Robot Chicken
Topics
Robot Chicken
Quotations
Robot Chicken is a series on Adult Swim that uses stop motion animation to make small sketches based on current events, or ad-libbed situations based off of pop culture.
(channel flip to an orange Teletubbie-like character smoking a cigarette)
Prowl: This is the spot. The Decepticons are using the dam below to stockpile Energon cubes.
(Starscream and Thundercracker are piling up Energon cubes against the dam as Megatron watches on.)
Optimus Prime: Megatron must be stopped! Autobots, transform and roll... Whoa, hold on a second! (runs off to the bathroom, leaving Prowl, Jazz, and Mirage just standing there, then returns at the sound of a toilet flushing)
Prowl: Are you okay?
Optimus Prime: Let's get 'em!
(The Autobots open fire on the Decepticons, making the Energon cubes explode. Then Prime, Jazz, and Prowl start kicking Starscream while he's down. Later, back at Autobot Headquarters, Prowl and Ironhide are both having a shower, while Grimlock whips Bumblebee with a rolled-up towel.)
Optimus Prime: Good job everyone! (tosses Bumblebee a towel) Megatron was defeated with only 50 humans killed in the crossfire, a new record!
Autobots: Hooray!
(Prime runs into the bathroom.)
Ironhide: Hey, Prowl! Have you noticed how often Prime needs to drain the lizard nowadays?
Prowl: Yeah! He must be French, cuz he's-a-peein'! (laughs)
Ironhide: I think that joke goes "You're-a-peein'!"
Prowl: (laughs) But... I'm not.
Ironhide: Ugh, such a Retardicon!
(The sound of passing water is heard from the bathroom.)
Optimus Prime: Uh-oh!
(Prime visits Dr. Ratchet at his medical clinic.)
Optimus Prime: I didn't think going to the bathroom so often was a problem. But just today, I saw blood in my urine!
Ratchet: Ewww! Well, I'd better have a look. (shoves his gloved fist up Prime's prostate)
Optimus Prime: Ow! Whoa! Using the whole fist, Doc?
(Ratchet and Prime are now sitting in Ratchet's office discussing the test results.)
Ratchet: It's what I feared: prostate cancer, and it's advanced! I'm sorry Prime, but you're going to die!
(Prime is now laid out on a hospital bed, with a window view of the birds, which Swoop eats. Ironhide, Bumblebee, and Arcee visit Prime and give him flowers. Arcee cries and goes off with Ironhide to be comforted. Bumblebee tries to hold Prime's hand, but Prime just pulls it away to look at a signed photograph of Spike Witwicky and cry while holding it. Then, Prime dies, all the Autobots cry, and Prime transforms into a casket. We now cut back to Ratchet's medical clinic, where the 20th Anniversary Masterpiece Optimus Prime is sitting down in a chair talking to the audience.)
Optimus Prime: Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. What you've just seen was a dramatisation of what you, your friends, and your family go through if you don't get regular prostate exams. Now we Transformers don't have organic internal organs, and can't get cancer. But you do, and you can!
Jazz: So get your ass checked out before it's too late, turkeys!
Voiceover: This has been a message from the Cybertronian Medical Association.
(getting a prostate examination) It, uh, it burns when I pee.Optimus Prime: (pops into the scene) What did I just tell you?!
[After Mrs. Santa turns into a snowflake and falls into Goku's hands]
[after Hitler's footage of his constipation ends the war]
["Heroes with Time Machines"]
[Yawns.] Good morning! What are we going to do today, Corey Feldman?Corey Feldman: Same thing we do every day, Corey Haim. We save the world.
[Both get dressed and put on hair gel.]
Corey Feldman: Let's go start the day!
Corey Haim: Yeah!
[Both ssitting on a couch flipping through channels.]
Mel E. Kazurowski (News Anchor): This just in: President Bush's daughters are missing in action after the helicopter carrying them to a USO tour event crashed in Brazilian Rainforest. The military released the following video tape just prior to the crash.
Jenna Bush: Wooohoo! It's a party! Aaa-whoo!
Barbara Bush: My dad's the president!
Pilot: Ms. Bush please I can't see.
Barbara Bush: Suck it!
Pilot: Look out!
Corey Feldman: Two presidental daughters! That's one for each of us.
Corey Haim: Feld-dog, let's roll.
[They exit their house in a van that goes into a jet.]
Corey Haim: Coordinates are locked in.
Corey Feldman: Let's punch it.
Corey Haim: Woo!
Corey Feldman: Yeah! Let's go, go ,go, go. Whoa, this is tight! This is tight!
Corey Haim: That's what it would be like if we had the Corey Van and the Corey Jet.
[They get on a bus.]
["96 Hours Later"]
Corey Haim: Listen to me! We should have Corey Rocketpacks!
Corey Feldman: Hey Corey I've got an idea for ya. How about a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up!
Corey Feldman: Hey barkeep, nice frosty cola right here.
Corey Haim: Two straws please.
Barkeep: We don't surve your kind here.
Corey Feldman: Our kind? You mean Americans?!
Barkeep: No I mean anyone who's ever been on the cover of a teen magazine. Like Ba, Tiger Beat, Teen Beat, Cosmo, Grrl, J-14...
Corey Haim: Hahah, boy, didn't you pick the wrong two Coreys. He-he-hey hey guys, listen we don't want any trouble and I don't think you do either so...
Guy: To the contrary. Trouble is what you now have because we are giving it to you.
Corey Feldman: Wait! Wait hahaha just wait. Now we're going to tear it up.
Corey Haim: Yeah, Lost Boys style!
[The Coreys get beaten up by the gang but one bumps into Dustin Diamond and he takes them all out.]
Corey Feldman: Wow! Thanks for helping us douche...ah...Screech.
Dustin Diamond: The location of the Bush daughters is here and now I must return to my Muay Thai kickbox training.
Corey Feldman: Why would you help us?
Dustin Diamond: Because I too am a former teen idol. [giggles.]
Corey Feldman: Ah no, actually you were more like a second, third banana on a B-rated kids show but hey whatever you say.
[The Coreys arrive at a small shack.]
Corey Haim: What the hell is this place? Is this the place? Could this be the place? I'm going in either way so...
Partier: Love shack baby!
Corey Feldman: Yo! Presidental babes!
Corey Haim: We're here to rescue ya!
Barbara: Rescue us? You can go straight to hell!
Jenna: Yeah we're finally free!! Free to partay!
Barbara: Woo!
Jenna: Ah-ah. We're never going home! Woohoo.
Corey Haim: Look Feld-dog, if we can't bring them home, we can't be heroes.
Corey Feldman: Well Haims, looks like we gotta rely on our one true skill.
Corey Haim: Whoa wait, you're not talking about the thing we do with our taints right? Are ya?
Corey Feldman: No, Corey. Acting!
President Bush: Even though Corey Haim and Corey Feldman couldn't be here today, I want to thank them for bringing my precious daughters home.
[Shows The Coreys dressed up as The Bush Twins. Feldman as Jenna and Haim as Barbara.]
President Bush: I hereby declare that anyone who hates the Coreys, also hates America.
Corey Haim: Hey Feld-dog, Feld-dog. What happens if they find the real Bush Twins, man?
Corey Feldman: F-fat chance!
[The Bush Twins are shown in a crate inside a warehouse, full of other crates, being pushed by a guy while the Bush Twins are yelling.]
Barbara: Let us out!
Jenna: Damn you to hell Corey Haim and Corey Feldman!
Barbara: My dad's the president. I'm gonna get you buried in oil and then I'm going to get my dad to invade you!
Jenna: Actually I will get you hurt. Yeah how'd you like to get your ass kicked by Hali-bu-burton or Haliburton?!
Barbara: Haha haha. Gee Jenna we're like old apples tied up to a bag of (bleep)!
Jenna: You suck!
Barbara: I...ah...I gotta go to the bathroom!
[a man is fleeinga vampire in his car, he turns to look in his mirror and because he cannot see the vampire's reflection thinks he's fallen off]
[brakes hard causing the vampire to run into the back of the car and collapse to the ground]
[throws the car in reverse running over the vampire's face, not crushing it]
[Speeds forward, the tire peels skin off the vampires face and drags the corpse behind the car]
Palpatine: [His phone rings] Go for papa Palpatine.
Operator: You have a collect call from - [Vader's voice] Darth Vader.
Palpatine: [Sighs.] Oh, I-I gotta take this, hold on. Vader! How's my favorite Sith? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just, slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? Fuck! OH, FUCK!, FUCK! FUUUCK! Who's "they"?! What the hell is an "Aluminum Falcon"?! [Sighs.] Okay, okay, s-so who's left? Are you shitting me? Well where are you? Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Oh, you must smell like...feet...wrapped...in...leathery...burnt...bacon. Oh, oh, oh, I'm, I'm sorry I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have--do you have any idea what this is gonna do to my credit? [Phone rings.] Ah, hang on, I've got another call. [Switches line.] What?! I'm very busy right now! Oh. Oh, we-well where're they going? Oh. Alright, um, just get me a turkey club. Uh, cole slaw, I guess. I-I'm not even gonna eat it. W-w-what're you getting? No, see, I always order the wrong thing. No, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Okay, bye--wait, what? Oh, a Cherry Coke. Thanks. [Switches back to Vader.] Sorry about that. [Sighs.] What? Oh-oh, "just rebuild it"? Oh, real fucking original. And who's gonna give me a loan, jackhole, you? Y-you got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here or I'm gonna tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about "Padamamay" or "Panda Bear" or whatever the hell her name was! Oh geez, he's crying! Ha, ha...hey, hey, hey, hey, c'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just, just, look, ah, y'know, I'm dealing with a lot of crap right now. Eh, Death Star blown up by a bunch of fucking teenagers, y'know? I didn't mean to snap. Oh, oh, j-just get back here. Okay, okay, bye. I-I-yeh-I...I love you too.
[scenes change to Jonny as he recovers, he is fed by his girlfriend, he tries to walk, stumbles, but begins walking again, eventually, he leaves the hospital; scene change back to the wrestling arena, a banner says "Welcome Back Johnny!"]
[scene change to the office, Captain Planet runs by]
[scene changes to Pan-Global Oil Headquarters, where two senators are talking.]
[Buck Rogers comes in]
[gets gun out and starts shooting at the aliens]
[Wipe fade to Wilma Deering and Twikky having a conversation]
(Timmy wishes he were a girl)
(Zach wishes they'd die, and they do)
(scene starts in USS Enterprise Montgomery Scott or Scotty arrives at the bridge in USS Enterprise)
[while deciding who gets to beam off the ship]
[the whole crew on the planet looks to the Red Shirt Crewman to eat first]
[black screen, you hear four phaser shots; shows the Red Shirt Crewman eating Kirk's arm]
[In a hospital]
[The show cuts to a separate bit]
[The channel changes to a screen featuring the words (And now a message from the bees) read by another announcer.
[A snail is slowly chased by a "police snail" with a siren and light on it's shell and holding a megaphone]
[Lightening strikes Robot Number Five]
[walks downtown]
[Townspeople scream in terror]
[Breaks glass of jewelry store]
[Police shoot at Robot]
[Shoots machine gun through his stomach]
[Dog barks at Robot]
[Grabs the dog with a harsh grip on dog killing and bleeding the dog]
[Robot sleeps on ground with dog in hand]
[Police start shooting]
[Seth, as a zombie, smashes through window and starts to eat Keith's brains]
[Mike and Matthew run towards the elevator, zombies coming after them]
[A little boy is brushing his teeth in his bathroom as a green monster pops out of his toliet.]
[The little boy shakes his head no.]
[Ents running past a little girl.]
[A massive rain storm is falling on the Smurf Village]
[Cuts to several beavers. One has it's head stuck in a bucket, one is hiting it's head against a tree and one is humping another beaver. Suddenly the crappy wooden dam, just a few logs piled haphazardly across the river, breaks.]
[Smurf village is shown flooded, with Smurf bodies floating in the water.]
[News footage shows bodies, two smurfs holding up a sign that says "Smurf Fema" before a hawk swoops in and grabs one of them and a smurf looting a T.V from an appliance store.]
[Cuts to Gargamel's home, who is watching Anderson Copper on TV.]
[Begins to look around surprised]
[Brainy starts crying.]
[Gargamel is scooping up dead smurfs in a fishing net.]
[Gargamel is cutting up smurf bodies, putting them in blenders and pulling out a bowel of smurfs from the oven.]
[Gargamel is at the dinner table]
[Takes a bite of the smurf meal and immediately has a disgusted look on his face. He then takes the plate of smurfs over to the garbage can throws them away.]
This table's long, but it should be round
King Arthur can't hear a sound
When a knight tries to talk
That brother's gotta walk
'bout half a freakin' block to be heard
Can't hear a word
'cause this table is so absurd
Us knights got much to discuss
But this table's ridiculousBalki: Don't be ridiculous
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Belvedere can't hear
"Yo, can you pass me some beer?!"
Sir Belvedere: Say what?!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: It's twenty feet by eighty
Can't even flirt with ladies
Better have long arms when you're havin' a meal
If you're trying to cop a feel
We need a new proportion
To bring our kingdom fortune
I got an idea that might work for ya
I'm-a make this mother circular
Sir Galahad!
Sir Galahad: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Percival!
Sir Percival: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: You wanna hear the others talk?
Knights: Hell yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Bring it in, sit it down
It's like King Arthur's crown
Table be round! Table be round.
Now with this circulation
We can have nice conversation
Verizon guy: Can you hear me now?
Sir Percival: I can hear!
Sir Galahad: Holy cow!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Make every knight say...
Everybody: WOW!
King Arthur: Now you know that we cannot fail when we're looking for the Holy Grail
Sir Mix-a-Lot: 360 on the parameter
You know hos like diameter
Knight: Bumping this with the circumference
All: Table be round!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: [bleep] I'm never gonna need money anyway. Where you win this shit, shootin' dice? Come on, man. Come on, man, the hell wrong with you? Crown-wearing mother[bleep]. [bleep].
{Note: This is also part of the Massage Chair episode
Junk in the Trunk [1.1]
- George Bush: My name is George W. Bush and I approve this message.
- [Cut to a picture of a taco]
- George Bush: Tacos rule.
- Rachael Leigh Cook: [holds up an egg] This is your brain... [holds up a frying pan] and this is heroin. This is what happens to your brain on heroin. [sets down egg, and smashes it with the pan] And this is what your body goes through, but it's not over yet. [smashes dishes] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR GRADES! TO YOUR FRIENDS! [smashes cat] TO ALL YOUR STUFF! [smashes TV screen] WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PROFITS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S BAKE SALE! [smashes an old lady; runs outside] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO WORLD ECONOMY! [smashes trash can; kicks a nearby mail box before smashing it] AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GIVES YOU HERPES SIMPLEX A!! AND YOU END UP GETTING A STUPID TATTOO OF A UNICORN! [begins smashing a van a bunch of times setting off it's car alarm] ON YOUR LEFT ASS-CHEEK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BITCHIN' FIREBIRD, BUT YOU WERE TOO STRUNG OUT TO NOTICE AT THE TIME! [runs away, and home runs a puppy; police surround her]
- Police Man: We just wanna help! [gets his face smashed, all the cops jump Rachael]
- Rachael Leigh Cook: [smashes all the police men away] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO FAMILY VALUES! [on a building ledge] AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO THE POLLEN COUNT! [smashes the buildings wall] Any questions? [people look at her with confused expressions] ANY QUESTIONS?! [hits herself off the building]
(channel flip to an orange Teletubbie-like character smoking a cigarette)
(getting a prostate examination) It, uh, it burns when I pee.
