The O.C. Quotations

The O.C. is an American television dramedy/soap opera program which debuted on the Fox Network in 2003 and ended in 2007.

Pilot [1.1]

Ryan: Modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life span will be a hundred. But I read this article which said Social Security is supposed to run out by the year 2025, which means people are gonna have to stay in their jobs until they're 80. So I don't wanna commit to anything too soon.

Seth: Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It's pretty cool. You can like, steal cars and... not that that's cool. Or uncool. I don't know... um...

Seth: Summer's right over there. Look. Oh, stop, don't look. But, I mean you can look, but don't look like you're looking.

Seth: Oh, wow, I'm sorry. I should really learn to knock. In case there's a threesome going on in the bathroom.

Seth: You guys really wouldn't hurt me. Because that would be so clichéd. [they pick him up] Oh, I guess you're fans of the cliché.

The Model Home [1.2]

Marissa: Why won't you tell me where we're going? This is pretty far away.

Seth: Oh, wow — complaining. That's very interesting, considering nobody invited you.

Marissa: Before I came along you were on a skateboard.

Ryan: I'm not too popular around here. And your boyfriend? A little angry.

Marissa: Oh, and you're telling me you didn't try to hit him back?

Ryan: Actually, I hit him first.

Marissa: Well, hard to believe you're not more popular.

Luke: Shut up, queer.

Seth: Well, at least I don't shave my chest.

Luke: What did you just say?

Seth: I just said you look good in a sweater vest. It was a compliment.

Ryan: You know what I like about rich kids? [punches Luke] Nothing.

Sandy: The minute you were born, I knew that I would never take another easy breath again without knowing that you were safe.

Seth: So, I'm like asthma?

The Gamble [1.3]

Summer: Still hasn't called you back? He was in lockup. Maybe he's into dudes now.

Seth: I'm going to visit Ryan. I thought, you know, maybe you'd like to come. I'm sure he'd love to see you.

Marissa: Uh, what's that, Seth? Did you say you need a ride to a Star Wars convention?

Seth: Star Wars convention? I'm sorry, her top was off. You couldn't at least have said X-Men for me?

Ryan: I used to want to be an architect.

Kirsten: And what do you want to be now?

Ryan: Seventeen.

Kirsten: Me, too.

Julie: He basically called me white trash! He said I was from Riverside!

Jimmy: Honey, you are from Riverside.

Julie: It was his tone!

Dawn: I'm an embarrassment to my son.

Kirsten: Welcome to my world.

The Debut [1.4]

Kirsten: Seth, we need to talk to Ryan.

Seth: Okay. If this has to do with the rug, though, I just wanted to tell you that Ryan had nothing to do with it.

Kirsten: What about the rug?

Seth: I'm gonna go now.

Marissa: Oh, well, actually, Summer, Ryan's already been promised to someone else.

Summer: I can't believe this. You gave him to someone else? Who? Who's pathetic enough not to have a date the day before cotillion?

Anna: Actually, at this point, that would be you.

Anna: Wait. Are you the kid from Chino who steals cars and sets people's houses on fire? So you're saying I'm making my debut into society with Newport's most wanted?

Ryan: Is that gonna be a problem?

Anna: I can't wait.

Seth: Wow, you're a really good barbecutionist.

Anna: Could you be any more pathetic? A lone figure sitting on the floor, wondering if he's gonna be lonely for the rest of his life.

Seth: Hey, your sensitivity — it's really, uh, nonexistent.

Anna: You know what your problem is? You're not a man.

Seth: Again, not appreciating the brutal honesty.

The Outsider [1.5]

Ryan: Ever since your parents took me in they've been, like, paying for everything. I can't keep taking their money.

Seth: They're parents. They work for us.

Ryan: No, they work for you.

Ryan: It's kind of a shady neighborhood. It's pretty hardcore up there.

Seth: Dude, it's Long Beach, not Chechnya.

Seth: It turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date, provided it's not for me.

Seth: It'd be good to take some me-time... work on the novel. Tonight would make a good chapter.

Jimmy: You know how long it's been since I had steak? I live with three vegetarians.

Sandy: You know how long it's been since we had beer in the house? I am so sick of chardonnay and merlot.

The Girlfriend [1.6]

Caleb: Seth! Ah... You're still not a football player.

Seth: Ha, no, but thank you.

Kirsten: Maybe you guys can make peace this weekend.

Sandy: Okay. Oh, no, no wait. I can't. I'm still Jewish. Just gettin' it out of my system. I promise.

Kirsten: I wonder what his new girlfriend's like.

Sandy: I am sure she is very well paid. I am on fire.

Gabrielle: I'm being sarcastic.

Seth: Ah... Yes, we don't get a lot of that around here.

Gabrielle: Fifth grade? Okay, she needs to change that. She's known that guy since he's been eating paste.

Seth: I think he still does.

Caleb: You have a quick wit, Seth. Amazing you're not better at skirt-chasing.

Seth: If by "skirts" you mean girls in your outdated cowboy-speak, I have a little news for you. Turns out somebody has a date to your party. And it's not a big deal or anything, but if you must know, Summer asked me.

Sandy: Summer. Wow. Summer's hot.

Seth: You did not just say that.

The Escape [1.7]

Seth: What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.

Ryan: What happens in Mexico?

Seth: I don't know, because it stays there. That's why we must go!

Seth: Comicon is basically a bunch of pathetic virgins ogling some porn star dressed as Catwoman.

Ryan: I thought you said you went every year.

Seth: I'm going 70 in a 65 zone.

Summer: 80 is the new 70.

Seth: What? Who talks like that?

Summer: Who gets passed by a van full of nuns? Oh, wait, Cohen does!

Seth: Well they have God on their side, Summer, okay. I'm not gonna beat Jesus.

Summer: I'm gonna call Holly and see how far ahead of us they are. And she's a girl!

Seth: That's insulting to your own gender.

Summer: Not as insulting as it is to you.

Summer: What're you doing?

Seth: Almost watching TV. This is either SpongeBob SquarePants or JAG.

Seth: You ate my toast, Summer.

Summer: I like crusts, Seth.

Seth: Face it. Our chemistry is undeniable.

Summer: You know what else is undeniable?

Seth: What?

Summer: The pain this fork is gonna cause when I jam it into your eye. I suffer from rage blackouts.

The Rescue [1.8]

Ryan: You guys have tennis courts and a swimming pool?

Seth: I'm guessing you didn't at your old school.

Ryan: Well, we had a basketball hoop.

Seth: We gotta get your photo taken for your school ID.

Ryan: Another mugshot?

Seth: If you must be so cynical.

Seth: Not now, Mom. I'm studying naked.

Summer: Eww.

Seth: Summer?

Summer: What kind of family do you have, Cohen?

Seth: The kind where mothers and sons always wear clothing. Even in the shower.

Sandy: If you can't tell your dad, who can you tell?

Seth: Gee, I don't know. Ryan, Mom, that tree over there.

Sandy: You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.

Seth: When are you leaving?

Seth: God! Dad, those eyebrows are out of control.

Sandy: It's a sign of power, you know.

Seth: Well, then you must be the most powerful man in the world.

Sandy: Well, brace yourself, son. It's genetic.

The Heights [1.9]

Kirsten: Doesn't Seth look rad?

Sandy: Oh, you do look rad. Mad props, son.

Seth: Every year some big water polo player ends up peeing in one of my shoes... Nah, I'm just kidding. He pees in both of them.

