Alan Statham
Encyclopedia
Alan Statham is a fictional character in the British
sitcom Green Wing
, played by Mark Heap
.
radiologist at East Hampton Hospital.
While unpopular with his coworkers, he is one of the most important people in the hospital, being the head of the Radiology department, attending official meetings with the hospital's top-brass. One of the other members of staff that attends these meetings is his love interest, human resources
director Joanna Clore
. Alan is totally obsessed with her, and will do anything to win her over. Their relationship has had many ups and downs, but they have always come back together in the end. The main problem with the affair is that although they try to keep it as secret as possible, everyone knows about it.
Junior doctor Boyce
serves as Alan's chief nemesis. He is one of Alan's many pupils studying at the hospital, but Boyce seems to spend most of his time trying out new ways to make fun of Alan; from making gay
jokes to using his relationship with Joanna as a weapon, and even buying him for 30p in a charity slave auction. Alan's name badge has also been vandalised on at least two occasions: Some of the letters in the word "Consultant" were crossed out so it read "Cunt".
Alan has gone through a lot during his time at the hospital. During one low, when Joanna had fallen for Lyndon, the head of IT
at the hospital, he turned to Christianity
for comfort, but left it after Lyndon made it clear that he had no interest in Joanna. In the second series, his relationship with Joanna was still not going well, and he was willing to do anything to seek sexual gratification. During a brief period, he was happy at winning a caption competition on the Consultant Radiologists International website, an organisation which Alan claims to be an "Esteemed member". Joanna became sick of his cheerfulness, so she tried to scare him using her dwarf
cousin, but Alan was so shocked that he beat him to death with a stuffed heron
. He also writes down everything he does, says and is told. He has been suffering panic attacks ever since, but heard from Boyce that they were treating the death as suicide. However, just as he and Joanna start celebrating, the police arrives. Boyce however helps them escape, and they steal a camper van, unaware that Joanna's son, Dr. Martin Dear
is with them. Alan ends up driving the camper van (almost) over the edge of the same cliff where Martin was in a similar accident before. However, Martin called the AA
on his mobile and were rescued.
Alan and Joanna go on the run to hide from the police and have to resort to stealing food, but accidentally kill three more people during their escape: Joanna reverses the camper van into a mechanic, Alan sits on a shopkeepers face and suffocates
her, and Joanna rubs peanut butter
into the face of an arresting policeman with a nut allergy. Whilst Alan tries to fix the van so it runs on alcohol
, the van explodes. Alan and Joanna then decide that as they don't wish to hand themselves in or (as their alternative plan states) move to Spain
(because Alan dislikes the Spanish
), so they kill themselves by walking naked into the sea, although you don't see them drown. An alternate ending on the DVD
release of the Special shows Alan and Joanna clinging to a buoy.
, playing the sopranino recorder
and is keen on botany
. During the time Mac was in his coma, Alan played table tennis against him. However, when Caroline entered, he claimed a "Small ping pong man" was playing him and he tried to chase after him.
He is keen on politics, and once stood as an independent candidate in an election (policies included "Raising the age for a surgical consultancy to 48", "Banning all motorcycles", and "Using Mac's scrotum as a purse", which had turned out to be just a quip from Mac.), but he was not elected. He hates The Simpsons
, BBC Radio 1
, menstruation
, tilting trains, botrytis
(a plant disease), the metric system
and crazy paving
. He also claims to be a member of Mensa
, although his IQ is only 139 and acceptance to MENSA requires 140. He can also do several bird impressions, and can sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep" in Latin
. Alan also has the habit of correcting other people's grammar
.
When Joanna starts to fancy Lyndon, Alan tries various ways to stop him. However, he fails. At one point, Alan thought that Joanna was pregnant with his child. When Joanna both tells him that not only is she not pregnant but is also dumping Alan, he is driven almost mad. He even ends up stealing a milk float and throwing the contents at passing women.
