SpongeBob SquarePants Quotations

SpongeBob SquarePants is a TV series that premiered in 1999 on Nickelodeon. It is one of the most popular Nicktoons. It later spanned a movie.

Ripped Pants [1.2a]

SpongeBob: [to a fish roasting marshmallows] Could I borrow a couple of these?

Fish: [with his mouth full] Mm-hmmm. [crams another marshmallow into his mouth]

[SpongeBob is trying to lift "weights" to impress the crowd]

SpongeBob: And now, with the addition of two-count 'em-two marshmallows!

[Fish hits a volleyball in the air]

SpongeBob: I got it! Incoming! [SpongeBob tries to catch it, but it just hits his hand and slides down]

Crowd: Boo!

SpongeBob: [reaches down to get volleyball and rips his pants] Whoops... I guess I ripped my pants again!

SpongeBob: Hey Sandy, how about throwing it to me?

Sandy: Okay, here it comes! [throws Frisbee, which knocks SpongeBob out]

SpongeBob: I could use a hand here!

Sandy: [runs over to SpongeBob and helps him up] You okay, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: I guess so...except I ripped my pants!

Lou: May I help you?

SpongeBob: I'll take a banana split.

Lou: Uh, we don't have that.

SpongeBob: That's okay, I already split my pants! Get it?

Lou: [sarcastically] Tee hee. Anything else?

SpongeBob: How about...ripple?! [shows the rip in his pants] No thanks, already got one!

SpongeBob: Is that a burger you're eating?

Customer: Why, yes it is.

SpongeBob: You know what would go good with that?

Customer: No, what?

SpongeBob: Ripped...pants! [shows the rip in his pants and runs around store] Ripped Pants a la mode! [rips pants]

SpongeBob: Delivery!

[The chef looks at SpongeBob]

SpongeBob: Did you order twenty cases of...ripped pants?! [shows the rip in his pants through a cardboard box]

Perch Perkins: And there's SpongeBob, ripping his...pants again. [a wave swallows SpongeBob and he is washed ashore]

Lifeguard: Hey look, a cardboard box washed up on the beach. [looks at him through a telescope] Holy fish paste, it's a guy! [runs to SpongeBob and turns him over] Why! Why! Why!

Sandy: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: [to Lifeguard] Come closer. I need...I need...

Lifeguard: [tearfully] What do you need?

SpongeBob: A tailor...because I ripped my pants!

SpongeBob: [comes out of tent] Not ripped pants... [pulls off pants] Pants ripped off! Ah? Ah? Someone call the police, there's a pants thief on the loose! [realizes that the crowd is on the other side off the beach] Oh no! Everybody's gone, even Sandy! She'd rather hang out with Larry! Oh no, no, no, no. We blew it, pants.

Pants: What do you mean "we"? [walks away]

[Lyrics to the song "Ripped Pants"]

SpongeBob: [spoken] I thought that I had everybody on my side

But I went and blew it all sky-high

And now she won't even spare a passing glance

All just because I ripped my pants

Band Members: [singing] When Big Larry came 'round just to put him down

SpongeBob turned into a clown

And no girl ever wants to dance

With a fool who went and ripped his pants

SpongeBob: [singing in a beautiful, heart-stopping voice]

I know I shouldn't mope around, I shouldn't curse

But the pain feels so much worse

Cause windin' up with no one is a lot less fun

Than a burn from the sun

Band Members: [singing] Or sand in your buns

SpongeBob: [singing] Now I learned a lesson I won't soon forget

So listen and you won't regret

Be true to yourself, don't miss your chance

All: [singing] And you won't end up like the fool who ripped his pants

[Crowd cheers]

Sandy: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Sandy!

[Sandy and SpongeBob hug]

Sandy: Your song was true. If you wanna be my friend, just be yourself.

Larry the Lobster: SpongeBob! That song was so righteous! Would you...sign my pants?

SpongeBob: Sure thing, buddy. [starts to sign Larry's pants, but his underwear rips off. He covers his private part. There is a whistle]

Jellyfishing [1.3a]

Squidward: I can't think of anything I'd love to do more on my day off than go jellyfishing with my two best friends, SpongeBob and, uh...

Patrick: Patrick.

Squidward: Right...but I can't. Bye-bye.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are welcoming Squidward home from the hospital]

SpongeBob: Welcome home, Squidward!

Patrick: Merry Christmas!

[SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to think of ways to make Squidward's day the "best day ever"]

Patrick: How about some soup on your best day ever?

[Squidward scowls at his bowl of soup, in which the letters spell "BEST DAY EVER". Patrick picks up a spoon]

Patrick: Here we go!

[Patrick scoops up a spoonful of soup and offers it to Squidward, who refuses]

Patrick: Oh, it's a little hot.

[He blows a little too hard on the soup, and the soup ends up flying into Squidward's bandaged face. Realizing that the spoon is empty, Patrick scoops up more soup and inadvertently blows it into Squidward's face again. This continues until finally SpongeBob takes the bowl away]

SpongeBob: Uh, I don't think soup is the best thing for him on his best day ever. [motioning towards Squidward's prized clarinet] How about some music on your best day ever, played on your very own clarinet?

[SpongeBob takes Squidward's clarinet and blows hard, only to produce a terrible, ear-splitting noise]

SpongeBob: Sorry. My lips are a little dry...

[He spends the next few moments licking his lips, until they are completely wet with his saliva. Just as SpongeBob is about to have another go on the clarinet, Patrick snatches the clarinet away]

Patrick: Music isn't best either!

Patrick: Firmly grasp it in your hand. [Squidward drops jellyfishing net] Firmly grasp it. [Squidward drops jellyfishing net again] Firmly grasp it! [forces the jellyfishing net through the cast and onto Squidward's hand, who screams muffled]

Plankton! [1.3b]

SpongeBob: [to Squidward with a French accent] Oui, oui, one Krabby Patty monsieur.

Plankton: Hey, let me go!

Mr. Krabs: Oh, I'll let you go, squirt. On a flying saucer!

SpongeBob: Plankton, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Aye, he's been trying to steal me secret formula for years. [shouting to Plankton] But you haven't got it yet, have ye, bug?

Plankton: Any last words, SpongeBob SecretPants?

SpongeBob: [realizing it's no use to fight] I just have to say I'm sorry I let Mr. Krabs down. I let all of Bikini Bottom down. [tears fill his eyes and leak down his face] But worst of all, I let you down, you delicate little Krabby Patty...with your tasty, juicy, scrumptious, warm, steaming goodness...

Plankton: [enticed] Steaming?

SpongeBob: [sadly] I'll never forget your one-hundred-percent all-secret patty, secretly assembled with undersea cheese, pickles, lettuce, tomato, onion, all secretly steaming between two fluffy seaweed sea buns.

Plankton: [drooling] Yes. YES! [dives out of SpongeBob's head] Come to Papa! [bounces off the top bun and falls into the analyzer] Oh, boy.

Karen: Plankton. 1% Evil. 99% Hot Gas.

Plankton: (Music) ♫Letters of the alphabet A. B. C.♫ (Flips record) HA HA HA HA HA!

Karen: Seaweed: 50% Sea, 50% Weed.

[While SpongeBob is walking home]

SpongeBob: Plankton? What are you doing here?

Plankton: I just want to talk. You could say we're friends, right?

SpongeBob: Um...no.

Plankton: Acquaintances?

SpongeBob: No.

Plankton: [thinks] Well, we're both invertebrates, aren't we?

SpongeBob: I...guess so.

Plankton: You see? Everything works out.

[After SpongeBob finds out that Plankton has taken control of his brain]

SpongeBob: Get out of my head! Leave my brain alone!

Plankton: [through SpongeBob] Never! NEVER! [laughs maniacally and backs away, Squidward keels over in a dead faint]

[Upon entering the deserted Chum Bucket]

SpongeBob: There's no one here.

Plankton: Don't remind me.

Plankton: Hear me Krabs, when I discover your formula for Krabby Patties, I'll run you out of business! I WENT TO COLLEGE!

Plankton: [chasing rolling brain] Get back here, you swine! [chases brain until it stops rolling] That's it brain, you're goin' down! [duct tapes brain]

Plankton: SpongeBob, that’s my Krabby Patty! (SpongeBob walks out and the doors swing open and close a few times) Give it back you porous freak! I command you! My patty! No!! I’ll settle for some fries.

Naughty Nautical Neighbors [1.4a]

[SpongeBob and Patrick are playing a game in which they whisper messages to each other using bubbles. SpongeBob dips his bubble wand into his bottle of bubble mix, thinks a moment, then whispers a message into his bubble. The bubble floats to Patrick and pops, and SpongeBob's message is revealed]

SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick.

[Patrick giggles, then dips his own wand into his own bottle, then shoves the wand into his mouth and takes it out before dipping it into his bottle again and whispering his own message to SpongeBob. The bubble floats to SpongeBob and pops, revealing Patrick's message]

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob.

[SpongeBob laughs, much to Squidward's annoyance]

SpongeBob: [into his bubble] Patrick, you're my best friend in the whole neighborhood.

[Squidward whispers a message into his own bubble, and the bubble replaces SpongeBob's bubble and floats on to Patrick]

Squidward: [as SpongeBob] Patrick, you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know.

[Patrick doesn't look happy at the moment he hears the message. He dips his wand into his bottle and whispers a message. It floats over to SpongeBob]

Patrick: Do you really think that, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: [into his bubble] Of course, Patrick! Anyone with eyes could see that!

Patrick: [a bubble floats to SpongeBob and pops] Yeah, well, I think you're ugly! Yellow is ugly! [blows a raspberry, then blows a shorter raspberry]

SpongeBob: [into his bubble very confused] Patrick, what are you talking about?

Squidward: [disguised as Patrick] SpongeBob, I no longer wish to know you. You give bottom dwellers a bad name! If I had a dollar for every brain you don't have, I'd have one dollar!

Squidward: [disguised as SpongeBob] Hey Patrick! I heard there was a job opening down at the pet shop, as some newspaper!

Patrick: [shouting] Well, that makes you a big dummy, you dummy!

SpongeBob: Yeah, well that means uh...so are you!

Patrick: Then you're a turkey!

SpongeBob: What's that?!

Patrick: It's what you are!

SpongeBob: Yeah? Well, you're a bigger one!

Patrick: Well, you're still yellow! And do you know what else is yellow?!

SpongeBob: WHAT?!

Patrick: YOU ARE!

SpongeBob: YEAH?! WELL IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU CALL ME 'CAUSE I NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN ANYWAY!

[Squidward has accidentally swallowed his fork, and now his windpipe is blocked]

Patrick: Wow! Squidward, you're choking! I know what to do, but I should wash my hands first... Oh well.

[Squidward left SpongeBob and Patrick alone in his house, and came back from the store to find his house completely destroyed, all that is left is bluish rubble]

Squidward: What a surprise. I invited them in, and I left them alone. Well, Squidward, what have we learned today?

SpongeBob: [singing] Squidward is my best friend in the world. [starts playing the bassinet very badly] Squidward is my best friend in the sea. [starts playing the bassinet very badly again. He lets go of his bow and the bow flies into a picture of Squidward]

Squidward: Aaah! [growls and breaks the bow in half on his knee]

SpongeBob: [singing] Squidward... [is playing the bassinet like a guitar]

Patrick: [poking his head inside] ...likes Patrick more than SpongeBob.

[Spongebob slams the door in Patrick's face]

Patrick: OOMF!

SpongeBob: And Patrick is a dirty, stinky, rotten friend stealer! [hits the bassinet against the floor and it breaks] Um... I can fix this.

[Squidward kicks SpongeBob out of his house]

SpongeBob: So uh... I'll see you tomorrow, Squidward? Call me!

SpongeBob: Guess what, Squidward?

Patrick: Me and Spongebob are friends again!

