Garfield and Friends
Topics
Garfield and Friends
Quotations
Garfield and Friends was a popular animated series based on the comic strip Garfield.
Garfield: So a new day's slowly dawning.
Please forgive this cat for yawning.
I see that it's half past seven.
I think I'll go back to bed until eleven.
But the puppy (Odie) makes me cautious,
And our houseguest (Nermal) makes me nauseus.
I would sleep but I'm unable.
Might as well see if my breakfast's on the table.
Where's my meal? I am starving.
Start the cooking! Start the carving!
I eat breakfast as a habit.
(referring to a lettuce) This is quite a lovely meal for a rabbit.
Make an omelette. Make a waffle,
Though your cooking's really awful.
Make me pancakes. Make me bacon.
If you think that I will eat this you're mistaken.
Jon:You're too fat! I can't keep quiet,
You're too fat, It's time to diet,
I insist.
You will not have a feast
Until you lose ten pounds at least!
No more food!
Forgive me if I'm sounding rude,
But you have got to lose some weight!
You get no more to eat,
Until, you look and see your feet!
Garfield: Hiya Odie! Whatcha doing?
How's that bone that you are chewing?
There's a rumbling in my tummy,
And that bone if yours is looking pretty yummy.
Nermal: I am Nermal. I'm a cutie!
I'm the peak of feline beauty!
Folks adore me, if they've met me!
They will line up for miles just to pet me!
Garfield: Sorry, Nermal. Not this morning.
You have had your final warning.
I have taken up a hobby:
Mailing kittens all the way to Abu Dhabi.
Un Momento! Who's that person?
Why, it's Mrs Ann Mcpherson!
She's the chairman, undefeated,
Of a group that makes sure pets are not mistreated.
Ann Mcpherson: You poor cat, I heard you squeal!
You poor cat, you need a meal!
It appears
Your master doesn't give
You all the things to need to live!
(to Jon)Feed this pet!
You know that it's a real threat.
If you don't, I will call the cops,
And they will send some cars
Of men to put you behind bars
Jon: Eat!
Have a bowl of shredded wheat!
Add some sugar make it sweet,
For a treat,
It's so neat
When you have fruit or berries!
Eat!
Dieting is obsolete!
Have another piece of meat!
Can't be beat,
Though you cannot see your feet!
There is nothing in this world,
Like eating everything that's edible!
Have some ice-cream lightly swirled,
It's really quite incredible!
Eat each pie, and roll, and tart,
And do not count a calorie!
Eating is the finest art,
You should be in some gallery!
Chew! Chew! Chew!
Yes, you,you,you.
Stuff yourself until your little tummy aches.
Eat! Eat! Eat!
Each sandwich that your
Weary kitchen master makes.
And cakes!
And steaks!
And Quakes!
And lakes of shakes!
Land sakes! (Garfield has grown into a giant)
Mmmmunch!
Have another glass of punch!
Eat bananas by the bunch!
I've a hunch,
That you're planning something good for dinner.
Munch!
Hear that meal going crunch!
Think your chair is gonna scrunch!
What a brunch!
This should hold you until lunch.
You love to dine on each kind
Of food you can find!
You put it all away although
As you will know it all winds up behind!
Do not let your fork stop!
Have another pork chop!
It was on a dark and stormy day,
And the pussycat was snoring.
And since no-one was around to play
The little puppy went exploring.
Odie didn't listen to our warning
That it wasn't safe to roam,
So he left the house on a rainy morning,
And he wandered far from home.
Down the avenue the puppy stumbled,
To the warehouse part of town,
And about that time the storm clouds rumbled,
And the rain came pouring down.
Now as we all know this dog is dense
And is not known for his brain,
But he had at least the common sense
To seek shelter from the rain.
Now the truck in which he chose to nap
Was the rig of Billy Bob,
An honest and hard-working chap
Who was desperate for a job.
'Til the day that rich guy came around,
And said, to Billy's glee,
"If you get this load there safe and sound,
You can come work for me."
It was quite a break for a guy who was broke,
So he loaded up the freight,
And by the time that the dog awoke,
They were on the interstate.
When he found he had a dog aboard,
Billy Bob was shocked, and said
"To take you back, I can't afford,
We will have to press ahead."
Chorus:
Keep on rolling,Keep on rolling,
Rolling down the road.
Keep on rolling,Keep on rolling,
With your heavy load.
Keep on trucking,Keep on trucking,
That's what truckers do.
Got to keep on trucking,
Got to get on through.
Garfield:
Old Trucker Bruce was a local blight,
He was known from here to Fargo,
For running trucks off the road at night
To relieve them of their cargo.
When he saw Billy's passing rig,
He said with an evil smirk,
"That trucker's hauling something big,
Guess it's time I went to work."
So he got his truck out on the double,
T'was the biggest he could find.
And Billy knew he was in real big trouble
When he saw old Bruce behind.