- Man 1: I am so hungry!
- Man 2: Hi Mr. Hungry, may I call you So?
- Jerry Poppendaddi: There's nothing like some tasty bamboo, especially when you're Ling Ling, who's traveled all the way from China to visit... um... ah... I'm sorry, I just don't feel safe next to this animal.
- Cameraman: It's completely harmless, Jerry.
- Jerry Poppendaddi: Er, ah, are you sure? It's just that... ah... alright...
- Cameraman: Still rolling.
- Jerry Poppendaddi: There's nothing like a nice piece of bamboo... ah... when... Crap!
- Cameraman: Stop being such a wuss.
- Jerry Poppendaddi: I-I-I... it's... fine. Fine!
- Cameraman: Rolling.
- Jerry Poppendaddi: There's...ah...nothing like a nice piece of bamboo, especially when... [the panda leans over, bites Jerry's head off, and burps]
- Bloopers Host: You just can't trust the Chinese. [audience laughs] There certainly weren't any Chinese in Hazzard County! But Bo and Luke had problems of their own!!!
- Bloopers Host: Here's some rare footage from that smash-hit cartoon, "Pokémon"...
- Pikachu: Pikachu! Pika Pika. Pika Pi!
- Squirtle: Squirtle Squirtle! Squirtle Squirtle!
- Pikachu: Pika Pika! Pikachu!
- Squirtle: Squirtle Squirtle! Squir- What the fuck am I saying?! No, I mean it! This shit makes no sense at all!
- Pikachu: Say the lines, Earl, or you'll get the gas!
- Squirtle: For the love of Christ, kids, go read a book or something!
Nutcracker Sweet [1.2]
- Commander Keith: We just got served, team!
- Voltron Force: Voltron, represent!
- News Anchor: And in other news tonight, Voltron got totally served!
- Mouse: Daaamn!
- Saucy McFoodlefist: Hey Kool-Aid! [hits a baseball into the Kool-Aid man, cracking his pitcher and causing him to leak]
- Kool-Aid Man: OH, NO!
- Pennywise the Clown: Everything floats down here. That is, if its mass per unit of volume is equal to or lighter than that of water.
Gold Dust Gasoline [1.3]
- Michael: Better use the turbo boost.
- KITT: Michael, wait! I can only use my turbo boost once per episode!
- Michael: Well, I'm using it.
- [Michael pushes the turbo boost, and crashes into a bridge]
- Speed Racer: [not making any movement] It's important that I do not move because if I were to move that would add to the cost, so if I stay perfectly still that will be preferable to moving because animation costs money. Ahhhhh.
- Robin: Gosh-golly-gee-willicker-zippity-jippity-doo, Batman! Those policemen are pretty rude!
- Batman: Robin, law-enforcement officers are the backbone of our society. [the cops from CHiPs moon Batman and Robin] Mother-fucks!
- Robin: I don't believe in cheating, Batman. I only believe in doing what's right.
- Batman: If you don't want a Bat-Bitch Slap, you'll launch the Bat-Net and take down those cops!
- Robin: OOPS...! [accidently launches a grappling hook that hit Ponch's face]
- Ponch: AAAUUUGGGHHH!!
- Batman: RETRACT THE LINE! RETRACT THE LINE!
- Robin: NO, NO, DON'T RETRACT! DON'T RETRACT!
- Ponch: AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!
- Robin: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!! GET IT OFF ME AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!! [Ponch's head lands on Robin's lap causing panic in the Batmobile eventualy making Batman crash]
- Luigi: Mario, we're-a losing!
- Mario: It's-a time to use-a the Blue Tortoise Shell, no?
- Luigi: Do it, you magnificent stereotypical bastard!
- Wario: The Blue Tortoise Shell is Mario Kart racer's ultimate weapon! It magically finds the lead car in the race, and takes it out. Wha-ha-ha-ha!
- Dominic: You're more man than me, Headless Ponch.
- Merman: [laughing, talking to animals in boat] You guys are gonna drown, but we're a mermaid and a merman! We can swim! [Dragon bites mermaid's head off]
- Dragon: I hope you can also asexually reproduce, asshole.
- Merman: Crap.
Plastic Buffet [1.4]
- Narrator: The band's woes weren't limited to financial trouble.
- Howard Stern: Come on, Tommy Lee's rich, he's good looking, it couldn't have been that bad.
- Janice: Like, he gave me Hepatitis C. I only have five years to live!
- Howard: You gonna show me those boobs?
- Janice: Fuck you, Howard! I'm dying!
- Narrator: The band pinned their comeback on their Star Search Special, but no one could foresee the consequences for the band's most beloved member.
- Ed McMahon: Oh ho ho did you see that? The drummer looks like an epileptic ragdoll oh ho ho.
- [Animal gets angry and kills Ed McMahon]
- Narrator: After a long history of behavior problems the on-air attack of Ed McMahon was the last straw. The Courts ruled that the band's drummer Animal be put down.
- [Animal's still angry but calms down after being put down. Janice cries watching Animal being put down, being held by Floyd]
- Harrison Ford: I'd like to meet the team of engineers who'll accompany me on my mission to space.
- NASA Guy Actually, the remaining five spots on the flight will be filled by Aerosmith. We need a cool theme song for this mission.
- Steven Tyler: I'm ready to rock! [vomits]
- Harrison Ford: My God. Did you just get off the centerfuge trainer?
- Steven Tyler: No, I just shot smack into both my eyeballs! Yeeahhoo!
- [cut to a live action man]
- Live Action Man: That's terrible! Steven Tyler has been clean for years! I'm going to write an angry letter. [changing to lispy voice] Dear assfaces.
- Sean O'Keefe: [after the spaceshuttle crashes on the meteor] Fuck!!!
- George W. Bush: Fuck!!!
- Live Action Man: Now THAT sucks donkey balls... [the meteor destroys the Earth]
Toyz in the Hood [1.5]
- Police officer 1: Freeze!
- Dad: Freeze?! When I drop a fairy?! You know I am only getting started, motherf--
- Police officer 1: Hey, sir, put down the weapon! Put down the weap--
- [The dad starts shooting until the police arrest him]
- Police officer 1: Stay down!
- Police officer 2: On the ground!
- [Presidential Report Blooper starts]
- Reporter 1: This just in: CNN calls the state of Florida for Al Gore! That means Gore has won the Presidential Election. Thank you, Jesus!
- Reporter 2: Sure dodged that bullet.
- [Blooper ends]
- Bloopers Host: Oops.
- [CSI Bloopers start with an operator getting surprised, not realizing that he cut himself]
- Operator: [laughing] Oh, you guys! That was-- That was really fun-- [realizing] Oh, Jesus, I- I fucking cut myself! It's really bad, it's deep! Fuck! Ow!
- [Another Blooper starts, this time with an already-covered victim and investigators on the scene]
- Investigator: This bullet casing shouldn't be here if the shooting took place 10 meters west.
- [The victim farts, and the investigators laugh]
- Victim: Sorry, that was me. Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. [another fart] Sorry about that.
Vegetable Fun Fest [1.6]
- Charlie Brown: Meet the kite-eating tree, you ugly son of a bitch!
- Charlie Brown: This is different from the time we got lost in France, or when we almost drowned during the great river raft race. I fear just having a positive attitude with strong Christian overtones won't save us this time.
- Marcie: Hold me, Sir. [she and Peppermint Patty French-kiss]
- Charlie Brown: I said "strong Christian overtones"!
- Charlie Brown: I'm at the end of my rope, Lucy. Everybody else is dead, besides you and me. I thought being stuck as a pre-pubescent bald kid for 50 years couldn't get any worse!
- Charlie Brown: Poor Linus...
- Lucy: That block-head! Everyone's a block-head! Block-heads! Block-heads! Block-heads!
- Police officer: Whaa wha whaa wha wha wha wha wha whaa...
- Lucy: What did he say?
- Charlie Brown: Arrgh! I never have any idea what any adult says! It's always that "wha wha wha" crap!
- Lucy: Kick the ball, you block-head!
- Charlie Brown: But, everytime I try to kick it, you just pull it away!
- Lucy: This time I won't!
- Charlie Brown: [to himself] Maybe this time she means it, I'm really gonna do it! I'm gonna kick the football! [kicks Lucy] That's for years of humiliation, bitch!
A Piece of the Action [1.7]
- Pizza Chef: Hey, mamma mia! The cannoli! Eh, lasagna!
- Man with Gun: Hey, pasta fagioli! A spicy meatball!
The Deep End [1.8]
- Aquaman: Listen, uh, I don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but, um, the living room hasn't been vacuumed in weeks and...
- Superman: Hey, Waterman, I was busy, you know...realigning the planet, or something.
- Aquaman: But you drew vacuuming out of the job jar and everyone else...
- Superman: Face it. Who's gonna save the Earth from a giant meteor while Superman's vacuuming? You? I don't think so.
- Aquaman: I could. Hey!
- Host:WHO POOP LAST!
- Khan: Your change, (knocks James T. Kirk's glass of water over) sir.
- Kirk: KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!! (everyone runs away) KHAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!
Badunkadunk [1.10]
- Black Michael Jackson: Now you've gone too far! [Dances.] Prepare to die!
- Alien 1: Damn it! Damn it! DAMMIT! Years of planning, ruined!
- Alien 2: How were we gonna take over the world with a white Michael Jackson, anyway?
- Alien 1: Damn it! Damn it! DAMMIT!
Toy Meets Girl [1.11]
- Lion-O: After Mumm-Ra died of testicular cancer, there... was nobody left for the Thundercats to fight. We had to get real jobs.
- Moore: Mm-hmm... was construction your first job?
- Lion-O: Uh....
- Man on Phone: Hey, a bunch of us are going to the bar later and...
- Man watching TiVo: Well why don't you take your bar and shove it up your ass, I'm watching TiVo!!
- Destro: Everyone just sort of lost interest. I think as you get older, ruling the world just seems like too much trouble.
- Sheera: Am I done yet?
- Moore: You'll know, Sheera, you'll know.
Midnight Snack [1.12]
- Alien 1: Dammit! Dammit! DAMMIT!
- Benjamin Franklin: I Suppose y'all saw what the Wright Brothers did to old Ben Franklin last week. Well if you think it's a bunch of bull-crap, gimmie a boo-yaaaah!
- Black Midget: Yeah! Then the five-O plant the DMA evidence. You can't trust to police! One time a police take my shoeshine box. Beat me with it! My lordy!...What? Every black man on TV gots to be a posamative role model?
- Judge: Jack Backett you are charged with double homicide. How do you plead.
- Jack: Not guilty, your honor
- Jury Foreman: This is gonna be fun ye-haw.
- Dog: [Busts into the courtroom with a gun]
- Guy in the courtroom: Oh my god! He's got a gun!
- People in the courtroom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Dog: Nobody listened to me before, Jack must die! [Starts shooting everyone in the courtroom.]
- Narrator: Tune in next time when every dog has its day.
Atta Toy [1.13]
[ Papa Smurf and Brainy are in Vanity's house, investigating the latter's murder. Brainy opens Vanity's styler to see what happened to him.]- Papa Smurf: Jesus Smurfing Christ!
- Brainy: (catching breath) Oh! The comb is in his...and the lipstick is...oh, I can't look!
- Papa Smurf: One thing's for certain, Brainy. Vanity Smurf died the way he lived.
- Brainy: Bicurious?
- [Brainy Smurf enters Smurfette's house, when all of a sudden, he sees Jokey holding a box.]
- Jokey: Oh, Brainy. Hi, Brainy!
- Brainy: Oh, no! Jokey! Your sense of humor, your total disregard for smurf safety, your Se7en movie trading card collection... You're the killer!
- Jokey: I got you a present!
- Brainy: What's in the box, Jokey, What's in the box!?
- Jokey: It's a surprise!
- [Brainy opens the box.]
- Brainy: NOOOOO!!! OH, SMURFETTE, NOOOOO!!! [The box explodes.]
- Jokey: SURPRISE!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
- Brainy: What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Homer Simpson: Morning Apu, one order of Freedom Fries, please?
- Apu: Oh, for the love of my heathen God. They're called french fries, you fat, stupid American!
- Guy: Department Of Homeland Security, don't move!
- Apu: What?!
- [The Department Of Homeland Security guys point their guns at Apu, then shows The Simpsons family at a barbeque.]
- Simpsons: Happy Birthday America!
- Marge Simpson: I hope Apu has learned his lesson.
- [Scene then changes to a naked Apu chained to the neck by Lynndie England in a detention prison]
- Apu: I am so sorry I ever dared question the wisdom and strength of the United States of America.
- Lynndie England: Damn straight, yee-ha!
- Reporter: Time now for Celebrity Birthdays. Diff'rent Strokes star, Conrad Bain is 82. Adult film star, Ron Jeremy is 69. [music plays for a short time] And comedy trailblazer, Fatty Arbuckle is 118. At least he would be, if he wasn't [Bleep] worm food. In your face, Fatty Arbuckle! You fat, filthy, [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] fat f[Bleep] [Bleep]!
Joint Point [1.14]
- Queen Beryl: Soon I will have your life force, Sailor Moon, and my plan to rule the earth will come to fruition!
- [Notices her erection.]
- Queen Beryl: Oh...anime sure is weird!
Nightmare Generator [1.16]
- [The A-Team are about to take off in a helicopter.]
- B.A.: I ain't flyin', Hannibal! No way, no how!
- Hannibal: That sounds perfectly reasonable B.A., now calm down and have some nice milk.
- B.A.: [drinks glass of milk] Mmm, milk, Good for the bones, good for the kids. I pity the fool who ain't got no calcium in his diet!
- [Murdock drops a huge TV on B.A.]
- Faceman: Murdock, we drugged the milk! You didn't have to hit him over the head!
- [Next scene, aboard the helicopter]
- Murdock: Hey, you know what happens to someone who's repeatedly given drugged milk? Severe lactose intolerance.
- [The unconscious B.A. begins farting up a storm]
- Faceman: Dammit, the windows won't roll down!
- Hannibal: This is gonna be a long flight...
- Faceman: Greetings. Is this where the thugs and/or criminals hang out? Because I too am a thug and/or criminal.
- Thug 1: Holy crap, it's Faceman from the A-Team!
- Thug 2: Get him!
Operation Rich In Spirit [1.17]
- Man in jacket: I think I just shit out my heart, [gasp] I wonder if she puts out...
- Daphne: Gosh, Freddy, are we really going to go all the way?
- Fred: If one more person says something about my ascot, I'll -- damn, it's fashionable!
- Fred: I suggest we split up. Shaggy and Scooby, you check the campground. Velma, you check the woods. Daphne and I will check out the bunkhouse and have some of that nice sex until you get back.
- Phyllis Diller: Sex? You? With her? But with that dickey, you couldn't even bag an old bag like me! [laughs]
- Fred: [slaps her] It's an ascot, you old whore! An ascot!
- Phyllis Diller: [punches Fred] Well, your "ascot" laid out by this old whore, dickey.
- Shaggy: Man, I am one sad dog-food-eating hippie.
- Velma: The virgin always lives the longest in these horror movies. God, my life sucks!
- Don Knotts: You think your life sucks? One of my apartment tenants might be a flaming homo! [audience laughs] And that ain't all - somebody killed me! [falls down with a knife in his back]
- Velma: Now let's see who you really are. [Unmaskes Jason] Old Man Phillips?! But why?
