, as Ben Lewis put it in his essay, and book, "Communism

Communism

Communism is a social, political and economic ideology that aims at the establishment of a classless, moneyless, revolutionary and stateless socialist society structured upon common ownership of the means of production...

 was a humour-producing machine. Its economic theories and system of repression created inherently funny situations. There were jokes under fascism

Fascism

Fascism is a radical authoritarian nationalist political ideology. Fascists seek to rejuvenate their nation based on commitment to the national community as an organic entity, in which individuals are bound together in national identity by suprapersonal connections of ancestry, culture, and blood...

 and the Nazis too, but those systems did not create an absurd, laugh-a-minute reality like communism."

Early Soviet times

Jokes from these times are of historical value, portraying the character of the epoch as perfectly as long novels.

• Midnight Petrograd... A night watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who goes there? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like..." "A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then reads further: "'Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none...' You are free to go, proletarian comrade
  Comrade
  Comrade means "friend", "colleague", or "ally". The word comes from French camarade. The term is frequently used by left-wing organizations around the globe. "Comrade" has often become a stock phrase and form of address. This word has its regional equivalents available in many...
  
  ! Long live the World revolution
  World revolution
  World revolution is the Marxist concept of overthrowing capitalism in all countries through the conscious revolutionary action of the organized working class...
  
  !"

Communism

According to Marxist-Leninist theory, communism

Communism

Communism is a social, political and economic ideology that aims at the establishment of a classless, moneyless, revolutionary and stateless socialist society structured upon common ownership of the means of production...

 in the strict sense is the final stage of a society's evolution after passing through the socialism

Socialism

Socialism is an economic system characterized by social ownership of the means of production and cooperative management of the economy; or a political philosophy advocating such a system. "Social ownership" may refer to any one of, or a combination of, the following: cooperative enterprises,...

 stage. The Soviet Union thus cast itself as a socialist country trying to build communism, the classless society.

• The principle of socialist economy of the period of transition to communism: the authorities pretend they are paying wages, workers pretend they are working. Alternately, "So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work." This joke persisted essentially unchanged through the 1980s.

Satirical verses and parodies made fun of official Soviet propaganda slogans.

• "Lenin died, but his cause lives on!" (an actual slogan)

Punch line variant #1: Rabinovich notes: "I would prefer it the other way round."

Variant #2: What a coincidence: "Brezhnev died, but his body lives on."

(extra comedic effect in the latter case is achieved by the fact that the words cause (delo) and body (telo) rhyme in Russian.

• Lenin coined a slogan on how to achieve the state of communism through rule by the Communist Party and modernization of the Russian industry and agriculture: "Communism is Soviet power plus electrification of the whole country!" The slogan was subject to popular mathematical scrutiny: "Consequently, Soviet power is communism minus electrification, and electrification is communism minus Soviet power."

• A chastushka
  Chastushka
  A Chastúshka is a traditional Russian or Ukrainian folk poem which makes use of a simple rhyming scheme to convey humorous or ironic content...
  
   ridiculing the tendency to praise the Party left and right:

The winter's passed,

The summer's here.

For this we thank

Our party dear!

Russian:

Прошла зима,

настало лето.

Спасибо партии

за это!

(Proshla zima, nastalo leto / Spasibo partii za eto!)

• One old bolshevik
  Bolshevik
  The Bolsheviks, originally also Bolshevists , derived from bol'shinstvo, "majority") were a faction of the Marxist Russian Social Democratic Labour Party which split apart from the Menshevik faction at the Second Party Congress in 1903....
  
   says to another: "No my friend, we will not live long enough to see communism, but our children... poor children." (An allusion to the slogan "Our children will live in Communism!")

Some jokes allude to notions long forgotten. Survived, they are still funny, but may look strange.

• Q: Will there be KGB
  KGB
  The KGB was the commonly used acronym for the . It was the national security agency of the Soviet Union from 1954 until 1991, and was the premier internal security, intelligence, and secret police organization during that time.The State Security Agency of the Republic of Belarus currently uses the...
  
   in communism?

A: As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to self-arrest themselves.

The original version was about Cheka

Cheka

Cheka was the first of a succession of Soviet state security organizations. It was created by a decree issued on December 20, 1917, by Vladimir Lenin and subsequently led by aristocrat-turned-communist Felix Dzerzhinsky...

. To fully appreciate this joke, a person must know that during the Cheka times, in addition to standard taxation of peasants, they were often forced to perform samooblozhenie ("self-taxation

Self-taxation

In the former Soviet Union, self-taxation was a form of collecting various resources in rural areas for local needs. Described as voluntary, it was established at a common meeting of the residents of an administrative unit...

