Gilbert Gnarley
Encyclopedia
Gilbert Gnarley is a character developed and voiced by Gary Burbank
of Cincinnati, Ohio
, radio station 700 WLW
. His comedy sketches involve prank phone calls to various businesses, organizations, and corporate headquarters, during which it becomes evident that Gilbert is very confused about something. Those who answer the calls may not initially realize that he is confused, but once they discover the source of his confusion, their reactions range from heartfelt compassion to annoyance to fits of laughter, all of which are used for comedic value. Traits of his calls include always spelling his last name for his listener — "Hello, my name is Gilbert Gnarley, G-N-A-R-L-E-Y..." — and never saying "goodbye" at the end of the call, instead saying "Okay? Okay?" repeatedly, inducing the individual to respond either with an affirming "okay" or to hang up.
Gilbert is an elderly resident of the St. Pia Zadora
Golden Buckeye
Retirement Community in Pisgah, a community outside Cincinnati, where he lives with his dog, the Amazing Crepso. He was married to his wife, Iona Gnarley, for 35 years before, reportedly, she was killed by a falling crate of life rafts. [In one bit, Gilbert's wife's name was Euletta Gnarley.] Gilbert's room mate is named Myron Flats, and has a malicious sense of humor and a flatulence problem. On 21 December 2007, Gnarley was taken out of retirement and received a call from Myron Flatts, F-L-A-T-T-S from the Pisgah Decency League while working at Toys 'R' Us... Never to be heard from again.
All bits are G-rated, and the humor stems from the sympathy of the victims for this exceedingly polite though confused gentleman, not from any sort of shock value. Appropriately, the theme music was Romance
from the Gadfly Suite
by Dmitri Shostakovich
.
Gary Burbank
Gary Burbank is an American radio personality. He was heard daily on WLW in Cincinnati, Ohio, from June 15, 1981 until December 21, 2007, when he signed off for the last time.-Career in Radio:...
of Cincinnati, Ohio
Cincinnati, Ohio
Cincinnati is a city in the U.S. state of Ohio. Cincinnati is the county seat of Hamilton County. Settled in 1788, the city is located to north of the Ohio River at the Ohio-Kentucky border, near Indiana. The population within city limits is 296,943 according to the 2010 census, making it Ohio's...
, radio station 700 WLW
WLW
WLW is a clear channel talk radio station located in Cincinnati, Ohio, run by Clear Channel Communications. The station broadcasts locally on 700 kHz AM...
. His comedy sketches involve prank phone calls to various businesses, organizations, and corporate headquarters, during which it becomes evident that Gilbert is very confused about something. Those who answer the calls may not initially realize that he is confused, but once they discover the source of his confusion, their reactions range from heartfelt compassion to annoyance to fits of laughter, all of which are used for comedic value. Traits of his calls include always spelling his last name for his listener — "Hello, my name is Gilbert Gnarley, G-N-A-R-L-E-Y..." — and never saying "goodbye" at the end of the call, instead saying "Okay? Okay?" repeatedly, inducing the individual to respond either with an affirming "okay" or to hang up.
Gilbert is an elderly resident of the St. Pia Zadora
Pia Zadora
Pia Zadora is an American actress and singer. After working as a child actress on Broadway, in regional theater, and in the film Santa Claus Conquers the Martians , she came to national attention in 1981 when, following her starring role in the highly criticized Butterfly, she won a Golden Globe...
Golden Buckeye
Golden Buckeye
The Golden Buckeye program is a free service of the Ohio Department of Aging. Ohio citizens age 60 and over automatically qualify for membership in the program and receive a Golden Buckeye card in the mail. Adults age 18 to 59 years old with disabilities as defined by Social Security also qualify...
Retirement Community in Pisgah, a community outside Cincinnati, where he lives with his dog, the Amazing Crepso. He was married to his wife, Iona Gnarley, for 35 years before, reportedly, she was killed by a falling crate of life rafts. [In one bit, Gilbert's wife's name was Euletta Gnarley.] Gilbert's room mate is named Myron Flats, and has a malicious sense of humor and a flatulence problem. On 21 December 2007, Gnarley was taken out of retirement and received a call from Myron Flatts, F-L-A-T-T-S from the Pisgah Decency League while working at Toys 'R' Us... Never to be heard from again.
