The Fiver
Encyclopedia
The Fiver is a daily football
email published by The Guardian
newspaper's website, guardian.co.uk. It is delivered to subscribers’ inboxes at (approximately) 17:00 Monday – Friday (hence the name "Fiver") but does not appear in the print edition of The Guardian newspaper. Even though it is published by a UK based newspaper, The Fiver enjoys a world-wide following. Fiver writers include Paul Doyle
and Barry Glendenning
and are drawn from the Guardian Unlimited
sportswriting staff.
Main stories : Two commentaries on selected events (although this used to be three), usually highlighting the negative side of the modern game, unsportsmalinke behaviour
or the failure or embarrassment of a team or player. These events are usually presented in a humorous, ironic
, cynical and wearily disdainful manner. Occasionally subjects of sufficient importance are dealt with in a completely serious manner, for example the death of a great player or major incidents of crowd racism
Quote of the Day : Features a contemporary quote made by a famous (or infamous) footballing figure, again selected for its comedy value
Fiver Letters : Comments, general observations, criticisms and pedantry. Formerly, a prize was awarded to the letter judged best of the day
Bits and Bobs : An amalgamation of the old News in Brief and Rumour Mill sections (see below)
Still Want More? : Links to other football and sports stories (especially "The Spin") from The Guardian
Last Line : A brief "sign-off" line, typically an esoteric cultural reference, topical comment, song lyric or writers' in-joke
Still Want M-O-R? : A new but short-lived musical interlude section in January 2008 which features one or two old music video clips on YouTube
. It was started because of "surprising (and rather disturbing) popularity" of the Last Line from 10 January 2008. The new section was originally named Musical Interlude the next day and became MOR! MOR! MOR! How Do You Like It? How Do You Like It? on 12 January 2008. Then, it was renamed to Very MOR-ish from 13–17 January 2008 and Please Sir, Can I Have Some M-O-R from 18–22 January 2008. From 23 January 2008, the section was known as Still Want M-O-R? The section was then ended on 31 January
News in Brief : Summary of the day’s stories about player injuries, disciplinary hearings, completed transfers, international matches. Now replaced by Bits and Bobs
Rumour Mill : Managerial and transfer related gossip and speculation culled from other newspapers and websites. Now replaced by Bits and Bobs
use of national and regional stereotypes. For example, frequent references are made to The Fiver’s English
, Scottish
, Welsh
and Irish
'cousin
s': "Sexually Repressed Morris dancing
Fiver", "Shortbread
McFiver", "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver" and "Theme pub O’Fiver" respectively. 'Family' members are often invented as and when required to portray the press of a given country. In addition the most successful teams of the time are usually on the receiving end of many jokes. The Fiver employs the kinds of jokes and insults used by football fans themselves, combining this with sharp observation, which no-doubt contributes towards its popularity amongst its readers, although that could also be why it is often accused of bias by the fans of the team which happens to be on the receiving end. The Fiver is full of irony - even the name of the publication is somewhat humorous as it often arrives well after five o'clock.
Recurring sources of humour include:
being referred to as Big Cup, and its lesser relation the UEFA Cup
being known as Euro Vase. The Scottish Premier League
is usually referred to as the EuroDisney
League or "EuroDisnae League", the implication being that it is a Mickey Mouse league. The FIFA World Cup has been referred to as Biggest Cup, and more frequently the FIFA World Cup, but with a string of sponsor's names, such as Nestle Fuji Texaco Pepsi Max Cyril The Handyman 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa(TM).
's national team were referred to as "Norn Iron Nil" due to their proclivity for losing/failure to score, however, after their shock 1-0 victory over England
in September 2005, became known as "Norn Iron One-Nil". After a poor England performance, former manager Sven-Göran Eriksson
's £4 million salary was usually mentioned, as is current manager Fabio Capello
's £6m salary.
or its president Sepp Blatter
implies that, whatever has been announced, the matter was being discussed simply as an excuse for a gluttonous lunch, with details of the menu usually added for illustrative purposes. This also applied to UEFA
and its former president Lennart Johansson
until Johansson was succeeded by the more respected former player Michel Platini
.
(and hence its own) readers by the 'sandal-wearing muesli-eaters' stereotype
.
. This is largely a continuation of an occasional "This Is How We Work" item, replacing a news story with a tale of the Fiver writer struggling, and failing, to write a meaningful article as the clock ticks towards 5pm, usually culminating in the humiliation of the writer (and "hot tears of shame") at the hands of the Fiver editor. The main Guardian paper, and articles therein, are enviously referred to as "Big Paper".
The Fiver has a cousin The Spin
, which is all of the above, although with a more measured and less overtly humorous outlook, on the subject of cricket, written by Andy Bull.
T-shirts and eat nothing but cheesy Wotsits
. However, checking the time sent, as opposed to the time received, does tend to suggest that the Fiver's timeliness is not as bad as it is often made out to be.