") — after delivering a regular amount of agricultural products, prosperous peasants, especially those declared to be kulak

Kulak

Kulaks were a category of relatively affluent peasants in the later Russian Empire, Soviet Russia, and early Soviet Union...

s were expected to "voluntarily" deliver the same amount again; sometimes even "double samooblozhenie" was applied.

• Collective farm

-How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin

Kremlin

A kremlin , same root as in kremen is a major fortified central complex found in historic Russian cities. This word is often used to refer to the best-known one, the Moscow Kremlin, or metonymically to the government that is based there...

?

-Put up a sign saying "collective farm". Then half the mice will starve and the others will run away.

This joke is an allusion to the consequences of the collectivization policy pursued by Joseph Stalin

Joseph Stalin

Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin was the Premier of the Soviet Union from 6 May 1941 to 5 March 1953. He was among the Bolshevik revolutionaries who brought about the October Revolution and had held the position of first General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union's Central Committee...

 between 1928 and 1933.

Gulag

• Three men sit in a jail in (KGB headquarters) Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, and he says, "Because I criticized Karl Radek
  Karl Radek
  Karl Bernhardovic Radek was a socialist active in the Polish and German movements before World War I and an international Communist leader after the Russian Revolution....
  
  ." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail too. He responds, "I'm Karl Radek."

• Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our labor camp
  Gulag
  The Gulag was the government agency that administered the main Soviet forced labor camp systems. While the camps housed a wide range of convicts, from petty criminals to political prisoners, large numbers were convicted by simplified procedures, such as NKVD troikas and other instruments of...
  
  s are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one, reportedly to investigate the issue. He hasn't returned yet; we are told he liked it there."

• "Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?" — "Yes" — "And how many have you collected so far?" — "Three and a half labor camps."

Gulag Archipelago

Alexander Solzhenitsyn's book, Gulag Archipelago, has a chapter entitled "Zeks as a Nation", which is a mock ethnographic sketch intended to "prove" that the inhabitants of the Gulag Archipelago constitute a separate nation

Nation

A nation may refer to a community of people who share a common language, culture, ethnicity, descent, and/or history. In this definition, a nation has no physical borders. However, it can also refer to people who share a common territory and government irrespective of their ethnic make-up...

 according to "the only scientific definition of nation given by comrade Stalin

Joseph Stalin

Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin was the Premier of the Soviet Union from 6 May 1941 to 5 March 1953. He was among the Bolshevik revolutionaries who brought about the October Revolution and had held the position of first General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union's Central Committee...

". As part of the research, Solzhenitsyn analyzes humor of zeks (gulag

Gulag

The Gulag was the government agency that administered the main Soviet forced labor camp systems. While the camps housed a wide range of convicts, from petty criminals to political prisoners, large numbers were convicted by simplified procedures, such as NKVD troikas and other instruments of...

 inmates). Some examples:

• "He was sentenced to 3 years, served 5, then fortunately was released ahead of time." (The joke hints to a common practice, described by Solzhenitsyn, of arbitrary extending the sentence term or adding new accusations). In a similar vein, when someone asked to add something, e.g., more boiled water into a cup, a typical retort was "The prosecutor will add!"
• "Is it hard in gulag?" — "Only during the first 10 years."
• When the quarter-century term had become standard for Article 58, the common joke was: "OK, now 25 years of life are guaranteed!"

Armenian Radio

The Armenian Radio or "Radio Yerevan

Radio Yerevan

Radio Yerevan, or Armenian Radio jokes have been very popular in the Soviet Union and in other Communist countries of the ex-Eastern bloc since the second half of the 20th century....

" jokes are of format "ask us whatever you want, we will answer you whatever we want". They give snappy or double-minded answers to questions on politics, commodities, economy or other taboo subjects of the Communist era. Questions and answers from this fictitious Radio are known even outside Russia.

• Q: What's the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?

A: The capitalist fairy tale starts out; "once upon a time there was....", The Marxist fairy tale starts out; "some day there will be...."

• Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech
  Freedom of speech
  Freedom of speech is the freedom to speak freely without censorship. The term freedom of expression is sometimes used synonymously, but includes any act of seeking, receiving and imparting information or ideas, regardless of the medium used...
  
   in the Soviet Union
  Soviet Union
  The Soviet Union , officially the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics , was a constitutionally socialist state that existed in Eurasia between 1922 and 1991....
  
   the same as there is in the USA?

A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House

White House

The White House is the official residence and principal workplace of the president of the United States. Located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW in Washington, D.C., the house was designed by Irish-born James Hoban, and built between 1792 and 1800 of white-painted Aquia sandstone in the Neoclassical...

 in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan

Ronald Reagan

Ronald Wilson Reagan was the 40th President of the United States , the 33rd Governor of California and, prior to that, a radio, film and television actor....

