The Venture Bros. Quotations

The Venture Bros. is an animated cable television series created by Jackson Publick and written by Publick and Doc Hammer. It chronicles the adventures of two dopey teenage boys Hank and Dean, their mediocre "super-scientist" father (and former boy adventurer) Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture, and their secret-agent bodyguard Brock Samson.

The Terrible Secret of Turtle Bay

The Venture family travels to New York City, where Dr. Venture is presenting his newest invention to the United Nations. Meanwhile, they are pursued by The Monarch and a mysterious ninja named Otaku Senzuri

The Monarch: Dr. Venture's legendary scientific curiosity will naturally get the better of him. And when he immediately drills open the cosmic mystery, he'll get a face full of men! My men!! Loyal footsoldiers of my war on everything and deadly! Just like the monarch butterfly of my namesake.

Henchman: What? Butterflies aren't deadly.

(Dr. Venture and the boys run into the hanger. Brock is wrestling with a mummy.)

Brock: Stay back! Another one of those mummies got stuck in our landing gear.

Mummy: Who dares to desecrate the sacred tomb of- oof!

(Brock kicks the mummy in the groin and then proceeds to beat him as the mummy protests.)

Mummy: Ow! Hey, hey! Wait a minute. (Brock breaks the mummys arm.) There's no reason to - aarghhh! (Brock delivers a karate chop to the throat.) Oof! Ow, oh, hey!

Hank: Holy toledo, he ripped on him!

Dean: Way to give him a little chin music Brock!

Dr. Venture: Well that ought to take care of tha-

Dean: Look, Brock still ain't done with him!

(Brock unzips his pants and preceeds to urinate on the mummy.)

Hank: That's showing him who's boss, Brock-O!

Dr. Venture: Was that really necessary?

Brock: You have to defile a mummy completely or they'll come back to life. You know that.

Hank: Ma Venture didn't raise no fools!

Dean: W-we don't have a mom, Hank.

(long, awkward pause)

Dean: Last one to the hanger's a rotten banana!

Hank: You're a rotten banana!

The Monarch: You see, just like the flawless monarch butterfly from which I take my name, The Monarch has many ways to sting.

Cabbie: (weakly) Monarchs... don't sting...

(Senzuri has just been discovered next to the Ooh ray)

General: He wasn't trying to steal it, he was masturbating like a teenager with a fast internet connection.

Hank: (puzzled) Mastur... what?

Dean: (equally puzzled) Like an evil master plan?

Prostitute: Okay big fella, you first. I charge you ten bucks for the gilded lily, twenty for the Roman holiday, fifty for the old Walrus 'n' Carpenter,and for seventy-five you can sleigh ride down Kilimanjaro.

UN Guard:Sir I'm going to have to ask you to turn in your weapon.

Brock: (growls furiously) Go ahead. (gives a horrible grin) Take it from me.

(Guard looks back to other guard, who shakes his head in absolute fear)

Dia de Los Dangerous!

While in Mexico, where Dr. Venture is giving a lecture, the Venture family crosses paths with The Monarch, who believes that they are there to foil his latest plan.

Mexican University Administrator: ...your check, Dr. Venture. Muchas gracias.

Dr. Venture: Super good! Very generous of y-oh, pesos. Great. These zeros are all meaningless.

Dr. Guevara: I am sorry, Señor Venture.

Dr. Venture: Doctor.

Dr. Guevara: Sí?

Dr. Venture: No, ‘Doctor Venture'. What's Mexican for ‘doctor'?

Dr. Guevara: Doctor.

Dr. Guevara: I realize I am a Tijuana doctor, but even we have scruples. I could lose my license to practice…Mexican medicine.

Hank and Dean: Dad!

Dean: We knew you wouldn't let us down.

Hank: And just in the nick of time too - Monarch was gettin' all 'creepy uncle' on us.

Hank: (trying to pick a lock) Double dammit!

Dean: Hank, you said the double-d word!

Dr. Venture: (after being attacked by a frightening green creature) What the hell was that?

Brock: Chupacabra. They're all over Mexico.

Brock: How long can you live if you're not hooked up to him?

Dr. Venture: Oh, I dunno...a couple of hours? But they'd be awfully uncomf-- (Brock yanks out the tubes connecting Doc to H.E.L.P.eR.) GAH!

Hank: This place is tits!

Hank: Well, sure. H.E.L.P.eR. looks like a dried-out turd on a bad stretch of road.

Hank: What's your problem with our dad anyway?!

The Monarch: (awkwardly) Well, I- he- he's my nemesis. My archenemy.

Dean: I don't think pop thinks you're his archenemy.

The Monarch: Come on, I'm sure the walls of the Venture Compound are practically caked with the lingering curses of the Monarch's name.

Dean: Uhh, no. I've never even heard him mention you.

Hank: Yeah, I always thought Baron Ünderbheit was dad's arch-enemy.

The Monarch: (astounded) Ünderbheit!?! Why, that dime-store Doctor Doom isn't fit to -- just you wait til your father calls me back!!

Brock: You get the boys. I'll take care of these guys.

Dr. Venture: Are you sure? There's an awful lot of them.

Brock: (left eye twitching) They hit me with a truck.

[after his henchmen have kidnapped the Venture boys and brought them back to the lair]

The Monarch: But see, that's what I'm talking about! Now Venture'll send Samson after the rest of us, and he'll go totally sickhouse on our asses. I LIKE my ass, gentlemen.

Careers in Science

The Venture family must travel to space to repair an orbiting space station that Dr. Venture's father built in the 1970s, but a mysterious space phantom could be haunting the station! Things get even more intense as Brock's presence adds heat to an already tense romantic relationship between the station's two officers.

Hank and Dean: He started it!

Dr. Venture: No, I started it years ago in a moment of passion! And I'll end it the same way right here in front of Brock, H.E.L.P.eR., and God!

(Brock is piloting the Ventures' ship, which is shaped like a penis, into Gargantua-1's docking bay)

Lt. Baldavitch: Let's take this slow. It's my first time.

Brock: I'll be gentle. Now where do you want this hot rocket?

Lt. Baldavitch: Wow! That's a big one. Now, ease it in... good, just like that.

Dr. Venture: Uugh, ay-yi... uugh, Brock, can we speed this up? I really need to go number one, I'm serious.

Lt. Baldavitch: That's it! Keep going. Slow... slow... YES! That's it!

Brock: That's a tight fit.

Lt. Baldavitch: (sighs) It's like they were made for each other.

Dr. Venture: (annoyed) Yes, because they were, because they were both made by the same guy. Now can we finish this up please?

Brock: I'm almost there, brace yourself because it's gonna be... (trails off)

Dr. Venture: Oh, come on!

Dr. Venture: Oh sweet mercy, tell me these suits have a collection pouch.

Dean: It's on!

Hank: It's off!

Dean: It's on!

Hank: It's off!

Dean: It's on!

Hank: It's off!

Dean: It's on!

Hank: Off!

Dean: It's on!

Hank: It's off!

Dean: It's on!

Hank: Off!

Dean: It's on!

Dr. Venture: That's called 'blinking', boys...

(after being rescued from being in space without a spacesuit)

Brock: Gonna...go...lay down...for a...second...

Brock: Oh yeah, the pain. It's not so bad. I hacked up some blood a couple of minutes ago and there was this pink chunk about the size of, uh... one of those little kiwifruit, but I don't feel anything missing, so I'm not too worried.

Hank and Dean: Phantom Space Man!

Col. Manstrong: So.. h-how was he?

Lt. Baldavich: How was who?

Col. Manstrong: Oh, come on! I shook his hand, it's all fat and stubby! He must have like a huge mushroom down there! So...does he have a Smurf living in it or what?

Lt. Baldavich: I don't have to take this!

Col. Manstrong: That's because you already took it ... in the lap. From ... not me!

Home Insecurity

When Brock goes on sabbatical, two of Dr. Venture's enemies clash over who gets the honor of killing him.

Brock: Bionic, huh? Let's see how bionic. (he kicks Summers in the testicles)

Steve Summers: (in agony) Ooof... right in my Cape Canaverals!

Brock: Wait a minute - I know you too. You're Steve Summers, astronaut.

Steve Summers: Former astronaut.

Brock: I thought you died.

Summers: That's what everyone was meant to think, though I was barely alive after my test ship broke up, but the army saved me. They spent six million dollars to give me all new bionic parts. Made me stronger, better, faster then I was. Then you know what they did? They put me to work! They expected me to pay it all back! Do you have any idea how long six million bucks takes to pay off on a government salary!?

Brock: You could've told me Sasquatch was a dude...

Steve Summers: Eh? What, you couldn't tell?

Brock: Not until I had to.. (shudder) ...shave him.

Summers: What are you, shy? Sasquatch doesn't have anything you haven't seen before.

Brock: (angrily) Sasquatch IS something I haven't seen before!

#24: When they closed the plant, there weren't a lot of jobs for me. All I got's a GED. It was either this or the army.

Ünderbheit henchman: In Ünderland, all citizens are required to serve in his lordship's infantry from the ages of 12 to 37. At 38, we are executed.

Random Monarch henchman: When I met the Monarch, I was hooked on crack cocaine. I get in all kinds of trouble. Monarch turned my life around. How 'bout you, why'd you join up?

#21: You guys kidnapped me when I was 15.

Hank: But Pop, you're bleeding!

Dr. Venture: Uh? Oh, this. Uh, no, it's fairly common for some men to lactate involuntarily in situations of extreme stress.

Hank: (pointing to Dean's wet pajama bottoms) Dean's lactating too!

Dr. Venture: Right now, G.U.A.R.D.O. doesn't know you or me from a squad of Snake People hopped up on PCP.

Hank: H.E.L.P.eR.'s done it.

Hank and Dean: Go Team H.E.L.P.eR.!

Hank: Yeah, but did you get the first aid kit?

Dr. Venture: I don't need first aid, Hank, I need you to stop choking me and hitting me with fire extinguishers.

The Monarch: (tastes a cup of soda and spits) What is this, diet? Why did you get diet?

Dr. Girlfriend: I didn't.

The Monarch: Taste this, then! (shoves the cup into Girlfriend's face)

Dr. Girlfriend: Okay, I might have grabbed the wrong bottle at the supermarket.

The Monarch: How do you do that!? How can you not tell the difference?! God, it's like having my Dad do the shopping!

The Monarch: Venture and I have been engaged in a deadly game of cat and also-cat for years!

Dr. Venture: What the hell are you smiling about?

Hank: (dreamily) Brock said I'm the man of the house while he's gone.

Dr. Venture: (annoyed) Oh, so you think you're a big man now, huh?

Hank: (uneasily) Uh, no... sir?

(Doctor Venture puts up his dukes and steps menacingly close to Hank)

Dr. Venture: Think you can take your old dad, huh? I knew this day would come! Go ahead, big man, take your best shot!

Hank: What... what do you mean, pop?

Dean: No! Stop it, you two! This family's tearing itself apart! (begins to cry)

Dr. Venture: You proud of yourself, big man? Look what you're doing to your poor brother.

Soldier 1: Who was that?

Soldier 2: Brock fucking Samson!

Soldier 1: No way! Dibs on his cigarette butt!

The Incredible Mr. Brisby

The Venture family steps into the middle of a suburban conflict when amusement park millionaire Roy Brisby presents Dr. Venture with a business proposal.

Hank: Dude, look! Elephants!

Dean: That's... (rummages through box of wildlife cards) "Loxodonta africana." You can tell which ones are the males because they're the only ones with tusks.

Hank: I got no problem tellin' which one's the male, bro. Check out the fifth leg on that beast!

Dean: It's called a "trunk."

Hank: It's called "you're a spaz", and that ain't what I'm talkin' about.

Hank: What are you, on the rag?

Dr. Venture: (exasperated) It's impossible for me to be on the rag, I'm a ... I can't believe I'm even arguing about this with you! What men's room did you pick up that kind of trash talk in? (the boys point at Brock, who shrugs)

Brisby: Welcome, Dr. Venture... to the funnest place on Earth! (he turns toward Venture, revealing his partially paralyzed face)

Dr. Venture: (horrified) Holy dammit Christmas!

Brisby: Does my appearance startle you, Dr. Venture?

Dr. Venture: (struggling to regain his composure) No, not at all. I -- as a man of science, I see all... kinds of things.

Brisby: Now that we've exchanged pleasantries and hot panda milk, Dr. Venture, let's talk business. I want you to clone me.

Dr. Venture: (caught off-guard) Cloning? (unconvincingly) I... wouldn't know anything about that, seeing as Congress has banned all cloning research in North America.

Dr. Venture: I- that's it! The deal is off! I don't care if you are rich, I don't have to take this crap from a gimp!

Dean: I spy a... um... (shuffling through cards) huh. I don't have a card for that one.

Hank: If you don't knock it off with the wildlife cards already, you're going to be spying my foot up your wow-hole, Dean. Seriously.

Dr. Venture: Brock? Thank God! His freakin' panda's trained to put me in a bag!

Dr. Venture: (resentfully) Your panda broke my glasses.

Brisby: We'll replace them at once. We have many glasses here. We have everything you need.

Dr. Venture: Where the hell is "here?"

Brisby: Your home for the time being. (dramatically) Welcome, Dr. Venture... to the Brisby-dome!

Venture: This is that ridiculous giant beehive next door to your study, isn't it? You knocked me out and put me in a bag to bring me fifty yards?!?

Dr. Venture: Ooohh! Ah ha ha, now I see. You know, it took me a minute, but I just got it.

Brisby: Got it? So you'll come aboard?

Dr. Venture: Oh, no no no. What I just got is that you're like a total jacked up freaky-deaky crazy pants!

Molotov Cocktease: You KILLED my FATHER!

Brock Samson: After you killed my partner.

Molotov: You took my EYE!

Brock: After you took...my heart.

(They pause, awkwardly, and kiss)

Molotov: NYET! You know I can only go to second base!

Brock: Still?! Urrrgh! I thought the cold war was OVER!

Molotov: It's always cold in Siberia.

Brock: (Lighting two cigarettes, then smoking both at the same time) You want one of these? (Throws Molotov the pack, she lights one and smokes sexily)

Brock: GARRRRRRR! (Stabs his knife into the mattress and stands up with a giant erection) I gotta go take care of something.

Brock: Boys, you don't want to shoot me. You know me. You know what I'll do to you if you do.

Eeney, Meeney, Miney... Magic!

With some help from their new neighbors, Dr. Venture and the boys try to rescue Brock from one of Dr. Venture's inventions.

Dr. Venture: My son has it in his head that you were in our house last night and you... killed our robot.

Dr. Orpheus: The seed of your loins is quite astute. I saved your mechanical man from certain damnation. For his frail, electronic eyes had gazed upon the impenetrable! He was an unwilling beholder to the impossible!

Dr. Orpheus: By the crimson shame of Lord Valishinda, I command you...OPENNNNNNNNNN!!

Dr. Orpheus: It craves... purity... it devours... purity... it seems to be... What the hell is this thing made out of?

Dr. Venture: Nothing.

Dr. Orpheus: Come on...

Dr. Venture: Alright fine, I might have used a few unorthodox parts.

Dr. Orpheus: Just tell me one!

Dr. Venture: An... (mumbles)

Dr. Orpheus: An what?

Dr. Venture: An... orphan.

Dr. Orpheus: Did you say... an orphan!?

Dr. Venture: Yeah... a little.. orphan boy..

Dr. Orpheus: It's powered by a forsaken child!?

Dr. Venture: Might be... kind of... I mean, I didn't use the whole thing!

Hank: Dean that's great and I can't wait to hear all about it, only Brock's stuck inside Dad's thing that makes people happy. But it's all evil.

Dean: I dare you to make less sense.

Hank: I was on the floor and I heard everything! And I have a plan!

Triana Orpheus: So how come I never see you at school?

Dean: (with a hint of fear) I'm kind of home tutored in a box my pop made, (looks down with a more frightened tone) it sometimes gets very hot... in the box my pop made.

Triana: Wow. That's, um... that's screwy. (notices his face, which has gone blank) Oh crap, did I upset you?

Dean: (blankly) Penguins have a gland above their eyes that converts seawater to freshwater.

Dr. Orpheus: (note to Triana, recorded on answering machine) Greetings, pumpkin, I am at Mr. Venture's lab... to right that which is wrong and to repair the torn curtain OF TIME ITSELF!! There are four puddings in the fridge. You may enjoy the contents of one of them. Dinner at six.

Hank: So what super-cool adventure are we goin' on today? Should I get my SCUBA gear?

Brock: We're not goin' anywhere. Your father's workin' on this...thing.

Hank: SCUBA. SCUBA. SCUBA SCUBA SCUBA SCUBA SCUBA. Say SCUBA.

Brock: SCUBA.

Hank: SCUBA. It sounds funny. SCUBA.

Brock: SCUBA. Yeah it does.

Dean: Hank and I just woke up on the floor. We were playing Ouija, and a guy hypnotized us.

Dr. Venture: Dean...

Dean: With his magical Dracula powers.

Dr. Venture: Dean, I'm going to turn around now, and you'd better be on fire. You're standing there in flames, and the only person who can put you out is me, because that is the only conceivable reason that you would wake me up like this!

(Hank is rooting through Brock's tape collection)

Hank: What's this one?

Brock: "In Through The Out Door".

Hank: Can I put it on?

Brock: Rather you didn't, Hank. Zep sold out on that one. Besides...I've got memories attached to that record.

Hank: Is it because you were fighting a whole bunch of ninjas while it was playing, and so it reminds you of ninjas?

Brock: No, Hank...

Hank: How about frogmen? Does it remind you of frogmen?

Brock: IT'S A WOMAN, ALRIGHT?!? ...The only woman I ever loved. Are you happy now, Hank?

Hank: (pouty voice) No...because you snapped at me.

Brock: You're alright, Hank. You know that? You're alright.

Dr. Venture: Heeey, if I pull this candle down, will it...?

Dr. Orpheus: ...get wax on my carpet? Yes.

Dean: Is your name Pumpkin?

Triana: No, it's Triana. Doesn't your dad have a nickname for you?

Dean: Well, I've heard him call me 'Dave' or 'Don' a few times, but I don't think they're nicknames.

Triana: Who's that big guy who's always washing his car in front of your place?

Dean: Oh, that's Brock. He's my dad's bodyguard. One time I saw him kill a guy with a sock full of party snaps!

Triana: (facetiously) Did the guy's head get blown off?

Dean: (proudly) Yes it did.

Dr. Orpheus: (in typically melodramatic tones) Evil has struck the House of Venture! The air reeks of an ill wind! Yea, though I have smelt it, that hath dealt it!

Hank: Morning, Brock. [Brock grabs him by the throat and lifts him off the ground, sees who it is and drops him]

Brock: Hank? You all right?

Hank: [hoarsely] I will be.

Brock: You gotta stop sneaking up on me.

Hank: I just wanted to tell you [coughs] H.E.L.P.E.R.'s broken. Uh, Brock?

Brock: Yeah?

Hank: [still holding his throat] Is it okay if I cry?

Brock: Nice rescue, boys. You saved me from the only woman I've ever loved... with a hat that smells like a men's room... and we're still here.

Dr. Venture: (outside the bathroom with robe and towel) Dean, what the hell are you doing in there? I need to take a shower!

Dean: I'm practicing being a boyfriend, Pop!

Dr. Venture: (sidling away, horrified) Uh, never mind, Dean.

Ghosts of the Sargasso

Dr. Venture attempts to find one of his father's abandoned inventions on the sea floor, while a gang of fake ghost pirates board the ship.

Dean: Dad is super serious all of a sudden. Do you really think he's in as much danger as he says he is?

Brock: Oh yeah, he's screwed. I give him about an hour before he panics and begs for us to haul him up.

Dr. Venture: Okay, guys, I can hear all this!

Dr. Venture, Sr.: Ground control to Major Tom, your circuits dead, is something wrong?

(as Brock beats up the fake ghost pirate)

Pirate 1: Oh crap, he's getting his ass kicked, let's go save him!

Pirate 2: You crazy? My sword's made of cardboard.

Pirate Captain: Hey is that guy dead?

Brock: Yeah, probably.

Pirate Captain: You're not a very good liar, Dean, are you?

Dean: Maybe...

Hank: Brock, if pirates really exist, I mean, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy could even be real, right? It's like, all bets are off!

Brock: Hank, nobody ever said pirates don't exist.

Hank: So you agree with me that this is impossible.

Brock: Hank, if there was ever a time in your life I needed you not to be Hank, it's now.

Hank: Uh, sorry, Brock.

Brock: Focus, Hank! Whatever you do, don't light a cigarette. A good sniper can see a hot cherry for miles.

Hank: Brock, I don't smoke!

Brock: Good. Now's a lousy time to start.

(Brock is chained up, and talking to Hank through his communicator watch)

Brock: After the twist, you'll hear a snap. Then the body goes ragdoll on ya.

Hank: And that will knock him out...even more?

Brock: That'll kill him.

Hank: Do I have to?

Brock: Alright fine, crybaby. Just tie him up and, maybe I guess gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees.

Jeanie: Tom, it's your wife, sweety. You're dead now – it's time to go.

[Dr. Ventures has just encountered the ghost of Major Tom]

Dr. Venture: [shivering under a blanket] His eyes! Crazy eyes! Accusing me!

[a pirate hands him a warm drink]

Dr. Venture: Who are you?

Hank: Alright Brock, I know this sounds crazy, but just hear him out.

Pirate Captain: Guuhhm. Can we have a ride home?

Brock: What?

Dean: Noooo. Do it like you said you were gonna.

Pirate Captain: (sigh) I'm really, really sorry about this whole mess, and, you know, the whole pirate thing is behind me now, and... plus, you kinda killed Steve, and burnt my ship. So, if you could give us a lift out of here I figure we'd just call it squaresies.

Brock: (sigh) Alright.

Hank and Dean: Go team Venture!

(the pirate captain looks at Brock)

Brock: I don't know, they just do that.