Football (soccer)
Association football, more commonly known as football or soccer, is a sport played between two teams of eleven players with a spherical ball...
email published by The Guardian
The Guardian
The Guardian, formerly known as The Manchester Guardian , is a British national daily newspaper in the Berliner format...
newspaper's website, guardian.co.uk. It is delivered to subscribers’ inboxes at (approximately) 17:00 Monday – Friday (hence the name "Fiver") but does not appear in the print edition of The Guardian newspaper. Even though it is published by a UK based newspaper, The Fiver enjoys a world-wide following. Fiver writers include Paul Doyle
Paul Doyle (journalist)
Paul Doyle is an Irish sportswriter for the British newspaper The Guardian. He is the chief sports writer for Guardian Unlimited, the paper's website. He regularly appears on the Guardian Podcast Football Weekly, hosted by James Richardson, where he often gives updates on the latest news in French...
and Barry Glendenning
Barry Glendenning
Barry Glendenning is an Irish sports journalist who currently holds the position of deputy sports editor on the Guardian Unlimited website run by the UK newspaper The Guardian. He is perhaps best known for his work on Guardian Unlimited's football podcast Football Weekly hosted by James Richardson...
and are drawn from the Guardian Unlimited
Guardian Unlimited
guardian.co.uk, formerly known as Guardian Unlimited, is a British website owned by the Guardian Media Group. Georgina Henry is the editor...
sportswriting staff.
Content
In its current format The Fiver consists of:Main stories : Two commentaries on selected events (although this used to be three), usually highlighting the negative side of the modern game, unsportsmalinke behaviour
Unsportsmanlike conduct
Unsportsmanlike conduct is a foul or offense in many sports that is not necessarily a violation of the respective sport's rules of play, but violates the sport's generally accepted rules of sportsmanship and/or participant conduct...
or the failure or embarrassment of a team or player. These events are usually presented in a humorous, ironic
Irony
Irony is a rhetorical device, literary technique, or situation in which there is a sharp incongruity or discordance that goes beyond the simple and evident intention of words or actions...
, cynical and wearily disdainful manner. Occasionally subjects of sufficient importance are dealt with in a completely serious manner, for example the death of a great player or major incidents of crowd racism
Quote of the Day : Features a contemporary quote made by a famous (or infamous) footballing figure, again selected for its comedy value
Fiver Letters : Comments, general observations, criticisms and pedantry. Formerly, a prize was awarded to the letter judged best of the day
Bits and Bobs : An amalgamation of the old News in Brief and Rumour Mill sections (see below)
Still Want More? : Links to other football and sports stories (especially "The Spin") from The Guardian
The Guardian
The Guardian, formerly known as The Manchester Guardian , is a British national daily newspaper in the Berliner format...
Last Line : A brief "sign-off" line, typically an esoteric cultural reference, topical comment, song lyric or writers' in-joke
In-joke
An in-joke, also known as an inside joke or in joke, is a joke whose humour is clear only to people who are in a particular social group, occupation, or other community of common understanding...
Discontinued sections
TV & Radio : Summary of the evening’s football related programming, accompanied by anecdotal submissions from readers on various and frequently changing themes. This section has yet to return after the 2006 Christmas break. Probably because the Fiver writers can't be bothered looking up what's on TV and radioStill Want M-O-R? : A new but short-lived musical interlude section in January 2008 which features one or two old music video clips on YouTube
YouTube
YouTube is a video-sharing website, created by three former PayPal employees in February 2005, on which users can upload, view and share videos....
. It was started because of "surprising (and rather disturbing) popularity" of the Last Line from 10 January 2008. The new section was originally named Musical Interlude the next day and became MOR! MOR! MOR! How Do You Like It? How Do You Like It? on 12 January 2008. Then, it was renamed to Very MOR-ish from 13–17 January 2008 and Please Sir, Can I Have Some M-O-R from 18–22 January 2008. From 23 January 2008, the section was known as Still Want M-O-R? The section was then ended on 31 January
News in Brief : Summary of the day’s stories about player injuries, disciplinary hearings, completed transfers, international matches. Now replaced by Bits and Bobs
Rumour Mill : Managerial and transfer related gossip and speculation culled from other newspapers and websites. Now replaced by Bits and Bobs
Humour
Much of the "humour" in The Fiver derives from the tongue-in-cheekTongue-in-cheek
Tongue-in-cheek is a phrase used as a figure of speech to imply that a statement or other production is humorously intended and it should not be taken at face value. The facial expression typically indicates that one is joking or making a mental effort. In the past, it may also have indicated...
use of national and regional stereotypes. For example, frequent references are made to The Fiver’s English
England
England is a country that is part of the United Kingdom. It shares land borders with Scotland to the north and Wales to the west; the Irish Sea is to the north west, the Celtic Sea to the south west, with the North Sea to the east and the English Channel to the south separating it from continental...
, Scottish
Scotland
Scotland is a country that is part of the United Kingdom. Occupying the northern third of the island of Great Britain, it shares a border with England to the south and is bounded by the North Sea to the east, the Atlantic Ocean to the north and west, and the North Channel and Irish Sea to the...
, Welsh
Wales
Wales is a country that is part of the United Kingdom and the island of Great Britain, bordered by England to its east and the Atlantic Ocean and Irish Sea to its west. It has a population of three million, and a total area of 20,779 km²...
and Irish
Ireland
Ireland is an island to the northwest of continental Europe. It is the third-largest island in Europe and the twentieth-largest island on Earth...
'cousin
Cousin
In kinship terminology, a cousin is a relative with whom one shares one or more common ancestors. The term is rarely used when referring to a relative in one's immediate family where there is a more specific term . The term "blood relative" can be used synonymously and establishes the existence of...
s': "Sexually Repressed Morris dancing
Morris dance
Morris dance is a form of English folk dance usually accompanied by music. It is based on rhythmic stepping and the execution of choreographed figures by a group of dancers. Implements such as sticks, swords, handkerchiefs and bells may also be wielded by the dancers...
