Cheers Quotations

Cheers was a long-running situation comedy produced by Charles-Burrows-Charles Productions in association with Paramount Television for NBC. The show was set in a Boston bar, where a colorful group of locals would come to sit, drink, state daft facts, complain, and play elaborate practical jokes on the devotees and owner of a rival bar in town. The show also spawned the character Frasier Crane, who went on to a TV show of his own, Frasier, after Cheers ended.
Tagline: Where everybody knows your name.

Give Me a Ring Sometime [1.1]

Diane: [repeating a message for Sam] "You're a magnificent pagan beast."

Sam: Thanks. What's the message?

Coach: Norm, you're in here every night, doesn't your wife ever wonder where you're at?

Norm: Wonders... doesn't care, but she wonders.

Sam's Women [1.2]

Sam: My life isn't fun anymore. It's because of you.

Diane: Because of me?

Sam: Yeah, you're a snob.

Diane: A snob!

Sam: Yeah, that's right.

Diane: Well, you're a rapidly aging adolescent.

Sam: Well I would rather be that than a snob.

Diane: Well I would rather be a snob.

Sam: Good because you are.

Sam: You know, I've never met an intelligent woman I'd want to date.

Diane: On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say, 'Whew!'

The Tortelli Tort [1.3]

Diane: Hi doctor.

Dr. Graham: Hi Diane. How are you?

Diane: In what sense?

Dr. Graham: Pardon me?

Diane: Oh you mean how are you, right. Not you know how are you. Well if that's what you meant, I'm fine.

Sam: How did you know that?

Diane: Well I picked it up in pre-law.

Sam: I thought you were an English major.

Diane: Well that was after art and before psychology.

Sam: Is there anything you weren't in college?

Carla: Blonde.

Diane: Check the yearbook, Carla.

Sam at Eleven [1.4]

Diane: I'm sorry I was late, Sam. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

Sam: Yeah, yeah but you wouldn't.

Coach: How's life treating you Norm?

Norm: Like I ran over its dog.

Coach's Daughter [1.5]

Lisa: Daddy, isn't it obvious to you?

Coach: Nothing is ever obvious to me.

Lisa: Look at me, Dad, I'm not--beautiful.

Coach: You look just like your mother.

Lisa: And Mom was not-- [Pause] comfortable with her beauty.

Coach: Your mother grew more beautiful every day of her life.

Any Friend of Diane's [1.6]

Diane: Rebecca, is there something wrong?

Rebecca Prout: [sobbing] Oh Diane, you could always see beyond my facade of gaiety!

Diane: You're offended because she thought you were a scum bag?

Sam: No. I actually like that.

Friends, Romans, Accountants [1.7]

Sam: Say didn't we used to have a weekly Elizabethan poet night?

Norm: It started getting too rowdy.

Cliff: I remember the night you were charged with practicing iambic pentameter without a license.

Diane: You know, Sam. If I am to serve both as a waitress and the butt of jokes I think I should make more money.

Carla: Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?

...

Sam: [to Diane] We all know that you'd starve to death before you made a living with your body.

Truce or Consequences [1.8]

Diane: What could happen?

Sam: Oh nothing, oh nothing. Two women left alone who hate each other in a room filled with glass and alcohol.

Diane: Name calling, the last refuge of the monosyllabic.

Carla: I don't know what that means but I heard slob in there.

Coach Returns to Action [1.9]

Coach: It's the damnedest thing. I've been shivering all the way over here.

Diane: Well, Coach, you don't have a coat on. It's 30 degrees outside.

Coach: Oh, thank god. I thought I had malaria.

Endless Slumper [1.10]

Coach: What's the story, Norm?

Norm: A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.

Diane: [talking about how Sam was able to make the beer slide around the corner of the bar] Okay, how do you do it?

Sam: Well it's just one of my two hidden talents. The other one is just as impressive.

Diane: But you can hardly charge a buck for it.

One for the Book [1.11]

Norm: [about the player piano] Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?

Carla: [about Diane] Because no one else will give her a job.

Buzz: What if I bought this guy a beer?

Norm: Buy me a pitcher and you can kiss me on the lips.

The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One [1.12]

Cliff: [to Eric] We swear not a word you say will ever go beyond this room.

Norm: We never go beyond this room.

Carla: [to Eric] You cannot believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Ya know, if you could fix TVs and crack walnuts on your forehead, you could be my ex-husband.

Now Pitching, Sam Malone [1.13]

Diane: Sam, let's talk.

Sam: There's nothing to talk about.

Diane: It's important. Come back to the office now.

Carla: Uh oh. Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers again.

Everyone in the bar: [chanting] Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers, Sam's in trouble with Miss Chambers....

Sam: Listen before you came to work at this bar I never thought that much about morality and integrity. You made me aware of all that stuff for the first time.

Diane: Thank you, Sam.

Sam: That's why I'm firing you. You can leave your apron right there on the counter.

Let Me Count the Ways [1.14]

Diane: Did you ever have a pet?

Coach: You mean like an animal?

Coach: What's going on, Norm?

Norm: Science is seeking a cure for thirst and I happen to be the guinea pig.

Father Knows Last [1.15]

Cliff: Carla made love to a PhD from MIT.

Coach: Hey look you guys, if you can't say it in front of me don't say it at all.

Norm: Congratulations! Unless you didn't want another kid.

Coach: Of course, she wanted the kid, Norm.

Carla: Sure I do. What penniless unmarried mother of four wouldn't.

The Boys in the Bar [1.16]

Sam: [about some gay customers] What do you think I should say to them?

Diane: Oh well, it's very very simple. Just walk up and say hello we're a group of sniveling bigots and we don't care for your kind.

Cliff: That's good.

Carla: [about gay men] I'm not exactly crazy about them. I mean I get enough competition from women. I'm tell you if guys keep coming out of the closet there isn't going to be anybody left to date and I'm going to have to start going out with girls. [looks at Diane] Ewww.

Diane: Carla, you don't have to worry about me. I like my dates a little more masculine than you. Not much but a little.

Diane's Perfect Date [1.17]

Coach: Beer, Norm?

Norm: That's that sudzy amber stuff, right? Been hearing good things about it.

Sam: Would you just admit that you're hung up on me, dammit?!!

Diane: I am not!

Sam: You are too!

Diane: I am not!

Sam: You are too!

Norm: Please, please, do you think I would behave this way in your home?

No Contest [1.18]

Coach: What can I do for you, Norm?

Norm: I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer. How about a first one?

Diane: I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda.

Sam: Come on, don't feel so bad. Most people would have done it for the dry cleaning.

Pick a Con... Any Con [1.19]

Sam: You're in a pretty good mood tonight.

Diane: Why not? Last night I was up till two in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.

Sam: I hope he thanked you for it.

Coach: Let me give the sign.

Sam: I don't know, isn't it kinda tricky?

George: Well, he is the last person Harry would suspect to be in on anything clever.

Someone Single, Someone Blue [1.20]

Coach: My friends call me 'Coach', but my other nickname is 'Red'.

Helen: Why? Because your hair used to be red?

Coach: No, because I read a book.

Coach: What'll it be Norm?

Norm: Fame, fortune, fast women.

Coach: How about a beer?

Norm: Even better.

Showdown - Part 1 [1.21]

Carla: Hey Sam, you want me to hang around until your date gets here.

Sam: No, you probably want to get on home.

Carla: Are you kiddin'? It's two a.m., my kids might be there.

Sam: Listen I think you and Derek will make a great match.

Diane: Really?

Sam: Yeah, you both think you're perfect and one of you is right.

Showdown - Part 2 [1.22]

Sam: You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met!

Diane: You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son-of-a—

Sam: Shut up! Shut your fat mouth!

Diane: Make me!

Sam: Make you?... My God I'm, I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office!

Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow... or should I say funnier?

Sam: You know... you know I always wanted to pop you one! Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?

Diane: You disgust me! I hate you!

Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?

Diane: More! [They kiss.]

Sam: Do I get to kiss the bride?

Diane: I think you know what you can kiss.

Power Play [2.1]

Cliff: The Hindus believe that what you come back as depends upon your behavior in this life. If you led a good life, you come back in an elevated state.

Coach: Like Colorado?

Cliff: No, Coach. Uh, more like a king or a prince. Conversely, if you've not led a good life, you come back in a more lowly condition.

Norm: [chuckling] Last time around, I must have made a real ass out of myself.

Diane: You've been with a lot of women.

Sam: No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many.

Diane: How many have there been?

Sam: Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun— [Diane gasps] Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys.

Little Sister Don't Cha [2.2]

Cliff: I have impossibly high standards for a woman.

Norm: She has to like you, right?

Cliff: If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.

Norm: If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.

Personal Business [2.3]

Sam: First of all nobody resigns from a bar and second of all nobody resigns in Latin.

Cliff: It's French, Sammy.

Coach: Would you like a beer, Norm?

Norm: I'd like to see something in a size 54 sudzy.

Homicidal Ham [2.4]

Diane: [about Andy Andy] We, mostly I, can save this man's life.

[Andy is strangling Diane, dressed as characters from "Othello".]

Diane: Help, this psycho is trying to kill me!

Coach: That's the only line from Shakespeare I ever understood!

Sumner's Return [2.5]

Coach:[about War and Peace] Forget it Sam, no one can read four ounces a day.

Diane: You didn't shave.

Sam: Oh no no. I needed a new place to scratch.

Affairs of the Heart [2.6]

Cliff: I'll go with you I know CPR.

Norm: I'll go, I'm a CPA.

Sam: [Calling Carla in a hotel room, worried Hank may die if he's allowed to have sex with her] What should I say?

Norm: Ask her to look next to her and count the dead people.

Old Flames [2.7]

Diane: Sam, if brains were money you'd have to take out a loan for a cup of coffee.

Sam: Coach, I'm having blackouts!

Coach: Kinda nice break in the day, isn't it, Sam?

Manager Coach [2.8]

Coach: What's the point of winning if you can't humiliate the other team?

Diane: Coach has lost his sweet disposition. he's turned into a tyrant.

Sam: Yeah, but he's winning Diane and winning is the most important thing here.

Diane: Well, I don't think winning is the most important thing here.

Sam: Well good then, you won't mind losing this argument.

Diane: Over my dead body.

Sam: Hey, don't bring last night into this.

They Called Me Mayday [2.9]

Sam: Coach, we don't want to be bothered.

Coach: Who does?

Sam: Somebody wants you at another table.

Diane: Who?

Sam: Everybody at this one.

How Do I Love Thee, Let Me Call You Back [2.10]

Cliff: [trying to scratch a bikini off a card] There's something wrong here. I can't get the bikini off my girl.

Norm: Story of your life, big guy.

Diane: [to Sam] When I and everyone else in the world say I love you, we are opening up the very core of our being. When you say it, you're just clearing your throat.

Just Three Friends [2.11]

Sam: I'll tell you something else I haven't had much experience: saying 'No' to women. The closest I've come is 'Not now, we're landing.'

Just Three Friends [2.12]

[Diane enters Cheers with a friend.]

Diane: This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend.

Carla: Meet her this morning?

Sam: I'll tell you something else I haven't had much experience saying no to women. The closest I've come is "Not now, we're landing."

Where There's a Will [2.13]

Sam: This isn't an IOU. It's a bunch of writing I don't understand. That's what this is.