Billy shook and moaned and shivered,
And he told the puppy why.
"We'll never get this load delivered
If I can't outrun this guy!"
The tire rubber almost burned,
As they zoomed on down the trail.
But no matter which why Billy turned,
He could see Bruce on his tail.
Billy Bob was hurrying,
But it was a hopeless cause.
And Odie sat there worrying
With his face buried in his paws.
He realised with great dismay
It was more than likely that
He never more would romp and play
With his friend Garfield Cat.
If you're wondering what became of me,
I was nowhere near the road.
I can't rescue Odie.
I'm not in this episode.
Keep on snoring, keep on snoring.
Back home safe and sound.
Keep on snoring, keep on snoring.
Most fun I have found.
Keep on sleeping, keep on sleeping.
Peaceful here alone.
Got to keep on sleeping.
(with chorus)Odie's on his own.
Garfield:
Now, Odie tried to leave his seat,
When a spill he chanced to take,
And he tumbled down by Billy's feet
And fell onto the brake.
The truck came to a sudden stop,
Right there on the interstate.
And Bruce found himself on top
Of an accident of first rate.
But Bruce he had both skill and luck,
And he swerved up on that ridge.
And he didn't run into Billy's truck,
But he did drive off the bridge.
He hit the lake with a mighty splash,
And it looked like there he'd stay.
So Billy Bob, like a lightning flash,
Hit the gas and sped away.
They didn't see old Bruce climb out
Of his truck all wringing wet.
They didn't hear his angry shout,
"I'll catch up with you yet!"
An hour later, Billy stopped
To get something quick to eat.
And Odie napped, while Billy shopped,
'Til a stranger took his seat.
That truck bad Bruce was gonna nab,
But his plan had just one flaw.
For Billy'd seen him by the cab,
And he notified the law.
The sheriff slapped the cuffs on Bruce,
Been hunting him all year.
But then they saw the truck was loose,
'Cause he'd left the thing in gear.
Chorus:
Stop the rolling,Stop the rolling,
Please don't let it roll.
Stop the rolling,Stop the rolling,
Truck's out of control.
Stop the trucking,Stop the trucking,
Or he won't survive.
Got to stop the trucking,
Odie cannot drive.
Garfield:
The puppy dog was filled with fear,
His horn went "BEEP BEEP BEEP".
He tried in vain the truck to steer,
It hit things in a heap.
Just when it seemed to be a loss,
The sheriff lent a hand.
And Billy Bob, he swung across
And quickly took command.
The puppy covered up his eyes,
They rolled into a shop.
And they both had a big surprise
When the truck came to a stop.
This building was, they quickly found,
The company's address.
They'd brought the cargo safe and sound,
With approximate success.
The job was Billy Bob's to claim,
As promised by the man.
Who had them paint his product's name
On the side of Billy's van.
Next morning on another run,
The pup came home for real.
But when he told me what he'd done
I said, "Big fat hairy deal."
It made no difference to this cat,
But I was thunderstruck,
When I saw the sign that revealed that
It was a lasagna truck.
There are heroes of most every kind,
But the ones this cat adores,
Are the heroes who should be enshrined,
Who bring pasta to our stores.
Garfield and Chorus:
Keep on rolling,Keep on rolling,
Rolling down the road.
Keep on rolling,Keep on rolling,
With your heavy load.
Keep on trucking,Keep on trucking,
That's what truckers do.
Got to keep on trucking,
Got to get on through.
Quotes from Garfield
- "Neither rain, nor snow, nor gloom of night--nor cat with bad disposition--will stay this clown from his appointed rounds." ~Binky
- Binky: Is Edna Fogarty here? I'm here to wish Edna Fogarty a happy 97th birthdaaaaayyy!
Garfield: If he does, Edna won't make 98. - "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday. Whoop-de-doo, whoop-de-doo. May your day be pleasant. Open up your present just for you, just for you." ~Binky's birthday song
- Jon: Well guys, how would you like to experience something real scary?
Garfield: Hmmm, Jon's gonna sing.
Jon: Something so spooky you'll never get over it.
Garfield: Hmmm, he's gonna sing and dance. - Jon: Don't you realize how wrong it was to try and mail Nermal to Abu Dhabi?
Garfield: You're right. Egypt's further. - Garfield: Are there any questions?
Audience member: Uh, yeah! Is wrestling fixed?
Garfield: Excuse me. I should have asked, "Are there any intelligent questions?" - "Anyone who sings like that should be drug out into the street and shot. Or worse, made to listen to a tape of themselves." ~Garfield
- "Garfield's been a very bad dog lately. I'm gonna teach him a lesson she'll never forget." ~Jon
- Jon: Garfield! How did you get here?
