The Tonight Show

• 106 [degrees] in the valley… I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.
  • Monologue, September 10, 2004

• I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada".
  • Monologue, June 24, 2005

• How many watched the President's speech last night?
  [half-hearted audience applause]
  How many watched American Idol?
  [thundering applause]
  Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.
  • Monologue, February 1, 2006

• So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh— meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?".
  • Monologue, April 19, 2006

• A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. […] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
  • Monologue, May 12, 2006

• And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.
  • Monologue, 24 July 2006

• Afterwards, President Bush said, "Maliki is the right man for the job." Just to remind you, Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld was the right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job… which would be okay if Bush was the right man for the job.
  • On the 30 November 2006 "breakfast summit" with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki
  • Monologue, 30 November 2006

• Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.
  • Monologue, 19 February 2007 (U.S. Presidents Day)

• Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…
  • Monologue, 19 April 2007

• No, they said they do not believe in evolution, then they said the biggest threat to America: religious radicals living in the Dark Ages.
  • Speaking of Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee, and Tom Tancredo at the 3 May Republican Presidential debate
  • Monologue, 4 May 2007

• "Fred, what happened to your ass?" "Oh, the fat guy at the office sneezed on me."
  • Speaking of the discovery that obesity is contagious
  • Monologue, 26 July 2007

• I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
  • Monologue, 4 October, 2008

• How many of you watched the vice presidential debate expecting Sarah Palin to screw up? Be honest.

[cheers and applause]

And how many of you watched the debate expecting Joe Biden to screw up?

[more cheers and applause]

And how many of you watched the baseball game knowing the Cubs would screw up?

[more applause]

• • Monologue, 6 October, 2008

• [about the Chicago Cubs being swept by the L.A. Dodgers in the 2008 NLDS]

How about next year, we only let the Cubs play using steroids?

• • Monologue, 7 October, 2008

• Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush".
  • Monologue, 19 January, 2009

French bashing

• Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target.
  • interview with Nikki Finke, LA Weekly, September 17, 2004

• French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.
  • The Tonight Show, November 26, 2004

• "This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.
  • The Tonight Show, November 7, 2005, as reported on miquelon.org

• Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years
  • The Tonight Show, July 11th, 2006

Miscellaneous

• In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
  • Said on a 2008 episode (12.7) of British motoring program Top Gear.
• Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.
  • Said on a 2009 episode (13.7) of British motoring program Top Gear.