Diane: Is it in a foreign tongue, Sam?

Sam: No, it's English.

Diane: In your case that qualifies.

Guy: You must have a high threshold for pain.

Coach: I don't know the meaning of the word.

Guy: Pretty tough guy there, huh?

Norm: No, no he doesn't know what threshold means.

Battle of the Exes [2.14]

Carla: I know everything about you, Malone.

Sam: Yeah, right.

Carla: Your favorite color is blue. Your favorite hobby is sailing. And your taste in women is not what it used to be.

Sam: Right across the board. You do know me.

Carla: A lot better than you know me.

Sam: Yeah?

Carla: Yeah.

Sam: Your favorite meal is Chicken McNuggets. Your favorite hobby is drawing underarm hair on all the models in Vogue magazine. And your favorite movie is Lady and the Tramp and you always cry when they come to the part about the spaghetti.

Carla: I didn't think anybody knew that.

Sam: I'll tell you something else I know about you that you didn't think I knew.

Carla: What?

Sam: You go to Mass every Sunday.

Carla: Who squealed on me?!

Diane: I thought you were seeing someone.

Carla: His fingerprints grew back. He had to leave the country.

No Help Wanted [2.15]

Diane: You know Cliff, if it's true that a little knowledge is dangerous, you are a walking time bomb.

Coach: How about a beer, Norm?

Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.

And Coachie Makes Three [2.16]

Coach: How about tellers? You take tellers. They never tell you anything. They always ask questions. And interest, there's nothing interesting about it at all. It's boring. Oh and then the trust department, they got all the pens chained down to the tables. What kind of trust is that?

Carla: When I'm in charge of the bar I know what God feels like.

Norm: How's that?

Carla: It's like I'm in complete control of people's destinies. Yeah, I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick. Or I can water them down so they're payin' for nothin'. Or if I don't like their attitude I can spit in it.

Cliff's Rocky Moment [2.17]

Sam: [on the phone] Can you tell me which is the more dominant flower: the Mountain Lilly or the Black-Eyed Susan?

Cliff: It doesn't seem fair, does it Norm?

Norm: What?

Cliff: Well that I should have so much knowledge when there are people in the world that have to go to bed stupid every night.

Fortune and Men's Weight [2.18]

Sam: It's a sad world we live in when Sam Malone becomes the voice of reason.

Coach: What's your most troublesome problem, Norm?

Norm: Well that's tough to say, Coach. Let's see I'm overweight, unemployed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much. My problem is I've never been happier.

Snow Job [2.19]

Coach: Beer, Normy?

Norm: Coach, I don't know. I'll have one next week... what the heck I'm young.

Coach: What's shaking, Norm?

Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.

Coach Buries a Grudge [2.20]

Diane: Coach, come on. You have to find a way to put this behind you. Angela and T-Bone are both in heaven now.

Norm: Let's hope he's not hitting on her up there.

Carla: I have a way with inanimate objects.

Cliff: Maybe you'd like to take a crack at Norm here.

Norman's Conquest [2.21]

Carla: Just so we can follow the fun, what's this fight about?

Diane: We're not fighting, Carla. We're merely discussing a little difference of opinion. Vodka rocks, two. I think Sam is a heartless mindless slack-jawed cretin and he disagrees.

Cliff: Sometimes I'm ashamed God made me a man.

Carla: I don't think God's doing a whole lot of bragging about it either.

I'll Be Seeing You - Part 1 [2.22]

Phillip: That's the face I've been looking for.

Diane: Sorry, I'm still using it. I could let you visit it on weekends.

Norm: I know what you mean, Sam. Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's really no fun lying to them anymore.

I'll Be Seeing You - Part 2 [2.23]

Diane: Oh my God Sam, I've made you a babbling idiot.

Sam: Who are you calling a babbling idiot?

Diane: You don't have to get upset. I'm actually criticizing myself.

Sam: You just called me a babbling idiot and you're criticizing yourself? Do me a favor let me criticize me for awhile. You're sickening.

Diane: Do you know the difference between you and a fat braying ass?

Sam: No.

Diane: The fat braying ass would.

Sam: Speaking of fat braying asses, you're about to get dumped on yours!

[Diane slaps Sam, he slaps her back]

Diane: How dare you slap me?

[Diane slaps Sam again, he slaps her back again]

Diane: Don't you ever hit me again!

Sam: Like hell.

[They carry on slapping each other]

Rebound - Part 1 [3.1]

Coach: What will it be, Normy?

Norm: A transfusion with a head on it.

Sam: I didn't start drinking when she left, I was celebrating. [to Diane] Celebrating the day I got rid of you. You hear that everybody?

Everyone: Celebrating.

Diane: Well let me tell you something, Sam. I have two birthdays now. One to mark the occasion when my mother bore me and one to commemorate my glorious rebirth when I walked out of here.

Sam: Just one more time: you did not walk out of here. I kicked you out and I would do it again except that no man deserves that much pleasure in one's life.

Rebound - Part 2 [3.2]

Diane: Oh Frasier, I think I'm going to come back to work here.

Frasier: What?! No no no no no no. Listen as Frasier Crane M.D. I don't think that's a good idea for the two of you. And as Frasier Crane Man I don't think it's a good idea for the three of us.

Sam: I could get out of prison after twelve years, serve on an all male ship for another four and be dropped on a desert island for another three eating nothing but raw oysters day after day and if one day Diane walked out of the surf naked, all I'd want from her is the hockey scores.

Diane: And you wouldn't even get that!

I Call Your Name [3.3]

Sam: Is there anything I can do?

Diane: No. This problem is strictly between myself and Frasier Crane. Suffice to say, he insists on making mountains out of molehills.

Carla: He wants you to wear a padded bra?

Carla: [Eddie's] got an extra ticket to the RV show for tonight, Coach. How's that sound?

Coach: Terrific

Carla: Well go ahead. I'll cover for ya.

Coach: Hot Dog!

Carla: Some luck, huh Eddie?

Eddie: Well I guess I'm not going to get a good night kiss.

Carla: You might if you're nice to him.

Fairy Tales Can Come True [3.4]

Diane: I haven't had such a good time since uh....

Sam: That's okay. I know when you stopped having a good time, Diane.

Diane: It goes without saying I would have had a better time if I had gone with Frasier.

Sam: Me too.

Coach: Boy Doc, you tell great stories.

Frasier: That was Poe.

Coach: Don't be modest, it was great.

Sam Turns the Other Cheek [3.5]

Carla: What a night. Two hundred bucks in tips.

Coach: What are you gonna do with all that money, Carla?

Carla: I am going to spend it all on my kids.

Coach: Good girl.

Carla: How many gunny sacks and one way tickets do you think it will buy?

Diane: It's nice to know you draw the line somewhere.

Sam: There are three types of women I don't get involved with: married, underaged and comatose.

Norm: [to Cliff] He's added one.

Coach in Love - Part 1 [3.6]

Carla: You know I don't ask for much in this life; fresh fish, ten cents off on laundry detergent, volcanic boils all over my ex-husband, and the Sox in the Series again before I die.

Sam: Coach, I'm gonna be blunt with you. Her friend's cute and all that, but she doesn't have what I'm lookin' for in a woman.

Diane: What's that? Break-away clothes?

Coach in Love - Part 2 [3.7]

Sam: You heard from Irene?

Coach: Well not for awhile but you're not supposed to see the bride before the ceremony anyway. Are you?

Sam: No, but you're supposed to know whether or not she's in the country at least.

Cliff: [about women] They're only good for one thing.

Carla: And for you, not even that.

Diane Meets Mom [3.8]

Hester Crane: [referring to Diane] I understand you used to date that woman.

Sam: That's right.

Hester: How much would it take to start things up again?

Sam: You don't have enough money.

Hester: How do you know?

Sam: There isn't enough money.

Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normy?

Norm: Going down?

An American Family [3.9]

Carla: Nick, what the hell do you want?

Nick: Hey, is that the kind of hello I deserve?

Carla: No, bend over and I'll give it to you.

Nick: I need a simple favor.

Carla: Unless it's setting your eyebrows on fire, forget it.

Diane's Allergy [3.10]

Sam: I just wonder if this whole so-called allergy thing might not be psychosomatic.

Diane: Sam, I'm very impressed. That's a complex psychological concept coming from a man who who has to write "L" and "R" on the bottom of his shoes.

Sam: Isn't it interesting that I automatically spring to mind?

Diane: No. You automatically spring to mind whenever I hear something stupid.

Peterson Crusoe [3.11]

Norm: Hey, hey, hey... stop laughing at my pal here, huh? This guy had the only dream more ridiculous than mine.

Cliff: Oh, yeah?

Norm: A lot more, I might add.

Cliff: Is that right, Marco Rollo?

Norm: Hey, I've gotta buy a drink for The Great Cliffini.

Cliff: Oh, next round is on me for Ferdinand Ma-jelly-belly!

Norm: Listen to The Flying Rear-end-a!

Cliff: Oh, is that right, Christopher Colum-butt?

Diane: [about Carla] She should be over this by now. It's been weeks. I've robbed her of her zest for life.

Sam: You do have that effect on people.

A Ditch in Time [3.12]

Diane: [about Amanda] Maybe I'm being an alarmist. She wouldn't be out if she still had problems.

Carla: You're out.

Diane: You can't give her some standard pre-arranged speech you have for dumping women.

Sam: I do not have a standard pre-arranged speech for dumping women. Come on, every situation is different. For example now the speech I dumped you with will be totally inappropriate.

Diane: I don't think you dumped me.

Sam: Well you see that was the beauty of it. Come on give me credit will you, for knowing I couldn't possibly have one speech for every situation.

Cliff: Yeah, he's got six.

Whodunit? [3.13]

Diane: Bennett Ludlow is a wonderful catch.

Carla: There's some things he doesn't know about me.

Diane: Well a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven't you told him?

Carla: Well I haven't been completely honest about my kids.

Diane: What haven't you told him about your kids?

Carla: That they live.

Sam: There are two mysteries going on here. First, Carla's been seeing this very classy guy. Second, your pal has been avoiding you two like the plague. Of course that's the lesser of the two mysteries.

Frasier: Sam, you're talking about one of the most distinguished and accomplished men of letters I know dating a common barmaid.

Sam: You're dating a barmaid.

Frasier: Well she wasn't a barmaid when I met her.

Sam: Oh that's right. She was a lunatic.

The Heart is a Lonely Snipe Hunter [3.14]

Carla: How come you're not going on that fishing trip, Coach?

Coach: I don't like the smell of them.

Carla: Yeah, fish stink.

Coach: No, the guys. Out in that sun all day, stuck in the muck. Who needs it?

[the gang took Frasier on a snipe hunt; he returns and wants them to go out again; Diane takes him into the office]

Diane: There's no such thing as a snipe hunt. They played a childish prank on you.

Frasier: I know that.

Diane: What?

Frasier: Good Lord, Diane. A man does not crouch in the woods for two hours without having a revelation or two.

Diane: So this is part of a plan and I unwittingly helped you.

Frasier: Yes.

Diane: Frasier, how devious. But, why didn't you tell me?

Frasier: Well, I couldn't trust you; you'd have thought it was too cruel.

Diane: Oh, are you kidding? I would've helped. Frasier, this is so unlike you.

Frasier: No, but it's what guys do, darling… we screw each other to the wall. Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you.