Garfield: Knowing you, it was probably economy coach. - "What luck. Jon finally gets a decent quantity of food in the house and it had to be yogurt." ~Garfield
- "You should never say, 'Things can't possibly get any worse.' Things'll always find a way." ~Garfield
- Garfield's "Abu Dhabi" song to Nermal:
Abu Dhabi, it's far away
Abu Dhabi, that's where you'll stay
Abu Dhabi, the place to be
For any kitten who's annoying me, yeah!
Abu Dhabi, it's off the track
Abu Dhabi, now don't come back
Abu Dhabi, it's quite a thrill
For any kitten who can make me ill!
Now some take a train, and some take a plane
But I am sending you
Not on a boat, or even by goat
But in a box marked "Postage Due"
Abu Dhabi, you're what they lack
Abu Dhabi, now you're all packed
Abu Dhabi, a far commute
For any kitten who is too darn cute! - "That's the mad scientist's assistant, Igor. Mad scientists' assistants are always named Igor. It's, like, a law." ~Garfield
- "For a while, [Binky] even hosted the wrestling matches. The wrestlers complained he was loud, they couldn't study their scripts." ~Garfield
- "You know what the sad part is? This is the sixth time Jon's taken me camping, and it's still the most fun I've ever had." ~Garfield
- "...Look what you've found. Do you know what this is, Odie? No, it's not a ball. It's the Klopman Diamond. A priceless gem, as well as a pointless running gag on a popular Saturday morning cartoon series." ~Garfield
- TV announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Odie and Friends!
Garfield: Odie and Friends? ...We are very close to the end of civilization as we know it.
Floyd: What a disgusting, insulting, unfair TV show. Bet it's a hit, though. - Garfield: Where's the ball, Odie? Stupid creatures love to fetch a ball.
Jon: (angrily walks up with the ball) You're annoying us, Garfield.
Garfield: Like I said. - Judge: "Order in the court."
Binky: I'll have a ham on rye. Hold the mayo! (laughs)
Garfield: That's the real Binky.
Judge: Arrest that phony!
Stinky Davis: Hey, you can't do this to me! I'll get you for this, cat!
Garfield: The real Binky could never resist a very old joke. - "In the history of mankind, no two people have ever been able to agree on the toppings for pizza." ~Garfield
- "This will scare the pants off those three or my name isn't June Arburkle!" ~Jon
- "You! You're not Sylvia! You're one of the Kung-Fu Creatures on the Rampage!... Two!" ~Man in the movie Kung-Fu Creatures on the Rampage II
- "If he's a real cop, then I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle." ~Garfield
- "A beautiful woman is interested in Jon and you're asking what's wrong? How long have you been on this show?" ~Garfield, to Odie
- "I'll see your horse, and raise you... a grand piano... and the mayor of Davenport, Iowa!" ~Garfield during a game of poker
- "Kids! Check your TV listings. Make sure this isn't the last episode!" ~Garfield
- Floyd: Just remember this moment, Garfield, 'cause there'll eventually come the day you'll beg me to do this show. But you know what? I won't be available. I'll be working for, uh, Disney or somebody.
Garfield: Who's he kidding? Disney's up to here with mice on their contract. - "Good morning. Sometimes, on the show, we like to teach you something a little educational. No, no! Don't change the channel! It's not that educational!" ~Garfield
- "Let me think how to solve this. Maybe I can call the Ghostbusters! Nah, their show was cancelled." ~Garfield
- Jon: Garfield, come back here with that! I said you could have a light snack.
Garfield: This is a light snack! A big snack includes soup. - "This is much better than sending him to Abu Dhabi, and it saves on stamps." ~Garfield, after locking Nermal in a jail cell
- Jon: We'll go to that new multiplex in town. They have 37 screens.
Garfield: All of which will be showing Kung-Fu Creatures on the Rampage 2. - "Odie, that is not a watch. That is a head of cabbage. There is a difference." ~Garfield
- Jon: I'll put a stop to this or my name is mud!
Garfield: "Mud" should be back any minute now.
Jon: (returns, covered with mud on his face) Hello, my name is Mud.
Garfield: We were expecting you. - Jon: Garfield look at you! You need to get in shape!
Garfield: Round is a shape. - Garfield: [to viewers] From time to time on this show, we like to bring you something a little educational. [a hand holding a remote control appears, startling Garfield] No, no! Don't change channels! It's not that educational.
- Garfield (to Odie) Rule number 1 in being a sidekick. Never dress better than the hero.
- Jon: It is a great honor to be in your presence, Your Highness.
Sultan: Oh, you don't have to call me Your Highness. Now, you can call me Ali. Or you can call me Wally. Or you can call me Ben. Or you can call me Benny. Or you can call me Ali Ben. Or you can call me Ali Ben, Jr. Or you can call me Junior. Or you can call me Ali, Jr. Or you can call me Sonny. Or you can call me Ali Benny, Jr. Or you can call me Junie. Or you can call Johnny. Or you can call me Benjie. Or you can call me Benjie, Jr. Or you can call me Ray. Or you can call me Jay. Or you can call me Ray Jay. Or you can call me R.J.J.
