I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle is a 1990 low-budget horror

Horror film

Horror films seek to elicit a negative emotional reaction from viewers by playing on the audience's most primal fears. They often feature scenes that startle the viewer through the means of macabre and the supernatural, thus frequently overlapping with the fantasy and science fiction genres...

 spoof

Parody

A parody , in current usage, is an imitative work created to mock, comment on, or trivialise an original work, its subject, author, style, or some other target, by means of humorous, satiric or ironic imitation...

 about a motorcycle possessed by an evil spirit.

Set in a Birmingham, England

Birmingham

Birmingham is a city and metropolitan borough in the West Midlands of England. It is the most populous British city outside the capital London, with a population of 1,036,900 , and lies at the heart of the West Midlands conurbation, the second most populous urban area in the United Kingdom with a...

 suburb, the film

Film

A film, also called a movie or motion picture, is a series of still or moving images. It is produced by recording photographic images with cameras, or by creating images using animation techniques or visual effects...

 is about a man named Noddy and his girlfriend Kim who operate a motorcycle courier

Motorcycle courier

A motorcycle courier is a courier operating via a motorcycle or motor scooter. Motorcycle couriers are common in major urban centres, primarily in Europe, South America and Asia, but increasingly in North America.- History :...

 business. One day Noddy bought a classic motorbike, a 750cc Norton Commando

Norton Commando

The Norton Commando is a British motorcycle with an ohv pre-unit parallel twin engine, launched by the Norton Motorcycle company in 1967. Initially a nominal 750 cc displacement, actually , in 1973 it became an 850 cc, actually ....

, and restored it. That motorbike, however, is possessed by the evil spirit of a man who was being summoned by an occultist who was killed by a motorbike gang. Whenever the spirit is overcome by a seeming blood lust, the bike would start up, ride on its own and kill people, particularly members of the Hells Angels

Hells Angels

The Hells Angels Motorcycle Club is a worldwide one-percenter motorcycle gang and organized crime syndicate whose members typically ride Harley-Davidson motorcycles. In the United States and Canada, the Hells Angels are incorporated as the Hells Angels Motorcycle Corporation. Their primary motto...

.

Michael Elphick

Michael Elphick

Michael John Elphick was an English actor. Elphick was known in the UK for his trademark croaky voice and his work on British television, in particular his roles as the eponymous private investigator in the ITV series Boon and later Harry Slater in BBC's EastEnders.Robust and ruggedly good-looking...

 plays Inspector Cleaver and Anthony Daniels

Anthony Daniels

Anthony Daniels is an English actor. He is best known for his role as the droid C-3PO in the Star Wars series of films made between 1977 and 2005.-Early life:...

 plays the eccentric priest who attempts to exorcise the bike’s evil spirit.