Seth: The master race has been perfected, Ryan, and they all go to our school.

Anna: Oh, so insulting him counts as conversation?

Seth: Oh, well. If it doesn't, we've never spoken.

Summer: Sailing is, like, so not the fastest way to get anywhere.

The Perfect Couple [1.10]

Seth: Oh, I get it. I'm just here for the comic relief.

Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic the Gathering.

Ryan: You still play Magic.

Seth: Yeah, but not as much.

Seth: Summer, can I walk you to class?

Summer: I can walk myself.

Seth: Great, then you can walk me, too.

Seth: What? It’s Anna. I could have said "pop a squat" in front of her if I wanted to.

Ryan: Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.

Seth: Sometimes I do.

Summer: I do not like Seth Cohen. I mean, I can't like Seth Cohen. He's, like, Seth Cohen!

The Homecoming [1.11]

Sandy: Sorry, but the boys and I made a pact.

Kirsten: A pact?

Sandy: A solemn promise.

Kirsten: When?

Sandy: You were in the bathroom.

Theresa: Mom, don't ask her to cook. [to Marissa] I'm sure she has maids for that.

Seth: Nothing says Thanksgiving like Moo Shu Pork.

Seth: Ryan, that's extremely minty of you. I didn't even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they had dancing, or... laughter.

Ryan: That's because no one who lived there is as funny as you.

Seth: So, we finally agree I'm the funny one. Well, look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving.

Seth: Do you know what I dream about when I dream about Thanksgiving, which is a lot? I dream that I eat so much deliciousness that all the blood rushes to my stomach and I pass out right at the table. Please do not deny me that.

Ryan: Whoa, now that's just weird.

The Secret [1.12]

Ryan: Maybe you've got the Summer flu.

Seth: I dunno. It's possible.

Ryan: Maybe you need some Annabiotics.

Sandy: And you're going to yogalates.

Kirsten: You just like saying that.

Sandy: Yogalates? Yeah, I kinda do. Yogalates?

Ryan: Yogalates.

Seth: You and Luke? Holy unholy alliances!

Luke: What are you looking at, queer?

Seth: Somebody writing you new material? [Luke lunges at him] All right. Go with what works.

Ryan: It's been months and I'm still the kid from Chino that burned a house down.

Marissa: And I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.

Seth: And I'm still the... I'm still Seth Cohen.

Luke: Oh, this is gonna suck.

Seth: Yep. Welcome to my world.

The Best Chrismukkah Ever [1.13]

Seth: So, what's it gonna be, huh? You want your menorah or a candy cane? Christmas or Hanukkah?

Ryan: Uh...

Seth: Don't worry about it, buddy, because in this house, you don't have to choose. Allow me to introduce you to a little something I like to call... Chrismukkah.

Seth: Oy humbug.

Seth: You'll see. You'll see too. You'll all see.

Ryan: You're really starting to scare me.

Seth: I'm okay with that.

Ryan: You'd better pray for a Chrimukkah miracle.

Seth: I've got Jesus and Moses on my side, man.

Seth: How was the mall?

Ryan: Eh... Weird.

Seth: Yes. You've really painted a picture for me. I feel like I was there.

The Countdown [1.14]

Seth: Separate seats, you guys. There's no sex in the Champagne Room.

Sandy: I have two guesses. Either she's run out of money, or... she's run out of money.

Hailey: You guys are, like... married.

Kirsten: Yeah, that was the idea. When we had our wedding.

Hailey: No, I mean... deeply, deeply married.

Seth: Okay, that's a lot of genitalia in my pool.

Sandy: Sandy Cohen. Pleasure swinging with you.

The Third Wheel [1.15]

Ryan: All her friends want to kick her ass. Sorry about the language.

Sandy: Why? I want to kick her ass.

Marissa: Have we become one of those couples?

Ryan: Who lose all their friends?

Marissa: And can't do anything without each other?

Ryan: I don't think so. You think so?

Marissa: I gotta go.

Ryan: Yeah. And I've got the...

Marissa: Walk me?

Ryan: I'll walk you.

Luke: New year's resolution: punch people less.

Ryan: I have the same one.

Seth: Dude, I cannot believe you live in the penthouse, man. This place is ridonculous.

Marissa: Yeah, it's always been my fantasy to live in a hotel. Like Eloise.

Sandy: So, at this concert tonight, anyone there going to be doing drugs?

Seth: I hope so. Otherwise it's a lame-ass concert.

Sandy: Anyone named Seth gonna be doing any drugs?

The Links [1.16]

Ryan: I don't play golf.

Seth: Not true, buddy! You just don't play well.

Kirsten: [offering Hailey a muffin] Pumpkin muffin?

Sandy: Yes, darling?

Kirsten: She looks good. Her spirits are high.

Caleb: She's high?

Kirsten: No, her spirit. Her mood. She's up.

Caleb: So, she's on uppers?

Hailey: Julie, your hair.

Julie: Hailey, you're here.

Seth: There should be a channel on television, I think, of us watching television.

Anna: We're that good.

Summer: Yeah, you are. You're so that good. You're whole witty-banter thing is so cute, you guys. You guys are like brother and sister. Yeah, you guys could totally be related.

The Rivals [1.17]

Kirsten: "Aspirational"? Is that even a word?

Sandy: You think you can mess up so bad, we'll give up on you? You can't.

Sandy: Hey. How are you? I'm Sandy.

Danny: Why don't you take a shower?

Sandy: Pardon me?

Danny: Just kidding, I like you dirty.

Seth: She said that about me? That she thinks I'm the funniest guy ever?

Danny: Yes. You and some dude named Captain Oats. Who the hell is Captain Oats?

Seth: I know Jon Stewart's no Leno, but, you know...

The Truth [1.18]

Julie: As the Newport Group's new Design Director, I've decided to give the office a much-needed facelift. Now wait till you see your furniture, Kiki. It's very fresh, very Danish, very "hello"!

Julie: Hey, you guys wanna join us? We're celebrating my new position.

Sandy: Ohhh, I'm not gonna touch that one.

Oliver: She's not talking to Ryan right now.

Luke: Is she still talking to me, or are you doing all of her talking from now on?

Sandy: Hello, ladies!... Seth...

Seth: Dad, don't call me a lady.

Seth: It's a good story, Ryan. It's the story of two young men who could not be more different, but eventually they learn to overcome their differences and team up, kind of like brothers. Not entirely unlike you and me. Except that I blew it.

The Heartbreak [1.19]

Sandy: I can't go to the Valentines Singles Dance Gala Dance Singles thingy....

Kirsten: No. I forbid it.

Sandy: You what?

Kirsten: With whatever wifely authority I have vested in me on this most holy and romantic of days, no.

Sandy: It's only a holiday. It's not even a real holiday.

Kirsten: Not this again. Not on an empty stomach.

Sandy: How about Arbor Day? Trees? That's a good cause. Or Secretary's Day? Or how about our anniversary?

Kirsten: Which we might not make it to.

Kirsten: You're going. Sandy, this is important to me.

Sandy: You know, there are a lot of things that are important to me that you don't do.

Kirsten: Like what?

Sandy: Like golfing. Lots of couples golf together.

Kirsten: Shortly before dying of old age.

Sandy: Surfing. How many times have I tried to get you in the ocean?

Kirsten: With the fish? Uh!

Sandy: And still I'm patient. I'm forgiving.

Kirsten: You're joking?

Sandy: I patiently put up with your father.