Quotes from U.S. Acres
- Wade: It's National Don't Mention Meat Or Someone Will Hit You With a Banana Cream Pie Day! If you mention a kind of meat, someone will hit you with a banana cream pie!
Roy: What? You mean I'll get hit with a banana cream pie if I mention, oh say, prime rib? (a pie hits him) That's a lot of baloney! (another pie hits him) Who do I complain to? I have a real beef! (a third pie hits him) Y'know what?! THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH AT STAKE! (a fourth pie hits him) I said STAKE. S-T-A-K-E. Not STEAK, S-T-E-A-K. (a fifth pie hits him) - (After Roy has quit the show) Wade: Roy's quit for good? Oh, now we ARE in a stew! (Hit with a pie)
Orson: Wade, that's what you get for being so frank. (Hit with a pie) - Orson: ...Maybe you'll look like me.
Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me? - Booker: Roy, why are you playing the wake-up call now? It's nine-thirty!
Roy: I'm on daylight savings' time. - "Hello, I'm Big Bad Buddy Bird. I never agree with the group. I set a bad example for impressionable children everywhere." ~Roy
- Booker: Let's turn [the princess in the changed Cinderella story] into a cowgirl.
Sheldon: No, a spacesuit. She's an astronaut.
Booker: Even better, let's make her a race car driver and she's got an evil twin.
Orson: No, she's a princess and there's only one of her! - "You will lose all your feathers during a total eclipse on Arbor day while listening to The Marine Corps Band playing "Home on the range" and watching a badminton match between two guys named Ichabod." ~Roy's fortune cookie
- Wade: Roy, your favorite show is on!
- : Roy: Garfield and Friends?!
- "And so Chicken Licken, Cocky Locky, Ducky Wucky, Piggy Wiggy, Sheepy Creepy, Lamby Wamby, Puppy Wuppy, Goosey Poosey, Horsey Worsey, Weasel Geasel, Turkey Lurkey, Hawky Tawky, Foxy Woxy, Eggy Leggy, Wooly Bully, Catty Fatty, Beaver Cleaver, Wormy Squirmy, Hoggy Woggy, Rooster Shooster, Fishy Wishy, Apey Wapey, Toady Woady, Mallard Ballard, Hippo Zippo, Mousey Wousey, and Chicky Wicky all went to see the king." ~Wade, reading Chicken Licken
- Roy: Read to the chicks? I can do that.
Wade: As can I! I wanna read to them.
Roy: I'm going to read to them.
Wade: No, I'm going to read to them.
Roy: Au contraire, ducko.
Wade: I don't care if you can speak Spanish, I'm still gonna read to them! - "[The CD is] stuck! That's what I get for buying a stereo from a horse." ~Roy
- Roy: At this rate, I'll be done [putting the grain back in the silo] in time for Christmas.
Sheldon: What year?
Roy: That I'm not sure of. - Wade: Everyone thinks I'm a coward, and I resent it.
Orson: Wade, you are a coward.
Wade: That's why I resent it. - Orson: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Roy: No more than usual. - "You are bullies! You are nasty swines, you are. I would say that you are not fit to eat with pigs, except for the fact that you are pigs." ~Wade, confronting Orson's brothers
- Orson: Now I'd like to do a little dance for you.
Roy: Don't! My earthquake insurance isn't paid up.
Orson: I am not fat! I have the body of a supreme athlete!
Roy: Well, give it back! You're getting it all stretched out of shape.
Orson: Roy, aren't you supposed to be selling tickets at the door?
Roy: What? And miss my chance to heckle you, Pignose?
Orson: well in that case, I won't dance."[The entire audience applauds] - Booker: What do you get when you cross a lasagna-loving cat with a bunch of zany farm animals?
Sheldon: You get picked up for another season. - "Man, I wish I had a line in this episode." ~Bo
- Roy: Orson! The chickens is missing!
Orson: Shouldn't that be the chickens are missing? You see, chickens is plural, so of course you need a plural verb--
Roy: Oh, great! The weasel has the chickens, and you're teaching grammar! - "What do you mean this is the only show you could get me on? Isn't Hanna-Barbera casting? What about cable? I heard they're doing a funny version of Ren and Stimpy." ~Roy
- Orson: (reading Rumpelstiltskin) After the king let the son out, the little man offered the son a deal.
Rumpelstiltskin (Roy): You can keep your VCR if you can guess my name.
Miller's son (Wade): Guess your name? Ha! That oughta be a cinch! Is it Fred?
Rumpelstiltskin: No.
Miller's son: Sam?
Rumpelstiltskin: No.
Miller's son: Elliot?
Rumpelstiltskin: Nope!
Miller's son: Jason?
Rumpelstiltskin: No way.
Orson: The son just kept on guessing far into the night...