King of the Hill [3.15]

Diane: Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.

Carla: If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.

[The guys in the bar are ogling the Playboy models]

Diane: Oh, this is disgusting. What kind of culture do I live in where they are the ideal woman?

Coach: Well, gee, Diane. You've gotta admit: they are beautiful.

Diane: Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive haircuts and those bodies... and what have you got?

Carla: You.

Teacher's Pet [3.16]

Coach: [about Sam] I never realized what a brain he is. I study all the time — he sleeps in the classroom. He never takes a note and still he gets the great grades. No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.

Diane: Miss Purdy?

Coach: Yeah, our beautiful school-teacher.

Diane: And Sam is her favorite?

Coach: Well, uh, I can't say that; but, uh, Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.

Diane: They kiss?

Coach: Yeah. I saw them smoochin' in the parking lot. I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.

Diane: With probing tongues?

Coach: No, Diane. With a thumbtack and my thumb.

Diane: Oh, my God. The thing I feared most has happened.

Carla: Your Living Bra died of boredom?

The Mail Goes to Jail [3.17]

Cliff: As long as I'm carrying this bag there's one thing that will never touch these lips.

Carla: You mean there's something that wants to?

[To help a sick Cliff, Norm offers to deliver the rest of the mail on Cliff's route]

Cliff: Ah, Norm, you're not trained. You're not qualified.

Norm: What qualified? You drop ‘em in a slot. A chimp could do it.

Cliff: You're kiddin', no way. They did a study at the University of Michigan – chimps were 32% slower. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything...

Bar Bet [3.18]

[A "Jacqueline Bisset" is coming to Boston; Sam needs her to marry him to win the bet]

Sam: I guess I ought to wear something kinda nice – my best outfit. Say, Diane, when you dream about me what am I wearing?

Diane: An anthill.

Carla: Hey, wait. I got an idea.

Diane: You mean you actually conceived something besides a child.

Carla: Whoa... a bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.

Behind Every Great Man [3.19]

Norm: Yeah, Cliffy had himself the "Ton O' T-Bone". For less than four bucks you get 24 ounces of USDA Choice "bef".

Cliff: Bef? No, you mean beef.

Norm: Beef? Don't be ridiculous, Cliffy. That stuff is "bef". You see it's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic – what – meat-like substance.

Cliff: Ah, no.

Norm: What do you expect for four bucks? You see me complainin' about the "loobster"?

Diane: Sam is developing an interest in the Impressionists.

Frasier: Hmm.

Diane: Hmm, what?

Frasier: Hmm, this is suspicious. I think it's part of Sam's grand design to win you back.

Diane: Oh, not this again. It's starting to sound like a broken record.

Frasier: Oh, now you're saying that I'm redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over!

If Ever I Would Leave You [3.20]

Diane: Nick Tortelli, this is someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common, my paramour Dr. Frasier Crane.

Nick: Doctor of what. Can you get any pills?

Frasier: I'm a psychiatrist. Have we met? You wouldn't, by any chance, be the bogus missing link exhibited at the Amsterdam World's fair?

Nick: No, but you're not the first person to ask me.

Nick: [about Carla being pregnant] Hey you got a guy, Carla?

Carla: No, I swallowed a beach ball. For your information I am not seeing anybody. But the guy who knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you.

The Executive's Executioner [3.21]

Sam: What will you have, Norm?

Norm: Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.

Sam: It looks like beer, Norm.

Norm: Call me Mr. Lucky.

Norm: [Commenting on Sam and Diane's former relationship] Hey would you too mind if we move on to something a little more interesting than your star-crossed romance?

Carla: Come on, Norm. What could be more interesting than another gripping episode of "Young and the Chestless"?

Cheerio, Cheers [3.22]

Frasier: Sam, Diane and I are going to Europe.

Sam: Europe? Overseas?

Diane: Well we were going to go to the local one but it's all booked up.

Sam: Listen to me. I'm sincere about this, I like you two and I want to see you both happy.

Diane: Thank you, Sam.

Sam: After all just because the two of us didn't travel well-

Diane: When did we ever travel?

Sam: Are you kidding me? We went through hell together.

Diane: Well it helps that you knew the language.

The Bartender's Tale [3.23]

Sam: Cliff, you look terrible. Was today Sears catalogue day?

Cliff: And that's not all, Spiegel's catalogue came out the same day. Yeah, it's a phenomenon that happens once every 27 years when both marketing strategies are in the same equinox.

Diane: Oh, Frasier, a letter from Cheers. No, wait... it's a Lillian Huxley's resume and a note: "Ha, ha! You're out of here forever!" Always nice to hear from Carla.

The Belles of St. Clete's [3.24]

Cliff: There's a lovely young thing. Perhaps I should just go and make my move.

Carla: Yeah go ahead and faint.

Diane: I'm sorry, Sam. What was I saying?

Sam: You don't know either? We gotta have a rule around here-when you speak at least one of us has gotta be listening.

Rescue Me [3.25]

Cliff: I hate answering machines. I never know what to say to them.

Carla: Gee and you're such a whiz with people.

Sam: Well do you think I should go through with this?

Norm: I think that you and Diane are lovely special people, Sam. Alone. Separately. You know individual. Together frankly, you stink. To the casual observer you're running off to Italy would have to seem stupid beyond reason.

Sam: I'm goin'.

Norm: That's what I'd do.

Birth, Death, Love and Rice [4.1]

Sam: Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.

Woody: Hi ma'am.

Carla: Ma'am? What's what supposed to mean?

Woody: I believe it's a term of respect.

Carla: No wonder it sounded so weird.

Sam: What do you say, Norm?

Norm: Any cheap tawdry thing that will get me a beer.

Woody Goes Belly Up [4.2]

Frasier: Sam, I've come to a very important decision. I've just taken stock of myself.

Carla: It's not exactly AT&T, is it?

Frasier: I'm going to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. In order to do that I've got to hit rock bottom first.

Carla: For you, that's three flights up.

Sam: Carla, you want to see if anyone in the back has open wounds to salt.

[Woody is shy when a woman tries to pick him up]

Sam: Maybe she came on too strong. Some guys don't like that.

Cliff: Well, I know how the lad feels. In the, uh, mating ritual I like to be the aggressor. ‘Course, uh, I don't mind the woman giving me a clear signal that I caught her eye.

Carla: You mean like sticking a finger down her throat?

Someday My Prince Will Come [4.3]

Cliff: Well Carla, it is common knowledge I'm scientifically handy. As a matter of fact I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.

Carla: And you'd still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you how to open your cage.

Diane: For the first time in my life I let appearance taint my feelings towards a man.

Sam: Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself. Looks are all that ever mattered to you.

Diane: What are you talking about? That is utterly inaccurate.

Sam: Oh yeah. You want me to prove it to you?

Diane: Yes.

Sam: Who were you more crazy about that anyone else in your entire life? Not including yourself there. It was me. And there was only one reason you ever went out with me and that was because of my looks.

Diane: Not entirely.

Sam: Yes, entirely. Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me. Come on. Name one. You can't, can you?

Diane: [smiling] No Sam, I can't.

The Groom Wore Clearasil [4.4]

Anthony: Forget him, my father's a bum.

Carla: Hey don't you talk about your father that way.

Anthony: Okay he's a sleazy bum.

Carla: That's better.

Sam: Listen Anthony, I know you like Annie a lot.

Anthony: No, no, I love her.

Sam: Anthony, there's only two times a man uses that word; tennis and when he's already paid for the room, you know what I mean.

Diane's Nightmare [4.5]

Carla: Diane, I heard screams.

Diane: Oh I dreamt I was being murdered.

Carla: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Diane: No.

Carla: Was I helping in any way?

[after Andy leaves the bar, Diane follows Sam into the office]

Diane: Sam, I'm sorry. I feel awful. You were right. Please accept my apology.

Sam: Oh, forget it, Diane. I forgive you. "The quality of mercy is not strained; it droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: it blesseth him that gives and him that takes."

Diane: Thank you, Sam. What did you say?

Sam: I think you heard me.

Diane: Yes, but YOU said it.

Sam: [puts on his smoking jacket; Diane is astounded] Come on, Diane. You really didn't believe that buffoonish façade that I've been perpetrating for the benefit of my blue-collar clientele did you?

I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday [4.6]

Diane: I would like to see you in your office. I have something I want to give you.

Sam: How about a spanking? I think I deserve it.

Cliff: Come on Diane. She's your ma. She carried you for nine months.

Diane: Eight, I was premature.

Carla: Couldn't wait to get out and start yappin'.

2 Good 2 Be 4 Real [4.7]

Sam: Hey, look at this: a letter for Carla Tortelli.

Carla: What?

Sam: [withholds the letter, teasing her] Hmm, my goodness.

Carla: Let me see. Come on.

Sam: What's the magic word?

Carla: Gelding!

Sam: That's the one. [gives her the letter]

[Carla starts out the door with Vinnie]

Carla: So, um, you like kids, huh?

Vinnie: Like 'em? I love 'em! I got seven of my own.

[Carla shuts the door on Vinnie]

Sam, Diane, others: Carla!

Carla: It's okay, I'm only joking. [she goes out to Vinnie]

Carla: Hey, Vinnie, could you do me a favor? Just for tonight could you pretend that your name is Mitch and that you're an airline pilot?

Vinnie: Well, I guess... if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.

Carla: You're weird... I like that.

Love Thy Neighbor [4.8]

[Carla's cousin, Santo Carbone, the detective has been meeting with Norm and Phyllis]

Santo: Oh, look. You both seem like nice people, huh?. Do yourselves a favor – don't hire me.

Norm: Well, that's an interesting sales pitch you have there, but, uh, we, uh, we're quite serious about this.

Santo: You don't know what you're letting yourselves in for here. A lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of misery.

Carla: And that's just when you see the bill.

Santo: My cousin – she's a pistol.

Phyllis: Oh, Norm. Where did we go wrong?.

Norm: I don't know. I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out. I mean, day after day, night after night, I sit on that stool out there wondering: why did she lose interest in me?

From Beer to Eternity [4.9]

Sam: Bowling?

Carla: I've got this theory, Sam. You see all those other sports require real athletic ability but with bowling we got the makings of a great team.

Sam: Carla...

Carla: Listen. Listen. Any bowling alley what do you see? A bunch of out of shape, big couch potatoes who do nothin' but sit around and swill beer.

Norm: All right. We're number one.

[Cliff is showing off his new sunglasses]

Cliff: Italian imports – sixty-five smackeroonies. That's right, notice the, uh, sleek European styling there, the sturdy reinforced frames and the high tech shatterproof reflective lenses that allow me to scope out the dollies without, uh, drawing attention to myself.

Carla: You could walk up to ‘em naked with your hair on fire and not draw attention to yourself.

Cliff: How would you know? They only work on women.

Carla: They seem to have given you courage.

The Bar Stoolie [4.10]

Sam: Why don't you just admit that you're nuts about me and you can't stand seeing me going out with other women, so you tried to eliminate the competition?

Diane: Sam... your hormones have staged a "coup d'etat" on your brain.

Sam: Ah, no, no. Don't, don't try to distract me with hormone talk.

[Cliff's dad, on the run from the law, leaves secretly]

Norm: What do you supposed happened to him?

Cliff: It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window. I guess I'll, uh, just go home. (dejected, he starts to leave)

Carla: But, you're ruling out the other possibility.