Kirsten: You're eligible for sainthood any day now.

Summer: I'm busy. Studying. Naked.

Seth: [outside the door] Is that supposed to keep me away?

Summer: Cohen? You're at my house!

Seth: And you're dressed. I wonder who's more disappointed.

Seth: Okay, listen. Summer, it's not like now that me and Anna broke up I'm not choosing you. Okay? Because the whole reason that we broke up is because for me it's always been you, Summer. It's always been you. I've tried to fight it and I've tried to deny it. And I can't do it. I can't. You're undeniable.

Seth: Just need to talk to you. Girl stuff.

Sandy: Well, you've come to the master. [Kirsten snickers] Hey, I got you.

Kirsten: I was young, impressionable and drunk.

Seth: Only child... Right here.

Summer: The other night, when we... had sex... you weren't the only virgin in the room.

Seth: There was someone else in the room? Like, filming us?

Summer: Me, jackass.

The Telenovela [1.20]

Seth: Brad, dude, I didn't recognize you out of a Speedo... Not that I would recognize you in the Speedo, but...

Seth: How was Pittsburgh?

Anna: It was good to be home.

Seth: Yeah. Pittsburgh's also the home of Andy Warhol, Mr. Rogers and ketchup. You can't compete with that.

Kirsten: He's a consultant.

Sandy: Could you be please be a little more vague?

Kirsten: He knows people.

Sandy: You did it. That was a little more vague.

Seth: I'm sorry, Summer. I need to take a stand. Okay, this whole separation of the public and private spheres is not working for me. I can't do it.

Summer: But I told you how-

Seth: One day, you know, you might have some MTV-driven radio hits and a little moderately priced teen clothing line. I could get offered $20 million to portray a blind superhero in a red leather unitard. But until the, as long as we're complete faceless nobodies living in obscurity... I can't acknowledge you privately if you're not gonna acknowledge me publicly. So, let me know when you're ready to come to the bargaining table. But until then, you just consider me on strike.

Summer: Well you'll be crossing your own picket line in no time.

Seth: Fight the power.

Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical or two myself in college.

Kirsten: Oh, someone please stop him before he starts singing "Greased Lightning."

Seth: Do it, Dad! Travolta's your bitch!

The Goodbye Girl [1.21]

Summer: My Dad says chins are the new nose.

Anna: So did Picasso.

Summer: Really? What hospital does he work for? Kidding! I'm not that dumb, just shallow!

Sandy: Do you want to know what I think?

Ryan: You're going to tell me either way, right?

Sandy: Like my own son.

Seth: The ink's all smudged, I can't even read it! Is that a "v" or a "q"? Here, look, right there. First sentence says "I love you," but what is that word right there? "Azerbaijan"? "Aztecs"?

Summer: Aspirin.

Seth: You think it says "aspirin"?

Summer: No, you're giving me a headache.

Seth: Okay. "Coincidence"? "Confucius"? What is the "c" word?

Summer: Confusing?

Seth: You think it says "confusing"?

Summer: No! You're confusing me.

Seth: My Jew-fro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.

Seth: What if the girl I'm supposed to be with just went back to Pittsburgh?

Ryan: What if she went back to Chino?

Seth: Why would Anna go to Chino? Kidding, come on.

Ryan: Nice one. Well, at least we still have each other.

Seth: Actually, I have Summer now. But I'll put a little Seth/Ryan time on the books. That's quality time.

Ryan: Thanks, buddy. I could always hang out with Luke. What do you think he's doing right now?

Seth: Discovering fire? Hunting and gathering? Shaving his chest with a buck knife? You guys could do that together.

Ryan: I do do that.

The L.A. [1.22]

Seth: Listen, man, this is a good time for you, okay, Ryan Atwood. This is clean-slate Ryan. Finally you have no women to protect from violent goateed factory workers or pill-popping manic depressives.

Ryan: I guess you're right, I guess I really do have a clean slate.

Seth: You do! Dude, since day one of you getting here it has been nothing but lady drama with you: Marissa, Theresa, Luke, Oliver, Eddie... dude, I'm getting exhausted just thinking about it.

Ryan: I am kinda tired.

Seth: You should be! And you know what, you're gonna get a break, 'cause you deserve it. I think I'm going to declare this month... Angst-Free Ryan Month.

Ryan: Month? You think it's going to last a month?

Seth: Angst-Free Ryan Week. With an option for an additional week if you like it.

Ryan: Okay! Thanks, bud.

Seth: Maybe they're not having sex. Maybe they just go to a motel to spoon and watch Charlie Rose.

Ryan: Is that Grady? He's kind of like you.

Seth: What? Handsome and charming?

Ryan: No. Geeky and sarcastic.

Caleb: Look, I know when I'm not wanted.

Sandy: And yet you're always at our house!

Seth: Right on. I'm hoping for a little Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, maybe Kate Bosworth myself. [Summer hits him] Ow! What? It's okay for you to pine over Legolas?

Summer: Yeah, he's an elf. He saved Middle-Earth. That is a huge part of European history.

The Nana [1.23]

Seth: So what's the GP, RA?

Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.

Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.

Ryan: You're just using initials now?

Seth: Yeah. They save time.

Ryan: Well, not if you have to translate.

Seth: GP.

Ryan: Game Plan?

Seth: Good Point.

Seth: Mom, Hailey made three different kinds of pancakes and waffles. They're deliciously redundant.

Summer: I'm gonna study this thing so hard I'm even gonna out-Jew you. [opens the Haggadah]

Seth: You're reading it backwards.

Sandy: Oh, c'mon, Ma. It's Ryan's first Seder.

Seth: How do you know that? Don't assume that. They have Jews in Chino. Why do you think they want a P.F. Chang's?

Ryan: [to Marissa] Yeah, but what about your Dad? Kaitlin? Summer? What about me? What am I supposed to do without you? I mean, I'd get over you eventually, but it'd take a while.

The Proposal [1.24]

Summer: How can you live like this? Your t-shirts are touching your sweaters.

Summer: You don't like hardware stores and you cry during chick flicks. Next thing you're gonna tell me, you walk in on Ryan changing.

Seth: Hey... that's crazy. Let's go to the hardware store.

Summer: You were in the comic book club?

Seth: Yeah. I was the president and only member.

Summer: Was I really mean to you?

Seth: No, that would have required you to speak to me. Or anyone to speak to me.

Summer: You have to find the stud.

Seth: You mean like you did, Summer?

Summer: Just get me the stud-finder?

Seth: Oh, Summer. I think you are the stud-finder.

Summer: You see this hammer in my hand?

Seth: Yeah, I'm gonna find that stud-finder. What does it look like?

Summer: And the level.

Seth: What is a level?

Summer: Don't you know what a level is?

Seth: Yeah, it's something that you advance to in a video game.

Summer: That's funny. The tool doesn't know about tools.

The Shower [1.25]

Julie: My wedding planner is a passive-aggressive nitwit who has the audacity to question my taste in music. Bob Seger is not "so over."

Summer: Mostly we talk about me.

Seth: You?

Summer: Yeah, you know. It's like our common interest.

Seth: What would you say, in your professional surgical opinion, Summer has more of? Vim or vigor?

Caleb: Believe it or not, I've got a past too. Not involving monster trucks per se.

Kirsten: I am never throwing another party again.

Sandy: Oh, honey, don't tease.

The Strip [1.26]

Seth: Do I force a confrontation or do I just continue to be whiny and passive-aggressive until she realizes what a catch I am?