Pirate Captain: (having mistaken Brock for Dr. Venture) Your dad has a bodyguard? Why would your dad need a bodyguard? The guy's a tank.

Dr. Orpheus: Do you have a pen?

Hank: To use as a magic wand?

Dr. Orpheus: To use...as a pen, Hank.

Dr. Venture: (recording an entry in his journal) Oh yeah, I lost my locator, and yes, I realize the irony of that.

Dr. Venture: Cancel the abort code! Re-bort!

Brock: Now, I want you to put your hand around your throat, Hank.

Hank: Uhh...alright.

Brock: That tube you feel is your trachea. Think of that as a handle. Your thumb is on your carotid artery, that's your button. Now remember, grab the handle, push the button. Repeat that back.

Hank: (gasping) Grab the handle, push the...

Brock: Let go of your own throat, Hank.

Pirate 1: We need that key that starts your boat Mr. Big Stuff. Lets have it.

Brock: It's up my ass!

Pirate 2: Are you serious?

Brock: Why dont you check.

Pirate 2: (looks at his partner) Well? Check.

Pirate 1: What if he's lying?

Pirate 2: If he were telling the truth, that would be better?

Ice Station – Impossible!

Dr. Venture begins a new job working for his former professor, while Brock encounters an old friend who has a deadly warning.

Pete White: It's like wearing nothing at all. Like a second skin.

Dr. Venture: Ummm, you've got a little something brown on your nose.

Dean: Hey Brock, I think I figured out why the plane crashed: There were skeletons driving it! (points to the charred remains of the pilots)

Hank: Cool! I'm not going to explode anymore. And plus - free invisible mom.

Hank and Dean: Go Team Venture!

Prof. Richard Impossible: There's a reason Ned's boots have velcro instead of laces, honey.

Brock: (examining Race) Race Bannon... those bastards killed him!

Hank: Those kids? Damnit! We let 'em go!

(to the boys' disgust, Race Bannon's corpse expels a final, prolonged flatus)

Brock: Yeah... they never show that part on TV.

Dr. Venture: (stranded in the Arctic) If this is about what I saw, I won't tell anyone!

Prof. Impossible: (stretches himself to the flying car and flies off) I know!

Dr. Venture: (after being stranded in the Arctic by Prof. Impossible) ...I CHEATED ON MY DAMN MID-TERMS!

Hank: Brock, I've thought a lot about it and if we can't get the antidote in time and it comes down to it, I... well, I want you to be the one to kill me.

Brock: Don't talk like that Hank, we're gonna find...

Hank: PROMISE ME, Brock!

Brock: Okay.

Hank: Promise?

Brock: Yes, I promise.

Hank: Super-swear?

Brock: (growing annoyed) YES, Hank.

Hank: (after a brief pause) Hey, Brock?

Brock: Yeah?

Hank: How would you do it?

Brock: (without hesitation) You're asleep, quick jerk of the neck, never feel a thing.

Hank: You've thought about this.

Brock: Yes, I have.

(his jumpsuit having fallen apart, Dr. Venture is wandering naked through the snow)

Dr. Venture: Oh, great, Venture! Thousands of square miles of empty arctic wasteland and you somehow manage to step in the one spot of yellow snow!

(Prof. Impossible has drawn a weapon to shoot Hank)

Master Billy Quizboy: Professor, no offense, but that's just crazy! Violence isn't the answer. This is a think tank; we're the most powerful minds on the planet! Let's act like it!

Pete White: Billy's right. We can create an antidote if we work together!

Prof. Impossible: (pauses for a second to contemplate) Nah, my way's safer.

Mid-Life Chrysalis

Dr. Venture is determined to reinvigorate his social life, and Brock finds out that he must renew his license to kill.

Dr. Venture: Crap, who am I kidding? My looks are going down the toilet faster than an unwanted pregnancy on prom night.

Dr. Venture: Well, I guess this is goodbye. I'll always remember these last few days as the happiest of my life. Besides the caterpillar part, I mean.

Agent Tester: Well, let's see here Mr. Samson. On the driving portion you totaled every car but the one you were driving. On the pistol range you refused to use a gun, and, oh, ha, here's my favorite, on the written you drew the little guy with wings from the Led Zeppelin records.

Brock: Icarus. So, uh, what are trying to tell me here, little man, that you don't like Zep? [Tester stands and rips the written portion in half]

Agent Tester: My father is General Trayster. You saved his life. The man spoke of you as a god. [pause] And you did not disappoint.

Brock: Oh yeah. I used to babysit you.

Dean: Hear that? I'm in charge. I think it's just about little Hanky's bed time.

Hank: Oh, take a bow. [Hits him in the crotch]

Bartender: [To Brock] You got it, ape-drape. [Brock growls] One bud for captain mullet head. [Brock begins to draw his knife]

Bartender: [as Brock leaves] Leavin' us so soon, hockey hair? [Brock represses a scream because he isn't allowed to kill him]

Agent Tester: This test will, uh, test your proficency with firearms, so-

Brock: Uh uh. No guns.

Agent Tester: The nine millimeter glock is standard issue to all agents in the field. You're required-

Brock: Guns are for sissies.

Hank and Dean: Hey Brock!

Brock: Go to bed. [walks past the door dejectedly, then walks back in] Why would you dress like that? [Dean is in his underwear with a number of socks wrapped around his head]

Hank: Dean lost a bet, and now he's my slave, and he's refusing a direct order!

Brock: Never welch on a bet, Dean. You be a man. Drink it. [Hank is offering some green liquid with various substances floating in it] Then go to bed. You're father's gonna be... coming... [leaves mumbling dejectedly]

Dean: Brock looks like hell.

Hank: Drink it.

Dr. Venture: No. No no no. Bad H.E.L.P.E.R. We don't do that. [H.E.L.P.eR is eating test tubes] Do not eat test tubes! Come here! [H.E.L.P.E.R. backs away] I'm not playing games here. [A hole burns through H.E.L.P.eR's stomach] Aw, you don't feel well? Well what did you expect, mixing acids and bases there.

Dr. Venture: So I said "listen, my Dad invented UNIVAC, so I think I would know!" Well, that uppity T.A. didn't give me any more trouble the rest of the semester.

Dr. Girlfriend: [forces a laugh] You dog, you.

Hank: [hands Brock a tiny lunchbox] I packed a lunch for you. Bologna and cheese. And cut the crusts off the way I like.

Dean: And I downloaded a bunch of crib notes into your communicator watch. You get stuck on one of the hard questions, you just check what time it is.

Dr. Venture: What you are about to see is a nightmare, inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka!

(he emerges from under the sheets)

Hank: Holy crap! What happened?

Dr. Venture: Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God's eye, and he blinked.

Dean: No worries, Brock. I'll walk you through the written portion. Question 1: You're in Prague. A sniper's in the window above you. There's an alligator behind you, and a grizzly bear in front of you. What do you do? Do you-

Brock: Back somersault, pry off the alligator's jaw, use it as a boomerang to take out the sniper. When he falls out the window, the grizzly'll go straight for the easier meal.

Dean: Uh... the answer's C.

[Brock is doing push ups, Hank steps on his back]

Hank: You're nothing! You're weak! Why do you even wanna be a secret agent, boy? You think you're good enough?

Brock: [stops] Hank, seriously, you know when I get my license back I can kill you.

Hank: Oh. [Hurriedly removes his foot] Sorry, Brock.

Brock: [He eyes a glass of raw eggs that Hank has given him] Did you spit in this?

Hank: Don't eyeball me, Samson! Drink it!

[Hank and Dean are wearing girlie exercise outfits]

Hank: Come on Brock, you need strong cardio-vascular training!

Brock: [pause] No.

Dr. Venture: You don't need a license for operation "Get Me Some".

The Monarch: Tell him you're going out with the girls tonight or something, I don't care!

Dr. Girlfriend: He's not buying it.

The Monarch: Ooo! Tell him you think it's moving too fast.

(a stripper performs for Brock and Dr. Venture)

Dr. Venture: Quick, Brock, what do I do?

Brock: Give her a fivespot.

(Venture clumsily puts the bill into the stripper's thong but fumbles for change)

Hank: (gives Brock a glass of raw eggs) When I'm through with you, you're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!

Dean: Looks more like he's gonna eat eggs and crap....eggs.

Dean: Don't worry, Brock. You'll be able to kill guys again in no time!

Brock: Little worried about that hickey, Doc. [Dr. Venture's is halfway covered in swelling redness]

Dr. Venture: Oh, Brock. I'm not falling in love!

Brock: That's not what I-

Dr. Venture: And what would be wrong with that if I was? The boys need a new mommy. Rusty needs a new mommy.

Hank: We don't even know who our old mommy was.

Dr. Venture: Oh, that's right. I've never told you about her. Well, it's a sad- [horn honks outside] Well, that'll be Charlene! Gotta run, boys!

Dr. Venture: Oh, you're back! You didn't miss much. Oh, one of them [the strippers] was dressed like a cheerleader and said she was 19, but she had a Caesarean scar and her face had more lines on it than a mirror at Studio 54.

Dean: Well, I scored your sample test, Brock. Well, you did better than Hank did, but let's just say you'll have to do awfully well on the physical portion.

Hank: No problem. Training begins now! [takes Brock's dinner and gives him a glass of eggs] Your ass is mine, Samson!

Dr. Venture: Grandpa. How dare they? I'm only 43. I'm still a young man. Maybe a little frayed around the edges, but who wouldn't be between my work and raising two boys?

Bartender: Hey, if it isn't Frankenmullet. What can I do you for? [Brock slaps his new liscense to kill on the bar. The bartender turns, looks at it, and Brock launches over the bar at him]

Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean

The Monarch has the Venture family right where he wants them, but a sudden medical emergency delays his wrath.

(Brock, Hank, Dean, and Dr. Venture are hanging over the Amazon River)

Brock: Take your time, Monarch, because the minute you finish your little speech, I'm going to kill you.

The Monarch: What are you, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Just look at you shmucks, I don't think I'm the one in danger here, considering the sad fact that right below you flows the mighty Amazon, teeming with the most gruesome fish to ever--

Hank: The piranha.

The Monarch: No.

Hank: The shark?

The Monarch: No!

Hank: (pause) The piranha?

The Monarch: NO!! And shut up! This isn't a quiz.

The Monarch: Below you swims the dreaded Candiru, a naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man's urethra!

Dr. Venture: Did you lift anything heavy?

Dean: (in extreme pain) I told you, it's not a hernia.

Dr. Venture: Were you roughhousing with your brother?

Dean: Nooo.

Dr. Venture: (suddenly, in horror) Oh dear god... You two haven't been... experimenting with inappropriate touching-

Dean: No! Gross!

Dr. Venture: I know you've been seeing a lot of that little tramp who lives next door. Lord knows what kind of diseases that hussy carries.

Dean: (groans, still in acute testicular pain) It's getting worse!

Dr. Venture: Dean, I don't want you hanging around with Triana Orpheus any more. I don't approve of the way she dresses! Girls like that are usually on the dope. (gasps) Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum?! You can tell me! - I'm hip!

Dean: Daa-ad!! Why are you doing this?! I don't know what I did!! Suddenly it just felt like someone kicked me in the rocks, and- and they never took their foot away!

Dr. Venture: Alright Dean, you're going to have to pull down your pants. I have to palpate the region.

Dean: Please dad! Please, please, please don't feel me up!

Dr. Venture: I'm going to palpate, Dean. This isn't any fun for me either. Do you want me to get H.E.L.P.eR. to do it? Is that better for you? A doddering old robot with cold, steel claws. Is that what you want?

Dean: Ahhhuh!! I want a doctor!!

The Monarch: Dr. Girlfriend, would you come over here with me for a minute.

Dr. Girlfriend: (oblivious to the situation) Oh I guess the muscular one is alright, but the boy is just going too far. Can't we just use the puppet again?

Dean: I don't want to show my junk to a little boy.

#24: Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs.

#21: Oh my God, you're crazy! They're so obviously mammals!

24: Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.
21: Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a fucking beard! They're mammals!

Dr. Venture: What happens if we wait?

Master Billy Quizboy: That's not so good. My guess is that in a couple of hours, your son's testes are going to die, then atrophy.

Pete White: Think raisin, or better yet, you know when you're eating peanuts, and you crack one open and the little nut is all dark and crammed into one corner...

Master Billy Quizboy: You're finished, right? As for untwisting them, I don't know which way they spun.

Pete White: Unless you're that guy from INXS and that's, like, your thing, the pain would be excruciating.

Dean: Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under the pillow for the tooth fairy!

Hank: Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?

Dr. Venture: Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.

24: Boss, there's a monster down here!
21: I think it was two ninjas taped together to make one giant ninja!
24: I saw it climb the wall, it was a giant spider!

The Monarch: Hank. Hank! I am your real father!

Hank: No way. No way, that's not true!

The Monarch: Psyche!! Ha, sucker! You were all (mimicking) "Oh daddy, you're my daddy!" You are so gullible! What is that like?!

(Hank is looking at a list of supervillains in a Guild of Calamitous Intent handbook)

The Monarch: Well, look under M, for (shakes fist, intimidating glare) MONARCH!!

Hank: Nope, don't see you there.

The Monarch: Really? Well, look under T, for (same fist-shaking and intimidating glare) THE MONARCH!!

Hank: Hey, I had to sleep in my clothes. Now I feel gross wearing them two days in a row!

The Monarch: You're kidding me, right? That's the only outfit I've ever seen you in!

Hank: Well, that doesn't mean I never wash it.

The Monarch: Fair enough. Number 27! Get the kid a change of clothes! (Looking at Brock) How 'bout you? You ok?

Brock: I didn't sleep in my clothes.

The Monarch: 27! Burn his sheets!

Brock: You scream, I'll break your neck, you understand me? (Dr. Girlfriend nods, and Brock takes his hand from her mouth)

Dr. Girlfriend: You're going to take advantage of me, aren't you? (removes the bedsheets to reveal herself in lingerie) Well, be quick with it!

Brock: To be honest with you, I never really considered that.

Dr. Girlfriend: Why not?

Brock: Just didn't.

Dr. Girlfriend: (obviously disappointed) Well, I'm not gonna beg.

Brock: Why haven't you tried the world domination thing? You scared of the big leagues?

The Monarch: Please, how stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts and the Republicans, thank you.

Tag Sale – You're it!

To raise cash, Dr. Venture holds a yard sale to sell old inventions made by both him and his father.

Mr. One: Gentlemen, this is quite possibly the hottest situation most of you will be involved with. If any of you have any fears about death, any second thoughts about that beautiful new wife of yours screwing every guy you hate because you left her a widow, now is your chance to leave.

Dr. Orpheus: Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you... wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move.

Dr. Venture: You're kidding, right?

Dr. Orpheus: It just seems so romantic.

#21: Here is where you are wrong, my friend. This woman has killed before.

#24: Allegedly.

21: Okay, whatever. But she was a big girl. We are talking about a large, healthy woman of questionable stability.
24: Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor.

The Monarch: Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fist-fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden.

The Monarch: With every fiber of my being I stab at thee, as long as blood flows through this heart I will hunt you down. I will be the stuff of your children's nightmares.

Dr. Venture: What's he doing now?

Dean: He's making his dramatic exit.

Dr. Venture: (sigh) This could take all night, I'm gonna get Brock.

Hank: I think he's almost done.

The Monarch: And then, when nothing can be heard but your cries of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you. Mark my words: I will have my revenge, DR. VENTURE!

Dr. Girlfriend: Sweetie, isn't that the guy from Depeche Mode?

The Monarch: Oh no, wait, where? Holy crap, he's with a girl!

Dr. Girlfriend: Oh yeah, that guy is totally straight. I saw a whole thing about him on the VH1.

The Monarch: But he's the guy from Depeche Mode. That's impossible!

Dr. Girlfriend: Straight!

The Monarch: Come on! He's in Depeche Mode!

Mr. One: (indicating Brock to the rest of the team) This is Team Leader. His every whim is your command. If he tells you to put on a dress and dance... I'd better see those moneymakers shakin! Am I understood?

Brock: You have some dangerous machinery for sale here. I think you're begging for trouble on this one.

Dr. Venture: I thought you handled all that. And I don't hear any ideas from you on how to get some quick cash. C'mon, most of this stuff is old crap my dad left behind.

Brock: (exasperated) DOC! You have a table over there with a sign that says "laser death ray bargain bin"!

Dr. Venture: (dismissively) Well, that's why you have your little ska band there, to keep the oddballs in costumes from raising Cain.

The Monarch: (needing to go to the bathroom) Oooh...I need to make a desposit at the bank, so to speak.

(Dr. Orpheus wordlessly approaches The Monarch, slaps him across the face, and magically sets his shoes on fire)

The Monarch: (shocked, stamping out the fire) You dick!

Dr. Orpheus: Doctor Orpheus did this! To exact proper retribution, (he produces a business card with a flourish) you can find me at this address! (as an afterthought) Nights only.

The Monarch: What? What did I do?

(The Intangible Fancy, an ethereal, ghost-like villain, appears behind The Monarch)

The Intangible Fancy: When the sun sleeps... the wolves begin to howl.

The Monarch: (bewildered) What the hell is going on here? Did somebody put a sign on my back or something?

The Monarch: (after using the Venture household restroom) I'm not going to flush. Let them see the wrath of the Monarch!

The Monarch: (finally inside Dr. Venture's laboratory) My god, look at this place. It's like a museum of failure.

Dr. Girlfriend: It's almost depressing.

The Monarch: Here I am, in the belly of the beast, and I don't even care. (indicating a gadget nearby) I don't even feel like taking a whiz on this. I used to DREAM of taking a whiz on this!

Dr. Girlfriend: So I guess...we're not gonna...

The Monarch: What can I do to this guy that life hasn't already? I almost feel sorry for him.

Past Tense

Dr. Venture and Brock are kidnapped while attending a funeral, and the boys turn to the original Team Venture for help.

Dr. Venture: Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?

Dr. Venture: Is my tie on straight?

Brock: Yeah, you can't really mess up a clip-on.

(Venture just revealed that, in college...)

Hank: Wait! You lived with BROCK?? That is so unbelievably cool!

Dean: No wonder you guys are such super pals!

(Brock just sits expressionlessly)

Dr. Venture: Actually... back then we didn't see much of each other...

(dorm flashback: Venture is laying awake in his bunk. Brock's bunk above his is squeaking, bouncing up and down furiously, accompanied by Brock grunting rhythmically and a young woman moaning)

Dr. Venture: We had very different schedules... always coming and going... at... different times...

Pete White: Wait, tell 'em who really won the roommate lottery.

Dr. Venture: Oh, God, don't remind me.

Pete White: Okay, so the university sticks me with this exchange student, (switch to college) but check it out, he's, like, a prince or something. His parents sent him a care package last week for his birthday. You know what he got? A personal slave. The poor guy sleeps in my closet. Speak of the dickweed. Hey, Werner.

Dean: Baron Ünderbheit!!!

Pete White: (back to present) You told 'em?

Dean: No, Baron Ünderbheit is right there!

Hank: Holy crap! Brock, kick his butt!

Brock: Relax, boys, he's not gonna do anything. It's hallowed ground.

Hank: So what was he (Baron Ünderbheit) like in the olden days?

Pete White: Well, except for the metal jaw, pretty much the same—total dick.

(College, after Ünderbheit leaves)

Dr. Venture: Who cuts his hair, the Incredible Hulk?

Pete White: What, did his walk into the barbershop and say, "what can you do to make me look more like Pete Rose?"

Mike Sorayama: Hey, what's wrong with his hair? I have, like, the same haircut.

Dr. Venture: Yeah, but you're Chinese, your people can't be blamed for what your hair does.

Mike Sorayama: I'm Japanese, jerk-off. But, ja, that's so true. At least I don't have his eyebrows.

Dr. Venture: You wanna see eyebrows, come to my Creative Writing class. There's this kid, no joke, they're out to here, and the weirdness doesn't stop there. All he writes are these way-too-specific poems about monarch butterflies. Total closet case!

Hank: (present) Okay, this is getting nuts. You're not gonna tell me that you went to college with the Monarch too! Where did you guys go, Super Crazy No-Way School?!

Col. Gentleman: Careful Lad. Those hands of his are strong enough to crush a boulder. Yet delicate enough to crush a butterfly.

Brock: You made Leslie Cohen robots? Jeez.

Sorayama: Yeah, I think I did a pretty good job.

Pete White: Sure, but why would you do that, fella?

Baron Underbheit: To have sex with, Pete. I think that obvious. The man was obsessed with her in college

Rusty: So? He was obsessed with Coco from Fame the year before.

Pete White: (on the radio): You're listening to the White Room. I'm your host, the evah-populah Pete White. This next one's a dedication to Leslie Cohen from her little buddy Mike Sorayama. And he writes "Leslie, I masturbate furiously to your picture every night. Please notice me. Love, Mike."

Brock: You did this. You did this, didn't you? (he attempts to charge Ünderbheit, nearly strangling Venture)

Baron Ünderbheit: (sarcastically) As usual, your detective skills are impeccable, Samson. You succeeded in exposing my sinister plan to lock myself in a dungeon, chained to an albino.

Dr. Orpheus: (grabbing Action Man's hands and concentrating for a moment) Two years, seventeen days.

Action Man: What?

Dr. Orpheus: From a stroke. GOOD DAY!

Col. Gentleman: Despite his racial handicap, Kano here is a crackerjack pilot.

Pete White: Oh for Pete's -- for my sake!

(Action Man farts)

College Student: (after a brief pause) Dude, you beefed.

Dr. Venture: Oh, come on! You're gonna kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life?

(the group looks at Sorayama's corpse)

Brock: Huh. So he really did die.

Dr. Venture: What, he programmed his robots to hate us too?

Brock: (shrugs) I guess.

Venture: Well, that makes about as much sense as anything else today. So what do you say we get out of here before he starts to stink?

