Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere
Encyclopedia
Max and Paddy
's Road to Nowhere was an award-winning British comedy
television show on Channel 4
starring and written by Peter Kay
and Patrick McGuinness. All the episodes were also directed by Kay. It began on 12 November 2004 and ran for six 30 minute episodes up until 17 December 2004, with each episode airing at 9.30pm. A nationwide billboard
poster campaign promoted the series with posters in the style of those for movies such as The Cannonball Run.
The veteran singer Tony Christie
was also promoted as singing the show's theme, but his version was only used once; at the very end of the final episode. Kay and McGuinness themselves sang it in the opening sequences of Episodes 2 to 6, chiming: "Don't know where we're going, Got no way of knowing, Driving on the Road To Nowhere, Sponging for a living, Checkin' out the women, Riding on the Road To Nowhere... And we don't take shit from anyone, The only thing we wanna do is have some fun, It's Max and Paddy, Paddy and Max, And best of all we don't pay council tax
". The tune (co-written by Toni Baker & Peter Kay
) borrowed heavily from the theme to the 1970s American series B.J. and the Bear
.
This spin off from Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
follows the two Bolton
doormen/bouncers Maxwell "Max" Bygraves (Kay) and Patrick "Paddy" O'Shea (McGuinness) as they wind their way around Britain
in their campervan
. The key reason why they are on the open road is never mentioned in the series however: they took £8,000 from a woman in the second series of Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
to kill her husband, but never properly went through with the job. When she discovered this, they hit the road in the van to escape the possible consequences. Although this series was broadcast two years after Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
, the action seems to be set immediately afterwards. However the Motor Home they purchased in Phoenix Nights is a Ford, and the Motor Home they use in Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere is actually a Fiat
.
Max is the older and more sensible of the two, roughly 40 years old, and usually pretending to have more life experience than he has actually had, including a stint in the army
. Paddy is a cheeky and likely lad obsessed with sex
, pornography
, food
, and several strange but funny catchphrases such as "Ding Dang Doo". Max often coldly stares at Paddy or anyone who has offended his tastes and often shouts "H-how dare you!". He also calls people a clown or a melon if they've said something absurd.
A spoof fitness DVD was released, Max & Paddy's The Power of Two, including several gags and pieces of scenery from the main series. The DVD also included extra workout tips and a segment instructed by Brian Potter live from the Phoenix Club. On the DVD packaging, it is now referred to as "The UK's fastest selling fitness DVD - Ever!". Although the main workout is shown in full, it is more intended as a spoof product than a genuine workout.
A second series of the show was initially planned for 2006, but Peter Kay
instead confirmed a third series of Phoenix Nights (which as of February 2011, has not yet happened), along with possible specials of Max and Paddy.
In Dover
, Max and Paddy buy a plasma
television from an Irish crook called Gypsy Joe. This leads to several arguments, especially when they realise the television doesn't have any speakers. The pair thus decide to go out to a nightclub
to let off some steam and forget their troubles, but Max's uncoordinated dancing spoils the night and he ends up fighting with some sailors home on shore leave
. Paddy teaches him a few cool moves the following day, and they return to the club dressed as sailors in order to blend in. Their new moves lure two local girls, Tracey and Louise, back to the campervan
, only for one of them to steal
Paddy's wallet
. After discovering the girls, locally known as the 'Belgrano Sisters', are infamous for this, they get some payback
by forcing them to steal some speakers for their television.
After a brush with a porn
film shoot (a film called Willy
Wanker
and the Chocolate Factory - a porn parody of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
) goes wrong for Paddy (initially believing he would naturally be working in a heterosexual porn film, he finds out otherwise), the campervan
breaks down in the Midlands
. The pair hand it over to a local garage run by Mick Bustin, played by British rocker Noddy Holder
. To kill time, Max and Paddy catch the train to Middlewood
, which actually turns out to be the last one that day, so the pair are forced to go for a walk
in the woods, but quickly become lost. After Max shows a bemused Paddy his notebook
filled with drawings of a television programme he's invented called "Magnet and Steel", the pair reluctantly decide to sleep rough in the woods. Paddy quickly causes ill feeling by burning Max's book on their campfire
, but Max soon comes around and begins talking, accompanied by a flashback, about his one true love: a dwarf (see dwarfism
) called Tina, who he met in 1994.
He goes on to say that the relationship
abruptly ended after she overheard him and his friends making jokes about her height. The following morning, the two discover to their dismay that they were a short walk away from a Petrol Station and a Travelodge
. Things get worse when Mick Bustin tries to charge them £500 to retrieve the campervan
, causing the pair to break into Bustin's workshop and, in a parody of The A-Team
, modify the van and 'bust' out back on to the road, only for the van to break down again miles later, Mick Bustin having never actually made any repairs.
This episode features several regulars from Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
, and a homage to the movie Midnight Cowboy
. We also find out here that Paddy's full name is Patrick O'Shea. This joke is based around the rumour that Sunderland player John O'Shea
is regularly teased by team-mates for his physical resemblance to Patrick McGuinness.