Theresa: I can't impose on Seth's parents forever.

Seth: Sure you can. I intend to.

Julie: Just one little stripper... who never hurt anyone... Who's just trying to make his way in the world... naked.

Seth: What are we we do, man? I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I wanna marry the hotel and have little gambling-addicted alcoholic kids with it.

Summer: Get away from him, whore!

Seth: Hey hey hey! She's not a whore. She goes to UNLV.

Summer: Oh, I'm sorry. Skank.

The Ties That Bind [1.27]

Kirsten: Is everything okay?

Ryan: Yeah, it's fine.

Theresa: I'm pregnant.

Seth: Well, except for that.

Sandy: Are you going somewhere?

Caleb: Like, say, San Quentin?

Kirsten: I have my secret recipe: takeout.

Marissa: I think we should spend this whole summer just being normal.

Ryan: We're not gonna hold Seth to that, are we?

Marissa: No. That would be impossible.

Julie: Oh, classy choice, Jimmy, although it's pretty obvious that you're with her because you can't be with Kirsten. You know, I think in psychology that's called transference.

Jimmy: Oh, and you marrying Caleb, I think in psychology that's called shameless gold-digging.

The Distance [2.1]

Sandy: Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.

Kirsten: The Pacific Ocean? That's not enough space?

Summer: I feel like my flesh is melting. I just hope it melts evenly.

Luke: Seth got in a little fight with his mom.

Seth: Thank you. That was both honest and emasculating.

Summer: Well my therapist said the best thing I can do to move on in my life, is to divest myself of Seth's material possessions. [Kirsten looks confused] I've got to dump off a bunch of his crap.

Theresa: The only reason you stayed was because of this baby. And now there isn't a baby.

Ryan: You don't want me to come home.

Theresa: You don't want to come home.

The Way We Were [2.2]

Seth: [passing out flyers] Hey, guys. Comic Book League. Check it out. We're gonna to be getting into the issues. The stuff that matters. You know what I mean? Today's topic: capes. Fey, or kinda cool?

Seth: Ryan, would you please take the minutes?

Ryan: Uh, Seth, it's just us.

Seth: Yeah, uh-huh. Write that down.

Marissa: Come on, I can't wait for you to see the rest of the house. And the look on my mom's face when she sees you in it.

Sandy: Have dinner with us instead. I won't cook, I promise. Although if Kirsten's mad enough at you, she might.

Summer: What do you want from me, Cohen?

Seth: I just want you.

Summer: No, you don't. You had me. You had me at Chrismukkah in a freakin' Wonderwoman costume and you chose Anna. You had me three months ago and you left.

Seth: I want to make that up to you.

Summer: It has nothing to do with me. It's about you. And it is always about you. What you need and what you want. You know, it seems you only want me when you can't have me. You like the chase, and that's all. So you know what? You can have it.

The New Kids On The Block [2.3]

Ryan: I promise I'll keep my hands to myself.

Lindsay: Well, it's your elbow I'm worried about.

Alex: That's sweet. It's pathetic but sweet.

Seth: Yeah, that's my niche. Pathetic and sweet.

Kirsten: You quit?

Sandy: Or got fired. Quit/got fired.

Seth: I'm back, Ryan. Cohen classic. Red, white and me.

Sandy: She's agreed to supervised visitation. 20 minutes, max.

Caleb: She's my daughter. I don't need to be supervised.

Sandy: No, I'm supervising her. I'm afraid she might kill you.

The New Era [2.4]

Seth: Man, I said I wanted to marry her, not date her. Okay?

Seth: Her with a tattoo, you with a wristband. That's like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story. Seriously, you are the Sid to her Nancy, the Kurt to her Courtney. The 50 Cent to Mrs. Cent.

Seth: My friend Ryan, he's really cool, okay? He's very anti-establishment. He enjoys sunset walks on the beach, punching people, and not smiling.

Alex: And that's how you see me?

Seth: Yeah. Only with less smiling.

Julie: Truth is, being CEO is a bitch.

Jimmy: Hmm, you'd think you'd be a natural.

Seth: I've redefined rock-bottom several times tonight.

The SnO.C. [2.5]

Summer: You've gotta go, like, Ice-Man on her ass, see how she likes it.

Seth: Wow, was that your first X-Men reference?

Summer: Top Gun.

Seth: Top Gun. Hey, that's one of the greatest love stories of our time.

Seth: That is how lame I have become. I can't even be third-wheel to an actual relationship.

Sandy: Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child.

Zach: I get it. You guys are just one of those couples. Even when you're not being a couple, you'll always be a couple. You're Joanie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.

Seth: Luke and Leia were brother and sister.

Zach: Yeah, well, may the Force be with you.

Julie: I was easier to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer.

Jimmy: Jules, c'mon. You're still beautiful. And we both know you were never nice.

The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn't [2.6]

Julie: It's been so long since we've done this.

Jimmy: Well, it's like riding a bike... An incredibly toned and, you know, evenly tanned and limber bike.

Sandy: I've had so many clandestine meetings lately I feel like I'm in an Oliver Stone movie.

Lindsay: Every kid grows up, stops believing in Santa... I stopped believing in my dad.

Kirsten: I thought you two were getting along really well.

Julie: What makes you say that?

Kirsten: Last week, when you said you and Jimmy were getting along really well.

Seth: Congratulations. You're a Cohen. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.

Lindsey: It's a little soon to joke.

Seth: Not for us Cohens. It's what we do. Laugh through our tears. Make jokes inappropriately soon after a traumatic event. Sometimes we'll just make the joke during the traumatic event.

The Family Ties [2.7]

Seth: It's a story as old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out that girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.

Sandy: I'm guessing it's too soon to joke, Seth. Even for a Cohen.

Seth: Holy '80s teen comedy plot!

Seth: I'm so screwed. Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. I get mad, I turn into, like, a 75-year-old yenta... named Sylvia.

Ryan: Talked to Alex?

Seth: She won't answer my calls.

Ryan: Hm. Might have something to do with all the vomit.

Seth: All the vomit? How much vomit? Like, the little girl in Sixth Sense or the fat guy in Monty Python?

Ryan: Well, you wanted to be a bad boy. You did bad.

Marissa: I brought bagels.

Sandy: Well, that's the secret password into the Cohen house.

The Power Of Love [2.8]

Seth: If you're alone, cough twice.

Ryan: I'm alone.

Sandy: We cannot fight a war on multiple fronts. Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?

Kirsten: While you're seeing him, maybe we should take a step back.

Lindsay: A step back? So does that mean we're, like, cousins now?

Summer: I cannot believe what Chirac said to the Farmers' Union. You go, Jacques!

Marissa: Who's Kofi Annan?

Summer: Some guy Zach's mom knows. I think he works for United Airlines.

The Ex-Factor [2.9]

Sandy: Ask me while you're giving me the massage. I'm much more inclined to say yes.

Kirsten: [to Julie] Oh my. There's so much you here.

Seth: Tonight Newport is our bitch, okay?

Zach: Have you seen the infomercials for Girls Gone Wild? Because this is exactly how they begin.

Seth: Ryan, my girlfriend went out with a girl. There's only one thing to do to make it okay.

Zach: You're gonna hook up with a guy?

The Accomplice [2.10]

Zach: You should just focus on the good stuff in your life. Like school.. or... comics. Yeah, I got nothing.

Alex: Sorry, I would have introduced you guys, but I didn't want you to meet.