- Phillips: Spanish doubloons in that lake! Thousands as far as the eye can see! It would have been all mine, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
- Velma: A-a bunch of coins?! My friends are all dead! They're dead, and I'm still a virgin! A virgin!!
- Phillips: Y'know... we can fix that.
The Sack [1.18]
- Frooger: Now's our chance, boys!
- [His friends come over to him.]
- Stix the Rabbit: Ooh! Stix cereal! I gotta have some!
- Boy & Girl: Stupid bunny, Stix are intended for children!
- Stix the Rabbit: Just give me a little!
- Girl: He touched me inappropriately!
- [Stix gets sent to jail.]
- Kaneda:TAATTSUUOO!!!
- Tony The Tiger: Use the hollow-point bullets. They're G-r-r-r-roovy!
- Capn' Crunch: Their bones will stay crunchy even when it's soaked in blood! Ha ha!
- Cookie Criminal: Couldn't lay off the sugar right?
- Stix the Rabbit: (crying) But I can't help myself. My mother ate sugar when she was pregnant with me!
- Cookie Criminal: You wanna control the sugar? Stop using and start selling. Here, hook this guy up when you're out.
- Officer: Rabbit, you're out.
- Stix the Rabbit: Really? But its only been an hour!
- Officer: You in Alabama foo', an hour's all you get for touchin' a child.
- Toucan Sam: Well, just follow my snout. It's never in doubt.
- Jungle Guide: (whispers to Stix) A snout that big, it should know more than Einstein. Heh! Heh!
- Toucan Sam: KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER!
- [All the refugees around Toucan Sam shoot the guide rapidly.]
- Stix the Rabbit: (refering to the cocaine) Wow! Do you have any idea how rich am I going to be selling this cocaine...SUGAR! (realized and telling the audience) I meant to say 'SUGAR'! Okay! (long pause) There!
- Reporter #1: Mayor McCheese! Mayor McCheese! How do your views differ from Governor Schwarzenegger given that he's a republican, and you have a cheeseburger for a head?
- Mayor McCheese: It's a birth defect! Oh, I've dealt with prejudice all my life...
- Reporter #2: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor! There have been allegations that you've taken women to motel rooms and paid them to go to the bathroom on your chest.
- Ham Burglar: Uh, uh, robble, robble, robble, robble!
That Hurts Me [1.19]
- Devil: What the Hell?!(after hell gets frozen over)
- Nerd (in a singsong voice): I got laid! I got laid! I got laid!
- Hot girl: What can I say? Nerds are hot.
- Nerd (still singing): Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid! L-A-YED! Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid! Gonna tell the internet! [hangs himself]
- Freddy Krueger: If Ghostface got voted out, take it from Freddy, that would be a dream come true. Ha ha ha ha! You get it? Ha ha ha ha! A dream! Ha ha ha ha! I kill people in their nightmares. That is what I do, that's my thing.
- Freddy Kreuger: Fighting boredom is the hardest part of living in the Big Brother house.
- (Jason Voorhes playing charades, mimes TV, a robot, and a chicken)
- Freddy Kreuger: In case you were wondering, the answer was The Da Vinci Code.
- Doug: I wanna end up in Keira Knightley's underwear!
- Monk:(sighs) They always want that.
- (Later)
- Doug:(To Keira Knightley) I was almost your underwear, ya know.
- Timmy: (when kid 2 gets done raking leaves, he jumps into the pile) Ha Ha jerkass! (hits a hidden fire hydrant)
- Kid 2: I got you, Timmy!
- Timmy: I...can't feel my legs.
The Black Cherry [1.20]
- Britney Spears: You can have my black cherry Justin. ..... ow, my butt!
Robot Chicken Christmas Special [1.21]
- Gohan: Dad, could you kick an angel's ass?
- Goku: You're damn right I could.
- Gohan: Is that Santa on the roof?
- Goku: Well if not, I got a present for him. [racks handgun slide]
- (Santa falls hard out of the chimney.)
- Gohan: Santa, Santa!
- Santa: Oh! my motherfucking knee, Oh, fuck! Fuck! Oh, fucking damn it out of hell that hurts like a motherfucker!
- Gohan: Dad, what's a fucker?
- Goku: Uh... er... heh. So, uh Santa, what happened?
- Santa: Bandits, Goku; they stole my reindeer, and all the presents... and my pants!
- The Nutcracker: Hahaha, Christmas is ours!
- Reindeer: You'll never get away with this!
- Composite Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho! (Makes a fist) I've got FIVE good reasons for YOU to shut up! (Pulls out a gun and shoots the reindeer five times) One two three four five!
- Gohan:Dad, who are those guys?
- Goku: Kung fu legends. That's the Little Drummer Boy. His mystical drum conjures summon demons most foul. The Nutcracker. He knows over 100 different testicle-based attacks. And Composite Santa Claus, who looks like one half Santa and one half Frosty the Snowman.
- Gohan: What are Composite Santa's powers?
- Goku: I don't know, but he freaks me right the fuck out!
- Reindeers: [After seeing Goku and Gohan's Kamehameha, killing two reindeers, making like a path] HOLY SHIT!!!!
- Composite Santa: [Composite Santa is vertically cut in half by the Kamehameha blast] Temperatures over 32 degrees farenheit... my only weakness! [Composite Santa dies]
- Gohan: Hah! You're not so tough!
- NutCraker: Testicle attack No.49!! (punches Gohan in the groin)
- Gohan: Owww! My Dragonballs!
- Reindeer 1: Your nose shoots lasers?!?
- Rudolph: You don't think there is a reason it glows red? What does yours shoot? (Reindeer 1 blows boogers from his snout) Eww!
- Composite Santa: [After a long Dragon-Ball style "powering up" sequence] Okay, I've got nothing....
- Reindeer 1: It's payback time! Let's beat her up so bad, her kids will inherit the bruises!
- Reindeer 2: Yeah, we'll hit her so hard, she'll starve to death rolling!
- Reindeer 1: She's so ugly, we'll push her face in dough and make gorilla biscuits!
- Reindeer 2: She so black, when she go to night school, teacher mark her absent!
- Santa: Tha-that-that's still my wife, guys.
- Santa: [Referring to the mutated Mrs. Santa] She's grown too gigantic and unstable! Women.... am I right, fellas?
[After Mrs. Santa turns into a snowflake and falls into Goku's hands]
- Goku: The Tenka'ichi Budôkai is finally complete!
- Santa: What the fuck are you talking about? Was that even English? What happened to my wife? [A reindeer eats the snowflake] *Sigh*, this is the last time I bring presents to Japan. [Little Drummer Boy does a rimshot and drops his sticks]
Suck It [2.1]
- Mike Lazzo: Hi y'all! I'm Adult Swim president Mike Lazzo. The decision of the council is now fixin' to be heard.
- Peter Griffin: Guilty!
- Space Ghost: Guilty!
- Master Shake: Oh ho, you're so-o frickin' guilty!
- Seth Green: (screen starts to fly away into space) "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!! Aaaaaaaahhhh!!" (screen crashes onto a UFO)
- Alien 1: "I think we hit something."
- Alien 2: "Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!"
- Seth Green: "Aaaaaahh!!" (falls down onto his seat) "Ummff!"
- Keith Crofford: "Hey Seth, what happened to you?"
- Seth Green: I don't know-" (slime comes down as audience laughs)
- Keith Crofford: (laughs) "You're renewed!"
- Skater McGee: And now I'm off to the next town to kill more teenagers.
- Mayor: You're doing God's work, Skater McGee.
- Mr. Potato Head: (to Mrs. Potato Head after she gives birth to a carrot) You whore!
- Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. (everyone drops their stones, Jesus then hits the prisoner with his stone) Blammo!
Federated Resources [2.2]
- Naked Guy: This is how I dance, when I'm not wearing underpants. Nothing I like more than to dance, and I'm not gonna wear no pants. You can't make me-- (scene cuts off)
- [J.K. Rowling is going through trash, looking for food.]
- ["Manchester, England 1989"]
- Jerk: J.K. Rowling.
- J.K. Rowling: Cor blimey, are you an angel?
- Jerk: I am from the future. In fifteen years time, you will be a best selling children's book author, whose net worth is more than one billion american dollars!
- J.K. Rowling: I had an idea about a boy wizard.
- Jerk: No! Your books will be about uh-a magical racoon. He has an afro. His name is Squiggles and he shoots pixie dust out of his bunghole!
- J.K Rowling: Thank you, I'll start right away!
- Jerk: Haha
- ["Dicks with Time Machines"]
- Dog Pound Worker: Okay, little girl, take any pet you like.
- Vickie: Thanks.
- [Sees Lion-O sitting in a cage.]
- Vickie: What are you doing in here, Mr. Kittie-cat?
- Lion-O: A space time vortex opened up on my home planet Thundera and I suddenly found myself on Earth, where cats, apparently, don't share the same rights as humans.
- Vickie: You're so cute! I choose you!
- [Walking on the school yard.]
- Vickie: I can't wait for show and tell.
- Billy: Haha! Vickie has cooties, Vickie has cooties!
- Vickie: Stop it, Billy!
- [Lion-O slams Billy up against a wall and starts pounding on him.]
- Lion-O: Vickie...does...not...have...cooties! Anyone else? Huh? Anyone else? Come on! I got nine lives and a whole can of whup ass!
- [Vickie starts spraying Lion-O with water.]
- Vickie: Bad! Bad Mr. Kittie-cat!
- Lion-O: [Sarcastically.] Fine, fine I over reacted. Sorry everybody. Sorry, that one's on me. [Turns to Vickie, who has been continuing to spray him] Please stop that.
- Vikie: This is my new pet. His name is Mr. Kittie-cat and I got him at the pound.
- Lion-O: Actually, my name is Lion-O, leader of the Thundercats. I'm the choosen one.
- Kid: Lame!
- [Lion-O jumps on him.]
- Lion-O: Ah come on Vickie, aren't we still friends? Huh? BFF!
- Vickie: No!
- Lion-O: Ahhh ooh ohh! Vickie!
- Vickie: Go to hell!
- Dog Pound Worker: Don't worry, Lion-O, we'll find you a home.
- Old Lady: Miss prissy pants, stop fussing with your bow.
- Lion-O: This bow sucks and my name is Lion-O, leader of the Thundercats. Sworn to...
- Old Lady: Oopsie, grouchy don't get any tuna.
- Lion-O: [Under his breath.]] I better get some freakin' tuna.
- Teacher: Yes?
- Girl Student: Because your wife was a bitch?
- [On Blackboard it says "Reasons I Left My Wife:"]
- Teacher: Because...she was...a bitch. Yes.
- Barber: There you go, one shaved head.
- Customer: [Shown to be naked] Great, let's make the carpet match the drapes. [gestures towards pubic area]
- Paul Revere: The British are coming! The British are coming! [Sees a cave] Ooh, a shortcut! [Slams into a painted wall, the time traveling jerk pops out.]
- Mom: Margaret! Sarah!
- Margaret and Sarah: A pony! a pony! Yay! a pony!
- Mom: Only one of you gets the pony. The other one gets a whipping.
- Dad: Now let's see those report cards.
- Guy: It's Moses, he's back!
- Moses: God has blessed me with ten irrefutable commandments for living.
- Guy: Is there anything on there about not pushing your religion on other people?
- Moses: No.
- Guy: Didn't think so.
- Moses: Number one: he who smelt it, dealt it.
- [Everyone laughs.]
- Moses: Wha? What's so funny? Stop it. Stop laughing!
- [The time-travelling jerk is sitting behind him holding a hammer and chisel.]
- ["Dicks with Time Machines"]
- Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, de umn børk børk børk, yorn desh born! Hey Björk Björk! Björk Björk Björk, Björk Björk, Björk Björk, Björk Björk Björk. Hey Mork! Nanu! Mork, Mork, Mork. Yorn desh dork! Hehe dork, dork! Hey, York! York, York! Eh Quark! Quark! Quark Quark! Hey Tork! Peter Tork Tork Tork Tork! Zork! Zork! Zork Zork! Zork Zork Zork! Hey, pork! Pork pork pork! Pork pork! Fork? Fork fork fork. Fork fork. Hey, spork! Spork spork! Spork spork! Spork spork! Ork! Ork! Ork!
- Swedish Chef's Wife: Ah what kept you honey? Dinners waiting.
- Swedish Chef: (screaming in a completely American accent) GET THE HELL OFF MY BACK, WOMAN!!!!! CAN'T I GET A MOMENT OF FUCKING PEACE??!!! [Throws dishes on floor] GOD!!!
- [Woman looks badly beaten up.]
- Woman: I...uh...I-I walked into a door.
- Salesman: Well then, can I interest you in our line of Nerf Doors?
- Woman's husband: What about stairs? She's gonna need some Nerf Stairs too.
[after Hitler's footage of his constipation ends the war]
- Dick: Heh heh...douche...
["Heroes with Time Machines"]
[Yawns.] Good morning! What are we going to do today, Corey Feldman?
Easter Basket [2.3]
- Barney the Dinosaur: I love you. You love me.
- Girl: But I'm not in love with you.
- Fred: Eh Barney-boy, this is the life!
- Barney: You said it, Fred! An entire civilization not wearin' underwear! Y'gotta love it!
- Fred: [Door knocks] Now who could that be! [Barney laughs]
- Delivery Man: Hi, I'm Mr. Rock from FedEx Stone. I got a delivery for Fred Flintstone from Amazon Boulder.Com/Pebble. [sighs] Look, sometimes, the rock puns don't fit too well, buddy. Do you want the package or not?
- Fred: [reads a letter that came with the package] "Dear Fred, I hope this distracted you long enough. Signed, Barney. P.S. I invented paper. Bitchin'!" [looks over to Barney who tries to sneak out with a box of Fruity Pebbles] Barney! My pebbles!
- Barney: [burying Fred's corpse] Dammit, Fred, I just wanted some of your fucking cereal.
- Bird: [being used as a shovel] Oh, his head always was full of rocks.
- Barney: [gasps] A witness! [kills shovel-bird and runs back into the house] Witnesses! The dishwasher!
- Octopus: My goodness Cretacious!
- Barney: The record player!
- Bird: He's off his rocker!
- Barney: The bidet!
- Turtle: Oh man, the things I've witnessed...
- [The audience screams as Barney grabs the bird and pulls a pig's tail.]
- Pig: Is he stone-cold crazy? You bet Jurassic!
- Barney: No more puns! [he stuffs the bird into the pig's mouth and laughs evilly.]
- Wilma: He's trying to sell me a tampon, but I said "It's just a rock!" and he says "Well duh, EVERYTHING'S a rock!"
- Barney the Dinosaur: (now in a street at night standing next to a female smoker) I love you. You love me.
- Smoker: Either way, it's 50 bucks.
- Barney the Dinosaur: [in prison; sobbing] I love you...*sniff* You love me...
- Cell Mate: Damn right!
- Man: Sit, Ubu, sit. BAD DOG! [gunshot]
Celebrity Rocket [2.4]
- [Two adults are riding a seesaw.]
- Little Child: [Runs up to them.] Can I play?
- Adult: Oh, you go to HELL, you piece of GARBAGE!
- [Little Child runs off crying]
[a man is fleeinga vampire in his car, he turns to look in his mirror and because he cannot see the vampire's reflection thinks he's fallen off]
- Man: Ahh, must have lost him.