Squidward: Great. Go be friends somewhere else.

SpongeBob: Don't you want us to help you clean this up a little?

Squidward: NO! OUT!

SpongeBob: Psst. I think he's jealous.

Patrick: How pathetic.

Squidward: [growls, slams his door, a nearby bubble pops into it and the door falls on Squidward] Ohh, my back!

Boating School [1.4b]

[at the beginning of SpongeBob's 38th boating test]

Mrs. Puff: First we must--

SpongeBob: First I must pass the oral exam! I am confident in my abilities to successfully succeed.

Mrs. Puff: I know. Okay. Number one, what is the front of the boat?

SpongeBob: The bow.

Mrs. Puff: What is the back?

SpongeBob: Stern!

Mrs. Puff: Number three. Right is--

SpongeBob: Starboard! [answering the remaining questions] Port, skipper, deck, cabin, gally, keel, 1924!

Mrs. Puff: You've passed the oral test. What a surprise. Now, it's time to once again take the driving portion of the exam. Okay, SpongeBob...get in the boat.

SpongeBob: Oh, wha...in this boat? Right here? [looks at watch nervously] Is it time already?

Mrs. Puff: Get in the boat, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Oh, yeah, absolutely. [gets into boat and closes eyes with a smile, confidently]

Mrs. Puff: All you have to do is get on the track. [SpongeBob's eyes spring open in awe as he looks down the track which becomes longer and longer in delusion] Okay, SpongeBob. What's the first thing you do?

SpongeBob: 1924?

Mrs. Puff: No...no. First thing is to...start the boat. [Mrs. Puff turns it on as SpongeBob begins to shake and scream hysterically] SpongeBob! SpongeBob! Relax! It's only the boat.

SpongeBob: [stops] The boat?

Mrs. Puff: Okay, now, what do you do next?

SpongeBob: Floor it?

Mrs. Puff: Yes-- no! No! Don't floor it!

SpongeBob: Floor it?!

Mrs. Puff: No, no, don't, don't floor it!

SpongeBob: Okay, floor it! [kicks down on the gas pedal as the boat begins to go in reverse at high speeds, Mrs. Puff and SpongeBob screaming, "no, no, no!" and "floor it!" respectively. The boat crashes into a lighthouse, breaking off the upper half of it. Mrs. Puff puffs up]

Mrs. Puff: [deep voice] Oh, SpongeBob...WHYYYYYY?????!!!!!

Off-Screen Fish: My leg!

[at the beginning of SpongeBob's 39th boating test]

Patrick: [through radio] Pat to Sponge. Pat to Sponge. Testing, testing. Testing, testing, testing, testing... TESTING! TEST! TEST! DO YOU READ?!

SpongeBob: Sponge to Pat, I read you loud and clear.

Patrick: Got your apple ready? [SpongeBob takes out apple] Lucky undergarments? [adjusting telescope] Hold on, hold on. [sees SpongeBob wearing underpants that say "LUCKY"] Bingo! Underwear, Apple, and Me! You're ready to get that license!

Mrs. Puff: No, no! Don't floor it!

SpongeBob: Floor it? Okay, floor it! [almost floors the boat]

Patrick: Freeze, mister! Big toe.

[SpongeBob's big toe slides out and he floors the boat slowly]

[near the end of the driving test]

SpongeBob: I'm cheating, Mrs. Puff! I'm cheating!

Mrs. Puff: It's okay, SpongeBob! You can cheat! Cheat that way! [points towards the finish line]

SpongeBob: NO! I'm cheating!

Pizza Delivery [1.5a]

Squidward: Let go of the pizza!

SpongeBob: No! It's for the customer!

Squidward: Who cares about the customer?

SpongeBob: I do!

Squidward: Well, I don't!

SpongeBob: [wind stops momentarily, SpongeBob gasps] Squidward! [blown away by the wind]

[SpongeBob has backed the boat all the way out into the wilderness]

SpongeBob: Backing up! Backing up! Backing up!

[The engine sputters and dies, and the boat slows to a halt. SpongeBob is seen clutching the steering wheel, his eyes wide and his pupils fixed]

SpongeBob: Backing up...

Squidward: Well, you backed up. And you know what? I think we're out of gas. [climbs out of the boat] And you know what else? WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!

SpongeBob: [approaches Squidward with the pizza] And you know what else, else? I think the pizza's getting cold.

Squidward: [mock alarm] AND the pizza's cold?! Oh, the pizza's cold! Not the pizza! [genuine anger] Oh, how can it get any worse?

[Squidward kicks the boat angrily. The needle on the gas gauge points to FULL, and the boat springs to life and zooms away, leaving SpongeBob and Squidward all alone in the wilderness]

[SpongeBob and Squidward are making their way through the wilderness]

Squidward: Ow, ow, ow...

SpongeBob: [singing] The Krusty Krab Pizza is the pizza for you and me! The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza--

Squidward: And my feet are killing me.

Squidward: SpongeBob, that's just a stupid boulder!

SpongeBob: It's not just a boulder! It's a rock! [begins weeping] It's a rock. [sobbing] A roock! A roock! A rooock!

[Squidward looks on with disgust]

SpongeBob: [climbing on top of the boulder] It's a big, beautiful, old rock! Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles! And it's in great shape.

Squidward: SpongeBob! Will you forget the stupid pioneers? Have you ever noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchhikers, ate coral, and took directions from algae! And now you're telling me they thought they could drive-- [SpongeBob drives the rock over him, squashing him flat into the ground] ...rocks?

[SpongeBob and Squidward are walking in the wilderness]

SpongeBob: [singing] The Krusty Krab Pizza is the pizza, absolutivally! [making spitting sounds] The pbbth-pbbb-pbbh pizza pbbbbh-pbbbh pizza, pbb-pbbbh-ooga-bah-bah... [muttering rhythmically] The [mumbling] pizza [mumbling] pizza [mumbling] pizza... [with voice of Otto from The Simpsons] Krusty Krraaaaaaaaabbb pizza is the pizza, yeah-ah-ah, for you and [high pitched] MEEEEEEEEE!

[SpongeBob and Squidward are totally lost in the wilderness, and are becoming worn out and hungry]

Squidward: Sponge, we've gotta eat something!

SpongeBob: I heard that in times of hardship, the pioneers would eat coral.

[Squidward grabs a piece of coral and crams it into his mouth]

SpongeBob: No, wait, it wasn't coral.

[Squidward spits the coral out]

SpongeBob: Maybe it was sand...no, mud...

Squidward: Gimme the pizza!

SpongeBob: Wait, I remember now! It was coral!

[Squidward marches up to Tom's house and bangs on the door]

Tom: Another one? Look, I told your little friend I ain't paying for that!

Squidward: Well, this one's on the house! [hurls the pizza into Tom's face. Later he approaches SpongeBob, who is sprawled face down on the ground in a pool of tears]

SpongeBob: [looking up tearfully] Did he change his mind?

Squidward: He sure did. Ate the whole thing in one bite.

Squidward: Oh, my aching tentacles!

Home Sweet Pineapple [1.5b]

Squidward: SpongeBob, is it time already for you to ruin my day?

Patrick: Is it time already to ruin Squid's day? Don't start without me!

SpongeBob: Yeah, I like sleep overs.

Squidward: [half asleep] Yeah, me too.

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy [1.6a]

SpongeBob: Do you remember the time the food supply in Atlantis was running low!? So you invented a ray gun that made things grow six times their size to shoot at the kelp gardens? But then, the evil Manray swoops down and swipes the gun away and starts shooting all the algae! [imitates firing a gun] And he globs onto the undersea dome! [falls onto a table] And he starts sucking on the glass! [drools as he speaks, his mouth on the table. He then notices the annoyed senior who is at the same table and sucks his drool back]

Barnacle Boy: What's your point, kid?

SpongeBob: You guys are the greatest heroes of all time and I think you should come out of retirement.

Mermaid Man: I did it! I feel five years younger! Oh, it's good to be back!

Barnacle Boy: [kindly] We did it, ya old coot.

Mermaid Man: Who are you?

Mermaid Man: [to SpongeBob] Listen up you villains, I wanna eat my meatloaf. If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife!

Clerk: [bursts in] What is going on in here?!

Mermaid Man: [looks at clerk but points to Spongebob] You may kiss the bride!

[The clerk throws SpongeBob out while wedding music plays. SpongeBob rolls all the way back to his home where Patrick is waiting]

Patrick: Did you reunite our heroes?

SpongeBob: No. But I'm married.

SpongeBob: [wearing a dress, speaking in heavy feminine country accent] Oh, my. This purse is so big and heavy.

Patrick: [wearing robber garb] Hold it right there, ma’am. I’ll be taking that! [grabs purse]

SpongeBob: [screams] Hay-ulp! Hay-ulp! Hay-ulp! [Barnacle Boy stomps over]

Patrick: [hiding] It's working!

SpongeBob: Why, are you here to rescue little ol' me?

Barnacle Boy: PIPE DOWN! You're gonna wake Mermaid Man and he's ornery when his nap is disturbed. [Mermaid Man is seen with his face frozen in place]

SpongeBob: Ever alert, Mermaid Man has trained himself to sleep with his eyes open!

Barnacle Boy: Confound it! Get away from him!

Mermaid Man: [to Barnacle Boy] STOP SHOUTIN'! I'M NAPPIN'!

Barnacle Boy: IT'S NOT ME, YA OL' COOT!!!!!!

Barnacle Boy: Time to come out of retirement! There's evil afoot!

Mermaid Man: EVIL! Where is it?

Barnacle Boy: [pointing to SpongeBob and Patrick] There it is! You know what this means? [opens box containing their rings]

Mermaid Man: Donuts!

Mermaid Man: [about SpongeBob] Here comes the TV repairman.

Pickles [1.6b]

SpongeBob: I anything can't do right, since because pickles.

Squidward: Let me guess, Tiny. A small salad?

Bubble Bass: I'll take a double triple barfy deluxe, on a raft, four by four, animal style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease. Make it cry, burn it and let it swim.

[Squidward stops writing the order after Bubble Bass begins to say "Make it cry"]

Squidward: We serve food here, sir.

Bubble Bass: I believe you owe me two bucks.

Mr. Krabs: TWO BUCKS?!

Bubble Bass: Your guarantee.

[the camera zooms in on the Krusty Krab's menu and shows in microscopic print "money back guarantee"]

Squidward: Twelve Krabby Patties on wheat buns.

[SpongeBob whips up a dozen Krabby Patties at top speed]

SpongeBob: One dozen cryin' cows on the farm, up!

Squidward: [flatly] Thanks, Farmer Brown.Pikles!!!

Squidward: It's been a thrill serving you.

Customer: Could I get some extra salt?

Squidward: We're all out.

Customer: Could you check?

Squidward: No.

[Customer walks away offended]

SpongeBob: Wait a minute! [seizes Bubble Bass' tongue and holds it up for all to see] Look, he's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!

Mr. Krabs: And there's the pickles from last time, too!

Lady: And there's my car keys!

[The angry crowd surrounds Bubble Bass on every side]

Bubble Bass: [nervously] And...there's my ride!

[Bubble Bass bolts out of the Krusty Krab]

Hall Monitor [1.7a]

Patrick: SpongeBob! I see him!

SpongeBob: Where is he, Patrick?

Patrick: At the intersection of Conch and Coral. [SpongeBob turns to see the street signs "Conch" and "Coral"]

SpongeBob: He's right on top of me, but I can’t see him! What's he doing?

Patrick: Um, he's just standing there...menacingly! [over walkie-talkie] GET OUT OF THERE, SPONGEBOB!

SpongeBob: YYYYAAAAAHHHHH!