!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square

Red Square

Red Square is a city square in Moscow, Russia. The square separates the Kremlin, the former royal citadel and currently the official residence of the President of Russia, from a historic merchant quarter known as Kitai-gorod...

 in Moscow

Moscow

Moscow is the capital, the most populous city, and the most populous federal subject of Russia. The city is a major political, economic, cultural, scientific, religious, financial, educational, and transportation centre of Russia and the continent...

 and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

• Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR? Both guarantee freedom of speech.

A: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.

• Q: Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world?

A: Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it's going to be tomorrow!

Political figures

Politicians form no stereotype as such in Russian culture. Instead, historical and contemporary Russian leaders are portrayed with emphasis on their own unique characteristics. At the same time, quite a few jokes about them are remakes of jokes about earlier generations of leaders.

• Vladimir Lenin
  Vladimir Lenin
  Vladimir Ilyich Lenin was a Russian Marxist revolutionary and communist politician who led the October Revolution of 1917. As leader of the Bolsheviks, he headed the Soviet state during its initial years , as it fought to establish control of Russia in the Russian Civil War and worked to create a...
  
  , Joseph Stalin
  Joseph Stalin
  Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin was the Premier of the Soviet Union from 6 May 1941 to 5 March 1953. He was among the Bolshevik revolutionaries who brought about the October Revolution and had held the position of first General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union's Central Committee...
  
  , Nikita Khrushchev
  Nikita Khrushchev
  Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev led the Soviet Union during part of the Cold War. He served as First Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union from 1953 to 1964, and as Chairman of the Council of Ministers, or Premier, from 1958 to 1964...
  
   and Leonid Brezhnev
  Leonid Brezhnev
  Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev  – 10 November 1982) was the General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union , presiding over the country from 1964 until his death in 1982. His eighteen-year term as General Secretary was second only to that of Joseph Stalin in...
  
   are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly the train stops. Lenin suggests: "Perhaps, we should call a subbotnik
  Subbotnik
  For the Jewish-identifying community, see Subbotniks.Subbotnik and voskresnik were days of volunteer work following the Bolshevik seizure of power. The tradition is continued in modern Russia and some other former Soviet Republics...
  
  , so that workers and peasants fix the problem." Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!" But the train doesn't start moving. Khrushchev then shouts, "Let's take the rails behind the train and use them to construct the tracks in the front".(A hint to Khrushchev's various reorganizations.) But it still doesn't move. Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!" (A hint to Brezhnev stagnation
  Brezhnev stagnation
  The Era of Stagnation, also known as Brezhnev stagnation or the Stagnation Period, refers to a period of economic stagnation under the rules of Leonid Brezhnev, Yuri Andropov and Konstantin Chernenko in the history of the Soviet Union which started in the mid-1970s.-Terminology:Various authors...
  
  .)

/*A common ending to this has Gorbachev saying "we were going the wrong way" and changing the direction, and Yeltsin riding the train off the rails and through a field.*/

Lenin

The jokes about Vladimir Lenin

Vladimir Lenin

Vladimir Ilyich Lenin was a Russian Marxist revolutionary and communist politician who led the October Revolution of 1917. As leader of the Bolsheviks, he headed the Soviet state during its initial years , as it fought to establish control of Russia in the Russian Civil War and worked to create a...

, leader of the Russian Revolution of 1917, typically made fun of the features of his character popularized by propaganda: kindness, love of children (Lenin never had children of his own), sharing nature, kind eyes, etc. Accordingly, in the jokes Lenin is often sneaky and hypocritical. A popular joke set-up is Lenin interacting with the head of the secret police, Felix Edmundovich Dzerzhinsky

Felix Edmundovich Dzerzhinsky

Felix Edmundovich Dzerzhinsky was a Communist revolutionary, famous as the first director of the Bolshevik secret police, the Cheka, known later by many names during the history of the Soviet Union...

 in the Smolny

Smolny

The Smolny Institute is a Palladian edifice in St Petersburg that has played a major part in the history of Russia.The building was commissioned from Giacomo Quarenghi by the Society for Education of Noble Maidens and constructed in 1806-08 to house the Smolny Institute for Noble Maidens,...

 Institute, seat of the revolutionary communist government in Petrograd, or with khodoki, peasants that came to see Lenin.

• During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny, wishing to file a petition. "We have even started eating the grass like horses," says one peasant. "Soon we will start neighing like horses!" "Come on! Don't worry!" says Lenin reassuringly. "We are drinking tea with honey here, and we are not buzzing like bees, are we?"