Plot

A motorbike gang kills an occultist with a crossbow during a satanic ritual. An evil spirit inhabits a damaged bike. Noddy is then seen purchasing that very motorcycle for the price of £1100 from a dealer, but he tells Kim he only paid £600. He proceeds to take it home and fix the damaged caused by the crossbow, by replacing the fuel tank, with his friend, Buzzer, and girlfriend, Kim. Buzzer steals the petrol cap for "funsies" but then the bike kills him by decapitation. It is revealed to the audience that the vehicle has become a bloodthirsty monster. Noddy goes to the scene of the crime where he meets an inspector who smells like garlic. Later, Noddy has a bad dream that the inspector gives him Buzzer's head in a bag and it talks at him but then he wakes up. Then he goes back to sleep and dreams Buzzer is a poo that jumps in his mouth and starts asking how he is. Noddy wakes up again and is chewing his duvet. Noddy and Kim go to the pub and order a large vodka tonic and a pint of cider. Then 10 of the bikers from the beginning come in and shoot the bar with the crossbow. One then offers to show Kim his "chopper" while she is playing pool. She declines, claiming not to have brought her magnifying glass. He then proceeds to unsheathe an axe and attack the pool table and moving onto plates, starting a bar wide brawl of 10 bikers against our protagonists. Kim manages to slip out the front and drive the bike round the back of the pub where Nobby jumps on it from the first floor and then gets shot with a crossbow bolt. They then have Chinese. When Kim orders garlic prawns, the bike goes mad and drives off with her. It takes her under a bridge, throws her off and makes advances on her, until it notices the crucifix around her neck. It drives off back to the pub where Chopper attempts to steal it but the bike stabs him through the leg with a large metal spike, then launching him at some graffiti artists. It then proceeds to exact its revenge on the rest of the gang, decapitating the majority and leaving only Roach with a bolt inserted into his posterior. Noddy then finds out Kim has been taken to hospital where she describes the bike's advances with a hollow look in her eyes. It is then seen that the inspector is looking at some heads. Noddy then goes to a priest, who also has a motorcycle. There is then several crucifix wipes as they travel to the garage where the bike is kept. The priest is sarcastic and does not believe Noddy. Not wanting to be taken into the sunlight, the bike uses it's brake to injure the priest's hand. Determining the bike is a vampire, the priest decides to do an exorcism. Believing the bike will come back for Kim, the priest gives her a crucifix and garlic. The priest throws a shuriken at a fly whilst planning the exorcism and exclaims "Right. Let's go kick some bottom!". The vampire bike stops Noddy and the priest on the way home by disabling the bike they are riding, so they decide to call a taxi but instead wait for a bus. It is a race against the sun to get to the vampire bike before nightfall when it will be free to roam once more. During the exorcism, the priest is hit in the head with a wrench and Noddy is blown around the room by a mysterious wind, knocking him into cupboards. The priest is then crucified with a crown of barbed wire. Believing to have successfully vanquished the demon, the priest sprinkles holy water, but that only makes the bike angry, growing spikes and glowing red. Noddy runs off and steals a police motorcycle, dragging the policeman behind him, who is almost run over by the vampire bike. The bike is chased by a police car, while the priest attempts to explain it to the authorities and Kim is washed, having her garlic removed. The bike evades the police by driving vertically down a wall and goes to the hospital to finish off Kim but not before cleaving the tea lady in two. Kim uses her crucifix to scare it away, so it goes after Roach, passing the priest and inspector in the corridor of the hospital. Roach crashes while fleeing and lands in a coffin. He is presumed dead. The bike then goes for Noddy but gets it's front wheel stuck in a bridge, giving Noddy the chance to throw it in a river and spit. Thinking he is safe, Noddy has a victory smoke, but the audience sees a red-light under the water. Noddy then sees it and screams and runs around like a lunatic. He hides in a gym, but the bike doesn't take long to find him and start attacking the patrons with it's spikes. Noddy then bashes the bike, which feigns death, making everyone feel safe, until it starts throwing people's limbs in the air. The inspector scares it with his smell. The bike manages to trap Noddy against a wall, but is stopped when Noddy turns on a sun bed. Everyone uses their crucifix and/or garlic breath to force it into the light and it melts. Kim asks how much Noddy really spent on the bike and the priest says they are usually reliable. Back in Noddy's workshop, he accidentally cuts his hand and the blood drips onto the bike's old fuel tank which springs open, leaving the audience begging for a sequel.

Cast

Actor	Role
Neil Morrissey Neil Morrissey Neil Anthony Morrissey is an English actor, media personality and businessman. He is best known for his role as Tony in Men Behaving Badly....	Noddy
Amanda Noar Amanda Noar Amanda Noar is an English actress, choreographer and producer, and is the former wife of actor Neil Morrissey.Noar trained at the Arts Educational School. Her first television role was in 1980s ITV schools series Starting Out, written by Grazyna Monvid...	Kim
Michael Elphick Michael Elphick Michael John Elphick was an English actor. Elphick was known in the UK for his trademark croaky voice and his work on British television, in particular his roles as the eponymous private investigator in the ITV series Boon and later Harry Slater in BBC's EastEnders.Robust and ruggedly good-looking...	Inspector Cleaver
Anthony Daniels Anthony Daniels Anthony Daniels is an English actor. He is best known for his role as the droid C-3PO in the Star Wars series of films made between 1977 and 2005.-Early life:...	Priest
Andrew Powell	Roach
George Rossi George Rossi George Rossi is a Scottish actor, best known for playing Detective Constable Duncan Lennox in The Bill from 1998 to 2003. Rossi is of Italian descent, his mother originates from Valvori, a frazione of Vallerotonda in Lazio, Italy.He worked alongside his brother Peter in the family ice-cream van...	Chopper
Daniel Peacock Daniel Peacock Daniel Peacock is an English actor, writer and director best known for his work with the team of The Comic Strip Presents.... He is also known as Danny Peacock.-Acting:...	Buzzer
Midge Taylor	First Road Toad
David Daker David Daker David Daker is an English actor.His is best known for his role as Harry Crawford in the hit series Boon. He also played PC Owen Culshaw in Z-Cars, Jarvis in Porridge, Captain Nathan Spiker in Dick Turpin....	Desk Sergeant
Burt Kwouk Burt Kwouk Burt Kwouk OBE , born Herbert Kwouk, is an English actor of Chinese descent, known for many television appearances and for his role as Cato in the Pink Panther films.-Career:...	Fu King Owner
Brendan Donnison	Satanist High Priest
John Wolskel	Clyde (Uncredited)