Fiver", "Shortbread
Shortbread
Shortbread is a type of unleavened biscuit which is traditionally made from one part white sugar, two parts butter, and three parts oatmeal flour. The use of plain white flour is common today, and other ingredients like ground rice or cornflour are sometimes added to alter the texture...
McFiver", "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver" and "Theme pub O’Fiver" respectively. 'Family' members are often invented as and when required to portray the press of a given country. In addition the most successful teams of the time are usually on the receiving end of many jokes. The Fiver employs the kinds of jokes and insults used by football fans themselves, combining this with sharp observation, which no-doubt contributes towards its popularity amongst its readers, although that could also be why it is often accused of bias by the fans of the team which happens to be on the receiving end. The Fiver is full of irony - even the name of the publication is somewhat humorous as it often arrives well after five o'clock.
Recurring sources of humour include:
Team nicknames
- Manchester UnitedManchester United F.C.Manchester United Football Club is an English professional football club, based in Old Trafford, Greater Manchester, that plays in the Premier League. Founded as Newton Heath LYR Football Club in 1878, the club changed its name to Manchester United in 1902 and moved to Old Trafford in 1910.The 1958...
are known by a variety of names, including the MU Rowdies (after the NASLNorth American Soccer LeagueNorth American Soccer League was a professional soccer league with teams in the United States and Canada that operated from 1968 to 1984.-History:...
's Tampa Bay Rowdies) and play at the Trafford Devilbowl, since their acquisition by the American GlazerMalcolm GlazerMalcolm Irving Glazer is an American businessman and sports team owner. He is the president and chief executive officer of First Allied Corporation, a holding company for his varied business interests, most notably in the food processing industry...
family
- Birmingham City were referred to as Bongo FC in reference to the involvement of their former chairmen David GoldDavid GoldDavid Gold in Stepney, East London is an English businessman. He was the chairman of Birmingham City until 2009 and since 2010 he has been the joint-chairman of West Ham United. Gold was raised in abject poverty in the slums of East London and for some time lived at 442 Green Street near to West...
and David SullivanDavid SullivanDavid Sullivan is a Welsh-born British businessman and pornographer, who is also joint-chairman of West Ham United.He graduated in Economics from Queen Mary College, University of London. From 1986 until 2007 he owned the Daily Sport and Sunday Sport which he sold for £40 million...
in the pornography industry (bongo is slang for porn). As they have now taken over at West Ham United the 'Bongo' name for Birmingham has become redundant
- Blackburn RoversBlackburn Rovers F.C.Blackburn Rovers Football Club is an English professional association football club based in the town of Blackburn, Lancashire. The team currently competes in the Premier League, the top tier of English football....
are known as Blackeye Rovers in reference to the team's historically somewhat aggressive tactics
- Leeds UnitedLeeds United A.F.C.Leeds United Association Football Club are an English professional association football club based in Beeston, Leeds, West Yorkshire, who play in the Football League Championship, the second tier of the English football league system...
are referred to as Dirty Leeds, because of their historically uncompromising football style (more recently Nasty Leeds, following the then manager Dennis WiseDennis WiseDennis Frank Wise is an English former football manager and player, and former Executive Director at Newcastle United....
's statement that he wanted the team to be "nasty" in order to avoid relegation)
- Wigan AthleticWigan Athletic F.C.Wigan Athletic Football Club is an English Premier League Association football club based in Wigan, Greater Manchester, having been promoted from the Championship in 2005. Wigan's current spell in the Premier League is the only top flight run in the club's history.They have played at the DW...
are known as Plucky Little Wigan or PLW, in reference to the media's patronising attitude to this overachieving club. This echoes the similarly patronising epithet "plucky little Belgium," used by British newspapers in 1914 to describe their resistance to the German invasion
- Liverpool are known as Gissagong FC ("Give us a gong", in a Scouse accent), as a result of their chief executive's disappointment upon discovering his Champions LeagueUEFA Champions LeagueThe UEFA Champions League, known simply the Champions League and originally known as the European Champion Clubs' Cup or European Cup, is an annual international club football competition organised by the Union of European Football Associations since 1955 for the top football clubs in Europe. It...
-winning players had been overlooked in the 2006 New Year's honours list. An alternative name is "Merseyside Redskins", since their acquisition by US owners.
- Sunderland have been referred to as SundIreland since the club's takeover by former Republic of IrelandRepublic of Ireland national football teamThe Republic of Ireland national football team represents Ireland in association football. It is run by the Football Association of Ireland and currently plays home fixtures at Aviva Stadium in Dublin, which opened in May 2010....
international Niall QuinnNiall QuinnNiall John Quinn honorary MBE is a former Irish international footballer, and the ex-chairman of Sunderland AFC. He still works at the club as an overseas manager. He is also heavily involved in the management side of horse racing...
and principally while fellow Irishman Roy KeaneRoy KeaneRoy Maurice Keane is an Irish former footballer and manager. In his 18-year playing career, he played for Cobh Ramblers in the League of Ireland, Nottingham Forest and Manchester United, before ending his career at Celtic in Scotland....
was manager
- Manchester CityManchester City F.C.Manchester City Football Club is an English Premier League football club based in Manchester. Founded in 1880 as St. Mark's , they became Ardwick Association Football Club in 1887 and Manchester City in 1894...
were known as Human Rights FC after being taken over by former Thai Prime Minister Thaksin ShinawatraThaksin ShinawatraThaksin Shinawatra is a Thai businessman and politician, who was Prime Minister of Thailand from 2001 to 2006, when he was overthrown in a military coup....