Alan converts to Christianity
. When Joanna is dumped by Lyndon, however, they soon get back together. Later, they drift apart, and Joanna once again tries to see if she can get Lyndon to go out with her, but fails. Alan tried to get his own back by unleashing a box of flies in her office, but Joanna listened to the tape attached to the box before she actually opened the box, leading her to discover that the box was filled with flies, and so she had the box of flies released into Alan's office.
During a period when Alan is unusually happy, Joanna tried to make him upset again by getting her cousin, a dwarf
, to paint himself green, hide behind Alan's desk, jump out, and scare him. However, Alan was so scared he beat him to death with a stuffed heron. Although the incident has got them into a heap of trouble, it has also brought them together. Joanna even had sex with him, while she hid in a cupboard and drilled a hole in it. When it looks like they might be discovered, Alan and Joanna go on the run and steal a camper van, unaware that Joanna's son Martin was in it as well. Season 2 ended with Alan, Joanna and Martin in the camper van, the van itself teetering dangerously over a cliff. In the special Alan and Joanna had managed to get off the cliff top in the van, having dumped Martin. The two went on the run from the police together, and managed to kill several other people in the process. In the end, they ran out of petrol, and Alan managed to blow up the van. The two were last seen holding hands, and strolling into the sea together.
Boyce often makes homosexual advances towards him, and even managed to project a 30 foot holographic image of Alan having anal sex with another man. Another similar incident occurred when Boyce bought Alan in a charity auction for 30p. He also sends him a helium motorised balloon labelled "HOMO".
As the series goes on, Boyce appears to become friendlier with Alan. He tries to help Alan during his attempt to enter politics, he invites him to a party to celebrate his promotion, and he even helps Alan escape from the police. Boyce realises that he misses Alan when the man filling in is meaner than Alan. Alan later rings Boyce from a phone box and sings a verse from Lionel Ritchie's "Hello", which causes both of them to become visibly emotional. This is the last time we see Boyce and Alan. In the scene he tells Boyce that the "Parrot and the Parakeet are flying West by moonlight", seemingly alluding to his upcoming suicide.
Their main argument arose when Alan had bought a new car, and was outraged by the fact that Mac has a parking space right near the entrance that he never uses because he rides a motorbike. Alan tried to do everything possible to get the space but failed. After confronting Mac about it, he makes Mac and Boyce agree to give Alan a much better parking space. The car ends up in Alan's office, a joke made quite remarkable by the fact that no walls seem to be demolished, or the car dismantled. He even went into an operation which Mac was performing. Alan pulled out the patient's gall bladder and ate it, but regurgitated it back up some moments later.
In one deleted scene, Alan took his revenge on Sue by urinating in her office, claiming that he was, "Doing what you have been doing to me metaphorically all these years". Alan was then met by a shocked Sue, and a group of Japanese delegates. They mistake him as a mental patient, to which Alan then dries his penis on Sue's leg. After looking very shocked for a while, Sue dismisses the delegates.
His rivalry with Lyndon, although unfounded as Lyndon does not like Joanna, has led him to take several courses of action, including a tug-of-war in the staff canteen (which Alan lost, ostensibly for not having the right shoes).
During his time as a Christian, Alan was attracted to the hospital chaplain Cordelia Denby, but she showed no interest in him.
The women in the human resources department are aware of Alan and Joanna's affair, and often exploit it, most notably Kim Alabaster and Naughty Rachel.
It is also known that Angela and Guy have their own problems with him.
50 Greatest Comedy Characters, but failed to make the top fifty. In a poll on the British Sitcom Guide, Alan came sixth in a poll of the ten best sitcom villains.
United Kingdom
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern IrelandIn the United Kingdom and Dependencies, other languages have been officially recognised as legitimate autochthonous languages under the European Charter for Regional or Minority Languages...
sitcom Green Wing
Green Wing
Green Wing is a British sitcom set in the fictional East Hampton Hospital. It was created by the same team behind the sketch show Smack the Pony, led by Victoria Pile, and stars Tamsin Greig, Stephen Mangan and Julian Rhind-Tutt....