Ryan: She's been asking questions about you: who you are, what you're like. And even though I told her, she still wants to get to know you.

Kirsten: You're going to prison?

Sandy: Oh, just for the day.

Seth: Turns out I don't make a very convincing Superhero.

The Second Chance [2.11]

Sandy: I can see how that might salt your game.

Rebecca: "Salt my game"? Is that how they talk in Orange County?

Sandy: Stick around, you'll be saying "rad" in no time.

Ryan: All right, look. Luke Skywalker was happy to find his dad, right? Even if he turned out to be Darth Vader.

Lindsay: Ryan, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader fought each other with lightsabers until one of them died.

Kirsten: Look, nobody has been crushed by our dad more than me.

Lindsay: Hey, now there's a club I want to join.

Sandy: Yeah, while I'm harboring a fugitive I'll go score some pot on the street.

Lindsay: If it makes you feel any better, I didn't even think I liked you until I thought I lost you.

The Lonely Hearts Club [2.12]

Seth: Our noses grazed. And it was like the most sexually charged nose-graze in the history of nose grazes. It's essentially nose-humping, is what it is.

[Kirsten puts roses in the trash compactor.]

Seth: Looks like I'm not the only one at odds with the universe.

Julie: When I was in Europe, I did some real soul-searching.

Marissa: I hope you didn't hurt yourself.

Julie: Are you going to throw your bedroom furniture in the pool now?

Sandy: There are days that I think Kirsten and me are bulletproof. I don't wanna test that theory.

The Test [2.13]

Kirsten: Have you seen Seth?

Sandy: Well, I've smelled him. Smells like Teen Spirit to me.

Sandy: The FBI was here.

Kirsten: Well, it wouldn't be the Cohen house if there wasn't a visit from someone in law enforcement.

Summer: Party at Caleb's. That sounds awesome. Maybe a little shuffleboard, a little bingo?

Seth: I think closure's overrated. I'm more of a fan of open-ended, unrequited love.

Ryan: [about Hellboy] He tries to do good but he usually ends up destroying everything.

Sandy: Well, that's my kinda hero.

The Rainy Day Women [2.14]

Sandy: I feel like we've become like strangers.

Kirsten: Well, I was taught never to talk to strangers.

Julie: That's very punk of you. You know, I used to like punk in my day.

Marissa: Mom!

Julie: Okay, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.

Seth: Spiderman is really the only protective headgear I own.

Summer: Well, it's too bad you weren't wearing protective headgear when you were dropped on your head as a child.

Seth: Oh, zing!

Seth: Eureka, Ryan — I can't believe I just said "Eureka" — that's it!

Seth: I appreciate you selling me my boat back. When I sold it I was in desperate straits. Low blood sugar. No snacks.

The Mallpisode [2.15]

Ryan: This thing with Lindsay is... different.

Seth: Different how?

Ryan: Different as in not fixed by pancakes. And don't ask me how I feel about waffles.

Seth: Got it.

Julie: Why this guy? He launched a magazine called The Ugly American.

Kirsten: I've heard of that. It's an independent travel magazine. It's won a bunch of awards.

Julie: Fine, but our magazine is about beautiful Americans.

[Ryan and Seth crawl through the duct system.]

Seth: Hey, Ryan, what did I tell you? Isn't this great? It's like Goonies meets Die Hard by way of Mission Impossible. With, I think, a... slight hint of National Treasure thrown in.

Lance: Actually, I have something for you.

Julie: Yeah? Last time you gave me something, I drank cranberry juice for a week.

Seth: How is it that Ryan and Marissa are now the functional couple?

Summer: Oh, my God, we cannot be more annoying than Ryan and Marissa. We're monsters.

Seth: I like monsters.

The Blaze Of Glory [2.16]

Ryan: Live in the now, Seth.

Seth: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't do that.

Sandy: Julie, you scared me. More than usual.

Julie: Always a pleasure, Sanford.

Sandy: Only Caleb gets to call me Sanford because he won't not.

Carter: Oh, it's just a little thing I like to call my wedding anniversary.

Kirsten: You're divorced.

Carter: No wonder this party sucks.

Seth: Did I say "slept in a tent"? What I mean to say is that they repented for Lent.

Julie: I am so screwed.

Sandy: I know. I saw the footage.

The Brothers Grim [2.17]

Ryan: That was Trey.

Kirsten: Your brother?

Ryan: Yeah. He's getting out of jail tomorrow. Wants me to pick him up in Chino.

Seth: Well, there's that family trip you wanted.

Summer: Oh, my god, I'm having a panic spiral.

Julie: I made a mistake, Kiki... A naked mistake.

Kirsten: Excuse me?

Julie: A hundred years ago, a boyfriend convinced me to let him film me. In the act. I was young, living on rum, and I needed the money.

Seth: You're still an Atwood. Only a slightly more edgy, darker version, I think. But some people think Ryan's gotten a little softer.

Trey: Ryan said you talk a lot.

Julie: You can go on with your life, Cal. But I am never leaving this room. My Howard Hughes phase starts now.

The Risky Business [2.18]

Trey: Just ah, something I picked up in prison.

Seth: Ah yeah, the old scallion and chiv omelet. I've seen Lock Up. Stallone's finest work since Over the Top.

Trey: Stallone, huh? Eh, I'm more of a Van Damme fan.

Ryan: What, are you kidding me? Seagal, man.

Seth: Yeah, a divided house cannot eat. Now we all gotta get together between a single action hero.

Sandy: So... a charity event where the donors keep half the profits and a yard sale with no yard. Hm. So that's how they do it in the OC.

Sandy: Joan, tell me you didn't order those napkin rings? This is not a mob wedding.

Summer: You guys bringing back the comic book?

Seth and Zach: No! No. Goodness gracious no!

Seth: It's a graphic novel. It's totally different.

Sandy: Okay, folks, here's a beautiful Erté-esque statue. Yes, indeed. Very fetching. What do we start the bidding at? $75. I guess it's very "esque"... more "esque" than Erté.

The Rager [2.19]

Seth: He doesn't exactly seem overburdened with possessions. Unless that bag of his is like Mary Poppins'... I wish I'd never made that reference.

Seth: Listen, I love girls and I love comics. But the two do not mix, okay? It's gonna be, like, "Let's make their outfits cuter..."

Lance: Jules — how the hell did you find me?

Julie: Well, it was easy, Lance. I just looked for the cheapest, scummiest motel near a liquor store, and voilà.

Summer: Cohen learned how to grill this summer. It's a major life achievement.

Seth: That's right. I grilled some corn, I grilled some veggies, I found something in Marissa's fridge, I just— I grilled it.

Summer: Cohen, just shut up. 'Cause even when you're not lying, you're lying.

The O.C. Confidential [2.20]

Seth: Are you thinking of going undercover? A high school sting operation? Because that would be very 21 Jump Street of you.

Ryan: Whatever it takes.

Seth: Yeah, okay. I get to be Richard Grieco.

Seth: I need you help. I have a little quagmire to... un-quag.

Kirsten: For your punishment, I control the radio on the way home.

Carter: No. No one who has won on American Idol ever sings in my car.

Lance: No pre-nup?

Julie: I think a porn scandal more than nullifies that.

Kirsten: How many wines have we tasted?

Carter: According to my notes [checks notes], I stopped taking notes.

Kirsten: Should we fire ourselves for drinking on the job?

Carter: Drinking was the job. And I did my job really well, because I'm hammered.

