And Now For Something Completely Different Quotations

And Now For Something Completely Different was the very first motion picture done by British comedy troupe Monty Python released in 1971. It had some skits from season two already written, but yet to be performed live for the BBC. And Now For Something Completely Different was followed by four more films the Pythons did as a group:

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Life of Brian (1979)
Monty Python Live At The Hollywood Bowl (1982)
The Meaning of Life (1983)

How Not To Be Seen

[first lines]

Caption: Government Film No. 42: How Not to Be Seen

[picture of forest]

Announcer: In this picture, there are 47 people; none of them can be seen. In this film, we hope to show you the value

of not being seen. Here is Mr. Bagthorpe of London, SE14. He cannot be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bagthorpe, will you stand up please?

[Bagthorpe stands up, gets shot, and dies]

Announcer: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

[at a camp ground]

Announcer: Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Hull, had shown us a clever way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we had discovered that they had gone on two weeks holiday; however, a neighbor told us where they were.

[the tent explodes]

[we see Palin as a Gumby]

Announcer: And here is the neighbor who told us where they were.

[the Gumby blows up in a cloud of red dust]

[house in the desert]

Announcer: And here is where he lived.

[the house explodes]

[stock footage of hospital]

Announcer: And here is where he was born.

[the hospital is destroyed and the announcer laughs uncontrollably, but finally stops]

Announcer: And now for something completely different.

[explosion]

The Interval

Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize that the film wasn't as long as we had anticipated. Therefore, there will be a short interval. In the meantime, we'll show you a film starring a man with a tape recorder up his nose.

Emcee: And now a film starring a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose!

Other Man: And now in stereo.

Emcee: That is the end of the interval. Will you kindly return to your seats? We will now proceed with the film as advertised.

Offscreen Man: Darling, you were wonderful!

Emcee: Oh, really?

Hungarian Phrase Book

Hungarian immigrant: "I will not buy this record; it is scratched."

Tobaconist: What?

Hungarian: "I will not buy this record; it is scratched."

Tobaconist: No, this is a tobacconists. Tobacconists!

Hungarian: Ja! Ja! "I will not buy this tobacconists; it is scratched."

Tobaconist: No, no. Tobacco, uh, cigarettes.

Hungarian: Cigarettes! Ja! Um, "My hovercraft is full of eels."

Tobaconist: What?

Hungarian: "My hovercraft is full of eels." [does swishing with his fingers]

Tobaconist: Matches!

Hungarian: Ja! Ja! "Do you...want..."

Tobaconist: Do you want?

Hungarian: "Do you-- do you want...do you want to come back to my place? Bouncy, bouncy!"

Tobaconist: That'll be six shillings, please.

Hungarian: "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected."

Tobaconist: May I? [looking through book] "It costs six shillings"..."costs six shillings"...ah, here it is.

[speaks Hungarian and the immigrant hits him in the face]

Tobaconist: HELP! HELP!

[An officer hears his cries and steals a bike from another person and rides to the tobaconist]

Officer: What's all this, then?

Hungarian: Uh, "You have beautiful thighs."

Officer: What?!

Tobaconist: He hit me!

Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir Arthur, I cannot wait 'till lunchtime!

Officer: RIGHT!

Hungarian: [while being taken away] "Oh, my nipples explode with delight!"

[in a a court room]

Man: The Hungarian gentleman was subsequentially released, but it was his information that led to the capture of the real culprit!

Marriage Guidance Counselor

Announcer: Meanwhile, not far away, Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Pewtey were about to enter an unfamiliar office!

[Arthur and Dierdre enter the office and take seats. Pewtey then knocks loudly on the Counselor's desk]

Pewtey: Oh. Are you the Marriage Guidance Counselor?

Counselor: Yes. Good morning.

Pewtey: Morning.

[Counselor turns around to notice Dierdre]

Counselor: And, good morning to you, Madam. [turns to Pewtey] Uh, name?

Pewtey: Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Pewtey.

Counselor: And what is the name of your... ravishing wife? Wait. Don't tell me. It's - it's something to do with moonlight. It's soft and gentle, warm and yielding ... deeply lyrical and yet ... tender and frightened like a tiny, white rabbit.