Patrick: That's his maniac screech. He's going to attack! [SpongeBob is running around in circles crying] He's actin' all crazy! Run! Hide behind that building! [SpongeBob does so] No, he's behind that building! Quick, hide behind that street sign! [SpongeBob does] No wait! The maniac just went behind that sign! Quick! Get under the street light! [SpongeBob does] No wait, he's there too! Run for your life! [SpongeBob jumps inside a mailbox. Relieved, he relaxes. He hears interference on his walkie-talkie, and answers it]

SpongeBob: Say again, deputy?

Patrick: The maniac's in the mailbox!

SpongeBob: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! [runs around in the mailbox, demolishing some buildings]

[A "Wanted Sign" with SpongeBob's picture on it falls in SpongeBob's hands]

SpongeBob: Huh... This guy’s not half-bad-looking for a maniac... wait a minute, Patrick. I'm the maniac! [holds up wanted sign]

Patrick: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[As SpongeBob's walking down the street]

SpongeBob: I'm on patrol, I'm on patrol, I'm on patroooll. [stops as he sees puddle of ice cream on the ground] Vandals! Another crime. [scoops up a glob of ice cream with his finger and tastes it] Hmmm...strawberry. I must act! [ice cream falls on his head. Patrick is sitting on the wall above him eating ice cream] Patrick! [Patrick looks around confused] Patrick! [He then looks at his ice cream] Patrick!

Patrick: My ice cream! It's alive! AAAAHHHHHHH! [drops ice cream onto SpongeBob's face]

(Mrs. Puff is broadcasting live to her class from jail.)

Mrs. Puff: Remember class, red means stop, and green means go. And Spongebob?

SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff: I'd like to see you after class, six months from now!

Sandy's Rocket [1.8a]

Patrick: Pardon my French, but GET THIS THING OFF ME!

SpongeBob: Sandy, Sandy, Sandy. How can you be so naive? There's evidence all around us. How do you explain Atlantis? Cowlicks? 99 cent stores? And how about those mysterious circles that show up in Kelp Fields over night? [circles her, drawing a circle with his shoes, then points at it] DAAH! There's one now!

SpongeBob: Stop, Patrick! Can't you see this is all a trick? The aliens are projecting our memories onto the environment. They're trying to confuse us, Patrick.

Patrick: So you mean to say that they've taken what we thought we think and are making us think our thoughts we've been thinking the thoughts we think that we thought...I think?

Patrick: [points at Squidward's hot water bottle] SpongeBob, what's that thing? [SpongeBob pulls it out; Patrick holds his nose] I think I'm gonna be sick!

SpongeBob: Patrick, do you know what this thing is?

Patrick: Stinky!

SpongeBob: No, it's an egg sac. Let's look at the embryo. [Patrick shines a flashlight on it; SpongeBob's hands are illuminated]

SpongeBob & Patrick: Twins...

SpongeBob: So, you were an alien all the time, and you didn't even tell me!

Patrick: I didn't even know!

SpongeBob: Yeah? Well I got you now!

Patrick: Oh, but it's not you that's got me, it's-- [popping noise; Patrick has captured himself] ...me that's got me!

SpongeBob: The moon! Can I go?

Sandy: No way, SpongeBob. Especially with your little mishap with my whirlybird. [shown a graveyard of dead animals]

Squeaky Boots [1.8b]

Mr. Krabs: It's not the boots, it's the booty! Err, um, the person in the boots! You're a great fry cook, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: You really think so, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: I do, son. [gives SpongeBob money] Here's your paycheck, SpongeBob. [gives more money] Plus, a bonus! [takes bonus back] Well, there's your paycheck anyway... I need a vacation.

[Squidward storms out of the Krusty Krab, accidentally hitting Mr. Krabs in the face as he bursts through the front doors]

Squidward: That's it, Mr. Krabs! I'm taking my vacation now!

Mr. Krabs: [with his face pressed against the glass of the door] What's wrong, Mr. Squidward?

Squidward: I can't take The World's Greatest Fry Cook anymore! I'll see you in a week.

Mr. Krabs: What would you like?

Tom: I'll take a [squeak].

Mr. Krabs: What did you say?

Tom: I said, I'll take a [squeak].

SpongeBob: I heard his order, Mr. Krabs, he said he wants the [squeak].

Mr. Krabs: Huh?! [montage which leads to Krabs going insane]

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBoy, me Bob!

Mr. Krabs: That squeakin' is money to my ears...I mean music.

Nature Pants [1.9a]

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob...SpongeBob? Wake up, boy! You're burning me money!

Squidward: [about SpongeBob, who has decided to go live in the wild] He took off his pants.

Sandy: I'll give him a week.

Squidward: I'll give him eleven minutes.

Patrick: [on the verge of tears] Patrick SAD!

[Patrick approaches SpongeBob in Jellyfish Fields with a net]

SpongeBob: Patrick! What are you doing?

[Patrick looks at SpongeBob with tears in his eyes]

Patrick: If I can't have you as a friend, I'm going to make you a trophy! I even picked out this nice jar for you! [holds up mayonaise jar]

SpongeBob: Ah, my jellyfish brethren are returning.

[SpongeBob hugs Squidward followed by everyone else]

Squidward: Could we please stop?

Patrick: Patrick itchy!

Opposite Day [1.9b]

SpongeBob: [running into his bedroom] Gary! It's opposite day and-- [slows down] Walk, don't run...and I'm-- [thinks] Opposites. Opposites. I'm just going to lay in bed and do nothing all day. [gets in bed] Too bad it only comes once a year, huh Gary?

[Gary meows]

SpongeBob: Gary! Where's your holiday spirit?

[Gary barks]

Realtor: What kind of fool do you take me for?!?! [points to SpongeBob] He's Squidward, [points to Patrick] he's Squidward, [points to the real Squidward] you're Squidward?! I'M SQUIDWARD! Are there any more Squidwards I should know about?!

Gary: [wearing a pickle in between his eyes, in Squidward's tone] Meow.

Realtor: I'm outta here.

Squidward: Wait--

SpongeBob: --don't--

Patrick: --go!

Squidward: Opposite Day! Next time it's gonna be Go-Jump-off-a-Cliff Day.

SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! I mean, good bye, Squidward! Isn't opposite day...terrible!

Squidward: [from his house] I'll tell you what's terrible-- living next to you! You're the worst neighbor in history!

SpongeBob: Wow, that's the nicest thing Squidward's ever said to me!

SpongeBob & Patrick: Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you!

Squidward: Grr... Let me show you guys how much I hate you! [Squidward chases them with a bulldozer] Happy Opposite Day!

SpongeBob: Patrick, do you ever think Squidward likes us too much?

Culture Shock [1.10a]

Squidward: Now, you may be thinking this is your one shot at the big time. Well it's not. It's mine.

Gary: [reading poetry] Ahem... Meow, meow, meow...

Sandy: He has such a way with words.

Squidward: Welcome to the Bikini Bottom Talent Show, sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, because no one else would give it a home.

[Patrick bursts out laughing]

F.U.N [1.10b]

Mr. Krabs: Maybe the lad was right. Maybe Plankton's gone straight. [notices the Krabby Patty on the table is a cardboard prop] And maybe scallops'll fly out of me pants! [jumps into the boat that serves as the cash register stand, takes a pair of oars, and starts rowing it] Hang on, lad, I'm a-comin'!

Plankton: [on a robotic jellyfish] All knees will bow to Plankton, hail Plankton! I win, I WIN!

Plankton: That naive cube!

Plankton: [singing] F is for fire that burns down the whole town. U is for Uranium...bombs! N is for no survivors when you--

SpongeBob: Plankton!

SpongeBob: [singing] F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me! N is for anywhere, any time at all...

Chorus: Down here in the deep blue sea!

Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost [1.11b]

Squidward: Spongebob I have a confession to make. [takes off towel from his head]

SpongeBob: [gasps] You're...bald?!

Squidward: No, I'm not bald! I'm ALIVE!

SpongeBob: Hike Patrick, hike! [drops rock, which breaks in two] You just lost 3 points! [climbs up pole] 1, 2, 5! [stands on his head and blows a bubble in the shape of 'G7'] G7!

Patrick: G7?! King me, king me! [smashes into pole] I lose!

SpongeBob: But it's not Tuesday, Patrick!

Patrick: Tartar sauce!

Squidward: [shouting from his house] What are you invertebrates doing?! [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other, then at Squidward]

SpongeBob & Patrick: We don't know.

SpongeBob: Patrick, say that again.

Patrick: That again.

SpongeBob: No, the other thing.

Patrick: No, the other thing.

SpongeBob: No, what you said before when you--

Patrick: No, what you said before when you...

SpongeBob: Never mind! I've got an idea.

Patrick: Never mind! I've got an idea.

[SpongeBob looks at Patrick, annoyed]

SpongeBob: A grape, fresh from the vine, Your Ghostliness. [drops it into his mouth; rushes away and returns] A banana, peeled to your liking, Your Incorporealness. [drops it into his mouth]

Patrick: One watermelon [drops large watermelon into Squidward's mouth] fresh from the manure field, Your Spookiness!

Patrick: You know, you worry too much. The Patrick is here, and SpongeBob, I know a lot about head injuries, believe... [starts drooling and SpongeBob snaps his fingers] ...me.

SpongeBob: It's a comic book, and look at this: it's the origin on the Flying Dutchman. It says when he died they used his body as a window display. Now he haunts the seven seas because he was never put to rest. Well, don't you get it, Patrick?

Patrick: We're gonna go shopping?!

Squidward: Ow! What the heck was that?!

SpongeBob: Initiation! That was part one of your ceremony.

Squidward: Ceremony for what?

SpongeBob: We're going to put you to rest.

Squidward: I don’t want to be put to rest! All I want are those chores done! Now, did you clean the back room yet?

SpongeBob: Yeah.

Squidward: Oh, really?! I'm gonna go check. [walks off; opens the door and screams. Inside are SpongeBob and Patrick holding open the door to a coffin]

SpongeBob: Okay, get in!

Squidward: Are you crazy?! I'm not gettin' in that thing!

Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward. We all came as soon as we were sure you were dead.

The Chaperone [1.12]

[Mr. Krabs suggests that Pearl take SpongeBob to the prom]

Pearl: Aah! The fry cook! Do you know what that would do to my complexion? People will mistake me for a planetarium!

Mr. Krabs: What do you mean?

Pearl: I...don't...know! But I can't take him, Daddy. They'll kick me out of the Most-Frequently-Pictured-in-the-Yearbook Committee.

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, they would.

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what's wrong with Pearl?

Mr. Krabs: Her scurvy prom date stood her up, boy, and now she can't seem to find another.

Pearl: That's because there's only one fish in the sea as long, tan, and handsome as he is, and that's him!

SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, I'm a prom failure. I couldn't even get a date for my own junior prom.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: No, that was Patrick who brought his Mom.

[Pearl and SpongeBob get kicked out of the gym where the prom is being held after they make a total mess of everything]

Teenage Fish: Go wreck someone else's prom, will ya?

[Spongebob and Pearl are standing together outside Pearl's house, when suddenly Mr. Krabs bursts through the front door with a giant rake]

Mr. Krabs: Keep away from me precious little flower! [approaching a sea flower in his garden] You almost stepped on it.

Pearl: [to SpongeBob] Well, good night, Short-Yellow-and-Spongy.

Scaredy Pants [1.13a]

Squidward: I've come for your pickle.

SpongeBob: [after the Flying Dutchman runs away in fear, SpongeBob is shown entirely shaved, exposing his brain] Hey! What do you know? I scared him! [laughs]

[Everyone else runs out of the Krusty Krab, screaming]

SpongeBob: [walking outside with Patrick] It worked Patrick, I scared everybody!

Patrick: Yeah, I guess it was because of your pink hat.

SpongeBob: Pink hat? Oh, that's not a hat Patrick, that's my brain.

Patrick: Oh... [runs away screaming too]

SB-129 [1.14a]

Squidward: [rushed] I was in the future and then I was in the past, and then I was nowhere, and... You don't know how happy I am to see you guys!