Miller's son: Irving? Floyd? Ichabod? Michael? Sidney? John? Paul? George? Ringo? Larry? Moe? Curly? Shemp? Howie? Frank?
Rumpelstiltskin: Nope.
Orson: ...but without success.
Miller's son: Arbuthnot? Trallfaz? Sting? Prince? Engelburt?
Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, you only get one more guess.
Pizzaman (Bo): Hey, like, hi there, Rumpelstiltskin. Qué pasa?
Miller's son: I know it! I know your name! Your name is...
Roy: (grabs the book from Orson) But before the duck-son could say the name, a hurricane came up!
Orson: A hurricane!?
Roy: Yes, a hurricane. And it blew the duck away, so he couldn't take his VCR back.
Wade: Uno momento!
Orson: Guys!
Wade: Then a spaceship came by! And it rescued the handsome duck and flew him back to reclaim his VCR.
Orson: Guys, stop this!
Roy: But the rooster was determined to get it back with the aid of his trained dinosaurs!
Orson: Trained dinosaurs? Where did the trained dinosaurs come from?
Roy: Same place all those ninjas came from.
Wade: But then the Third Marine Division landed with their Anti-Trained Dinosaur Squadron.
Roy: But the Mole People were too smart for the Marines!
Orson: Guys! - Wade: (looks at the "U.S. Acres Quickie" logo) Orson, what's a quickie?
Orson: It's a short joke.
Booker: (entering) I don't like jokes about being short!
Orson: Well, it's not a joke about being short, Booker; it's a joke that is short.
Roy: (entering with Bo) But couldn't you do a short joke about someone being short?
Bo: You could even do a long joke about someone being short.
Roy: Then that'd be a long short joke!
Orson: Enough already! A quickie is a joke that's only 45 seconds, and it's--
Sheldon: (entering) Time's up!
Wade: (as the camera fades out) Shucks! I never found out what a quickie was. - Roy: (considering moving onto the Buddy Bears' show) You [the Buddy Bears] won't hit me with pies?
Bobby Buddy Bear: Oh no!
Billy Buddy Bear: We never hit anyone with pies!
Bertie Buddy Bear: That's not educational and uplifting!
All Buddy Bears: We never do anything that's not educational and uplifting! - Maurice: I take people into fantasy sequences and show them what the world would be like if they had never lived.
Wade: Oh yeah. Like that movie they show seven million times every Christmas.
Garfield's Introductory Lines
In every episode, right at the end of the theme song, Garfield would always say something different.- "This show is K-rated - no adults unless accompanied by a kid."
- "Smart kids watch this show; other kids just change the channel."
- "Maybe not as funny as pro wrestling, but a lot more realistic."
- "You folks have this confused. I'm real, and you're animated."
- "I just checked the TV listings; I'm the only thing on right now."
- "Pay careful attention, everyone; there'll be a quiz later."
- "The Garfield Guarantee - no giant robots or annoying little blue people."
- "So if someone wants you to change the channel, kids, just say no."
- "Don't forget, kids, look both ways before crossing your teacher."
- "Hey, Heathcliff! Eat your heart out!"
- "Beware of imitations, accept no substitutes. Batteries not included."
- "You notice how every week I say something different here?"
- "Hey you, the kid who missed last week's show! You'd better have a good excuse."
- "I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here today."
- "And just remember what you paid to get in."
- "A funny thing happened to me on my way to my cartoon show."
- "Hey you, chewing the gum! I hope you brought enough for everybody."
- "Eat and be lazy, kids, and someday you'll have your own show too."
- "Sell your remote control. I'm the best thing on."
- "I can't believe we get away with this every week."
- "Today featuring Binky the Clown, so turn up the volume, kids!"
- "Don't try any of this at home, kids. We're professionals."
- "Wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist? My lips never move."
- "This offer void where prohibited. Some restrictions may apply. Batteries not included."
- "We've got to stop that chicken from writing on my logo every week."
- "Garfield and Friends is taped in front of an animated studio audience."
- "And a special hello to all you wonderful Nielsen familes out there."
- "And pay attention; there'll be a test at the end."
- "Change channels and you'll never see your dog again."
- "Today's show is brought to you by the letter K and the number 9."
- "It doesn't start until the fat lady screams."
- "My lips never move. Wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist?"
- "I'd like to buy a vowel, please."
- "In a moment, I'll wave my finger and the music will stop."
- "I'll be back right after they sell you stuff."
- "Enough of this entertainment jazz; let's have some commercials."
- "Here are some commercials and then, more of me."
- "Garfield and Friends will be right back. At least I'll be."
- "The Buddy Bears are on the show today, folks, so keep that channel changer handy."
- "Just think of me as like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Pussycat."
- "This show is the only possible reason for getting up this early."
- "Thank you. You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the cartoon show."
- "I'm sick of those singers. Can we get some, like, Elvis impersonators for next week?"