[brakes hard causing the vampire to run into the back of the car and collapse to the ground]
- Man: You know, while I'm out, I might as well get some milk.
[throws the car in reverse running over the vampire's face, not crushing it]
- Man: Wait a second, I have milk at home!
[Speeds forward, the tire peels skin off the vampires face and drags the corpse behind the car]
- Man: La la la, gonna have some milk! La la la....
Dragon Nuts [2.5]
- Bill Gates: Hi, I'm Bill Gates. I heard you take insane bets and wondered if you'd be my ass slave for a billion dollars.
- Adult:
- Boy:
1987 [2.6]
- Doctor:
- Palpatine: Ha ha ha ha, so I threw the senate at him. The whole senate! True story!
- First Guard: Oh my God, that is so funny!
- Second Guard: You made it
- Skeletor: Aaaaaah. Oh, massage chair, if we lived in Canada, I would make you my bride.
- Mo-Larr: [calling] Skeletor!
- Skeletor: Oh no! It's Mo-Larr, Eternian Dentist!
- Mo-Larr: You missed your 10:15 appointment!
- Skeletor: I'm busy, Mo-Larr!
- Mo-Larr: You have an infected wisdom tooth, Skeletor! It has to come out!
- Skeletor: I'm a talking skull! What do I care if-- ah, you know what? To hell with this.
- Grizzlor: [To Mo-Larr, after he gets stabbed in the eye with a dental drill.] How come Beast-Man got the dental floss, and I get the fucking drill in my eye?!
- Announcer: FIGHT! [Johnny Cage and Kano begin fighting, Kano is about to knock out Johnny Cage] FINISH HIM! [Kano punches Johnny's chest and takes his heart out; scene change to the hospital]
- Nurse: Pressure's down to sixty...
- Doctor: Dammit! He's losing too much blood! Don't you die on me, you hear, nurse get me more O-neg stat!
[scenes change to Jonny as he recovers, he is fed by his girlfriend, he tries to walk, stumbles, but begins walking again, eventually, he leaves the hospital; scene change back to the wrestling arena, a banner says "Welcome Back Johnny!"]
- Kano: Feeling better?
- Johnny: I feel great!
- Announcer: FINISH HIM! [Kano takes out Johnny's heart again]
- Senator: Pan-Global Oil keeps dumping sludge into the Atlantic Ocean!
- Ted Turner: THAT BURNS MY ASS!
- Senator: Forget it, Ted, there's nothing you can do.
- Ted Turner: Maybe I can't, but Captain Planet CAN! [One of the members show that Ted's crazy]
- Captain Planet: [in restroom, Ted is changing into Captain Planet] Captain Planet... [man enters, sees Ted, then walks away]
[scene change to the office, Captain Planet runs by]
- Captain Planet: CAPTAIN PLANET! [scene changes to the streets.] CAPTAIN PLANET!! [runs past a guy who is holding an aluminum can with a trash can and a recycling can near him; he throws the can in the trash; Captain Planet notices and kicks the man in the face.] CAPTAIN PLANET!
[scene changes to Pan-Global Oil Headquarters, where two senators are talking.]
- Senator 1: Where are we gonna dump our sludge next?
- Senator 2: Well, the Grand Canyon could hold a lot of sludge.
- Senator 1: Oh, it sure could.
- Senator 2: Yeah, let's sludge the hell out of the Grand Canyon.
- Senator 1: Yeah. [notices something offscreen] Hey, is that Ted Turner?
- Senator 2: [also notices something, it is Captain Planet on a zipline headed for their office.] Yeah, what the hell is he doing?
- Senator 1: I dunno, he's on one of those ziplines.
- Senator 2: Oh, yeah, is that what they call "ziplines"?
- Senator 1: Yeah, ziplines.
- Senator 2: Oh, I never thought- [Captain Planet breaks through the window, knocking away Senator 1 and embedding glass in Senator 2's eye.]
- Captain Planet: CAPTAIN PLANET!
- Senator 2: You got glass in my eye!
- Captain Planet: And my foot in your balls! [kicks him in the balls] CAPTAIN PLANET! [holds the senator out the window threatening to drop him]
- Senator 2: What do you want Mr. Turner?!
- Captain Planet: To sign this agreement to not dump any more sludge and I'll let you go. [the senator signs the agreement] This appears to be in order. [drops him] CAPTAIN PLANET! [the senator falls, screaming, to the ground, where he lands in a dumpster and is killed instantly.]
- Captain Planet: PROTECT THE ENVIRONMENT, OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! CAPTAIN PLANET!
Cracked China [2.7]
- Eagle Eye Smith: I'M A CHAMPION!
- Pikachu: Pikachu!
- Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff!
- Pikachu: [defeats Jigglypuff with a Thunderbolt] Chu chu chu! Pika pika!
- Ash: Back in your Poké Ball, Pikachu. [Pikachu goes back inside its Poké Ball]
- Misty: I wonder what it's like inside those Poké Balls?
- Ash: I wonder when you'll shut up and make my dinner!
- Gary: Are you ready to battle, Ass?
- Ash: [growls] My name is Ash!
- Ash: Go get 'em, Pikachu!
- [Charizard roars]
- Pikachu: Pikachu. (Subtitle) Douche.
- Voices: Braaains... braiiins...
- Man:Are you radioactive zombie mutants, or survivors, thanking the only thing that's kept you alive?
- Voices: (after a pause) Zombies.
- Man: Okay.
- Voices: Didn't feel right to lie to you.
- [E.T.'s Mom is nitting waiting for E.T. to Phone him]
- E.T.'s Mom: He said he would phone me but he has'nt phone he knows how I worry.
Rodigitti [2.8]
- Leonardo: Oh, no! I just cowabunga'd in my pants!
- Raphael: Barfaroonie! I hope you're wearing adult undergarments!
- Leonardo: It depends!
- Song: Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes in a Wheelchair!
- Song: Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes wearing diapers!
- Song: Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes touching Nurses!
- Song: Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Dealing with life's changes!
- Student: You suck Scott Norwood! You fucking jerk.
- Future Guy: Uh, excuse me, what year is this?
- Guy: Uh, 2006.
- Future Guy: 2006 haha oh man. Good luck buddy.
- Daffy Duck: Sufferin' succotash!
- Elmer Phudd: I'm takin' you to school, call me the professor
- You're sexually confused, 'cause you a cross-dresser.
- You like to kiss men, that's real funny.
- Call up Hugh Hefner, you a gay boy bunny.
- Master of the stage. You need a map junkie.
- You made a wrong left turn on Albuquerque.
- I'm a pimp because my hunting apparel's hot son.
- It was wiped by on your ho with my double barrel shotgun. [Really shoots B Rabbit with his double barrel shotgun]
- Daffy Duck: Now hold on a second, man! It's not rabbit hunting season yet! See! ints at the sign that says "Wabbit Season (Not Yet)"] Okay! [Gives the mic to B Rabbit] Your turn, B Rabbit!
- B Rabbit: Yeah, yeah. I know that you call me wascally wabbit.
- Say your R's like W's that's a really bad habit.
- It's room, not woom. Trees, not twees.
- You replace so many R's, I thought you was Chinese.
- You're so stuck on yourself, I'll call you Elmer's glue.
- I got you some coffee, one lump or two?
- Elmer Phudd: Two?
- [B Rabbit hits him on the head twice with a mallet]
- B Rabbit: I only dress like a girl, just to prove that you're gay.
- Would you like a kiss handsome?
- Elmer Phudd: Really? OK!
- B Rabbit: Elmer packs "fudd". You heard what I said.
- He's so bald, I'll put a "hare" on his head. [B Rabbit sits on Phudd's head]
- I'll sit down on your head. Just like I was a thinker. Hmm.
- [He farts while sitting down on his head] Ain't I a stinker?
- DJ Bacon Bits: Th-th-th-that's all, bitches!
Massage Chair [2.9]
- Frank: Did you finish that marketing proposal?
- Jim: Nope!
- Frank: I told you to give it to me today.
- Jim: I could've sworn you said Thursday!
- Frank: No, I said Wednesday.
- Jim: I don't think so, Thursday!
- Frank: Wednesday, douchebag!
- Jim: Thursday, assface!
- Frank: WEDNESDAY YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!
- Boss: What is going on here?!
- Frank: We're having a fight about the due date of the marketing proposal.
- Boss: Well then there's only one one way to solve it.
- [The scene changes to a Mortal Kombat-style fight]
- Announcer: FIGHT!!
- Jim: [Punches Frank in the face]
- Frank: [Throws staplers at Jim] Stapler! Stapler!
- Jim: [Throws papers at Frank] Post It! Post It! P-P-P-Post It!
- Announcer: Finish him!
- Jim: [Performs Fatality by smashing Jim with a cupboard]
- Announcer: Level 2!
- Nancy: You know that proposal was on Wednesday, Jim!
- Jim: Thursday, Nancy.
- Announcer: FIGHT!!
- Nancy: [Throws coffee at Jim] Hot coffee! Hot Coffee!
- Jim: [Stretches arms and touches Nancy's breasts] Sexual Harassment!
- Nancy: [Shows lawsuit papers to Jim] Lawsuit! Lawsuit!
- Jim: [Stabs Nancy in the eye with a knife] Letter opener!
- Announcer: Level 3!
- Jim: Ryu from Street Fighter? I didn't know you worked here!
- Ryu: I don't, but that proposal was definitely due on Wednesday!
- Announcer: FIGHT!!
- Ryu: Hadouken! [Takes 85% off of Jim's life bar.]
- Jim: I'll get right on it.
- Doctor: Mr. President, your vitals seem to be all right, there is however one thing thought, your midi-chloriant count is extremely high.
- Bush: Does that mean I'm one of them- whata call 'em- Jedis? [thinks then uses the force to pull down the doctors pants] Heheheheheheh.
- [scene change to Bush and his wife in bed]
- Laura Bush: Oh not tonight, I'm tired honey...
- Bush: [mind trick] You're not tired, you wanna have a threesome!
- Laura Bush: [eyes widen] I'm not tired, I want to have a threesome!
- Bush: [picks up telephone] Get me Condi! Heheheheh.
- [scene change to a parking lot at McDonalds; Bush is about to park when Bill Clinton takes his spot]
- Clinton: Awww, sorry W, Big Mac attack! YEEEEEEEEHEEEEW! [Bush is angry and uses the force to drop Clinton and his car in a nearby lake] Hey, what the dilly?!?
- Bush: Heheheheheheh!
- [scene change to George Bush using lightsaber to carve the words "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial] Heheh, saber beats rock!
- [statue lifts up revealing Abraham Lincoln]
- Bush: What the hell?
- Lincoln: Who dares disturb my slumber?
- Bush: Who dares question my...daring...of...his dare?...Jerk!
- Lincoln: It is I...I who freed the slaves...I who-
- Bush: BORING! Let's fight! [Lincoln draws a lightsaber and they begin the fight, Bush corners Lincoln]
- Lincoln: If you strike me down, I shall become- [Bush raises his saber for the kill] NO WAIT A MINUTE, LEMME FINISH- [gets sliced and dies like Obi-Wan Kenobi in A New Hope'] AHHHHH!
- Bush: That'll teach you, George Washington!
- [scene change to Cloud City where Darth Vader tells Luke Skywalker he is his father]
- Bush: Jenna, get over here right now! I AM YOUR FATHER!
- Jenna: [on the thing Luke was on] That's not true! That's impossible! My real father would let me go clubbing as late as I want! [flicks him off]
- Bush: Why you little- [slices off her middle finger]
- Jenna: OWWWWW!
- Bush: No baby...I'm sorry!
- Jenna [she falls] AAAAAAAAAAAHHH [distant] You suck!
- Bush NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- [scene change to Bush asleep on his desk; he wakes up]
- Bush: Wa- Was it all just a dream?
- Senator: [rushes in] Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction!
- Bush: [tries to do a mind trick] You HAVE found weapons of mass destruction.
- Senator: Uhh...hi. We haven't.
- Bush: [tries again] You HAVE.
- Senator: [sighs] Uh, I don't know what you're doing.
- Bush: [still waving his hand] Bring me a taco.
- Senator: Yes sir! [runs out of the office]
- Bush: Heheheh, tacos rule!
Password: Swordfish [2.10]
- Ron: Harry, I'm scared!
- Harry: You're always scared, you chicken shit!
- Ron: I can’t help it! I’m a scared, pimple-faced, red-headed, chicken shit virgin!
- Harry What are we going to do?
- Hermione: Let’s ask Hagrid for help.
- Harry: Don’t be ridiculous, Hermione. We need to confront the terrible horror ourselves and potentially end up hospitalized, like always.
- Hermione: Professor Snape, Harry and Ron were cursed by the monster Pubertus.
- Snape: Pubertus eh? Let's discuss this further in my magical jacuzzi. Barry Whitus, Candle Lightus. Girl Excitus!
- Snape:So... shall we play "Put the Sorting Hat on the Slytherine?"
- Hermione:Pedophilius Repellus!
- Draco Malfoy: Look Potter, I taught the Sorting Hat a new trick! [he places it onto Harry Potter's head]
- The Sorting Hat: VIRGIN!
- [Students laugh]
- Malfoy: Looks like Potter is "He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Laid." Heheh. Guess the monster Pubertus hasn't quite caught up with you yet, huh?
- Hermione: Ugh, Pubertus is just a myth, Malfoy!
- [Malfoy places the hat on Hermione's Head]
- The Sorting Hat: SECOND BASE!
- [Students gasp]
- [Ricky gets run over by a car while playing soccer.]
- Ricky's Dad: Ricky, the doctors say the accident left you mute. Do you know what that means? (Ricky shakes his head) It means you can't talk no more. (now cheerful) But just because you can't talk don't mean you can't communicate. Look what I got you! (shows him a big sandwich board saying "Hi, my name is Ricky!") You'll wear this everywhere you go.
- [The soccer game continues to play, Ricky is in possession of the soccer ball.]
- Red Team Player #1: Kick it over here, "Hi, my name is Ricky"!
- [Ricky starts passing the ball but the defense blocks it.]
- Blue Team Player #1: Nice job on Defense, "Hi, my name is Ricky"! You suck! You seriously fucking suck, dude!
- [The accident sequence continues to go on, Ricky gets run over twice.]
- Ricky's Dad: Ricky, the doctors say the accident left you mostly deaf. Do you know what that means? I said, "Do you know what that means?!" Well anyways, this is just another challenge, yo champel! I got you those hearing aids. (fits two horns of Ricky's ears)
- [The soccer game continues once again. Ricky, as his sandwich board now reads "Hello, I am hearing impaired!" gets the ball.]
- Coach: Nice huzzle, "Hello, I am hearing impaired!"
- [Another blue player blocks the ball.]
- Blue Team Player #2: You kinda suck, "Hello, I am hearing impaired!"
- [Ricky gets run over for the last time.]
- Ricky's Dad: Ricky, the doctors say the accident affected your brain. We don't know what that means yet, but I got you these googly eye glasses.
- [The soccer game continues for a third time, as Ricky, with his googly eye glasses and sandwich board now saying "Howdy, I have brain damage!", stands by the blue team's goal. The ball bounces off Ricky and straight into the goal.]
- Red Team Player #2: We won, "Howdy, I have brain damage!"
- Red Team Player #1: Three cheers for "Howdy, I have brain damage!"
- Red Team Players: [hoisting up Ricky] Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip hooray!
- [Ricky's dad is seen in the crowd.]
- Man: That was impressive. Uh, which one's your son again?