• (Concerning the omnipresent Lenin propaganda) A schoolteacher is leading her students through a park, and they see a baby hare. These are city kids, and have never seen a hare. "Do you know who this is?" asks the teacher. No one knows. "Come on kids", says the teacher trying to lead the children to the answer, "He's a character in many stories, songs and poems we always read." One student "figures it out," pats the hare and says reverently, "So *that's* what you're like, Grandpa Lenin!"

• An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky
  Leon Trotsky
  Leon Trotsky , born Lev Davidovich Bronshtein, was a Russian Marxist revolutionary and theorist, Soviet politician, and the founder and first leader of the Red Army....
  
  . One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin's in Poland."

Stalin

Jokes about Stalin are of morose, dark humour. Stalin's words told with a heavy Georgian accent.

• Stalin sits at a Soviet comedy movie's premiere. He happily laughs and smiles during the movie, but when the movie ends he suddenly asks, "Well, I liked the comedy. But why such a funny, however negative character has moustashes just like Comrade Stalin's?" Everyone nearby is shocked and has nothing to reply, Stalin then continues, "I propose to shot the actor..." (Pause) "...I propose to shot the director..." (Pause) "...I propose to shot all the filmmakers and their families' members!" Someone sheepishly replies: "But Comrade Stalin, what if he just will shave his moustashes off?" Stalin, "...Or such way!"

• Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed? " At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "That's me! Me!" Stalin then, "Bless you, Comrade!"

• Comrade Stalin goes to a football game. It gets cancelled at half-time. This is because he killed everyone.

• A secretary is standing outside the Kremlin when Marshal Zhukov leaves a meeting with Stalin and she hears him mutter under his breath, "murderous moustache!". She runs in to see Stalin and breathlessly reports, "I just heard Zhukov say "murderous moustache"!". Stalin dismisses the secretary and sends for Zhukov, who comes back in. "Whom did you have in mind with "murderous moustache"?" asks Stalin. "Why, Hitler, of course, Iosef Vissarionovich." Stalin thanks him and dismisses him, and calls the secretary back. "And whom did you think he was talking about?"

• Why was anthem of Soviet Union changed? Because the first words were "Stand up, all victims of oppression", and since it was the anthem, Stalin had to stand, which made him kill everyone.

• An old wench waited for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in. When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, "Finally, glory to God!" The driver said, "Mother, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade Stalin." "Excuse me, comrade," the woman said. "I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now on as you told me." After a while, she said, "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin dies?" "Oh, mother, then you shall say, "'Glory to God!"

• At a May Day parade, a very old Jew carries a slogan, "Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" The Party representative approaches the old man. "What's that? Are you deriding our Party? Everybody can see, when you were a child, comrade Stalin was not yet born!" "That's precisely what I'm grateful to him for!" the Jew said.

Khrushchev

Jokes about Khrushchev are often related to his attempts to reform the economy, especially to introduce maize

Maize

Maize known in many English-speaking countries as corn or mielie/mealie, is a grain domesticated by indigenous peoples in Mesoamerica in prehistoric times. The leafy stalk produces ears which contain seeds called kernels. Though technically a grain, maize kernels are used in cooking as a vegetable...

 (corn). He was even called kukuruznik

Kukuruznik

Kukuruznik is a Russian word derived from the word "kukuruza", maize. It was used as a nickname for the following.*Polikarpov Po-2, a utility aircraft used extensively in agriculture.*Antonov An-2, a purpose-built agricultural aircraft....

 (maizeman). Other jokes address crop failures due to mismanagement of the agriculture, his innovations in urban architecture, his confrontation with the US while importing US consumer goods, his promises to build communism in 20 years

Communism in 20 years

Communism in 20 years was a slogan put forth by Nikita Khrushchev at the 22nd Congress of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union in 1961.In his speech, Khrushchev promised that communism will be built "in the main" by 1980. His phrase "The current generation of Soviet people will live under...

, or just his baldness, and rude manners. Unlike other Soviet leaders, in jokes he is always harmless.

• Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture. "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," "Pigs around comrade Khrushchev," -- all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third from left - comrade Khrushchev."

• Why was Khrushchev deseated? Because of the Seven "C"s: Cult of personality, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother (In Russian this is the seven "K"s. To "show somebody Kuzka's mother" is a Russian idiom meaning "to give somebody a hard time". Khrushchev had used this phrase during a speech at the United Nations General Assembly
  United Nations General Assembly
  For two articles dealing with membership in the General Assembly, see:* General Assembly members* General Assembly observersThe United Nations General Assembly is one of the five principal organs of the United Nations and the only one in which all member nations have equal representation...
  