, usually known as Trashcan Sinatra in The Fiver. With the 2008 takeover by the Abu Dhabi Investment Group they have been referred to as Human Rights FC 2.0, and also as Oil Rich XI
- Newcastle United were known for a while as Newcastle United Comedy Club, NUCC, or JongleursJongleursJongleurs is a chain of comedy clubs in the United Kingdom. Maria Kempinska MBE established and opened the first Jongleurs club in 1983 in Battersea, London. In 1985 Maria then met her business partner John Davy, and together they built the Jongleurs brand. The company evolved into a corporate...
FC after a chain of British comedy clubs, following a series of bizarre incidents like manager Graeme SounessGraeme SounessGraeme James Souness is a Scottish former professional football player and manager.Souness was the captain of the successful Liverpool team of the early 1980s and player-manager of Rangers in the late 1980s as well as captain of the Scottish national team. He also played for Tottenham Hotspur,...
' public falling out with striker Craig BellamyCraig BellamyCraig Douglas Bellamy is a Welsh footballer who plays as a striker for Liverpool and the Welsh national team. Born in Cardiff, Bellamy was the captain of the Welsh national side for four years after taking over from Ryan Giggs in 2007, but stood down in January 2011 due to constant injuries...
, and an on-field punch-up between teammates Kieron DyerKieron DyerKieron Courtney Dyer is an English footballer who plays for Queens Park Rangers. Born in Ipswich, he is an attacking midfielder who played youth football for his home club before going on to make nearly 100 league appearances for the club's first team...
and Lee BowyerLee BowyerLee David Bowyer is an English professional footballer born in Canning Town, London, who plays as a midfielder for Ipswich Town of the Football League Championship....
. More recently the club has been referred to as the Barcodes (or Satan's Barcodes) due to their black and white striped shirts, and as Newcastle Eff Cee while under the management of Joe KinnearJoe KinnearJoseph Patrick "Joe" Kinnear is an Irish football manager and former player. He was most recently the manager of Newcastle United....
due to Kinnear's regular use of profanities. They featured less often during the 2009/10 season which they spent in the Championship
- West HamWest Ham United F.C.West Ham United Football Club is an English professional football club based in Upton Park, Newham, East London. They play in The Football League Championship. The club was founded in 1895 as Thames Ironworks FC and reformed in 1900 as West Ham United. In 1904 the club relocated to their current...
were known as Bad Boys IncBad Boys IncBad Boys Inc were an English boy band, formed in 1993 by the record producer, Ian Levine. Signed to A&M Records, the members were David W. Ross, Matthew Pateman, Tony Dowding and Ally Begg.-Career:...
when they signed the controversial Craig Bellamy and Kieron Dyer to a squad that already included notorious troublemakers such as Lee Bowyer and Anton FerdinandAnton FerdinandAnton Julian Ferdinand is an English footballer who plays for Queens Park Rangers as a defender. He is the brother of Manchester United and England centre-back Rio Ferdinand and the cousin of former England striker Les Ferdinand and Southend United defender Kane Ferdinand. Like his brother, Anton...
. As of former Birmingham owners Gold and Sullivan's (themselves known by the joint moniker "Gollivan") takeover of the club, they are now known as Wrist Ham, another reference to the owners' involvement in the pornographic industry
- Aston VillaAston Villa F.C.Aston Villa Football Club is an English professional association football club based in Witton, Birmingham. The club was founded in 1874 and have played at their current home ground, Villa Park, since 1897. Aston Villa were founder members of The Football League in 1888. They were also founder...
have been referred to as Buffalo Vills since the club's acquisition by Cleveland BrownsCleveland BrownsThe Cleveland Browns are a professional football team based in Cleveland, Ohio. They are currently members of the North Division of the American Football Conference in the National Football League...
owner Randy LernerRandy LernerRandolph D. Lerner is an American entrepreneur and sports team owner.Lerner has been the owner of the American football team, the Cleveland Browns, of the National Football League since October 2002, and the Chairman of Aston Villa Football Club of the English Premier League since 2006...
- Derby CountyDerby County F.C.Derby County Football Club is an English football based in Derby. the club play in the Football League Championship and is notable as being one of the twelve founder members of the Football League in 1888 and is, therefore, one of only ten clubs to have competed in every season of the English...
are nicknamed Ramsbottom County mainly because of their poor performance, especially in the 2007–08 Premier League season. The team's official nickname is the Rams
- Scunthorpe UnitedScunthorpe United F.C.Scunthorpe United Football Club is an English association football team based in the town of Scunthorpe, North Lincolnshire, who play in the Football League One....
are known as FirewallFirewall (computing)A firewall is a device or set of devices designed to permit or deny network transmissions based upon a set of rules and is frequently used to protect networks from unauthorized access while permitting legitimate communications to pass....
FC because of the difficulty in getting emails containing the name of the club through some forms of spam-blocking software (see Scunthorpe problemScunthorpe ProblemThe Scunthorpe problem occurs when a spam filter or search engine blocks e-mails or search results because their text contains a string of letters that are shared with an obscene word...