Cliff: What other possibility?

Carla: Well, it's a little known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing. I mean just disappearing into thin air. It's an unexplained phenomenon.

Norm: It's kinda like, uh, the Bermuda Triangle.

Carla: That's right.

Cliff: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you.

Carla: Have it your way.

Cliff: Well, you know, however, uh, this much is true: you know, uh, it's been recent sightings of, uh, human beings being, uh, shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft. You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle... it's not technically a triangle.

Woody: It's not?

Cliff: Heck no! It's a "trapazedarhomboid". Perfect for, uh, attracting Martian spacecraft.

Don Juan Is Hell [4.11]

[Diane has decided to use Sam's sex life as the subject for her psychology paper]

Diane: At what age did you have your first sexual encounter?

Sam: Oh, alright, that's more like it. Okay, uh...[looks at her notes] "Trevor – A Case Study". Who, who's Trevor?

Diane: That's you.

Sam: You're not gonna use my name?

Diane: Of course not.

Sam: So... I do all the work and this "Trevor" guy gets the credit?

Diane: Sam this is not your resumé. In a psychological treatise real names are never used.

Sam: Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name. I mean, how ‘bout "Duke"?

Diane: This is my paper and I like Trevor.

Sam: Alright, alright. Well, where were we? You, uh, wanted to know about my first time, right?

Diane: Yes. How old were you?

Sam: Well, uh, boy, I'm not sure. Uh, I know I couldn't get to her house until the crossing guard showed up. Wow. First time is kind of hard to remember. What about your first time?

Diane: I'm the scientist, Sam. My first time has nothing to do with this. Now, what about your second encounter?

Sam: Well, that would be the crossing guard.

[Diane's class is visiting the bar to meet "Trevor"]

Sam: Let's open up this discussion a little bit. What's your name, son?

Barry: Barry.

Sam: Barry. Alright, Barry, why don't you tell me, uh, what you do when you meet, uh, a girl for the first time.

Barry: Well, I, I talk to her... and I let her know that I respect her as a human being. I ask her out without putting any pressure on her and then I let the relationship grow naturally.

Sam: [laughs] Well, we all have some pretty crazy ideas when we're young. Okay, uh, can anyone tell me where Barry went off the beam?

Fools and Their Money [4.12]

[Sam agrees to place Woody's bet with a bookie; Woody starts to untie his shoe]

Norm: Come on, man. Don't tell me you keep your money in your shoe.

Woody: Boy, you guys really do think I just fell off the turnip truck. [he pulls a white cloth out of his shoe] This is where I keep the map of where the money's buried in my back yard.

[Sam wants to tell Diane that he didn't place Woody's bet]

Sam: I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that, it felt so right – but now it, it turns out to be all wrong.

Diane: What's her name and how many months?

Take My Shirt... Please? [4.13]

[Diane enters]

Diane: Hello, everyone.

[Everyone mumbles halfhearted greetings]

Diane: Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in you all yell 'Norm!' and make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment every once in a while?

Sam: She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.

Diane: Yeah. Thanks.

[Diane reenters]

Diane: Hello, everyone.

Everyone: Norm!

Diane: [pauses] That's better.

Carla: [to an upset Diane] What is it this time, bleach bag?

Sam: Carla, I'm the employer here. I can handle this. What is it this time, bleach bag?

Suspicion [4.14]

[Sam comes out of his office; Diane notices a strong smell]

Diane: Good Lord, Sam. Have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours?

Sam: No. I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there. Another two dollars and fifty cents down the drain.

Diane: Ah, the big bottle.

[The gang discusses the stranger in the bar]]

Sam: Aw, come on, man. Just 'cause he looks like a spy and acts like a spy doesn't mean he is a spy, does it?

Norm: I think it pretty much does, Sam. You don't suppose this guy is with, like, the CIA or FBI or anything, do you?

Cliff: Ah, could be.

Sam: Alright, let's go over the four things we know about him: He's been here since we opened, he's not drinking, he's not waiting for a table upstairs... Actually, that's only three. Anybody else know anything?

Diane: You're an idiot!

Sam: That would be four, then.

The Triangle [4.15]

Sam: You're the only person I trust to listen to on this one.

Frasier: Okay Sam, I think I have some advice for you.

Sam: Oh good, what?

Frasier: Get yourself a qualified therapist to help you get over your depression and when you do give me his name.

Diane: Do this for me and I'll owe you a big big favor. That doesn't involve sex, sex, or sex.

Sam: How about sex?

Diane: Or sex.

Cliffie's Big Score [4.16]

Carla: [about going to the Postman's Ball with Diane, Cliff, and a blind date] This is going to be a laugh a minute. An evening with the Stick, the Nerd, and Door Number Three.

Diane: Look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me with only the slightest encouragement. You, Frasier...

Sam: Yourself.

Second Time Around [4.17]

Frasier:Everyone, I'd like you to meet my date, Dr. Lilith Sternin: MD, PhD, EDD, APA.

Woody: Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds.

Candi: What's your name?

Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.

Candi: I'm Candi.

Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".

Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.

Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.

The Peterson Principle [4.18]

Norm: Mr. Reinhardt. Hi, sir. What a coincidence that you caught me in here. I was just using the washroom.

Mr. Reinhardt: At ease, Peterson. We know you spend a lot of time here. This is where we send your checks.

Norm: It's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.

Dark Imaginings [4.19]

Diane: Does Sam's behavior give you pause? Methinks the man doth protest too much.

Woody: Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "I thinks"?

Carla: Not in your case, Woody.

Carla: Sam Malone never ages. It's one of life's great truths. Let me tell you something Sammy, when you're 87 you'll still be a hunk to me. Of course I'll be senile and blind.

Sam: And pregnant.

Carla: Yeah, probably.

Save the Last Dance for Me [4.20]

Nick: Hello sweetcakes. You been thinking about me?

Diane: Only during flea and tick season.

Nick: Well in my neighborhood, that's all year round.

Diane: I'm sure it is.

Carla: [on dancing with Nick] It was a magical moment. You know it was like I was transported back in time. I wasn't a tired old woman with six kids. I was a fresh young teenager with two kids.

Fear Is My Co-Pilot [4.21]

Diane: [about Jack Dalton] There's not much to say. He's a man I dated a bit in Europe.

Woody: Was that before or after you dumped Dr. Crane and sent him into an alcoholic tailspin.

Diane: After.

Frasier: How long after?

Diane: Days.

Woody: Mr. Dalton, you've had so many bizarre and terrifying experiences.

Jack: Some people say I have a death wish. Far from it, I have a life wish.

Cliff: So does Normy.

Norm: What?

Cliff: He wishes he had one.

Diane Chambers Day [4.22]

Diane: Dennis Kaufman is a brilliant puppeteer. He does a wonderful Punch & Judy.

Carla: He better have a wonderful punch, if he's going to dress like Judy.

Relief Bartender [4.23]

[Business isn't doing well at Cheers now that Sam is the host]

Sam: I'll think of something.

Cliff: Skimpy outfits on the waitresses, Sammy.

Sam: That's not bad.

Carla: Wait a minute. I don't want people having a look at something I'm ashamed of.

Sam: You've got a lovely body.

Carla: [pointing at Diane] I was talking about hers.

Sam: I'll think of something.

Diane: Well I don't know what.

Sam: You don't have my brain.

Diane: Whoever has it should return it. You need it right now.

Sam: The Fraternal Order of the Caribou are sending a group over.

Diane: Great. Loud-mouthed, rowdy conventioneers. drinking like fish, swearing like sailors and putting their paws all over us.

Carla: Yeah, happy birthday to me.

Strange Bedfellows: Part 1 [4.24]

Cliff: [to Janet Eldridge] I will deliver you the postal vote.

Carla: Yeah, too bad it will be to the wrong address.

Diane: [about Sam] I think he might be hurt by this liaison with Janet Eldridge.

Carla: Yeah you're right. He's havin' a lot of laughs and a hot time with a beautiful woman. The man is a glutton for punishment.

Strange Bedfellows: Part 2 [4.25]

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?

Norm: Okay Woody but be sure to stop me at 1. Ah, make that 1:30.

Janet: Since things are over between you and Diane, I wonder why she still continues to work here.

Sam: She's gotta work someplace.

Janet: She owe you money that's she trying to work off?

Sam: No.

Janet: Would you lose customers if she leave?

Sam: No. As a matter of fact, I'd probably get a few back if I did let her go.

Strange Bedfellows: Part 3 [4.26]

Woody: Looks like Sammy got his walking papers. I know how he feels.

Norm: Yeah I think we've all been there before, Woody.

Cliff: Well it's never happened to me, so I guess I'll just have to imagine it.

Norm: Cliffie, you actually have to go with someone before you can get dumped.

Woody: How you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?

Norm: Pour.

Woody: I'm so sorry to hear that.

Norm: [pointing to the beer tap] No, I meant pour.

The Proposal [5.1]

Diane: Sam?

Sam: Did you notice that?

Diane: Notice what?

Sam: Everything just got calm.

Diane: I don't notice any difference.

Sam: Oh, yes yes. There's a difference in everything. The whole world just changed for me. [pause, looking up] Ohh, look. The stars are new. The moon is new. Sam Malone is new, and I like him. [pointing to the stars] And I like them. And they like me. And none of us like you.

[on small fishing boat]

Diane: Am I going overboard again?

Sam: No, no no. Don't be silly. That would mean I care, and I don't. Bye bye Diane.

Diane: Where are you going?

Sam: I'm going to swim ashore.

Diane: You can't do that.

Sam: Very well, I’ll take the dingey. See how quickly the new Sam adjusts.

Diane: You're going to just leave me out here all alone?

Sam: Yes I am.

The Cape Cad [5.2]

Sam: The one thing I really hate is to eat alone. I always feel like someone's looking at me.

Diane: I'm the only one here.

Sam: Well you're looking at me.

Diane: You can either join me or I can eat with my eyes closed.

Sam: I see what you're doing here. You're trying to plant a seed in my brain.

Diane: Oh don't be silly. I know of nothing that grows in solid rock.

Money Dearest [5.3]

Woody: My first bachelor party. No dates, right?

Carla: Hey, Fitzie, thanks for that $20 tip last night. I don't want you getting the wrong idea about me.

Mr. Fitzgerald: Carla, I know that your favors are not for sale.

Carla: See, that's what I mean about the wrong idea.

Abnormal Psychology [5.4]

Lilith: I suggest that your behavior indicates an unacceptable level of sexual frustration. You strike me as a man who needs professional help. Or a girlfriend.

Frasier: And you strike me as a woman who could use a good cuffing.

Frasier: Believe it or not, Sam. It's actually possible to have hostile feelings towards someone without being in love with them.

Sam: You mean I can actually hate Diane without having it mean anything more than I hate her.

Frasier: Feel free.

House of Horrors with Formal Training and Used Brick [5.5]

Carla: Boy, I'll tell you it's hopeless. I have looked everywhere in the Boston area and I just cannot find a house in my price range.

Sam: What's the big rush? Your apartment's fine.

Carla: No, it's not. My kids get bigger, my apartment gets smaller. I don't know what it's like to be alone in the bathroom anymore. What's it like, Sam? Is it everything people say it is?

Sam: More. Much much more.

Carla: I knew it.

Norm: Have you checked out the rest of the place yet?