, played by Mark Heap
Mark Heap
Mark Heap is an English actor. He began his acting career in the 1980s as a member of the Medieval Players, a touring company performing medieval and early modern theatre, and featuring stilt-walking, juggling and puppetry...
.
History
Alan is the consultantConsultant (medicine)
In the United Kingdom, Republic of Ireland, and parts of the Commonwealth, consultant is the title of a senior doctor who has completed all of his or her specialist training and been placed on the specialist register in their chosen specialty...
radiologist at East Hampton Hospital.
While unpopular with his coworkers, he is one of the most important people in the hospital, being the head of the Radiology department, attending official meetings with the hospital's top-brass. One of the other members of staff that attends these meetings is his love interest, human resources
Human resources
Human resources is a term used to describe the individuals who make up the workforce of an organization, although it is also applied in labor economics to, for example, business sectors or even whole nations...
director Joanna Clore
Joanna Clore
Joanna Clore is a character in the British sitcom Green Wing, played by Pippa Haywood.- History :Joanna Clore is the director of human resources at East Hampton Hospital. She is 48 years old, has had two unsuccessful marriages, has two sons who both work at the hospital Dr. Guy Secretan and Dr....
. Alan is totally obsessed with her, and will do anything to win her over. Their relationship has had many ups and downs, but they have always come back together in the end. The main problem with the affair is that although they try to keep it as secret as possible, everyone knows about it.
Junior doctor Boyce
Boyce (Green Wing)
Boyce is a character in the British sitcom Green Wing, played by Oliver Chris.- History :Boyce is a medical student at East Hampton Hospital. He is currently being trained as a doctor by the more senior members, including Dr...
serves as Alan's chief nemesis. He is one of Alan's many pupils studying at the hospital, but Boyce seems to spend most of his time trying out new ways to make fun of Alan; from making gay
Gay
Gay is a word that refers to a homosexual person, especially a homosexual male. For homosexual women the specific term is "lesbian"....
jokes to using his relationship with Joanna as a weapon, and even buying him for 30p in a charity slave auction. Alan's name badge has also been vandalised on at least two occasions: Some of the letters in the word "Consultant" were crossed out so it read "Cunt".
Alan has gone through a lot during his time at the hospital. During one low, when Joanna had fallen for Lyndon, the head of IT
Information technology
Information technology is the acquisition, processing, storage and dissemination of vocal, pictorial, textual and numerical information by a microelectronics-based combination of computing and telecommunications...
at the hospital, he turned to Christianity
Christianity
Christianity is a monotheistic religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus as presented in canonical gospels and other New Testament writings...
for comfort, but left it after Lyndon made it clear that he had no interest in Joanna. In the second series, his relationship with Joanna was still not going well, and he was willing to do anything to seek sexual gratification. During a brief period, he was happy at winning a caption competition on the Consultant Radiologists International website, an organisation which Alan claims to be an "Esteemed member". Joanna became sick of his cheerfulness, so she tried to scare him using her dwarf
Dwarfism
Dwarfism is short stature resulting from a medical condition. It is sometimes defined as an adult height of less than 4 feet 10 inches , although this definition is problematic because short stature in itself is not a disorder....
cousin, but Alan was so shocked that he beat him to death with a stuffed heron
Heron
The herons are long-legged freshwater and coastal birds in the family Ardeidae. There are 64 recognised species in this family. Some are called "egrets" or "bitterns" instead of "heron"....
. He also writes down everything he does, says and is told. He has been suffering panic attacks ever since, but heard from Boyce that they were treating the death as suicide. However, just as he and Joanna start celebrating, the police arrives. Boyce however helps them escape, and they steal a camper van, unaware that Joanna's son, Dr. Martin Dear
Martin Dear
Martin Dear is a character in the British sitcom Green Wing, played by Karl Theobald.- History :Martin is a house officer at East Hampton Hospital. His mother is human resources director Joanna Clore and his half-brother is Dr. Guy Secretan....
is with them. Alan ends up driving the camper van (almost) over the edge of the same cliff where Martin was in a similar accident before. However, Martin called the AA
Automobile Association
Automobile Association may refer to:*Australian Automobile Association in Australia.*Automobile Association of South Africa*Canadian Automobile Association in Canada.*Dominion Automobile Association in Canada....
on his mobile and were rescued.