Pewtey: It's Dierdre.

Counselor: [stands up, slowly walking to Dierdre] Dierdre.

Pewtey: Hmm.

Counselor: What a beautiful name. What a beautiful ... beautiful name. [turns to Pewtey] And what seems to be the problem with your marriage, Mr. Pewtey?

[The Counselor begins making out with Dierdre as Pewtey speaks]

Pewtey: Well, it all started when we first went to Brighton on holiday together. Dierdre (that's my wife) and I have always been very close companions, and I never particularly anticipated any marital strife. Indeed, the very idea of consulting such a professional marital advisor as yourself has always been of the greatest repugnance to me. Although, (chuckles) far be it from me to impugn the nature of your trade, or ... or profession.

[Counselor turns to Pewtey]

Counselor: Do go on. [He and Dierdre continue making out]

Pewtey: Oh, and as I was saying, Dierdre and I have always been very close companions, sharing the interests: the gardening, and the holiday money, and, indeed, twice the month of an evening, uh, settling down to do the accounts together - something which Dierdre (that's my wife) - and I particularly look forward to on account of her feet. I should have perhaps said at the outset that I've been noted for havin' a grand sense of humor, although, uh, I've kept myself very much to myself over the past couple of years, notwithstanding. And it's only been comparatively as recently - that is recently - that I've begun to realize - well, perhaps "realize" is too strong a word - um, um, imagine that I was not the only thing in her life.

Counselor: [turns to Pewtey, surprised] You suspected your wife?

Pewtey: Uh, well, um ... frankly yes. A bit. [Dierdre and the Counselor exchange waves, Dierdre winks] Her behavior did seem to me, her behavior did seem to me, who was, after all, there to see, to be a little odd.

Counselor: Odd?

Pewtey: Well, to a certain extent, yes. Now, I'm not, by nature, a suspicious person. Far from it. In fact, I've gotten something of a reputation for being an after-dinner speaker, if you get my meaning. And, indeed, in the area where people know me, I'm, in fact, very well known.

Counselor: [nods] Fine. Would you, uh--

Pewtey: Yes, certainly. So I decided it was time to face the facts: stop beating about the bush, or I'd never be able to look myself in the bathroom mirror again.

Counselor: Would you mind, um, running along for 10 - make it 20 minutes. All right?

Pewtey: Yes. I'll wait outside, shall I? Huh. Yes, that's - that's, perhaps the best thing. Certainly set my mind at rest on one - or two scores there.

[As Pewtey leaves the room, sentimental music plays, interrupted by a loud thunderclap]

God: Arthur Pewtey? Are you a man, or a mouse. You've been running to long, Arthur Pewtey. It's time to stop - time to turn and fight like a man. Go back in there, Arthur Pewtey. Go back in there, and point your finger out.

Pewtey: Yes. Yes, you're right! THIS IS IT, ARTHUR PEWTEY! THIS IS YOUR MOMENT, ARTHUR PEWTEY! AT LAST, YOU'RE A MAN! [marches back into the office, militant music plays, stops, then knocks loudly on the coverer] COME ON OUT, DIERDRE! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!

Counselor: Go away!

Pewtey: Righto.

[Counselor and Diedre begin to giggle, Pewtey sadly leaves the room, then a 16-ton object falls on him]

Nudge, Nudge

Arthur Nudge: Evenin', squire.

Squire: Evening.

Arthur Nudge: You married?

Squire: Yes.

Arthur Nudge: I'm a bachelor meself. Is your wife a goer? Eh?

Self Defense

Instructor: Evenin', class!

Students: Evening.

Instructor: Where's all the others, then.

Students: Not here.

Instructor: I CAN SEE THAT! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH'EM?!

Students: Dunno.

Student # 1: Perhaps they've got flu.

Instructor: Flu?! FLU?! They should eat more fresh fruit! RIGHT! Tonight, I'll be startin' where we left off when I showed you how to defend yourself from anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit!!!

Instructor: First, I force him to drop the banana, then I eat the banana, thus disarmin'him. I have now rendered him helpless!