SpongeBob: Does this mean you wanna go...jellyfishing?

Squidward: NO! Sheesh, who was the barnaclehead that invented that game anyway?

SpongeBob & Patrick: You are, Squidward! [laughs]

Squidward: ...I'm going back.

Narrator: Squidward is about to practice his clarinet, so get your earplugs ready.

SpongeTron: Everything is chrome in the future!

Squidward: Are the other letters of the alphabet involved here?

SpongeTron: Yep. All 486 of them.

Squidward: [lies down on the floor and starts spasming] FU-TURE! FU-TURE! FU-TURE!

Karate Choppers [1.14b]

Hot Sauce Drop: By the powers of naughtiness, I command this paticalaur drop of hot sauce to be really, really hot!

Squidward: SpongeBob, did you get the bathrooms mopped yet?

SpongeBob: Yes ma'am. I mean sir. I mean boss. I mean Poobah!

Mr. Krabs: Are you on some new allergy medication, boy?

SpongeBob: No, sir. Just practicing my karate, sir. Or kare-ah-tay, as some like to call it.

Mr. Krabs: Kare-ah-tay? You should be making me money-ay! With your spatu-lay!

SpongeBob: Aye-aye, Capi-tay!

Sandy: I love karate!

SpongeBob: I love Kare-ah-tay!

Mr. Krabs: I love money-ay!

Squidward: I hate all of you.

SpongeBob: Thought you could sneak up on me at work, did you? Well, you can't! Because I'm fast, I'm mean, and I can do this! [swivels hands around, hisses, and walks away] Took care of her, yes I did. [runs into Mr. Krabs] Uh, ahoy, sir!

Mr. Krabs: What was that?

SpongeBob: But sir, she snuck up on me. In my own dojo!

SpongeBob: I know! We can pretend to be plants! [lies down on his back and pretents to be a plant] Photosynthesis, photosynthesis, photosynthesis...

SpongeBob: ...pile of cans? Mmm-mmm, Sandy, that is your worst disguise yet.

Sandy: No it's not, SpongeBob. [shows a squirrel mask] This is!

Sleepy Time [1.15a]

Patrick: Does anyone have a quarter?

The King: [in Squidward's dream] I came here to hear beautiful music! If I don't get my wish, it'll be your head!

SpongeBob: Gee, Gary, you sure are smart.

Gary: Did you think my shell was full of hot air?

Gary: [in his dream] "Let me not mar that perfect dream by an auroral stain, but so adjust my daily night that it may come again." Emily Dickinson wrote that.

SpongeBob: Who?

Gary: [to SpongeBob as he is heading out of his dream] Beware of your wandering eye, you little poriferan!

The King: [to SpongeBob in Squidward's dream] Oh, do tell me the one about the man from Peru again!

[The entire audience listens to SpongeBob's horrible singing with tears in their eyes]

Spectator: [dabbing at his moist eyes with a hanky] This music touches me ever so, that I fear my tears might stain my petticoat.

[SpongeBob is too busy staring at his driver's license to pay attention to his actual driving, and he crashes into a big rock and gets thrown out of the car]

SpongeBob: [as he flies through the air] How could I have forgotten the most important rule of driving? Always wear your seat belt!

SpongeBob: [to Mrs. Puff in his dream] Mrs. Puff, look! I finally got my driver's license!

Mrs. Puff: Not even in your dreams, Mr. SquarePants! [snatches SpongeBob's license out of his hands and tears it to shreds]

SpongeBob: NOOOOOO!

Plankton: Peek-a-boo! Here comes my foot!

Suds [1.15b]

SpongeBob: Sandy, I think you'd better take me to the doctor...

Sandy: Okay, SpongeBob. I'll be there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August.

Sandy: Don't you worry, Patrick, I'll be over there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the--

Patrick: Yeah, yeah, the rabbit! And don't bother, Sandy!

Arrgh! [1.17a]

Mr. Krabs: If I don't make any money today, I'll surely break out in a rash!

SpongeBob: [offscreen] Yipee! I'm rich Patrick, look, eight gold doubloons!

Mr. Krabs: Waaait! I saw it fiiirrrst! [leaps through the air] Yaah! [lands on the table where SpongeBob and Patrick are playing a game] Mine! Mine! Mine! [realizing] Huh?

SpongeBob: Boy Mr. Krabs, you sure are sweaty.

Patrick: [reading a game board card] Someone's been a bad pirate. Send them to the brig. Hmmmm... It's off to jail for you, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Patrick, you're fired.

Patrick: But I don't even work here!

Mr. Krabs: Would you like a job, starting now? [puts a Krusty Krab hat on Patrick's head]

Patrick: Boy, would I!

Mr. Krabs: You're fired. [takes hat away]

Mr. Krabs: Where is the treasure? 10,000 paces east!

Patrick: Oh, east? I thought you said "weast."

Mr. Krabs: Weast?! What kind of compass are ya reading lad?

Patrick: This one sir.

Mr. Krabs: That's west, Patrick. You're fired again.

[After they crash into "land"]

Mr. Krabs: Status report, Mr. SquarePants.

SpongeBob: The whole ship is underwater, Captain!

Patrick: I'm so loyal, I haven't bathed in weeks!

SpongeBob: But we've only been out here a couple hours.

Patrick: [giggles]I know.

Rock Bottom [1.17b]

[Patrick sees a sign saying, "You are now leaving Bikini Bottom"]

Patrick: SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Yeah, Patrick?

Patrick: Where's "Leaving Bikini Bottom"?

SpongeBob: Where did you see that?

Patrick: We just passed the sign. "You are now in leaving Bikini Bottom."

SpongeBob: [gasps] WHAT?!

Patrick: What's wrong, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: [sees sign that says "Bikini Bottom: City Limits"] Patrick, I think we're on the wrong... [screams as bus goes down road] ...bus!

SpongeBob: I guess Grandpa SquarePants was right. Don't run for a bus. [imitates his grandpa] Especially one that's going up at a 90-degree angle.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are stranded in Rock Bottom]

SpongeBob: It sure is weird around here. Kind of different. Even the soil looks different. [scoops up a handful of soil]

Soil: Would you mind-- [blows raspberry] --putting me down?

Patrick: Spongebob, I don't like it here. It's dark and scary. I don't want to be here! I wanna go home! Look-- I can't even tell the bathrooms apart!

[SpongeBob's stomach growls as he waits for the next bus]

SpongeBob: Getting kinda hungry. Glove candy dispenser! Good thing I went to Glove World. [takes out a glove candy dispenser and eats several pieces of candy, but then spits them out in disgust] Ewww! Glove-flavoured!

Texas [1.18a]

Sandy: [points at SpongeBob and Patrick] Don't you dare take the name of Texas in vain!

Patrick: So,we can't say anything about dumb ol' Texas?

Sandy: No! You can't say nothin' about Texas.

SpongeBob: Oh, so we can't say anything bad about [turns and shakes his rear] Teeeexas.

[Patrick is lassoed by Sandy and pulled backwards]

Patrick: Noo! SpongeBoooob!

[SpongeBob keeps running and a nuclear explosion occurs behind him]

SpongeBob: [in the shape of Texas] Hey Patrick! What am I now?

Patrick: Uhhh...stupid?

SpongeBob: No, I'm Texas!

Patrick: What's the difference?

[They laugh]

Patrick: Yeah, who needs dumb ol' Texas!

[cuts back to live action Island]

Sandy: what did you say?!

Patrick: eerr.. should I start running now?

Patrick: Can we say that shoes from Texas are dumb?!

Walking Small [1.18b]

SpongeBob: Excuse me, you are sitting on my body, which is also my face.

Plankton: Don't let that guy sit on you! Be assertive!

SpongeBob: [pokes finger into fish's pocket] Bee-beep!

Plankton: Not insertive!

Plankton: You just let people step all over you. You're just like stairs.

Plankton: SpongeBob, there's the guy that took your ice cream! Now be assertive!

SpongeBob: That's my ice cream!

Plankton: That's it Spongebob! Now let him have it!

SpongeBob: You can have it.

Plankton: It is becoming increasingly obvious... I can deny it no longer... I am small.

SpongeBob: You used me...for land development! [in sad, high pitched voice] That wasn't nice!

SpongeBob: [doing a funny walk] Stepping on the beach, do-do-do-do! Stepping on the beach, do-do-do-do! Stepping on the beach, do-do-do-do! Stepping on the beach, brrrrrrroo-do-do!

[SpongeBob sees Plankton sitting on a bench with two ice cream cones, crying]

SpongeBob: Plankton? What are you doing here? And why are you crying?

Plankton: [tearfully] Oh, hi, SpongeBob. [blows his nose on a tiny handkerchief] I'm crying because I've got these two ice cream cones, but I only need one! [crying harder] I don't know what to do with the other one!

[A little girl is crying about her sand-covered ice cream. SpongeBob takes the ice cream and uses his eyelashes to dust away the sand. When he gives the girl her treat back, it is sparkling clean]

Plankton: Butterfly kisses! I can't take it! It's too cute! It-it's disgusting!

SpongeBob: Gee, Plankton, I'm sorry about the Chum Bucket.

Plankton: Forget about that. I just can't take so much kindness in one sitting! [curls into a fetal position and slithers away] Need...hatred...

SpongeBob: ...Volleyball anyone?

Fools in April [1.19a]

Evelyn: Can you tell me where the forks are?

SpongeBob: Right here, lady.

Evelyn: But this is a spoon.

SpongeBob: [giggles] April Fools!

Tom: Excuse me, can I get a couple of ice cubes in here, please?

SpongeBob: Sure! A couple of ice cubes coming up! [walks off and then returns with the drink] Here you go!

Tom: Thanks. [drinks his lemonade, SpongeBob giggling with every sip]

SpongeBob: [after he's finished] April Fools!

Tom: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DRINK?!

SpongeBob: I-- er, I-- er...

Tom: You what?!

SpongeBob: You asked for a couple of ice cubes in your drink, and I only put in one! [laughs]

Hooky [1.20a]

Mr. Krabs: [in a customer's face] The hooks! The hooks!

Customer: How 'bout a mint?

Mr. Krabs: So, there I was, minding my own business--

Squidward: I'd love to hear another of your riveting sea tales, but I have to do my wastebasket inspections. [holds a wastebasket on his head] Mmm-hmm...mmm-hmm...oh, yeah, there's one...

Mr. Krabs: The hooks, me bucko. They're back. Beware the hooks.

SpongeBob: The hooks?

Mr. Krabs: AYE, the hooks. They dangle down and draw you close with their pleasing shapes and beguiling colors, and just when you think you've found the land of milk and honey, they grab ya by the britches, and haul you way up high, and higher, and higher, and HIGHER, until you're hauled up to the surface, flopping and gasping for breath! And then they cook ya, and then they eat ya--or worse!

SpongeBob: [terrified] What could be worse than that?

Mr. Krabs: [softly] Gift shops.

Patrick: Are you gonna listen to a big dummy, or are you gonna listen to me?

Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Crew!

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick!

Patrick: Guess what? The carnival's in town! Come on, let's go!

SpongeBob: I can't leave now, I'm working.

Patrick: It's not leaving. You're just taking a break.

[SpongeBob grins and slithers silently out of the Krusty Krab kitchen to join Patrick]

SpongeBob: Stop, Patrick! Don't touch it! This isn't the carnival, Patrick, those are hooks! Mr. Krabs said they're really dangerous!

Patrick: [sits on a hook's barbed end to think about it, then smiles] I sense no danger here. How could they be dangerous? They're covered with free cheese!

SpongeBob: All I know is Mr. Krabs said-- Patrick, don't do that!

[Patrick eats a block of cheese straight off a hook]

Patrick: Mmmmm...cheesy.

SpongeBob: Patrick, don't!