- "Welcome to my world. Did you bring food?"
- "Hey, I'll return the favor. When you get your own cartoon show, I'll watch."
- "Serving cartoon watchers the world over since 1988."
- "This show is the most fun you can have without marinara sauce."
- "When they invented television, this is pretty much what they had in mind."
- "The following is made possible by a grant from the lasagna manufacturers of America."
- "I haven't had so much fun since Nermal fell in the mud."
- "If you like this show, tell a friend. If you don't like it, my name is Heathcliff."
- "Where else can you get this much comedy for your viewing dollar?"
- "If this show were any more entertaining, we'd be on Pay-Per-View."
- "If you can find a better show on television, watch it!"
- "Today's show is dedicated to loyal and courageous pizza delivery persons everywhere."
- "The only cartoon show that comes with a double-your-money-back guarantee."
- "And for my next trick, I will make the rest of the show magically appear!"
- "Reproductions of the accounts and descriptions of this cartoon show is prohibited."
- "We're environmentally sound; all of today's jokes are recycled from last week's show."
- "If you could only watch one TV show this year, this is the one to watch."
- "And make sure you stick around after the show for the big cast party."
- "And don't let your dog watch this show. It's too good for him."
- "Hey, you could watch some other show, but why would you want to?"
- "Today's show is brought to you in color, unless the artists ran out of crayons."
- "You'll like today's show, folks. No Binky, no Nermal, no Buddy Bears - just a lot of me."
- "Today's show is inspected for your safety by number 29."
- "And don't bother checking what's on NBC. They've stopped airing cartoons."
- "Everything else you watch on TV this week will just be anticlimatic."
- "If a tree falls while our sound effects man is at lunch, does it make a sound?"
- "Penelope's back today, folks. Some women just can't get enough of me."
- "Critics agree - of all the TV shows on today, this is probably one of them."
- "Think of a number between 1 and 10. The number you're thinking of is 7."
- "And keep watching, or we'll have to change into a shopping network and sell bad jewelry."
- "Today is Hit-a-Duck-in-the-Face-With-a-Lemon-Meringue-Pie Day! We'll explain later."
- "I was gonna do something spontaneous here, but I've been too busy to plan it."
- "The cartoon show to watch when you won't settle for just any cartoon show."
- "The funniest show on TV that doesn't have a 1-800 number to buy cheap junk."
- "Today, featuring the return of the Singing Ants! Boy, they have a good agent."
- "Penelope is singing today, folks, so don't leave any expensive glassware near the TV."
- "Today, a Saturday morning investigative report - where did all those Smurfs go?"
- "This show is the answer. Unfortunately, no one's figured out the question yet."
- "Today, a look into our writer's joke file! That's right, we examine both jokes."
- "The longest-running show on this network except for the news which is unfortunately funnier."
- "Today, an encore performance of our report 'Are There Too Many Reruns of Cartoon Shows'?"
- "After seven seasons, we've pretty much said everything you can say in this spot."
- "It doesn't start until the fat cat burps."
- "Enjoy This Episode Of Garfeild And Freinds."
The Garfield Opera
To the tune of Dance of the HoursGarfield: So a new day's slowly dawning.
Please forgive this cat for yawning.
I see that it's half past seven.
I think I'll go back to bed until eleven.
But the puppy (Odie) makes me cautious,
And our houseguest (Nermal) makes me nauseus.
I would sleep but I'm unable.
Might as well see if my breakfast's on the table.
Where's my meal? I am starving.
Start the cooking! Start the carving!
I eat breakfast as a habit.
(referring to a lettuce) This is quite a lovely meal for a rabbit.
Make an omelette. Make a waffle,
Though your cooking's really awful.
Make me pancakes. Make me bacon.
If you think that I will eat this you're mistaken.
Jon:You're too fat! I can't keep quiet,
You're too fat, It's time to diet,
I insist.
You will not have a feast
Until you lose ten pounds at least!
No more food!
Forgive me if I'm sounding rude,
But you have got to lose some weight!
You get no more to eat,
Until, you look and see your feet!
Garfield: Hiya Odie! Whatcha doing?
How's that bone that you are chewing?
There's a rumbling in my tummy,
And that bone if yours is looking pretty yummy.
Nermal: I am Nermal. I'm a cutie!
I'm the peak of feline beauty!
Folks adore me, if they've met me!
They will line up for miles just to pet me!
Garfield: Sorry, Nermal. Not this morning.
You have had your final warning.
I have taken up a hobby:
Mailing kittens all the way to Abu Dhabi.
Un Momento! Who's that person?
Why, it's Mrs Ann Mcpherson!
She's the chairman, undefeated,
Of a group that makes sure pets are not mistreated.
Ann Mcpherson: You poor cat, I heard you squeal!
You poor cat, you need a meal!
It appears
Your master doesn't give
You all the things to need to live!