Carla: No, I thought it might be a good idea to have a beer first.

Norm: Yeah, I find that pretty much applies to everything.

Tan 'N' Wash [5.6]

Sam: You wore your socks in the tanning booth?

Cliff: Well I've got to be careful, Sammy. The Clavin men have feet like a baby's bottom.

Carla: With faces to match.

Diane: Sam, may I have your ear for a moment?

Sam: Yeah, just don't leave any bite marks.

Young Dr. Weinstein [5.7]

Frasier: You didn't want to eat there anyway, Sam. The waiters pride themselves on rudeness. The portions are too small and it's exorbitantly overpriced.

Sam: You couldn't get in either?

Frasier: Not till April.

Cliff: Today marks the beginning of my seventh year as a United States postal carrier.

Norm: Woody, I think that calls for a little drink on the house. What do you think?

Woody: I think you're right, Mr. Peterson.

Norm: What the hell, give Cliffie one too.

Knights of the Scimitar [5.8]

Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?

Norm: Zsa Zsa marries a millionaire. Peterson drinks a beer. Film at 11.

Sam: Diane, change.

Diane: Not for you or any man.

Sam: No, no Diane. Change: nickels, dimes, quarters.

Thanksgiving Orphans [5.9]

Sam: Christmas comes earlier every year, doesn't it?

Woody: I think if you check Sam, it always comes on the 25th of December.

Diane: What could be more enjoyable than opening your heart with holiday cheer?

Carla: Opening yours with a can opener.

Everyone Imitates Art [5.10]

Woody: You know I was thinking about this the other day and I think in my next life I'd like to come back as the President of France.

Norm: Why is that, Wood?

Woody: Well I think it would attract a lot of business to the bar.

Carla: I've been plannin' my Elvis pilgrimage to Memphis for weeks and now Nick is backing out of takin' care of the kids. He says his appendix burst.

Sam: That seems serious to me.

Carla: His appendix bursts every time I need a favor.

Woody: If he was smart, he would have that removed.

Dance, Diane, Dance [5.12]

Diane: [watching her video] All my life I wanted to dance so badly!

Norm: Looks like you got your wish.

Chambers vs. Malone [5.13]

Sam: [to Diane] They can stop me from killing you, but they can't stop me from marrying you.

Sam: Father, do you believe in the afterlife?

Priest: Yes my son I do.

Sam: Good then I can find her there and get her again.

Diamond Sam [5.14]

Frasier: Sam, this has gone too far. I think it's time you told her the truth.

Sam: The truth? And you call yourself a psychiatrist.

Frasier: Something tells me Diane's not the type of woman who'd want a ring from a jeweler who starts every business transaction with "Pssst, buddy."

Spellbound [5.15]

Carla: [about Nick] He knows women like a jeweler knows jewels; like a meat-cutter knows meat.

Loretta: Like a marine biologist knows Marines.

Never Love a Goalie: Part 1 [5.16]

Carla: No way some guy like that ends up with me.

Sam: Will you stop cutting yourself short. You offer a lot of things to a guy.

Carla: Oh yeah, sure. Six kids, mortgage up to my ears, stack of bills, dead end job, and fallen arches.

Sam: You know, if I wasn't already engaged...

Sam: What about Frasier? Frasier you look like you could use a pick me up.

Frasier: A hockey game? No, thank you. I've been to a bullfights in Spain and I've been to the altar with Diane. I think that's enough carnage for one life.

Never Love a Goalie: Part 2 [5.17]

Norm: We were thinking maybe somebody's got to tell Carla that she's jinxing Eddie.

Sam: And what suicidal idiot did you have in mind to do that?

Norm: Well your name kept coming up.

Diane: How can a man tell a woman he loves her and yet try to kill her?

Sam: I can see it.

Dog Bites Cliff [5.19]

Madeline: I'd like to help with the doctor bills.

[Cliff looks at Sam.]

Sam: That's good.

Cliff: [to Madeline] That's good.

Madeline: Anything to help ease the burden on you and your family.

[Cliff looks at Sam again.]

Sam: You're not married.

Cliff: [to Madeline] You're not married. [Sam taps Cliff on the shoulder.] I mean I'm not married. But I could be if I wanted to. Right, Sam?

Sam: Sure.

Dinner at Eight-ish [5.20]

Frasier: [to Lillith] Darling? Don't make yourself too beautiful I can hardly stand to look at you now.

[Diane and Lilith are in the bathroom arguing]

Frasier: I should have done this earlier.

Sam: What are you doing? [Frasier locks the bathroom from the outside]

Lilith: What was that? [Tries door] Frasier what are you doing. Frasier the door seems to be jammed. Frasier?

Diane: Sam, open the door.

[Fraiser offers Sam a cigar]

Frasier: Macanudo?

Sam: Don't mind if I do, thank you.

Frasier: You know I can't stand all this caterwauling let's go upstairs. I've got all 13 episodes of I Claudius on tape.

Sam: Great, I love gladiator flicks.

Simon Says [5.21]

[Simon enters the bar and spots Frasier]

Simon: [sings] Three Little Maids from School are we.

Frasier: [sings] Pert as a Schoolgirl well may be.

Both: [sing] Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three Little Maids from School.

Woody: Sam should I call the police?

Frasier: No need for alarm Woody, we were in the spring musical at Oxford together. It was The Mikado. Simon was Pitti-Sing and I was Yum-Yum.

Simon: And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.

[Sam & Diane visit Dr Finch-Royce for the umpteenth time]

Diane: Doctor, there's still one thing you haven't considered...

Simon: [flustered] OK. Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake before but you are the most perfectly matched couple ever. But, why am I telling this to you? Let's share it with the rest of the world. [shouts out the window] Hear this, world! The rest of you can stop getting married! It's been done to perfection! [gesturing to the furniture] Envy them, sofa, envy them, chair, for you shall never be as cozy as they for their union shall be an epoch-shattering success and I STAKE MY LIFE ON IT. Wait a moment, let me get this on record! [talks into his tape recorder] "I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind and body declare that Sam and Diane shall be happy together throughout all eternity and if I am wrong I promise I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible." Here, take the tape, NO, take the whole machine. It's my wedding gift to you. The most perfect couple since the DAWN of TIME.

Diane: [turns to Sam, beaming] See?

The Godfather: Part 3 [5.22]

Diane: Oh Sam, it's never too early to start thinking of name for our children.

Sam: It is if you're thinking about the name Emil.

Diane: What's wrong with Emil?

Sam: A meal is something you eat. It's not something you name your kid.

Sam: The point is you've got to get to know each other better if you're going to take a big step like this. You gotta get past this early infatuation and get to the point where you're sick and tired of each other; then you're ready for marriage. Look at Diane and me, we waited five years to get married. If it were up to me we'd wait another five.

Norm's First Hurrah [5.23]

Diane: Norman, may I talk to you for a minute?

Norm: Yeah, sure. What's up?

Diane: You make me sick. You're a quitter, Norman! No, you're worse than that, you're a non-starter. You don't even try. You sit around the bar all day, you sit around your house all day, you sit around here all day, you sit around life all day! How are you going to feel at the end of your life when you're lying-no, make that sitting, on your death bed and you realize the only thing you've done in your life was sit around, and watch people do things, make things out of their lives? Well, maybe you're right, Norman. Maybe you're not meant for success, maybe you're meant for exactly what you are-nothing.

Norm: Diane, you have no right to say that to me.

Diane: Oh, Norman, I only said those things because I care about you.

Norm: You must care an awful lot about me.

Diane: Yes, I do. We all do. We're your friends, Norman, and we're all tired of seeing you give up so easily.

Diane: [After Thompkins steals Norm's proposal to the Board of Directors] Now now, Norman, you can't let this phase you, all right? You have to keep pushing. I know that this idea didn't succeed, but others will.

Norm: No no, Diane. Look, a few minutes ago, I almost made the biggest mistake of my professional life and it was because I was doing something that just wasn't me. I am not a go-getter, I've never been a go-getter, what's more, I don't even want to be a go-getter. I'm very happy right where I am. I'm so sick of all these people saying "Peterson, you gotta push", "You gotta get ahead", "You gotta make that goal". I don't even want to make the goal, Diane. I want to be a bench warmer. The world needs bench warmers. If there were no bench warmers, what would we have? Cold benches. A lot of cold benches and the world does not need that. You know something, I'm very happy with being an anonymous cog in this field of work.

Diane: Norman, I've never seen you so impassioned like this before.

Norm: That's because I believe in this, Diane. I'll tell you something else, Norm Peterson may be a motionless lump, but he's a damn good one.

Cheers: The Motion Picture [5.24]

Sam: You're just in time to see our masterpiece.

Diane: Should I alert Pauline Kael?

Sam: Well if you want to but tell her to get her butt in gear. We're about to start.

Sam: Hey Diane, shoot the damn film.

Diane: Would you tell Fellini, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Antonioni, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Bergman, shoot the damn film?

Sam: No, I'm telling you. Shoot the damn film.

Carla: Better yet, shoot the damn Diane.

A House Is Not a Home [5.25]

Sam: That's it. We have always done things your way. I have bent over backwards to make you happy. I bought the ring you wanted. The china you wanted. The crystal you wanted. I even agreed to have duvet over on my bed. I don't know what a duvet is or what it's supposed to cover. When are we going to do something that I want to do?

Diane: May I remind you we're going to Disney World for our honeymoon.

Sam: Big deal. Who isn't?

Sam: I'm not ready to own a home. You got to work up to that.

Norm: Sammy's right. It's a big responsibility. You got lawns to mow. You got plumbing to fix, gutters to clean. Then every couple of years you've got to paint the entire thing from top to bottom. Honestly I don't know where Vera gets the energy.

Frasier: Norm, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Norm: Yeah, I guess I should, shouldn't I? Well thank God I'm not.

I Do, Adieu [5.26]

Sumner: Excuse me, young man. I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane. I'm looking for Diane Chambers.

Woody: Gee, I hope she's not sick.

Sumner: No, I'm not a medical doctor. I'm in the literature department at Boston University where I occupy a chair.

Woody: Hey don't worry about it. That's all I did in school too.

Sam: Hey, have a good life.

Diane: Have a good life?

Sam: What?

Diane: Well, that's something you say when somethings over. Sam, I'm going away for six months. That's all. So no more of this 'Have a good life' stuff.

Sam: You never know. You could die, I could die, the world could end. One of us could bump our heads and wander the streets the rest of our lives with amnesia. Or maybe, one of us will decide we want something else.

Diane: None of those things will happen. I'll be back here. I will. I'll see you in six months, OK?

[Diane exits Cheers]

Sam: Have a good life....

Home Is the Sailor [6.1]

Sam: [about Diane] I was afraid I was going to walk in here today and see her face everywhere I looked. Instead what I saw was all these silly changes you made.

Rebecca: I happen to think it's...

Sam: No, no, it's good. It helped me. What I'm trying to say is this place is the closest thing I have close to a real home. I want to come back. Please.

Rebecca: I'm very sorry, Mr. Malone. I wish I could help.

Rebecca: [to Sam] Alright, I'll give you another chance. But I want to make something very clear - you've just got one chance left, and as far as I'm concerned, again, in baseball-ese: bottom of the 9th, you've got 2 outs, 2 strikes...and no balls.