Brock: (in flashback, packing up his belongings and talking to a sullenly quiet Thaddeus Venture) Sorry, man, I don't know what came over me. Anyway, they cut my scholarship, so I'm outta here. Gonna join the army. (he pauses in the doorway, causing Venture to cower abjectly) Oh, yeah. Someone from, uhhh... "Venture Industries" called while you were at the infirmary. Your dad died. Later.

The Trial of the Monarch

The Monarch is finally on trial, though it may be for a crime that he didn't actually commit.

Statue of Olee Jemeema: Oooooh! My arm came off! I can't believe that happened!

The Monarch: While you were wasting your time castrating a priceless artifact, I was systematically feeding babies.... to hungry mutated puppies!

Watch: Sovereign, many of our operatives are in place. We await your orders.

Sovereign: Good, Good... Let us proceed to stage five.

Watch: It shall be done.

Watch: (turning to Ward) Great, way to make me look like a tool! What are you doing back there?

Ward: Have you seen my juice-box?

Watch: Oh, that was yours? I thought that--

Ward: Great. Thanks. Why did I even bother putting my initials on it?

Dean: Saliva is nature's glue.

Hank: And raisins are nature's candy!

Dr. Orpheus: Do not be too hasty entering that room. I had TACO BELL FOR LUNCH!! Expert witness, Dr. Byron Orpheus has arrived.

Hank: (examining the bathroom door from which Orpheus emerged) The hair's gone! A clue!

Dean: It was Dr. O the whole time. I wonder what that means?

Brock: It means Dr. Orpheus had to take a dump. So... nice job. Case closed.

Dr. Venture: If I knew you could just call the police on him, I'd have done it years ago! Because I'm no sissy, no sir. I'd just pick up the phone and... "Officer, there's a man in a butterfly suit shooting my robot with a laser beam."

Brock: The police keep out of the way of the Guild for the most part. Who do you think supplied them with new cruisers last year?

Dr. Venture: My tax dollars, for one.

Dean: Santa Claus, for two.

Phantom Limb: Control, delay order. We've lost full containment. I repeat, delay order.

Watch: Copy on delay. We are on standby.

Ward: Knew it.

Watch: I thought you went to the can.

Ward: I did. I'm back.

Watch: That was, like, ten seconds ago. What, are you pissing in the corner?

Brock: No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.

Hank: And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.

Brock: Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.

Dean: It's weird, right?

Brock: It's like he channels dead crazy people.

Hank: You think it's a cry for help?

(Hank and Dean are saying 'Mech-Shiva' repeatedly in the background)

The Monarch: Wait a minute! That's insane! They're total liars. I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read Sanskrit, and when Hank said he wanted a piece of him, I was like 'Fine. Whatever.', but Mecha-Shiva? No way! They are so lying, I'm innocent!

The Monarch: Well, Hank, what's it like to be a... liar. Huh? You like being a liar with pants constantly on fire?

Tiny Attorney: Objection, your honor, leading.

The Monarch: I'll rephrase that: Hank, are you a liar?

Hank: No sir, I don't think so.

The Monarch: Yes you are!

Dean: You're the liar!

The Monarch: And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.

Dr. Orpheus: How sweet, a Bible. Well, if you don't mind sir, I have book of my own for this little ritual.

(he pulls out the Necronomicon. Dr. Venture slaps himself on the head)

Dr. Orpheus: Keep your fingers clear of its mouth, he's a nibbler.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you ... whoever.

Dr. Orpheus: I SWEAR IT!

Tiny Attorney: Dr. Orpheus, could you tell the court what it is that you do? You're a type of magician?

Dr. Venture: Oooo, they have no idea what they're in for.

Dr. Orpheus: Well, if you must call me that, yes. But if you are after mere parlor tricks you will be sorely disappointed, for if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out, BUT YOUR VERY SOUL!

Dr. Venture: (imitating a lounge singer) Good night ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great crowd.

Judge: You're on thin ice, but do you get off the ice? No, you jump up and down like a lunatic having a..a conniption fit. Now if it was up to me, you'd have been in chains an hour ago. But this is a trial by jury and it's up to your peers...

The Monarch: Peers?

Judge: (cont'd) ...to decide this.

The Monarch: PEERS?! How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? NO WAY! A list of my peers would read as follows: Flying Squid and Tigeriffic; Truckules; Lord Mostly-Magic; King Fantastic Outfit; Fee Waybill of the Tubes; SuicideGirl Teagan; Bill "Superfoot" Wallace; Happy-Go-Clucky and Swiss Misstery; Chaka Igloo; and my 8th grade earth science teacher Mr. Tringe! Oh... and Bizarro Oscar Wilde as an alternate.

The Monarch: This all started soon after 'The Flight of the Monarch' was published. A mean little tell-all-book filled with nothing but lies and pictures of also lies.

(flashback to The Monarch's floating cocoon)

The Monarch: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

#24: A book?

The Monarch: No, but you would think it was right? You can read it like a book, here I'll show you: (reading) '...riffling through his pockets for change, the Monarch accidentally launches a sodium-pentathol tipped dart deep into his own thigh. Upon hearing a girlish symphony of shrill wails, a waitress comes to his aid...'

24: Told you!

#21: You told me he wouldn't find out.

24: You're such a dick! You put his face on the cover!

The Monarch: (still reading) 'there she was subjected to a lecture concerning her weight problem and the evils of over... plucking her eyebrows.' Oh, it's almost exactly like a book. There's even some pictures, here's one of me at Danceteria making out with Stiv Bators and Lydia Lunch. (closes book) But this is not a book, this is a suicide note. Good news! The euthanasia will be carried out by me. The author has twenty minutes to seek my aid before I just KILL all of you. You'll find me in my room... crying!

Dr. Girlfriend: (examining her old outfit during a flashback) What are these hard chunks?

Phantom Limb: (momentarily panicked, then smoothly recovering) My... tears.

The Monarch: (back in the courtroom, present day) Tears?? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick deformed slob was... (shudders) You know he was pounding his invisible meat all over...

Dr. Venture: That's it! Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk!

Judge: Sustained. I want that last bit stricken from the record. (under his breath) And my mind.

The Monarch: Okay, then who haven't you slept with? I'm sure that's a shorter list.

Dr. Girlfriend: Oh you are insane!

The Monarch: I'm insane? I'm insane?! Look at these! There's a picture of you in Monstroso's lap.

Dr. Girlfriend: That was a party. Look at his lap, it's huge. There's, like, five of us on it.

The Monarch: Yeah, right. And here's one of you skinny-dipping with Jim Foetus!

Dr. Girlfriend: Let me see that, I don't remember...

The Monarch: And there's a whole collage of you and Phantom Limb!

Dr. Girlfriend: All right, fine! I used to work for him, so what?

The Monarch: Holy crap! (holds book sideways, unraveling a fold-out) Look at your costume! What, did Frank Frazetta design it for you?! It's tiny! I can see your...dirty pillows!

Dr. Girlfriend: I am leaving! If you can't calm down, I'm leaving.

The Monarch: You can't leave, I'm throwing you out! Get out of my cocoon, you WHORE!!!

Brock: This place is crawling with Strangers.

Hank: You can't expect to know everybody, Brock.

Tiny Attorney: So. Mind readin'. Fascinatin' Could you read the mind of, for instance, the Monarch?

The Monarch: Objection: No way!

Judge: Th-th-th-this is most unorthodox.

Dr. Venture: Unorthodox? The defendant's in a crown for God's sake!

Tiny Attorney: I myself am growing from the torso of an inbred simpleton.

Dr. Orpheus: Hug me!

The Monarch: Fine. Whatever gets you off, man. Just don't go for the reach-around, because The Monarch doesn't swing that way.

The Monarch: (drunkenly addressing a cop) Look, Officer Poncherello... the second in command just left me. So why don't you get your big, fat Tom of Finland ass back on your big gay bike and go home?? This is none of your beeswax!!

Return to Spider-Skull Island

Dr. Venture is rushed to the hospital to have a tumor removed, but the boys mistake his ailment for a pregnancy and decide to run away. After the operation, strange things begin to happen, including the accidental deaths of Hank and Dean Venture.

The Monarch: Look, you two, I'm dying in here. Have you heard anything from Dr. Girlfriend?

#21: We've been calling her every hour, and we keep getting her machine.

The Monarch: Did you try the cellular phone?

#24: Yeah, we followed your instructions to the letter. It's just that...

The Monarch: Have you destroyed the giant cocoon headquarters?

21: Not yet.

The Monarch: Have you sent the charred remains of Wonderboy to his beloved Captain Sunshine?

21: Yes.

The Monarch: Rewound and returned the director's cut of Working Girl?

24: We tried, but..

The Monarch: Unleashed the herpes-smeared sexbots upon the traitorous members of the Guild?

21: Yep.

The Monarch: Filled Phantom Limb's garage with clingy, static-charged Stryrofoam packing peanuts?

24: No.

The Monarch: Sent apology letters to each of my sponsored Ugandan foster children?

21: Check!

The Monarch: Have you... KILLED THE VENTURE BROTHERS?!

Dean: I'll be sleeping in a room right next to Triana. And then she'll hear, like, thunder or something, and she'll run into my room all scared and stuff. And I'll be like, "Hush, my darling. It's just ionized air molecules expanding." And she'll be like, "Oh, hold me." And then I'll, like...

Hank: Dude! If we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr. Orpheus's kids. And that means Triana will be your sister. And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.

Dr. Orpheus: Pumpkin, get me my cloak!

Triana Orpheus: Why don't you wear the ...

Dr. Orpheus: Oh fine. GET ME MY BLUE WINDBREAKER!

Waitress: What can I get you?

Dr. Orpheus: Well, you see, I made this purchase of a homeboy from your vending machine.

Dr. Orpheus: Consider this your final warning. You do not know the risk you are taking. For a whisper from my lips can open your mind to a world of arcane tortures!

The Monarch: You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're really cold diarrhea in a dixie cup!

The Monarch: You - get up! I SAID GET THE FUCK UP! What's your name?

Dean: Dean Ven...

The Monarch: YOUR NAME IS BITCH! And I own you. YOU'RE PROPERTY! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame - King Gorilla, you got a cigarette? There, I just sold you for a cigarette, and I don't smoke! (pause) Holy shit, you're Dean fucking Venture! King, I gotta buy my bitch back, here's your cigarette.

King Gorilla: Fuck you, gimme a dollar!

The Monarch: What are you boys doing in the bighouse?

Dean: Well, our dad had a baby, so we ran away.

Hank: And then we got arrested for not speeding enough.

The Monarch: You shouldn't even be alive!

Dean: Huh?

The Monarch: I put out a hit on you...super sorry. But, you know, I'm in mother-fucking prison here. My life is fucked.

The Monarch: You boys don't wanna end up in here, this place is full of fucking animals. (Hank opens his mouth) I don't mean King Gorilla, Hank. I mean this place will chew you up and spit you out. (Hank opens his mouth again) No, I'm not talking about Mecha-Mouth, Hank.

Dean: (sighs) This was a big mistake.

The Monarch: Fuckin'-A right! This is all wrong, you boys are the fucking Venture brothers. You've had your little adventure, now go the hell home.

Hank: Fuck that shit!

Dean: Hank Venture! What is wrong with you!? You're changing into an extra-bad person! Do you even know how many baby angels you just killed by saying that?!

Hank: Oh by glory! You're right! What's happening to us. We searched for freedom, and it landed us in jail.

Dean: I bet dad's worried sick. And Brock. He loves ya, Hank, I just know it.

The Monarch: Oh, this is just gay. Look, I gotta get back to yelling at regular kids, alright?

Dr. Venture: What else do you want? Do you want Dean? You could have Dean. He could carry you around on his back, like Master Blaster.

Waitress: What'll it be, sugar?

Dr. Orpheus: Your sugar flask appears to be filled. Yet your concern is noted; now please, step to the side.

Dr. Orpheus: A mere whisper from my Lips could open your minds to a World of ARCANE TORTURES!

Ignorant Redneck: Ffffff...faggit.

Dr. Orpheus: Don't touch that. For within that Homeboy figurine reside the souls of TWO FOULMOUTHED REDNECKS!!!

(after the boys have been shot to death)

Dr. Venture: All right... get their clothes.

Doctor: Sorry, medical personnel only.

Brock: I go where he goes.

Doctor: Oh... you must be his "partner" then?

Brock: No, it's more like I work for him...WAIT A MINUTE - NO!!

Dr. Venture: What would I do without you?

Brock: (nonchalantly) You'd be dead.

Dr. Venture: (sarcastically) I want a second opinion! Oh, wait, I'm a doctor! I can give myself one! You suck, and I'm leaving!

Random Guy: This is totally gay.

The Monarch: What'd you say? You think this is gay, huh? Is that what you said, you scrawny piece of shit? Oh, this isn't gay! But King Gorilla over there is, and I'll bet he can't wait to break off a piece of your dick in his ass! (King Gorilla makes kissing lips)

Powerless in the Face of Death

Life goes on after the tragic deaths of Hank and Dean in this Season Two opener. Meanwhile, the Monarch deals with life "inside."

Jonas Venture Jr.: But we're the Venture Brothers! Shouldn't we work Together?

Dr. Venture: Unh. What does it take to get rid of you, you parasite? Tweezers and a match? I gave you life, I gave you half my stuff, I gave you the X2 for God's sake, what more do you want?! My blood? Here! Take it! Take my blood! [bends over, pointing his rear towards Jonas Jr.] or better yet, Just climb right on back inside me! [pats rear] Go on! Jump back in there! Come on!

Jonas Venture Jr.: [sighs] Fine. Never mind. Just let me get my stuff from the lab and I'll go.

Dr. Venture: 'The lab'? Try my lab.

Jonas Venture Jr.: Yours, mine. what does it matter? We're the Venture Brothers!

Dr. Venture: Oh, wow, you're so generous with my things.

Young Hector: This Aztec calendar says today is your lucky day!

Swifty: (Mumbling) I used to be pretty. Yeah but not no more, look at my nose...

The Monarch: Hey! Hey! Are you raping me?!

King Gorilla: No... well, I was gonna.

The Monarch: Gonna?! What the fuck, King?!

King Gorilla: I couldn't get it up.

The Monarch: AGH! [Holds hands to ears] Lalalalalalala...

King Gorilla: You're built too much like a girl! I couldn't get into it.

The Monarch: [stops 'la' -ing] What... What a... this isn't even my cell! What'd you do, take me to your place?

King Gorilla: Well I got porn here... it helps.

The Monarch: AAGH! [Puts hands back to ears as he leaves the cell] Lalalalalalala...

Dr. Orpheus: But I am, by trade, a necromancer! Do you know what that means?

Brock: You have sex with dead people?

Dr. Orpheus: phile! Necrophile!

Dr. Orpheus: (on whether he actually saw the boys) Saw them!? I made them a fucking MILKSHAKE!

Brock: (asked to put the immature clones back into their "incubators") I hate touching them, they feel like giant Stretch Armstrongs.

Dr. Venture: Look, if you have a clumsy child, you make him wear a helmet. If you have death-prone children, you keep a few clones of them in your lab.

Dr. Orpheus (talking to Triana about raising the dead): Don't worry pumpkin, daddy does this all the time! Evel Knievel, David Blaine, both daddy's clients. As was Ronald Reagan, until he bounced a check.

Dr. Venture: [To Half-Formed Corpse] Hank! You are never to call your father a crumb-bum in front of company!

Dr. Orpheus: No shower for Byron Orpheus!

Dr. Orpheus: (to Triana) Now don't touch anything. You could accidentally make the cat huge...or something.

King Gorilla: You and your Guild can go screw. Ten years of payin' dues and what do they do to keep me out of here when I got caught!?!

Phantom Limb: Oh, what could we do? You eviscerated and sodomized Vince Neil on national television.

King Gorilla: Hey, I only sodomized half of him! They wanted The Surreal Life, K.G. GAVE it to them!

Dr. Orpheus: Slow down. What about the zombies?

Dr. Venture: Oh, I call those "clone slugs" — grew those years ago from nail clippings, I think. Anyway, after the slugs have been activated, that machine...

Dr. Orpheus: Purgatory.

Dr. Venture: Whatever. That computer feeds all their nocturnally recorded memory synapses.

Dr. Orpheus: Their memories, hopes, and dreams. Their immortal souls!

Dr. Venture: You're killing me with that crap; just let me finish. That computer feeds synaptic data to their incubation beds; that information is supplemented with basic knowledge that my dad recorded for me so I didn't have to go to school; and that is why I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24.

Dr. Orpheus: That is awful!

Dr. Venture: Well, you didn't see her. It was horrific.

Dr. Orpheus: Who is your grief counselor? Mother Teresa?

The Monarch: Et tu, King Gorilla?

Dr. Orpheus: Wait, perhaps you can help. From your helmet I can charge you have been here long enough--

Buried-Soul Head1: Yes pilgrim, I, in life, was a personal guard to the great Caesar.

Buried-Soul Head2: Nuh uh. Liar. You choked on a popsicle stick at a Halloween party.

Buried-Soul Head1: Oh tell everyone why don't ya--

Buried-Soul Head2: Everybody knows. Why do ya think you're in hell? 'Cause ya fuckin lie.

[Dr. Orpheus is standing in a ring of candles with a shovel]

Triana: ...What're you doing?

Dr. Orpheus: I like digging. Can't a man walk through his house with a shovel without an inquisition?

Hate Floats

Things return to normal in the lives of the Ventures. The Monarch confronts Dr. Girlfriend in a mall food court while his new henchmen stumble upon the Venture family shopping.

#21: Are you the bully of your school? Or the victim of bullying? Do you watch movies about costumed heroes and think, "Wow, that guy's a pussy. I sure hope a much cooler bad guy kicks his ass."?

#24: (unconvincingly) Wow, it's like you were reading my mind.

21: I am not a mind reader, stranger. You, like so many others, are drawn to this sexy, action-packed lifestyle of the professional henchman.
24: But I could never be a henchman. I am just a normal guy who is between the age of 18 and 30. A loner who lacks ties to friends and family.
21: You, stranger, are the perfect candidate for costumed aggression.

Gang Member 1: Yo, fat boy. You get to carry a piece?

21: But of course. Your standard Grade One henchman in service of the mighty Monarch is issued a dart gun and a grappling cannon to name only a few of the exciting accoutrements that will aid the henchman in his wonderous world of career henching.

Gang Member 2: Hey, what kind of ride we get?

21: How does an enormous flying cocoon sound to you?
24: Wow, a flying cocoon. I can already feel my life getting better!

Dean: I look like Santa's magic janitor.

Dean: Don't say it.

Hank: You look like the Mayor of Candy Land.

The Monarch: SHIT! Mall cops! Henchmen, retreat!

24: We were following orders! You can't yell at us for following orders.
21: Or kill us for following orders.

24: Henchman 28! Front and center!
28: You want me, you roll your big ass over here. And I done told you, my name is Number One!

The Monarch: There's just so many buttons... so... so many buttons!

Phantom Limb: I have removed the bullet. And three others, a blowgun dart, two shark's teeth, a tip of a bayonet, a twisted paperclip, and a meager handful of buckshot. You may want to learn how to duck.

Brock: Not even a scar? Did you look around the nipple, or belly button? Sometimes they- they put 'em in through there.

Phantom Limb: Look, she is all woman. I have explored every supple inch of her and have found nothing but nectar.

Brock: All right, fine. Maybe the Monarch's just better equipped.

Phantom Limb: [Referring to their Firearms] You are strapping on an ultra-light gyropack. They are only issued to top ranking Guild officials.

Brock: No, I mean better... equipped.

Phantom Limb: She was kidnapped, alright?! Kid. Napped.

Brock: Ehh, I'm just sayin'.

24: Gentlemen, choose your weapons.
24: Is this them?
21: 'Are these they.'
24: Who talks like that?

The Monarch: Let me through, I'm the leader here, I'll distribute the... wha. (uneasy pause) Are these they?

[The Arsenal turns out to be simply a crude collection of fan memorabilia]

The Monarch: You fucking idiot! What the hell are we supposed to do with this crap? Make them laugh so hard they blow malt liquor out of their noses?

Dr. Venture: No, I think you'll have that covered when you storm the room in butterfly costumes.

The Monarch: Oh, ha ha ha. Nice onesie, dick. Does it have snaps in the back so you can make poopie?

24: Whoa!! Snap! No he didn't!

Dr. Venture: This is a speed-suit, mister, not a onesie!

The Monarch: Fine. Maybe they’ll think you’re a three-year old with progeria and take pity on us!

Dr. Venture: What am I supposed to do with these, tell their fortunes?

21: They are Magic: The Gathering cards, not Tarot cards. You can toss them at their heads. Well, you catch a corner with one of those and they'll know what hit them.

Dean: Mommy, how do you know where to go?

Dr. Girlfriend: I'm not your mommy! And I put a tracer on the Monarch when we were first dating- HANK, take this right!

Hank: I'm driving! I'm a driver!

Dean & Dr. Girlfriend: (in unison) We know!

Dr. Girlfriend: Yeah, tracer. You do stuff like that when you date super villains.

Dean: Where'd you put it? Is it in his brain? Or is it like a secret tracer tooth?

Dr. Girlfriend: No, I hid it in my mouth and I jammed it up his- (smirking) Honey, like I said, you do some pretty strange things when you date super villains.

Phantom Limb: Oh yes, apart from 'Behold-the-Giant-Walking-Death-Ray' speech, the 'Welcome-To-Hell' speech is my favorite.

Phantom Limb: You told me you never put a tracer on another man!

Phantom Limb: [To Dr. Girlfriend] He's only a man...and no man can resist your charms.

Brock: Pfff...'No man'. I'm still looking for the scars on her.

[The Limb shoots him with a Tranquiliser Dart]

Phantom Limb: [Defensively] What? I'm a supervillain.

Hank: Who are all these people?

Dean: Are they all mommy's other boyfriends?

Dr. Girlfriend: Stop calling me your fucking mommy!

The Monarch: (to his new henchmen) Who gave you real guns?