Alan and Joanna go on the run to hide from the police and have to resort to stealing food, but accidentally kill three more people during their escape: Joanna reverses the camper van into a mechanic, Alan sits on a shopkeepers face and suffocates
Asphyxia
Asphyxia or asphyxiation is a condition of severely deficient supply of oxygen to the body that arises from being unable to breathe normally. An example of asphyxia is choking. Asphyxia causes generalized hypoxia, which primarily affects the tissues and organs...
her, and Joanna rubs peanut butter
Peanut butter
Peanut butter is a food paste made primarily from ground dry roasted peanuts, popular in North America, Netherlands, United Kingdom, and parts of Asia, particularly the Philippines and Indonesia. It is mainly used as a sandwich spread, sometimes in combination as in the peanut butter and jelly...
into the face of an arresting policeman with a nut allergy. Whilst Alan tries to fix the van so it runs on alcohol
Alcohol
In chemistry, an alcohol is an organic compound in which the hydroxy functional group is bound to a carbon atom. In particular, this carbon center should be saturated, having single bonds to three other atoms....
, the van explodes. Alan and Joanna then decide that as they don't wish to hand themselves in or (as their alternative plan states) move to Spain
Spain
Spain , officially the Kingdom of Spain languages]] under the European Charter for Regional or Minority Languages. In each of these, Spain's official name is as follows:;;;;;;), is a country and member state of the European Union located in southwestern Europe on the Iberian Peninsula...
(because Alan dislikes the Spanish
Spanish people
The Spanish are citizens of the Kingdom of Spain. Within Spain, there are also a number of vigorous nationalisms and regionalisms, reflecting the country's complex history....
), so they kill themselves by walking naked into the sea, although you don't see them drown. An alternate ending on the DVD
DVD
A DVD is an optical disc storage media format, invented and developed by Philips, Sony, Toshiba, and Panasonic in 1995. DVDs offer higher storage capacity than Compact Discs while having the same dimensions....
release of the Special shows Alan and Joanna clinging to a buoy.
Personality
Outside life at the hospital, he likes going to restaurants with Joanna, playing table tennisTable tennis
Table tennis, also known as ping-pong, is a sport in which two or four players hit a lightweight, hollow ball back and forth using table tennis rackets. The game takes place on a hard table divided by a net...
, playing the sopranino recorder
Recorder
The recorder is a woodwind musical instrument of the family known as fipple flutes or internal duct flutes—whistle-like instruments which include the tin whistle. The recorder is end-blown and the mouth of the instrument is constricted by a wooden plug, known as a block or fipple...
and is keen on botany
Botany
Botany, plant science, or plant biology is a branch of biology that involves the scientific study of plant life. Traditionally, botany also included the study of fungi, algae and viruses...
. During the time Mac was in his coma, Alan played table tennis against him. However, when Caroline entered, he claimed a "Small ping pong man" was playing him and he tried to chase after him.
He is keen on politics, and once stood as an independent candidate in an election (policies included "Raising the age for a surgical consultancy to 48", "Banning all motorcycles", and "Using Mac's scrotum as a purse", which had turned out to be just a quip from Mac.), but he was not elected. He hates The Simpsons
The Simpsons
The Simpsons is an American animated sitcom created by Matt Groening for the Fox Broadcasting Company. The series is a satirical parody of a middle class American lifestyle epitomized by its family of the same name, which consists of Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie...
, BBC Radio 1
BBC Radio 1
BBC Radio 1 is a British national radio station operated by the British Broadcasting Corporation which also broadcasts internationally, specialising in current popular music and chart hits throughout the day. Radio 1 provides alternative genres after 7:00pm including electronic dance, hip hop, rock...