The pair now go down to London, and immediately have a run-in with the traffic police. Later, Max spots in a local newspaper
a 40th birthday message for his old school friend Kevin 'The Wolfster' Wolfson, who had moved to London some years before. Max and Paddy turn up unannounced at his birthday party and surprise 'The Wolfster', as well as several other old faces from home present for the party. Things turn sad though when Tina (played by Lisa Hammond
), Max's one true love mentioned in the previous episode, turns up. Max awkwardly talks to her, and things get even worse when he realises that she is actually married to, and has a child with, The Wolfster.
However, the child, a 10 year old boy called Daniel, is actually Max's son. Tina warns Max to stay away and not blow the secret, but the following morning he ropes Paddy in and the pair steal what they think is a school bus
with young Daniel aboard. They've got the wrong bus however, and are soon accosted by the police and sent directly to prison. The actor/comedian Reece Shearsmith
turns up in this episode as one of Max's old friends. The 'Row Row Row Your Boat' sequence on the bus is borrowed from Dirty Harry
, and in the scene where The Wolfster writes his telephone number on a beermat
and hands it to Max, it is clearly a Peter Kay
beermat, tying in with Kay's TV adverts for John Smith's bitter
.
The pair are now in prison
together after the school bus incident. Paddy is forced to share a cell with a tennis-playing Cliff Richard
impersonator who actually believes he is Cliff. After an uncomfortable first night, Paddy admits his fear of being 'bummed' (see sodomy
) in the shower room. Max convinces him the best thing to do is make the other prisoners believe they are not just two silly doormen, but genuine big-league gangsters called 'The Phoenix Twins'. After an altercation with a camp
inmate called Pepe, Max and Paddy are soon confronted by the main man of their wing, Raymond The Bastard (played by Everal Walsh
), who is also Pepe's boyfriend. Raymond is the worse of Paddy's nightmares when Paddy drops the soap, and is eagerly commented about his manhood as "Stunning, like a young Burt Reynolds
!". Raymond has heard about the pair's alleged big-money heists and robberies, and wants a cut of their money. Max agrees just to get Raymond off their backs and receive preferential treatment, including access to luxury chocolates and Sky+
.
Soon, their old Phoenix Club boss Brian Potter (played by Kay) unexpectedly comes to visit, along with a cake, announcing that he's organising several events to help speed up their release. They spurn him, not wanting a high profile campaign ruining their chances of release. Potter, as ever, fails to listen, and the whole wing later see him on the TV news talking about 'the doormen' Max and Paddy: thus showing up their tall stories as lies. A big fight is about to break out between Raymond and his henchmen against Max and Paddy. However, the fight is prevented by a prison officer telling Max and Paddy to come with him. The episode concludes with Tina, Max's ex-love, admitting to the authorities that Daniel is actually Max's son and he was acting under stress when he stole the bus. The pair are pardoned and get revenge on Brian Potter by informing the Home Office
that there is an outbreak of anthrax at his club. We find out in this episode that Max's full name is Maxwell Bygraves, a jokey reference to the veteran British entertainer Max Bygraves
.
In the countryside, Paddy is driving the van when he accidentally knocks over and kills a cow walking in the road. Tracing the cow to a nearby farm, the pair go off to find the farmer and claim expenses for the damage to the van. They come across what they assume is him: an odd, scruffy old man in a field, who instead of giving them compensation money sells them a breeder pig
for £100. He claims they can sell it on at market for around £300. When Max and Paddy reach the cattle
market, they discover the pig has seen better days and they've been conned. After several unsuccessful attempts to sell the pig on to butchers shops, a supermarket, and even a Halal
outlet, Max and Paddy decide to kill it themselves to get rid of the burden. They have a change of heart though and head back to the farm to reclaim their £100. They soon discover that the old man who sold them the pig initially was actually the drunken father-in-law
of the real farmer, and their money has probably all gone to the nearest pub. Also the farmer isn't very happy about the two killing one of his cows... Guest starring Graham Walker of The Grumbleweeds
.
Max and Paddy finally hit North East England
to visit Max's old doorman friend Billy 'The Butcher' Shannon, who had previously briefly appeared in the 1994 flashback in Episode 2. They agree to let Shannon, who is looking for his estranged son, hitch a ride around. They soon discover though that he's obsessed with Max ("Not in a gay way" he claims), and irrationally hates Paddy. What they fail to notice at the same time is that Shannon is carrying a revolver
, which he uses to force a Little Chef
worker called Brenda (played by Alex Hall) to open for the trio late at night. The Little Chef is Whitemare Pool, near Boldon, Tyne and Wear. The police are quickly on to the gang, with only Shannon aware of any crime. When the campervan
stops off later down the road, Max sees a newspaper headline and realises what's happening. Furthermore, Billy catches Paddy going through his stuff and prepares to shoot him.
A chase eventually ensues through the services and along a motorway tunnel bridge
, and Shannon shoots Paddy in the bottom
. He's on the verge of firing at Max too, but Paddy quickly recovers, and bashes Shannon around the head with a traffic cone
, using Peter Kay
's TV catchphrase of "'Ave It!" in the process. With Shannon now unconscious and arrested, Max and Paddy slip away from a police telling-off - due to the fact that earlier in the episode they cut down a speed camera - and escape into the night in the van.