Student # 2: Suppose he's got a bunch?

Instructor: SHUT UP!!

Student #4: Suppose he's got a point-ed stick?

Instructor: SHUT UP!!

The Chant

Sergeant:
Squad - camp it up!

Squad:
Ooh get her, whoops
I've got your number, ducky you couldnt afford me dear
Two, three
I'll scratch your eyes out
Don't come the brigadier bit with us dear
We all know where you've been, you military fairy
Two, three
One, two, three, four, five, six
Woops, don't look now, girls
The major's just minced in with that dolly colour sergeant
Two, three,
Ooh.

The Rampage of the Cancerous Black Spot

Story Teller: Once upon a time, there was an enchanted prince, who ruled the land beyond the wobbles. One day, he discovered a spot on his face. Foolishly, he ignored it...and three years later, he died of cancer. The spot, however, flourished, and soon set out to seek its fortune.

Unseen Old Woman # 1: Agnes, did you see who just moved in next door?

Agnes: Yes, black as the Ace of Spades, they were.

Old Woman # 1: Oh, well, there goes the neighborhood.

[the buildings break and a broom sweeps the pieces up and goes past a door of Sir George Head, O.B.E.]

Come Over to My Place

Man: Officer, I put my coat down on a bench and my wallet's been stolen.

Police Officer: Well did you see anyone about?

Man: No.

Officer: Well, I'm afraid there's very little I can do.

[pause]

Man: Would you like to come over to my place?

Officer: Yeah, OK.

American Defense/Crelm Toothpaste/Shrill Petrol

Uncle Sam: [narrating] And so Miss Spume went back to her typing and dreamed her dreamy dreams, unaware of the cruel trick fate had in store for her. For Miss Spume was about to fall victim to the International Communist conspiracy. These Chineses, under the leader of the so-called Mao Zedong, attacked Miss Spume for one brief, but fatal, moment and destroyed her. Just when they are ready to attack, anywhere free men waver in their defense of democracy.

[an American ship appears]

Uncle Sam: Yes, once again, American defense proves its power against international communism.

[picture of tooth in gum]

Uncle Sam: Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country, we can see how international communism starts by rotting from within.

[the tooth appears dirty and plaque-filled and breaks; picture of mouth]

Uncle Sam: When one country, or tooth, falls to international communism [one tooth turns yellow and falls out of the mouth], its neighbors soon follow.

[all of the teeth fall]

Uncle Sam: In dentistry, this is known as the Domino Theory. But, American defense stops the decay before it starts. That's why 9 out of 10 small countries choose American defense!

Announcer: Or Crelm Toothpaste with the miracle ingredient Fraudulyn!

It's the Arts

Announcer: Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of IT'S THE ARTS. And we kick off this evening with the cinema.

Interviewer: One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed of any age, is Sir Edward Ross, back in his native country for the first time for five years to open a season of his works at the National Film Theatre, and we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in this studio tonight.

Sir Edward: Good evening.

Interviewer: So Edward... you don't mind if I call you Edward?

Sir Edward: No not all.

Interviewer: Because it does worry some people - I don't know why - but they are a little sensitive so I take the precaution of asking on these occasions.

Sir Edward: No, that's fine.

Interviewer: So Edward's all right. Splendid. I'm sorry to have brought it up.

Sir Edward: No, no, please. Edward it is.

Interviewer: Well thank you very much for being so helpful. And it's more than my job's worth to, er...

Sir Edward: Yes, quite.

Interviewer: Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport - put the other person at his ease...

Sir Edward: Quite.

Interviewer: Silly little point but it does seem to matter. Still, er, least said the better. Ted, when you first started you... I hope you don't mind if I call you Ted, er, I mean as opposed to Edward?

Sir Edward: No, no, everyone calls me Ted.

Interviewer: Well of course it's shorter, isn't it.

Sir Edward: Yes it is.

Interviewer: And much less formal!

Sir Edward: Yes, Ted, Edward or anything!

Interviewer: Thank you. Um, incidentally, do call me Tom. I don't want you bothering with this 'Thomas' nonsense! Ha ha ha ha! Now where were we? Ah yes. Eddie Baby, when you first started in the...