  , allegedly referring to the Tsar Bomba
  Tsar Bomba
  Tsar Bomba is the nickname for the AN602 hydrogen bomb, the most powerful nuclear weapon ever detonated. It was also referred to as Kuz'kina Mat , in this usage meaning "something that has not been seen before"....
  
   test over Novaya Zemlya
  Novaya Zemlya
  Novaya Zemlya , also known in Dutch as Nova Zembla and in Norwegian as , is an archipelago in the Arctic Ocean in the north of Russia and the extreme northeast of Europe, the easternmost point of Europe lying at Cape Flissingsky on the northern island...
  
  ).

Brezhnev

Leonid Brezhnev

Leonid Brezhnev

Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev  – 10 November 1982) was the General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union , presiding over the country from 1964 until his death in 1982. His eighteen-year term as General Secretary was second only to that of Joseph Stalin in...

 was depicted as dim-witted, suffering from dementia

Dementia

Dementia is a serious loss of cognitive ability in a previously unimpaired person, beyond what might be expected from normal aging...

, with delusion

Delusion

A delusion is a false belief held with absolute conviction despite superior evidence. Unlike hallucinations, delusions are always pathological...

 of grandeur.

• "Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." / "Heart again?" / "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal."
• At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!" -- applause. "O!" -- more applause. "O!" -- yet more applause. "O!" -- an ovation. "O!!!" -- the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, that's the Olympic rings
  Olympic symbols
  The Olympic symbols are icons, flags and symbols used by the International Olympic Committee to promote the Olympic Games. Some—such as the flame, fanfare, and theme—are more common during Olympic competition, but others, such as the flag, can be seen throughout the year.-Motto:The Olympic motto is...
  
  , you don't need to read it!"
• After a speech, Brezhnev confronts his speechwriter. "I asked for a 15-minute speech, but the one you gave me lasted 45 minutes!" The speechwriter replies: "I gave you three copies..."
• "Leonid Ilyich!..." / "Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me 'Ilyich' ". (Note: In Soviet parlance, "Ilyich" by itself by default refers to Vladimir Lenin
  Vladimir Lenin
  Vladimir Ilyich Lenin was a Russian Marxist revolutionary and communist politician who led the October Revolution of 1917. As leader of the Bolsheviks, he headed the Soviet state during its initial years , as it fought to establish control of Russia in the Russian Civil War and worked to create a...
  
  , and "Just call me 'Ilyich'" was a line from a well-known poem about Lenin, written by Mayakovsky
  Mayakovsky
  Vladimir Mayakovsky was a Russian poet and playwright, among the foremost representatives of early-20th century Russian Futurism.Mayakovsky or Mayakovskaya may also refer to:...
  
  .)
• Brezhnev sees a man carrying a watermelon while on a car ride on his way to home. He asks the driver to stop the car and approaches the man. He tells him that the watermelon is looking nice and asks him to sell it to him. The man replies "Sure, pick the one you want" and Brezhnev asks "How can I pick? There is only one". The man replies "Just how we elected you."
• Brezhnev makes a speech: "Everyone in the Politburo has dementia. Comrade Pelshe
  Arvids Pelše
  Arvīds Pelše ; , Iecava, Bauska District, Latvia – May 29, 1983, Moscow) was a politician and functionary in the Soviet Union, an historian in his profession- Career :...
  
   doesn't recognize himself: I say "Hello, comrade Pelshe", and he responds "Hello, Leonid Ilyich, but I'm not Pelshe." Comrade Gromyko
  Andrei Gromyko
  Andrei Andreyevich Gromyko was a Soviet statesman during the Cold War. He served as Minister of Foreign Affairs and as Chairman of the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet . Gromyko was responsible for many top decisions on Soviet foreign policy until he retired in 1987. In the West he was given the...
  
   is like a child - he's taken my rubber donkey from my desk. And during comrade Grechko's
  Andrei Grechko
  Andrei Antonovich Grechko was a Soviet general, Marshal of the Soviet Union and Minister of Defense.-Biography:Born in a small town near Rostov-on-Don, the son of Ukrainian peasants, he joined the Red Army in 1919, where he was a part of the legendary “Budyonny Cavalry”...
  
   funeral - by the way, why is he absent? - nobody but me invited a lady for a dance when the music started playing."
• TASS says: "Last night there was an earthquake in Moscow. Brezhnev's jacket fell on the floor." This one tells about Brezhnev's medals.

Quite a few jokes capitalized on the cliché used in Soviet speeches of the time: "dear Leonid Ilyich".

• The phone rings, Brezhnev picks up the phone: "Hello, this is dear Leonid Ilyich...".

Geriatric intermezzo

During Brezhnev's times, Communist Party leadership gradually became increasingly geriatric. By the time of his death, the median age of the Politburo

Politburo

Politburo , literally "Political Bureau [of the Central Committee]," is the executive committee for a number of communist political parties.-Marxist-Leninist states:...

 was 70.