Max and Paddy
Maxwell "Max" Bygraves and Patrick "Paddy" O'Shea are fictional nightclub bouncers created by comedian Peter Kay and performed by Kay and fellow comedian Patrick "Paddy" McGuinness....
's Road to Nowhere was an award-winning British comedy
Comedy
Comedy , as a popular meaning, is any humorous discourse or work generally intended to amuse by creating laughter, especially in television, film, and stand-up comedy. This must be carefully distinguished from its academic definition, namely the comic theatre, whose Western origins are found in...
television show on Channel 4
Channel 4
Channel 4 is a British public-service television broadcaster which began working on 2 November 1982. Although largely commercially self-funded, it is ultimately publicly owned; originally a subsidiary of the Independent Broadcasting Authority , the station is now owned and operated by the Channel...
starring and written by Peter Kay
Peter Kay
Peter John Kay is an English comedian, writer, actor, director and producer. His work includes That Peter Kay Thing , Phoenix Nights , Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere , Britain's Got the Pop Factor... and other independent productions which have included two sell out tours.-Early career:Peter Kay...
and Patrick McGuinness. All the episodes were also directed by Kay. It began on 12 November 2004 and ran for six 30 minute episodes up until 17 December 2004, with each episode airing at 9.30pm. A nationwide billboard
Billboard (advertising)
A billboard is a large outdoor advertising structure , typically found in high traffic areas such as alongside busy roads. Billboards present large advertisements to passing pedestrians and drivers...
poster campaign promoted the series with posters in the style of those for movies such as The Cannonball Run.
The veteran singer Tony Christie
Tony Christie
Tony Christie is an English musician, singer and actor. He is best known for his track, "Is This The Way To Amarillo", a double UK chart success.-Career:Tony Christie has sold over 10 million albums Worldwide...
was also promoted as singing the show's theme, but his version was only used once; at the very end of the final episode. Kay and McGuinness themselves sang it in the opening sequences of Episodes 2 to 6, chiming: "Don't know where we're going, Got no way of knowing, Driving on the Road To Nowhere, Sponging for a living, Checkin' out the women, Riding on the Road To Nowhere... And we don't take shit from anyone, The only thing we wanna do is have some fun, It's Max and Paddy, Paddy and Max, And best of all we don't pay council tax
Council tax
Council Tax is the system of local taxation used in England, Scotland and Wales to part fund the services provided by local government in each country. It was introduced in 1993 by the Local Government Finance Act 1992, as a successor to the unpopular Community Charge...
". The tune (co-written by Toni Baker & Peter Kay
Peter Kay
Peter John Kay is an English comedian, writer, actor, director and producer. His work includes That Peter Kay Thing , Phoenix Nights , Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere , Britain's Got the Pop Factor... and other independent productions which have included two sell out tours.-Early career:Peter Kay...
) borrowed heavily from the theme to the 1970s American series B.J. and the Bear
B.J. and the Bear
B.J. and the Bear is an American comedy series which aired on NBC from 1979 to 1981. Created by Christopher Crowe and Glen A. Larson, the series stars Greg Evigan and Claude Akins.-Plot:Greg Evigan stars as B.J...
.
This spin off from Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights was a BAFTA-nominated English sitcom about The Phoenix Club, a working men's club in the northern English town of Farnworth, Greater Manchester. The show was written by Neil Fitzmaurice, Peter Kay and Dave Spikey, produced by Goodnight Vienna Productions and Ovation...
follows the two Bolton
Bolton
Bolton is a town in Greater Manchester, in the North West of England. Close to the West Pennine Moors, it is north west of the city of Manchester. Bolton is surrounded by several smaller towns and villages which together form the Metropolitan Borough of Bolton, of which Bolton is the...
doormen/bouncers Maxwell "Max" Bygraves (Kay) and Patrick "Paddy" O'Shea (McGuinness) as they wind their way around Britain
Great Britain
Great Britain or Britain is an island situated to the northwest of Continental Europe. It is the ninth largest island in the world, and the largest European island, as well as the largest of the British Isles...
in their campervan
Campervan
A campervan , sometimes referred to simply as a camper, or a caravanette, is a self-propelled vehicle that provides both transport and sleeping accommodation. The term mainly describes vans that have been fitted out, often with a coachbuilt body for use as accommodation...
. The key reason why they are on the open road is never mentioned in the series however: they took £8,000 from a woman in the second series of Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights was a BAFTA-nominated English sitcom about The Phoenix Club, a working men's club in the northern English town of Farnworth, Greater Manchester. The show was written by Neil Fitzmaurice, Peter Kay and Dave Spikey, produced by Goodnight Vienna Productions and Ovation...
to kill her husband, but never properly went through with the job. When she discovered this, they hit the road in the van to escape the possible consequences. Although this series was broadcast two years after Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights was a BAFTA-nominated English sitcom about The Phoenix Club, a working men's club in the northern English town of Farnworth, Greater Manchester. The show was written by Neil Fitzmaurice, Peter Kay and Dave Spikey, produced by Goodnight Vienna Productions and Ovation...