)
- QPRQueens Park Rangers F.C.Queens Park Rangers Football Club is an English professional football club, based in White City, Hammersmith and Fulham, west London. As the 2010-11 Football League Championship champions, they now play in the top tier of English football the Premier League, for the first time in 15 years...
are known as RMP or Rich Men's Plaything after their takeover by billionaire owners Flavio BriatoreFlavio BriatoreFlavio Briatore is an Italian businessman. During the 1980s, he was convicted for multiple counts of fraud, receiving two prison sentences, only one of which he served. As a fugitive from Italy, he set up restaurants and then a number of successful Benneton franchises in the Virgin Islands and the...
and Bernie EcclestoneBernie EcclestoneBernard Charles "Bernie" Ecclestone is an English business magnate, as president and CEO of Formula One Management and Formula One Administration and through his part-ownership of Alpha Prema, the parent company of the Formula One Group of companies. As such, he is generally considered the primary...
- Stoke CityStoke City F.C.Stoke City Football Club is an English professional football club based in Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire that plays in the Premier League. Founded in 1863, it is the oldest club in the Premier League, and considered to be the second oldest professional football club in the world, after Notts...
are known as Rory DelapRory DelapRory John Delap is an English born Irish footballer who plays for Stoke City. He has played eleven times for the Republic of Ireland national football team....
FC, for the number of goals they score from their Republic of Ireland international midfielder's long throw-ins
- The GlasgowGlasgowGlasgow is the largest city in Scotland and third most populous in the United Kingdom. The city is situated on the River Clyde in the country's west central lowlands...
teams CelticCeltic F.C.Celtic Football Club is a Scottish football club based in the Parkhead area of Glasgow, which currently plays in the Scottish Premier League. The club was established in 1887, and played its first game in 1888. Celtic have won the Scottish League Championship on 42 occasions, most recently in the...
(with a traditionally CatholicCatholicThe word catholic comes from the Greek phrase , meaning "on the whole," "according to the whole" or "in general", and is a combination of the Greek words meaning "about" and meaning "whole"...
fan-base) and RangersRangers F.C.Rangers Football Club are an association football club based in Glasgow, Scotland, who play in the Scottish Premier League. The club are nicknamed the Gers, Teddy Bears and the Light Blues, and the fans are known to each other as bluenoses...
(with traditionally Protestant fan-base) are referred to as "The Queen’s Celtic" and "The Pope’s O'Rangers", when in fact the opposite would be appropriate
Manager nicknames
Many football managers are also given nicknames, and once the nickname has stuck, their real names are rarely used.- Former Birmingham and Wigan, now Sunderland, boss Steve BruceSteve BruceStephen Roger "Steve" Bruce is an English football manager and former player. Born in Corbridge, Northumberland, he was a promising schoolboy footballer but was rejected by a number of professional clubs. He was on the verge of quitting the game altogether when he was offered a trial with Gillingham...
becomes Bernard CribbinsBernard CribbinsBernard Cribbins, OBE is an English character actor, voice-over artist and musical comedian with a career spanning over half a century who came to prominence in films in the 1960s, has been in work consistently since his professional debut in the mid 1950s, and as of 2010 is still an active...
, who he supposedly resembles. Former Spurs head coach Martin JolMartin JolMaarten Cornelis "Martin" Jol is a Dutch football manager and former midfielder who currently manages Fulham in the Premier League. Jol played over 400 games during his career which included spells in the Netherlands, Germany, and England, as well as earning three caps with the Dutch national team...
is Tony SopranoTony SopranoAnthony John "Tony" Soprano, Sr. is an Italian-American fictional character and the protagonist on the HBO television drama series The Sopranos, on which he is portrayed by James Gandolfini. The character was conceived by The Sopranos creator and show runner David Chase, who was also largely...
for the same reason. Likewise, Aston Villa's Martin O'NeillMartin O'NeillMartin Hugh Michael O'Neill, OBE, is a Northern Irish football manager and former player.Until resigning the post on 9 August 2010, he was manager of Aston Villa. Starting his career in his native Northern Ireland, O'Neill moved to England where he spent most of his playing career with Nottingham...
is known as Woody AllenWoody AllenWoody Allen is an American screenwriter, director, actor, comedian, jazz musician, author, and playwright. Allen's films draw heavily on literature, sexuality, philosophy, psychology, Jewish identity, and the history of cinema...
, former DerbyDerby County F.C.Derby County Football Club is an English football based in Derby. the club play in the Football League Championship and is notable as being one of the twelve founder members of the Football League in 1888 and is, therefore, one of only ten clubs to have competed in every season of the English...
manager Billy DaviesBilly DaviesWilliam McIntosh "Billy" Davies is a Glasgow-born Scottish football manager, noted for his achievement in the Football League Championship with East Midlands Rivals Derby County and Nottingham Forest and Preston North End which has led him to be described, in 2011, as "probably the best manager at...
has been referred to as Begbie, and former Manchester City manager Mark HughesMark HughesLeslie Mark Hughes, OBE , is a former Welsh international footballer. As an international footballer, he made 72 appearances and scored 16 goals....
has recently become known as "AilsaAilsa StewartAilsa Stewart is a fictional character from the Australian soap opera Home and Away. She was married to Alf Stewart and had a son Duncan. She was played by actress Judy Nunn for 13 and a half years...
from Home and AwayHome and AwayHome and Away is an Australian soap opera that has been produced in Sydney since July 1987 and is airing on the Seven Network since 17 January 1988. It is the second-longest-running drama and most popular soap opera on Australian television...
", for his supposed resemblance to the Australian soap character
- Kevin KeeganKevin KeeganJoseph Kevin Keegan, OBE is a former international footballer and former manager of the England national football team and several English clubs, most notably Newcastle United....
became Kelvin Koogan, after a poll of readers' nicknames
- Harry RedknappHarry RedknappHenry James "Harry" Redknapp is a former English footballer who has enjoyed a long career in football management starting in 1983 with Bournemouth. He is the current manager of Tottenham Hotspur....
is referred to as 'Arry Redknapp, due to his strong East London accent
- ArsenalArsenal F.C.Arsenal Football Club is a professional English Premier League football club based in North London. One of the most successful clubs in English football, it has won 13 First Division and Premier League titles and 10 FA Cups...
