Margaret Thatcher

[Margaret Thatcher is treating her Cabinet to a meal at a restaurant.]

Waitress: Would you like to order, sir?

Thatcher: Yes. I will have the steak.

Waitress: How would you like it?

Thatcher: Oh, raw, please.

Waitress: And what about the Vegetables?

Thatcher: Oh, they'll [The Cabinet] have the same as me!

Thatcher: Geoffrey, you're a complete imbecile. We can't have a quick war just to win votes! [Beat] Though, now that you mention it, look into it, will you?

Parkinson: Do we have any other business?

Thatcher: I bloody well hope not; we've sold it all off!

Thatcher: We have to get rid of Enoch. There is no room for racists in the Conservative Party - we're choc-a-bloc as it is!

Ronald Reagan

Reagan: [Having just passionately kissed Margaret Thatcher] Well, so long hunny-bun. What a fine-lookin' woman. Pity I'm only screwing her country!

Reagan: [In the White House bedroom, going back to sleep after being awake for 2 minutes] This is a great country, I wonder who runs it?

Dialogue

Thatcher: Oh dear. We're never going to win the next election now! We need some way of winning votes!

Howe: I suggest a quick war in early '87. That should get some votes.

Thatcher: Geoffrey, you're a complete imbecile. We can't have a quick war just to win votes! [Beat] Though, now that you mention it, look into it, will you?

Brittan: In the meantime, sir, how about the anniversary of a war?

Lawson: Yes! How about the twenty-fifth anniversary...

Hurd: Or Silver Jubilee.

Lawson:...or Silver Jubilee, of 1962!

Thatcher: But there wasn't a war in 1962, you doughball! [To man with his hand up] And you are...?

Kenneth Williams: Williams, Prime Minister, from the department of Kenneths. They sent me to replace Kenneth Clarke.

Thatcher: And what's your idea?

Williams: Gentlemen, it's obvious! The fiftieth anniversary of [speeds up] Hitler first thinking about invading Poland, thus leading to the start of World War II! [slows down again] Today.

Thatcher: You're fired! Get out of my sight!

Williams: Oh, Bitch! [Leaves]

Heseltine: This is an outrage! I'm leaving again! [Also leaves]

Thatcher: Right, I have it: The Sixtieth Anniversary of roughly halfway between both World Wars which we both won today. So Vote Conservative.

Cabinet: Oh, brilliant! Marvelous! etc.

Steel: David?

Owen: [Putting on lipstick] Yes, David?

Steel: Um, people are becoming worried.

Owen: [Donning a wig] About what?

Steel: Worried that your becoming, um, a closet Conservative.

Owen: A closet Conservative? [Now with Thatcher's voice] That's ridiculous.

Steel: Yes, that's what I thought. So you're still committed to the Alliance?

Owen: [Still with Thatcher's voice] I care passionately about the Alliance, David. I certainly don't intend to do a U-turn on that one.

Steel: Oh. Great. Um, glad we had this chat. [Leaves]

Owen: You wet wimp!

Brittan: Oh, good evening, Prime Minister. You look lovely today!

Unnamed characters: [chanting] Immigrants out! Immigrants out!

Bill Clinton: Immigrants out? So you want me to send all white Americans back to Europe on the Mayflower?

Unnamed characters: Yeah! [chanting] Send us back! Send us back!

Clinton: [face in palm] Who are these people...?

Adolf Hitler: [voiced with Yorkshire accent] 'Ey up, missis! I'm another one of those tasteful adverts for satellite dishes! 'Oo wants a free subscription, then?

Nazi officer: I do!

Crowd: [chanting] Me too! Me too! Me too! Me too!

SA: I'll 'ave one!

Nazi officer: Save one for me, Adolf!

Hitler: You bunch of Panzers!

Hitler: So get Sky! It'll be Reich up your street! Ooh, they've got that Pol Pot on next week! He'll sell a few more!