We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet.

I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Well, the old theory was "marry a older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one".

To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

[One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'."

Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about "New Car Interior"?

I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.