's Arsène WengerArsène WengerArsène Wenger, OBE is a French association football manager and former player, who has managed English Premier League side Arsenal since 1996...
is called Arsene's Arsenal Wenger
- Sir Alex FergusonAlex FergusonSir Alexander Chapman "Alex" Ferguson, CBE is a Scottish association football manager and former player, currently managing Manchester United, where he has been in charge since 1986...
has been called at times the Imperial Lord Ferg (usually simply shortened to Lord Ferg) and Voldemort at others; amongst others.
- Sir Bobby RobsonBobby RobsonSir Robert William "Bobby" Robson, CBE was an English footballer and manager, who coached seven European clubs and the England national team during his career....
was known, by dint of his old age and frequent mistakes with players' names, as Rir Sobby Bobson. For a short time while he assisted the Irish squad he was known as Rir Sobby O'Bobson
- Ex-EnglandEngland national football teamThe England national football team represents England in association football and is controlled by the Football Association, the governing body for football in England. England is the joint oldest national football team in the world, alongside Scotland, whom they played in the world's first...
manager Steve McClarenSteve McClarenStephen "Steve" McClaren is an English football manager and former player.McClaren was previously manager of VfL Wolfsburg in Germany between May 2010 and February 2011, having left his post at Dutch side FC Twente, with whom he won the club's first Eredivisie championship in the 2009–10 season...
is referred to as Second-Choice Steve owing to the FA's pursuit of other candidates prior to appointing McClaren to the England post. The moniker Second-Chance Steve was coined after England's then minimal Euro 2008 qualifying chances were revived by a surprise IsraeliIsrael national football teamThe Israel national football team is the national football team of Israel, controlled by the Israel Football Association .Israel National Football is the direct successor of the Eretz Yisrael National Team during British Mandate...
victory against RussiaRussia national football teamThe Russia national football team represents Russia in association football and is controlled by the Russian Football Union , the governing body for football in Russia. Russia's home grounds are Luzhniki Stadium, Lokomotiv Stadium , and Petrovsky Stadium in St.Petersburg and their head coach is...
. He was called Shecond-Choish Shteve, mocking McClaren's affectation of a Dutch-sounding accent in an infamous interview on Dutch television. After his move to VfL WolfsburgVfL WolfsburgVfL Wolfsburg is a professional German association football club based in Wolfsburg, Lower Saxony, who play in the Bundesliga football competition. Wolfsburg have won the Bundesliga once in their history, in the 2008–09 season, and were DFB-Pokal runners-up in 1995. The current head coach is Felix...
he was referred to as Zecond-Deutsch Zteve until being sacked by the club.
- Republic of Ireland manager Giovanni TrapattoniGiovanni TrapattoniGiovanni Trapattoni , sometimes known as "Trap" or "Il Trap", is an Italian football coach and former player, considered the most successful club coach in the history of Serie A. As a player he was part of Italy's squad at the 1962 FIFA World Cup....
is known as Giovanni O'Trapattoni, in light of the fact that he's an Italian in charge of the Irish national side
Nicknames for footballers
- Emile HeskeyEmile HeskeyEmile William Ivanhoe Heskey is an English footballer who plays for Aston Villa as a striker.Born in Leicester, Heskey started his career with hometown club Leicester City after progressing through their youth system, making his first team debut in 1995...
is called the Amazing Mr Em (or just Mr Em), after a period where he was regularly picked for club and country despite fan criticism of his form: just as, in the TV show, Mister EdMister EdOriginally produced in late 1960, Mister Ed is an American television situation comedy produced by Filmways that first aired in syndication from January 5 to July 2, 1961, and then on CBS from October 1, 1961, to February 6, 1966....
was a horse who only his owner could hear speak, Heskey was said to be a "carthorse" who only his managers could see play good football
- Steven GerrardSteven GerrardSteven George Gerrard MBE is an English footballer who plays for and captains Premier League club Liverpool. He also has 89 caps for the England national team. He has played much of his career in a centre midfielder role, but he has also been used as a second striker and right winger...
, popularly known as "Stevie G", was referred to as "$tevie Me" after lucrative contract negotiations, which was modified to "$tevie Mbe" when he was awarded the MBEMBEMBE can stand for:* Mail Boxes Etc.* Management by exception* Master of Bioethics* Master of Bioscience Enterprise* Master of Business Engineering* Master of Business Economics* Mean Biased Error...
. When Gerrard was charged with assault in 2009, this was temporarily changed to '$tevie GBH', but reverted after he was acquitted
- Alan Smith is referred to as the EmmerdaleEmmerdaleEmmerdale, is a long-running British soap opera set in Emmerdale , a fictional village in the Yorkshire Dales. Created by Kevin Laffan, Emmerdale was first broadcast on 16 October 1972...
EminemEminemMarshall Bruce Mathers III , better known by his stage name Eminem or his alter ego Slim Shady, is an American rapper, record producer, songwriter and actor. Eminem's popularity brought his group project, D12, to mainstream recognition...