All bits are G-rated, and the humor stems from the sympathy of the victims for this exceedingly polite though confused gentleman, not from any sort of shock value. Appropriately, the theme music was Romance
Romance (music)
The term romance has a centuries-long history. Applied to narrative ballads in Spain, it came to be used by the 18th century for simple lyrical pieces not only for voice, but also for instruments alone. During the 18th and 19th centuries Russian composers developed the French variety of the...
from the Gadfly Suite
The Gadfly Suite
The Gadfly Suite, Op. 97a, is a suite for orchestra arranged from the composition by Dmitri Shostakovich for the 1955 Soviet film The Gadfly, based on the novel of the same name by Ethel Lilian Voynich .The Suite known as Op...
by Dmitri Shostakovich
Dmitri Shostakovich
Dmitri Dmitriyevich Shostakovich was a Soviet Russian composer and one of the most celebrated composers of the 20th century....
.
Calls
- A telefacsimile machine supplier, to complain that a casino had refused to accept money sent by fax.
- Fireworks stores and toy stores before July 4Independence Day (United States)Independence Day, commonly known as the Fourth of July, is a federal holiday in the United States commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, declaring independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain...
and ChristmasChristmasChristmas or Christmas Day is an annual holiday generally celebrated on December 25 by billions of people around the world. It is a Christian feast that commemorates the birth of Jesus Christ, liturgically closing the Advent season and initiating the season of Christmastide, which lasts twelve days...
, respectively, as a member of the Pisgah Decency League (PDL, pronounced "piddle") to make sure they do not carry any items on a list that PDL has determined to be "offensive". All items are imaginary, and carry ridiculous dangerous-sounding names such as Raggedy-Ann Lip-Lock Lesbos. - Johnson & JohnsonJohnson & JohnsonJohnson & Johnson is an American multinational pharmaceutical, medical devices and consumer packaged goods manufacturer founded in 1886. Its common stock is a component of the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the company is listed among the Fortune 500....
about K-Y JellyK-Y JellyK-Y Jelly is a water-based, water-soluble personal lubricant produced by Johnson & Johnson. According to the company, "The origins of the brand name 'K-Y' are unknown...
(which he referred to as "Kentucky Jelly"), explaining that he enjoyed their tasty product on toast, although the flavor was slightly lacking. He also inquired about recipes. - The White HouseWhite HouseThe White House is the official residence and principal workplace of the president of the United States. Located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW in Washington, D.C., the house was designed by Irish-born James Hoban, and built between 1792 and 1800 of white-painted Aquia sandstone in the Neoclassical...
as a salesman of aluminum siding, asking to speak to "the man of the house," offering great deals and specials on new colored siding. - A city water company, to explain that while practicing a Sound of Music-type dance in anticipation of obtaining a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, he accidentally flung coins for his bus fare, and was calling to see if they had located the coins yet.
- A psychic, asking her to interpret the behavior of his dog, The Amazing Crepso. (Barking and kicking his food dish, scratching at the door, etc.)
- The "Living Spiritual Master Who Can Answer All Your Questions and Change Your Life," to ask the answer to a crossword puzzle. ("What is a four-letter word describing a lumpy object ending in -urd.") Gilbert frequently referred to him as "The Living Spiritual Master Who Can Answer All My Questions and Change My Life" and successfully irritated the accented "Spiritual Master" into hanging up.
- The CIA to inquire about becoming a spy, explaining that his skills were spying on fellow residents of the retirement home (using a drinking glass, which Gilbert explained, works best when empty) and knowing all the words to Johnny RiversJohnny RiversJohnny Rivers is an American rock and roll singer, songwriter, guitarist, and record producer. His styles include folk songs, blues, and revivals of old-time rock 'n' roll songs and some original material...