Party General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev

Leonid Brezhnev

Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev  – 10 November 1982) was the General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union , presiding over the country from 1964 until his death in 1982. His eighteen-year term as General Secretary was second only to that of Joseph Stalin in...

 died in 1982. His successor, Yuri Andropov

Yuri Andropov

Yuri Vladimirovich Andropov was a Soviet politician and the General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union from 12 November 1982 until his death fifteen months later.-Early life:...

, died in 1984. His successor in turn, Konstantin Chernenko

Konstantin Chernenko

Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko was a Soviet politician and the fifth General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. He led the Soviet Union from 13 February 1984 until his death thirteen months later, on 10 March 1985...

, died in 1985. Russians took great interest in watching the new sport at the Kremlin: hearse

Hearse

A hearse is a funerary vehicle used to carry a coffin from a church or funeral home to a cemetery. In the funeral trade, hearses are often called funeral coaches.-History:...

 racing. Rabinovich said he did not have to buy tickets to the funerals as he had a subscription to these events. As Andropov's bad health became common knowledge (he was attached to a dialysis machine by the end), several jokes made the rounds:

• "Comrade Andropov is the most turned on man in Moscow!"
• "Why did Brezhnev go abroad, and Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet." (Reference to Brezhnev's pacemaker and Andropov's dialysis machine).
• "What is the main difference of succession under tsarist regime and under socialism?" "Under tsarist regime the power transferred from father to a son, and under socialism - from grandfather to grandfather." (A wordplay: 'grandfather' in Russian is traditionally used in a sense of 'old man')
• TASS
  Telegraph Agency of the Soviet Union
  The Telegraph Agency of the Soviet Union , was the central agency for collection and distribution of internal and international news for all Soviet newspapers, radio and television stations...
  
   communication: "Today, due to bad health and without regaining consciousness Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General" (the first part of the sentence is the common beginning of state leaders' obituaries)
• Another TASS communication: "Dear comrades, you're going to laugh, but the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, the entire Soviet nation, have again suffered a great loss.

Gorbachev

Mikhail Gorbachev was occasionally made fun of for his poor grammar, but perestroika-era jokes usually addressed his slogans and ineffective actions, his birth mark

Port-wine stain

A port-wine stain or naevus flammeus is a vascular anomaly consisting of superficial and deep dilated capillaries in the skin which produce a reddish to purplish discoloration of the skin. They are so called for their colour, resembling that of port wine...

, Raisa Gorbachev's poking her nose everywhere (much like Hillary Clinton jokes about her being the 42nd President of the USA), as well as Soviet-American relations.

• In a restaurant:

― Why are the meatball

Meatball

A meatball is made from an amount of ground meat rolled into a small ball, sometimes along with other ingredients, such as breadcrumbs, minced onion, spices, and possibly eggs...

s cube-shaped?

― Perestroika

Perestroika

Perestroika was a political movement within the Communist Party of the Soviet Union during 1980s, widely associated with the Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev...

! (restructuring)

― Why are they undercooked?

― Uskoreniye

Uskoreniye

Uskoreniye was a slogan and a policy announced by Communist Party General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev on April 20, 1985 at a Soviet Party Plenum, aimed at the acceleration of social and economical development of the Soviet Union...

! (acceleration)

― Why have they got a bite out of them?

― Gospriyomka! (state approval)

― Why are you telling me all this so brazenly?

― Glasnost

Glasnost

Glasnost was the policy of maximal publicity, openness, and transparency in the activities of all government institutions in the Soviet Union, together with freedom of information, introduced by Mikhail Gorbachev in the second half of the 1980s...

! (openness)

• A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store, however due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is excessively long, the man loses his nerve and screams "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now and I am going to kill him!" After 40 minutes the man returns, and begins elbowing his way back to his place in the vodka queue as the crowd looks on. They begin to ask if he succeeded in killing Gorbachev, to which the man replies: "No, I got to the Kremlin, but the line to kill Gorbachev was far too long, so I decided to come back and wait for my vodka"

KGB

Telling jokes about the KGB was thought to be like pulling the tail of a tiger.

• A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka
  Vodka
  Vodka , is a distilled beverage. It is composed primarily of water and ethanol with traces of impurities and flavorings. Vodka is made by the distillation of fermented substances such as grains, potatoes, or sometimes fruits....
  
   and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "Oh, the KGB has arrested them!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, well, they decided to let you go. Comrade Major liked your tea gag a lot."
• The KGB, the GIGN (or in some versions of the joke, the FBI) and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN (or FBI) goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Quite a few jokes and other comedy capitalized on the fact that Soviet citizens were under KGB surveillance even abroad.