The Return Of The Nana [2.21]

Seth: I don't believe it, Ryan. Bright Eyes has two albums in the top ten.

Ryan: You okay with that?

Seth: Yeah. I just feel like the rest of the world's finally caught up to me. It's a little bit scary.

Ryan: Yeah, it's a lot scary.

Seth: Tell me I'm still special.

Seth: I can't believe she beat me.

Ryan: I can. Can we eat now?

Seth: Absolutely not. I won't go down like that. These people look up to me. I'm like a god to them.

Seth: So what kind of dancing are we talking about? A little Jazz Step, a little Soft Shoe?

Mary Sue: Actually, it's not quite a dance contest.

Seth: It isn't?

Mary Sue: No.

Ryan: She's got whipped cream, Seth.

Seth: Yeah, I know. Maybe she's... baking a cake.

Mary Sue: See, I'm gonna cover myself with whipped cream, and you're gonna lick it all off and eat a cherry out of my mouth before any of the other contestants.

Seth: Did she say "cherry"?

Mary Sue: If we win, it would mean so much to my grandma. Not having to worry about my college loans. With all the money she spends on medication.

Seth: Yeah. It's for Grandma.

Bobby: She's a great lady, huh? Your mom. What a pistol.

Sandy: I always thought of her as more of an AK-47.

Sandy: Look at you, Ma. With a cell phone.

The Nana: I'm very hip.

Sandy: I guess so.

The Nana: I just can't read the buttons.

The Showdown [2.22]

Sandy: Do you think I look at all like Tony Blair?

Kirsten: Uh, you have nicer hair.

Sandy: Thank you. Good hair. Leader of Great Britain. I would call it a wash.

Summer: You know, I really thought things were gonna be different this time. But you haven't changed at all. You've found new and even more public ways of disappointing me.

Julie: Oh, my gosh. How much vodka did you put in this?

Kirsten: Normal amount. Little less.

Reed: Summer, Seth and Zach have talent. They could have careers in comics. But you are the Nico of the group.

Summer: I'm sorry. I don't get references before 1990.

Caleb: You have been monitored to one degree or another since before we were married. The affair you had with your former husband. The tryst last year with that high-schooler... Luke.

Julie: Oh, my God.

Caleb: I mean, your daughter's boyfriend. What will people think?

Julie: Ex-boyfriend.

The O.Sea [2.23]

Ryan: What time is it?

Seth: It's 5:30... ish.

Ryan: You're showing up earlier and earlier.

Seth: Yeah, well, we have a lot of ground to cover. So I figured, since we're both up, we may as well get a jump on it.

Marissa: So everyone's saying you're going to be voted prom queen. Isn't that, like, your fifth-grade dream coming true?

Summer: No. My dream involved an actual date. A hot guy in a tux, with a carnation pinned to his lapel. Instead I'm drawing straws between Nerd Boy and Ass Clown.

Seth: I think one day, pretty soon, we're all gonna have a good laugh about this. Ha ha ha. I know that day feels far off, but comedy is just tragedy plus time.

Caleb: You know, I really did love you, Ju-Ju.

Julie: Ooh. Past tense. That stings.

Caleb: Sorry. Grammatical error.

Crowd Member: Seth Cohen's a tool!

Seth: Okay. I know I'm not who you all imagined as prom king, seeing as how I'm not who any of you actually voted for. But she's the queen, and I love her. So I guess that makes me the king.

Summer: Cohen?

Seth: No, I'm just the guy standing next to you. You're the queen, all right? I'm the jester, perhaps, if that works. So let me ask you this, Your Highness: what can I do to make it up to you?

Summer: Well, you can start by dancing with me.

Crowd Member: But he's a tool!

The Dearly Beloved [2.24]

Marissa: Sorry, Mum. I didn't mean to be a bitch.

Julie: Well, apples and trees. You are my daughter.

Sandy: Caleb Nichol was not a man of many words. He was, however a brilliant man. He leaves a legacy of possibility. But his true achievements were his children. He was a caring father, a wonderful grandfather... a truly terrible father-in-law. So he may be gone, but he won't soon be forgotten. So rest in peace, Cal. And, if you can't do that... I'm sure heaven could use a few more McMansions.

Trey: Jess turned out a little crazier than I expected.

Ryan: Really? That's a surprise, considering you met her face down in a pool.

Sandy: There's a doctor coming here this afternoon. He's gonna help us stage an intervention.

Seth: What? Is this, like, an After-school Special?

Jimmy: What if I stay? What if we give it another shot? We're both older and wiser now.

Julie: Well, I'm definitely wiser.

The Aftermath [3.1]

Summer: Before Trey, I never actually knew anyone in a coma. Well, I mean on The Valley there's someone in a coma like every week — but I think that's just so when they wake up, another actor can play the part.

Summer: You gotta admit, Coop, whatever happens, Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honour — God, that is so freakin hot! In a mythic, biblical, Samurai, western kind of way.

Seth: [talking to Ryan about Trey, who is in a coma] I kind of like him this way, he's a better listener. Sorry, I get talkative around coma patients. It's a compensation thing.

Summer: Should we bring him a snack? What does Ryan eat?

Seth: Dry cereal from a box and black coffee.

Summer: Oh, I love helping sick people. It's just they kept making me sick. So I've been reassigned to gun-shot victims, 'cause you can't catch one of those.

The Shape of Things to Come [3.2]

Summer: There's nothing I hate more then perky blondes who want to take over the world.

Summer: She's Taylor Townsend. She's, like, the Carl Rove of our school.

Seth: So you can take Carl Ro- you know who Carl Rove is?

Summer: Yeah, my step-mom sometimes naps in front of CNN. I hear things as I'm dragging her off to bed.

Seth: I know you don't consider yourself as active.

Summer: No, two hobbies: shopping and sunbathing.

The End of Innocence [3.3]

Summer: I will join the synchronized swim team, do rhythmic gymnastics, shot-put, collect stamps, march for women's rights, free animals from laboratories. You know, I will even read comic books with Cohen and his wack pack of social maladjusts. But, drama club: no.

Seth: Okay, how about this: you and Marissa run away together.

Ryan: Uh, last time I tried to run away-

Seth: We were ambushed by the cops. Got it. So I guess your not up for the model home idea, either.

Ryan: Uh, I thought we might be able start off with something that wouldn't involve me getting arrested.

Seth: Is it my fault that most of our half-baked adolescent schemes go hopelessly awry and my dad has to bail us out?

Ryan: Uh, usually, yeah.

Kirsten: So your Grandpa's broke.

Seth: Ryan and Marissa don't go to school any more.

Ryan: Jimmy Cooper just sailed out of town again.

Seth: I got two months of detention.

Sandy: That's the great thing about this place. Nothing ever happens.

The Perfect Storm [3.5]

[Ryan and Seth come into the kitchen for breakfast.]

Ryan: Where's all the cereal?

Kirsten: Oh, I guess we're out.

Seth: There's no bagels either.

Kirsten: I thought we'd try something new.

Seth: Mom, listen to me. I know this whole "Cooking with Kirsten" thing is helping you keep focused. But you can not preempt a man's regularly scheduled breakfast. It is a sacred routine.

The Swells [3.6]

Seth: Oh God, incoming.

Taylor: Hey, guys, have you heard about the lock-in tomorrow night? The entire senior class is going to spend the night in the gym.

Summer: Oh, we can't make it.

Seth: Yeah, I'm taking off my arm with a hacksaw.