Patrick: Lighten up, will ya? Or do I have to eat all this cheese by myse-- Whoaaah!

[Suddenly the hook Patrick is holding onto jerks into the air, taking Patrick up towards the surface]

SpongeBob: [terrified] Patrick! Help! [running around like crazy] Oh, Patrick! Help! Oh, Patrick, come back! Oh, my best friend!

[Patrick suddenly floats gently back to the ocean floor, and SpongeBob bumps into him]

SpongeBob: Patrick, you're alive!

Patrick: Am I ever! You should try it!

SpongeBob: But what about the surface? And your britches? And the gift shops?

Patrick: You just jump off before you go up too high.

[In the Krusty Krab]

Customer 1: Pee-yew! You call this food?!

Customer 2: My sandwich tastes like a fried boot!

Customer 3: My sandwich is a fried boot!

[The customers get angry and start yelling at Squidward]

Tom: COME ON! HURRY UP! WE'RE STARVING OUT HERE, I MEAN LOOK AT US! MY KIDS HAVEN'T EATEN IN DAYS. [in the kitchen] THAT'S NOT HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FLIP IT!

Squidward: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE WANT TO EAT THIS STUFF ANYWAY?!

[In the Krusty Krab kitchen]

Mr. Krabs: Squidward! What the halibut's going on in here?

Squidward: It's a feeding frenzy, sir, and SpongeBob's still not back from his break!

[Mr. Krabs bursts out laughing]

Squidward: What?

Mr. Krabs: I thought you said SpongeBob was taking a break. No one's taken a break at the Krusty Krab since the Chum Famine of '59. [chuckles] Now, what were you saying?

Squidward: [with emphasis] He took a break.

[Mr. Krabs looks at Squidward, and his arms fall off, then his nose falls off, too. Later we see Mr. Krabs storming out the front doors]

Mr. Krabs: All right, Spongebob LazyPants! I'll find you. This nose can smell laziness for up to 10,000 leagues! [sniffs] A-HA! [starts to march off] I'll give you a break you'll not soon forget!

Squidward: [with a mob of angry customers forming around him] But, Mr. Krabs, I still need-- [the mob carries him off] --HEEELLLLP!

Mr. Krabs: [thinking SpongeBob and Patrick are gone forever] Boys! I wasn't quick enough. They're gone! [on the verge of tears] Oh, if I could only hold them in me arms again, I'd-I'd--

[SpongeBob and Patrick float down in front of him, and anger replaces his sadness]

Mr. Krabs: I'd throttle 'em! What'd I tell you about those hooks, boy?!

SpongeBob: I-I--

Patrick: I'll tell you about the hooks! You ride 'em up and up and up...then you gently float down.

Mr. Krabs: [in Patrick's face] And do you know what happens when you don't float back down?

SpongeBob: Gift shops!

Mr. Krabs: Worse! You end up vacuum-packed in a can of tuna! With nothing to look forward to but the smell of mayonnaise!

[Bloody murder is heard in the background]

Mr. Krabs: I want you boys to promise me you'll never go on those hooks again.

Patrick & SpongeBob: We promise, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: I need a sailor's promise! Repeat after me: Yo-ho, yo-ho, near the hooks I'll never go!

Patrick & SpongeBob: Yo-ho, yo-ho, near the hooks we'll never go.

[A sharp hook jabs Mr. Krabs in the rear end. He howls in pain and leaps into the air]

Mr. Krabs: Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!

Patrick & SpongeBob: Ahh! Mother of pearl! [rubbing their rears] Fire on the poopdeck!

Pearl: Look, it's Spongebob Nudie pants!

[Patrick is returned to Bikini Bottom trapped inside a can of tuna]

Patrick: Hello? Does somebody have a can opener?

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy II [1.20b]

Mermaid Man: Don't squash his enthusiasm. After all, he could be the hero of tomorrow! Or the villain.

Mermaid Man & SpongeBob: [singing] Oh jingle bells, Mermaid Man smells, Barnacle Boy laid an egg; the Invisible Boatmobile lost a wheel and...

SpongeBob: [to the Dirty Bubble] You're my favorite supervillain. Can I get your autograph? [pulls out paper and a sharp pencil]

Dirty Bubble: [in shock] No! No! Stay back! Watch the point! Nooooo-- [SpongeBob pops him]

Your Shoe's Untied [2.1a]

SpongeBob: TADA! A perfect Patty.

Squidward: Alright SpongeBob, hand it over. [waits] Well?

SpongeBob: [hesitates] Hey Squidward! I've got an idea! How about you come get it?

Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh gee, SpongeBob, now that's a great idea! And maybe I should cook the Patties, and do the dishes, and wear square pants, and live in a pineapple, while YOU wait in the unemployment line!

SpongeBob: No!

Squidward: Then bring the Patty here NOW!

Squidward: I think my heart just stopped.

Squidward: It's Sponge-- [burps loudly] --Bob's fault! SpongeBob's fault!

Patrick: [SpongeBob's feet are stomped into the floor of the Krusty Krab] SpongeBob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting?

SpongeBob: [hysterically] DOESN'T ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO TIE A KNOT?!

SpongeBob: [stuck to Painty the Pirate] Could you show me how to tie my shoes?

Painty: Aargh! I be just a paintin' of a head.

Squid's Day Off [2.1b]

Mr. Krabs: I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy.

Mr. Krabs: Get away barbarian, look what you've done! Nice, clean money, SOILED!

Something Smells [2.2a]

Patrick: SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Go. Run away like all the others. No one would want a friend as ugly as I am. [slams his hands onto his organ]

Patrick: Sure they would! It makes them feel better about the way they look!

Patrick: Maybe a story will cheer you up. [picks up SpongeBob and seats him] It's called "The Ugly Barnacle." Once there was an ugly Barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died! The end.

SpongeBob: [sadly] That didn't help at all. How long... How long have I been ugly Patrick?

Patrick: As long as I can remember. You poor ugly thing, you.

Spongebob: Thanks, Patrick. It's OK Patrick, It's over.
Patrick: Just Do when I have problems...[Yells]...SCREEEEEAM!!!!!!!!!!!

SpongeBob: I'm ugly and I'm proud! I'm ugly and I'm proud! I'm ugly and I'm proud!

Squidward: Is that what he calls it?

Patrick: What is wrong with you people?! Afraid to look ugliness in the face?! [picks up SpongeBob and starts waving him around] Well, HERE! LOOK AT IT! IT'S UGLY, ISN'T IT?! [waves SpongeBob at one group of people] YOU LOOK AT IT!

SpongeBob: Hello.

[Group runs off after smelling his breath]

Patrick: [waves SpongeBob at another group] YOU LOOK AT IT!

SpongeBob: Hi.

[Second group follows suit]

Patrick: [waves him at the entire audience] LOOK AT IT!

[Audience runs off]

Patrick: LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! I WANT ALL OF YOU TO LOOK AT IT!!

SpongeBob: Just remember what we talked about. There's power in pride.

Patrick: [with foul breath pouring out of his mouth] That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! I'm almost as ugly as you! I always thought, "If I was as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I would do."

SpongeBob: Patrick?

Patrick: What's my mom gonna say?! My sister-- Wait. I don't have a sister. The bank-- Oh, it's one thing if you have bad shoes or even bad hair, but--

SpongeBob: PATRICK!!

[SpongeBob is trying to think of what toppings to use for his sundae. He studies what he has in the cupboard]

SpongeBob: Bananas. Cherries. Boring. Ah, here we go! Onions! Ready, Gary?

[We see Gary with a violin]

Gary: Meow.

[Sad violin music begibns to play, and SpongeBob bursts into tears as he cuts up the onions]

[SpongeBob is appalled at how putrid Patrick's breath is]

SpongeBob: Oh, barnacles! Patrick, what did you eat?!

Patrick: Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza--

SpongeBob: [holding his nose] No, I mean just this morning.

Patrick: Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza--

Patrick: Okay say it. [SpongeBob hesitates] Say it.

SpongeBob: I can't.

Patrick: Spongebob you're never gonna feel better 'till you get this thing off your chest.

[Shows alien-ish, purple thing on SpongeBob's chest]

SpongeBob: I know, Patrick. [removes the thing]

Bossy Boots [2.2b]

Squidward: [deadpan] Rage. Fury. Irritation. Humiliation.

Pearl: Squidward is such a barnacle.

SpongeBob: A stick in the sand.

[Pearl gives SpongeBob his new uniform, a bright pink body suit covered with bright purple flowers]

Pearl: Oh, SpongeBob, you look so adorable! I could just eat you up!

SpongeBob: Sorry, Pearl, this item's not on the menu!

SpongeBob: The customers may be hot, but my grill is hotter.

[SpongeBob finds, to his horror, that his grill is gone]

SpongeBob: Where's the grill?!

Pearl: Come on, SpongeBob, you're a hip guy. You know fried foods are O-U-T, out.

SpongeBob: [weakly] Er...right on.

[Pearl gives SpongeBob the new Kuddly Krab menu]

SpongeBob: [reading the menu] "Salad and tea." But where are the Krabby Patties?

Pearl: Oh silly, those aren't hip.

SpongeBob: I did it, Mr Krabs! [finds that Krabs has fainted] AHH! [breaks open a glass case containing a dollar bill and waves it under Krabs' nose]

Mr. Krabs: Is that a 20? [grabs dollar]

Woman: It’s a shame old man Krabs sold the Krusty Krab.

Man: That’s a darn shame. Hey, lady! Do you know where we can get something to eat around here?

Squidward: That’s it! I quit! [he rips off his uniform, revealing nothing under it. A police whistle is blown and a cop comes over. He writes him a ticket and places it between his legs]

Big Pink Loser [2.3a]

[Patrick showing SpongeBob his award]

SpongeBob: [reading award caption] For outstanding achievement in achievement - SpongeBob SquarePants?

Patrick: "SpongeBob SquarePants"? That's a funny way to spell my name.

SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake.

Patrick: [sadly] But, it's shiny! [starts to cry]

SpongeBob: Yeah, but, you know what else is shiny?

Patrick: Ice cream!

SpongeBob: Exactly!

Patrick: Where is it? Is it in here?

SpongeBob: No, don't, that's my-- [Patrick opens door, causing all the trophies inside to collapse] ...Award closet.

SpongeBob: It look's a little dusty around table 3, how about if you sweep it up?

Patrick: What's the point? I can't do anything right!

SpongeBob: You'll do fine.

[Loud noise comes from the mop, Patrick is scraping the wrong end of the mop on the floor]

Phil: [walks up to Patrick] Hey Pal, you just blow in from Stupid Town?

SpongeBob: First, you need a jar.

[Patrick holds up a pickle]

SpongeBob: Patrick, that's a pickle.

Patrick: Yes.

[Phone rings and Patrick answers it]

Fish: Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick: No, this is Patrick.

[Patrick hangs up and whistles; phone rings again]

Another Fish: Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick: [annoyed] No, this is Patrick!

[Patrick hangs up and continues whistling; phone rings again]

Yet Another Fish: Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick: [fed up] NO! THIS IS PATRICK! [hangs up, sulking] I'm not a Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob: Uh... Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.

Patrick: Huh? [facepalms] Oooh... FISH PASTE!

[SpongeBob is instructing Patrick on how to remove a jar lid]

[Patrick flails his arm grabbing things randomly, to which SpongeBob responds by repeating, "The lid!"]

SpongeBob: Freeze!

[Patrick holding on to the jar panting]

SpongeBob: Almost there... Now head for the lid.

[Patrick, sweating excessively, moves his hand down]

SpongeBob: Cold... [Patrick moves his hand up] Warmer, warmer, warmer! You're hot!

[Patrick puts his hand on the lid]

SpongeBob: Hot, hot, hot, FIRE!

Patrick: Aaaah! It burns!