• A quartet
  Quartet
  In music, a quartet is a method of instrumentation , used to perform a musical composition, and consisting of four parts.-Western art music:...
  
   of violin
  Violin
  The violin is a string instrument, usually with four strings tuned in perfect fifths. It is the smallest, highest-pitched member of the violin family of string instruments, which includes the viola and cello....
  
  ists returns from an international competition. One of them was honored with the possibility to play a Stradivarius
  Stradivarius
  The name Stradivarius is associated with violins built by members of the Stradivari family, particularly Antonio Stradivari. According to their reputation, the quality of their sound has defied attempts to explain or reproduce, though this belief is controversial...
  
   violin and cannot stop bragging about this. Another one grunts: "What's so special about that?". The first one thinks for a minute: "Let me put it in this way for you: just imagine you were given a chance to make a couple of shots from Dzerzhinsky
  Felix Edmundovich Dzerzhinsky
  Felix Edmundovich Dzerzhinsky was a Communist revolutionary, famous as the first director of the Bolshevik secret police, the Cheka, known later by many names during the history of the Soviet Union...
  
  's mauser
  Mauser C96
  The Mauser C96 is a semi-automatic pistol that was originally produced by German arms manufacturer Mauser from 1896 to 1937...
  
  ..."

• A knock knock joke about KGB. The "knocker" knocks on the "knockee"'s door (the joke receiver). The door answerer asks the questions "who is it". The knocker replies stating that he is the KGB, (knocker only says "KGB"). The answerer replies by saying "KGB who" as with all knock knock jokes. The knocker slaps the answerer before allowing the answerer to finish saying the previous line of "KGB who". Then the knocker yells "WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!" usually with a Russian accent (VE VULL ASK ZE QUESCHONS!) This joke capitalized on the fact that the KGB were known for violence and brutality against their own citizens for intelligence gathering. After the knocker replies that he is with the KGB and the fact that the answerer knowingly questions the KGB implies that that the answerer is showing arrogance to KGB (who is now presumably interrogating the answerer). Hence the knocker slaps the answerer.

• In a prison, two inmates share their experience. "What did they arrest you for?" one of them asks. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system requires replacement.' So, they gave me seven years."

• A frightened man came to the KGB "My talking parrot disappeared." "This is not our case. Go to the criminal police." "Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."

• The newly arrived Russian immigrant tried his best to answer the questions posed by the journalist: "How was life for you in Russia?" / "Couldn’t complain". "Did you like your job there?" / "Couldn’t complain". "And how was the schooling for your children?" / "Couldn't complain". "So, you were happy in Russia?" / "Couldn't complain". "Well, then," the journalist continued, "if you couldn't complain why have you come to Israel/USA?" / "Because here I can complain."

Everyday Soviet life

• Q: What is more useful — newspapers or television? A: Newspapers, of course. You cannot wrap herring
  Herring
  Herring is an oily fish of the genus Clupea, found in the shallow, temperate waters of the North Pacific and the North Atlantic oceans, including the Baltic Sea. Three species of Clupea are recognized. The main taxa, the Atlantic herring and the Pacific herring may each be divided into subspecies...
  
   in a TV. Alt. You cannot wipe yourself with a TV. (Refers to shortage of toilet paper in USSR, so newspapers were used instead.)

• We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us! [A joke that frequently did the rounds at factories and other places of state-funded labour.]

• Five precepts of the Soviet intelligentsia
  Intelligentsia
  The intelligentsia is a social class of people engaged in complex, mental and creative labor directed to the development and dissemination of culture, encompassing intellectuals and social groups close to them...
  
   (intellectuals): Do not think. If you think — do not speak. If you think and speak — do not write. If you think, speak and write — do not make sense. If you think, speak, write and make sense — don't be surprised.

• An old woman asks her granddaughter: "Granddaughter, please explain Communism to me. How will people live under it?" "They probably teach you all about it in school." "Of course they do, Granny. When Communism comes, the shops will be full — there'll be butter, and meat, and sausage . . . you'll be able to go and buy anything you want. . ." "Ah!" exclaimed the old woman joyously. "Just like under the Tsar!"

• Every morning a man would come up to the newspaper stand, and buy a copy of Pravda, look at the front page and then toss it angrily into the near-by bin. The newspaper-seller was intrigued. "Excuse me," he said to the man, "Every morning you buy a copy of Pravda from me and chuck it in the bin without even opening it. What do you buy it for?" "I'm only interested in the front page,' replied the man. 'I'm looking out for a death notice." "But you don't get death notices on the front page," said the newspaper-seller, taken aback. "I assure you, the death notice I'm looking for will be on the front page."