I' on Sports [6.2]

Rebecca: Well you used to be the boss. How did you feel when people lied to you?

Sam: I had a rule, when anyone ever lied to me they had to go to bed with me.

Rebecca: That's one way to make sure it won't happen again.

Sam: What am I going to do about this?

Frasier: Sam, may I suggest deception?

Cliff: Well hold onto your horses there, Frasier. I mean as a psychiatrist isn't your job to seek and uphold the truth?

Frasier: Get real, Cliff.

Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 1 [6.3]

Eddie: What is so bad? Twins means we're twice blessed.

Sam: Yeah, I had twins once and it was the happiest day of my life.

Woody: Hey Sam, what are you concocting there?

Sam: You know how superstitious Carla and Eddie are, I thought I'd mix them up a batch of my good luck wedding punch. It never fails.

Woody: Isn't that the same stuff you made when you were getting married to Miss Chambers?

Sam: [pause] Woody, you want to flush this down the toilet?

The Last Angry Mailman [6.7]

Esther: Oh look there's your favorite hiding place in the closet. You used to be in there for hours.

Cliff: It's cause you always locked the door on me, Ma.

Esther: Well look at the result. You're a very polite young man.

Sam: How you been there, Frasier?

Frasier: You know how it is for a psychiatrist this day in age. Divorces. Hopelessness over financial situations. Rapid paranoia. Thriving, never better.

Bidding on the Boys [6.8]

Frasier: [about Lillith] Oh God I'm losing her, Sam.

Sam: Will you stop that? you're my friend, I'm never going to take a woman away from you.

Frasier: What about Diane?

Sam: And didn't God punish me with a vengeance.

Frasier: Well yes but gee whiz.

Cliff: You can call me a traditionalist, call me out of step with the times but I prefer to get my women the old-fashioned way.

Carla: In a plain brown wrapper?

Pudd'n Head Boyd [6.9]

Carla: Woody, you have been coming in here dressed in that ridiculous getup for three weeks now. When are you going to stop this nonsense.

Woody: Carla, as an understudy I have to be dressed and ready to go on at a moments notice. Putting on makeup like this can take hours but I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Carla: Why? Cause I'm not in the theater?

Woody: No, because you don't wear makeup.

Frasier: We had oodles of fun and we lost a combined 11 pounds to boot.

Cliff: You lost weight on a cruise? I thought there were wall to wall meals?

Lilith: There's also wall to wall waves.

A Kiss Is Still a Kiss [6.10]

Sam: What's got you so upset?

Frasier: Some college professor has just published an article that refutes everything I said in my last paper.

Cliff: Sounds like a shoot out at the cuckoo cuckoo corral.

Sam: How's life treatin' ya?

Norm: It's not Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.

My Fair Clavin [6.11]

Sam: [to Rebecca] What do you say? Shall we strip down to our smiles and show the couch here a good time?

Cliff: Oh, hey. Did you notice the pool on the way in?

Woody: Yeah.

[Norm chuckles]

Cliff: So when summer rolls around and all those girls are out there in their French-cut bikinis, I don't have to tell you where I'll be.

Norm: Standing right here with a pair of binoculars?

Cliff: That's right.

Christmas Cheers [6.12]

Carla: [about Rebecca] Ah, well don't feel bad Sam. Just because everybody else got her something. The pretzel salesman, the beer distributor, the relief bartender, the guy she fired after one day.

Sam: Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute though. All those guys were just trying to get her into the sack.

[Carla gives Sam a stare.]

Sam: I've got some shopping to do!

Sam: Hey Carla. I got a present for Rebecca.

Carla: [noticing the woman with Sam] I see you picked up a little package for yourself, too.

Sam: Hey, why not? I've been a good boy, and it's just what I asked for.

Woody for Hire, and Norman of the Apes [6.13]

Sam: What are you doing there?

Woody: Miss Howe put moi in charge of refreshments for the book club.

Sam: Yeah, but what are those?

Woody: Finger sandwiches. You know, the part that takes the most time is getting that middle knuckle right.

Sam: Woody, they don't actually have to look like fingers.

Woody: Yeah right.

Cliff: Hey Normy. You ever feel like we're getting in a rut here?

Norm: What do you mean Cliff?

Cliff: I mean we come in the same bar, sit in the same stools, drink beer night after night. I mean there's gotta be something more to life.

Norm: Cliffie, for the last time, I am not changing bar stools with you.

And God Created Woodman [6.14]

Sam: [about Rebecca] This is getting insulting. You know I don't think she respects us.

Woody: What do you mean "us", Sam? You're the one who goofed up that champagne thing.

Sam: Come on, man. We're a team.

Woody: Is that the insulting part?

Rebecca: Isn't it amazing how Carla's labor pains always seem to coincide with Celtic home games?

Tale of Two Cuties [6.15]

Cliff: Pardon my appearance everybody.

Rebecca: We always do. Sorry I was covering for Carla.

Rebecca: Did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?

Sam: They're two of the cutest little guys you've ever seen.

Rebecca: Who do they look like, Carla or Eddie?

Woody: Well they're twins, they kind of look like each other.

Yacht of Fools [6.16]

Woody: How come you're not going with Ms. Howe?

Sam: I thought I'd have fun instead.

Cliff: Check out Mr. Evan Drake over there acting like he owns the place, huh. Thinks he's just some big shot corporate executive.

Frasier: Well actually Cliff if it helps to alleviate this envy that seems to be eating you up right now studies have shown that rich people are 40 to 50% less happy than most of us.

Sam: Oh come on. That's a crock.

Frasier: Of course it is. But we have cling to it, don't we?

To All the Girls I've Loved Before [6.17]

Lilith: I have a small favor to ask regarding our impending wedding. since all of my close friends will be out of town and we have had a previous conversation and our eyes have met on a number of occasions I was wondering if you'd consent to be my maid of honor.

Rebecca: Oh I'm very flattered. I guess so. Sure Lila.

Lilith: Lilith.

Rebecca: Right right. I knew that.

Sam: Around here when guys get together to send another guy off to his doom, things can get a little raunchy.

Woody: You fellas ever dress up farm animals in woman's clothing?

Sam: No

Woody: Then I'm one up on you.

Let Sleeping Drakes Lie [6.18]

Woody: Can I pour you a draft, mr. Peterson?

Norm: A little early, isn't it, Woody?

Woody: For a beer?

Norm: No, for stupid questions.

Frasier: You know as my old professor used to say "If you can't laugh at your patients what fun are they."

The Sam in the Grey Flannel Suit [6.20]

Drake: I'll be straight with you, Sam. Sure, we originally hired you to pitch for the softball team. But actually you turned out to be somewhat of a surprise.

Sam: Oh?

Drake: Yeah, yeah. You're a much better hitter that we anticipated.

Rebecca: [Sarcastic] Rah, rah, rah.

Sam: Hey, you know, I never knew that you were a cheerleader. Although I've always admired your pom poms.

Our Hourly Bread [6.21]

[After Rebecca says Cheer's is in danger of shutting down due to costs.]

Norm: Well, maybe it isn't exactly my place to say this. But, Cheers means about as much to me as much as anyone here. This is pretty bad news. I'd say bad news like this deserves a sympathy round of drinks on the house.

Norm: Senior bartender huh? Well, Woods, you know a little promotion like that kind of deserves a round of drinks on the house.

Woody: Ah, gee, Mr. Peterson, I'd love to. I'm real sorry, but gosh I just don't think I'd better.

Norm: Boy, give a guy a title and he turns into a fascist.

Slumber Party Massacred [6.22]

Cliff: How's married life treatin' ya? Quite a change, huh?

Frasier: Well you know Lilith and I did live together a year before we wed so other than the fact that I now see it stretching endlessly before me until I lie rotting in the grave, there's no real difference.

Carla: For the first time in my life when morning comes around I want to open up my eyes instead of my wrists.

Eddie: That's beautiful, honey.

Bar Wars [6.23]

Carla: We've still got something that Gary can't take away.

Norm: Our pride?

Carla: Hell no. We never had that.

Carla: I'd like to do something to Gary to make him really miserable.

Cliff: Why don't you marry him?

The Big Kiss-Off [6.24]

Frasier: To recap; sitting in the bar today we have among others a man who is actually simple enough to hypnotize himself. I'd like to offer the suggestion that we've seen it all. [Sam enters wearing a military uniform] Happily I stand corrected.

Frasier: Explain this to me. If the winner is going to get a kiss from Rebecca, what does the loser get?

Cliff: Well, um, A kiss from Norm!

Norm: Then of course, there is no loser.

Backseat Becky, Up Front [6.25]

Sam: Does anyone know how to drive a limo around here?

Woody: Oh I've driven a tractor, it can't be that different.

Rebecca: Excuse me Sam, I'm being beckoned.

Sam: Listen, if this is what you think it is, can I give you some advice?

Rebecca: What?

Sam: If you're going to make an ass of yourself, take it outside.

How to Recede in Business [7.1]

Sam: [to Rebecca] The way I see it, you haven't had a date with a guy for about two and half years. Now I think this date of ours could be good for me but sweetheart, I got to say it's looking real necessary for you.

Sam: Speaking of Mercedes, I'm kind of known as the Mercedes of guys.

Rebecca: Really? I always thought you were more of a cheap pickup with a headlight missing.

Swear to God [7.2]

Rebecca: [about Sam] What does it mean when you can't turn on the horniest guy that ever lived? I am really getting old.

Carla: Rebecca, will you stop being ridiculous? You're still a young, beautiful, vibrant woman with her whole life ahead of her.

Rebecca: You're just saying that.

Carla: Yes, I am. I was taught to humor old folks.

Sam: So believe it or not I've given up sex entirely. But you've got to promise not to tell anyone.

Frasier: Well Sam, confidentiality is the bedrock of my profession. Besides, who'd believe it?

Executive Sweet (1) [7.3]

Rebecca: What the hell's in the box?

Woody: Those are my bees, Miss Howe.

Rebecca: Enough said.

Woody: Can I keep them in there until the end of the day?

Rebecca: Sure, anything you want. In my mood I'll agree to anything.

Sam: Sounds like my cue.

Sam: [to Rebecca] Let's try this. Have sex with me 25 times and if the end of the night you're still not sure then I won't say another thing.

One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape (2) [7.4]

Cliff: [about Martin] How does a guy so young get to be so incredibly powerful?

Woody: I just try to maintain a cheerful attitude and try not abuse my position.

Norm: I hate to change the subject but I don't know if anyone recognizes, we seem to have a little problem here.

Woody: Oh you need another beer, Mr. Peterson.

Norm: Okay we have two problems here.

Those Lips, Those Ice [7.5]

Sam: You must be gettin' pretty excited.

Carla: Yeah, I thought that ice show would never get back to Boston. It has been tough. He [Eddie] misses me. The kids miss him. Not to mention that I happen to be at my sexual peak.

Sam: You've been there since you were 12.

Carla: When you find a place you like, why leave it?

Eddie: Hey, are the kids home? I haven't talked to them since I got back. I want to give them a call.

Carla: Oh yeah go ahead. Just make sure you identify yourself by name. Just saying "It's dad" leaves too much confusion.

Norm, Is That You? [7.6]

Lilith: You should be decorating professionally.

Norm: Doing you folks a favor is one thing. Anymore of this interior decorating junk could really eat into my reputation as a lazy, beer-guzzling lump of mashed potatoes.