- Ricky's Dad: Um, that fat Asian kid.
- Love A Lot Bear: We killed all the care-bear cousins!
- All Care Bears: Hooray for murder!
- Cheer Bear: Now let us celebrate our genocide! GET YOUR PARTY ON!
- Care Bear: Everyone eat some rainbow!
- Another Care Bear: Mmmm...that's some good rainbow! [sky darkens and lightning flashes] Jesus Fucking Christ! IT'S THE GREAT CLOUD KEEPER IN THE SKY!
- Cloud Keeper: Care Bears! I have watched you actions with great displeasure!
- Cheer Bear: But, we purified the land of Care-a-Lot!
- Cloud Keeper: For your dark and terrible deeds, I shall turn Care-a-Lot into a dark and terrible place. A hell on Earth! I shall turn Care-a-Lot into...[lightning]...NEW JERSEY! [transformation begins and cuts to a mayors desk]
- New Jersey Mayor: Hello. I'm New Jersey's Governor John Corzan. I hope you've enjoyed this reenactment of our state's proud history. [eats some rainbow] The Garden State: Come get in on some of this rainbow!
Adoptions an Option [2.11]
- [Waving goodbye to Elliot.]
- E.T.: Be good.
- Elliot: Good-Goodbye E.T.
- E.T.: E.T. home.
- Alien #1: Oh my god! Look everyone, that retard we ditched on earth somehow found his way home!
- E.T.: E.T. phoned home.
- Alien #2: What the hell are you calling yourself "E.T." for spaz? Your name is Kleeborp. Kleeborp the retard!
- Alien #3: Yeah, Kleeborp the retard with only one glowing finger.
- Aliens #1, #2, #3: Ha, Ha! [shows all glowing fingers]
- E.T.: [gives them a glowing middle finger]
- Alien #1: Oh now you're fucking dead. [Aliens grab E.T.]
- E.T.: [Screams like a girl]
- Alien #1: AND NEXT TIME, STAY LOST, LOSER!
- E.T.: [Looks at Xenomorph from Alien] Friend.
- Fast-food Worker: [Practicing to himself at a drive-through window] Would you like fries with that? Would you like fries with that? Would you like fries with that? [Car pulls up] Uh, excuse me! Would you like flies with that? [realizing his mistake] Ahhhh dammit!!!
- Penny: Who bookmarked dog on dog porn in my browser? [stares at Brain] As if I had to ask!
- Dr. Claw: With Skynet online, Gadget is under my complete control! And I'll use him to wipe out my true nemesis - that meddlesome twelve-year-old niece of his!
- Penny: Brain, that's still Uncle Gadget. We need to remember that deep down inside- [Gadget appears in front of their car] AHHH! RAM THAT SON OF A BITCH!
Metal Militia [2.12]
- Hulk Hogan: [to Roddy Piper] Roddy, we need your stealth. Go take out the guard real quiet-like, and the rest of us will sneak pa-
- Roddy Piper: Gotcha, Hogan! [walks up to guard] Hey, hey, hey, you (bleep)ing Nazi! How are ya? [takes out the guard with a headbutt, a piledriver, a suplex, and a clothesline]
- Rainbow Brite: Hahaha! Black people are so much funnier than white people.
- Gene Okerlund: And Hitler takes a flaming chair to the spine in what will surely go down in history as one of Wrestlemania's greatest moments! Sergeant Schultz do you have any comment?
- Sergeant Schultz: I'M NO NAZI!!
- Bomb-Diffusing Robot: This is some serious bull-(bleep)!
Veggies for Sloth [2.13]
- Archie: What if you can't avoid the Grim Reaper?
- Betty: Who's he, he sounds dreamy!
- Reggie: Blondes are dumb whores!
- [Everybody laughs]
- Betty: Come with me Archie, I'm sweet and innocent.
- Veronica: Come with me Archie, I'm rich and easy.
- Archie: (thinking about it) I choose...
- [Betty crosses the street and gets hit by a bus. Veronica looks hopeful at Archie.]
- Archie: (still thinking about it, completely oblivious to what just happened) Still deciding...
- [Veronica groans]
- Moose: Duh Ms. Grundy, what's a haiku?
- Ms. Grundy: It's a kind of poem.
- Moose: Duh, what's death?
- Ms. Grundy: Oh Moose, just make yours about football.
- Man: [sitting on top of a chimney] Hey baby, Merry Christmas. Yes, I know I said I'd stop calling but it's the holidays and I just wanted to say how happy I am that you found someone new. Is he there right now? Oh the whole family is there opening presents. Well that's just great because I have a present for you. [starts cutting his head off, which falls through chimney]
- People in the House: Oh God! Santa?
- Alien #1: Oh dear, our fleets are being destroyed!
- Alien #2: Will help ever arrive?
[Buck Rogers comes in]
- Buck Rogers: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Did someone call for a hero?
- Alien #1: Oh, thank goodness! F(bleep)ck Rogers is finally here!
- Buck Rogers: What.. did you just call me?
- Alien #1: F(bleep)ck!
- Alien #2: F(bleep)ck Rogers!
- Buck Rogers: [goes near Alien #1:] My name is Buck. Buck Rogers.
- Alien #3: The Robots are through the south defenses! F(bleep)ck Rogers, we need your help immediately!
- Buck Rogers: [annoyed groaning]
- Alien #1: It's Buck!
- Buck Rogers: My name is Buck, not F(bleep)ck! What's with you aliens?!
- Alien #4: F(bleep)ck!
- Buck Rogers: It's Buck! Damn what the-- it's Buck! Buck! Buck! BUCK!
- Alien #4: What are you talking about?! I've been shot! F(bleep)ck, it hurts! [dies]
- Alien #5: Welcome, F(bleep)ck!
- Alien #1: [as Buck gets annoyed:] It's Buck!
- Buck Rogers: THAT DOES IT!!
[gets gun out and starts shooting at the aliens]
- Aliens: [getting shot:] F(bleep)ck, Motherf(bleep)cker!
- Buck Rogers: Fuck you!
- Alien #3: Wait! Wait! [gets shot]
- Buck Rogers: F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep)ck you and you! F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep) you! F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep)ck you!
[Wipe fade to Wilma Deering and Twikky having a conversation]
- Wilma: You really told all the aliens that Buck's name was Fuck? [chuckles]
- Twikky: Bidi-Bidi-Bidi, I was attempting human comedy.
Sausage Fest [2.14]
- [A giraffe is sinking in quicksand, struggling to get out.]
- Giraffe: Uh-oh.
- ["Stage One: Denial"]
- Giraffe: It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand. I'm gonna have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys. [Laughs nervously.]
- ["Stage Two: Anger"]
- Giraffe: Well, this is just fucking perfect!! Stupid quicksand! Stupid jungle! Ah! I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherfucker!!!!! Motherfucker!!!!!! Motherfuck!!!!!!! Ahh! Fuck!!! That stupid jungle! Uhh!! Fuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!
- ["Stage Three: Bargaining"]
- Giraffe: Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Li-listen if you could just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. [Laughs nervously.] We got a deal?
- ["Stage Four: Depression"]
- Giraffe: [Screams and cries.] MOMMY!!
- ["Stage Five: Acceptance"]
- Giraffe: You know somethin'? I'm cool with this. I-I bet, I bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat and everyone gets their own Slurpee machine. Yeah! Take me sweet death! I await your loving embrace! [The sinking stops.] What? I think I hit the bottom. [The giraffe struggles with no avail.] Shit...
- Garfield:: [to Heathcliff] I'm gonna start calling you Monday, and I hate Mondays!
- Announcer:Up next on Cat Court heres the assault case against Cheester Cheetah.
- Timer:He Hankered for a Hunka my ASS YAH-HOO.
- Professor Xavier: Welcome recruits, although we had to lower our standards thanks to the shortage of actual mutants, the danger you're facing will be no less real! You'll be defending a world that hates and fears you!
- Larvell Jones: What?! Hate and fear us, because we're mutants?
- Professor Xavier: No, because you were in the Police Academy movies.
- Professor Xavier: It seems some mischief-maker has gone to great lengths to hide a prostitute underneath my podium. Unfortunately, I'm paralyzed from the waist down, and her enthusiastic efforts are for naught. Moving on to the - *looks down* I didn't say 'stop'!
Drippy Pony [2.15]
- Detective: Hey ar-are you Deepthroat?
- Rimjob: Hmm? Oh no I-I'm Rimjob, you want Level B2.
The Munnery [2.16]
- Kevin: Star light, Star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish, I wish tonight. I wish (turning into a robot)....Holy Crap, I got to tell Oscar. Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
- Oscar: AAAAAHHH!!
- Kevin: Hey Oscar, it's me, Kevin.
- Oscar: Oh, What happened?
- Kevin: I made a wish on that star.
- Oscar: (turning into a dinosaur) Dude, we've got to tell Jimmy.
- Jimmy: (turned into a giant turtle) Dudes, we've got to tell Louis.
- Kevin: Louis, Hey Louis make a wish. It'll come true.
- Louis: Ok! (turning into a giant squid)
- Jimmy: Giant squid! You idiot, we're not even near water.
- Louis: Oh crap... Sorry guys! (is put on Ocsar's head) Let's go tell Timmy!
- Oscar: Timmy! Hey Timmy! Make a wish and it'll come true!
(Timmy wishes he were a girl)
- Everyone: Timmy?!?
- Timmy: Let's go tell Zach!
- Kevin: Zach! Make a wish and it'll come true!
(Zach wishes they'd die, and they do)
- Zach: Fucking jerks. It's three in the morning...
(scene starts in USS Enterprise Montgomery Scott or Scotty arrives at the bridge in USS Enterprise)
- Captain James T. Kirk: Report, Mr. Scott.
- Scotty: Captain, somebody traded all of the dilithium crystals for pornographic holograms!
- James T. Kirk: And?
- Scotty: With no power, all life support on the ship is about to fail.
- James T. Kirk: And?
- Scotty: Our only hope is to beam down to the nearest planet, but there is only enough power to send five people. I can't do no more!
- Mr. Spock: Captain, logic dictates that each of the 433 crew members.
- Lt. Uhura: Hey! Where did Kirk go? (camera scene changes to the same bridge scene without James Kirk) Oh, no. He didn't.
[while deciding who gets to beam off the ship]
- Lt. Uhura: Uh, I have a vagina.
- Scotty: Sure.
- Mr. Spock: A vagina could prove quite useful.
- Red Shirt Crewman: I'm Toby the Red Shirt. You need a red shirt, you just do.
- Mr. Spock: Quite logical.
- Scotty: Sure.
[the whole crew on the planet looks to the Red Shirt Crewman to eat first]
- Red Shirt Crewman: Aww, fuck all you all!
- Mr. Spock: It is your duty as a crewman.
- Red Shirt Crewman: Screw that. On behalf of all the red shirts who fell before me, it makes me proud to speak the following sentence. [long pause] I'm the only one who brought a gun!
- Kirk: Ohhh....
[black screen, you hear four phaser shots; shows the Red Shirt Crewman eating Kirk's arm]
- Red Shirt Crewman: Mmmmm, that's good ham.
Day at the Circus [2.17]
- Snow Job: Hey guys, going on a mission? Can I come?
- Flint: Sorry Snow Job, this mission doesn't require ski's.
- Gung-Ho: Wearin' a blindingly white outfit in the middle of jungle warfare makes you a very shootable target, man!
- Snow Job: Bunch of G.I. Jerks!
Lust for Puppets [2.18]
- Calvin: Native Americans would be more plentiful if they hadn't traded their land for casinos!
- Hobbes: Well, cowboys never even existed! They're just a masculine image campaign purported by Marlboro!
- Calvin's Dad: I think something's wrong with our son.
- Hobbes: Calvin, your parents don't believe [that Hobbes is alive]. We have to kill them. [gets out a chainsaw.]
- Calvin: (while at a psychiatrist) This is some bullshit!
- Hobbes: Yeah!
- [A man is standing next to another man. The first man takes out a cell phone and takes a picture of his penis. Then he sends it to someone who he thinks is the other man. Then, the phone rings.]
- Man: Hello? Grandma! Oh G-I'm sorry! No, I-I must've misdialed.
- Cameron Diaz: [Hits Bill Murray with a baseball bat.] That's for making Lucy Liu cry on the set of Charlie's Angels, Bill Murray! [Then goes to another house and hits Ben Stiller with the bat.] That's for giving me cancer with your fake semen, Ben Stiller!
- Ben Stiller: I was just an actor! That stuff gave me cancer too!
- Cameron Diaz: Well--[hits him again.] That's for having cancer!
- [Mario & Luigi have driven their go-kart into an auto-repair garage and come out with a customized car.]
- Mario: Mamma Mia! Luigi, we got-a pimped-out-a ride!
- [after evading the police, Mario & Luigi drive up to a prostitute.]
- Mario: Look, Luigi! It's the princess! [to prostitute] Princess, you must-a come with us!
- Prostitute: I'll suck your cock for fifty bucks!
- Mario: Princess!
- Luigi: Do you accept-a coins?
- Mushroom Seller: [giving Mario one] This is some really good shit, man.
- [Mario eats it and gets high to heal his wounded shoulder.]
- Mario: Ah-ha-hi! Oo-hoo! Wow! I feel-a really good! Look at the pretty colors. Ha-hi! Hoo-hoo! Hee-hee!
- [Police sirens. The Mushroom Seller and Prostitute flee from the scene.]
- Luigi: Oh, Jesus! It's-a the fuzz!
- Mario: [thinks he see coins on the road] Ah-ha-ha! I-a feel so funny! Look, There's-a coins everywhere! Ha-ha! I'm-a rich!
- Luigi: Mario, no!
- [the coins are actually pedestrians as Mario hits them with the car.]
- Luigi: I think I should-a drive!
- [they crash and fly out of the car.]
- Officer 1: Freeze! Put your hands in the air!
- Officer 2: Hey, he's [Luigi] got a wrench!
- Officer 1: Take him down!
- [Officers shoot Luigi.]
- Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! He's-a marinating in his own Ragù! You killed-a my brother! You sons of-a bitches! [grabs a machine gun and shoots everything in his way.]
- [The army and SWAT show up.]
- Mario: You'll never take me alive, you mother f--[everyone shoots him.]
- Yoshi: [on go-kart; looks at the two roads and goes right; sign says "Raccoon City] Hmmm...Raccoon City sounds lovely! [in the city; looks like a warzone; zombies appear and eat Yoshi]
Donkey Punch [2.19]
- Recording Producer: Okay, lets take it from the top.
- Alvin and the Chipmunks: [singing "terribly"] Christmas Christmas time is here. Time for nuts and time for beer.
- David Seville: [Still hearing their "terrible" voices] Aw, they're just so terrible! They've eaten me out of house and home! They've got to go!
- [David throws a canister of deadly helium into the recording booth, which causes the Chipmunks' voices to become extremely high and much better.]
- Alvin and the Chipmunks: Christmas Christmas Poop-de-poop. Don't buy me a hula hoop.
- David: They're fantastic!
- Recording Producer: This could sell thousands of albums.
- David: [noticing that the Chipmunks have collapsed from inhaling too much helium] Oh right... the deadly helium...
Book of Corrine [2.20]
- Man: She'll have the chef salad and I'll have... I'll have the steak!
- Lobster; Yeah, yeah you better order the steak punk, don't want none o' this bitch, take these rubberbands off an' I'ma go clack-clack all up in your face mother-.