Sir Edward: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called Eddie Baby.

Interviewer: What?

Sir Edward: I don't like being called Eddie Baby.

Interviewer: (pause) Did I call you Eddie Baby?

Sir Edward: Yes, you did! Now if you could get on with the interview...

Interviewer: I don't think I did call you Eddie Baby.

Sir Edward: You did.

Interviewer: Did I call him Eddie Baby?

Crowd: Yes!

Interviewer: I didn't really call you Eddie Baby, did I, sweetie?

Sir Edward: Don't call me sweetie!

Interviewer: Can I call you sugar plum?

Sir Edward: No.

Interviewer: Pussycat?

Sir Edward: No!

Interviewer: Angel drawers?

Sir Edward: No you may not! Get on with it!

Interviewer: Can I call you Frank?

Sir Edward: [suspiciously] Why Frank?

Interviewer: It's a nice name. Richard Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank.

Sir Edward: What is going on!?

Interviewer: Now Frank -- Fran -- Frannie -- little Frannie-pooh...

Sir Edward: That's it I'm leaving! I've had enough of this. (exits)

Interviewer: [loudly] Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.

Sir Edward: [nearly offstage] What?

Interviewer: Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so very kind.

Sir Edward: None of this "Pussycat" nonsense?

Interviewer: Promise. (Pats seat next to him.) Please, Sir Edward.

Sir Edward: My latest film?

Interviewer: Yes, Sir Edward.

Sir Edward: Well the idea, funnily enough, is based on an idea I had when I first joined the industry in 1919. Of course, in those days I was only the tea boy and...

Interviewer: Oh shut up!

The Funniest Joke in the World

The Joke: Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beierhund das oder die Flippervaldt gesputt!

Voiceover: This man is Ernest Scribbler, manufactorer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world and, as a result, he will die laughing. [Scribbler cackles to death] It was obvious the joke was lethal. No one could read it and live. [Scribbler's mother enters the room and finds the joke] Scribbler's mother, alarmed by the unusual sounds of merriment, entered the room, and found what was, apparently, a suicide note. [Scribbler's mother cackles to death as well and lands on her son's corpse]

Voiceover: It was a fantastic success. Over eighty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke, [cutstock footage of Neville Chamberlain returning from Munich and holding up the Munich Agreement, the "this is peace in our time"-bit], which was used in Munich, and one which Hitler couldn't match.

[stock footage of Hitler speaking to soldiers]

Hitler: [subtitle] My dog's got no nose!

Soldiers: [subtitle] How does it smell?

Hitler: [subtitle] Awful!

The Killer Cars

Animated Man: [referring to the previous sketch] I would like to apologize for the rather bad taste of the previous item.

[a nude girl appears, she is small in size]

Man: Uh, excuse me, please.

[he chases the woman, then, "The Old Woman Who Cannot Catch a Bus", and finally, the Killer Cars!]

Dead Parrot

Customer: Hello I wish to register a complaint. Hello Miss?

Shop Assistant: What do you mean Miss?

Customer: Oh, I'm sorry I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

Shop Assistant: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.

Customer: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Shop Assistant: Oh yes the Norwegian Blue - what's wrong with it?

Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it my lad, it's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

Shop Assistant: No, no it's resting, look.

Customer: Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

Shop Assistant: No, no it's not dead it's resting...

Customer: Resting?!

Shop Assistant: Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage innit?

Customer: The plumage don't enter into it, it's stone dead.

Shop Assistant: No no it's resting.

Customer: Alright then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. "Halloo Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up Polly parrot!

Shop Assistant: (Knocks the cage) There it moved!

Customer: No it didn't! That was you pushing the cage!

Shop Assistant: I did not!

Customer: Yes you did! Halloo Polly! Wakey wakey! (bangs it on counter) Rise and Shine! (bangs it on counter) This is your nine o'clock alarm call (throws it on the floor) now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Shop Assistant: No no it's stunned.

Customer: Stunned?

Shop Assistant: Yeah! You stunned him just as he was waking up. Norwegian Blues stun easily.