Frasier: But Norm, you have a gift.

Norm: A gift? Try a curse, pal. I spent my whole damn life trying to cover up the fact that I have a great sense of color and I always know where to put the ottoman.

Norm: I can't go on with this any longer. I wanted to be your decorator so I pretended to be who I thought you wanted me to be but it's time I came out of the closet. I'm straight.

Robert: Impossible.

Norm: Ever since I was a little boy I've known that I prefer girls. But the point is I think you should judge people for what they do not for who they do.

How to Win Friends and Electrocute Yourself [7.7]

Norm: [about their conversation] Yeah, why wasn't it the stupidest?

Frasier: Well frankly it lacks meaningless statistics and inane historical trivia. Say where is Cliff anyway?

Sam: Yeah, is he still in hospital?

Norm: I don't know. How's he doin'?

Sam: I thought you were gonna go see him.

Norm: Well I tried. I mean I got as far as the hospital lobby but you know that smell of alcohol makes me really queasy. [motions for a beer refill]

Rebecca: The Globe's doing an article on women who run pubs and now he wants to take my picture. I really dread this.

Sam: Why?

Rebecca: Because I get so tensed up in front of a camera. All of a sudden I look like something the cat coughed up.

Carla: Oooh, can I have an 8x10 for my mantlepiece?

Rebecca: How about a 2x4 for your bridgework?

Jumping Jerks [7.8]

Rebecca: [about sky diving] I just think it's really exciting - the danger of drifting through space. You know, talk about a turn on.

Sam: Please do.

Sam: Fellas it's late. You've had a few beers, you'll agree to anything.

Norm: Damn right, we will.

Send in the Crane [7.9]

Sam: I'm sittin' at a table in this restaurant with Judy and Laurie. The mother reaches over and grabs my knees and says "Sam, I want you." Then I feel the daughter reach over and grabs the other knee and she says "I want you too, Sammy."

Norm: Well yeah yeah.

Sam: Then I woke up. You know what this dream means don't you?

Norm: It means you even dream better than we do.

Sam: Sweetheart, I've handled trickier situations than this before. Remember the time I dated those lovely Henshaw triplets all at the same time.

Carla: Sammy first of all, that was back when you were drinking like a fish, and second of all, that was one chick.

Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back [7.10]

Carla: Woody, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, those guys at Gary's are vicious. They could strip you naked, paint you red, and put you on a subway.

Woody: They wouldn't do that.

Carla: They did it to me. But I got the best of them.

Norm: How's that?

Carla: [laughing] I loved it.

Woody: Hey Mr. Peterson there's a cold one waitin' for ya.

Norm: I know, and if she calls I'm not here.

Adventures in Housesitting [7.11]

Sam: Let me see here, Rebecca Howe all alone and scared in a big old house. Sounds to me like a job for Sammy's Security Company, we get in before the burglars do!

Carla: That's what I like about you Sam; you're pants are always thinkin'.

Rebecca: Sam, did you come out here because you were concerned I was scared? Or did you come out here to get me in the sack?

Sam: Hey I came out here because I was concerned and scared that I would never get you in the sack.

Please Mr. Postman [7.12]

[Rebecca passionately kisses Norm]

Rebecca: I don't know what go into me. Please apologize to Vera.

Norm: Are you kidding? After that Vera should apologize to me.

Cliff: Was it my imagination or was that woman coming on to me?

Norm: Cliffie, Walt Disney should've had your imagination.

Golden Boyd [7.13]

Woody: Who wants to see a rich boy get his butt whooped?

Carla: Wait a minute, I can't leave. If you're gonna fight, go fight in the back. But remember, you've got to bus your own blood.

Kelly: Oh hi. I hope I'm not too late. I heard my boyfriend was coming here to fight that nice bartender.

Carla: Fight? I've had sneezes that lasted longer.

I Kid You Not [7.14]

Cliff: It's sad to say that kids unaccepted by their peers really never learn how to get along with people in the big grown up world.

Norm: Why is that, Cliff? 'Cause they keep boring everyone an driving them crazy with long speeches filled with meaningless statistics?

Cliff: Yep! 63% of them live lives of quiet desperation.

Norm: How about those who sit next to them?

Cliff: You know any female that rides around with Sammy in the car ends up going straight to bed with him.

Rebecca: I've ridden in that car.

Norm: Right.

Rebecca: Well I didn't go to bed with him.

Norm: Right and they always deny it afterwards.

Don't Paint Your Chickens [7.15]

Cliff: As a business man you really have a lot to be desired. You know you haven't had a job in three months.

Norm: Cliff, you're absolutely right. I could do something about that or I can sit right here and feel sorry for myself and nurse this beer all day. Since I'm already here...

Rebecca: Well everyone you are looking at a winner.

Carla: You were the best kisser upper? Gee what does that trophy look like?

The Cranemakers [7.16]

[A pregnant Lilith enters the bar.]

Lilith: Lay your hands upon me everyone, I am life. I am mother. My man's seed is nourished within me. [To Sam] Touch my breasts, my friend, I am lactating.

Sam: Boy, I tell ya, this is kind of a first for me, uh, but I'm gonna pass.

What's Up, Doc? [7.18]

Sam: What kind of problem should I make up?

Carla: Well how about this, I once took one of my kids to the school psychiatrist and he said the kid had kleptomania.

Norm: Anything come of it?

Carla: Got a couple of pens and a leather appointment book.

Norm: Or you could try using my problem. I've always had this terrible fear of being a failure.

Carla: You are a failure.

Norm: Then I've licked it.

Sam: Answer the question, what do I have in my life that isn't women or sex?

Rebecca: Come on Sam, you're a passionate guy. I bet you have a lot of things you care deeply about.

Sam: Yeah, like what?

Rebecca: Sailing.

Sam: Babes on waves. See, the doctor was right. I'm a shallow guy.

The Gift of the Woodi [7.19]

Lilith: There are two approaches a woman can take in turning her look to her advantage. The first is to play upon the male sexual drive and turn yourself into an object of desire. I have opted for the second.

Rebecca: What's that?

Lilith: Scaring them stupid.

Norm: For God's sake. Are you still going on about your stupid vegetable?

Cliff: It's not my vegetable, Norm. It belongs to the whole world.

Carla: Aren't you vegetable enough for the world?

Call Me, Irresponsible [7.20]

Rebecca: Isn't Eddie sweet? Why can't more men send flowers?

Sam: I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.

Rebecca: I said "more men", not Mormon.

Sam: I know they can't dance.

Norm: No Sam, that's the Amish.

Sam: Then why can't Mormon's send flowers?

Rebecca: They can!! I just wish someone would send me some damn flowers!

Sam: So why does it have to be a Mormon?

Rebecca: Oh! [walks away]

Sam: Some people you just can't discuss religion with.

Woody: What's goin' on, Mr. Peterson?

Norm: The flashing side of my gut that says "insert beer here."

Sisterly Love [7.21]

Sam: At this very moment, Rebecca Howe is in her house spending two hours getting into an outfit she's gonna spend two minutes getting out of.

Norm: What are you going to do about that sister?

Sam: Oh, I already made a phone call to postpone our date.

Cliff: You gonna take her out tomorrow night?

Sam: No, take her out in a couple of hours.

Sam: Carla, you hate your sister, don't you?

Carla: Sure, why?

Sam: What would I have to do to get the two of you back together again?

Carla: Simple, Sam. Ask me to come down and identify her body.

The Visiting Lecher [7.22]

Frasier: Why didn't you just bring Valerie with you?

Lawrence: Well you know she hates to travel. Besides we decided this was a perfect opportunity to test my theories about martial fidelity. And I'm glad to say that after 10 months of celibacy, I can how pronounce my principles sound.

Sam: After 10 months of celibacy I couldn't even pronounce my name.

Rebecca: Your husband came onto me at a local bar.

Valerie: Do you mean he propositioned you?

Rebecca: Well he didn't exactly proposition me.

Valerie: Well what exactly did he do?

Rebecca: He asked me about my feelings.

Valerie: That is his field you know.

Rebecca: That isn't all he did. He rubbed my leg with his disgusting foot.

Sam: [to maid] She never gets tired of telling this part.

The Improbable Dream: Part 1 [8.1]

Cliff: You know it's quite remarkable. To float something as heavy as a wedge of lime, beer must have quite a high buoyancy factor.

Carla: So do your loafers.

Norm: Call me old-fashioned Cliff, but the only thing I like floating in my beer is my liver.

Rebecca: Oh Frasier, Lilith excuse me. I know you're probably on your way somewhere.

Lilith: Yes, we are.

Frasier: But when aren't we?

Rebecca: It's just that I have this really bad problem. It's getting so bad that I can't even sleep at night.

Frasier: Well I'm sorry Rebecca, we do have this important lunch.

Rebecca: You see I've been having these erotic dreams.

Frasier: Well lunch be damned! Our friend is in need.

The Improbable Dream: Part 2 [8.2]

Frasier: Perhaps your dreams are trying to tell you about something too frightening for your waking ming.

Sam: Like what?

Frasier: Like you care. You care about Rebecca.

Sam: Oh come on, Frasier. You know me. How can I care about her? We haven't done the main that I care about.

Frasier: Forgive me, Sam. I forgot about your high moral standards.

Lilith: You mean to say, you can't care about a woman unless you sleep with her first?

Sam: Well, yeah.

Sam: [about Rebecca] It doesn't seem fair, does it? I spent three years loosening the cap on that peanut butter jar and right now she's stickin' to the roof of somebody else's mouth.

A Bar Is Born [8.3]

Sam: Hey Rebecca, can I work the next shift? I need the overtime.

Rebecca: Sam look, I know what you're trying to do here but forget it. It's going to take you the rest of your life to save enough money to buy Cheers.

Woody: Hey if Sam says he can do it, he can do it. We have faith in you Sam. Cheers is gonna be yours. I just hope I'm still alive to see it.

Norm: Women. You can't live with them...pass the beer nuts.

How to Marry a Mailman [8.4]

Frasier: Emotional crises can affect our sensory perceptions. Devastating. I've read volumes on hysterical blindness, loss of hearing, even total loss of speech.

Carla: Clavin had to pick blindness.

Frasier: Carla, you're not helping.

Carla: I'm not trying.

Margaret: The men up in Canada well they just don't compare to you. They're just pale pathetic imitations of you, Cliff.

Carla: Boy that must be one butt ugly country.

The Two Faces of Norm [8.5]

Norm: Today I had to choose between two really great jobs. Couldn't make up my mind.

Woody: What'd you do?

Norm: I skipped them both and came in here. I think I made the right choice.

Norm: I'm sorry, I've never hired anyone before, I wouldn't know what to ask.

Rudy: Okay, but while you're thinking about it, let me buy you a beer.

Norm: You're hired!

The Stork Brings a Crane [8.6]

Sam: On this day in Boston's History? Yeah so they run this column every day. It tells you what happened 10 years ago, 50 years ago. What are we looking for? The last time she [Rebecca] had sex?

Carla: No no no, this only goes back 100 years.

Rebecca: Why are you all so interested in my sex life?

Sam: Somebody has to be.

Lilith: Oh doctor, thank God I felt so isolated here. I guess I had false labor. I'm just so terribly embarrassed because I'm a doctor myself. I was so sure this was the real thing. Not to mention the fact that I was sure I was going to be a mother today. Now I have to go on waiting. I need someone to talk me though this and please please tell me what to do.