, menstruation
Menstruation
Menstruation is the shedding of the uterine lining . It occurs on a regular basis in sexually reproductive-age females of certain mammal species. This article focuses on human menstruation.-Overview:...
, tilting trains, botrytis
Botrytis
Botrytis may refer to:*Botrytis, the anamorphs of fungi of the genus Botryotinia**Botrytis cinerea, a mold important in wine making*Botrytis, the cauliflower cultivar group of Brassica oleracea...
(a plant disease), the metric system
Metric system
The metric system is an international decimalised system of measurement. France was first to adopt a metric system, in 1799, and a metric system is now the official system of measurement, used in almost every country in the world...
and crazy paving
Crazy paving
Crazy paving is a means of hard-surfacing used outdoors, most frequently in gardens. Paving stones of irregular size and shape are laid in a haphazard manner sometimes with mortar filling the gaps between...
. He also claims to be a member of Mensa
Mensa International
Mensa is the largest and oldest high-IQ society in the world. It is a non-profit organization open to people who score at the 98th percentile or higher on a standardised, supervised IQ or other approved intelligence test...
, although his IQ is only 139 and acceptance to MENSA requires 140. He can also do several bird impressions, and can sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep" in Latin
Latin
Latin is an Italic language originally spoken in Latium and Ancient Rome. It, along with most European languages, is a descendant of the ancient Proto-Indo-European language. Although it is considered a dead language, a number of scholars and members of the Christian clergy speak it fluently, and...
. Alan also has the habit of correcting other people's grammar
Grammar
In linguistics, grammar is the set of structural rules that govern the composition of clauses, phrases, and words in any given natural language. The term refers also to the study of such rules, and this field includes morphology, syntax, and phonology, often complemented by phonetics, semantics,...
.
Joanna
For much of the series, Alan and Joanna are in some sort of "secret" relationship, and for an equally long time, everyone in the hospital has known about it. This has not stopped them from continuing their relationship as if it were secret. They often dine out, play games and Alan even has names for certain parts of Joanna's body. He calls her breasts "Mimi" and "Charlotte", and also calls Joanna's vagina "The growler".When Joanna starts to fancy Lyndon, Alan tries various ways to stop him. However, he fails. At one point, Alan thought that Joanna was pregnant with his child. When Joanna both tells him that not only is she not pregnant but is also dumping Alan, he is driven almost mad. He even ends up stealing a milk float and throwing the contents at passing women.
Alan converts to Christianity
Christianity
Christianity is a monotheistic religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus as presented in canonical gospels and other New Testament writings...
. When Joanna is dumped by Lyndon, however, they soon get back together. Later, they drift apart, and Joanna once again tries to see if she can get Lyndon to go out with her, but fails. Alan tried to get his own back by unleashing a box of flies in her office, but Joanna listened to the tape attached to the box before she actually opened the box, leading her to discover that the box was filled with flies, and so she had the box of flies released into Alan's office.
During a period when Alan is unusually happy, Joanna tried to make him upset again by getting her cousin, a dwarf
Dwarfism
Dwarfism is short stature resulting from a medical condition. It is sometimes defined as an adult height of less than 4 feet 10 inches , although this definition is problematic because short stature in itself is not a disorder....
, to paint himself green, hide behind Alan's desk, jump out, and scare him. However, Alan was so scared he beat him to death with a stuffed heron. Although the incident has got them into a heap of trouble, it has also brought them together. Joanna even had sex with him, while she hid in a cupboard and drilled a hole in it. When it looks like they might be discovered, Alan and Joanna go on the run and steal a camper van, unaware that Joanna's son Martin was in it as well. Season 2 ended with Alan, Joanna and Martin in the camper van, the van itself teetering dangerously over a cliff. In the special Alan and Joanna had managed to get off the cliff top in the van, having dumped Martin. The two went on the run from the police together, and managed to kill several other people in the process. In the end, they ran out of petrol, and Alan managed to blow up the van. The two were last seen holding hands, and strolling into the sea together.