- Big Bird: Oh, boy! I feel like I'm gonna blow chunks of bird seed! [vomits, then collapses.]
- Elmo: Oh no, Big Bird has the bird flu!
- Grover: The Word of The Day is Quarantine! Q-U-A-R-A-N-T-I-N-E, Quarantine!
[In a hospital]
- Big Bird; Snuffelupagus... is that you?
- Doctor: Oh, he must be hallucinating.
- Snuffy: Hi, Bird, I'm so sorry you're sick.
- Big Bird: I'm scared, Snuffy, thank God you can't get it, since you're not real. [Big Bird then dies]
- Snuffy: Yeah, thank G-. [disappears]
- Count von Count: [Handing out vaccines to Bert and crew of Sesame Street] One vaccine, a-hah-hah, Two vaccines, a-hah-hah!
[The show cuts to a separate bit]
- Three Kids: One of these kids is not like the other, one of these kids is dead!
- Announcer: Today's episode brought to you by the letters C.D.C!
[The channel changes to a screen featuring the words (And now a message from the bees) read by another announcer.
- Bee: Hey, boys and girls, remember to BEE yourself.
- Sock Puppet #1: Boy, being a sock puppet really sucks, huh?
- Sock Puppet #2: Yeah, especially when your puppet master is a 14-year old boy who whacks off in your face every night!
[A snail is slowly chased by a "police snail" with a siren and light on it's shell and holding a megaphone]
- Police Snail:
- Santa Claus:
- Professor: [Laughing] Ah Projaq, you're a gift of former mad scientists everywhere; with your help I'll use my inventions for good, right boys?
[Lightening strikes Robot Number Five]
- Robot: I live! This is awesome!
[walks downtown]
- Robot: I'm alive, I'm alive!
[Townspeople scream in terror]
- Robot: Ahaha, yeah; ooh, sparkly!
[Breaks glass of jewelry store]
- Robot: Aw, being alive holds such amazing wonders!
- Police Men: Freeze, uh hands a-above your head sir!
- Robot: I love you all!
[Police shoot at Robot]
- Robot: I want to play too!
[Shoots machine gun through his stomach]
- Robot: What a great game; I win!
[Dog barks at Robot]
- Robot: Look at you.
[Grabs the dog with a harsh grip on dog killing and bleeding the dog]
- Robot: I haven't seen anything so adorable in all my twenty minutes of life; come here you!
- Professor: Well boys I hope you...oh my god!
[Robot sleeps on ground with dog in hand]
- Police Men: Freeze copkiller!
- Professor: What, no!
- Police Men: There'd better be a reason!
[Police start shooting]
- Professor: [Struggling to stay up in gunfire] Aah no!
- Announcer: Vanax, get your smile back; but without the desire to build giant robots
Werewolf vs. Unicorn [3.01]
[The final scene of season 2 plays, with everyone being killed by Matthew Senreich, including Seth Green - cut to a graveyeard, where we see all the characters tomestones, and stops at Seth's. A zombie hand pushes from the dirt]- Mike Lazzo: Ratings are through the roof, bitches. You guys are getting renewed for a 3rd season.
- Matthew: Thats what the fuck I'm talking about!
- Keith Crofford: But at what cost....
- Mike: You say something Keith?
- Keith: No, no I didn't say anything.....
[Seth, as a zombie, smashes through window and starts to eat Keith's brains]
- Keith AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
- Mike: Horny Thornbread!
- Matthew: Holy fucking ass-crackers!
[Mike and Matthew run towards the elevator, zombies coming after them]
- Mike: Oh! fuck!
- Matthew: (repeately pushing the elevator button) Come on, come on, COMMMEEE ONNNNN...
- Mike: What are we going to do?!?
- Matthew: I've got an idea! [pushes Mike into the zombies]
- Mike: Oh, you Bastard.. [eaten by zombies]
- Matthew: [jumps in elevator] Booyah!
Squaw Bury Shortcake [3.02]
[Isaac Newton is reading a book as an apple from a tree falls on his head]- Isaac Newton: Motherfucking, piece of shit
[A little boy is brushing his teeth in his bathroom as a green monster pops out of his toliet.]
- Monster: Are You Timmy?
[The little boy shakes his head no.]
- Monster: Dammit. I'll find him.
[Ents running past a little girl.]
- Little Girl: Run Forest Run!
Ban on the Fun [3.11]
- Spartan: (while watching
- Spartan: (while at a party) THIS...IS...MARTHA!!
- Spartan" (while eating dinner) THIS...IS...SCRUMPTIOUS!!
- Scientist: (while giving a speech) also.. a is no longer a vowel, north no longer a direction, and Oh, your sister, no longer A VIRGIN, AhhYo!!
Slaughterhouse on the Prairie [3.13]
- Monkey: "Sorry about AIDS. That was me."
[A massive rain storm is falling on the Smurf Village]
- Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: "Papa Smurf Papa Smurf it's smurfing like a mothersmurfer. What if the dam breaks?"
- Papa Smurf " This is exactly why I'm Papa Smurf and you're just...uhhh...uh...uh which smurf are you?"
- Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: "Oh I'm Army Corp of Engineer Smurf."
- Papa Smurf "That Dam was smurfed by the finest construction crew the forest has to offer."
[Cuts to several beavers. One has it's head stuck in a bucket, one is hiting it's head against a tree and one is humping another beaver. Suddenly the crappy wooden dam, just a few logs piled haphazardly across the river, breaks.]
- Grandpa Smurf: "I did't evacuate when them chipmonks went rabid, and that was bad. Sure as hell ain't evacuating for a little rain.
[Smurf village is shown flooded, with Smurf bodies floating in the water.]
- Anderson Copper: "Destruction. Devestation. A community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam fail?"
[News footage shows bodies, two smurfs holding up a sign that says "Smurf Fema" before a hawk swoops in and grabs one of them and a smurf looting a T.V from an appliance store.]
[Cuts to Gargamel's home, who is watching Anderson Copper on TV.]
- Gargamel: "I've spent my entire adult life trying to find the smurf village. How did Anderson (bleep)ing Copper find it in less than a day?"
- Anderson Copper: " And where is the king during the greatest crisis the forest has ever known?"
- Brainy Smurf: "Papa Smurf says that the king doesn't care about blue people and Papa Smurf is always right because Papa Smurf..."
[Begins to look around surprised]
- Brainy Smurf: "Papa Smurf?"
- Anderson Copper": "What is it Brainy?"
- Brainy Smurf: "Usually the other smurfs kick me out of the village when I start talking to much, but there are no smurfs left!"
[Brainy starts crying.]
[Gargamel is scooping up dead smurfs in a fishing net.]
- Gargamel: "Ha Ha Ha! This is the best day of my life! Hahahha."
[Gargamel is cutting up smurf bodies, putting them in blenders and pulling out a bowel of smurfs from the oven.]
[Gargamel is at the dinner table]
- Gargamel" Triumph at last hahhaha."
[Takes a bite of the smurf meal and immediately has a disgusted look on his face. He then takes the plate of smurfs over to the garbage can throws them away.]
- Gargamel is on the phone ordering take-out looking deppresed " Hello it's Gargamel, yes the usual. Oh with fried rice please! For one."
Chirlaxx [3.20]
- Sir Mix-a-Lot:
This table's long, but it should be round
King Arthur can't hear a sound
When a knight tries to talk
That brother's gotta walk
'bout half a freakin' block to be heard
Can't hear a word
'cause this table is so absurd
Us knights got much to discuss
But this table's ridiculous
"Yo, can you pass me some beer?!"
Can't even flirt with ladies
Better have long arms when you're havin' a meal
If you're trying to cop a feel
We need a new proportion
To bring our kingdom fortune
I got an idea that might work for ya
I'm-a make this mother circular
Sir Galahad!
It's like King Arthur's crown
Table be round! Table be round.
Now with this circulation
We can have nice conversation
You know hos like diameter
Robot Chicken: Star Wars
- Intro Text: Not long ago in a galaxy not far enough away...
- Stormtrooper: [Luke Skywalker slices off a trap door on the bottom of an AT-AT Walker and tosses a grenade inside of it; the Stormtrooper is sitting on a toilet with a Playboy magazine] What in the [bleep] is... [the grenade sets off, sending the AT-AT to the ground in a static explosion]
- Emperor Palpatine: [snickering, while talking with two guests] So, I threw the senate at him - the whole senate! True story!
- Guest 1: Oh, my God! That is so funny!
- Guest 2: [chuckling, while drinking milk from a carton] You made it come out of my nose!
- Emperor Palpatine: [laughs; phone beeps; presses a button] Go for Papa Palpatine.
- Operator: You have a collect call from:
- Darth Vader: [breathing] ...Darth Vader.
- Emperor Palpatine: Eh... I gotta take this, hold on. [picks up phone] Vader! How's my favorite Sith? [pause] Whoa, whoa, whoa... whoa. Whoa. Just slow down. Huh? What do you mean they, "blew up the Death Star"? [pause; bleep] Oh, [bleep; bleep; bleep]! Oh, who's "they"?! [pause] What the hell is an "Aluminum Falcon"?! [sighs] Ok. Ok. S-so, who's left? [pause] Are you [bleep]ing me?! Well, where are you?! Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Uggh, you must smell like... feet, wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon! [pause] Oh, oh, oh, I'm, I'm sorry, I thought my dark lord of the Sith could protect a small, thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have, do you have any idea what this is going to do to my credit? [phone beeps] Uggh, hang on, I got another call. [to other caller] What?! I'm very busy right now! [pause; calm] Oh... oh, well... well, where are they going? [pause] Oh, all right. Umm... just get me a.. turkey club. [pause] Uh... coleslaw, I guess. I'm, I'm not even going to eat it. Wha-what, what're you getting? Yeah, see, I, uh, always order the wrong thing. Naw, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Ok, bye -- wh-what? [pause] Oh, uh, cherry Coke. Thanks. [switches back to Darth Vader] Sorry about that. [sighs; pause] What? Oh, oh, "just rebuild it"?! Oh, tha--, real, real [bleep]ing original! And who's going to give me a loan, jackhole, you?! You, you got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite?! Now, get your seven-foot two asthmatic ass back here or I'm going to tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about "Pada-mam-ay" or "Panda Bear" or whatever the hell her name is! [pause; covers phone with hand; whispering to guests] Oh, geez, he's crying! [snickers; back to Darth Vader] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... c'mon... c'mon, don't do that. Just... just... ah, look, I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now - the Death Star blown up by a bunch of [bleep]ing teenagers, you know? I didn't mean to snap. [pause; does a "wanker" hand motion] Oh, oh, just, just get back here. Okay... okay. Bye, ah... I... [pause; whispers into phone] I love you, too. [hangs up]
- [inside the Mos Eisley Cantina]
- Bartender: What'll it be, pal?
- Jawa: [high-pitched voice] Martini!
- Janitor: [on Naboo; whistling; Darth Maul's upper and lower torso fall in front of him as he's sweeping] Oh, gee-- oh, my God! [sweeps it away] ...I gotta get that transfer to Coruscant.
- Boy: [at breakfast table with his sister] Ugh, I guess we have to eat this boring oatmeal.
- Admiral Ackbar: [bursts into the room and smacks the oatmeal bowls off the table] It's a trap!
- Boy & Girl: Wow! Admiral Ackbar! [Admiral Ackbar takes out a box of Admiral Ackbar Cereal] Wow! Admiral Ackbar Cereal! [Admiral Ackbar pours the cereal into new cereal bowls]
- Boy: Colorful marshmallows!
- Girl: Imitation crab meat!
- Admiral Ackbar: Your tongues can't repel flavor of that magnitude!
- Girl: There's a prize in every box! [pours more cereal into the bowl as a blue flop falls out; children then look into the hall as Admiral Ackbar does a moonwalk]
- Narrator: Admiral Ackbar Cereal! Now, with brine shrimp!
- Ponda Baba: [in Ponda Baba's bedroom; wakes up and speaks in his native tongue -- Ponda Baba grumbles in a deep, intimidating and incoherent voice] [subtitles] Today's gonna be great! I can already tell! [takes a shower; eats Admiral Ackbar Cereal while reading the back of the cereal box; brushes teeth; walks outside with a brown briefcase] [subtitles] Today's the day I get that promotion!
- [at work]
- Dr. Evazan: Wazuuuup, Ponda!
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] Wazuuuup, Evazan!
- Dr. Evazan: Let's bust out early and hit that new cantina across the street!
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] I really shouldn't-
- Dr. Evazan: C'mooon! One drink ain't gonna kill ya!
- [at the Mos Eisley Cantina]
- Dr. Evazan: --like I'm really gonna eat of bananas after that?!
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] Ha, ha, ha! You are so funny, man!
- [ Luke Skywalker takes a seat besides Ponda Baba and accidentally bumps into his shoulder; Ponda gets his attention by pushing him on the shoulder. He then speaks to him but Luke is completely oblivious to what Ponda is saying]
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] I love your hair! Where do you get it done?
- [Luke turns away; Evazan gets his attention by tapping him on the shoulder]
- Dr. Evazan: He doesn't like you.
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] That's not what I said!
- Luke Skywalker: Sorry. [turns away again; Evazan pushes Luke's shoulder]
- Dr. Evazan: I don't like you, either. You better watch yourself. We're wanted men.
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] What?
- Dr. Evazan: I have the death sentence on twelve systems.
- Luke Skywalker: I'll be careful.
- Dr. Evazan: You'll be dead!
- Ponda Baba: [shoves Evazan away; shakes Luke by the shoulders] Hey! I'm really sorry about my friend, man. He's had way too much to drink-
- [ Ben Kenobi severs Ponda Baba's arm with a lightsaber]
- Ponda Baba: AAAGGGHHHHHH!!
- [at work again]
- Manager: Gee, Ponda. I just don't see how you can keep designing with no drawing arm.
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] But I'm ambidextrous. See? [lifts up a picture of an incredible poorly drawn house and flower]
- Manager: I'm sorry, but we have to let you go. [walks away]
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] Dang it!
- [ C-3PO walks through a metal detector and a buzzer goes off while R2-D2 slides through on a conveyor belt beside the metal detector]
- C-3PO: Oh... oh, dear! My keys! [takes out keys and puts them into a tray despite the fact he is what's setting of the metal detector] Hah-hah!
- Qui-Gon Jinn: [slicing through a steel door with a lightsaber; to Obi-Wan Kenobi] It's almost open, hold onto this. [puts his arm out with his lightsaber and lets go, thinking Obi-Wan has it -- Obi-Wan drops his own lightsaber while trying to catch Qui-Gon's but fails as both lightsabers saw straight through several floors below]
- Random Workers Below: Whoa, coming through! -- The wall's on fire! -- Get a first-aid kit! -- [elephant trumpets] -- Whoa, what was that?! -- That looked like a lightsaber! -- This is my first day! -- [car alarm sets off]
- [an officer walks in on Darth Vader getting his helmet placed onto his head by a machine -- the machine accidentally clings to Vader's head and lifts him up as he wiggles a little]
- Darth Vader: What the?! ...Little help?
- Imperial Officer: Welcome to Orientation Day here on the jolly, old Death Star! Now, there are a few things we want to go over with you concerning Lord Vader. First and foremost, he thinks he has the power to strangle us! Truth is, he doesn't. If he ever realized this, he would kill us with his lightsaber. Thus, to keep us safe, we'll all pretend to get strangled. Ok! Let's try a practice.
