Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talking out of my ass, or sticking my hand in it.

[Modeling women's underwear] I would've been a sexy chick.

You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?

Waste not, want not.

I love the smell of commerce in the morning.

[speaking of T.S. and Brandi's love] You two are retarded for each other.

Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like "BJ and the Bear"? Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.