' song "Secret Agent Man." - The Rush LimbaughRush LimbaughRush Hudson Limbaugh III is an American radio talk show host, conservative political commentator, and an opinion leader in American conservatism. He hosts The Rush Limbaugh Show which is aired throughout the U.S. on Premiere Radio Networks and is the highest-rated talk-radio program in the United...
program to provide his condolences to Rush for not winning the St. Pia Zadora Golden Buckeye Retirement Community's annual spamSpam (food)Spam is a canned precooked meat product made by the Hormel Foods Corporation, first introduced in 1937. The labeled ingredients in the classic variety of Spam are chopped pork shoulder meat, with ham meat added, salt, water, modified potato starch as a binder, and sodium nitrite as a preservative...
contest, wherein a statue made of spam is created of a figure which most represents the ideals of spam. Rush Limbaugh was in second place, with the winner being Jerry Van DykeJerry Van DykeJerry Van Dyke is an American comedian and actor. He is the younger brother of comedian and actor Dick Van Dyke, and made his acting debut on The Dick Van Dyke Show with several guest appearances as Rob Petrie's brother, Stacey...
. - The M&MM&MM&M may refer to:* M&M's, a chocolate confectionery coated with hard candy shell* Eminem, stage name of rap artist Marshall Mathers III* "M+M's", a song by the American band Blink-182 from Cheshire Cat...
Company, to explain his concern that less than half of the M&M's coming out of the package were actual M's. (Some of them were letter W's, with a few being strange-looking E's.) In a similar but different call, he complained that someone was counterfeiting M&Ms because he noticed they only had one "M" on them, and figured authentic "M&Ms" should have two M's. - Sinus-spray makers, in a slightly muffled voice, explaining that he had accidentally confused his sinus spray with super glue, and now his nose was glued shut.
- Salad dressing makers, to inquire what the SPF sunscreen factor was for their products.
- A funeral home, to arrange for the body of his wife Iona to be displayed inside a food buffet, claiming that he had invented the salad bar, but failed to get a patent in time.
- A phone sex hotline, to explain that he had a weakness for...food. Each time the female on the line tried to turn the conversation to more erotic topics, Gilbert continually reverted to talking about food.
- The White House to offer the Reagan family assistance during their move out of the residence at the end of the President's term...as well as advice to the Secret Service on how to distinguish a piece of "Chiclet" gum from a ruby ring worn by Mrs. Reagan...(the gum turns white when licked)
- Sears and Roebuck regarding the price and availability of a "carpet mower", since he assumed they offered such a tool since his shag carpeting had begun to grow
- Complain to Hasbro (?) the maker of Barbie, after hearing his granddaughter's doll state that "Math is hard". "Math isn't hard"..."you know what's hard? Fighting the Japanese in 100 degree heat in WWII! That's hard! Not math!"
- repeatedly return several calls to Milwaukee Zoo, (on April Fool's Day) after receiving "messages" from a Ms. Ellie Font, a Mr. P. Cocke, etc...and finally a Mr. Madagascarian Fruit Bat...
- A psychic explaining that he has misplaced a winning lottery ticket
- The John Birch SocietyJohn Birch SocietyThe John Birch Society is an American political advocacy group that supports anti-communism, limited government, a Constitutional Republic and personal freedom. It has been described as radical right-wing....
offering his appreciation and asking if he may join. He asks if they offer advice on growing [birch] trees - A call to the Niagara Starch company when accidentally confusing their product as Viagra Starch, complimenting them on the use of the word 'fabric' to describe the male member.
- A call to the Butterball Turkey hotline to complain that the turkey had a colostomy evidenced by the bag in its internal cavity.
- A call to the Nashville Tourism Bureau to plan a trip for the senior citizens. Asking to see several sites he was assured it was all possible, then he asked to see Porter Waggoner's grave. Silence on the line ... 'sir, Porter Waggoner is not dead' ... Gilbert expressed that so many seniors would be disappointed and asked when a trip might be scheduled to see the gravesite.
- A call to a local elementary school principal to ask for forgiveness for leaving school early after being sent to the principal's office on 7 December 1941 after learning of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.
- A call to local ER with wax paper over comb rattling as he spoke, asking if is he should get the kazoo he swallowed at a particularly exciting "Red's Kazoo Night" at Riverfront Stadium the previous night removed.