SpongeBob & Patrick: Ha! Darn. Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as...pickled fish lips!! (both cover their mouth) Sea weavle. Gorgy smorgy.

SpongeBob: At least I'm safe inside my mind.

Patrick: At least I'm safe inside my mind

Bubble Buddy [2.3b]

Squidward: [to SpongeBob] How am I supposed to enjoy your day off if you come to work anyway?!

Squidward: Here, one of everything! No cheese, no crust, pickles to the left, four sqirts of ketchup, wheat buns, non-dairy lettuce, and farm-raised tomatoes carnival style! And if there is anything else I can do, please hesitate to ask!

SpongeBob: Bubble Buddy, you go dig him up while I get us some ice cream.

Scooter: [buried up to his head in sand; to Bubble Buddy] Don't just stand there, dude! The tide's coming in! [laughs] ...Dude?

SpongeBob: [to Squidward] Bubble Buddy says this drink tastes funny. What do you think?

Squidward: [annoyed] Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: [after pre-chewing a Krabby Patty for an old lady] Think of the customer!

Squidward: [trying out drink] Oh, silly me. I got the Diet Shampoo.

SpongeBob: Oh, no, Squidward! Wait! There's cheese on these patties!

Squidward: And?

SpongeBob: Bubble Buddy's lactose intolerant. He can't eat cheese! What should we do?

Squidward: [angry] We?! How about you take these patties and--

Mr. Krabs: [offscreen] Mr. Squidward!

SpongeBob: [points to Port-a-Potty] It's his first time on his own.

Fish: Once again, congratulations.

Fish: He kept us waiting for a bubble?!

Larry the Lobster: That's nothing! He called us fat! [he and other fish rushingly eat celery stalks]

Pearl: [crying] He washed my flipper!

Mr. Krabs: He owes me money!

Squidward: He made me provide excellent service!

Scooter: [as an angel] Dudes, he made me experience high tide! [flies up into heaven] Haaaaaaaaaaaw!

Dying For Pie [2.4a]

Mr. Krabs: So, are you ready?

Squidward: To go home?

Mr. Krabs: No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day!

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards that guy! [points to SpongeBob]

Mr. Krabs: You had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears...and you kill him.

Squidward: Well, we'd better get started on this list before you die...of anticipation.

SpongeBob: You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay.

Squidward: Now, may I resume my minimum-wage duties?

Mr. Krabs: After you present your Brotherhood Gift.

Squidward: I'll buy the little twerp a gumball.

[Squidward presents a pie he's just purchased from a gang of pirates to Mr. Krabs]

Squidward: Here it is, Mr. Krabs, fresh from the oven. I'll be returning to my life now.

Mr. Krabs: Not yet! I gotta make sure you did it right. [takes a tiny piece of the pie and starts to eat it, then stops himself] Wait a second! This would go great with some milk!

[Mr. Krabs starts to get himself a carton of milk, but then he stumbles and drops the tiny crumb of pie, which causes a powerful explosion that blasts a large hole through the wall of Mr. Krabs' office]

[Squidward has explained everything about the pie he's just bought to Mr. Krabs]

Squidward: And that's what happened!

Mr. Krabs: Twenty-five dollars?! A bomb?!

Squidward & Mr. Krabs: IN THE KRUSTY KRAB?!

Squidward: I'm going to make SpongeBob's final hours the best he's ever had! And this time, there's gonna be love! So much, he's gonna drown in it! Drown in it!

[Once Squidward has left the room, Mr. Krabs takes out a pencil and a clipboard and jots down a note]

Mr. Krabs: Note to self: Watch out for Squidward.

[Squidward and SpongeBob leave the Krusty Krab together to complete SpongeBob's Friendship List]

SpongeBob: Bye, Mr. Krabs!

[Mr. Krabs bursts into tears as he watches SpongeBob leave, and he puts up a "Help Wanted" sign and walks away, still sobbing]

SpongeBob: [in a low voice] Heads up, Squidward. Looks like they're gonna replace you.

[Squidward sees that SpongeBob is still around, even though SpongeBob's supposed to have blown up by now]

Squidward: Why are you still here?

SpongeBob: Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. I already filled up this book with ideas. [reveals a large, thick book to Squidward] We should be able to finish by January...

Squidward: [knocking the book out of SpongeBob's hands] FORGET THE BOOK! I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because YOU were supposed to EXPLODE!

SpongeBob: You want me to explode?

Squidward: YES! That's what I've been waiting for!

SpongeBob: [hesitantly] Well...okay, I'll try. [pretends to "explode"] GARY!! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!! [laughs] Now it's your turn.

Squidward: [in SpongeBob's face] THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!!

SpongeBob: Ooh, good one!

Squidward: NO! You're supposed to explode, into a million pieces!

SpongeBob: Why would I do that?

Squidward: Because the pie you ate was a bomb!

SpongeBob: What pie?

Squidward: The one I left sitting on the counter this morning, that I bought from pirates for twenty-five bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it! [points to SpongeBob's stomach] THAT PIE!

SpongeBob: [thinking] Pie...pie... Oh, you mean this pie! [holds the pie up] I was saving it in my pocket, for us to share. Let's eat! Oops!

[SpongeBob starts to move forward, but then trips on his shoelace. The pie flies into Squidward's face, and the pie goes off with the force of an atomic bomb]

Squidward: Ouch...

Imitation Krabs [2.4b]

Plankton: [disguised as Robot Mr. Krabs] Don't listen to him. He's obviously a robot.

Plankton: Coin-operated self-destruct, not one of my better ideas.

Plankton: Don't listen to him, SpongeBob. Remember-- Ravioli ravioli, give me the formuoli.

SpongeBob: I thought you wanted to ask me a question.

Mr. Krabs: Yes... [angrily] Why aren't you working harder?

SpongeBob: [blankly] I don't know, Mr. Krabs. I don't know...

Plankton: I'll never get that formula with that pest Krabs popping in and out like that. I've got it! I've been saving this for a rainy day. It looks like an ordinary penny...because it is an ordinary penny!

SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs... I thought you were a phony.

Mr. Krabs: It's alright, as long as the formula's safe. However, that penny's coming out of your paycheck! [they laugh]

SpongeBob: ...Really?

[A robot Prize Patrol-like host controlled by Plankton has just offered SpongeBob a cash prize if he were to tell it the secret formula for the Krabby Patty]

SpongeBob: [quickly] The Krabby Patty formula is the sole property of the Krusty Krab and may only be discussed in part or in whole with it's creator Mr. Krabs. Duplication of this formula is punishable by law. Restrictions apply, results may vary.

Plankton: [sees Mr. Krabs go after the penny that is heading into town] Nothing stops me from getting that secret formula now! [He cuts the Krust Krab sign with the claw of the robot Mr. Krabs and runs in circles laughing, the sign falls and lands on Plankton (who is in the Mr. Krabs robot) OUCH!!

Wormy [2.5a]

Squidward: Well, if moron theater is over, why don't we just have a look at this monster?

Patrick: Pet-sitting? Won't that hurt them?

[Patrick communicates musically with Sandy's pet bird]

SpongeBob: Gee, Patrick, I didn't know you spoke bird.

Patrick: No, that's Italian, SpongeBob.

[After spending a perfect day with "Wormy"]

Patrick: Gee, SpongeBob, I don't want today to end, ever.

SpongeBob: I know, Patrick. Days like today come around once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

[When SpongeBob hints that the "monster" must have eaten Wormy]

Patrick: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!

Patty Hype [2.5b]

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, are you angry too?

Patrick: Yeah!

SpongeBob: What's the matter?

Patrick: I can't see my forehead!

Patrick: SpongeBob, sometimes we have to look deep inside ourselves to find the answers to our problems.

SpongeBob: I'm scared.

Patrick: Then I'm goin' in for ya! [climbs in SpongeBob's head; SpongeBob's face swells up] Sorry! Stupid inflatable pants!

Mr. Krabs: [about missing the Krusty Krab] I bet you miss Squidward, and the grill, and the crow's nest.

SpongeBob: Yeah, yeah! And you know what I miss the most, Mr. Krabs? That tiny squeaky sound you get when you rub two pickles together.

Scooter: Your dumb Pretty Patties turned my face purple!

Scottish Fish: Look what I got under me kilt! [shows up a plaid pattern on his body]

Fish #15, Fish #16, Fish#17: And look at our tongues! [they reveal their tongues, which have various designs on them. Fish #17's tongue appears normal]

Mr. Krabs: What's wrong with you?

[Fish #17 pulls a nearby light switch, showing that his tongue is glowing in the dark]

Fish #17: We want our money back. All 46,853 of us. [turns lights back on, but Mr. Krabs is not there]

Fish #18: Hey! Where'd he go?

[There shows Mr. Krabs running, screaming, followed by the angry mob, leaving a rainbow behind them]

Mr. Krabs: [hurls his face into the Krusty Krab door] Me key! Where's me key? SpongeBob! SpongeBob, let me in!

[While Mr. Krabs is shouting for SpongeBob, he is too busy rubbing two pickles together]

Grandma's Kisses [2.6a]

Patrick: Being grown up is boring. Besides, I don't get jazz.

Grandma: You don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love.

SpongeBob: I don't?

Grandma: Of course not. No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo. And remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult.

SpongeBob: What wonders await me today? Fresh baked cookies? Storytime? A sweater with love in every stitch? Aw, what am I waiting for?! [runs eagerly to his grandmother's house] Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!

[Grandma steps out of her house and welcomes her grandson with open arms]

Grandma: SpongeBob!

[SpongeBob throws himself into her arms and they share a long hug]

SpongeBob: Hi, Grandma!

SpongeBob: Grandma, you make the best cookies in the deep blue sea.

[Grandma is busy baking cookies]

Grandma: Now, who wants to lick the spoon?

SpongeBob: [raising his hand] Me! Me!

[Grandma is telling SpongeBob a story while he licks the spoon]

Grandma: ...and then we drove all the way home with all the windows rolled down.

SpongeBob: [sweetly] Tell me another story about when I was a baby!

Squidville [2.6b]

Squidward: SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away from here that I will be able to brag about it. I would... [Stops talking, because a piece of Sqiudward´s house, which was just blown up by Spongebob and Patrick, falls on his head] I would rather tear out my brainstem, take it to the middle of the nearest four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than go on living where I do now.

SpongeBob: [hugging a squid that looks like Squidward from the back] Squidward, we finally found you.

Squid: Get off me! I'm not Squidward!

[There is a brief pause]

Patrick: Are you Squidward now?

[SpongeBob and Patrick approach Tentacle Acres, ready to try to convince Squidward to return to Bikini Bottom]

SpongeBob: You got our apology cake?

[Patrick holds up a large cake with the word "Sorry" written on it in icing. He keeps the cake safe in his pants]

SpongeBob: We're ready!

Patrick: Ying!

Voice of Security Guard: Hello, can I help you?

Patrick: Can I get a large number one, extra-sized?

SpongeBob: But you just ate three orders of fried oyster skins.

Patrick: [with foul breath] I love fried oyster skins.

Security Guard: We're sorry, but your kind isn't allowed here. [turns to his partner] He's not leaving, Orville. You got your nightstick ready?

[Patrick's putrid breath wafts under their noses]

Security Guard: Fried oyster skins?!

[Both keel over in a dead faint. One security guard hits his head on the button that opens the front gate, allowing SpongeBob and Patrick to enter the city]

Patrick: Guess we have to order inside.

Squidward: Stand back, I've got gardening tools!

Patrick: [to a random squid] Are you Squidward?

SpongeBob: [to a random squid] Are you Squidward?

Patrick: [to a fire hydrant] Are you Squidward? ...That's okay, take your time.

SpongeBob: Any one of these Squidwards could be the real Squidward!

[They see Squidward flying out of Tentacle Acres using a reefblower as a jetpack]

SpongeBob: Well, we know one thing...it sure isn't that guy!