Boyce
Of all the people that agitate Alan, Boyce comes top of the list. All of Boyce's time is devoted to forming new ways to make Alan look stupid. Boyce often refers to his affair with Joanna, which often leads Alan to stammer, becoming confused, and often cancelling the lesson.Boyce often makes homosexual advances towards him, and even managed to project a 30 foot holographic image of Alan having anal sex with another man. Another similar incident occurred when Boyce bought Alan in a charity auction for 30p. He also sends him a helium motorised balloon labelled "HOMO".
As the series goes on, Boyce appears to become friendlier with Alan. He tries to help Alan during his attempt to enter politics, he invites him to a party to celebrate his promotion, and he even helps Alan escape from the police. Boyce realises that he misses Alan when the man filling in is meaner than Alan. Alan later rings Boyce from a phone box and sings a verse from Lionel Ritchie's "Hello", which causes both of them to become visibly emotional. This is the last time we see Boyce and Alan. In the scene he tells Boyce that the "Parrot and the Parakeet are flying West by moonlight", seemingly alluding to his upcoming suicide.
Mac
Alan does not get on well with Mac. Like many of the doctors, Mac often attacks his pomposity and superiority. They often attack each other's hairstyles, Alan mocking Mac's rather feminine haircut, and Mac making remarks about Alan's moustache.Their main argument arose when Alan had bought a new car, and was outraged by the fact that Mac has a parking space right near the entrance that he never uses because he rides a motorbike. Alan tried to do everything possible to get the space but failed. After confronting Mac about it, he makes Mac and Boyce agree to give Alan a much better parking space. The car ends up in Alan's office, a joke made quite remarkable by the fact that no walls seem to be demolished, or the car dismantled. He even went into an operation which Mac was performing. Alan pulled out the patient's gall bladder and ate it, but regurgitated it back up some moments later.
Sue
Alan often visits Sue, mostly to complain about his badge being vandalised or to report some other form of abuse. Their relationship was not helped when Alan insulted Sue for her view of God that comforted her when her mother died, saying that it was wrong and if she had read the Bible her mother probably wouldn't have died. Sue normally responds by ignoring his request and making him leave. Sue once set fire to her desk to make Alan leave, and accidentally set Alan's arm alight. Alan ended up running through the hospital setting fire to things as he went, and extinguishing his arm by diving into an occupied birthing pool.In one deleted scene, Alan took his revenge on Sue by urinating in her office, claiming that he was, "Doing what you have been doing to me metaphorically all these years". Alan was then met by a shocked Sue, and a group of Japanese delegates. They mistake him as a mental patient, to which Alan then dries his penis on Sue's leg. After looking very shocked for a while, Sue dismisses the delegates.
Other relationships
Alan is known not to be liked by most of the people in the hospital. He once tried to trick Joanna that he was having sex with Dr. Caroline Todd, unaware that Caroline was in Joanna's office and heard everything over the speakerphone.His rivalry with Lyndon, although unfounded as Lyndon does not like Joanna, has led him to take several courses of action, including a tug-of-war in the staff canteen (which Alan lost, ostensibly for not having the right shoes).
During his time as a Christian, Alan was attracted to the hospital chaplain Cordelia Denby, but she showed no interest in him.
The women in the human resources department are aware of Alan and Joanna's affair, and often exploit it, most notably Kim Alabaster and Naughty Rachel.
It is also known that Angela and Guy have their own problems with him.
Other
The character of Dr. Alan Statham was on a list of nominations for Channel 4'sChannel 4
Channel 4 is a British public-service television broadcaster which began working on 2 November 1982. Although largely commercially self-funded, it is ultimately publicly owned; originally a subsidiary of the Independent Broadcasting Authority , the station is now owned and operated by the Channel...
50 Greatest Comedy Characters, but failed to make the top fifty. In a poll on the British Sitcom Guide, Alan came sixth in a poll of the ten best sitcom villains.