Yes, I'll sign your doll. I like to give my autograph to anyone, anytime, anywhere. But why be happy with just an autograph? How about an original sketch or a snippet of my hair? Don't forget to pull on the beard; they say it's good luck!

People are throwing panties at you. They certainly never do that at my book-signings.

All my friends say I should leave him because he's mean, angry, and abusive. I need to get some new friends.

Are we alone in an uncaring universe, or is God some kind of wiseguy?

He's very sensitive to my moods. I just wish he didn't cringe so much.

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig, then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

The longer it takes me to find Mr. Right, the more he's going to pay for keeping me waiting.

We're getting on each other's nerves too much. I think we need to spend more time together.

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.