Assassinanny 911

When Brock is reactivated by the Office of Secret Intelligence to track down a rogue agent, he subcontracts his ex-girlfriend, the malevolent mercenary Molotov Cocktease, to protect the Venture Compound from enemies within and without.

Brock: You Colonel Gathers?

Hunter: (sounding like Hunter S. Thompson) What! Oh no you don't! (tackles Brock and sits on his chest, holding a knife to his throat) What do you want from me? Who sent you, you bastard?

Brock: Personnel! Special Agent-in-Training Brock Samson reporting for duty.

Hunter: Don't you salute me, you bastard! (stabs Brock's hand with a knife)

Brock: Ow!

Hunter: Leave that Little John-John crap back in Biloxi.

Brock: Yes sir!

Hunter: And don't sir me, damn you! You're not in the Marines anymore. This is intelligence. Start using it.

Brock: Okay, Colonel... uuh...

Hunter: Call me Hunter. Now let me get a good look at you. Good god! They're making 'em big now a days. Don't they know there's a gas crunch on?. Look at the size of you. (reads file) Samson, Brock. Born Omaha, Nebraska to a single mother. Half Swedish, quarter Polish, quarter Winnebago. You lost your virginity at fourteen, have one brother and you enjoy Motocross. (burns file with cigarette) The Brock Samson you knew and were is dead. Happy birthday, Frankenstein! You're O.S.I.'s baby now. Are you prepared to do whatever your country asks of you?

Brock: Yes.

Hunter: Can you keep your head about you when you're confronted with mind-blowing weirdness at every turn?

Brock: Yes!

Hunter: Are you ready for anything?

Brock: Yes!

Hunter: (pause) Are you still ready for anything?

Brock: Yes!

Hunter: Wrong! (smashes Brock across the knee with a metal pole) Lesson number one: trust no one. Minute God crapped out the third caveman, a conspiracy was hatched against one of them. Get up, damn you! (throws Brock a jetpack) Strap 'er on kid, your training starts now. When I'm through with you, you'll be a member of the elite agency that's been thanklessly defending this big-ass country since the second American Revolution.... the invisible one. Welcome to the Office of Secret Intelligence, Samson!

Brock: So for the next couple of days, it's yours. I'm trusting you to protect these people.

Molotov Cocktease: (scornfully) From what? Bed bugs and tummy aches?

Brock: Hey, you'd be surprised how many enemies Doctor Venture has. We get into some pretty hot situations here.

Dr. Venture: Brock, which of these looks better? The velour or the Italian knit? Oh, hello.

Brock: Doc, this is Molotov Cocktease. I hired her to watch out for you guys while I'm on assignment.

Dr. Venture: Charmed. Oh uh, and I got some iodine on this. Do you have time to get that out for me before you run off to play Cowboys and Indians?

Molotov Cocktease: Say the word and he's dead. We could be in Monaco by midnight.

Dr. Venture: Ahh, pardon?

Brock: Ah Doc, come here with me a second.

Dr. Venture: Did you check her references?

Brock: Yeah.

Dr. Venture: Oh great, she's one of your hussies isn't she? You're putting my life in the hands of a hussy.

Brock: She's a mercenary not a... hussy.

Dr. Venture: Did you have... relations with her?

Brock: Ehhh, no, I didn't.

Dr. Venture: Hmm, well then Rusty calls dibs. God, she must jazzercise night and day.

(Hank waves to Molotov)

Hank: Hi! I'm Hank!

(Molotov exhales her cigarette smoke in his face)

Brock: (sighs) You know, it's not costin' ya anything.

Dr. Venture: What is she, an intern? She getting credit for this in Murder School?

Brock: I worked out a trade. You know how Russians are goofy for American jeans? Well, I snagged a planeload of them the last time we were in Bolivia. (he opens a hatch on the X-1 and a "manaconda" slithers out, hissing)

Dean: Manaconda!

(Molotov jumps on the manaconda's back, drawing her sword)

Dr. Venture: Alright, she's nimble. I'll grant you that. Can she finish the job?

Brock: Wait.

(Molotov slices the manaconda in half, releasing several baby manacondas)

Dean: Eww. Wo-manaconda.

Dr. Venture: Well, let's say we get you settled in. Shall I make up the fold-out couch in my dad's old study for you, or, ahh, would you be more comfortable in the master suite?

Molotov: Get something straight, I am here only for a favor to that man whose feet you aren't even fit to kiss. I am not protecting your lives, I am saving his. Because by the time he gets back, you will no longer need a baby sitter. I'm going to turn you into men.

Dr. Orpheus: So easy to lose track of matters temporal in my vocation, Miss uhh...

Dr. Venture: Cocktease.

Dr. Orpheus: Oh, umm of course. How do you do?

Hank: Gee thanks for coming Dr. O., too bad you can't stay longer.

Dr. Orpheus: Well I don't really have to be anywhere.

Hank: (coldly) I said good day sir.

Dr. Venture: (to Molotov) Well, after that rigamarole I could use a night cap. Care to join me? I've been squirreling away a bottle of cooking sherry for a special occasion but, haha, heck this is cause enough to celebra... (Molotov walks off) some other time then.

Dr. Orpheus: No no, it sounds delightful. I'll get the glasses.

(Hank is removing posters from his wall)

Dean: What are you doing with Danica Patrick?

Hank: I'm over her, you want this?

Dean: Nah, not my type.

Hank: Wanna keep the Fun-Tak at least?

(Dean shakes his head no)

Dean: Whoa, not Mary Lou Retton too! What's going on with you?

Hank: (sighs) Dean, Dean. I sometimes forget that you're younger than me.

Dean: By a lousy four minutes!

Hank: Then maybe in four minutes you'll understand. It took a real woman to finally show me that these girls, fine atheletes and easy on the eye both, were but the mere crushes of a boy. And you, my friend, are looking at....a man.

Dean: (gasps) You finally got 'em?

Hank: (covering his crotch) A gentleman never asks and a lady never tells.

Dean: Why is my brother dressed like that?

Molotov: I didn't ask. I just thought you two liked to dress like idiots.

Dean: Hey!

Brock: (sigh) When do we get to do somethin'?

Hunter: Stakeouts are 80% of the job, boyo. (Brock touches his fake moustache) Don't pull at that! A convincing cover is the other 20%.

Brock: (sigh) So. No women, no children —

Hunter: No women, no children. Them's rules. Seperates us from the baddies.

Brock: But what if she's an enemy agent?

Hunter: Uh-uh.

Brock: An assassin?

Hunter: No.

Brock: Um... oh! A double-agent assassin who just killed the President.

Hunter: No sir. Non-lethal takedown only. President's not the president anyway, you know that.

Brock: Oh. Hey, how about, you know, uh... a lady Dracula?

Hunter: You mean, le vampyr? Nosferatu?

Brock: Guess.

Hunter: Undead. Not technically a woman in that regard, so you got no beef there. Also, fictitious. (Brock lifts a baguette to his mouth) Don't eat that, it's C4!.

Triana Orpheus: Hey, Dean.

Dean: Triana! Thank god!

Kim: (sarcastically) Nice bod.

Dean: Thanks, I've been working out... a lot.

Triana: Hey, we came over to use the pool, is that cool?

Dean: No, it's not cool. Nothing is cool.

Triana: You seem a little weird, are you guys ok?

Dean: (whispering) She's killing us.

Dean: ...and Hank, I don't know what his deal is, it's like he's actually enjoying this.

Kim: The Scooby-Doo kid? Where'd he go?

Dean: He's swimming laps... uh oh. (Hank is unconscious at the bottom of the pool)

Dr. Venture: Listen, we kinda got off on the wrong foot, you and I, and I don't mean the one you just kicked my teeth in with, I mean earlier. So, fine. If you're not interested in one hundred and thirty five pounds of grade A American come-and-get-it, I can respect that. But, uh, we can at least be friends right? (Molotov smiles and shakes his hand) So tell me, friend, you might know this. The whole Russian mail-order-bride deal on the Internet, is that on the up and up?

Molotov: (coldly) I wouldn't know.

Dr. Venture: Because those Chinese ones are a real racket. The damn thing was already dead when the crate finally showed up!

(Hank has tongue-kissed Molotov while she performs CPR on him)

Molotov: Nyet! Ew, milk breath.

Hank: Incredible.

Dean: Hank! We've got big troubles. The Apaches are back!

Hank: What?

Dean: Look. Tepee in your trunks!

(Hanks gasps, the camera pans back to reveal his erection)

Hank: My pants are haunted! My pants are haunted!

Molotov: Do you want me, Hank?

Hank: Yes'm.

Molotov: Your father will never let us be together. He's a big old doodyhead who wants me all to himself.

Hank: He's a jerk!

Molotov: Yes, Hank, he is. But what are you going to do about it? (she reveals her breasts, which are in fact duplicates of Hank's head)

Hank-head breast-beasts: Kill pop! Kill pop! Kill pop! You should totally kill pop.

Hank: Father...

Dr. Venture: Yes, Hank?

Hank: I want to kill you...

Dr. Venture: That's nice. Play pirate somewhere else, boy. Your father's busy.

Molotov: Hank, nyet!

Hank: Molotov... I want to... oh baby!!!

[Brock discovers a plastic surgeon is turning Hunter into a female, starting with enhanced breasts]

Brock: Whu - What the Hell did you do to him?

Plastic Surgeon: (German Accent) Only whad she azked me to!

Brock: This man was like a father to me!

Plastic Surgeon: Well, zink of ziss woman as, like, a mother to jou.

[Brock screams, picks him up by the collar and begins to slap him]

Plastic Surgeon: Your mother! [Slap] Your father! [Slap] Your mother! [Slap] Your father! [Slap] He-he's your muh-mother and your fuh-father... [Collapses into tears]

Brock: Where's Hank?

Dr. Venture: Up in his room. Our little man is grounded.

Brock: What'd he do?

Dr. Venture: Get this, I'm working in the lab, right? And Hank sleepwalks in, hauls off and smacks me in the head with a papier-mache sword, pees his pants and passes out.

Brock: So, I didn't miss much?

Dr. Venture: Pfft. What's there to miss?

Escape to the House of Mummies Part II

Team Venture find themselves trapped in the clutches of a bloodthirsty Egyptian cult and their time machine. Doc narrowly escapes and teams up with Master Billy Quizboy and Pete White, but promptly forgets to mount a rescue. So it's up to Brock and a pantheon of history's greatest men to find another way out.

(Brock and Hank have just found Dean's disembodied head inside a small pyramid frame)

Brock: What happened?

Hank: Yeah Clarissa, explain it all

Dean: That guy with the bird head, he has this mummy army, and one of the mummys has a magic scepter. Don't move Hank, he's right behind you!

Hank: What? Yep. That's just Mummy-Mum-Muggy. He's a good mummy, Dean-o. Right? Muggy friend. (scratches the mummy's chin) Muggy like his chin rubbed. Who's a good mummy?

Brock: Hank, get your brother's head and follow me. There has to be a way out of here.

Hank: Muggy might know! (continues scratching Muggy's chin) Tell us boy. (Muggy's head, except for the lower jaw, falls off)

Brock: This is getting stupid! Where the hell is your father?

The Master: Orpheus, you are my best and brightest pupil, even if you do taste a little salty. You're ready, Orpheus. Now get the hell out of this closet and go win that incredibly gay contest! Go! Go!

Osiris High Priest: Created by Tam, the self-created, from the same egg which emerged Ra, behold the Perfect Man, he who shall reign over all creation!

[Perfect Man is sucking his foot]

Dr. Venture: Very nice. It seems he hates his own foot.

Osiris High Priest: Oh, still?! He's been doing that all day!

Dr. Venture (to Dean, riding on The Perfect Man's back): Dean, stop riding the 'Perfect Man'. Brock has to kill him now.

Dean: Aww, can't we keep him?

Hank: Yeah, dad! We'll feed the Perfect Man, and take care of him, and clean up after him.

Dr. Venture: No. He's an abomination. Go ahead, Brock.

[Brock walks forward carrying a machete]

Osiris Priest: Give me the Hand of Osiris!

Dr. Venture: Give me head.

Osiris Priest: You didn't just say that!

Dr. Venture: I absolutely did. What are you gonna do about it?

Osiris Priest: (confused) I'm... about to kill your sons.

Dr. Venture: Join the club!

Osiris Cultist: Ooohhh. Fill the Jackal's head with OIL. Now it makes sense. At first I thought you said scalding hot voile.

Osiris High Priest: Wh-What the hell is voile?

Osiris Cultist: It's a soft, sheer fabric. I warmed some up in the dryer.

Osiris High Priest: What kind of torture is that? Get out of here! I'm serious, I don't even want to LOOK at you any more!

Dr. Venture: Hank! Get off those spikes. It's not a ride.

Hank: Awwww.

Brock: I gotta admit I always wanted to get Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock. That thing is like a pumpkin!

Dr. Orpheus: (answering phone) Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.

Dr. Venture: Uh...Orpheus, it's your landlord. We're trapped in a cliché. Use your fake impossible magic to get us out of here.

Brock 1: (formulating a rescue plan) Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear. (Caligula moans happily and hugs Hank) On second thought, you and Freud should do it. Caligula, you take the second wave alone. Ready Dean?

Dean: (with the body of a mummy, riding on the back of the bucking 'Perfect Man' and holding two shotguns.) Woah, steady, perfect man. Ready Brock!

Brock 1: When the gates open me, Poe, and me, (pointing to himself from the past) rush in. You got that? (Poe gives the thumbs-up)

Brock 2: You're going to kill him when he shows up, aren't ya?

Brock 1: Oh, you know it.

Both Brocks: (raising their machetes) Charge!

Triana Orpheus: (entering her room, where Orpheus is opening her closet door to reveal a supernatural portal) I knew it!

Dr. Orpheus: (flustered) Pumpkin! What are you doing in... your room? Shouldn't you be... not in your room?

Triana:My whole life I've been afraid of that closet! There's always these weird lights and something that smells like a burning Band-aid.

Dr. Orpheus: Brimstone. Okay fine, porthole to the burning nowhere, you got me.

Triana: Dad! I thought I was going crazy! I mean, I'm still afraid of the closet! Still! I wear the same thing every day because of that closet!

Dr. Orpheus: Well, how was I to know?! Come now, Archie and his indolent companion Jughead wear the same clothes every day. I thought it was an adolescent phase of yours.

Triana: Great. My closet is the door to hell.

Dr. Orpheus: The Necropolis. A porthole to the Necropolis. It had to be on the south side of the apartment, and since you had to have a private bathroom... oh, this is never... (he seizes her head) SLEEP!!

The Master: Look, Orpheus, I know why you're here, and I chose the form of Argos to teach you a little lesson.

Dr. Orpheus: Don't you mean Cerberus? Correct me if I'm wrong, but Argos was Ulysses' dog. He had only one head.

The Master: See? See? There you go, right there. That's what I'm talking about. You're a know-it-all, and no one likes a... (one of his heads begins to lick his crotch) Wait, hold on a sec.

Dr. Orpheus: I only know that I know nothing.

The Master: Way to quote something I said like a year ago. But I'm serious, hold on. This other head likes to clean my genitals with his mouth. I know it sounds weird, I let him do it because it feels great. Oh yeah. The problem is that I can taste it. So, I taste my own genitals. In my mouth. It's a... conundrum.

Master Billy Quizboy: (questioning why anyone would want to break into their trailer) It's industrial espionage, you've come to steal our great ideas. You've been foiled; we have none!

Dr. Venture: What's with the poetry Wordsworth? Just say it. Say I am a virgin! Billy, that makes you the best canidate to take a ray blast. You have nothing to lose. You've never done anything. The way I look at it, it's not even murder. It's a very late abortion.

Twenty Years to Midnight

In the middle of spring cleaning, Brock's discovery of a lost videotape from Jonas Venture Sr. sets Team Venture off on a global scavenger hunt for the hidden pieces of a fantastic and potentially deadly machine. But to save humanity from a terrible fate, they'll have to overcome death, drug addiction, Jonny Quest and Professor Impossible--all under the watchful eye of the mysterious Grand Galactic Inquisitor.

Dr. Venture: (seeing the Inquisitor for the first time) Ladysmith Black Mambazo!!!

Dean: (while going through a box of Dr. Venture's old things) Ah, neat! You wrote a fan letter to the Herculoids when you were ten? (Hank snatches the letter away from Dean) Hey!

Hank: Hey, horses! (reads letter) It's not a fan letter, he calls them hippies for not fighting in Vietnam. (The Grand Inquisitor snatches the letter) Hey!

Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME!

Brock: What're you doing here?

Captain: Yeah, well -- you never seemed to use the boat, so... I kinda started sleepin' here. Only a couple nights a week at first. You try findin' a job with nothin' on your resume but fake ghost pirate--

Brock: Get to the point!

Captain: Yah yah! Geez. Anyhoo... I wakes up one day and there's this little fella standin' there. And he tells me it's his boat now, on account a'yer pa 'et him up when he was wee! He hired me on as the ship's captain! So really, it's kinda more my boat than yours at this point.

Captain: Jesus Jones! (pause) Ah, now there was a band.

Dr. Venture: (waking up from a bizarre dream) Oh, I thought I was done with those crappy dreams.

Grand Galactic Inquisitor: That was a weird one.

Venture: Great, you can read my mind.

Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME! (pause) Yes, I can.

Hank: (upon entering Colonel Horace Gentleman's private chambers) Are you t'home?

Dean: (reading Colonel Gentelman's journal) Toys Colonel Gentleman wishes he had when he was a lad but weren't invented yet: Micronauts, The Scooby-Doo Monster Game, AT-AT Imperial Walker, Stay Alive: The Survival Game and Which Witch?

Hank: What is that, code?

Dean: (after reading Colonel Gentleman's journal) "Colonel Gentleman's good names for an imaginary friend." "Colonel Gentleman's Hollywood actresses who need a smack in the mouth" They go on and on. This is a crazy person's diary.

Jonny Quest: Are you cops?

Brock: (sighing with disgust) This is just wrong, man, even for you. Look at her!

Dr. Venture: I have watched you pull a man's eyes from his head and make him dance like a marionette with his own optic nerves!

Brock: At least I didn't break his heart.

Dr. Venture: You don't know that.

Prof. Richard Impossible: You see, Dr. Venture, I found the piece your father hid in the foundation years ago. Then I thought about you in physics class. You were a daydreamer, a sass-mouth, and, not infrequently, a bit of a gigglepuss. Somehow I doubt twenty years of amphetamines and failure have done anything to improve that.

Grand Galactic Inquisitor: Someone left a baby! (after a pause, he reluctantly picks up Rocket)

Rocket: (babbles)

Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME!

Prof. Impossible: Please! This is important!

Sally Impossible: What could be more important than your family, Richard?

Prof. Impossible: (baffled by the question) Sssssss-science?

Prof. Impossible: (as Brock bolts his cheek to a wall) Of all the intolerable bugaboos!

Grand Galactic Inquisitor: (exiting a taxi) Good news, sample subjects of Earth! The glorious moment of judgment is upon you!

Taxi driver: Hey! It's eight-twenty on the meter, stretch!

Grand Galactic Inquisitor: IGNORE ME!

"Jonas Venture": Oh, Rusty. You were never alone. Those stars... well, okay, you can't see them right now because we're in the city, but those stars, they're always watching us.

"Jonas Venture": I took the form of your dad because I figured it would be easier to accept. I didn't want to stress you out—end of the world, life on other planets, blah blah blah.

Dr. Venture: Why...you SON-OF-A-BITCH! Do you know what you just put me through?! What the fuck were you thinking?! What kind of fucked-up planet are you from, where you think showing up as my dead fucking father is supposed to make me feel any better?!

"Jonas Venture": Okay, take it easy...

Dr. Venture: You prick!

"Jonas Venture": Look, I just saved your entire planet...

Dr. Venture: Prick!

"Jonas Venture": Alright, fine, you wanna see? Here! (Peels off his face, revealing his true self, which is shown offscreen, but horrifies everyone else) There! Are you happy now? Would that be better? That I came out looking like that out of nowhere? Look at you! You practically crapped your pants! Except for him, he crapped his pants! (points to Ned)

Ned: Boom boom.

Sea Captain: (Upon watching Jonas Venture Jr and Mrs. Impossible meeting) Hoo-ah, I can almost hear the old humpbacks a-callin'.

Victor. Echo. November.

Phantom Limb and Dr. Girlfriend agree to a civil double date with The Monarch and some girl he met on LiveJournal in order to discuss The Monarch's official re-entry into the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Team Venture then become the unwitting pawns in a low-grade pissing contest when Phantom Limb sics the Guild's commandos on them to prove his dominance.

Phantom Limb: Rembrandt van Rijn — a hundred fifty years ago, Delacroix said of Rembrandt that his works would be held higher than those of Raphael. His blasphemous prophecy came true within fifty years, and this one could be yours for the pittance of 10 million, American.

Mafioso: No, I want the Mona Lisa.

Phantom Limb: Look, the Mona Lisa's not a better painting, it's merely a more famous one, and it was made more famous because it was stolen. And this was stolen, so...

Mafioso: What about her, ah, famous smile?

Phantom Limb: Whatever. She looks like a horse! It's - it's tiny, you know? Th-the thing is like this big.

Mafioso: Really?

Phantom Limb: Yes, really. So this is cheaper. By the... by the foot.

Phantom Limb: Oh (bleep)... great, I think I killed him.

The Monarch: #24, ready the Monarch-Mobile! Your leader has a date.

#24: We kinda...don't have a Monarch-Mobile anymore.

The Monarch: Why the hell not?

24: We ditched it.

#21: You know, the heat was on us after that Venture Brother thing, so we thought...

The Monarch: Fine, what are our options?

24: We can take my Nissan Stanza.
21: Oh, shotgun, called! Totally!

The Monarch: Alright, what color is it? Is it diabolical? Or at least butterfly colored?

24: It's powder blue. Mostly.

The Monarch: Great. 21, what do you drive?

21: His powder blue Stanza.

