Sourced

• Yes, I'll sign your doll. I like to give my autograph to anyone, anytime, anywhere. But why be happy with just an autograph? How about an original sketch or a snippet of my hair? Don't forget to pull on the beard; they say it's good luck!
  • From The Simpsons

• People are throwing panties at you. They certainly never do that at my book-signings.
  • On playing in The Rock Bottom Remainders

Life in Hell

• All my friends say I should leave him because he's mean, angry, and abusive. I need to get some new friends.

• Are we alone in an uncaring universe, or is God some kind of wiseguy?

• He's very sensitive to my moods. I just wish he didn't cringe so much.

• Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig, then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.

• Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
  • Variant: Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come.
    • Note: this quote actually originates in the novel _Half Asleep In Frog Pajamas_ by Tom Robbins. In the book, it is a beat poem written by the main character's mother. (1994 publication, pg.103)

• The longer it takes me to find Mr. Right, the more he's going to pay for keeping me waiting.

• We're getting on each other's nerves too much. I think we need to spend more time together.

• When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
  • "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngsters"; Variant: When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.

• Where do babies come from? Don't bother asking adults. They lie like pigs. However, diligent independent research and hours of playground consultation have yielded fruitful, if tentative, results. There are several theories. Near as we can figure out, it has something to do with acting ridiculous in the dark. We believe it is similar to dogs when they act peculiar and ride each other. This is called "making love". Careful study of popular song lyrics, advertising catch-lines, TV sitcoms, movies, and T-Shirt inscriptions offers us significant clues as to its nature. Apparently it makes grown-ups insipid and insane. Some graffiti was once observed that said "sex is good." All available evidence, however, points to the contrary.
  • Bongo in Childhood Is Hell(1988)

Attributed

• If at first you don't succeed, give it up. It isn't worth the pain.

• I pretend to listen….what more does she want?
  • Variant: What does she want from me? A guy can only pretend to listen so much.

• I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't care
• Families are about love overcoming emotional torture.

• God often gives nuts to toothless people.

• My tastes are much more obscure than you think. The other day, this reporter asked me who my favorite Spice Girl was and I was like, 'I dunno, but ask me about percussion ensembles from Senegal'.

• I pledge impertinence to the flag waving, of the unindicted co-conspirators of America, and to the republicans for which I can't stand, one abomination, underhanded fraud, indefensible, with Liberty and Justice... Forget it.