Doctor: False labor. Go home.

Death Takes a Holiday on Ice [8.7]

Carla: I told you he was my husband. I had twins with Eddie.

Gloria: So what? So did I.

Norm: Yikes.

Carla: At least mine don't give you warts when you touch them.

Carla: It's not fair. I swear I get all the disadvantages of being married and none of the perks.

Norm: Wait, there are perks?

For Real Men Only [8.8]

Frasier: How can you go back to a room full of people that think you're a total idiot? How do you do it Cliff?

Cliff: I don't really like to divulge-- Hey!

Woody: My grandmother cleaned out her attic. Guess what she found?

Carla: Your grandfather.

Woody: No, he doesn't go in the attic.

Two Girls for Every Boyd [8.9]

Woody: Now this customer stuff is gonna be great. You know usually I'm so busy working, I miss out on all the witty conversations that go on around here.

[On the other side of the bar]

Cliff: Norm, you seem to have a little cheese doodle dust in the corner there.

Norm: I didn't have any cheese doodles.

Cliff: Last night you did.

Norm: I did? [licks lips] Wow that stuff really keeps, doesn't it?

Sam: [about his beard] So you really think it looks sexy, huh?

Rebecca: Oh yes, Yasser Arafat always makes me hot!

The Art of the Steal [8.10]

Rebecca: I want you to tell me straight. How good are your kids at breaking and entering anyway? And do not brag about them just because you're their mother.

Carla: Well that depends, what kind of system are we talking about here?

Rebecca: It's a Triton 5000 Sonic with laser beams.

Carla: They're not that good. But feel free to call if you're ever trapped in a late model car. They'll have you and the radio out in 60 seconds.

Sam: What is it with people nowadays? When I was a kid we used to keep our door unlocked all the time. We used to get ripped off a lot but we could at least get out of the damn house.

Feeble Attraction [8.11]

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?

Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

Doris: Cliff, when you get out of the service, could we go out together?

Cliff: You know Doris, there's actually no rule against mailmen dating women. It just sort of turns out that way.

Sam Ahoy [8.12]

Sam: We no longer think of ourselves as three individuals. We are three parts of the same machine, working together. Three people with one single purpose.

Carla: Not to drown.

Sam: All right, two single purposes; not to drown and win the race.

Norm: What about you know not getting all wet and getting all sick?

Sam: All right three single purposes.

Carla: How about buying the bar back?

Sam: Does anyone have a piece of paper?

[Sam enters wearing a suit]

Carla: Sammy, blind me with you beauty. What's with the fashion statement?

Sam: I had to look good. I had a meeting over at the corporation about buying Cheers.

Cliff: How'd it go?

Sam: I talked them into it. They're going to sell me the bar back. [Everyone cheers] I'm not out of the woods yet. I've got to raise a little bit more capital. I have to find myself a few investors. [Frasier, Norm, and the ride side of the bar move away] No not you. I'm talking about people with real money.

Norm: What's the matter, Sam? Our money's not good enough for you?

Sam: That's right.

Norm: Okay, for a second there I was offended.

Sammy and the Professor [8.13]

Carla: Hey teach, I'm Carla LeBec. Listen I got this business problem. I'm being audited by the IRS and I'm a little scared.

Alice: Well don't be. The IRS auditors aren't inherently evil monsters and sadists. They're people just like you.

Carla: Boy I'm in worse trouble than I thought.

Norm: It looks like you'll have to bury the auditor in paperwork. Get your hands on all your receipts, if you don't have them, make them up

Carla: That's illegal

Norm: Okay, if you don't wanna...

Carla: No, the kids will love it! We'll make it a family project!

What is... Cliff Clavin? [8.14]

Alex Trebek: And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you. Both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses, and what that means is that even if you're wrong, and as long as you didn't do anything foolish, like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.

Cliff: Well then, we don't have to see my answer, do we, Alex? [Places his jacket over his monitor.] I will see you at the Tournament of Champions.

Alex: [Taking the jacket from Cliff's monitor.] Cliff, we're running out of time, and we are gonna have to take a look at your response. You wrote down... "Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry, that too is wrong. The correct response is "Who are the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?"

Cliff: Well, be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.

Alex: Well, I'm sure they haven't. But obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.

Cliff: Obvious to who?

Alex: Cliff, it's all right. You don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet... 22,000 Big Ones! Takes you down to $0. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?

Cliff: It's because I knew that those people have never been in my kitchen! You can ask them, come on! Tony Curtis is still alive! Get them on the phone. Go ahead! I'll pay for the call.

Alex: It isn't gonna work Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 isn't a big total, but today, that is gonna make you Jeopardy! champion. Congratulations.

Sam: The man's gone through my entire list of babes. First the A's, then the B's, all the way through the G's. Where's he gonna strike next?

Frasier: The H's?

Woody: That's good work, Dr. Crane, you gotta think like a criminal.

Frasier: Or just someone acquainted with our alphabet.

Finally!: Part 1 [8.15]

Sam: Do me one favor, will ya.

Rebecca: Sure, what is it?

Sam: Go to bed with me.

Rebecca: Oh Sam, you never stop.

Sam: I'm sorry. It's in my genes.

Rebecca: That's where it's gonna stay.

Sam: Rebecca and Robin started making out in the back of the limo. So I offered to do the gentlemanly thing.

Cliff: What's that?

Sam: Let them dump me out on the railroad tracks.

Carla: Oh man. That Colcord is a real jerk.

Sam: Yeah, he just pulled over and let me out.

Carla: He stopped the car? So what are you whining about?

Finally!: Part 2 [8.16]

Rebecca: Robin, I need a one woman man.

Robin: And I am a one woman man. It's just that I'm still looking for the one woman.

Norm: [Rebecca's] taken to replacing the beer nuts to these little candy hearts that say "Hold me," "I'm yours," "Lovey dovey." Hey "Free beer."

Woody: Oh no Mr. Peterson, you fooled me once.

Woody or Won't He [8.17]

Woody: Hey Sam, can I ask you something?

Sam: Another etiquette question?

Woody: Yeah last one. What do I do if Kelly's mom tries to go to bed with me?

Sam: Kelly's mom? I'm shocked and more than a little impressed.

Norm: Well I have to say the mechanical bull is like the most useless thing put in a bar.

Cliff: Now, Norm.

Norm: Present company excepted.

Severe Crane Damage [8.18]

Frasier: All right now, everyone pay attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have a minute.

Norm: Why? You're in a hurry?

Frasier: No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.

Frasier: I'm just going to the men's room to check my hair.

Carla: I already checked. It's not in there.

Indoor Fun with Sammy and Robby [8.19]

Robin: What about a friendly game of pool?

Sam: No, I never like to nail a guy twice in one afternoon.

Carla: You haven't lived.

Frasier: You know it just isn't fair. I came because I wanted to be one of the guys and all I'm doing is sitting on my duff watching other people do things.

Norm: Welcomes to NormWorld. Keep your hands inside the car at all times.

Fifty-Fifty Carla [8.20]

Woody: Dr. Crane says if I can get undressed a little at a time in a place where I feel safe and secure pretty soon I can get naked anywhere.

Sam: Makin' progress huh Wood?

Woody: [now shirtless] You bet. I'm still scared, cold, and self-conscience. That's all I'll get out of it. But I did pick up an extra $50 in tips.

Woody: So, tonight, when I got out in front of that audience, I ripped off every stitch of clothing. I looked around and I thought, "Why am I the only one who's naked?"

Sam: Well, maybe nobody noticed, Wood.

Frasier: Oh, they noticed, Sam.

Woody: As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience, "Hey, look! He's the only one who's naked!"

Norm: Sorry, Woody. It took me by surprise.

Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh [8.21]

Sam: What are you up to Norm?

Norm: My ideal weight if I were 11 feet tall.

Woody: Gary's just playing with us, like a rat and mouse.

Sam: That's cat and mouse, Woody.

Woody: Sam, a cat and mouse don't play together. They're mortal enemies. They don't even know the same games. Think before you speak, Sam.

Loverboyd [8.22]

Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.

Norm: You mean nice cold beer going down Mr. Peterson.

Carla: Sorry. No suds tonight, Norm. You are still our designated driver, remember?

Norm: I know that. You know that. But did you have to call every bar in town and tell them?

The Ghost and Mrs. LeBec [8.23]

Frasier: Carla, this psychic business is just a crutch to avoid reality. It's very easy for people to get hooked on this hocus pocus. Before you know it this woman will be holding your hand once a week, charging you $100 an hour, and filling your mind with all sorts of confusing jargon.

Carla: And how is that different from you?

Frasier: Well I can prescribe drugs.

Lilith: Well kudos to Carla. It's healthy after a time to curtail one's grieving and recommence interest in the opposite sex. I know if my Frasier were taken from me in an unforeseen tragedy I would certainly date again after an acceptable period of bereavement.

Frasier: That gives me a warm fuzzy.

Lilith: There'd be no sense in being overly emotional, darling. You'd be dead and rotting in a box.

Frasier: Woody, can I have another beer and would you check on the robot over there and check if it's thirsty.

Woody: Hey Dr. Crane, that's your wife. Don't talk about her like that. What can I get you Dr. Sternin-Crane? Another quart of Valvoline?

Lilith: Oh won't you people stop it? I am not a robot!

Mr. Otis Regrets [8.24]

Woody: [Terri] sounds like the perfect roommate. But I don't know. The thought of having a girl for a roommate, well I've got a real problem with that.

Norm: Your girlfriend wouldn't understand, huh?

Woody: Now I've got two problem.

Sam: I get it. Your mom would disapprove.

Woody: Make that three problems.

Frasier: What? Do you have religious scruples?

Woody: Oh great four problems.

Sam: What was your original problem?

Woody: Well I like to sit on the couch and leave the top button of my pants undone after a good frozen meal.

Woody: I don't think Kelly would mind. If I'm not sleeping with her why would I be sleeping with somebody else?

Carla: Wait a minute. You've been going out with Kelly for over a year and you're not sleepin' with her?

Woody: Of course not. That's the sort of this you wait to do after you're married. Right, Mr. Peterson?

Norm: Well you keep believing that, Woody.

Cry Hard [8.25]

Norm: Well I guess I better go call Vera back.

Cliff: What are you talking about? She didn't call.

Norm: Yes, she did. Yesterday. Something about a flat tire, interstate. What the hell's the number of that call box?

Rebecca: I cannot believe that Robin would use me like this.

Sam: Yeah I know. He seems like such a decent guy. It's not like he ever, you know, cheated on any of your friends on a business deal. No, no actually he did, didn't he? Well at least you never caught him with another woman. Oh shoot that happened too. Well maybe this is the very last bad thing he does. Yeah that's it.

Rebecca: Gee Sam, you think so?

Cry Harder [8.26]

Carla: I know how we should celebrate. Why don't you just take me right on top of the bar like you did in the old days?

Sam: I never did that.

Carla: Then who was that guy? Oh that was the manager of the bar where I worked before this. Hey can anyone give me a ride to The Broken Spoke?

Rebecca: I love [Robin] and I'm just about ready to lose him. Have you ever thought what it would be like to be without Vera for 20 years?

Norm: Oh my God.

Rebecca: See you'd miss Vera.

Norm: I thought you said beer.