Dr. Venture: Lab shmab, I'm finished with work for today. No, I wanted the boys away because I made a discovery of the... non-scientific kind.

Brock: What'd you find? Are you okay?

Dr. Venture: Oh, I'm more than okay. While perusing TV guide, I found a little - shall I say - flick, starring a one miss Dolly Parton, meow. Yeah, it seems she made a racy film called The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

Brock: Yeah, Doc, you're uh... gonna be disappointed there...

Dr. Venture: Don't ruin it for me. I've got popcorn popping and the VCR set for stun! You wanna watch it with me?

Brock: Nah, I'm cool. I gotta drive the boys to dinner.

Dr. Venture: Oh, I get it! Yeah, those kind of films are meant to be watched solo a mano.

Brock: Yeah, that's it.

Dr. Orpheus: I have been attempting to stave off this awkward, yet necessary conversation.

Triana: Please. Dad.

Dr. Orpheus: This is my duty!

[Triana giggles]

Dr. Orpheus: What is funny about my duty? You know I take my duty quite seriously.

Triana: You said... [laughs] Never mind.

Dr. Orpheus: I share your nervousness, but there are certain facts that a father must impart to his daughter on occasions such as this- Oh yes, 'doody', clever.

Triana: Daaad.

Dr. Orpheus: Hear me out! [clears throat] When young women reach estrus, the, uhh, lignum, ummm, craves theeee stamen-like skills of the yonie. This is quite natural.

Triana: Dad. Come on. I'm doing you a favor.

Dr. Orpheus: Yes, yes, Mr. Venture has been kind enough to give me some leeway with the rent if I get the boys, as he says, 'out of his hair' for the evening. But as you know, tonight I teach conjuring at the new school.

Triana: It's not a problem. Kim and I could use a free dinner.

Dr. Orpheus: It's just that boys at their age have unchecked desires coursing, nay raging as a tempest would! Through their tingling nethers!

Triana: Come on, Dad. I'm going on a date with... the Venture brothers.

Kim: So, are the Venture Brothers cute?

Triana Orpheus: Well, Dean...he's kinda cute. He dresses like Buddy Holly.

Kim: That's pretty cool.

Triana Orpheus: Yeah, but I think he does it accidentally.

Kim: What about my date?

Triana Orpheus: Hank? Well, he's blonde and more...like, athletic.

Kim: Sounds good. How does he dress?

Triana Orpheus: Like Fred from Scooby-Doo.

21: Put in my mix tape; it's right on the dash. It's the one that says, Chillin' with My Peeps and My Main Man, The Monarch.

The Monarch: We have to stop and pick up my...date.

21: I thought Dr. Girlfriend was going to be there.

The Monarch: Yes, with that dick, Phantom Limb. I plan to use the never-fail strategy of jealousy!

24: Who's your date?

The Monarch: I met her on the LiveJournal, which I kept in prison. I have been blogging! After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs, she commented that I was not only 'f0ine', I was 'teh sex', whatever that means...

Dean: Any advice, you know, this being our first big date and all?

Brock: Yeah. (Throws corsage from Dean's lap out the window)

Dean: No?

Brock: No. Don't pull out her chair, kiss her hand, or anything like that — it's kind of dorky. Just be yourself. Wait, here, take this (his wallet). It's got plenty of money in there, and it doesn't have a cartoon bee on it. Don't let them pay for anything, and if you end up going to, like, a movie or something, you call me on the two-way, okay?

Hank: What about me? Any advice to help me score with my mystery date?

Brock: Yeah, don't say "score" or anything close to "mystery date" in front of her, and don't do that "do you like seafood" joke either.

Hank: Can do, 'cause she would totally know that joke already.

Dean: THEY'RE HERE!

Hank: Dude, sit down. You have to play it cool. Observe how I scope out my mystery date whilst I pretend to look at my watch. (Sees Kim with Triana walking in) Holy moley, look at my date! She's a supervillain, possibly a Medusa. Dean, I am not kidding, she has rope for hair and a shiny costume. Aw, not fair, she's wearing goggles! Told you she would dig my Batman suit, but NO!

The Monarch: (sighing) Jollyrancher82, never get henchmen.

Jollyrancher82: You know, that's not my real name.

The Monarch: Well, how was I supposed to know? I used my real name.

Jollyrancher82: I just thought, you know... "The Monarch," I thought you were into cosplay...

The Monarch: Real name! And I am into costumed business, not costumed play.

Jollyrancher82: (seeing Dr. Girlfriend walk in) Wow, she's gorgeous.

The Monarch: She is heat incarnate. When I met her, she looked like that girl Saffron from the band Republica. She had those red streaky things in her hair.

Jollyrancher82: I heard that she was (whispering) kind of manly.

The Monarch: That's ridiculous, who would say such things? The woman is a delicate flower. That chode she's with, that's Phantom Limb. When he was in college, he was a scrawny little wuss. In a desperate attempt to be cooler than guys like me, he had his 12-year-old roommate create a machine that speeds up the muscle building process. The machine worked so well that every molecule in his extremities was accelerated beyond the speed of light. There were two side effects. One! He could mess up a guy just by touching him. And two! He became a humorless dick!

24: (on Phantom Limb) How do you think he floats like that?
21: Well, he's not floating — his legs are invisible.
24: What?
21: Yeah. He used to be a good guy, actually. When he and Billy — that, you know, weird midget who won a bunch of money on Card Sharks — invented a time machine, he became a villain; and the way I heard the story is that the time machine was, like, broken or something, so Phantom Limb's arms and legs and Billy's hand were sent forty years into the future.
24: I loved Card Sharks.
21: It's a great show.

Kim: Wow, that guy's, like, just a torso.

Hank: Yeah, that's Phantom Limb. I don't think he professionally hates my dad, but he totally hates my dad. I think he used to be a famous magician. And one time, while performing for the Queen of England, he accidentally made his arms and legs disappear. They are now on the Moon with a bunch of rabbits and doves and...and playing cards and pretty assistants and some milk.

Dean: Never happened.

Hank: Did. I also heard he sliced off a kid's hand and ate it. Yeah, it was that big-headed guy that operated on your balls, Dean.

Dean: HANK, don't you have to go to the bathroom?

Hank: Whoa, what are you, psychic? I totally do — weird. Ladies, it seems that young Dean here needs an escort to the bathroom. If there's any trouble, you just give the Hankinator a holler.

Phantom Limb: Syndicate number: Victor. Echo. November. Seven. Niner.

The Monarch: Hm. "Niner." Nice touch.

Dr. Venture: (about "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas") Brock, I am this close to seeing Dolly's goods. I mean, they can't sing forever.

Dr. Venture: Why are you naked?

Brock: To prey on their fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill.

Dr. Venture: Alright, now you're scaring me. What's going on?

Brock: I dunno. (holding the decapitated head of a guild henchman) But judging from these goggles, it's The Guild. Seems like you made it to the big league, what'd you do?

Dr. Venture: Nothing! I was just sitting here, watching the worst porno ever. Is that a head?

Dr. Girlfriend: Well, isn't this wonderful? My favorite part was when you (Phantom Limb) decided to kill the Venture family. No, wait, it was when your (The Monarch) fake date ran off crying. Come on, Monarch, how old was she? ("Jollyrancher82")

The Monarch: Will you look at me? I'm in a fucking evil butterfly costume! What age group do you think is going to be attracted to me!?

Brock: Strange, you almost can't...feel it. No, don't move. The knife is still in you, the blade right between the kidney and the spleen, just a twitch...

Guild Stranger: It feels almost...cold...

Brock: You tell me your target and I slide the knife out. You might live. Or-

Guild Stranger: Blackout. Four and a robot.

Brock: Good boy.

Guild Stranger: I think you may have got the kidney. I don't want to die alone. (cough) Don't...don't go.

Brock: I don't think I hit your kidney...

Guild Stranger: No you...no you totally did. (cough) Please... please hold me...

Brock: Look, I'm pretty sure I missed the kidney, I mean you could bleed to death in like four hours, but uh...

Guild Stranger: I-I see a tunnel. I'm scared. Could you... could you stroke my hair?

Brock: All right, look, you are not gonna-

Guild Stranger: Then could you sing to me? Could you sing a Technotronic song? Maybe... "Pump Up The Jam"?

Brock: I don't know-

Guild Stranger: What about "Move This"!? Do you know that one!?!?

Brock: (sigh, then starting to sing) Baby, let me...

Dr. Venture: (weak from blood loss) If you don't come save me, I'm going to fire you Brock.

Brock: (over the radio) You gotta try to hold on, Doc! I'll be back soon!

Dr. Venture: Brock... You're fired...

The Monarch: (sighing) Steak fries... always soggy.

(Dean attempts to put out the fire on Hank's crotch in the bathroom)

Hank: Dude! Stop wailing on my junk! Throw water on it!

Dean: No way! That's what started this!

Hank: Well, then take it easy! Just dab. Dab it!

24: (looking from stall) I can't believe it's hard to kill these two.
21: (on the toilet) Don't talk to me. If I push any harder, I'm gonna pop a gasket.

Guild Operative: How many Yaz albums do you have on here?

Kim: Can I ask you a question?

Dr. Girlfriend: (sighs) Yes, I belong in here; I just have a deep voice.

Kim: Okay. Can I ask you another one?

Dr. Girlfriend: Yeah, sure.

Kim: What color lipstick is that?

Dr. Girlfriend: "Pink Poodle". It's a MAC color. They give a Guild discount. You're in the Guild. Aren't you?

Kim: I don't know what the Guild means.

Dr. Girlfriend: Heh, tell me about it. I don't know anymore myself. So, do you work, uh, single, number 2 a man?

Kim: Um, I don't really have a guy.

Dr. Girlfriend: Well, let me give you my card, I like your look. Yeah, I've had it up to here with men and I think we'd make a nice team. Call me.

Kim: Did you see that? That woman just totally hit on me.

Triana Orpheus: She wasn't hitting on you. Read the card.

Kim: Oh my god! I knew it. She's a supervillian, that is so cool! She thought I was a bad guy, I am so gonna to do this.

(Brock jumps through the bathroom window)

Dean: Naked!

(Brock sneaks up behind #24 and #21 in the bathroom stall and puts a knife to Number 24's throat)

21: Holy crap!
24: Whatever it is we didn't do it!

Brock: I believe you. Stay here, don't do anything, you understand?

24: Yes sir, yes I understand sir.
21: Well on the upside, finally dropped one.
24: Yeah, me too.

(Brock appears in the next bathroom stall and puts a knife to The Monarch's throat)

The Monarch: Hello, Brock. (clears throat) I was wondering when you would show up. I had nothing to do with this. Phantom Nimrod was showing off in front of my girlfriend, I told him.

Brock: Alright, stay out of this one.

The Monarch: No duh. He's in the next stall. Hey, how's that dickweed boss of yours?

Brock: Don't push it!

The Monarch: Mmmm... nice ass, Samson.

Kim: I'm gonna be a supervillain.

Hank: Yeah, I'm gonna be Batman!

Venture Bros.: Go Team Venture! (They do hand signal in the air)

Triana Orpheus: Dude, I warned you.

Kim: I think I just found my first archenemies.

Dr. Venture: (about Billy's hand) How'd that happen anyway?

Master Billy Quizboy: That's an excellent question. I have no idea.

Master Billy Quizboy [After re-attaching Dr. Venture's arm]: Don't lift anything heavy for a while, because your arm could fall off.

Dr. Venture: Really?

Master Billy Quizboy: No, I'm just kidding. But seriously, don't lift anything heavy for a while... because your arm could fall off.

Love-Bheits

The Ventures crash land in Ünderland. Baron Ünderbheit captures them, obsessed with taking revenge on Dr. Venture, but mistakes Dean for a woman. Brock, Hank, and Dr. Venture are meanwhile rescued by Catclops and Girl Hitler's underground resistance group.

Dr. Venture: Who can forget last year's costume party, where we went as Dorothy, Scarecrow, the Lion and.... "the Bat!"

Baron Ünderbheit: Ooh, my sweet little Rusty, how many years have I longed for this moment? How many years has it been since... COLLEGE!?!

Baron Ünderbheit: Say hello to goodbye, Dr. Venture!

{The X-1 is going down)

Hank Venture: (in the fetal position)I'm the bat I'm the bat I'm the bat I'm the bat...

(The X-1 is crash landing)

Dean Venture: Everybody into the black box! It's indestructible!

(after the X-1 crashes)

Dr. Venture: Yeah, pretty sure my scoliosis is going the other way now.

Hank: My butt won't stop making a fist!

Dean: At least you have one.

Dr. Venture: You're blessed with your father's ass, Dean. Learn to love stadium cushions.

(Brock Samson has just handed Doctor Venture a tooth containing arsenic)

Brock: Don't take all of it.

Doctor Venture: Or else what? I'll overdose on poison?

(Hank scouts around the corner and sees several Underland Guardsman. He silently gives Brock a complex series of commando-style code gestures)

Brock: (amused) You have no idea what that means, do you? You're just having fun with your hands, aren't you?

(Team Venture has been brought to Baron Ünderbheit's laboratory under guard)

Baron Ünderbheit: What are they doing here? Put them in the holding cells while I decide how they are to die!

Manservant: We don't... we don't have holding cells, Your Thoughfulness.

Baron Ünderbheit: No holding...! Fine. Put them in... the pantry.

(Dean already knows that Baron Ünderbheit has sent them to a holding cell)

Dean Venture: What have you done with Pop?!?

Baron Ünderbheit: Your father is resting comfortably in a makeshift holding cell, soon--

Dean Venture: What have you done with my brother?!?

Baron Ünderbheit: He, too, is being held in the--

Dean Venture: What have you done with our secret agent bodyguard?!?

Baron Ünderbheit: (frustrated) They're all in the same place, okay?!?

Doctor Venture: Brock, you speak crazy, do something about him.

[A eunuch is preparing to give Dean, believed to be a girl, a bath]

Eunuch: Please, I'm a eunuch. You think the Baron would allow another set of balls near his wife? And don't worry, honey, even when I had 'em, you've got nothing I'm interested in. [Pulls down Dean's Princess Leia loincloth] ROOSTER IN THE HEN HOUSE!!

[Dean and the eunuch both scream in very high-pitched voices]

Eunuch: I'm fixed, what's your excuse?

Brock: Hank, no! It's suicide!

Hank: Well then I'll see you in Heck! (runs screaming down hall)

Dean: I'm not a woman! I'm a boy science adventurer, like my father before me! (drops robes)

Dr. Venture: (sarcastically) Thank goodness, Hank's going to save us all. (glances at Brock) Oh, what are you so worried about? I can make another one. Hey, maybe he'll surprise us! He does get that kind of retard strength when he's all worked up.

Catclops: You mess with the cat, you get the clops!

Girl Hitler: Yeah, und you mess with the girl, you get the Hitler!

Catclops: Marry me.

Baron Ünderbheit: Catclops? So you survived? Wait a minute, the cat hairs in my water! (lunges at Catclops) OF COURSE!!

Baron Ünderbheit: Is that what you think? Oh that is rich, I will have to tell Manservant that one. And he will have to laugh.

Dean:Wow, a girl president! How progressive!

Hank: And a Hitler! Boy, things are really looking up!

Hank (To Dean, while lying on the floor, bleeding) I cut my tongue on my mask.

Fallen Arches

When the Guild of Calamitous Intent finally approves Dr. Orpheus for his very own arch-nemesis he calls upon old friends The Alchemist and Jefferson Twilight to resurrect their former super-team, The Order of the Triad. While they audition supervillain candidates at the Venture Compound, a jealous Doc isn't about to let Orpheus steal the show. Let loose the Walking Eye!

Jefferson Twilight: Yes, I only hunt blaculas.

Guild Candidate: Oh, so you only hunt African-American vampires?

Twilight: No, sometimes I hunt British vampires. They don't have "African Americans" in England!

Candidate: Oh yeah, huh, good point.

Twilight: So I hunt blaculas.

Candidate: I was just trying to be...

Twilight: Man, I specialize in hunting black vampires, I don't know what the P.C. name for that is!

Jefferson Twilight: On three we give him the old Rochambeau.

The Alchemist: Rock-paper-scissors?

Dr. Orpheus: What does a general from the American Revolution have to do with this?

Jefferson Twilight: American Revolution? Rochambeau sounds...sounds French to me.

Dr. Orpheus: Yes, the Franco-American forces.

Jefferson Twilight: They fought with spaghetti-o's and meatballs?

The Alchemist: Why would a company called Franco-American make Italian food?

Hank: (reading Triana's message in the bathroom mirror) "I'm in the Torrid Zone. Call my feather". We need to find her feather!

#21: We're -totally- going to fly into some hot chick's bedroom!.

#24: Oh totally! And she'll be like, dating the good guy. And I'll come in and be all; "I'll spare his life, but only for you s-sugarpants"

21: (Grabbing #24's shoulders, shaking him roughly) Dude! And then you will have sex! You will be having sex! Sex!

The Monarch: Oh, but which door to choose? That one can have fun, surprises, and a year's supply of Turtle Wax behind it.... (the prostitute opens the door, and a polar bear pounces on her) ... or the polar bear from Lost!

The Monarch: (to the prostitute) I don't blame you for desiring me...the Monarch is DELICIOUS!!!

Prostitute: Think you can give me directions back to Liberty Street?

The Monarch: Listen and listen well. The road before you is beset with many perils! Every turn you make will bring you closer to the cold awaiting hands of Sister Fate!

Prostitute: Or just the center of town? Do you have a pen? Maybe I should...

The Monarch: Fear me, Theseus, for I AM THE MIGHTY MINOTAUR! [Disrobes, revealing a large minotaur tattoo on his back) This Cocoon has witnessed your sins, and she seeks vengeance! The Cocoon will punish the wicked, the Cocoon will reward the righteous! You must escape from her grasp, you must earn your freedom!

Prostitute: Dude, I don't have time for... (A trap door beneath the bed opens, sending the Prostitute down)

The Monarch: How much do you want to live?!

Dr. Venture: (trying to explain the birds and the bees to Dean) I'm going to explain to you what most boys your age (pauses) have known for like five years already.

Brock: (watching the guild candidates attack the walking robotic eye) Well, anyway, I'm gonna go get some of that action.

Dr. Venture: Aren't you gonna change?

Brock: No way. I love wearing a tux when I kill guys. Makes you feel kinda like James Bond.

Order of the Triad: (Dr. Orpheus, Jefferson Twilight, and the Alchemist do their "thing") Order of the Triad... Go!

Dr. Venture: Get out of my kitchen.

24: I can't believe that whore stole my Stanza.
21: I can't believe that whore made it past the lake of acid.

Dr. Venture: Alright Dean,I,er...need to talk about a few things with you.

Dean: Hank did it.

Dr. Orpheus: Do not drink the chocolate milk!

Guess Who's Coming to State Dinner?

When the Gargantua-1 Space Station breaks orbit and crashes into a wanted terrorist, Colonel Bud Manstrong becomes a national hero. But did it really happen or is Bud's mother, the indomitable Mrs. Manstrong, behind an insidious plot to assassinate the President? The mysterious blinking band aid on Bud's head might be the key to a mystery only the ghost of Abraham Lincoln and Team Venture can solve.

[Doctor Venture is jealous that Bud Manstrong is getting so much attention]

Doctor Venture: They might as well give a medal to the seats while they're pinning one on "Luck Rogers" over there.

Brock: (with disbelief) "Luck Rogers"?

Doctor Venture: (chuckles) You like that? I almost said "Flash in the pan Gordon".

Brock: Glad you didn't.

[Brock has just had an unfortunate run-in with Hauser, a member of the Secret Service]

Doctor Venture: Friend of yours?

Brock: We were in 'Nam together.

Doctor Venture: Oh. Wait, you were like 10 during Vietnam.

Brock: Well, I didn't say during the war.

President Breyer: Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to Colonel Bud Manstrong, a man of bravery, integrity, an indominable spirit of--

Mrs. Manstrong: Oh, quit blowing smoke up the boy's ass, Breyer! We all know the real reason Bud's here. Your administration is in the crapper, and you need Mrs. Manstrong's little Boy Scout on the team to polish that turd.

President Breyer: How'd you like to be Vice-President?

Bud Manstrong: Me?!

President Breyer: Hell yeah, you! Who'd do think I'm talking about; you're a genuine hero, boy. The Bureau can't find a damn thing on you, and plus, you're a little bit of the eye candy for the ladies. Speakin' of which...(opens door) take a pick.

Bud Manstrong: I'm...not sure I follow you, Sir.

President Breyer: Any of my secretarial staff, 'cept the one in the blue dress that smells like this!

(Holds his finger up to Bud's nose)

Bud Manstrong: Oh, dear lord!

President Breyer: That's Phyllis — got my name written all over her...literally! I once wrote my name on the front of her dress with the tip of my...

Bud Manstrong: OH NO! I'm not hearing this, I'm not hearing this! Good evening, sir!

(Walks out of the office)

President Breyer: (into intercom) Cass, I'll take that blowjob now.

Doctor Venture: Oh, come on, Brock! This might be five minutes! I've been practicing my pitch all week!

Brock: (scoffs) You just have no clue, do you? These aren't a bunch of fake pirates or dicks in rubber butterfly suits, we're talking about the United States Secret Service.

Doctor Venture: Please, we'll both get off the hook when he feasts his eyes on what I've got to offer. The thing sells itself! If it doesn't I can't afford to pay you this month.

Brock: You don't pay me.

[Hauser is about to shoot the portable forcefield generator to shut it off]

Doctor Venture: I wouldn't do that. They're nuclear batteries.

President Breyer: Nuke-a-lar?

Doctor Venture: That's not actually a word, but yes.

Ghost of Abraham Lincoln: Venture Brothers!

Dean: (screams)

Lincoln's Ghost: You must help me! Colonel Manstrong is going to assassinate the president!

Dean: Hank! Wake up! It's the ghost of Abraham Lincoln!

Hank: (waking up) Who?