The Anger Management [3.7]

Ryan: There's this guy, and he's gotten it in his head that he's gonna fight me.

Sandy: Does this have anything to do with the fact that my car is now the "Lil Bitch"?

Ryan: Maybe. I was gonna fix that.

The Game Plan [3.8]

Seth: Okay, picture me in college. Big fish in a small pond? Or small fish in a big pond?

Ryan: Well, I don't know. I never really pictured you living in a pond.

Ryan: So it's safe to say you're not going to Berkeley. Have you told your dad yet?

Seth: Sandy Cohen is a perceptive guy. I'm sure he'll figure it out.

Ryan: Seth, you've got to tell him.

Seth: "Dad, I'm not applying to Berkeley... Where'd you get a gun?... Why do you have this gun? Mmm, that doesn't have a good ring to it."

The Disconnect [3.9]

Summer: Hey, guys, can't talk. I have to go see Dr. Kim.

Seth: You in trouble?

Summer: Uh, no. I have to change my college file. I got my SAT score.

Seth: Summer, we got our SAT scores back months ago.

Summer: Well, I took mine late. There was a Valley marathon the first time around.

Ryan: Oh. How'd you do?

Seth: Ryan, come on. You never ask a lady her age, weight or SAT score.

Summer: I got a 2300.

[Ryan and Seth stare at her, dumbfounded.]

Summer: What? That bad.

Chilli: I don't think this is going to work.

Marissa: Sure it will.

Chilli: Dude, you don't know him. Last year some guy snaked his wave, so he went up on the pier and dropped a kitchen sink on his head... Where'd he even get a kitchen sink?

The Christmukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah [3.10]

[Seth, Summer, Ryan, and Marissa are in the diner, discussing how they're going to help Johnny.]

Seth: If any of you were remotely Jewish, I would just say we could pool our bar mitzvah money, but... Holy crap, that's it.

Summer: What's it?

Ryan: No, no, no, no, no.

Seth: Yes.

Ryan: No way, dude.

Seth: Yes way, dude.

Ryan: I'm sorry, I can't. I'm not having it.

Summer: Having what?

Seth: A bar mitzvah.

Summer: Ryan gets a bar mitzvah. Now that is funny.

Ryan: Yeah. Summer's laughing.

Seth: No, that's just gas.

[Summer slaps Seth.]

Seth: Now, listen to me. This wouldn't be an ordinary bar mitzvah. You know what this would be? Wait for it... A Chrismukkah bar mitzvahkkah. Spell that, dude.

Ryan: That's crazy.

Seth: Yeah, so crazy it just might work.

Ryan: So, how's this going to work? I'm just going stand in front of Newport and sing Hebrew?

Seth: You chant. And hell, yes.

Seth: Jews don't believe in saints, just really good stand-up comics.

Sandy: Ryan doesn't wear glasses.

Seth: He does when he's reading from right to left.

The Sister Act [3.12]

Summer: Ready to go? It's the third day of the Pride and Prejudice miniseries in English class.

Seth: Summer, the show you are about to see has all the makings of a classic Jane Austen novel. It's got sisters, lies and bosoms.

The Road Warrior [3.16]

Marissa: Oh, my God. You're listening to your own voice.

Summer: You see, on all the TV shows I watch, all these women have voice-overs. They even gave one to April on The Valley. Now, where most of these voice-overs, they don't make much sense, they do make your life seem more dramatic and meaningful.

Marissa: So you think our lives need to be more dramatic?

Summer: No. Not yours.

The Man of the Year [3.24]

Seth: What are you doing?

Summer: Nothing. Looking for stamps.

Seth: You're mailing a letter?

Summer: Not without stamps. Let's go make out upstairs!

The Graduates [3.25]

Ryan: You know, this is gonna sound weird, but can I drive you to the airport? You were the first person I met here, I'd kinda like to be the last person to say goodbye.

Marissa: You know, it's funny. I was gonna ask you the same thing.

[Ryan gets out of his car after Marissa has directed them to a model home.]

Ryan: Okay... This looks familiar.

Marissa: Yeah, well, it shouldn't. They rebuilt it completely after you burned it down.

The Gringos [4.2]

Seth: So where we going?

Ryan: Mexico.

Seth: Perfect. I need Chiclets.

The Cold Turkey [4.3]

Ryan: You didn't try to help. You didn't even stop.

Volchok: I got scared. I freaked a hell.

Ryan: And she died. On the side of the road.

Volchok: I think about that night every day. It's all I think about. I wish I could take it back.

Ryan: I don't wanna hear about how bad you feel. Tell me why you did it.

Volchok: Does it matter?

Ryan: It matters to me.

Volchok: I don't know, okay? I mean, I was coming after you. You got the girl I didn't. It was hard for me handle. I just... I wanted you to pull over. And all just... it got out of control.

Ryan: So what? It was all an accident? A mistake?

Volchok: I know that doesn't change anything. So if you wanna finish this... I'm not gonna fight back.

Ryan: I'm not doing any favors. You have to live with what you did. It's over.

The Metamorphosis [4.4]

Seth: [on Summer's answering machine] So... if you don't hear from me for a while, it's not because I don't love you. It's because I do.

Kaitlin: Well, don't worry. We'll find you another old dude to pay for all your stuff and cheat on you.

Julie: Is that what I'm teaching you?

Kaitlin: Pretty much.

Summer: Hey, uh, Che, this is my boyfriend Seth. Seth, this is Che.

Che: Summer, you have a twin flame? [to Seth] I wish I knew you were coming to town. I would have made you a bracelet!

Seth: Oh, hey. Where I come from, we just say "hey.".

Che: Well, to borrow your native tongue... "hey."

Ryan: You might wanna relax.

Taylor: Distract me. Tell me more about this, uh, cage fighting. It's been something I've been meaning to get into.

Ryan: Yeah? Ask me another favor and I'll me happy to show you.

Taylor: Ooh! Ryan Atwood with a side of sauce! I like it! You're gonna have to do better, though, 'cause all I can think about is him, my husband, [gets a little breathless]... his arms, his smell... making love in the barn in Burgundy...

Ryan: Sounds like the perfect guy. Why would you want a divorce?

Taylor: Well despite being antagonistic in most things, I do believe in true love and this was not it... Well, back to you and your life. What is your favorite fruit?

Ryan: [chuckles] Peaches.

Taylor: He used to say my breasts were like two, soft...

Taylor: Ryan! There you are! I think there might be something wrong with your phone. I called three times today—

Ryan: Six, actually.

Taylor: Oh! Well, um, did you get a chance to look at that silly little document?

Ryan: Yeah, I did, and I have a question for you. [hands her the document in French] What does that say right there?

Taylor: Oh, that's just lawyer-speak. You know, party of the first part, party of the second part...

Ryan: So it doesn't say we had sex, like, thirty times? It took me, like, five hours to translate that.

The Sleeping Beauty [4.5]

Taylor: "Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;/Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes."

Kirsten: Taylor, that's beautiful.

Taylor: Shakespeare. Old Bill's always good for a line.

Sandy: Here she comes.

[Taylor enters, smiling and obviously preoccupied]

Taylor: You know, it's odd, but, I never appreciated how funny Ryan is. Huh. Life, such a journey. Well, have a nice day. [leaves]

Sandy: She said Ryan was funny.

Bullet: [watching his golf ball soar through the air] Well, look at that. Shiite Muslim.

Ryan: How do you keep doing that?