- [Commander Winston walks over]
- Imperial Officer: Commander Winston here will assist me. I'm going to hold out my hand like Lord Vader, and he will pretend to be strangled. [holds out his hand as Winston gasps, holding his throat, pretending to be strangled] Gasping for air; grabs throat; yes, eyes back, and he's down! [Winston collapses] Good show, commander! Now, two of the floor chiefs will retrieve the corpse. [two floor chiefs retrieve Winston and drag him out of the room] Redress him, add a mustache... [Winston comes back in again] and he's back to work as Lieutenant Leopold! Vader has the satisfaction of killing someone, and we stay amongst the living! Why, Private Perkins over there has been strangled over 30 times! Haven't you Perkins? [laughs; Private Perkins is shown wearing funky-looking glasses and an old man's beard] Good man!
- [the Death Star implodes as Luke Skywalker flies away in an aircraft]
- Luke Skywalker: Yeeah! This is awesome! R2, patch me through! I wanna call Uncle Owen and Aunt... [remembers that they're dead] ooh.
- Nerd: [gets into an elevator with George Lucas; gasps] You're George Lucas!
- George Lucas: Uhh, I take it you're here for the Star Wars convention?
- Nerd: I sure am! Ooo, wanna see my costume? [begins to dress into it]
- George Lucas: Uhhh... hm.
- Nerd: See? I'm a Tauntaun! But I don't have to tell you -- you invented Tauntauns!
- George Lucas: Well, that's uh.. that's very interesting--
- Nerd: Listen to my Tauntaun call! Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-ooh-rah-ahh!
- George Lucas: [elevator stops] Uhh... nicely done. [runs out of the elevator; sees a group of Star Wars fans in front of him] Oh, dear God...
- Star Wars Fan #1: [screaming] Oh, my God, George LUCAAAAAS!
- George Lucas: Oh, dear God, oh, dear God... [runs away]
- Star Wars Fan #2: I love you! Give me a baby!
- Nerd: [halts George Lucas] Quickly, sir! Onto my back! I am your steed!
- George: Uhh... [pause; gets on] I have a bad feeling about this...
- Nerd: [begins hopping away] Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah!
- George: Oh, dear God! [they enter the convention room on the stage; Lucas gets off and stands at the podium and gets small feedback from the microphone] Uh, well, um... and I thought they smelt bad on the outside. [laughter, cheers, and applause from the audience]
- Nerd: Just like in the movie! [George Lucas offers his hand to the nerd] Me?! [takes his hand and bows, hyperventilating] Thank you! Thank you!
- [scene switches to the nerd in his old age with his grandson on his lap]
- Old Nerd: ...And that was the greatest day of my whole life.
- Grandson: What about when I was born?
- Old Nerd: Not even close.
- Luke Skywalker: [with a helmet on next to Ben Kenobi] But with the flash shield down, I can't even see! Aw, how am I supposed to fight? [Ben waves his hand in front of the helmet, seeing that Luke really can't see anything; he then knees him in the crotch] Oooh! [falls and then gets back up, swinging his lightsaber around; Kenobi knees him again] Oooh!
- Space Slug #1: [emerges from a burrowed tunnel and attempts to devour the Millennium Falcon but misses; in an Australian accent] Aww! Damn it!
- Space Slug #2: [emerges from a tunnel right beside the other space slug; also, in an Australian accent] Wuh, what is it?
- Space Slug #1: I never get a spaceship! Never! I never get anything!
- Space Slug #2: Should we order some Chinese food?
- Space Slug #1: [whisper] I dunno... I guess.
- Space Slug #2: We'll get some Chinese. [submerges into the hole and reappears with a headset on, dialing a number] Uh, hello, yeah, can we get, um... [to first space slug] what do you think? Five million tons of kung-pow chicken?
- Space Slug #1: That's good.
- Space Slug #2: [back to phone] Yeah, three million pot stickers, and, uh, one order of scallion pancakes and uh--
- Space Slug #1: Get some fried rice.
- Space Slug #2: Oh, yeah, five million tons of fried rice. Um, cash or charge? It's um... hold on. [to first space slug] We're just gonna gobble him up when he gets here, right?
- Space Slug #1: Yeah, 'course.
- Space Slug #2: Ok, it's cash, then.
- Janitor: [on Coruscant; Mace Windu screams off-screen, then falls in front of the janitor as he's sweeping; sighs] I gotta get that transfer to the Death Star.
{Note: This is also part of the Massage Chair episode
- [at the doctor's office]
- Doctor: Mr. President, your vitals all check out fine. There is just one thing - your midi-chlorian count is extraordinarily high.
- George W. Bush: Does that mean that I'm one of them... what ah, whatcha call 'em... Jedis? [thinks; pulls down the doctor's pants with the Force; snickers]
- [in bed, next to Laura Bush; George runs his hand up and down the side of Laura]
- Laura Bush: Oooh, not tonight. I'm tired, honey.
- George W. Bush: You're not tired; you want to have a threesome!
- Laura Bush: [under mind control] I'm not tired; I want to have a threesome.
- George W. Bush: [smiles and picks up phone] Get me Condi! [snickers]
- [at a McDonalds; Bill Clinton pulls up in front of George's black SUV in the drive-thru in his red Corvette]
- Bill Clinton: Oh, sorry, Dubyuh! Big Mac attack! Yeeeee-whoooo!
- [George uses the Force to lift Bill Clinton's car into the air, then drops it into a pond near McDonalds]
- Bill Clinton: Hey, hey! Whoa! What the dilly?!
- George W. Bush: [parks in Bill Clinton's parking space; snickers]
- [at the Lincoln Memorial; George W. Bush carves "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial with a lightsaber]
- George W. Bush: [snickers] Saber beats rock. [gasps] What the hell?!
- [the Lincoln Memorial raises up revealing a figure sitting underneath it, clouded by fog and a glowing white light; a machine lowers a top hat onto the figure's head; the figure turns around as a choir vocalizes, then reveals itself to be none other than Abraham Lincoln, who is a Sith]
- Abraham Lincoln: Who dares disturb my slumber?
- George W. Bush: Who dares question my... daring... of.. his.. dare? ...Jerk!
- Abraham Lincoln: It is I who freed the slaves! I who indited--
- George W. Bush: Boooriiing. Let's fight!
- [Abraham Lincoln takes out a red lightsaber and begins to battle George W. until he finds himself cornered in the National Mall]
- Abraham Lincoln: If you strike me down, I shall become -- wait a minute, let me finish! Arrgghh!
- George W. Bush: [attacks Abraham Lincoln with his lightsaber as Lincoln completely vanishes on contact with the saber, excluding his clothes] That'll teach you, George Washington!
- [at the Death Star]
- George W. Bush: Jenna, get over here right now! I am your father!
- Jenna Bush: That's not true! That's impossible! My real father would let me go clubbing as late as I want! [gives George the finger]
- George W. Bush: You little! [severs Jenna's middle finger off with a lightsaber]
- Jenna Bush: Owwww! [falls off ledge]
- George W. Bush: Oh, no! Baby, I-I'm sorry!
- Jenna Bush: [slowly fades out as she falls] Ahhhhhh! You suck!
- George W. Bush: Nnnoooooooooo--
- [George wakes up in the White House Oval office]
- George W. Bush: [snores] What?! Who? Was it just a dream...?
- Executive: Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction.
- George W. Bush: [waves two fingers, thinking he still has the power of Jedi mind control] You have found weapons of mass destruction.
- Executive: Uhhh... hi. We haven't.
- George W. Bush: [still waving fingers] You have.
- Executive: [sighs] I don't know what you're doing.
- George W. Bush: [waves fingers faster] Bring me a taco.
- Executive: Yes, sir. [runs to get a taco]
- George W. Bush: [snickers] Tacos rule.
- Weather Reporter: Cloud City will be cloudy this evening, followed by clouds.
- [ Han Solo hacks open a dead Tauntaun's stomach with a lightsaber; a homeless man emerges from the wound with a beer bottle in hand]
- Bum: Get your own Tauntaun!
- [at the Death Star]
- Luke Skywalker: Your overconfidence is your weakness.
- Emperor Palpatine: Your faith in your friends is yours!
- Luke Skywalker: [chuckle; whisper] Faith in yo' mama.
- Emperor Palpatine: What was that?!
- Luke Skywalker: I said, yo' mama so fat, Jabba the Hutt said, "DAAAAMN!"
- Emperor Palpatine: Well, your mother's so ugly, she put the "Ug" in Ugnaught!
- Darth Vader: Aww, yo' mama fight!
- [Darth Vader stands by a chalkboard to keep score while making a piece of chalk levitate with the Force; Luke and Emperor Palpatine stand on opposite sides from each other]
- Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so stupid, she spent all day saying, "am not!" to R2! [Vader gives Luke a point]
- Crowd: Oooohh!
- Emperor Palpatine: Your mother is so fat that Ben Kenobi said, "that's no moon, [gets up in Luke's face] that's yo' mama!" [gets a point from Vader]
- Crowd: Ohhh!
- Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so dumb, she thought Jar-Jar, comes with "Pickles-Pickles"! [Vader gives Luke another point]
- Crowd: Oooh!
- Emperor Palpatine: Your mother is so stupid, she.. she thinks a lightsaber has fewer calories! [silence; Palpatine acts as if he'll get a big, positive reaction but doesn't; Darth Vader shakes his head in disgrace]
- Guy in Crowd: Huh? I don't get it.
- Emperor Palpatine: It's "lite"... like, it's "lite," like calories... like, "lite" means there's not a lot of calories and it's good.... for your body, that's how stupid your mother is. [does not earn a point]
- Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so stupid, she went to Bangkok to get a TIE Fighter! [receives another point]
- [the crowd cheers]
- Luke Skywalker: And Luke wins!
- [Darth Vader lifts Emperor Palpatine over his head and walks him over to a ledge]
- Emperor Palpatine: What are you doing? Wh-what are you doing?! P-put me down! N-no! [Vader tosses Palpatine over the ledge] AAAHHHHHH!
- [at the Death Star]
- Emperor Palpatine: --AARRGGHH!! [lands in front of the janitor while he's sweeping]
- Janitor: Oh, come on! [pause; sweeps away Palpatine's corpse] What are they doing up there all the time?
- [in the prisoner control room; Luke Skywalker, Han Solo (both dressed as Stormtroopers), and Chewbacca gun down multiple Stormtroopers]
- Stormtrooper Officer: [on a communication panel] What's happened up there?
- Han Solo: [takes off helmet and sits next to the communication panel] Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh, everything's perfectly all right now! We're.. fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?
- Stormtrooper Officer: We're sending a squad up.
- Han Solo: Uh, uh, negative! We have a reactor leak here, now. Give us a minute to lock it down! Large leak; very dangerous.
- Stormtrooper Officer: There's no reactor on that floor.
- Han Solo: Yes, well... [picks up a yellow book and cycles through it] I talked to... Dave.. Johnson? In Stormtrooper Engineering, and he said there is a reactor here!
- Stormtrooper Officer: Dave Johnson? Hang on one sec... ok, I have Dave Johnson on the line, Dave! Did you tell someone there's a reactor in the prisoner control room?
- Dave Johnson: Uhh, no. No, no, there's no reactor there.
- Han Solo: Well, I don't know what to tell ya, but I'm staring straight at a reactor! Maybe Vader had it installed yesterday.
- Stormtrooper Officer: Hang on a second.
- Darth Vader: [breathing; Han Solo reacts frightened from hearing his voice; Chewbacca does a barrel-roll and comes into view, aiming his crossbow around at random things; Han Solo then says, "shhh!" and cues that there are people talking on the communication panel; Chewbacca makes a small roar and makes a "shh" gesture his hand as they both listen carefully] What do you want?
- Stormtrooper Officer: Lord Vader, did you install a reactor in the prisoner control room?
- Darth Vader: Umm... not that I know of. Hang on one second. Sheila, can you get me the plans to the Death Star? Okie-dokie. Uhh... the plans here, let me have a look... buh, buh, buh, buh... reactor, reactor, reactor... [Han Solo looks at Chewbacca; Chewbacca shrugs, looks around briefly, and then points to the elevator as if there are Stormtroopers coming; Han Solo looks over and Chewbacca sneaks away; Han Solo looks back to where Chewbacca was and shrugs, leaning onto the communication panel in boredom] boo, boo, boo... no reactor that I can see, but might as well put one in; there's always room for another reactor.
- Stormtrooper Officer: We'll send a team up to build a new reactor.
- Han Solo: Uh, no, no! Nooot necessary! We've got it under control! [takes out his blaster and shoots the communication panel] Boring conversation, anyway. Ok, let's build this reactor!
- Darth Vader: Inform the Emperor that the Jedi Temple has been sealed.
- Private Perkins: Yes, my Lord. [walks away]
- Jar-Jar Binks: Ani?! Ani! Little Ani!
- Darth Vader: Jar-Jar, I am no longer Anakin Skywalker...
- Jar-Jar Binks: [touches Vader's cape] These are some nice-ah duds, ah-poopah!
- Darth Vader: Look, Jar-Jar, it is very important... [Jar-Jar taps on Vader's helmet; groans, then scares Jar-Jar back a step] that you never speak to me again.
- Jar-Jar Binks: What'sa happen to you? Yousa burn your face... [takes off Vader's helmet and looks at him for a brief moment before Vader quickly puts his helmet back on] AAAHHH! Ani-bo-bani!! [shakes Vader by the shoulders] What'sa happen to you?!
- Darth Vader: [grabs Jar-Jar by the ears and pulls him towards a door as Jar-Jar screams] Jar-Jar. Homey. My main man. Quickly, before the Separatists attack, get into the escape pod! [tosses Jar-Jar into an airlock chamber]
- Jar-Jar Binks: Hey, if this is escape, then where the pod? [Vader shuts and locks the door] Yousa forgot the pod!! [Vader presses a button which ejects Jar-Jar out into space] WHOOO!
- [a completely motionless toy of Jar-Jar Binks floats out into space with no sounds whatsoever]
- [afterwards]
- Darth Vader: [in bed; sighs, then chuckles maniacally]
- [Jar-Jar Binks appears before Vader's bed as a Force ghost]
- Jar-Jar Binks: Ani! Look! Yousa not gonna believe it! Meesa all sparkly glowy! [Vader covers his own head with a pillow while Jar-Jar bounces around Vader's bed ecstatically] Now, weesa gonna have all the time to spend together! I love you, Ani! Yaaaahh! Ah-haahhh! Ani, yeeeeah!
- Guy on Intercom: [a stripper leaves the stage and three others come out, grinding onto a stripper pole; Luke Skywalker grins and leaves money on the stage] And Toshi Station is proud to present the Powerrr Converterrrrs! Oh, yeah!
- Boba Fett: [talking to a carbonite-frozen Han Solo] Heeey! Mr. Solo! Heh-heh, solo on the rocks! You can't beat me, I'm Boba Fett, I'm the greatest bounty hunter ever! [quickly draws a blaster at Solo] Ah-dow-dow-dow-dow-dow! Haha, yeah! What's that, Solo? Oh, blasters aren't fair? Okay, dig it! [sheaths blaster] No blasters. Oh, ho, ah! [quickly whips out blaster and points it at Solo's face] Didn't see that one comin', did ya? Huh? So slow! Ah, you thought I was over there, but guess what, WHAA! Huh, huh, huh! [somersaults to another place off-screen; pops up and sticks blaster in Solo's face] O-hohoho-ver here! Ah-yaw-aww! [throws blaster on the floor] A little rope-a-dope, little rope-a-dope, ha? [punches the air] Haa, left, right, left, right! Ohhh-hohohohooo! Down goes Solo... [bends over and breathes heavily] ...Huh? [breathes] What's that? What, you wanna face-to-face? Well, lemme just take this bad boy off. [grunts; takes helmet off] Ohh, he's even better lookin' without the helmet! Surprise ending. Huh, wha-, you want me to come closer? [whisper] Oh, you don't wanna fight anymore? [touches Solo's hands] Oh, your hands are up there almost like you're beggin'... beggin' for a little piece of Boba... [begins stroking Solo's hand] Yeah, ya like that, don't ya? [strokes Solo's lips] You like it, 'cause you're bad... oh, yeah... you dirty, little smuggler...