Lincoln's Ghost: Microchip! Microchip! It's in the back of his head! His mother is using it to control him and she's going to make him assassinate the president!

Dean: It just sounds a little far-fetched.

Hank: Yeah, thank you, I'm glad you said it.

Lincoln's Ghost: Didn't either of you see The Manchurian Candidate? Not even the remake with Denzel? Come on, I've been dead for seven score years and even I—

Hank: Who is this guy?

Lincoln's Ghost: Abraham Lincoln! Sixteenth president of the United States! Come on, you're kidding me!

Dean: Yeah, didn't you learn anything in bed?

Lincoln's Ghost: All right. All right, how 'bout this? I'm the five dollar bill guy.

Hank: You invented the five dollar bill?

Lincoln's Ghost: Yes, Hank. (shaking his head in resignation) Yes, I did. Dean, you seem to be a little more on the ball here. Help me stop Manstrong.

Dean: Why do you need us?

Lincoln's Ghost: Because I'm immaterial. Look at this. (Passes arm through Hank and Dean.) It's a no go! I need to possess one of your bodies. Just for a little while. Until I can stop him. Will one of you do that for me? For the Union?

Hank: Not it!

Dean: Not it!

Hank: OnetwothreefourfivesixseveneightninetenJINX! You owe me a coke!

Dean: Aww.

(Dean, possessed by the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln, tries to kiss Hank.)

Hank: Eww!

(Hank slaps Dean, knocking Lincoln out of him and onto the floor.)

Hank: Dude, what the dilly?!

Dean: Did it work? What happened?

Hank: Honest Abe's a 'mo, that's what happened.

Lincoln's Ghost: Sorry! Sorry. I don't know what came over me. It was just a bit overwhelming to have a body again. All those hormones. Whoo! (Stands up.) Right. Just let me try this again. I'm ready for it this time. (Begins to step into Dean.) Who's Triana, by the way?

Dean: Ah! Just get in!

(Lincoln steps into Dean's body.)

Hank: And no funny business!

Lincoln's Ghost: Yes already! Like you boys never experimented.

Hank: Dean!

Hauser: (to Brock) Nice one. Everything you touch turns to suck. It's official.

Doctor Venture: Oh, no, they called my brother? Could this be any more embarrassing? (mockingly to Dr. Venture, Jr. through the forcefield) Yeah, all right, hi! I see you! Go to hell!

Hank: We build a gun made out of pennies!

Ghost of Abraham Lincoln: Exactly! Wait, no, that's insane!

Dean: How? How?

Hank: What are you, an owl? He can make it with his magic!

Ghost of Abraham Lincoln: For the last time, Hank, I'm a ghost, not a genie.

Lincoln's Ghost: Oh, FDR. He was a real president. I loved to watch him sleep. Weight of the world on his little polio shoulders. The depression. World War Two. He slept like a baby. Now that is a clear conscience. This Breyer guy, though, he's the worst president I've ever seen!

Lincoln's Ghost: My Lincoln sense is tingling! Manstrong's making his move!

Lincoln's Ghost: (diving at Manstrong) Here comes the Rail-Splitter!!

Doctor Venture: (seeing replay of crashing Gargantua-1) I knew it! Told you this clown was no hero. He just blacked out in the middle of a hand job.

Lincoln's Ghost: Someone's playing with his Lincoln Log!

Dean: (to the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln) You're still here. Shouldn't you have crossed over?

Doctor Venture: Apparently stopping my bodyguard from beating up a repressed masturbator just isn't enough to get you into Heaven these days. Go figure.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Kills

The Monarch continues to rebuild his villainous empire with the aid of his shadowy new Number 2, Dr. Henry Killinger, but #21 is suspicious of the deadly foreigner’s unctuous charms. Meanwhile, as Dr. Orpheus attempts to exorcise a Japanese demon from Dr. Venture, a mysterious woman from Doc’s past resurfaces...and she’d kill to find out where Hank and Dean are.

Dr. Killinger: What you need is a second-in-command who understands the intricacies of organized villiany. This I can offer you.

The Monarch: Perfect! You're hired, number...

Dr. Killinger: Number Killinger. Doctor Henry Killinger. And this is my Magic Murder Bag.

#24: Oh, that's right! Come on in! Don't knock or anything. After all, I only live in a cocoon with 80 guys and no women. So there's NO chance I'd be masturbating...

[H.E.L.P.E.R. beeps a comment while "When the Levee Breaks" is playing.]

Brock: Jock rock my ass! Listen to those lyrics, man. That song's about love, and longing.

[H.E.L.P.E.R. responds.]

Brock: Yes.... and hobbits. Look, it's a metaphor! They wrote about a lot of other stuff! Ahh, why am I arguing with a robot?

Myra Brandish: [Dives across the room, grabs a shotgun] Hush-a-bye!

[Hank awakens tied up on a dirty old mattress inside an abandoned motel room.]

Hank Venture: Well isn't this new and different!

Dr. Venture: Wait a minute... you're trying to get me into the sack, aren't you?!

Dr. Orpheus: (genuinely taken aback) I beg your pardon?!

Dr. Venture: Always tagging along, wearing the tights, the jewelry... 'Let me get my big gay cloak and I'll join you!'

Dr. Orpheus: I'm trying to help you!!

Dr. Venture: Help me out of my Speed Suit!!

Dr. Orpheus: Master! Master, are you here? I have need of your counsel.

The Master: Oh, Orpheus, you’re going to love this, check me out.. I’m Catherine the Great’s horse. It's to teach you a lesson about biting off more then you can chew! My partially-lovely assistant, Miss Manyface, will be playing the part of Catherine.

Miss Manyface: Hi.

The Master: Enough with the chatter. Get under there...Don't wince!

Dr. Orpheus: Master, far be it from me to question your symbolism, but I'm pretty sure the whole "horse" thing was an urban legend...

Dr. Venture: Listen, sorry about earlier...I don't know what came over me, and besides, this 'Giant Floating Head' thing.

Dr. Orpheus: Apology accepted. Just...stay on your side of the bed! [Trying to Joke] Tiger!

[An Awkward Silence]

Dr. Orpheus:...Yes.

[Another Awkward Silence]

Dr. Venture: Wanna go halfsies on a skin flick?

Dr. Orpheus: 'Kay.

#21: You can silence me but there will be others. Semper Fidelis Tyrannosaurus!

Dr. Killinger: It's Sic Semper Tyrannis. You said, "Ever faithful terrible lizard."

21: I did? Cool.

Dr. Girlfriend: Well, I hope you're as good at fighting as you are at talking.

#21: Hell no, look at me! You're the weapons expert. [Watches her defeat the Black Guard effortlessly.]

[Dr. Orpheus is trying to check out of a motel in his usual attire, and meets the catsuited owner, Myra Blandish]

Dr. Orpheus: Isn't it a bit early for a costume party?

Myra Blandish: Why, are you throwing one, Dracula?

Dr. Killinger: (to the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend) Love is not private. Love is to be shared. I've locked you in. Neither of you may leave until you have reached compromise. Good luck, and may love show you the way. [opens his umbrella and begins to ascend toward the ceiling] Say goodbye to all your pretty children for me.

Dr. Girlfriend: Do you understand what he's saying?

The Monarch: Like... half the time.

Dr. Killinger: (out of frame) My umbrella is stuck on something. I require assistance.

Dr. Killinger: Compromise, my friend, is the essence of diplomacy, and diplomacy is the cornerstone of love. [Singin] Sweeeeeet looooove.

¡Viva los Muertos!

When Dr. Venture finally succeeds in attaining the holy grail of superscience, the revivification of a human corpse for fun and profit, a washed up gang of wandering former teen sleuths is convinced that the Venture Compound is haunted. Their investigation uncovers something far creepier. Meanwhile, Orpheus shepherds Brock through a crisis of conscience with the help of a New Age shaman and a bizarre tea party.

[A POV shot of a Monarch Henchman's goggles. A strike force assembles by a crevasse near the Venture Compound]

#21: (to the POV) Hey, Texas! Ya staying frosty?

[POV nods in agreement]

21: Good! Get your game face on, 'cause that's the Venture Compound! We lost a lot of good men trying to take that place...

[#24 appears]

#24: Why are you wasting your time talking to the new meat? 9 in 10 don't even last a month.

Dr. Orpheus: [To Brock] You and I have shared a toasted cheese sandwich more than twice!

Dr. Orpheus: Who Is Hector Molina? And Why do they keep sending me his Junk Mail?!?

Dr. Orpheus: Don Rio is a transcendent multidimensional genius, Brock. His every word an onion of infinite leaf! His every Pearl - [Is violently sick into a bucket] - Oh. Yes. This is coming on now.

Brock: Hey, you know what? I think I... I feel a little bad about killing that guy.

Dr. Orpheus: [Brock's POV, he is shimmering wildly as Brock begins to hallucinate] Yeees, my friend, a splendid first step indee- [Is sick again]

Ted: C'mon Sonny. Mystery.

Sonny: Fuck your mystery, man...I...I'm sick!

Ted: [holds up a prescription bottle] Sonny... bet you'll come out for some Groovy Treats.

[Sonny scrambles out of the Mystery Van and falls in the mud, to the amusement of the gang]

Brock: It's bad, Doc, real bad. The boys saw their own clones. I think they're in some kind of... saw your own clone...coma.

Dr. Venture: More power! I must have more power! Look Brock, his fingers! They're twitching!

Brock: Yeah, well, stuff will do that if you shove a gigavolt up its ass.

Dr. Venture:: No, he's alive! ALIVE I tell you!

Brock: Uh, sure Doc.

Patty: I don't know about this, Ted...

Ted: Patty, if God didn't want us to solve this mystery, he wouldn't have had us run out of gas here.

Patty: But...what's the Mystery?

Sonny: Hey, Y'know, we're not out of gas, man...We got a five gallon tank in the back of the...

Ted: [hits Sonny] Why do you hate God so much?

Sonny: I don't hate God, Man...

Ted: Well, God thinks you hate him, and that's just as bad as hating him. So how about you and Groovy go and start looking for some clues!

Sonny: Clues to what? What is your trip?

Ted: [Upbeat] Clues to why I don't chain you to the back of my van and roadhaul you until you're nothing but a pelvis - wearing a belt!

Groovy the Bloodhound: Guy's pissin' on your lawn, man.

Groovy the Bloodhound: Painted lips!... School-girl outfits!... And zer pretty hair, Sonny... zer hair needs to be punished, Sonny...

Sonny: Would ya give it a rest, Grooves?

Groovy the Bloodhound: Start doing zer Master's bidding! Yer already filthy wiz wrath and sin!

[Looking at a globe]

Hank: Where the heck did they put African America?

[Upon discovering the room filled with slug clones of the Venture Brothers]

Ted: You're not ghosts! You're the fucking Boys from Brazil!

Dr. Venture: Brock, I need dead people. Lots and lots of dead people.

Brock: Uh-huh.

Dr. Venture:I already got 12 from the henchmen you killed, not counting the black guy without the head, but we need like, uh, 100 something. We need like a full gross of dead people.

Brock: Right, and, uh...where are we gonna get all these dead people?

Dr. Venture:Well, I thought, seeing how you are... you know, you and all, maybe... you could go out and--

Brock: No.

Dr. Venture: --make some...

Brock: No.

Dr. Venture: ...dead people.

Brock:No.

Dr. Venture: Well, fine. Thanks a lot for not helping.

Brock: Anything else?

Dr. Venture: HELP ME GET DEAD PEOPLE!

Dr. Orpheus: [Referring to Venturestein] Is that man dead?

Dr. Venture: Uh, no.

Dr. Orpheus: Once again Mr. Venture you leave decency to the quick and leave her to die in prostitute ally!

Venturestein: Prostituuuutes!

Brock: Why's he gotta cry like that?

Hank: I think you scare him.

Brock: Well, I'm not the one who froze his corpse or nuked him back from the Great Beyond to be a half-dead short bus seat warmer.

Brock: Yeah, he was just this guy... guy in a butterfly suit who got in over his head. And I could see it in his eyes that if I let him get away this one time he'd never come back...but then, I also thought...y'know...Kill 'im. What kind of way is that ta -

Shaman: Quanto! (Begins to Mumble)

Shaman's Interpreter: Wuh - one time, I am in the Amazon, on my canoe, and I see, swim, the dolphin, the, uh, the beautiful dolphin, and I slip out of my canoe, and I grab her, this...fish...(Shaman mimes a penis penetrating a vagina, placing one finger through two looped together)...and, uh, then I fucked it... the fish!

Brock: The Hell's that got to with anything?

Shaman: Kayho Hadaile!

Shaman's Interpreter: Hot dolphin!

Brock: [suddenly realizing] You're an idiot!

Dolphin: You see, Brock Samson, we're all one. We all share the same need for shelter, warmth, fulfillment. The secret of happiness lies not in conquest, but in empathy. Em...Pa...Th-

[The dolphin is speared in the back and ripped out from under Brock, then drawn up into the belly button of what appears to be a very large and very naked woman, though her face is obscured]

Brock: Wooooaaah. Better dolphin!

[The 'Woman' Leans forward, revealing 'Her' true face]

Col. Hunter Gathers: Samson!!

Brock: Hunter?!

Hunter: What is all this namby-pamby feel bad about good wet work bullshit?! You're beyond good and evil, Superman! You work for the government.

Brock: What about uhhh, humanity and empathy and all that garbage?

Hunter: Who cares? You're going to special ops heaven.

Brock: Really?

Hunter: Really! And it's god damned great! [He flies upwards, clutching Brock to him] The G-Man Valhalla! There's trim and guns everywhere. And we eat steak flavored clouds and poop secrets!

Brock: [Hugging one of Hunter's gigantic Breasts] But you're not even dead. You're a woman!

Hunter: And you're a tool, boy, a tool! Built for a single purpose by the United States of shut your third god damned eye for a good fucking reason! You can't teach a hammer to love nails, son. That dog don't hunt!

[Brock awakens]

Brock: DON'T! HUNT!

[The Groovy Gang are fleeing Venturestein when they run into Brock]

Ted: NO! Another one!

Brock: DON'T HUNT!

Ted: Not so fast, los—[Brock grabs his arm] Don't shoot me!

Sonny: Mine is the sword of Michael! [the gun fires, shooting Sonny] I'm bleeding all over!

[Brock head butts Ted, killing him]

Sonny: [dying] I'm so cold, man...I'm so fuckin' cold.

Showdown at Cremation Creek (Part I)

The Monarch finally (for like the fourth time) has Team Venture in his clutches at the one time he doesn’t want them – smack dab in the middle of the social event of the supervillain season. The stage is set for a deadly, ultimate showdown between The Monarch and Phantom Limb for the hand of Dr. Girlfriend.

(Dr. Orpheus is firing magic bolts at Torrid, who teleports a foot away just before each blast hits him)

Dr. Orpheus: It's like playing Keep Away with the neighborhood spastic! I can't get a bead on him!

Dr. Venture: (To Dr. Girlfriend, flirtateously morose) I brought you something blue.... me....

Phantom Limb: Revenge, like gazpacho soup, is a dish best served cold, precise, and merciless.

The Monarch: Yeah, yeah, you can never have enough precision in your soup...

Phantom Limb: I think we're all done here. Her shit's by the door in a box marked 'hers'.

(The Alchemist is holding a giant eyeball in front of his head)

The Alchemist: Hey, look! I'm in The Residents!

The Alchemist: I've got snacks, fancy beer, and some chips guaranteed to be... extreme!

Dr. Orpheus: (Amazed) How is that possible...?

The Alchemist: I don't know, by putting a lightning bolt on the bag.

[The Alchemist enters wearing a flamboyant shirt]

Jefferson Twilight: Al, what is that? I need earplugs just to look at your shirt.

The Alchemist: But being a magic super hero that keeps chasing the same guy? It’s completely gay. That is coming from a guy that voluntarily has sex with men!

Hank Venture: Why would you do this?

#21: What, be a henchman?

Hank: Yeah. Retardo costume, some skinny guy yelling at you all the time.

21: Dude, are you describing me or you?

Hank: I don’t wear a costume.

21: What, are you drunk? Where do you even buy a baby-blue kerchief? Heh - I just said “kerchief. Dude! What, does your dad use his time machine to go shopping?

(#24, nursing a bad hangover, is escorting Dean through the Cocoon corridor)

Dean Venture: Are the walls titanium or made of secret rocket ship metal?

#24: What? Who ca-.. Uh.. I know they're wicked easy to stain...

Dean: (trying to impress 24 with his knowledge) Hm. We can rule out chromium-based metals. Those clean nicely with a damp cloth!

24: (exasperated) All right. I'll... "rule that out."

(awkward pause)

24: So uh... You, uh, like being a uh...

Dean: ..A Dean?

24: Yeah. A Dean. That must kind of uh... suck...

21: I always wanted to get a tattoo, but you know, that shit is permanent.
24: Ah, he never had the balls!
21: Guilty! But then this Cowardly Lion got some courage from The Wizard of Booze, we went in there! And -- stand by..."

(Henchman #21 turns and vomits on the floor)

(Phantom Limb's helicopters descend on The Cocoon seconds before the priest declares The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend man and wife)

Phantom Limb on Video screen: Monarch, this is the Phantom Limb. You are surrounded.

The Monarch: OH! DICK MOVE!

Hank: (Faking Russian accent) Hello-ski, I am, how you say...Russian-guy-o-vich!

[various henchmen are crawling around in pain, there are bachelor party decorations torn up on the walls]

Henchman 24: Oy, he's gonna kill us. Maybe if we beg for mercy.

Henchman 21: Oh god, let him. It would be such sweet release from this torture we've brought upon ourselves. Oh fuck it, you kill me. Just don't hit my head or make too much noise doing it.

Brock: I have an idea, chunk. :[the camera pans over to reveal Brock is in a holding cell] You open this door and I'll kill ya.

Henchman 21: What. Did. We. DO?!?

Henchman 24: Oh shit, I thought I dreamt that part.

Henchman 24: Oh my God. Is that - ?

Brock: [Snarling] David...Bowie.

David Bowie: Brock Samson. It's been a while.

Brock: I should kill you for what you pulled in Berlin.

[Iggy Pop and Klaus Nomi jump in front of Bowie, acting as his bodyguards]

David Bowie: You're welcome to try.

[At The Aisle]

The Monarch: [Gasps] There she is! [Whispering] Hi, Pookums!

Dr. Venture: You know I feel so dirty, when they start talking cute.

The Monarch: Get used to it!

Dr. Venture: I should tell her that I love her... but, that point is probably moot.

The Monarch: ...Are you reciting "Jessie's Girl"?

Showdown at Cremation Creek (Part II)

As Phantom Limb makes his stunning power play, only Brock can rally The Monarch’s forces to mount a defense. The fate of almost everyone in the Venture universe hangs in the balance as The Sovereign reveals his true identity and guys and stuff explode all over the place.

Henry Killinger: I wish you both very much luck in your life together...what's left of it.

Phantom Limb: Monarch! What say you?

Monarch: I say what kind of Loser can't get the hint that he's been dumped?

Phantom Limb: So it's okay for you to kidnap her, but when I do it I'm a Loser!

(The Cocoon is being attacked)

Brock: Hank!

Hank: I'm cool!

Brock: Okay. Try not to die! Go find your brother, we're leaving.

(Dr. Girlfriend is being taken to Phantom Limb by Klaus Nomi and Iggy Pop)

Dr. Girlfriend: (To Klaus) What are you... supposed to be from The Future, or something? (To Iggy) And YOU! Put a SHIRT on, for God's sake! [To Phantom Limb] Where do you get off siccing your two stooges on me?!

Klaus Nomi: I wasn't in The Stooges

(As the Guild choppers begin the attack on the Cocoon)

Cocoon Navigator Engines online!

The Monarch: BOOK!!!!

(The Cocoon is escaping Phantom Limb's Forces)

Doctor Venture: So...it's a cocoon...that flies...

The Monarch: Obviously!

Doctor Venture: I just realized...that makes no sense.

The Monarch: Duh! Monarch! Butterfly, butterfly cocoon, it's a theme thing!

Doctor Venture: Yeah, I get it, but why didn't you just make it shaped like a butterfly?

The Monarch: (The Monarch leans over and looks at Doctor Venture) Because that's gay?

[A Sullustan summoned by the Order of the Triad is flying them to the Monarch's cocoon in the X-1]

Alchemist: I can't help you not save the Ventures from the kiddy seat. Why does creepo get to drive?

Dr. Orpheus: [working with his seatbelt] I'm not the one who summoned him from a trading card.

Alchemist: Point of order: I wanted to kill him. Because I bet he's abomination or something. And isn't there some sort of code about that or something?

Dr. Orpheus: Unless he is made from dead people, it's still technically murder. Nice try. Got it! It was all crammed into the cushion.

Jefferson Twilight: [waking up] What if he gets hit by a car and he's half-dead? I had this dog once that never...

[The Sullustan launches the ship]

Dr. Orpheus: I hope he knows where we're going.

Alchemist: I hope he couldn't understand what I said about him.

(During the battle, a mortally wounded henchman crashes into Brock's arms)

Dying Henchman: I'm... sorry. I let... you down. But th-these past five minutes under your command... have been the proudest... in my... caree... (He goes limp)

(Brock, totally unmoved, callously pitches the corpse into the turbine of a nearby Guild chopper. The turbine seizes in a gush of blood and the chopper plummets downward)

Iggy Pop is sent outside the Helicarrier to Smoke]

Iggy Pop: Dang... frickin' cold, man...

[The Cigarette he pulls out bears the face of his former Master, David Bowie]

David Bowie-Cigarette: Hullo. I'm David Bowie.

[David shapeshifts back into his old body and clobbers Iggy with a right hook]

David Bowie: Make way for the Homo Superior!

(Dean, in a hallucination, frees child orphan laborers and begins destroying the engine they were powering)

Dean: Run, orphans! Be free! And have your own room! And maybe not have to live in fear of costumed guys trying to kill you all the time! And there are no yetis freaking out on you or, like, putting you on a rocketship! Run to a place where your father won't make you get in a fight with a venus flytrap that walks and, with a gun!

