It's not easy being a man! Oh no... I had to get dressed today... and there are other pressures.

Don't clap, I'm not a fucking jazz band.

As Bernard Black, the anti-social, chain smoking and heavy drinking owner of fictional bookshop Black Books, with Manny (played by Bill Bailey) and Fran (played by Tamsin Greig).

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

In reply to Manny, played by Bill Bailey's Question: Do you think I should wash my beard?

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

Whores will have their trinkets.

In the episode, The Grapes of Wrath: Manny- You are a filth wizard. Friend only to the pig and the rat. Ugh. Look? (opening an old box of pizza) Bernard- Pizza. I was going to warm it and eat it later. Everybody does that. That's normal. You are just looking for things to complain about. Manny- And what are these? Bernard- ...wasps.

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.