Squidward: This city needs to be destroyed! ...Or at least painted a different color.

Pre-Hibernation Week [2.7a]

Sandy: Any questions?

Muscular Fish: Gold team rules!

SpongeBob: [when Sandy says they're going to bike through the park] Gee! That sounds safe! I mean fun.

[Everyone in Bikini Bottom is hiding under Patrick's house after Sandy goes on a rampage]

Patrick: [looks at all the eyes sticking out from under his rock] WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

Life of Crime [2.7b]

SpongeBob: We've got to move fast and cover our tracks!

[Patrick holds a painbrush covered in red paint on the ground behind him as he runs, to paint over their footprints]

Patrick: I'm on it, SpongeBob!

[SpongeBob holds up two candy bars]

SpongeBob: Look what I've got!

Patrick: Rectangles!

SpongeBob: Not just rectangles. Candy bars! [gives Patrick a candy bar] All we have to do is make them last the rest of our lives.

Patrick: Thanks, SpongeBob. I think I'll eat it now! [Patrick eats it in one bite and pauses for a few seconds] I think I'll eat it now! [goes to eat a non-existent chocolate bar and bites his hand instead] Ow! Wha...? [sees his hand has nothing in it] Where did my candy bar go? I must have dropped it!

SpongeBob: You just ate it, Patrick. It's all over your face.

Patrick: Where did it go? [grunting] I can't find it! Where could it possibly be? [looks up, sees SpongeBob holding a candy bar] Aha!

SpongeBob: What?

Patrick: You stole my candy bar!

Patrick: Liar liar, plants for hire!

SpongeBob: It's "pants on fire," Patrick.

Patrick: Well, you would know...liar!

SpongeBob: Did I Patrick? Did I? Or did your criminal mind hypnotize me to steal it?

Police: If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. [locks SpongeBob and Patrick in jail cell and opens it again after a second] Okay, time's up. Now get out!

SpongeBob: But...we stole a balloon!

Police: Yeah, on free balloon day!

Christmas Who? [2.8]

Squidward: I can't believe anyone would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.

Patrick: Like a genie.

SpongeBob: [trying to get Squidward to join them in all the Christmas fun] C'mon Squidward!, What have you got to lose?

Squidward: My sanity, my dignity, my self-respect, my lunch.

SpongeBob: What did you wish for?

Mr. Krabs: A pony.

SpongeBob: Really?

Mr. Krabs: With saddlebags full of money!

SpongeBob: [to Squidward, who is disguised as Santa Claus] I knew you would come, Santa! Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?

Squidward: Uh, that is a part of, um, undersea pressure on my body.

SpongeBob: Where's your reindeer and your big flying machine?

Squidward: Uh, I loaned them to the Easter bunny.

SpongeBob: Hey, Santa, where's your big nose? [pulls down Squidward's nose] I knew you were supposed to have a big one, but that thing's gigantic! [laughs]

Squidward: [holds his nose] Alright, alright, I'm Santa!

SpongeBob: Santa! This is the greatest gift you could have given me. Thank you, for bringing Christmas to Bikini Bottom.

Squidward: I didn't bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom, Spongebob. You did. [pats Spongebob]

SpongeBob: I...did? Ohhh... [faints, he is taken back home by Gary]

[Patchy the Pirate is eating cookie dough straight from the bowl]

Patchy: Mmmm...unbaked cookie dough!

Potty the Parrot: Squawk! Potty want cookie dough.

Patchy: No, Potty! No! Don't, Potty! Potty...

Potty the Parrot: Squawk! Give us a lick!

Patchy: Back off, you flying freak!

Potty the Parrot: Squawk! Clarify, please.

Patchy: This here cookie dough is for the children, not for pesky parrots!

[there are three bells rang]

Patchy: What's that? Three bells! Well, we all know what three bells mean!

Children: Free ice cream!

Patchy: [laughs] No, you silly livers! NO!

Potty the Parrot: Squawk! Man overboard?

Patchy: You, I'm ignoring. No...it's time to open fan letters!

[After "Santa" Squidward gives away all his possessions]

Squidward: What was I thinking? I gave away all of my stuff, just so Spongebob wouldn't be sad. Am I insane?

[A knock sounds on the door]

Squidward: You might as well take the door. That's all that's left.

Patchy: Ooh, ye old mistletoe! And you know what that means! [takes out breath spray and squirts a couple times in his mouth] Alright, who wants to kiss Patchy? Come on, now!

Potty: Squawk! Potty wants a kiss!

Patchy: No! Potty! We discussed this before--

Potty: POTTY WANTS A KISS!

[They continue to chase each other around the room]

Narrator: Well, it looks like Patchy is very busy at this moment. Just to say, goodbye and happy holidays.

Survival of the Idiots [2.9a]

Patrick: Sponge, I'm a big man. A big, BIG man!

Patrick: SpongeBob, when are you gonna learn? No means yes.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are fighting about who is Dirty Dan, SpongeBob suddenly screams]

Patrick: Screaming will get you nowhere.

[After Patrick almost wakes up Sandy]

SpongeBob: No, Pat! We don't want to disturb her!

Patrick: That's not disturbing, this is disturbing. [turns around and folds back fat up into a face] Hi, SpongeBob. My name is Pat-back.

SpongeBob: HA! That is really disturbing.

Sandy: [dreaming] Gonna throw y'all in jail at taxpayers' expense...

Sandy: [dreaming] Gonna skin y'all and make a pair o' size six boots...

Sandy: [dreaming] You're nothing but pure evil, just like newspaper comics...

Sandy: [sleep-walking] Which one of you fellers is the real Dirty Dan?

Patrick: Um, I am? [Sandy slams him into her oak tree; dazed] Hot wings...

Sandy: Okay, Pinhead Larry, now you get yours! [SpongeBob screams and runs] PINHEEEEEEAAAAAADDDDD!!!

SpongeBob: I've got it! We'll burn the bark from Sandy's tree! [begins to peel some wood off of the tree]

Sandy: [dreaming] You're gonna be wearin' an iron lung when I'm through with you, Pinhead!

SpongeBob: [tapes the wood back on the tree] Fire's not gonna happen, Patrick. How does she go through these intense conditions?

Patrick: Maybe she just ignores it.

SpongeBob: Maybe...

Patrick: Maybe...

SpongeBob: Maybe it's her fur!

[image of squirrel is seen]

SpongeBob, Patrick: Yeah!

Dumped [2.9b]

SpongeBob: [sobbing] Oh, Gary, why did you have to go? Why, Gary? [beats the wall with his fist in his anguish] Why, why, why, why, why?

Patrick: Would it be all right if Gary and I did some laundry over here?

SpongeBob: Laundry? But-- we used to do laundry!

Patrick: And, uh, SpongeBob, could we borrow some soap?

SpongeBob: [on the verge of breaking down] Soap? But we used to use soap! [holds up two different types of soap] Do you want Fresh Scent, or Heavy Du-Du-Du...

Patrick: Here it comes.

SpongeBob: Du-Du... [breaks down into tears; his tears fill the soap containers and cause them to bubble over] ...tyyyyyy!

SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, I knew you'd never leave me. Awww...let's go for a walk, pal! [leads Gary out of the house on a leash, leaving Patrick alone]

Patrick: Gary? I thought what we had was SPECIAAAAALLL!!

Patrick: [brushing his teeth] Brush-brush-brush, brush-brush-brush, [brushing his armpit] brushing everywhere!

[Patrick and SpongeBob see Gary rummaging through one of Patrick's pockets]

Patrick: He only liked me for my shorts!

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, he wanted the cookie in your pocket.

[Gary pulls a cookie out of Patrick's pocket and eats it]

No Free Rides [2.10a]

Narrator: Here we are again at the Bikini Bottom Boating School. Today is once again the day of SpongeBob's boating school exam. But more importantly, this is the last test for the year, and if SpongeBob does not pass this one, it means another whole year of BOATING SCHOOL! [SpongeBob hits the Narrator, who groans in pain]

SpongeBob: Wha happen?

Mrs. Puff: Oh, nothing SpongeBob, you just struck another pedestrian. Minus twenty more points.

SpongeBob: What does that leave me with?

Mrs. Puff: Negative 224.

SpongeBob: Okay, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score?

Mrs. Puff: Six.

SpongeBob: Whoooo! And how many do I need to pass?

Mrs. Puff: Six...

SpongeBob: [bending over and rising up very slowly] Whooooooooo...

Mrs. Puff: ...hundred.

SpongeBob: Wha?

Mrs. Puff: Six hundred. You need six hundred to pass. You got six.

SpongeBob: Gonna write an essay, that's what I say!

[Mrs. Puff allows SpongeBob to slide through her class using extra credit so she can get rid of him]

Mrs. Puff: You pass! You pass!

SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, I don't feel like I really did anything.

Mrs. Puff: That's how extra credit is supposed to feel.

SpongeBob: Really?

Mrs. Puff: Besides, here's your driver's license.

[She gives SpongeBob a small plastic card]

SpongeBob: My driver's license! [licks it] It tastes just like I dreamt it would!

[SpongeBob is speaking to Mrs. Puff over a phone line while she resides in the Bikini Bottom Jail]

SpongeBob: So, how's it going, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff: [meekly] Spongebob, I'd like to apologize. I shouldn't have passed you. You really weren't ready.

SpongeBob: [quietly] So I guess I gotta give my license back, huh?

Mrs. Puff: I hear Mrs. Flounder is starting a new class Monday morning.

SpongeBob: [smiling] You kidding? You're the only teacher for this student! And besides, the warden says she'll let you go early, if you do her a favor.

Mrs. Puff: What's that?

SpongeBob: Free driving lessons! [laughs]

I'm Your Biggest Fanatic [2.10b]

SpongeBob: But I was your biggest fan!

Kevin: So were they. [points down to some fans he has managed to get rid of, trapped at the bottom of the ledge at a campfire]

Fish: Look, everybody! Kevin's back! [they cheer]

SpongeBob: Look, Patrick, state of the art jellyfishing nets!

Patrick: Touch. [touches one of the nets]

Guard: Don't touch.

SpongeBob: Ooh, the harpoon used in Jellyfish: The Movie!

Patrick: Touch. [touches it]

Guard: [getting annoyed] Don't touch!

SpongeBob: Look! Dr. Man'O'War, the guy who got stung by Big Lenny, and lived!

Dr. Man'O'War: And now it only hurts if you touch it.

Patrick: Touch. [touches the sting]

Dr. Man'O'War: OW!

Guard: Do I have to follow you all day?!

Patrick: [about Kevin] What's so great about a nerdy pickle?

SpongeBob: If I could just touch the hem of his pocket protector, then maybe some of his greatness will rub off on me!

Patrick: SpongeBob, as a friend, I must say, that's really geeky. [Jeffrey the Jellyfish walks by; Patrick gasps] Oh, my gosh! Jeffrey Jellyfish! [runs after him] Wait, Jeffrey, I have to touch you!

Guard: [running after Patrick] Hey!

Patrick: I'm glad you learned your lesson, SpongeBob. Hero worship is unhealthy. [pulls Jeffery the Jellyfish in a wagon] Come along, Jeffery.

Kevin: [after the king jellyfish takes the pie bubble] How did you know?

SpongeBob: [laughs] Everybody loves pie!

SpongeBob: Hi Kevin, I'm your biggest fan.

Kevin: You're too kind. SECURITY!!

Anchovy: [repeats] Wha-wha-wha!

Kevin: Will you cut that out?!

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III [2.11a]

[Man-Ray sits on the floor with a hand over his face, pretending to cry]

Man-Ray: Boo-hoo-hoo! Oh, sob! Oh, cry! [peeks through his fingers to see if SpongeBob and Patrick are watching] Oh, woe is me! You don't know what it's like, being evil for so long! Oh, how I wish to be good! If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency!