(The Monarch's joystick stops working)

The Monarch: What's going on? I've got no go here!

Cocoon Navigator: Um, here's something. We just lost power...like, uh, all of it.

The Monarch: Where'd it go?

Cocoon Navigator: Oh, oh, I don't know...uh, somewhere? Uh...it's not in the engine.

The Monarch: What?!? Someone get down to engine room and find out what the hell happened!

Cocoon Navigator: Oh no, no way...that place is spooky.

Doctor Venture: You...pay these people?

The Monarch: (quietly) Uhhhh, you wanna...see my escape cocoon?

Dr. Girlfriend: I'm fine! I was pinned under... I think it's Phantom Limb's leg...

The Monarch: Give it here! I want to kick his smug, limey face in with it.. (Monarch notices David Bowie moving into earshot as he said "limey") ....oh.....

David Bowie: Well, gotta run, luv! (kisses Doctor Girlfriend) Villainous coup to squash; Strangers to execute; you know how it is! Congratulations to you both! (shape changes into an eagle) Ta!

(David Bowie transforms into an eagle and flies away.)

Brock: Doc, you’re OK.

Doctor Venture: I swallowed a gold filling during the crash, so we have to hook up the metal detector to the toilet again. What did we miss?

Hank: The guy from Labyrinth turned into a bird!

21: So The Sovereign recorded Station to Station?!
24: And ChangesOne? I love that album!
21: Could you be any more of a poseur? ChangesOne was a "best of"!

Insect King: No! not the ring of power! It's the only thing that can steal my black heart.

Dean Venture: Eat it!

[Dean begins randomly stabbing the Insect King]

Insect King: Ow-eeee that fucking hurts! Ow! right down to the thorax, Dick! But it missed my Black heart.

Dean Venture: Die!

[Dean severes the Insect King's arm and leg]

Insect King: Ow, dude stop already, you're not even aiming for my black heart!

Dean Venture: I vanquish you!

Insect King: Aaahh and those are reproductive organs! Will you take the fucking hint and stab me in the heart already?!

Dean Venture: I got it! Your evil black heart is where your power comes from!

Insect King (feigning chagrin): Oh no, you have learned my terrible secret!

Monarch Henchman: Come on! Come on! I wanna go with you guys!

The Monarch: Fuck off! It only seats Two! Two!

(Interior The Monarch escape pod)

The Monarch: Wooo, you're insatiable, woman. Now that's one myth about married life we can scratch off the list, huh?

Dr. Girlfriend: Ya...You...know I nev..I never actually said I do.

The Monarch: Well you never said you don't.

Dr. Girlfriend: Well there's something else I haven't said, It, uh, it might change things.

The Monarch: Is it Let's go again? 'Cause I'm gonna need a few...

Dr. Girlfriend: No, okay...deep breath, Sheila, you've been rehearsing this...

Dr. Girlfriend: Monarch, I'm....

The Monarch: (angrily) WHAT!?

Shadowman 9: In the Cradle of Destiny

After their short honeymoon, the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend are captured by the Guild to face questioning by the Council of Thirteen related to the traitor, Phantom Limb. Much of their history as villains is also revealed. Meanwhile, Dr. Girlfriend's Murderous Moppets takeover the Monarch's henchmen to rebuild his cocoon fortress.

[The Monarch's henchmen are standing in the remains of the cocoon]

#24: Well, they're gone. Now what the hell do we do?

#21: We forge our own destiny. We are as ronin — wandering samurai without a master.

Tim-Tom Moppet: Wrong. We're your master now.

21: What? Says who? Who died and put you in charge?

Tim-Tom Moppet: Need we point out the obvious? Kevin...

Kevin Moppet: Henchman #2, front and center! [everyone looks around] Okay, #3, step forward. Henchmen 4, 5, henchman 6...

Tim-Tom Moppet: You see? Bet there isn't even anyone here over, what, an 18? Whereas Kevin and I were Dr. Girlfriend's number 2s!

24: Our numbers are ranks?

[Dr. Girlfriend and the Monarch are being interrogated by the Council of Thirteen in separate rooms]

Dr. Girlfriend: You can't do this to us. Where's the Monarch?

Councilman 1: You will see him soon enough.

Councilman 3: Only after the Guild of Calamitous Intent is satisfied. You know why you are here.

The Monarch: No clue! Few hours ago I was in my floating escape bed- repeatedly consumating my marriage -and the next thing I know your super creeps are blindfolding us and dragging us here to get shot at!

Councilman 9: This is the way these things are done.

Councilman 8: And in light of recent events we need to be sure we can trust you.

Dr. Girlfriend: Trust us? You were the ones who promoted him all these years.

Councilman 3: There's no reason to get defensive.

Councilman 2: We just have some questions for you; tell us about the traitor Phantom Limb.

The Monarch: I know he wears an awful lot of purple for a white guy. What else you wanna know?

Phantom Limb: Behold! [he drops his pants to reveal his invisible legs]

Dr. Girlfriend: What...happened to your legs?

Phantom Limb: What do you know...of evil?

Dr. Girlfriend: Why? You...'eviled' your legs?

Phantom Limb: Evil is misunderstood. Society slaps our wrists and tells us to simmer down while she wages her murderous wars, destroys our planet, and prays to the mighty dollar.

Dr. Girlfriend: And then she made your legs invisible?

The Monarch: Oh man, if that shows up on YouTube...I...I'm serious, what kind of torture is this? Couldn't you just drill my teeth or shove bamboo under my nails or something?

Councilman 9: This is not a torture, Mr. Monarch.

Councilman 8: It is an interrogation.

Councilman 7: Or a trial of sorts.

Councilman 9: I always say, it's a crucible.

Councilman 8: Oh, that's way cooler.

Watch: Welcome to the Citadel of Attribution. My name is Watch. I will be the only human face you will see, speak to...and enjoy.

Dr. Girlfriend: Okay...

Ward: [walking in, eating chips] So that's Lady Au Pair.

Watch: Dude, get out of here. She's not supposed to see anybody but me.

Ward: Really?

Watch: No, I'm making that up. Yes, really!

Ward: Oh, should I put on my hood?

Watch: Forget it. She already saw your face. You might as well stay.

Ward: Good.

The Monarch: W-wait. Did that video have a wipe?

Councilman 2: Councilman 3 got Adobe Premiere.

Councilman 3: Was it too showy? I thought it would make it more lively.

The Monarch: And why did you change the music??"

Councilman 4:: Pardon...?

The Monarch:: A man remembers what was on his car radio when he taps his future wife. That was not the song.

Councilman 4:: Oh, we couldn't afford the rights.

Councilman 5:: Einar's lawyers were ready to sign, but Bjork's lawyers wouldn't budge!

Manotaur: I retired from all that villain-ing crap!

Phantom Limb: No-one ever retires from the Phantom Limb's shit-list!

The Doctor Is Sin

Dr. Henry Killinger: I am Doctor Henry Killinger and this...is my resume.

[Dr. Orpheus is trying to read Dr. Killinger's mind]

Dr. Henry Killinger: Your powers are useless on me, you silly billy.

Dr. Venture: (somberly) Brock... am I a bad person?

Brock: Doc, what the hell just hap...

Dr. Venture: Am I, Brock?

Brock: (pauses, then rocks his hand in a "kind of" gesture) Ehhhh......

[After his weapon mis-fires]

The Alchemist: I swear, this has NEVER happened before...

Master Billy Quizboy: [reading] "Notice of hostile takeover"? Venture— what a dick! Wait, we're not even a publicly traded company.

Pete White: Oh, FYI, I issued some shares back when we needed cash for the Nintendo Wii.

Dr. Henry Killinger: You will never be able to reach your full potential until you first confront your deep-seated fear of success. Now get into the bag.

Dr. Venture: What's in it?

Dr. Henry Killinger: Only what you take with you.

Dr. Orpheus: Have you not the eyes to see what he is doing? I've touched his mind! His is the way of the serpent and the apple. He seduced your employer with the poisoned promises of a Faustian covenant, giving with one hand as he macerates your souls with the other! We must stop him at once!

Dr. Venture: What the hell am I signing, a zeppelin?

Dr. Henry Killinger: A most sacred pact: membership in the most elite brotherhood, mit exclusive arching rights.

Dr. Venture: Didn't have to go through all this hooey to get my first archenemy, but what the hey? Did you pick me a good one?

Dr. Henry Killinger: No, you did.

Dr. Venture: [Looking at the video-screen What...my brother?

Dr. Henry Killinger: Bingo! Isn't it perfect? It's a classic Cain-und-Abel story.

Dr. Venture: But...but he can't arch me, he's not even a super... [The reality dawns on him] Oh, my God, this is...but I'm not a...

Dr. Henry Killinger: Aren't you? Is this not what your heart was trying to tell you in your visions? Sign it. Make your blood feud official! Act now! Venchmen are standing by for your order!

[Dr. Killinger appears in the stars and quotes from Shakespeare's "As You Like It."]

Dr. Killinger: All the vorld's a stage, und all the men und women mearly players. They have their entrences und exits, und one man in his time plays many parts. His acts being seven ages...

[General Manhours appears with him.]

Gen. Manhours: Heheh, you said it, Killer! And you can read more about it in The Bible!

The Invisible Hand of Fate

Billy Quizboy: White, I just remembered something...

Pete White: What?

Billy Quizboy: Everything...

Pete White: Hello, Goldilocks? This is Casper. Little Nemo has fallen out of bed.

Myra: How could you just leave like that without telling me where you're going?

Dr. Venture: You're not my mother, you're my bodyguard.

Myra: How can I guard your body if I can't be close to your body?!

Dr. Venture: Oh, God, barkeep, where is that Suffering Bastard?

Bartender: I'm looking at him!

Recorded Voice: Please do not be alarmed. We are about to engage... the nozzle. Please do not move while the nozzle is engaging. Moving will disrupt calibration of... the nozzle. Please wait while we calibrate... the nozzle. Please do not look away from... the nozzle. The nozzle is now calibrating. (long pause) The nozzle is still calibrating. The nozzle has completed calibration. Thank you.

Shore Leave: Oh, and Hunter, Wayland Flowers called, and he wants his Madam back. BOOM!

Col. Hunter Gathers: Yeah? Well, the Village People called, AND THEY WANT YOU TO GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, YOU PRANCING BASTARD!

After an insulting encounter with OSI agents in flamboyant costumes, resembling the Village People.

Col. Hunter Gathers: This place has gone to hell in a ham sandwich since they eighty-sixed the dress code.

Brock: Just keep it up, Billy. We're getting some excellent intel out of you!

Billy: What intel? I've been here a day! I haven't done any spying yet!

Col. Gathers: Sure you have! That new eye of yours? It's actally a 3-D laser-matrix holographic camera! (indicating Billy's mechanical hand) And this little pud puller stores all the data!

Billy: You guys wired me?

Col. Gathers: Are you kidding? Why, you're a walking wire! And right now, you need to walk back in there and do you God-given duty! There are no free hands in this business, son!

Prof. Fantomos: (covering when Billy is at the door) I'm...sorry, Sheila, but if I extend the deadline for one student, I'd have to extend it for all of them.

Sheila: Well, thank you anyway, Professor Fantomos.

[Billy finds out that the O.S.I. has been doing his homework for him so he is free to spy.]

Billy: But that's cheating!

Col. Gathers: Cheating is what the spy business is all about, boychik. Why, if we don't keep our eyes on our neighbor's paper, the baddies get the bomb and the whole world goes kablooie! You keep thinking you're here on the G.I. Bill or something, kid? YOU ARE NOT HERE TO WRITE ESSAYS! You're not even in college! You are in the Office of Secret Intelligence, you damn, dirty, crybaby FREAK!

Home Is Where The Hate Is

As the Monarch and Dr. Mrs. the Monarch settle into their new home and a new, no-more-arching-Dr.-Venture-anymore life, Dr. Venture receives an unorthodox introduction to his new Guild-assigned nemesis, which quickly lands him in the center of the deadly web that is the suburban supervillain community.

Dr. Girlfriend: What the hell are you doing?!

The Monarch: I'm pretending I'm Farrah Fawcett making her big comeback. What do you think I'm doing? I'm not gonna sleep in the bed you pleasured Phantom Limb in. I'm burning the bed and—what are these, Little League trophies, and all these self-help books?

Dr. Girlfriend: Well, sell them! Do you have to burn 'em, it's insane!

The Monarch: You know what's insane? The fact that you slept with a guy who read The Secret You want the Secret? Your ex-boyfriend's pathetic. (whispers) Shh, don't tell anyone. Secret.

#21: Could you sign this, boss? It's for 24, he got knifed by the Moppets.

The Monarch: Which one is 24 again?

21: What?! You're kidding, right? Let me give a hint: you know how every time you talk to me, there's usually another guy next to me. That's 24.

The Monarch: Right, right, right, the one that sounds like Ray Romano. I like him.

[Sgt. Hatred leaves the Venture Compound after introducing himself and says goodbye by pulling a gun and shooting Dr. Venture.]

Brock: (advancing on Hatred) Hey, hey!!

Sgt. Hatred: Woah, rubber bullets, rubber bullets! Just keepin' it lively! It's not all charts and schedules and...

[Hatred and Brock look down to see Dr. Venture curled up and bleeding profusely.]

Sgt. Hatred: Man, he's a delicate one, isn't he? They don't usually break the skin like that. (into his comlink) Malice Troop!

Malice Troop: Sir?

Sgt. Hatred: Yeah, we got a bleeder here. Eighty-six the non-lethal. We're goin' full Nerf on this one!

21: Hey! How ya feelin'?

#24: Like a dwarf stuck a knife in me. How do you think I feel? Didja bring my.... magazines...?

21: No, but I brought something way better! I got somebody here who came to cheer you up!
24: (excited) He remembered??

(Dean, wearing a ridiculous Patch Adams costume, enters the room)

Dean Venture: Hey there, glum chum!

21: (struggling not to laugh) Well, I'll leave you two to catch up!

Dean Venture: Good idea! This area is officially quarantined. Because smiles are contagious!

24: (tersely, to #21) I HATE you...

(Sergeant Hatred's guests are playing a party game where they have to guess the celebrity name written on a tag on their back, based on comments from other guests.)

Female Supervillian: You are married to a powerful man...

Dr. Girlfriend: Uh... Mrs. Hulk Hogan?

Female Supervillian: No. Let's see... you are famous for your pink dresses and pillbox hats...

Dr. Girlfriend: Uh... me?

(later)

Tuxedo-wearing Supervillian: I loved you in "Fire Walk With Me," but most know your work from...

Brock: (obviously very bored) Yeah, fine, whatever. (Pulls off his own tag and reads it to the room) I'm Harry Dean Stanton!

(everyone checks their tags)

Dr. Girlfriend: Huh? Who the heck is.... Jack-a-leen Oh-nass-is?

(The Monarch during Sergeant Hatred's party game)

The Monarch: You're a brainless failure and live entirely off your father's name and fortune!

Dr. Venture: I'm George Bush?

The Monarch: Hardly! I've never never hated anyone as much as you!

Dr. Venture: Oh wait wait. Hitler? Did he have a famous father?

The Monarch: Worse! Washup! You should just admit that you will never amount to anything and drink, poison!

Dr. Venture: Oh is it... uh... Socrates son?

(After Brock ends the game)

Dr. Venture: Ahh of course, Mariah Carey. So close. Seriously, I would have gotten that.

[Everyone is playing Charades. Dr. Venture flaps his arms wildly like a chicken.]

Dr. Girlfriend: Um..."Birdman of Alcatraz!"

The Monarch: "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!"

Dr. Girlfriend: Um...let's see, bird...

The Monarch: We know he's a bird! He's been doing the same thing for five fucking minutes! Okay, my God! Go to the next word! Give me a "sounds like!" YOU'RE KILLING ME!

The Buddy System

Dr. Venture, in a bid to make some much-needed money, opens up the compound as "Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers." But while the children are kept busy with activities like judo lessons from Brock and quizzing with Master Billy Quizboy, the Monarch sends in the Murderous Moppets to spy on his former arch-nemesis.

Opening Title Text: Camp size has been estimated based on a survey conducted in 1978. All camps created after cited survey have not been taken into consideration. Rusty's day Camp is a privately owned camp. Therefore any and all children residing on the premises are to be considered trespassers. Rusty's Day Camp holds the right to prosecute any or all trespassers that do not uphold the rules and regulations stipulated in the supplied document entitled "I'm A Good Day Camper".

Dr. Venture: Hey, kids! It's time for adventure - at Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers! The largest privately-run day camp for budding super-scientists in the area! Learn adventuring from pros like Action Johnny, Master Billy Quizboy, and of course, me - Rusty Venture! Star of the "Rusty Venture" cartoon! Tell Mom you need excitement! Tell Dad you need a cashier's check! And we'll see you there - at Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers!

Dr. Venture: [as the Moppets pass by] Some people just shouldn't breed. Those're some ugly kids.

Brock: Kids? You're kiddin' right? They're achondroplastic dwarves.

Dr. Venture: And they're almost as good as you or I and they deserve this camp as much as any kid here. You're such a racist.

Brock: They're not really a race, doc.

Dr. Venture: Will you listen to yourself, Hitler?

Dr. Venture: Hank! Stop calling me pop! If these kids find out that their hero has had sex their heads will explode!

Hank: But I wanna show my new friend-

Dr. Venture: This isn't all about you, Hank. These kids wanna see Rusty Venture. Maybe when there's a cartoon called 'The Venture Brothers' it'll be different.

Pirate Captain: We can't all be famous adventurers, but that doesn't mean you have to be out of the adventure game all together.

Day Camper: You mean becoming supervillians?

Pirate Captain: Shiver me timbers, no! I'm talkin' about the "rubber mask" set. The Little Guys.

Day Camper: Do we get to wear cool costumes?

Pirate Captain: You betcha do. If you run a museum, you get yourself a glowin' suit of armor. You wanna protect your gold from meddlin' kids? You might try a Ghost-Miner-Forty-Niner. Look at me, I look like Johnny Depp!

[The boys cheer excitedly]

Pirate Captain: Oh, and that's not all. Sometimes you get to hang out with people who were famous once, like Cher and the guy who did the voice for Inspector Gadget.

[The Order of the Triad put on a safety sketch...]

Jefferson Twilight: Killin' Blackulas with a sword is cool. But you know what's really cool? Safety!

Dr. Orpheus: The Order of the Triad have many strange and mysterious enemies!

The Alchemist: Enemies...of safety!

Jefferson Twilight: One of our enemies is invisible!

Dr. Orpheus: And he can enter any home through the ground! He's waiting for you right now in the basement!

The Alchemist: His name is Radon! And he will give you lung cancer!

Jefferson Twilight: Lung cancer? But, Al, I don't smoke!

Dr. Orpheus: Of course you don't, Jefferson! Because smoking is more evil than the hoary denizens of the Underworld! And if you did smoke, we'd know it. Because we have a SMOKE DETECTOR in every room!

The Alchemist: With fresh batteries! Remember: if your smoke detector doesn't work, the silence...

All: Could be deadly!

[They bow. As they look up, they notice that all of the children have gone.]

Jefferson Twilight: When did we lose 'em?

Dr. Orpheus: That was my fault. I really hit them with that "radon" part.

The Alchemist: We never get to my song!

Action Johnny: How many you have fathers? Show of hands.

[All of the children, save one, raise their hands.]

Action Johnny: Hey, kid. Why's your hand not up? What, no father? You don't look like Jesus, bro!

Kid: My daddy died. While I was sleeping.

Action Johnny: Oh, well you had a father. So now you're fuckin' free, man! C'mon, I wanna see those hands up! *gasp* Wait a minute. Action Johnny's hand isn't up! Does he not have a father? NO!!! Fathers are loving and caring and protective men, and I don't have one of those! But who cares, man? (breaking down) Who cares, who cares, who cares!? Maybe I did kill the dog! Maybe I was the Lizard Man who stole your precious serum! You loved that serum more than you loved me!! (falling to his knees) FATHER!!!! FATHER!!!!!

[Brock and Dr. Venture watch from a distance.]

Brock: I liked him better when he was strung out. Poor bastard.

[On the tram ride...]

Dr. Venture: We're going to use The Buddy System. The person seated next to you is your buddy. Everyone say, "Hi, buddy!"

Boys: (doing so) Hi, buddy!

Dr. Venture: If you touch something that melts your fingers off, tell your buddy! If you get a face-full of burning hydroflouric acid, it's your buddy who drags you to one of the many eye wash stations!

[Dr. Venture and Billy Quizboy are confronted by a giant gorilla...]

Billy Quizboy: Don't move! They can smell fear...

Dr. Venture: Can they smell urine?

Billy Quizboy: That's like liquid fear!

[Master Billy Quizboy has been mauled by a giant gorilla...]

Billy: I jettisoned the hand and got away, but...I wasn't alone in there. (holding up a child's shoe) We lost one!

Dr. Venture: Well, where was his buddy? He had a buddy, they all had buddies!

Billy: Rusty, I just saw a little kid get disemboweled!

Dr. Venture: Well, you always wanted to be an adventurer! Not like answering trivia, is it, boy?

Tim-Tom Moppet: (gleefully) A hit, eh? You want us to make 'im suffer? Or just end it, quick and quiet-like?

Brock: Nah, nothin' permanent... just, like, give him a little taste of fear. I guess you can break something small... like a toe...

Tim-Tom Moppet: We can take out his tongue..

Kevin Moppet: (with relish) With a knife!

Tim-Tom Moppet: Or remove 'is 'eart...

Kevin Moppet: (with great relish) Yeah, with a knife!

Tim-Tom Moppet: A bigger knife!

Kevin Moppet: (with greater relish) Fucking knife!

Brock: (a touch uneasy) Yeeeeahhhhhhh.... you guys....are....kinda creepy. I think this may be a stupid idea.

Tim-Tom Moppet: How'dwe do, mum?