(to Jon)Feed this pet!
You know that it's a real threat.
If you don't, I will call the cops,
And they will send some cars
Of men to put you behind bars
Jon: Eat!
Have a bowl of shredded wheat!
Add some sugar make it sweet,
For a treat,
It's so neat
When you have fruit or berries!
Eat!
Dieting is obsolete!
Have another piece of meat!
Can't be beat,
Though you cannot see your feet!
There is nothing in this world,
Like eating everything that's edible!
Have some ice-cream lightly swirled,
It's really quite incredible!
Eat each pie, and roll, and tart,
And do not count a calorie!
Eating is the finest art,
You should be in some gallery!
Chew! Chew! Chew!
Yes, you,you,you.
Stuff yourself until your little tummy aches.
Eat! Eat! Eat!
Each sandwich that your
Weary kitchen master makes.
And cakes!
And steaks!
And Quakes!
And lakes of shakes!
Land sakes! (Garfield has grown into a giant)
Mmmmunch!
Have another glass of punch!
Eat bananas by the bunch!
I've a hunch,
That you're planning something good for dinner.
Munch!
Hear that meal going crunch!
Think your chair is gonna scrunch!
What a brunch!
This should hold you until lunch.
You love to dine on each kind
Of food you can find!
You put it all away although
As you will know it all winds up behind!
Do not let your fork stop!
Have another pork chop!
Truckin' Odie
Garfield:It was on a dark and stormy day,
And the pussycat was snoring.
And since no-one was around to play
The little puppy went exploring.
Odie didn't listen to our warning
That it wasn't safe to roam,
So he left the house on a rainy morning,
And he wandered far from home.
Down the avenue the puppy stumbled,
To the warehouse part of town,
And about that time the storm clouds rumbled,
And the rain came pouring down.
Now as we all know this dog is dense
And is not known for his brain,
But he had at least the common sense
To seek shelter from the rain.
Now the truck in which he chose to nap
Was the rig of Billy Bob,
An honest and hard-working chap
Who was desperate for a job.
'Til the day that rich guy came around,
And said, to Billy's glee,
"If you get this load there safe and sound,
You can come work for me."
It was quite a break for a guy who was broke,
So he loaded up the freight,
And by the time that the dog awoke,
They were on the interstate.
When he found he had a dog aboard,
Billy Bob was shocked, and said
"To take you back, I can't afford,
We will have to press ahead."
Chorus:
Keep on rolling,Keep on rolling,
Rolling down the road.
Keep on rolling,Keep on rolling,
With your heavy load.
Keep on trucking,Keep on trucking,
That's what truckers do.
Got to keep on trucking,
Got to get on through.
Garfield:
Old Trucker Bruce was a local blight,
He was known from here to Fargo,
For running trucks off the road at night
To relieve them of their cargo.
When he saw Billy's passing rig,
He said with an evil smirk,
"That trucker's hauling something big,
Guess it's time I went to work."
So he got his truck out on the double,
T'was the biggest he could find.
And Billy knew he was in real big trouble
When he saw old Bruce behind.
Billy shook and moaned and shivered,
And he told the puppy why.
"We'll never get this load delivered
If I can't outrun this guy!"
The tire rubber almost burned,
As they zoomed on down the trail.
But no matter which why Billy turned,
He could see Bruce on his tail.
Billy Bob was hurrying,
But it was a hopeless cause.
And Odie sat there worrying
With his face buried in his paws.
He realised with great dismay
It was more than likely that
He never more would romp and play
With his friend Garfield Cat.
If you're wondering what became of me,
I was nowhere near the road.
I can't rescue Odie.
I'm not in this episode.
Keep on snoring, keep on snoring.
Back home safe and sound.
Keep on snoring, keep on snoring.
Most fun I have found.
Keep on sleeping, keep on sleeping.
Peaceful here alone.
Got to keep on sleeping.
(with chorus)Odie's on his own.
Garfield:
Now, Odie tried to leave his seat,
When a spill he chanced to take,
And he tumbled down by Billy's feet
And fell onto the brake.
The truck came to a sudden stop,
Right there on the interstate.
And Bruce found himself on top
Of an accident of first rate.
But Bruce he had both skill and luck,
And he swerved up on that ridge.
And he didn't run into Billy's truck,
But he did drive off the bridge.
He hit the lake with a mighty splash,
And it looked like there he'd stay.
So Billy Bob, like a lightning flash,
Hit the gas and sped away.
They didn't see old Bruce climb out
Of his truck all wringing wet.
They didn't hear his angry shout,
"I'll catch up with you yet!"
An hour later, Billy stopped
To get something quick to eat.
And Odie napped, while Billy shopped,
'Til a stranger took his seat.
That truck bad Bruce was gonna nab,
But his plan had just one flaw.
For Billy'd seen him by the cab,
And he notified the law.
The sheriff slapped the cuffs on Bruce,
Been hunting him all year.
