Sourced

• We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet.
  • When Dr. Katz asks whether she and her husband have discussed children
  • Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist, "Real Estate" [2.02], 29 October 1995

• I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • Best of the Improv, Vol. 3 (2003)

• Well, the old theory was "marry a older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one".
  • Best of the Improv, Vol. 3 (2003)

Naked Beneath My Clothes (1992)

• To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
  • On pregnancy
  • Essay 2: "How Can I Have Morning Sickness When I Don't Get Up 'Til Noon"?, p. 6

• [One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)
  • On childbirth
  • Essay 2, p. 7

• Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
  • On pregnancy and childbirth
  • Essay 2, p. 7-8

• I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'."
  • Essay 4: "Survival of the Fattest", p. 18

• Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.
  • Essay 7: "Should I Get My Head Analyzed or Just My Hair?", p. 24

• Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about "New Car Interior"?
  • Essay 16: "Flirting with Success", p. 61

• I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.
  • Essay 42: "Fillings Nothing ... More Than Fillings", p. 151

Unsourced

• According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

• Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. [HBO: "Born to be Mild"]

• I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

• I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

• I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

• I'm just like Dr. Phil, except I have hair, and I don't help anybody.
  • About her talk show

• In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. [HBO: "Born to be Mild"]

• Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

• Money is the root of all jewelry.

• Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

• My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

• My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.[HBO: "Born to be Mild"]

• My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

• Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

• Remember, Humphrey Bogart was not the first choice for Casablanca; Ronald Reagan was. So maybe if Ronnie had taken the part, Humprey Bogart could have been president. And maybe if you date this guy, you could be president too!
  • Offering advice to a woman who can't decide between 2 men

• Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

• When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

• When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
  • Variant: Whenever I date a guy [in Hollywood], I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"[HBO: "Born to be Mild"]

• When I was a kid I had two friends, and they were imaginary, and they would only play with each other.[HBO: "Born to be Mild"]