Taylor: Doing what?

Ryan: That. You keep telling me what I'm thinking before I feel it.

Taylor: Because I think about you, Ryan. I want you to be happy. And I think if you give it a chance, you might feel something, too.

Ryan: Taylor...

Taylor: [makes a face] Are you going to tell me you really like me as a friend?

Ryan: ...Maybe.

[Taylor gasps, turns and leaves.]

Ryan: [awestruck] How does she do that?

Kaitlin: You should invest in my mother's business.

Bullet: Or what? You gonna tell everyone what a meany ol' Bullet is and I'm gonna have to sit alone at lunch?! Oh boo hoo hoo hoo.

The Summer Bummer [4.6]

Summer: Ugh. Che, just shut up, okay, before I tie you up with hemp rope, set you on fire and get high off of the fumes from your burning flesh.

Che: Dark.

Kirsten: I couldn't help but notice that you wanted to talk to Seth.

Ryan: Oh, did I?

Kirsten: Well, since he's out of town and he's gonna be moving out next semester, you're gonna need a new Seth. Don't tell Sandy, but I thought I would audition for the job.

Ryan: Oh. Uh, yeah, well, that's... very thoughtful.

Kirsten: So... how does it work? Do I ask you what's on your mind, or...?

Ryan: Uh, usually you talk about yourself and I solve my problems on my own.

Ryan: Taylor: tonight. Are you busy?

Taylor: Oh. Blog, schmog.

Ryan: Is that a yes?

Taylor: Yes! It is a yes... squared, in all caps, with a exclamation mark and a smiley-faced emoticon.

Ryan: A simple yes will do.

Taylor: Yes.

Ryan: I keep imagining her on roller skates and with a big bucket of soapy water.

Seth: Dude, that is so pedestrian. A sudsy girl? Your fantasies are so... average.

Ryan: Doesn't mean it's not hot.

Seth: I guess they call them classics for a reason.

Ryan: What are you doing, paying your gay friend Roger to pretend he's in love with you?

Taylor: Well, what if I did? What if I did rent a homosexual for the evening? And pay him with rare collectibles from Asian cinema? What difference does it make to you?

The Christmukk-huh? [4.7]

Taylor: [to Ryan] No, I accepted your gift: the holiday-themed rejection. So now you accept mine!

Taylor: Look who's funny in alt-world!

The Earth Girls Are Easy [4.8]

Summer: Taylor, whats wrong? You look like you've just seen a ghost.

Taylor: Can you keep a secret? Like, a really big secret? Like, a huge secret?

Summer: Yeah...

Taylor: I think you might be pregnant.

[Seth hands Summer a gift]

Summer: What is it? [opens gift: a T-shirt] "Jamaican Me Crazy."

Seth: See, it's funny because its not.

Summer: Uh-huh. You didn't make any plans for us tonight, did you?

Seth: Well, I was just thinking...

Summer: What? Jamaicum up as you go? You are such a baby. I am done babysitting you, do you understand me? [shoves gift back at him] Done.

Seth: Couples who have comas together stay together.

The French Connection [4.10]

Taylor: This cannot be happening. [to a bookstore worker] Excuse me, uh, what is this book?

Bookstore Guy: A Season for Peaches. It's the bestseller from France. English translation came in today.

Taylor: Okay, what's it about?

Bookstore Guy: Kind of, like, Bridges of Madison County meets The Notebook meets... porn.

Taylor: Oh, my God. Plot, please.

Bookstore Guy: Uh, this Frenchman seduces this young American girl and then they get married... I can't remember where.

Taylor: His family's chapel in Burgundy.

Bookstore Guy: Oh, so you read it.

Taylor: No, I lived it. I'm Peaches.

Taylor: Excuse me, the girl just has a healthy sex drive.

Summer: Yeah, for a hooker.

Ryan: Met your ex-husband last night. He was at the bookstore, doing a reading.

Taylor: Wait, you met Henri-Michel? How did you know it was him?

Ryan: Dirty hair? Scarf? Smells like brie?

Taylor: That's Henri-Michel.

Taylor: Okay, Ryan. Even if I was that limber, you know I would never do that in the Chunnel.

Dr. Roberts: I've gotta go. There's a man who's been impaled by what appears to be a unicorn.

Seth: [whispering in amazement] Unicorns.

Dr. Roberts: But our conversation is going to continue. We'll talk about this on my rounds tomorrow. [leaves]

Seth: So does this mean I have your blessing? [door closes] They do exist.

The Dream Lover [4.11]

Summer: [talking about Che] He's flying here. He was feeling weird Seth vibes.

Taylor: All the way from Rhode Island?

Summer: Che transcends space and time.

Che: Come on, man, you can't lie to me. I can see your aura.

Che: Seth, you put something out into the universe and you didn't get it back. I mean, I can't imagine what a blow that must have been to your male animus. You've been emasculated.

Seth: My masculinity is intact.

Henri-Michel: Je t'aime, Peaches.

Taylor: Oh, no, no, Henri, you don't have to say that.

Henri-Michel: But I love to say that. Because it is the truth! I will say it a thousand times if you like.

Taylor: Wow. That's, uh... okay, yeah. Say it a thousand times.

Henri-Michel: I love you un, I love you deux, I love you trois...

Seth: Hey, Che.

Che: Seth! Hey, you look...

Seth: Not good. I know. So, that thing you said about the animus?

Che: I was right, wasn't I? See, the flesh lies, but the aura never does.

The Shake Up [4.14]

Summer: Look, I know you’ve never had a birthday party before, let alone ever been to one — but usually people get presents for their birthday. So will you please tell me what you want?

Taylor: [sighs] Okay, honestly? I want Ryan to ask me to go with him to Berkeley next year.

Summer: Okay, I was thinking more along the lines of a cute top...

Summer: [Seeing the front page of a newspaper] Did you see this about earthquake weather? You know, it's exactly this kind of voodoo science that lets politicians deny global warming [hands paper to Taylor]

Taylor: Oh, my God, I know. And how many times have they predicted "the big one" and it never happens. Almost makes you wish that it would.

Ryan: These are really good croissants.

Taylor: Don't you have the feeling we're on the cusp of something, and we just need to leap into the void?

Ryan: Did you get these at Joe's?

Taylor: Ryan, don't you have that feeling?

Ryan: [confused] What?

Summer: What happened with Ryan?

Taylor: [sighs] I tried, Summer. I really did. The moment was upon us, we were staring into each other's eyes, and... and he just didn't say it! Ugh. Sometimes I just wanna grab him and tie him to a chair and shoot him full of sodium pentothal and see what spills out.

Taylor: Uh, Mister! Mail Carrier, sir! ‘Scuse me, please! Could you wait? Hi. I'm sorry. Um, a woman in that house where I live just gave you a letter that she shouldn't have and, uh, I kind of need it back.

Mailman: Ma'am, once the letter goes in the pouch. it's the property of the federal government.

Taylor: Okay... and I totally understand that. But if you take that letter, I am gonna lose my place at Berkeley and the chance to be with the man I love and who I think loves me, and, and... 15 years from now, when he is trapped in a loveless marriage and I have become a cold, hard ice-queen for whom love is no more than a distant memory, it will all come down to the fact that this morning, which, coincidentally, happens to be my birthday, you obeyed the letter of the law at the expense of simple, human charity.

Mailman: Wow, that was amazing.

Taylor: Can I have my letter now?

Mailman: Yeah, sure.