But then they saw the truck was loose,
'Cause he'd left the thing in gear.
Chorus:
Stop the rolling,Stop the rolling,
Please don't let it roll.
Stop the rolling,Stop the rolling,
Truck's out of control.
Stop the trucking,Stop the trucking,
Or he won't survive.
Got to stop the trucking,
Odie cannot drive.
Garfield:
The puppy dog was filled with fear,
His horn went "BEEP BEEP BEEP".
He tried in vain the truck to steer,
It hit things in a heap.
Just when it seemed to be a loss,
The sheriff lent a hand.
And Billy Bob, he swung across
And quickly took command.
The puppy covered up his eyes,
They rolled into a shop.
And they both had a big surprise
When the truck came to a stop.
This building was, they quickly found,
The company's address.
They'd brought the cargo safe and sound,
With approximate success.
The job was Billy Bob's to claim,
As promised by the man.
Who had them paint his product's name
On the side of Billy's van.
Next morning on another run,
The pup came home for real.
But when he told me what he'd done
I said, "Big fat hairy deal."
It made no difference to this cat,
But I was thunderstruck,
When I saw the sign that revealed that
It was a lasagna truck.
There are heroes of most every kind,
But the ones this cat adores,
Are the heroes who should be enshrined,
Who bring pasta to our stores.
Garfield and Chorus:
Keep on rolling,Keep on rolling,
Rolling down the road.
Keep on rolling,Keep on rolling,
With your heavy load.
Keep on trucking,Keep on trucking,
That's what truckers do.
Got to keep on trucking,
Got to get on through.
Garfield's Ode to Odie
- Garfield: [Rapping style]
I decided late one Sunday
I would sleep till half past Monday.
Suddenly, I felt a tap,
Which awoke me from my nap.
I awoke and found before me
Someone who was sure to bore me.
"Please leave me to sleep," I chirped.
That was when the creature slurped!
Just then, the surprise was sprung:
Seven yards of doggie tongue.
Doggie tongues'll always trick ya;
Look so harmless 'til they lick ya.
He let out a loving howl;
I went out to get a towel.
When a dog's enthusiastic,
What you want to do is drastic.
All my fur was wringing wet.
Should've had it washed and set.
"Let me sleep!" I'd often told him.
Looked like I would have to scold him.
I was in for a surprise
When I looked into his eyes;
Pleading, as they were, for mercy
Left me with a controversy.
Then I got a wondrous notion
How to sleep without commotion.
So he'd leave this cat alone,
I dug out his favorite bone.
Figured if I couldn't cure him,
Next best thing would be to lure him.
When he came back, he would find
I had locked the door behind.
Now at least his dripping yap
Wouldn't interrupt my nap.
In my world, there's no excusing
When you interrupt my snoozing.
So while I was busy snoring,
My friend Odie went exploring.
Usually, he doesn't roam
Quite this far away from home,
But he wandered to an alley
Where the tough dogs often dally.
You would be a little nuts
To go near these mangy mutts.
Odie never comprehends.
He decided to make friends.
When they saw this shy intruder,
They could scarcely have been ruder.
Odie's thoughts are always sunny.
What, he wondered, was so funny?
"This," one said, "is not a dog.
Maybe this is someone's frog!"
"It's no frog," the other said.
"It's a rat that ain't been fed!"
"Nah," the biggest one exclaimed.
"I know what this runt is named.
Not a frog and not a rat;
This is just a teensy gnat!"
And he grabbed poor Odie's bone
And he claimed it for his own.
Odie, you must understand,
Always wants to lend a hand.
Anytime or anywhere,
Odie would be glad to share.
But you have to do it right.
Taking things is not polite.
Odie wanted it returned.
His request was promptly spurned.
Odie wound up wet and soggin'
With a frog upon his noggin.
He made sure the frog was thrown back.
Now he'd go to get his bone back.
But before our friend returned,
One of them seemed most concerned.
She said she was not amused
At the way he'd been abused.
"Butch," she said, "you're very tough!
Did you have to be so rough?"
Just then, Odie reappeared.
The bulldog gave a laugh and sneered.
Picked up Odie very crass;
Threw him for a forward pass.
Now the other dog agreed
That was not a funny deed,
And she told the bulldog he
Really should let Odie be.
Butch said that he wasn't done.
Pounding Odie's too much fun.
That was when he looked and found
That his ladies weren't around.
They decided they would flee with
Someone much more nice to be with.
They led Odie to a world
Where he'd not be kicked or hurled.
Butch was left there all alone
With no friends, just Odie's bone.
So they marched the little waif
To the home where he'd be safe.
Odie had made lifelong pals
With a couple doggie gals.
Someone had not figured fully;
People never love a bully.
So our tale is adjourned
With this lesson to be learned:
Helpless folk you shouldn't flog;
People love an underdog.
The end, and that's a wrap.