, the action seems to be set immediately afterwards. However the Motor Home they purchased in Phoenix Nights is a Ford, and the Motor Home they use in Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere is actually a Fiat
Fiat
FIAT, an acronym for Fabbrica Italiana Automobili Torino , is an Italian automobile manufacturer, engine manufacturer, financial, and industrial group based in Turin in the Italian region of Piedmont. Fiat was founded in 1899 by a group of investors including Giovanni Agnelli...
.
Max is the older and more sensible of the two, roughly 40 years old, and usually pretending to have more life experience than he has actually had, including a stint in the army
Army
An army An army An army (from Latin arma "arms, weapons" via Old French armée, "armed" (feminine), in the broadest sense, is the land-based military of a nation or state. It may also include other branches of the military such as the air force via means of aviation corps...
. Paddy is a cheeky and likely lad obsessed with sex
Sex
In biology, sex is a process of combining and mixing genetic traits, often resulting in the specialization of organisms into a male or female variety . Sexual reproduction involves combining specialized cells to form offspring that inherit traits from both parents...
, pornography
Pornography
Pornography or porn is the explicit portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purposes of sexual arousal and erotic satisfaction.Pornography may use any of a variety of media, ranging from books, magazines, postcards, photos, sculpture, drawing, painting, animation, sound recording, film, video,...
, food
Food
Food is any substance consumed to provide nutritional support for the body. It is usually of plant or animal origin, and contains essential nutrients, such as carbohydrates, fats, proteins, vitamins, or minerals...
, and several strange but funny catchphrases such as "Ding Dang Doo". Max often coldly stares at Paddy or anyone who has offended his tastes and often shouts "H-how dare you!". He also calls people a clown or a melon if they've said something absurd.
A spoof fitness DVD was released, Max & Paddy's The Power of Two, including several gags and pieces of scenery from the main series. The DVD also included extra workout tips and a segment instructed by Brian Potter live from the Phoenix Club. On the DVD packaging, it is now referred to as "The UK's fastest selling fitness DVD - Ever!". Although the main workout is shown in full, it is more intended as a spoof product than a genuine workout.
A second series of the show was initially planned for 2006, but Peter Kay
Peter Kay
Peter John Kay is an English comedian, writer, actor, director and producer. His work includes That Peter Kay Thing , Phoenix Nights , Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere , Britain's Got the Pop Factor... and other independent productions which have included two sell out tours.-Early career:Peter Kay...
instead confirmed a third series of Phoenix Nights (which as of February 2011, has not yet happened), along with possible specials of Max and Paddy.
Episode 1 (4.2m viewers)
Dover
Dover is a town and major ferry port in the home county of Kent, in South East England. It faces France across the narrowest part of the English Channel, and lies south-east of Canterbury; east of Kent's administrative capital Maidstone; and north-east along the coastline from Dungeness and Hastings...
, Max and Paddy buy a plasma
Plasma display
A plasma display panel is a type of flat panel display common to large TV displays or larger. They are called "plasma" displays because the technology utilizes small cells containing electrically charged ionized gases, or what are in essence chambers more commonly known as fluorescent...
television from an Irish crook called Gypsy Joe. This leads to several arguments, especially when they realise the television doesn't have any speakers. The pair thus decide to go out to a nightclub
Nightclub
A nightclub is an entertainment venue which usually operates late into the night...
to let off some steam and forget their troubles, but Max's uncoordinated dancing spoils the night and he ends up fighting with some sailors home on shore leave
Shore leave
Shore leave is the leave that professional sailors get to spend on dry land. It is culturally infamous for its excess. Sailors without family obligations and with basic lodging needs provided aboard ship may spend their wages for the journey in a brief period of extravagance ashore and return to...
. Paddy teaches him a few cool moves the following day, and they return to the club dressed as sailors in order to blend in. Their new moves lure two local girls, Tracey and Louise, back to the campervan
Campervan
A campervan , sometimes referred to simply as a camper, or a caravanette, is a self-propelled vehicle that provides both transport and sleeping accommodation. The term mainly describes vans that have been fitted out, often with a coachbuilt body for use as accommodation...
, only for one of them to steal
Theft
In common usage, theft is the illegal taking of another person's property without that person's permission or consent. The word is also used as an informal shorthand term for some crimes against property, such as burglary, embezzlement, larceny, looting, robbery, shoplifting and fraud...
Paddy's wallet
Wallet
A wallet, or billfold, is a small, flat case that is used to carry personal items such as cash, credit cards, identification documents , photographs, business cards and other paper or laminated cards...
. After discovering the girls, locally known as the 'Belgrano Sisters', are infamous for this, they get some payback
Revenge
Revenge is a harmful action against a person or group in response to a grievance, be it real or perceived. It is also called payback, retribution, retaliation or vengeance; it may be characterized, justly or unjustly, as a form of justice.-Function in society:Some societies believe that the...
by forcing them to steal some speakers for their television.