, for his YorkshireYorkshireYorkshire is a historic county of northern England and the largest in the United Kingdom. Because of its great size in comparison to other English counties, functions have been increasingly undertaken over time by its subdivisions, which have also been subject to periodic reform...
origins and his supposed resemblance to the rapper
- The diminutive Shaun Wright-PhillipsShaun Wright-PhillipsShaun Cameron Wright-Phillips is an English footballer who plays for Queens Park Rangers and the England national team. He is the adopted son of former England international, Ian Wright and the half-brother of fellow professional football player Bradley Wright-Phillips...
is known as SubbuteoSubbuteoSubbuteo is a set of table top games simulating team sports such as association football, cricket, both codes of rugby and hockey. The name is most closely associated with the football game, which for many years was marketed as "the replica of Association Football".The "Subbuteo" name is derived...
's Shaun Wright-Phillips
- Michael Owen is known as Lil' Mickey Owen
- John TerryJohn TerryJohn George Terry is an English professional footballer. Terry plays in a centre back position and is the captain of Chelsea in the Premier League...
is known as England's Brave John Terry, (or EBJT),as he has a knack for pulling out of England matches due to some mysterious injury only to play for Chelsea the week after. It is now changed to Chelsea's Brave John Terry (or CBJT), or when he's playing for England since being stripped of the captaincy, England's Brave But Embarrassing John Terry (or EBBEJT), following his unsuccessful rebellion against Fabio CapelloFabio CapelloFabio Capello is an Italian football manager and former player. He is the manager of the England national football team.Capello has the distinction of winning the domestic league title with every club he has coached throughout his career...
EBJT was briefly redubbed Englands Brave and Loyal John Terry (EBLJT)
- Hulking German goalkeeper Oliver KahnOliver KahnOliver Rolf Kahn is a former German football goalkeeper. He started his career in the Karlsruher SC Junior team. He had his debut game in the professional squad in 1987...
is known as "Mary ShelleyMary ShelleyMary Shelley was a British novelist, short story writer, dramatist, essayist, biographer, and travel writer, best known for her Gothic novel Frankenstein: or, The Modern Prometheus . She also edited and promoted the works of her husband, the Romantic poet and philosopher Percy Bysshe Shelley...
's Oliver Kahn".
- Arsenal's Theo WalcottTheo WalcottTheo James Walcott is an English footballer of Jamaican descent who plays for Arsenal and the England national team. Walcott is a product of the Southampton F.C. Academy. He is a striker who is usually deployed on the right wing as a wide forward to exploit his speed...
was known as "Foetus Walcott" after his surprise inclusion in the doomed England squad for the 2006 World Cup at the age of 17
- Djibril CisséDjibril CisséDjibril Aruun Cissé is a French international footballer who currently plays for Serie A club Lazio as a striker. He is noted particularly for his speed and acceleration. Since 2005, he has held the title of Lord of the Manor of Frodsham....
is known as Djinkin' Djibril Cisse, or more commonly, the Lord of the Manor of Frodsham, in recognition of the title he obtained when he purchased the large manor house of the same name
- Cristiano RonaldoCristiano RonaldoCristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro, OIH, , commonly known as Cristiano Ronaldo, is a Portuguese footballer who plays as a winger or striker for Spanish La Liga club Real Madrid and is the captain of the Portuguese national team...
is known as 'Him' (always with capital H) - perhaps because of the god like status he was propelled to in season 2007-08 but mainly, one suspects, because the writers got fed up of writing about His move to There (Real MadridReal Madrid C.F.Real Madrid Club de Fútbol , commonly known as Real Madrid, is a professional football club based in Madrid, Spain. The club have won a record 31 La Liga titles, the Primera División of the Liga de Fútbol Profesional , 18 Copas del Rey, 8 Spanish Super Cups, 1 Copa Eva Duarte and 1 Copa de la...
) which was written about seemingly every day of the 2008 close season - Javier Hernández Balcázar is known as Petit Pois, the French translation of his Mexican nickname Chicharito, meaning Little Pea in English.
Leagues and Tournaments
Some tournaments are also referred to by nicknames, with the Champions LeagueUEFA Champions League
The UEFA Champions League, known simply the Champions League and originally known as the European Champion Clubs' Cup or European Cup, is an annual international club football competition organised by the Union of European Football Associations since 1955 for the top football clubs in Europe. It...
being referred to as Big Cup, and its lesser relation the UEFA Cup
UEFA Cup
The UEFA Europa League is an annual association football cup competition organised by UEFA since 1971 for eligible European football clubs. It is the second most prestigious European club football contest after the UEFA Champions League...
being known as Euro Vase. The Scottish Premier League
Scottish Premier League
The Scottish Premier League , also known as the SPL , is a professional league competition for association football clubs in Scotland...
is usually referred to as the EuroDisney
Disneyland Resort Paris
Disneyland Paris is a holiday and recreation resort in Marne-la-Vallée, a new town in the eastern suburbs of Paris, France. The complex is located from the centre of Paris and lies for the most part within the commune of Chessy, Seine-et-Marne....
League or "EuroDisnae League", the implication being that it is a Mickey Mouse league. The FIFA World Cup has been referred to as Biggest Cup, and more frequently the FIFA World Cup, but with a string of sponsor's names, such as Nestle Fuji Texaco Pepsi Max Cyril The Handyman 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa(TM).
The (mis)fortunes of the Home Nations' international teams
For example, Northern IrelandNorthern Ireland
Northern Ireland is one of the four countries of the United Kingdom. Situated in the north-east of the island of Ireland, it shares a border with the Republic of Ireland to the south and west...