• On the occasion of the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution, a meeting of Party members is held in a village. The Chairman of the local Soviet gives a speech, "Dear comrades! Let's look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution. For example, here sits Maria. Who was she before? An illiterate peasant woman, she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known over the entire region. Or look at Ivan Andreev. He was the poorest man in this village, had no horse, no cow, and even no axe. And now? He is a tractor driver, and has two pairs of shoes! Or look at Trofim Semenovich Alekseev. He was a nasty hooligan, a lowest drunkard, a dirty gadabout. Nobody trusted him even with a snowdrift in wintertime, as he would steal anything his gaze fell upon. And now he's a Secretary of the Party Committee!"

Some jokes ridiculed the level of political indoctrination

Indoctrination

Indoctrination is the process of inculcating ideas, attitudes, cognitive strategies or a professional methodology . It is often distinguished from education by the fact that the indoctrinated person is expected not to question or critically examine the doctrine they have learned...

 in the educational system of the Soviet Union:

• "My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far."

Quite a few jokes poke fun at permanent shortages in various shops.

• A man walks into a shop and asks, "Don't you have any fish?", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop that is across the road!" [The Russian version is a subtle pun based on the fact that a sentence "You don't have fish?" (with interrogative intonation and extra accent on "don't") actually means "Do you have fish?" So, the original Russian dialog is less verbose: "You don't have fish?"- "We don't have meat: we are butchers. The fish shop across doesn't have fish."]
• An American man and a Soviet man died on the same day and went to Hell together. The Devil told them: "You may choose to enter two different types of Hells: the first is the American-style, where you may do anything you like, but at the condition of eating a bucketful of manure everyday; the second is the Soviet-style, where you may ALSO do anything you like, but at the condition of eating TWO bucketfuls of manure a day." The American man chose the American-style Hell, and the Soviet man chose the Soviet-style one. A few months later, they met again. The Soviet man asked the American man: "Hi, how are you going?" The American man said:＂I'm fine, but I can't stand the bucketful of manure everyday. How about you?" Answered the Soviet man: "Well, I'm fine, too; except I don't know whether if we had a shortage of manure or if anybody stole all the buckets away."

A subgenre of the above type of jokes target long sign-up queues for certain commodities

Consumer goods in the Soviet Union

The industry of the Soviet Union was usually divided into two major categories. Group A was "heavy industry," which included all goods that serve as an input required for the production of some other, final good...

, with the waiting time counted in years.

• "Dad, can I have the car
  Automobile
  An automobile, autocar, motor car or car is a wheeled motor vehicle used for transporting passengers, which also carries its own engine or motor...
  
   keys?" / "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"

• "I want to sign into the queue for a car. How long is it?" / "Ten years from today exactly" / "Morning or evening?" / "Why does it matter?" / "A plumber is due in the morning".

Post-Communist era

The Boris Yeltsin

Boris Yeltsin

Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin was the first President of the Russian Federation, serving from 1991 to 1999.Originally a supporter of Mikhail Gorbachev, Yeltsin emerged under the perestroika reforms as one of Gorbachev's most powerful political opponents. On 29 May 1990 he was elected the chairman of...

 era saw the revival of some old Brezhnev jokes, but again the focus was put on actual policies.

• When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress
  28th Congress of the CPSU
  28th Congress of the CPSU was held in Moscow. It was held a year ahead of the traditional schedule and turned out to be the last Communist Party of the Soviet Union congress in the history of the party....
  
  , people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,... honour, and conscience of our epoch". (A hint at a widespread propaganda slogan: "Party is Mind, Honour and Conscience of our Epoch")
• Yeltsin's aide approaches him and says, "Mister President, two guests are here to see you: the Pope
  Pope
  The Pope is the Bishop of Rome, a position that makes him the leader of the worldwide Catholic Church . In the Catholic Church, the Pope is regarded as the successor of Saint Peter, the Apostle...
  
  , and the director of the International Monetary Fund
  International Monetary Fund
  The International Monetary Fund is an organization of 187 countries, working to foster global monetary cooperation, secure financial stability, facilitate international trade, promote high employment and sustainable economic growth, and reduce poverty around the world...
  
  . Who shall I show in first?" Yeltsin thinks for a moment, then says: "Show in the Pope; at least I only have to kiss his ring."

External links

• 1001 Soviet political anecdotes in Wikisource
  Wikisource
  Wikisource is an online digital library of free content textual sources on a wiki, operated by the Wikimedia Foundation. Its aims are to host all forms of free text, in many languages, and translations. Originally conceived as an archive to store useful or important historical texts, it has...
  
  
• The biggest collection of Russian jokes
• Political jokes about Tzars