Episode 2 (3.26m viewers)
PORN
Porn is a common short form for pornography. It may also refer to:* Progressive outer retinal necrosis, a disease of the retina* PORN, a French industrial rock band...
film shoot (a film called Willy
Penis
The penis is a biological feature of male animals including both vertebrates and invertebrates...
Wanker
Wanker
Wanker is a pejorative term of English origin, common in Commonwealth and ex-Commonwealth countries, including Britain, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa. It initially referred to an onanist but has since become a general insult. It is synonymous with tosser.-Meaning:The term wanker...
and the Chocolate Factory - a porn parody of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory is a 1971 musical film adaptation of the 1964 novel Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl, directed by Mel Stuart, and starring Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. The film tells the story of Charlie Bucket as he receives a golden ticket and visits Willy...
) goes wrong for Paddy (initially believing he would naturally be working in a heterosexual porn film, he finds out otherwise), the campervan
Campervan
A campervan , sometimes referred to simply as a camper, or a caravanette, is a self-propelled vehicle that provides both transport and sleeping accommodation. The term mainly describes vans that have been fitted out, often with a coachbuilt body for use as accommodation...
breaks down in the Midlands
English Midlands
The Midlands, or the English Midlands, is the traditional name for the area comprising central England that broadly corresponds to the early medieval Kingdom of Mercia. It borders Southern England, Northern England, East Anglia and Wales. Its largest city is Birmingham, and it was an important...
. The pair hand it over to a local garage run by Mick Bustin, played by British rocker Noddy Holder
Noddy Holder
Neville John "Noddy" Holder MBE is an English musician and actor. He was the lead vocalist and guitarist with the rock band Slade....
. To kill time, Max and Paddy catch the train to Middlewood
Middlewood railway station
Middlewood railway station serves the Middlewood and Higher Poynton districts of Poynton, Cheshire.It is on the Stockport to Buxton line, opened in 1879 by the London and North Western Railway on the Stockport, Disley and Whaley Bridge Railway which they had acquired in 1866...
, which actually turns out to be the last one that day, so the pair are forced to go for a walk
WALK
WALK may refer to:*WALK , a radio station licensed to East Patchogue, New York, United States*WALK-FM, a radio station licensed to Patchogue, New York, United States...
in the woods, but quickly become lost. After Max shows a bemused Paddy his notebook
Notebook
A notebook is a book or binder composed of pages of notes, often ruled, made out of paper, used for purposes including recording notes or memoranda, writing, drawing, and scrapbooking....
filled with drawings of a television programme he's invented called "Magnet and Steel", the pair reluctantly decide to sleep rough in the woods. Paddy quickly causes ill feeling by burning Max's book on their campfire
Campfire
A campfire is a fire lit at a campsite, to serve the following functions: light, warmth, a beacon, a bug and/or apex predator deterrent, to cook, and for a psychological sense of security. In established campgrounds they are usually in a fire ring for safety. Campfires are a popular feature of...
, but Max soon comes around and begins talking, accompanied by a flashback, about his one true love: a dwarf (see dwarfism
Dwarfism
Dwarfism is short stature resulting from a medical condition. It is sometimes defined as an adult height of less than 4 feet 10 inches , although this definition is problematic because short stature in itself is not a disorder....
) called Tina, who he met in 1994.
He goes on to say that the relationship
Intimate relationship
An intimate relationship is a particularly close interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy is characterized by romantic or passionate love and attachment, or sexual activity. The term is also sometimes used euphemistically for a sexual...
abruptly ended after she overheard him and his friends making jokes about her height. The following morning, the two discover to their dismay that they were a short walk away from a Petrol Station and a Travelodge
Travelodge
Travelodge refers to several hotel chains around the world. Current operations include: the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Spain, the Republic of Ireland, New Zealand and Australia...
. Things get worse when Mick Bustin tries to charge them £500 to retrieve the campervan
Campervan
A campervan , sometimes referred to simply as a camper, or a caravanette, is a self-propelled vehicle that provides both transport and sleeping accommodation. The term mainly describes vans that have been fitted out, often with a coachbuilt body for use as accommodation...
, causing the pair to break into Bustin's workshop and, in a parody of The A-Team
The A-Team
The A-Team is an American action adventure television series about a fictional group of ex-United States Army Special Forces personnel who work as soldiers of fortune, while on the run from the Army after being branded as war criminals for a "crime they didn't commit". The A-Team was created by...
, modify the van and 'bust' out back on to the road, only for the van to break down again miles later, Mick Bustin having never actually made any repairs.
This episode features several regulars from Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights
Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights was a BAFTA-nominated English sitcom about The Phoenix Club, a working men's club in the northern English town of Farnworth, Greater Manchester. The show was written by Neil Fitzmaurice, Peter Kay and Dave Spikey, produced by Goodnight Vienna Productions and Ovation...
, and a homage to the movie Midnight Cowboy
Midnight Cowboy
Midnight Cowboy is a 1969 American drama film based on the 1965 novel of the same name by James Leo Herlihy. It was written by Waldo Salt, directed by John Schlesinger, and stars Dustin Hoffman and newcomer Jon Voight in the title role. Notable smaller roles are filled by Sylvia Miles, John...