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Great! My little moppets were perfect like always! Come give your lady a hug.

She squats down and hugs them to her large breasts

Tim-Tom Moppet: (leering at her breasts) I like yer new costume, mum...

Kevin Moppet: (also leering) I like huggin you in your new costume....

Pans back, showing both of the Moppets lecherously rubbing her back

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Ok you two. Time to stop...

Dr. Quymn, Medicine Woman

(Dr. Jonas Venture greets Co. Gentleman and his wife at the door.)

Col. Gentleman: Col. Fun has arrived! (taking the drink from Jonas's hand) Ah, you read my mind. I need a stiff one in me after that car ride. Never let a woman drive your Aston, Jonas. This one handles a stick like it's got herpes!

Ms. Quymn: Who knows, with all the strange garages you park it in...

Dr. Jonas Venture: Ms. Quymn (he kisses her hand)

Col. Gentleman: More like Ms. Bollocks baster. If she won't take my name maybe she'll take a smack in her smart mouth!

Ms. Quymn: Try me.

Dean: Hank, are you listening to me?

Hank: Actually, uh, can you keep it down? I'm trying to write a song for the girls.

Dean: Would you get with the program? We've got a mystery to solve!

Hank: Well then we should team up. With the girls!

Dean: We can't! They're ... they're suspects.

Hank: Then solve it tomorrow or something. Man, what's your hurry?

Dean: What's your slowy?! You've gone soft on me, Henry Allen So-Called-Venture! You used to be all 'Go Team Venture!' but now ... now you're all 'Go Team ... b- Boobies!'

[Dr. Venture and Dr. Quymn are about to make love.]

Dr. Venture: Looks like I found my cure for impotence after all! Now if I could figure out a way to bottle that ass, I'd be a multi-millionaire!

Dean: Dr. Quymn is the wereodile!

Dr. Venture: She's- oh my god! I almost fucked a wereodile!

Dean: We have to stop her transformation before she kills us all! (he picks up a chair and begins to hit Dr. Quymn with it over and over)

Dean: The power of Christ compels you! (Ginnie springs into action and pushes Dean away)

Ginnie: Stop it you little asshole! She's not a wereodile, she's an epileptic.

Dr. Venture: Ew!

What Goes Down, Must Come Up

Dr.Orpheus: I fear this is beyond our combined powers. I must seek guidance from The Master! Wait here, please.

Alchemist : Oh c'mon! We're supposed to be a team. How come we never get to see this all-knowing guy with you?

Jefferson Twilight : Yeah, tell the truth is it because you're embarassed of us. Its because he's gay, isn't it? (points at Al)

Dr.Orpheus: No, its because you soiled yourself...and because he's gay (disappears in smoke)

Jefferson Twilight: Damn it, Orpheus! I almost had that bloodsucker. Aww, now I got the blue balls in my blood eye.

Jefferson Twilight: I go where the blacktion is.

Jefferson Twilight: (bitterly) You're not my mama. She was taken by marauding blackulas when I was 10.

Dr. Entmann: And let me tell you somethin' about ants! You know that whole "Ants can life a hundred times their own weight" thing? It's a myth! Think about it. What's an ant weigh? Like, nothin'. What nothin' times a hundred?

Brock: Uh...nothin'?

Dr. Entmann: It's nothin'!

Dr. Orpheus: Perhaps I should cast a spell of protection on the machine.

Jefferson Twilight: No! No magic! Remember what happened last time? I'll be damned if I'm gonna walk outta here in Aquaman Underoos!

Tears of a Sea Cow

Dr. Dugong: Man seeks a good time, but he is not a hedonist. He seeks love! He just doesn't know where to look. He looks under the beds of whores and in the hot stem of a crack pipe. He should look to nature! Gentle aquatic mammals have all the answers!

The Monarch: (upon seeing Dr. Dugong for the first time) Ugh, you're all flesh-colored and...how much Thalidomide did your mom take?

Dermott: You guys are sad. Why'd he decide to leave you here in the first place?

Hank:' Something about the conference having hot, desperate women.

Dean: And we had a bad run-in with the hot lava men of Tanga Island, so I can imagine how dangerous their women get when they're desperate!

The Monarch: I had true hatred with Venture. I didn't have to fake it! That sweet loathing just poured out of me whenever I saw his pathetic face. I just...I just wanted to kick his ass! I wanted to build a machine to kick his ass! I wanted to build an empire to house the machine TO KICK HIS ASS!

Henchman 24: Then, by God, let's go take a dump in his pool!

Henchman 21: Dude I can't believe we didn't get blown up. We're like those guys on TV who never get shot. Yeah we're like main characters.

Henchman 24: Don't jinx it! See anything?

Henchman 21: No I can't see squat with these tinted goggles on.

Henchman 24: Douche, use the night vision. What's wrong with you? (he hits 21 on the side of his head and 21's night vision goggles turn on)

Henchman 21: I can see everything! This is so cool, when did we get these?

Henchman 24: Like, 1994.

Henchman 21: Why don't I know this stuff?! Hey this is so rad. It's like Blair Witch-o-vision. Those kids' eyes look all glowy.

Henchman 24: What kids?

Henchman 21: Those two right over there!

Henchman 24: What are you doing, get them!

Kevin: Why can't we get a straight answer?

Tim-Tom: I just saw mum's clean panties.

Kevin: Oh, when she was crouching? I tried not to look. Were they-

Tim-Tom: They were white panties, Kevin. White.

Kevin: (sighs) White.

(Henchman 24 chases and tackles Dermott, who immediately starts to cough on him.)

Henchman 24: What the hell are you doing?

Dermott: I'm givin' you my earth germs! *cough, cough* I'm gonna kill you with my cold. *cough* Die, alien!

Henchman 24: I'm not an alien, dillweed. I'm a henchman! And you're not a Venture Brother. Who the hell are you?

Dermott: I'm Hank's friend.

Henchman 24: Yeah, I doubt that.

Dermott: Would you believe I'm... Brock Samson's long lost son?

Henchman 24: If that were true, I don't think I would have caught you this easily.

Dermott: I couldn't run because ...I had a lighter up my ass.

Henchman 24: Ok, NOW I believe you're Hank's friend.

Henchman 21;: If I had a lady like your wife, I'd be with her right now and I'd be brushing her hair and then we'd explore our feelings.

The Monarch: If you had a lady like my wife, you would be in an alternate future where dogs talk and birds have human pets.

Now Museum, Now You Don't

Action Man flies in, guns blazing.

Action Man: Actiooooon!

He violently guns down several henchmen.

Action Man: Action! Action! Action!

Col. Gentleman: Rodney, what the hell are you doing?

Action Man: What!? I'm winning the day!

Col. Gentleman: Well take it down a notch! I mean, Ook-Ook's a mindless savage. And even he knows when to pull his punches!

The Pirate Captain walks in on Sally Impossible while she's getting out of the shower. They both scream, and Sally's skin turns invisible, revealing her musculature. The Pirate Captain screams and runs out.

Pirate Captain: Oh, man. This is all kinds of uncomfortable. On, like, a couple of levels!

(Ned jumps into the rear seat of Professor Impossible's aircraft)

Ned: Ya! Super-car go! Go car!

Action Man: I can't believe you slept with...Killermanjaro! I had no idea he...

Col. Gentleman: Neither did he, 'til the day he tried to ambush me in the middle of a threesome with Gore Vidal and Wally Schirra.

Brainulo: (telepathically) You fantasize about conquering... the mother from Growing Pains?!

Pete White: Oh, yeah, that episode where they showed her in the bathtub?

Dr. Venture: This is gonna be one of those things, isn't it?

Brock: Uh-huh.

Dr. Venture: I mean, you get a bunch of short-fused, costumed idiots together in one room like this, and what do you think's gonna happen? Any minute now, stuff's gonna start blowing up, guys'll be throwing each other at other guys.

Brock: Yeah, probably.

Dr. Venture: You know, when you're not the one in the middle of it all for once, it's actually totally, completely obvious.

Brock: Welcome to my life.

The Lepidopterists

Ned: I FLYEE!!! BIG HAPPY SMILE!!

The Cocoon's lightning cannon seems to have actually invigorated Ventronic

The Monarch: (disappointed) Ohhh! Our lightning cannon SUCKS! Who loaded it with robot food?!

The Monarch: What the fuck is that thing?

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Ummm, I think it's a giant robot with a ice cream cone for one of its arms. I think.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: I gotta ask this, is there a reason why you are always using 21 and 24?

The Monarch: I know it sounds crazy, but they both have the rare blend of expendable and invulnerable that makes them the perfect henchmen.

(Admiring Scaramantula's classic death ray cannon)

Brock: Aww no fuckin' way! Late 60's ultra death ray! She's amazing! Saddle operated with Doom-code gearing. Freakin' gorgeous.

Mr. Cardholder: If this were a woman, I'd marry it.

Mr. Doe: And I'd jeopardize our friendship by nailing your hot wife.

Brock: So you just wanna kill the Monarch? You want to shoot him, and his wife? You could take his cattle, burn his village down.

Ward: The Guild of Calamitous Intent is antagonist relations only.

Jonas Venture Jr: So who handles the good guys?

Watch: Whoa! (offended) I think the less hurtful term is protagonists.

Jonas Venture Jr: Oh. Yes. Sorry. Who handles the protagonists?

Ward: What, are you serious? OSI! Duh!

Jonas Venture Jr: Can you patch me through?

Ward: Oh, sure. (laughing) Just let me get my red phone! The hotline!

Watch: No, I'll shine the OSI signal!

Ward: No no, if we really believe, click our heels together and-

Jonas Venture Jr: Okay, okay! I get it! (hangs up)

Ward: Newbie. Did you see his creepy little body?!

Watch: Oh my god, when you were a kid, did you ever make G.I. Joe hump Rainbow Brite ?

Ward: Yeah.

Watch: He's what their kid would've looked like.

Mr Doe: (holding out his hand) Jonas Venture Jr?

Jonas Venture Jr: (folding his arms) I am. And who are the dead men I'm speaking to?

Mr Doe: That's a joke.

Mr Cardholder: Regular cut-up.

Mr Doe: Should give him a reality show.

Mr Cardholder: I'd watch it.

Mr Doe: I'd watch it twice.

Mr Cardholder: Even if Flava Flav was in it.

Henchman 21: Listen dude, don't get cozy with us. You're the guy who doesn't come back.

Henchman 24: Yeah, some guy who just shows up that nobody's ever seen before!

Henchman 21: And he's all professional- Yeah, dude, you're a goner.

Henchman 24: (putting his arm around Henchman #1's shoulders) Let me tell you a story about a little henchman named Speedy...

Henchman 21: You still don't get it. 24 and I have been on, like, a thousand missions. We've been shot at, dipped in acid...

Henchman 24: Brock Samson hit me with a car. Drove right into my kidney. Here I am!

Henchman 21: Yeah, we can walk across this floor and nothing would hit us. But then like this huge log would swing down and take your head off.

Henchman 24: Hey, here; what's your name?

Henchman 1: Henchman number 1.

Henchman 24: See, you are nameless.

Henchman 1: I'm Scott Hall, my name is Scott Hall. Okay?

Henchman 24: No, won't help.

Henchman 21: Yeah, now it's just pathos. So you're dying in my lap and I'm all "Scott! Scott don't you quit on us! Don't you dare!!"

Henchman 24: You just made your unavoidable death more pathetic.

Henchman 21: (pause) Fuck it. (begins walking across a laser tripwired floor) Nothing's gonna happen to me.

Pirate Captain: (after getting shot with tranquilizer darts) Oooohhh...It's like gettin' sucked off by an angel!

ORB

(Kano holds young Rusty, who is aiming a sniper rifle, on his shoulders. Col Gentleman sits by, wounded.)

Col. Gentleman: That thing is gonna kick like a badger, so you have to re-level quick. Aim for the bastard's neck. Hold 'im up there, Kano! I don't care if he wets himself and your head; that boy is gonna see somebody die! And if he doesn't want it to be his father, he'll have to pull that trigger!

Dr. Venture: This isn’t an invention, it’s a responsibility. We need to study this, and if we find that it will help mankind move peacefully forward, then we shall share its teachings, because we are not only men of science, we -

Billy Quizboy: We ... are men of hope.

Dr. Venture: How'd you know what I was gonna say?

Billy Quizboy: Come on! Your dad said that at, like, the end of every episode!

Col. Lloyd Venture: I'm sorry. I didn't know we were out of options.

Fantômas: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was sarcasm day.

Col. Lloyd Venture: I'm sorry I wasn't aware of your delicate constitution.

Fantômas: I'm sorry you smell like spoiled fruit.

Mark Twain: Fantômas has a point.

Col. Lloyd Venture: How dare you, sir! Why, I smell of freshly cut flowers!

Col. Venture: Samuel, the orb is a source of untold power! We must take our time and learn how to harness that power for the good of mankind!

Fantômas: Woah there, the orb is ours. The guild will decide what is best for mankind!

Oscar Wilde: For shame! This guild was founded to protect and serve man at his best, not to be a guild .. of calamitous intent!

The Alchemist: Alright. Let's start again. Get me a dictionary.

Pete White: But we have the internet.

The Alchemist: I don't wanna play World of Warcraft. Get me a regular dictionary. (talks to himself aloud) Ugh, internet. It's only good for finding out that your boyfriend is sleeping around. Friggin' MySpace. What, I'm not supposed to look at his friend's comments? They're right on the first page! It's hardly snooping!

Kano: ORB? Master Rusty has found ORB? (laughs) Did he find it under the couch while looking for change?

The Family That Slays Together, Stays Together (Part I)

(The Monarch, Dr. Girlfriend, The Moppets and 21&24 ride in the Monarch Mobile to storm the Venture Compound.)

Dr. Girlfriend: I wanted to take the cocoon.

The Monarch: That just what Venture expects us to do. But he won't expect this! You and your two best men, me and my...men. We keep it slim. Elite forces!

Dr. Girlfriend: Great. One of your "elite forces" is playing Tetris on his cell phone, while the other is peeing into a grande chai latte.

21: God, I wish! It's like there's a vice on my wing-ding! You guys gotta stop talking so I can get in the zone.

(Brock confers with Hunter Gathers, now a post-op tranny working at a strip club)

Brock: (to Doc) I'll only be a minute. Will you just wait out in the X-1 with the boys?

Hunter: You came in the plane? You call parking a supersonic jet in front of a titty-bar inconspicuous?! Who taught you to be a spy, fucking Gallagher!?!

Brock: I'm gonna need some wheels.

Hunter: (climbing onto the table and thrusting his crotch in Brock's face) You can take mine. But you are not gonna like looking for the keys!

Brock: Damn it Hank, if we get out of this alive, I'm going to kill you myself!

Hank: Na-ah, you don't have a license to kill anymore.

The Monarch: Alright, let's review [the game plan.] Moppets?

Tim-Tom: Locate the Venture Brothers.

Kevin: And kill them!

The Monarch: Subdue them.

Tim-Tom: Cut their bellies...

The Monarch: Subdue their bellies. Dr. My Wife?

Dr. Girlfriend: Locate and seduce...

The Monarch: Subdue! Come on!

Dr. Girlfriend: Sorry. Subdue Brock Samson.

The Monarch: Good! Henchman 24?

24: Locate and subdue the Venture robot.

The Monarch: Subdue? You can kill the robot. It's a robot! Henchman 21?

21 does a "pee-pee" dance with a pained look on his face.
21: What!? Dude, I gotta pee so bad, it's backing up into my kidneys!

Brock just laid down two tracks of oil slicks -- Herr Trigger skillfully drives his motorcycle between the two slicks.

Hank: (glibly)...didn't work...

Brock: (irritated) I KNOW!

The X1 takes a hit from a SAM fired by Herr Trigger

Brock: BUSEY!

Everybody instantly fastens their seat belts.

Holy Diver: Let's kick Trespass-ass!

Jean-Claude Le Tuerer: (as he strangles Brock) You cut your hair?? Why you do zis? You had such a cool look!

Brock and Le Tuerer are battling in the next room, which Dr. Venture mistakes for Hank and Dean rough-housing

Dr Venture: This is why daddy has to DRINK to RELAX, boys!

Hank: Well, when I was my age, I jumped off my roof, in a Batman costume. I think. I might have just dreamt it.

Dr. Girlfriend: (taking Sgt. Hatred's handie talkie-shaped cellular phone) That's a big cell phone.

Sgt. Hatred: I'm a big boy!

The Family That Slays Together, Stays Together (Part II)

Doc Venture: Hey I've seen things that would make your head spin!

Sgt. Hatred: Oh yeah. Well I've seen a guys head spin, like right off his neck. Why? Because I punched him!

The Cleaner: Well, this is as far as I go. There's a rental car waiting for ya, quarter-mile south of here. Keys and a new I.D. in the glovebox, Cochise. Good luck to ya, man.

Brock: Yeah, I uh... I only got one problem with that plan... Hank never called you! (draws out his knife and places it against the Cleaners neck.)

Brock: Well, I gotta admit for a disguise, it's pretty good. Hardly recognized ya.

Molotov: Wha-what dis... I'm off duty.

Brock: Haha. That's-That's how you dress when you're not catwomaning around?! I may have to rethink this whole relationship.

Hank: Who is that hoodrat Brock's talking to? He can get any shorty he wants!

Blood of the Father, Heart of Steel

Brock: Hey Hank. Killed Hitler.

Handsome Ransom

Dr. Venture: Shit! It's Chuck Scarsdale! Hide or we're gonna be on the news!

(Monarch is in Wonder Boy's costume which traumatize Captain Sunshine.)

Captain Sunshine: Take. That. Costume. Off!

The Monarch: Whats the matter Captain Fun Time? Isn't this what you always wanted?!

Captain Sunshine: What are you talking about?!

The Monarch: Wouldn't it just fix everything twisted up inside of you if you can only fuck Wonder Boy and your worst enemy at the same time, huh? Well come and get us!

A Very Venture Christmas

Dr. Venture throws a Christmas party for many of his friends, but the party goes awry when Dean and Hank find Dr. Orpheus's spell book. Meanwhile, the Monarch has hatched yet another plan to kill Dr. Venture, this time involving a nativity scene booby-trapped with C4 explosive.

The Monarch: Phew. We almost lost one of our agents. Granted his specialty is pretty limited, but he's an irreplaceable element of my sexy new plan to destroy Dr. Venture!

Dr. Girlfriend: What plan?

The Monarch: Oh... well. It was supposed to be a surprise. For you. For Christmas.

Dr. Girlfriend: Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve, that's a gift for me?

The Monarch: Well, I got you some stocking stuffers too...

Dr. Girlfriend: Unbelievable! The selfishness!

The Monarch: Well you hate him too! Or were you just lying on our first date!?

Dr. Girlfriend: (groan) So, what's the big plan?

The Monarch: Hah! I'm glad you asked! Behold!! (a scale model of the Venture Compound rises from the ground) Tiny Joseph has managed to slip into the Venture Compound and cleverly booby-trap it. At the strike of midnight, Dr. Venture will place his precious porcelain baby Christ in its manger, oh, and when he does, it will set off a series of explosions that will deck his halls with bowels of Venture!

Dr. Girlfriend: (sighs)

The Monarch: What?

Dr. Girlfriend: That model was supposed to be a surprise.

The Monarch: (sheepishly)...I peeked.

Dr. Venture: Spirit, tell me, is this my grave?

Brock: (removing his hood) What's it look like, genius?

(Brock and Dr. Venture are discussing gifts for the boys)

Brock: Well, Hank's covered but I'm having trouble with Dean, he's a little--

Dr. Venture: More effeminate?

Brock: (concerned) --tougher to shop for!

Dean: (in Dr. Venture's dream as a Jack-in-the-Box) Why didn't he wish me a merry Christmas? Nobody wants a Dean-in-the-Box!

Hank: Oops, baby Jesus is out of the manger!

Brock: Wha? (quickly checks his pants zipper)

Master Billy Quizboy: Hold the phone. Total babe alert, twelve o'clock.

Pete White: Oh yeah, I know her type. Watch and learn, Wilhelmina.

Billy: Okay, one: you're totally gay. Two: she's hot, and you're an albino. And three: you're totally gay.

Triana Orpheus: Dad, I can take care of myself, you know.

Byron Orpheus: I'm sorry, pumpkin. I trust you to defend your honor. It's just that... MY PUMPKIN'S MAIDENHEAD IS NOT A PRIZE TO BE...

Triana Orpheus: DAD!

Dr. Venture: Ooh, Orpheus. I wasn't expecting you to show up. Didn't think necromancers believed in Christmas.

Dr. Orpheus: Well, the whole affair is about as real as Kwanzaa, or uh, the Wookiees' Life Day, but I find it charming.

Hank (to Dean): That gay albino is hitting on your not girlfriend.

Doctor Venture (after the Krampus licks Triana's face): What kind of kinky christmas spirit is that?!

Doctor Orpheus: It is Germanic in origin.

Dr. Venture: That's ridiculous! There's no such thing as Santa Claus!

Dr. Orpheus: Not since he was killed by a jet in 1963, no. Nor has there been a Krampus since the pope cast him into purgatory during Vatican II. But your boys seem to have inadvertently released him from his chains.

Hank: Dean did it! I wanted to read the Grinch!

[The Krampus is sodomizing Dr. Venture]

Dr. Venture: Brock! Come in Brock!

Brock: Hey, Fancy-Pants...I've been naughty. [tackles the Krampus] Comin' in MY HOUSE, ON CHRISTMAS! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS, YOU CHRISTMAS PIECE OF SHIT?!

(after crashing in Bethlehem)

Dr. Venture: So what do we do here, Brock?

Brock: Well, that all depends. If the Israelis get here first then we might have a chance, I know some guys in the Mossad. If the PLO shows up, well, my Arabic's a little shaky.

Dr. Venture: Are you kidding? Did you forget? This baby [the X-1] runs on pure plutonium, they're gonna love us!

Dean: And after all, that's what Christmas is all about!