- Chewbacca: [goes to comb hair in the mirror, but then realizes it looks good just the way it is; happily] Grraawww!
- Darth Vader: Turn to the Dark side and join me.
- Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you! You killed my father!
- Darth Vader: No, Luke. I am your father!
- Luke Skywalker: That's not true! That's impossible!
- Darth Vader: And Princess Leia is your sister!
- Luke Skywalker: That's not true! That's... improbable!
- Darth Vader: And the Empire will be defeated by Ewoks!
- Luke Skywalker: That's... [scoffs] very unlikely...
- Darth Vader: And as a child, I built C-3PO!
- Luke Skywalker: Mhm.
- [later]
- Darth Vader: [with a cup of coffee] And the Force? Well, that's just microscopic bacteria in your bloodstream called midi-chlorian.
- Luke Skywalker: [flicks away cigarette] Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously, I'm out. [walks away]
- Emperor Palpatine: [to Luke Skywalker along with Darth Vader] As you can see, my young apprentice, your friends have-- [Palpatine is interrupted by a hammering noise; pauses] --your friends have failed! Now-- [hammering and whirring noises interrupt Palpatine again; pauses] --now, witness the firepower of this fully-- [loud whirring and hammering; Palpatine's voice is highly drowned out] --fully armed and operational station-- oh, come on! [Palpatine walks over to a bunch of construction workers continuing to build the Death Star II, and tries to get their attention, his voice being highly drowned out from drill whirring and hammering] Hey, fellas! Excuse me! Excuse me! [Palpatine taps one worker on the shoulder, who completely haults all the other workers into silence] Eh-hey, the Force is strong with this one, eh? Whaddaya, whaddaya got there, a latte? You have the hazelnut macchiato? Change your life! [all the construction workers cross their arms] ...Aaanywho! Tony, right?
- Ray: Ray.
- Emperor Palpatine: Ray! Sorry, sorry. I get... I get mixed up. Who's, who's, who's Tony? [silence] Anyway, I, I hate to interrupt, I know you're very busy -- is there anyway you could finish this area... you know, later? I'm, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
- Ray: Ugh. Look, Mr. Saltine, I don't tell you how to... threaten your blond kids so, why don't you go back over there to your sit-and-spin and let me do my job?
- Emperor Palpatine: Okay, okay, copy that. Good talk. [clicks tongue and walks back over to Luke and Darth Vader] They'll, eh, they'll, they'll just be a little longer. I, I... I told 'em to stop but, you know, ehh... "no-speak-oh mininum-wage-oh". Heh-heh-heh! So, so, so, where was I? Oh, right, right. [angry] Now, witness the firepower-- [construction noises completely mute out the Emperor; Luke and Vader look at each other; Vader shrugs]
- [on the planet Cloud City, Lobot dances around its empty corridors to Meco's disco remix of the Star Wars theme, almost as if it were an ice rink]
- Hyper Narrator: Jabba the Hutt's hottest singer was blown to smithereens, but his rock 'n roll will never die! Presenting "Max Rebo's Greatest Hits", including: "Why Do I Look Like an Elephant?"
- Max Rebo: [mumbles rhythmatically, but incoherently]
- [other songs scroll by the screen including, "It's Not Easy Being Blue", "Why Do I Look Like an Elephant?", and "I'm Not Afraid of Mice, Baby"]
- Hyper Narrator: "Ohh, I Have an Average Memory"!
- Max Rebo: [mumbles rhythmatically again]
- [more songs scroll by including, "I Have Fingers, Elephants Don't", "Ooh, I Have an Average Memory", "You Know What They Say About Big Ears", "Definitely Not an Elephant", and "Junk in My Trunk"]
- Hyper Narrator: And his Grammy Award-winning single, "I Already Told You I'm Not an Elephant"!
- Max Rebo: [mumbles]
- [more songs scroll by including, "There is No Elephant in the Room, Because I'm Not an Elephant, Mama", and "I Sleep Lying Down, Girl"]
- Hyper Narrator: And his famous duet with *NSYNC's Joey Fatone!
- Joey Fatone: [Max Rebo mumbles in the background with Joey; singing] Neither of us is an elephant!
- Hyper Narrator: [explosion] "Max Rebo's Greatest Hits", the guy who looks like a blue elephant! Order now!
- [a band plays intro music to "Mid-Nite with Zuckuss"]
- Zuckuss: [chops at the air] Hyah, hyah, hyah! Ho-ho-kay everybody! Welcome back to the show! We have a surprise guest tonight, I wasn't really expecting this, Emperor Palpatine is here! [an impersonated Emperor Palpatine appears in Synchro-Vox]
- Emperor Palpatine: Silence! Fear me! [crowd laughs]
- Zuckuss: So, tell me, your highness. How do you plan on putting down this "Rebellion" everyone's talking about?
- Emperor Palpatine: By shooting it with lightning! [crowd laughs] That's how I solve all my problems! And then afterwards, I shall eat pudding. [crowd laughs again]
- Zuckuss: [chuckles] Okay, right! But seriously, the Rebels have already caused major disruptions--
- Emperor Palpatine: I'll show you a major disruption! [mumbling laughter] A major disruption in my adult undergarments! [crowd laughs]
- Zuckuss: Ahhh, chh, okay!
- Emperor Palpatine: Now, can we get out of here? Seriously, Francis, it's time for my soap operas.
- Zuckuss: It's Zuckuss.
- Emperor Palpatine: [retracts off the screen] Peace out, fly-face! Fear meee!
- Zuckuss: Okay, ah, that was fun! Haha, it's time to bring out our next guest, the Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader! [a miniature Darth Vader comes hopping out to comical music, swiping his lightsaber around; Zuckuss holds his head to stop him from coming closer] Whoahohoho, easy! You could hurt someone with that! [crowd laughs; Zuckuss takes the lightsaber and tosses it aside] Whoa, easy boy, easy boy! Ah-haha, well, that's our show tonight! Stay tuned for late night talk with Sinbad! [the Death Star floats into view out the studio window behind Zuckuss and briefly charges up a green beam, then shoots Zuckuss at the back of the head; the screen goes stand-by]
- Technical Message: TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY
- Princess Leia: [in bed with Luke Skywalker] That was so wrong...
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Empire on Ice!
- Luke Skywalker: [while on a Tauntaun] The Empire is chasing us, they simply will not cease!
- Han Solo: Aw, man! My nuts are freezing, kid, I'm up out this bitch!
- Luke & Solo: Peace! [scene changes to Luke on a Tauntaun with a Wampa]
- Wampa: I'm the Wampa! I'm the snowman! And I don't take any lip from no man!
- Luke Skywalker: But-- [the Wampa slashes Luke's face and drags him away] AAHH! [janitors skate by and clean up Luke's blood as Han Solo and Princess Leia skate out]
- Han Solo: [singing in the tune of Princess Leia's theme] I know you want me bad, Princess! I know you're such a flirter!
- Princess Leia: Shut up, you scruffy nerf-herder! [slaps Han and skates away as Solo holds his cheek]
- C-3PO: [begins to skate around Han with R2; sings in the tune of the Cantina Band] Luke, he hasn't checked in yet, it might be that he is done! His chances of surviving here are ten billion and five to one!
- R2-D2: [spins and beeps] [scene changes]
- Chewbacca: [skates into view with Han Solo and roars]
- Probe: You are so dumb! The Empire's been alerted and here they come! [Han Solo shoots the probe; scene changes to all the previous cast of "Empire on Ice" skating into view, along with robed Stormtroopers and AT-AT Walkers; in the tune of "The Imperial March"]
- All: Empire on ice! Empire on ice! Here we are, the Empire on ice! All those Rebels will pay a big price! Vader's - not nice, and the Tauntaun - get's sliced, and Chewbacca - has lice, the Empire on ice! Empire on ice! [the Wampa begins to spin around for a long time on the toe of his skates] Empire on iiiiice! [the Wampa stops and rests on one knee, raising his arms while breathing heavily]
- Darth Vader: [breathing]
- Jar-Jar Binks: [next to Vader, who's sitting up in his bed] Eehhh-yaa-hah-hahhh! [hops and jumps around] Ani, yeeeah! Yeeeeaaah!
Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode II
- [a guy dressed up in a Stormtrooper outfit takes out a lunch box and thermos bottle]
- Wife: Gary, where is Jessica? Isn't today "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"?
- Gary: [sighs] No one actually does that.
- Wife: Gary, you promised. [walks away; the camera slowly zooms in on the motionless Gary]
- [at a Rebel Alliance ship; a group of Stormtroopers blast down a door and begin a blaster-fight with some guards]
- Gary: Keep your head down, Jessica!
- Jessica: Okay, daddy! [Gary takes his daughter's hand and runs to cover; Jessica squeals and accidentally drops her teddy bear into the line of fire] Mr. Fuzzybottom!
- Gary: [stops Jessica from running into the line of fire, then puts his head down in frustration and sighs calmly; carefully walks into the line of fire to get Mr. Fuzzybottom back, dodging an array of red-toned lasers getting fired in his direction; groans] AHHH! [makes his way back to Jessica on his hands and knees, panting heavily] Here you go, baby.
- Darth Vader: Who is this little girl?
- Gary: Oh! Vader! Uh... it's "Take Your Daughter to Work Day", and I know, uh... you know, I'm sorry for bringing her, but my wife says I never see her, and... and let's be honest, she's right! Okay? She's right! [silence] ...Do you have kids? 'Cause, I mean, heh, they change your world. ...Oh, I'm probably gonna get fired for this... but [stands proud] [bleep] it. [takes his daughter's hand and says sternly] I love my daughter.
- Darth Vader: [silence; leans in and thumps his chest with his fist] That really hits me where I live. [grabs a rebel guard by the neck and lifts him up] What have you done with those plans?! Gary here, never sees his daughter because of people like you! [brief pause; bone snaps; realizes what he's done and covers his mouth innocently] I'm so sorry you had to see that. [drops the body; leans in] Are you having fun, being at work with your father?
- Jessica: Mmm... [hides head behind Gary]
- Darth Vader: [chuckles; wiggles around a little] I know, I'm scary.
- [scene change to Tatooine]
- Ben Kenobi: [controlling Gary with Jedi mind control] These aren't the droids you're looking for.
- Gary: These aren't the droids we're looking for.
- Jessica: Yes, they are!
- Ben Kenobi: Move along.
- Gary: Move along. [Ben Kenobi rides away]
- Jessica: Daddy, you're not even trying!
- Gary: Baby, it's 165º degrees on this planet! I can't hear in this thing! [referring to his helmet] I was just repeating what I thought the guy was sayin'! It's not like it's my own mother[bleep]ing thought on the matter, okay?! [Jessica runs away, sobbing] Hon! Aww-- baby! [runs after]
- Stormtrooper: See? That's why I don't bring my daughter to jack [bleep]!
- Darth Vader: [kneeling on the floor] What is thy bidding my master?
- Emperor:my bidding? how about I "bid thee" to stop raming the ship into [bleep]ing asteroids?! can you handle that?!
- Darth Vader: I'm trying...
- Emperor: there is no try there is do and then there's [bleep] up Royal and your [bleep] up Royal so now I'm calling bounty hunters to do the job. [picks up a phone]
- Darth Vader: but..
- Emperor: too late it's dialing. [looks down at Vader] you look so tiny down there like a mean...pepper shaker. Shela, hey it's Palpatine. I need you to place an ad for me. Bounty Hunters needed to...um...to find and locate...ya I guess that does mean the same thing. to locate the Millenium Falcon. [looks back at Vader] she's typing. so all you can see is my head? can you see this? [ Sticks up his middle finger]
- Emperor: [After phone call, crosses arms ] Bet that knee's starting to hurt.
- Darth Vader: Make her tell us the location of the Rebel base.
- Dr. Ball: Good God man, I'm a doctor not a savage! This is a flu shot! Good day sir!
- Darth Vader: You will make her -
- Dr. Ball: I said good day sir!
- Dr. Ball: [Padme's death scene in Revenge of the Sith] She's "lost the will to live"? What is your degree in poetry? You sorry bunch of hippies! For God' sake, don't use the billions of dollars of medical equipment around us! Why don't we just get down on our knees and pray!?! We don't have knees, you motherfuckers!
- [at Cloud City]
- Lando: I've made a deal that will keep the empire out of our affairs forever.
- [door opens to reveal Darth Vader sitting at the head of a table; he rises as Chewbacca roars and Han Solo fires multiple times with his blaster; Vader deflects the blasts and pulls Han's blaster away]
- Darth Vader: We'd be honored if you could join us.
- [Boba Fett stands by Vader and stormtroopers block the entrance; cutaway to everyone sitting at the table; everyone is silent; Han looks in his glass to see it is empty as a stormtrooper serves more food to Lando; Darth Vader tries to drink out of a glass but can't until a stormtrooper puts in a straw]
- Han Solo: [nervously quiet] C-could- can I get a little more water?
- Darth Vader: WHAT?
- Han Solo:Nothing! [clears throat] I just asked for more water. [a stormtrooper refills his glass]
- [Han looks over to Boba who is shaking his head at him, Han is confused, Boba makes a cutting noise across the throat which angers Han, Boba continues mocking Han by shooting a finger gun at Han, Han in response pretends to inflate his middle finger, Boba is not shaken and "cranks" up his own middle finger in response, Han annoyed gives up]
- Lando: [breaking the silence] Sooo, how we doin'? Liea, how's the soup? You ever had soup this good?
- Princess Liea: Yes...[menacingly at Vader] on Alderaan!
- Darth Vader: [chuckling] Hey, princess, let it gooooooo... [gets a muffin using the force and stands up] [doing a mocking reconstruction of the destruction of Alderaan] Ohh, help me! 'We're a peaceful planet.' 'You may fire when ready![throws crumbs in everyone's faces] BOOOOOOOORRRRAAAARRRR!!!!!! Big Laser! BSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Alderaan chunks everywhere! [chuckles] Psssshhhhhhh....[sits down]
- [brief silence]
- Han Solo: Anyone uh...Anyone got a joke?
- Lando: I got one. Who's got two thumbs, and betrayed his best friend? [no response] [cracking up] [points to himself using his thumbs] THIS GUY! [no response] Uhhhhh...too soon?
- Darth Vader: Well...[sighs] it's been a time and a half. But...[sighs again and stretches] lot of torturing to do. Bweep do-da-loop-de-hooo. [sings and walks away accidentally taking the table cloth with him causing all the dishes to crash onto the floor]
Cast
- Seth Green - Various
- Dan Milano - Various
- Breckin Meyer - Various
- Chad Morgan - Various
- Seth MacFarlane - Various
- Mila Kunis - Various (recurring)
- Quinton Flynn - Various (recurring)