. We also find out here that Paddy's full name is Patrick O'Shea. This joke is based around the rumour that Sunderland player John O'Shea
John O'Shea
John O'Shea can refer to:*John O'Shea, Irish footballer with Sunderland*John O'Shea , New Zealand film director*John O'Shea *John O'Shea , Wales international rugby union footballer*John O'Shea...
is regularly teased by team-mates for his physical resemblance to Patrick McGuinness.
Episode 3 (3.01m viewers)
Newspaper
A newspaper is a scheduled publication containing news of current events, informative articles, diverse features and advertising. It usually is printed on relatively inexpensive, low-grade paper such as newsprint. By 2007, there were 6580 daily newspapers in the world selling 395 million copies a...
a 40th birthday message for his old school friend Kevin 'The Wolfster' Wolfson, who had moved to London some years before. Max and Paddy turn up unannounced at his birthday party and surprise 'The Wolfster', as well as several other old faces from home present for the party. Things turn sad though when Tina (played by Lisa Hammond
Lisa Hammond
Lisa Hammond is a British studio potter. She is a Fellow of the Craft Potters Association of Britain and its vice chair. She has specialised in vapour glazing since leaving college, first using salt and, since the early 1980s, soda glaze. She produces a range of functional ware for the...
), Max's one true love mentioned in the previous episode, turns up. Max awkwardly talks to her, and things get even worse when he realises that she is actually married to, and has a child with, The Wolfster.
However, the child, a 10 year old boy called Daniel, is actually Max's son. Tina warns Max to stay away and not blow the secret, but the following morning he ropes Paddy in and the pair steal what they think is a school bus
School bus
A school bus is a type of bus designed and manufactured for student transport: carrying children and teenagers to and from school and school events...
with young Daniel aboard. They've got the wrong bus however, and are soon accosted by the police and sent directly to prison. The actor/comedian Reece Shearsmith
Reece Shearsmith
Reeson "Reece" Shearsmith is an English actor and writer. He is most famous for his work as part of The League of Gentlemen along with fellow performers Steve Pemberton, Mark Gatiss and co-writer Jeremy Dyson.-Early life:...
turns up in this episode as one of Max's old friends. The 'Row Row Row Your Boat' sequence on the bus is borrowed from Dirty Harry
Dirty Harry
Dirty Harry is a 1971 American crime thriller produced and directed by Don Siegel, the first in the Dirty Harry series. Clint Eastwood plays the title role, in his first outing as San Francisco Police Department Inspector "Dirty" Harry Callahan....
, and in the scene where The Wolfster writes his telephone number on a beermat
Beermat
A coaster, drink coaster, beverage coaster, or beermat, is used to rest beverages upon. The main purpose is to protect the surface of a table or any other surface where the user might place their beverage....
and hands it to Max, it is clearly a Peter Kay
Peter Kay
Peter John Kay is an English comedian, writer, actor, director and producer. His work includes That Peter Kay Thing , Phoenix Nights , Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere , Britain's Got the Pop Factor... and other independent productions which have included two sell out tours.-Early career:Peter Kay...
beermat, tying in with Kay's TV adverts for John Smith's bitter
Bitter (beer)
Bitter is an English term for pale ale. Bitters vary in colour from gold to dark amber and in strength from 3% to 7% alcohol by volume.-Brief history:...
.
Episode 4 (3.16m viewers)
Prison
A prison is a place in which people are physically confined and, usually, deprived of a range of personal freedoms. Imprisonment or incarceration is a legal penalty that may be imposed by the state for the commission of a crime...
together after the school bus incident. Paddy is forced to share a cell with a tennis-playing Cliff Richard
Cliff Richard
Sir Cliff Richard, OBE is a British pop singer, musician, performer, actor, and philanthropist who has sold over an estimated 250 million records worldwide....
impersonator who actually believes he is Cliff. After an uncomfortable first night, Paddy admits his fear of being 'bummed' (see sodomy
Sodomy
Sodomy is an anal or other copulation-like act, especially between male persons or between a man and animal, and one who practices sodomy is a "sodomite"...
) in the shower room. Max convinces him the best thing to do is make the other prisoners believe they are not just two silly doormen, but genuine big-league gangsters called 'The Phoenix Twins'. After an altercation with a camp
Camp (style)
Camp is an aesthetic sensibility that regards something as appealing because of its taste and ironic value. The concept is closely related to kitsch, and things with camp appeal may also be described as being "cheesy"...
inmate called Pepe, Max and Paddy are soon confronted by the main man of their wing, Raymond The Bastard (played by Everal Walsh
Everal Walsh
Everal A. Walsh is a British theatre and television actor. He is sometimes credited as Everal Walsh or Evral Walsh.In his early years he used to work as a doorman in a few leeds public houses one being colours a night club in leeds underneath a club now called flares in the city centre.His roles...