Customer: Look my lad I've had just about enough of this, that parrot is definitely deceased, and when I bought it not half an hour ago you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.

Shop Assistant: It's probably pining for the fjords.

Customer: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that, look why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

Shop Assistant: The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back, beautiful plumage.

Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.

Shop Assistant: Well of course it was nailed there otherwise it would of muscled up to those bars and "voom"!

Customer: Look matey, this parrot wouldn't "voom" if I put 4,000 volts through it, its bleedin' demised.

Shop Assistant: It's not, it's pining.

Customer: It's not pining it's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This, is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushin' up the daisies! It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! "THIS IS AN EX PARROT!"

Shop Assistant: Guess I'd better replace it then (walks into store cupboard)

Customer: If you wanna get anything done in this country you gotta complain 'till you're blue in the mouth.

Shop Assistant: Sorry squire, I've had a look, we're right out of parrots.

Customer: I see, I get the picture.

Shop Assistant: I've got a slug.

Customer: Does it talk?

Shop Assistant: Not really.

Customer: Then it's scarcely a replacement then.

Shop Assistant: Look mate, I didn't wanna work in a pet shop. I wanted to be a lumberjack.

Customer: I'm sorry, this is irrelevant.

The Lumberjack Song

Shopkeeper: Yess, a lumberjack. leaping from tree to tree as I float down the shores of British Columbia. The larch, the giant redwood!

Customer: [off screen] What about my bloody parrot?

Shopkeeper: the smell of fresh-cut timber, the crash of mighty trees, with my best girl by my side, we'd sing, sing, sing [singing] I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
I sleep all night and I work all day.

Chorus:
He's a lumberjack and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavat'ry.
On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea

Mounties:
He cut down trees, he eat his lunch
He go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he go shopping and has buttered scones for tea.

Chorus:
He's a lumberjack and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I skip and jump
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.

Mounties:
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars?!

Chorus:
He's a lumberjack and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I wear high heels
Suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!

Mounties:
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels?!
Suspenders...and a bra?!

Vocational Guidance Counselor

Man # 1: [singing] Vocational Guidance Counselor...

Man # 2: [singing] Vocational Guidance Counselor...

Man # 3: [singing] Vocational Guidance Counselor...

Cast

Graham Chapman: Brother, Police Officer, Official # 1, Man at Sidewalk, Student # 1, Colonel, Officer # 2, Sir Edward Ross, Singer, Restaurant Guest, Man Who Writes Complaint, Twit # 5
John Cleese: "And now for something..." announcer, Hungarian Man # 1, Instructor, Military Trainee, Sir George Head, Officer # 3, Flasher Woman # 2, Colonel # 3, Voice of animated apologizing man, Mr. Praline, Singer, Mungo the Cook, Office Worker # 2, Vocational Guidance Councelor, Twit # 1, Parrot owner.
Eric Idle: Official # 2, Marriage Guidance Counselor, Arthur Nudge, Student # 4, Narrator, Military Trainee, Flasher Woman # 1, Emcee # 2, Colonel # 2, Voice of Old Man Reader, Singer, Manager, Shop Owner, Office Worker # 1, Mrs. Davies, Twit # 2.
Terry Jones: Emcee, Tobacconist, Judge, Hungarian # 2, Man at Bar, Student # 2, Grannie, Biker Man, Military Trainee, Flasher, Ken Ewing, Milkman, Soldier, Singer, Gaston the waiter, Nude Organist, Brian, Nigel "Incubator" Jones
Michael Palin: Man With Tape Recorder Up His Nose, Arthur Pewtey, Student # 3, Grannie, Military Trainee, "My Place" Man, voice of Shrill Petrol Man, Seduced Milkman, Ernest Scribbler, Soldier, Pet Shop Owner, Lumberjack, Head Waiter, Herbert Anchovy, Twit # 3
Carol Cleveland: Dierdre Pewtey, Gilliam's voice, Story Teller, Flasher Woman # 3, Chapman's Wife in Restaurant, Brian's Wife
Terry Gilliam: Man with Woman's voice
Connie Booth: The lumberjack's best girl.