Negotiation (BDSM)
Encyclopedia
In the BDSM community, negotiation is a form of communication where participants make arrangements on each others' requirements, responsibilities, and limits to find the best possible agreement.

Activity within BDSM relationships requires trust, openness about most practices that may include risks. On the other hand, partners have certain needs which should be clearly defined in order to be properly satisfied. In this regard, negotiation is essential part not only when parties were not familiar with each other but also in case when partners have long-term relationships.

Negotiation may not only concern a particular session but touch upon a more wide range of subjects on a BDSM philosophy in general: considerations on a lifestyle, the perspectives of the relationships, religious beliefs and many other issues that can be in one way or another connected to BDSM activity.

Negotiation within the limits of BDSM practice can be performed either verbally or in written form. One of the most common ways to clarify all the issues concerning participation in BDSM activity is to make use of negotiation form.

A negotiation is a list of needs, limits and activities within BDSM practice presented to both participants for a specification of the details of BDSM session.

Types of negotiation

1. Scene negotiation takes place before the actual participation in BDSM session, during the session and after it. It can be done in written form, where all the topics discussed will be listed for agreement or disagreement. This is made to evaluate the possible productivity of the session and compatibility of both partners.

Negotiation on a pre-scene phase may include discussing such things as:
  • Arrangement of Roles - who will take the part of the top partner or bottom partner, and participation of any other observers, the way partners address each other;
  • Expectations and needs of both partners - likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other's needs;
  • Limits of the scene - boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation
    Humiliation
    Humiliation is the abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. It can be brought about through bullying, intimidation, physical or mental mistreatment or trickery, or by embarrassment if a person is revealed to have...

    , obedience
    Obedience
    The term obedience can refer to:* Obedience ** The educational film Obedience about the Milgram experiment on obedience to authority figures* Vow of obedience as an evangelical counsel* Obedience training for dogs...

     or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks and resistance to various influences);
  • Types of play - practices that would be included in a scene: bondage
    Bondage (BDSM)
    Bondage is the use of restraints for the sexual pleasure of the parties involved. It may be used in its own right, as in the case of rope bondage and breast bondage, or as part of sexual activity or BDSM activity.- Private bondage :...

    , role-playing, spanking or sensory deprivation;
  • BDSM Gear and attire - what materials, adult toys
    Sex toy
    A sex toy is an object or device that is primarily used to facilitate human sexual pleasure. The most popular sex toys are designed to resemble human genitals and may be vibrating or non-vibrating...

     and fetish wear will be used;
  • Duration of the scene - at what time the game starts and ends, who will be in charge of the time;
  • Health concerns - talking over existent health problems: allergies
    Allergy
    An Allergy is a hypersensitivity disorder of the immune system. Allergic reactions occur when a person's immune system reacts to normally harmless substances in the environment. A substance that causes a reaction is called an allergen. These reactions are acquired, predictable, and rapid...

    , chronic diseases
    Chronic (medicine)
    A chronic disease is a disease or other human health condition that is persistent or long-lasting in nature. The term chronic is usually applied when the course of the disease lasts for more than three months. Common chronic diseases include asthma, cancer, diabetes and HIV/AIDS.In medicine, the...

    , STD
    Sexually transmitted disease
    Sexually transmitted disease , also known as a sexually transmitted infection or venereal disease , is an illness that has a significant probability of transmission between humans by means of human sexual behavior, including vaginal intercourse, oral sex, and anal sex...

    's, taking any medications and other;
  • Safety measures - any safety tools to prevent situations when something goes wrong;
  • Sexual contact - what type of sexual activity
    Human sexual behavior
    Human sexual activities or human sexual practices or human sexual behavior refers to the manner in which humans experience and express their sexuality. People engage in a variety of sexual acts from time to time, and for a wide variety of reasons...

     is accepted if any;
  • Safe words - one or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.


Negotiation that takes place after session is focused mainly on the following: possible drawbacks or otherwise positive moments, feelings and suggestions on the next sessions.

2. Relationships negotiation is a form of negotiation that concerns consideration of building up a scene relationship or a more committed 24/7 relationships. Partners who are interested in long-term relationships sign up a kind of contract that is similar to one a couple signs when getting married. Together with the questions that concern BDSM activity, partners discuss long-term arrangements: type of relationship, agreement on living together, financial and psychological responsibilities. When both parties agree on TPE relationships they usually agree on signing up a contract
Contract (BDSM)
In BDSM, a contract is an agreement, usually written, between the dominant and submissive in a 24/7 or Total Power Exchange relationship. It is the formal act of consent to the power exchange....

 in support of their commitment to BDSM lifestyle and each other. Such contracts do not have a legal base but they allow partners to determine all the aspects of their lifestyle more clearly.

Resources

  • Robert J. Rubel, PhD "Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice." Nazca Plains Publishers, 2006. ISBN 978-1-887895-63-7

See also

  • Limits
    Limits (BDSM)
    In BDSM, limits refer to those activities that participants in a BDSM scene feels strongly about, and to which special attention must be paid....

  • Scene
    Scene (BDSM)
    In BDSM, a scene is the stage or setting where BDSM activity takes place, as well as the activity itself. The place where a BDSM activity takes place is usually called a dungeon. A BDSM activity can but need not involve sexual activity or sexual roleplay. A scene will vary, depending on the wishes...

  • Collar
    Collar (BDSM)
    In a BDSM context, a collar is a device of any material placed around the neck of the submissive partner. It is also a term used to show ownership of one partner by another. A person wearing a collar to symbolize their relationship with another is said to be collared...

  • Consent
    Consent (BDSM)
    Consent within BDSM is an issue that attracts much attention in the field. Practitioners' interests are in ensuring appropriate consent for personal, ethical, and legal reasons...

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