), who is also Pepe's boyfriend. Raymond is the worse of Paddy's nightmares when Paddy drops the soap, and is eagerly commented about his manhood as "Stunning, like a young Burt Reynolds
Burt Reynolds
Burton Leon "Burt" Reynolds, Jr. is an American actor. Some of his memorable roles include Bo 'Bandit' Darville in Smokey and the Bandit, Lewis Medlock in Deliverance, Bobby "Gator" McCluskey in White Lightning and sequel Gator, Paul Crewe and Coach Nate Scarborough in The Longest Yard and its...
!". Raymond has heard about the pair's alleged big-money heists and robberies, and wants a cut of their money. Max agrees just to get Raymond off their backs and receive preferential treatment, including access to luxury chocolates and Sky+
Sky+
Sky+, or Sky Plus, is a personal video recorder service for Sky in the UK. Launched in September 2001, it allows the user to record, pause and instantly rewind live TV. The system performs these functions using an internal hard drive inside the Sky+ set top box...
.
Soon, their old Phoenix Club boss Brian Potter (played by Kay) unexpectedly comes to visit, along with a cake, announcing that he's organising several events to help speed up their release. They spurn him, not wanting a high profile campaign ruining their chances of release. Potter, as ever, fails to listen, and the whole wing later see him on the TV news talking about 'the doormen' Max and Paddy: thus showing up their tall stories as lies. A big fight is about to break out between Raymond and his henchmen against Max and Paddy. However, the fight is prevented by a prison officer telling Max and Paddy to come with him. The episode concludes with Tina, Max's ex-love, admitting to the authorities that Daniel is actually Max's son and he was acting under stress when he stole the bus. The pair are pardoned and get revenge on Brian Potter by informing the Home Office
Home Office
The Home Office is the United Kingdom government department responsible for immigration control, security, and order. As such it is responsible for the police, UK Border Agency, and the Security Service . It is also in charge of government policy on security-related issues such as drugs,...
that there is an outbreak of anthrax at his club. We find out in this episode that Max's full name is Maxwell Bygraves, a jokey reference to the veteran British entertainer Max Bygraves
Max Bygraves
Max Bygraves OBE is an English comedian, singer, actor and variety performer. He appeared on his own television shows, sometimes performing comedy sketches between songs...
.
Episode 5 (3.43m viewers)
Pig
A pig is any of the animals in the genus Sus, within the Suidae family of even-toed ungulates. Pigs include the domestic pig, its ancestor the wild boar, and several other wild relatives...
for £100. He claims they can sell it on at market for around £300. When Max and Paddy reach the cattle
Cattle
Cattle are the most common type of large domesticated ungulates. They are a prominent modern member of the subfamily Bovinae, are the most widespread species of the genus Bos, and are most commonly classified collectively as Bos primigenius...
market, they discover the pig has seen better days and they've been conned. After several unsuccessful attempts to sell the pig on to butchers shops, a supermarket, and even a Halal
Halal
Halal is a term designating any object or an action which is permissible to use or engage in, according to Islamic law. The term is used to designate food seen as permissible according to Islamic law...
outlet, Max and Paddy decide to kill it themselves to get rid of the burden. They have a change of heart though and head back to the farm to reclaim their £100. They soon discover that the old man who sold them the pig initially was actually the drunken father-in-law
Father-in-law
A parent-in-law is a person who has a legal affinity with another by being the parent of the other's spouse. Many cultures and legal systems impose duties and responsibilities on persons connected by this relationship...
of the real farmer, and their money has probably all gone to the nearest pub. Also the farmer isn't very happy about the two killing one of his cows... Guest starring Graham Walker of The Grumbleweeds
The Grumbleweeds
The Grumbleweeds are an award winning British comedy band, performing music and comedy. They were mostly popular on radio and television in the 1980s.-Career:...
.
Episode 6 (3.26m viewers)
North East England
North East England is one of the nine official regions of England. It covers Northumberland, County Durham, Tyne and Wear, and Teesside . The only cities in the region are Durham, Newcastle upon Tyne and Sunderland...
to visit Max's old doorman friend Billy 'The Butcher' Shannon, who had previously briefly appeared in the 1994 flashback in Episode 2. They agree to let Shannon, who is looking for his estranged son, hitch a ride around. They soon discover though that he's obsessed with Max ("Not in a gay way" he claims), and irrationally hates Paddy. What they fail to notice at the same time is that Shannon is carrying a revolver
Revolver
A revolver is a repeating firearm that has a cylinder containing multiple chambers and at least one barrel for firing. The first revolver ever made was built by Elisha Collier in 1818. The percussion cap revolver was invented by Samuel Colt in 1836. This weapon became known as the Colt Paterson...
, which he uses to force a Little Chef
Little Chef
Little Chef is a chain of roadside restaurants in the United Kingdom, founded in 1958 and owned by the UK private equity group RCapital. Little Chef's previous owners were The People's Restaurant Group Ltd., a company belonging to British catering entrepreneurs Simon Heath and Lawrence Wosskow,...
worker called Brenda (played by Alex Hall) to open for the trio late at night. The Little Chef is Whitemare Pool, near Boldon, Tyne and Wear. The police are quickly on to the gang, with only Shannon aware of any crime. When the campervan
Campervan
A campervan , sometimes referred to simply as a camper, or a caravanette, is a self-propelled vehicle that provides both transport and sleeping accommodation. The term mainly describes vans that have been fitted out, often with a coachbuilt body for use as accommodation...
stops off later down the road, Max sees a newspaper headline and realises what's happening. Furthermore, Billy catches Paddy going through his stuff and prepares to shoot him.