's national team were referred to as "Norn Iron Nil" due to their proclivity for losing/failure to score, however, after their shock 1-0 victory over England
England
England is a country that is part of the United Kingdom. It shares land borders with Scotland to the north and Wales to the west; the Irish Sea is to the north west, the Celtic Sea to the south west, with the North Sea to the east and the English Channel to the south separating it from continental...
in September 2005, became known as "Norn Iron One-Nil". After a poor England performance, former manager Sven-Göran Eriksson
Sven-Göran Eriksson
Sven-Göran Eriksson , in Sweden commonly referred to just by his nickname Svennis, is a Swedish ex-football manager. From October 2010 to October 2011 he managed Football League Championship side Leicester City....
's £4 million salary was usually mentioned, as is current manager Fabio Capello
Fabio Capello
Fabio Capello is an Italian football manager and former player. He is the manager of the England national football team.Capello has the distinction of winning the domestic league title with every club he has coached throughout his career...
's £6m salary.
Fiver lawyers
Segments of text are supposedly excised by "Fiver lawyers", the implication being to avoid libel suits, though the gist of the missing information is usually obvious, or already known, to the reader.Fat cats
Any news involving FIFAFIFA
The Fédération Internationale de Football Association , commonly known by the acronym FIFA , is the international governing body of :association football, futsal and beach football. Its headquarters are located in Zurich, Switzerland, and its president is Sepp Blatter, who is in his fourth...
or its president Sepp Blatter
Sepp Blatter
Joseph S. Blatter , commonly known as Sepp Blatter, is a Swiss football administrator, who serves as the 8th and current President of FIFA . He was elected on 8 June 1998, succeeding João Havelange. He was re-elected as President in 2002, 2007, and 2011...
implies that, whatever has been announced, the matter was being discussed simply as an excuse for a gluttonous lunch, with details of the menu usually added for illustrative purposes. This also applied to UEFA
UEFA
The Union of European Football Associations , almost always referred to by its acronym UEFA is the administrative and controlling body for European association football, futsal and beach soccer....
and its former president Lennart Johansson
Lennart Johansson
Lennart Johansson was the president of UEFA, the Union of European Football Associations from 1990 until 2007. Johansson is probably most famous for starting the UEFA Champions League and for bringing the UEFA European Football Championship to his native Sweden.He started as a bandy leader in AIK...
until Johansson was succeeded by the more respected former player Michel Platini
Michel Platini
Michel François Platini is a former French football player, manager and current president of UEFA. Platini was a member of the French national team that won the 1984 European Championship, a tournament in which he was the top goalscorer and voted the best player. He participated in the 1978, 1982...
.
Muesli munchers
Referring to GuardianThe Guardian
The Guardian, formerly known as The Manchester Guardian , is a British national daily newspaper in the Berliner format...
(and hence its own) readers by the 'sandal-wearing muesli-eaters' stereotype
Stereotype
A stereotype is a popular belief about specific social groups or types of individuals. The concepts of "stereotype" and "prejudice" are often confused with many other different meanings...
.
Attitude towards football clubs
While no football club is beneath The Fiver's contempt, it does tend to go easier on struggling, poverty-stricken lower league clubs, showing the writers do have a conscience. However, fans of Liverpool football club get a particularly hard time due to their reputation for incessant whining about perceived injustices brought upon them by a conspiratorial London-based media, which in itself is evidence of the injustices brought upon Liverpool by a conspiratorial etc and so on.Self-deprecating humour
As of 2007, this has taken on a darker strain, with more frequent references to the Fiver waking up with a hangover, in a gutter or in a puddle of the Fiver's own urineUrine
Urine is a typically sterile liquid by-product of the body that is secreted by the kidneys through a process called urination and excreted through the urethra. Cellular metabolism generates numerous by-products, many rich in nitrogen, that require elimination from the bloodstream...
. This is largely a continuation of an occasional "This Is How We Work" item, replacing a news story with a tale of the Fiver writer struggling, and failing, to write a meaningful article as the clock ticks towards 5pm, usually culminating in the humiliation of the writer (and "hot tears of shame") at the hands of the Fiver editor. The main Guardian paper, and articles therein, are enviously referred to as "Big Paper".
The Fiver has a cousin The Spin
The Spin
The Spin is the seventh studio album from the jazz group Yellowjackets, and their fourth and final release for the MCA label. The album was nominated for "Best Jazz Fusion Performance" Grammy Award....
, which is all of the above, although with a more measured and less overtly humorous outlook, on the subject of cricket, written by Andy Bull.
Timing of The Fiver
Although the Fiver is meant to arrive at email inboxes at 1700 (UK time) it only appears to do so when the writers have managed to acquire tickets to an exclusive pop concert or have another pressing event. The poor timing of arrival (usually around 1750 - 1815) is always blamed on the Guardian's IT support technicians, all of whom supposedly wear Lord of the RingsThe Lord of the Rings
The Lord of the Rings is a high fantasy epic written by English philologist and University of Oxford professor J. R. R. Tolkien. The story began as a sequel to Tolkien's earlier, less complex children's fantasy novel The Hobbit , but eventually developed into a much larger work. It was written in...
T-shirts and eat nothing but cheesy Wotsits
Wotsits
Wotsits is a brand of cheese puffs sold by Walkers. The most common form are cheese flavoured curly shapes. However over the years various other shapes and flavours have also been sold...
. However, checking the time sent, as opposed to the time received, does tend to suggest that the Fiver's timeliness is not as bad as it is often made out to be.
External links
- The Fiver guardian.co.uk