A chase eventually ensues through the services and along a motorway tunnel bridge
Bridge
A bridge is a structure built to span physical obstacles such as a body of water, valley, or road, for the purpose of providing passage over the obstacle...
, and Shannon shoots Paddy in the bottom
Buttocks
The buttocks are two rounded portions of the anatomy, located on the posterior of the pelvic region of apes and humans, and many other bipeds or quadrupeds, and comprise a layer of fat superimposed on the gluteus maximus and gluteus medius muscles. Physiologically, the buttocks enable weight to...
. He's on the verge of firing at Max too, but Paddy quickly recovers, and bashes Shannon around the head with a traffic cone
Traffic cone
Traffic cones, also called traffic pylons, road cones, highway cones, safety cones, construction cones or witches' hats or safety wizards, are usually cone-shaped markers that are placed on roads or footpaths to temporarily redirect traffic in a safe manner...
, using Peter Kay
Peter Kay
Peter John Kay is an English comedian, writer, actor, director and producer. His work includes That Peter Kay Thing , Phoenix Nights , Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere , Britain's Got the Pop Factor... and other independent productions which have included two sell out tours.-Early career:Peter Kay...
's TV catchphrase of "'Ave It!" in the process. With Shannon now unconscious and arrested, Max and Paddy slip away from a police telling-off - due to the fact that earlier in the episode they cut down a speed camera - and escape into the night in the van.
Future
On 22 February 2010, Peter Kay revealed to The Sun that he and Paddy McGuinness will be doing some more specials of Max and Paddy's Road To Nowhere. He also revealed that he wants Sir Terry Wogan to play an Irish baddie when Max and Paddy go to a funeral in Ireland but, after a stag night, only have fancy dress clothes.DVD audio commentary
Kay and McGuinness do not provide the DVD audio commentary.- Episode one: Colin MurrayColin MurrayColin Murray is a Northern Irish sports and music radio and television presenter. He is the current host of the BBC Television show Match of the Day 2 on BBC Two, and the BBC Radio 5 Live shows 5 Live Sport and Fighting Talk, as well as a show on BBC Radio Ulster. He has previously hosted regular...
and Edith BowmanEdith BowmanEdith Eleanor Bowman is a Scottish music critic, radio DJ and television presenter. She is mostly known for hosting the weekday afternoon show and from September 2009 weekend morning on BBC Radio 1 and for presenting a variety of music related television shows and music... - Episode two: Bez and Shaun RyderShaun RyderShaun William Ryder, aka X, is an English musician, occasional newspaper columnist, actor, author, singer-songwriter and television personality, best known as lead singer for Happy Mondays and Black Grape – and more recently as the runner-up of the 2010 version of the British TV Show I'm a...
- Episode three: Vernon KayVernon KayVernon Charles Kay is a British television presenter, radio DJ, american footballer and former model. He began television presenting on the BBC children's programme FBi, a spin-off of Fully Booked. Since he has presented various programmes, most notably T4, Beat the Star and All Star Family...
and Tess DalyTess DalyHelen Elizabeth "Tess" Daly is an English television presenter. She is married to the presenter Vernon Kay.-Early life:Daly was born in Derbyshire to Vivian , who died of emphysema, and Sylvia Daly... - Episode four: Vernon KayVernon KayVernon Charles Kay is a British television presenter, radio DJ, american footballer and former model. He began television presenting on the BBC children's programme FBi, a spin-off of Fully Booked. Since he has presented various programmes, most notably T4, Beat the Star and All Star Family...
and Tess DalyTess DalyHelen Elizabeth "Tess" Daly is an English television presenter. She is married to the presenter Vernon Kay.-Early life:Daly was born in Derbyshire to Vivian , who died of emphysema, and Sylvia Daly... - Episode five: Keith Harris and Orville The DuckOrville the DuckOrville the Duck is the puppet of ventriloquist Keith Harris and was named after Orville Wright . Orville is a green duckling who wears nothing but a nappy with a large safety pin on the front...
- Episode six: Stuart Hall and Stuart MaconieStuart MaconieStuart Maconie is an English radio DJ and television presenter, writer, journalist, and critic working in the field of of pop music and popular culture. He is currently a presenter on BBC 6 Music, where he hosts an afternoon show five times a week , alongside Mark Radcliffe, called the Radcliffe...
See also
- Max and PaddyMax and PaddyMaxwell "Max" Bygraves and Patrick "Paddy" O'Shea are fictional nightclub bouncers created by comedian Peter Kay and performed by Kay and fellow comedian Patrick "Paddy" McGuinness....
- Phoenix Nights
- Britain's Got The Pop Factor And Possibly A New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice
External links
- Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere at soundboards.ws
- Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere Soundboard