[SpongeBob and Patrick beam at one another]

SpongeBob: We could teach you how to be good! And then we'll let you go!

Man-Ray: Oh, that would be fantastic! [to himself] I'll fake my way through this, just like I did in high school.

Narrator: [about the Tickle Belt] As seen in Episode 17!

Mermaid Man: Prolonged exposure to the Orb of Confusion will give you...er...confusion.

Man-Ray: [falsely polite] Excuse me, sir, but I do believe you've dropped your wallet.

Patrick: Doesn't look familiar to me.

Man-Ray: What? But, I just saw you drop it. Here.

Patrick: No, it's not mine.

Man-Ray: It is yours. I am trying to be a good person in returning it to you.

Patrick: Return what to who?

[Man-Ray claps a hand over his face in frustration]

Man-Ray: [holding up ID card] Aren't you Patrick Star?

Patrick: Yep.

Man-Ray: And this is your ID.

Patrick: Yep.

Man-Ray: I found this ID in this wallet. And if that's the case, this must be your wallet.

Patrick: That makes sense to me.

Man-Ray: Then take it.

Patrick: It's not my wallet.

[After SpongeBob and Patrick crash the Invisible Boat Mobile]

Patrick: Thank goodness for invisible seat belts!

[After Man-Ray unsuccessfully attempts to rob a bank]

Man-Ray: Agh! The belt is gone, but I still feel its tickle! The urge to do bad is gone! [to the lady at the counter] I guess I'll just open a checking account.

SpongeBob: Man-Ray!

Man-Ray: No need to be alarmed, SpongeBob. Your teachings have transformed me. Besides, I have checks with little poodles on them!

Squirrel Jokes [2.11b]

Mother: Don't stand too close to a squirrel, Billy. You'll catch its stupid!

Billy: [being dragged away] Okay, Mom.

Sandy: Stupidity isn't a virus. But it sure is spreadin' like one!

SpongeBob: Why does it take more than one squirrel to change a lightbulb? 'Because they're so darn stupid!

SpongeBob: Have you seen [Sandy's] teeth? I mean, you could land an airplane on them!

SpongeBob: What's up with fish? How can they smell SO BAD when they live underwater? Seriously, [imitates fish], SOAP, SOAP, WHAT IS SOAP?

SpongeBob: Oh, and crabs... they're so cheap, they can't even PAY attention!

Mister Krabs: It's true, I am cheap!

Spongebob: You know, there's one thing dumber than a squirrel... -and that's a sponge! I mean, look at me! [SpongeBob contorts himself] I got no bones!

[Patrick approaches SpongeBob, but is distracted by Sandy standing nearby]

Patrick: [to Sandy, voice is slow and exaggerated/drwn-out] Hhhheeeellllooooo...... Sssannnnddddyyyyy........ mmeeeee Ppaaaaattricckkk...

Pressure [2.12a]

Sandy: I'm a squirrel. See? [points to the acorn logo on her suit]

SpongeBob: I thought that meant you were nuts.

Sandy: I'll show y'all! I don't need this suit! [rips her suit off]

[SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs and Squidward gasp]

Sandy: And I don't need this helmet, neither! [takes off her helmet and breaks it]

Mr. Krabs: Neptune preserve her!

Squidward: How long can she stay like that?

SpongeBob: I don't know.

Patrick: Sandy's a girl?!

[Sandy sees SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward being attacked by giant sea gulls]

Sandy: [gasps] Holy guacamole! You can't eat my friends, you rats with wings! Hi-ya!

[She launches into karate mode and literally beats the stuffing out of the seagulls]

Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for feeling sorry for ourselves! Hip-hip...

SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Mr. Krabs & Sandy: HOORAY!

Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...

SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Mr. Krabs & Sandy: HOORAY!

Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...

Seagulls: Hooray... [their bodies are completely naked because of Sandy's karate]

The Smoking Peanut [2.12b]

Patrick: If I saw that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like "you" and "are" and "a jerk"!

Patrick: I'm getting so close to solving this crime, I can almost taste it. [licks what looks like SpongeBob] Boy, crime fighting makes me hungry, and this yellow popsicle hits the spot!

Patrick: [upon being arrested] Wow, you guys are good. I was the last person I would have suspected, but I was looking for me all the time! It's the perfect crime!

Police Officer: Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge, Pinky.

SpongeBob: I've...uhh...got to go get my hair cut!

Sandy: SpongeBob doesn't have hair...or does he?

P.A. Announcer: Attention all Zoo patrons, Clamu the Sea Oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream while running around in circles. Thanks for coming.

Shanghaied [2.13a]

SpongeBob: The sky had a baby from my cereal box!

Patrick: SpongeBob, the sky had a baby!

SpongeBob: I know! What do you think we should name it?

Flying Dutchman: You give me back the sock and I'll let you have... three wishes.

Patrick: Make it five!

Flying Dutchman: Four.

Patrick: Three! Take it or leave it!

Flying Dutchman: Okay...three. You get three wishes.

SpongeBob: Wow, three wishes, Pat! How cool is that?!

Patrick: Wishes?! I wish we'd known that earlier!

[The clock goes back one minute]

Flying Dutchman: Okay, you got two wishes left.

Kid: [regarding SpongeBob and Patrick] Those guys are dorks.

Flying Dutchman: Yes, but they're my dorks.

SpongeBob: But the door is locked, and the only way out is through the...perfume department...

Flying Dutchman: Oooooooooooh!

SpongeBob: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Patrick: Leedleedleedleedleedleedl....

SpongeBob: [to Squidward] What about all you said about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all?

Flying Dutchman: Arrggh. Insulting a man's ship, be worse than insulting his mother.

SpongeBob: No, no, wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship!

[Squidward screams in pain as the Flying Dutchman shoots nitrogen fire out of his nose]

Gary Takes a Bath [2.13b]

[SpongeBob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, has fallen into a giant mud puddle]

SpongeBob: [dismayed] I'm a dirty boy.

SpongeBob: Look, dubloons! [hands two bars of soap to Gary] Don't drop 'em!

[SpongeBob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, tries hypnotizing him]

SpongeBob: I am now going to assault your mind with subliminal messages...

[Images of a bathtub, a shower, a bar of soap, and then a picture of a girl with pigtails and crooked teeth appear - clearly perplexing SpongeBob]

SpongeBob: [walking away] Sorry you had to see that...

Welcome to The Chum Bucket [2.14a]

SpongeBob: The sign says "kitchen," but my heart says "jail."

[Music begins]

SpongeBob: [singing] A stove is a stove, no matter where you go.

Mr. Krabs: [singing] A patty is a patty, that's what I say.

SpongeBob: [singing] A grill is a grill, this is surely so.

Mr. Krabs: [singing] And fries should be fries either way.

SpongeBob: [singing] But this grill is not a home. This is not the stove I know.

Mr. Krabs: [singing] I would trade it all away, if you'd come back to stay.

Both: [singing] This kitchen's not the same without you.

Mr. Krabs: [singing] It's just a grill...

Spongebob: [singing] It's just a greasy stoooove...

Both: [singing] Without you...

[Spongebob falls flat onto his face and begins to sob]

Plankton: Don't you back-sass me!

SpongeBob:: [mocking Plankton] Nyeh nyeh nyeh!

Plankton: WHAT?!

SpongeBob: All this preparation is making me hungry.

Plankton: Me too! You know what would really hit the spot? Why don't you whip us up a couple of Krabby Patties?

SpongeBob: Mmm, I’m kind of in the mood for tacos.

Plankton: [chuckles] Good one, SpongeBob. But really, go ahead and make us some patties.

Plankton: SpongeBob, come in here! Or should I say RobotBob....Sponge...ChefPants... I put the brain in the robot, you know.

Frankendoodle [2.15b]

Patrick: [dazed after a giant wrench falls on his head] Where's the leak, ma'am?

SpongeBob: You okay, Patrick?

Patrick: [after subsequently being hit by a bowling ball] FINLAND!

Patrick: He's hideous! He makes me sick just looking at him! Those big bulgy eyes, that square body, those two buck teeth, AND THAT STUPID TIE!

[SpongeBob awkwardly clears his throat]

Patrick: [blushing] Oh, but it looks good on you, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: It's a jellyfish!

Patrick: Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.

SpongeBob: Huh! Everybody's a critic.

Patrick: SpongeBob! Your drawing's coming to life!

SpongeBob: Now, that's more like it Mr. Critic.

Patrick: No! I mean it's swimming away!

SpongeBob: Do you know what this means Patrick?

Patrick: Your art can never hang in a museum.

Patrick: Now all I need is a magic mustache, and all my dreams will have come true.

SpongeBob: Coming right up! [draws a mustache on Patrick]

Patrick: Life is good!

[The mustache flies away]

Patrick: Easy come, easy go.

[The magic mustache flies into the room and settles onto the top of Squidward's head]

Squidward: AH! UGLINESS!

SpongeBob: He's putting down the pencil! This is our chance! On the count of three, we'll jump out and surprise him!

Patrick: Oh boy, a surprise party! Is it his birthday?

[DoodleBob crashes through the wall and grabs SpongeBob]

Spongebob: Patrick! Patrick! Do something!

Patrick: Happy Birthday!

[DoodleBob tosses Spongebob to the side. Patrick presents a rock to DoodleBob]

Patrick: Here's your present!

[DoodleBob takes the rock and hits Patrick on the head]

Patrick: [woozily] You're welcome.

The Secret Box [2.16a]

Patrick: [snickers evilly] Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Good thing he didn't pull the secret string opening the... [pulls string] ...secret compartment of my secret box, revealing one embarrassing snapshot of SpongeBob at the Christmas party! Hahahahahahahaha! Merry Christmas, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: What could be in that box that Patrick doesn't want me to see? Maybe it's the world's only albino jellyfish... or maybe Patrick's a master jewel thief and it's filled with diamonds. [nervously] Or maybe Patrick's a deranged maniac who keeps his victim's severed heads in a box! Or even worse...maybe it's an embarrassing picture of me at the Christmas party! AHHHHHHHH!!!

Patrick: The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. [thought bubble above shows a live-action milk carton being spilt]

SpongeBob: It's no secret that the best thing about a secret, is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby secretly adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets, secretly... [Patrick drools and his brain starts sparking]

Patrick: So, it's come to this. And to think, we joined the "Best Friends Forever Club."

Patrick: Listen up, SpongeBob Secret Stealer Pants! If you ever come near my secret box, we won't be friends anymore!

SpongeBob: [with giant puppy-dog eyes] But...we're supposed to be...friends forever!

[SpongeBob is ashamed about stealing the box and angerin Patrick]

SpongeBob: [tearfully] I feel so filthy! I have soiled our friendship garden! I just couldn't help myself! [clinging to Patrick's leg from the rear] I know it's your secret, I promise to respect that! Oh, please forgive me, Patrick, please!

Patrick: Well...I guess it's not all your fault. After all, this is a pretty great secret.

SpongeBob: That's it! How do you look in a secret box? Secretly, of course! I'll just take the box while Patrick is sleeping, look in that box and give it back before Patrick wakes up. Patrick will never know and I'll have my own secret too. Good idea, eh, Gary?

Gary: Hmm... No!

SpongeBob: Ah, what do you know? You're a snail!

Band Geeks [2.15b]

[Squidward plays the clarinet poorly. There is a knock at door and he answers]

Doctor: Yeah, uh, we're from the pet hospital down the street, and we understand you have a dying animal on the premises.

[Squidward slams the door shut]

Squidward: Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the-- [blows clarinet]

Squilliam Fancyson: Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum?

Squidward: Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!

Squilliam: I heard you're playing the cash register now.

Squidward: Yeah, well, sometimes. How's the unibrow?

Squilliam: It's big and valuable.

[Patrick pries open the door from the outside after a big brawl with Sandy]

Patrick: Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on.

[Patrick enters, revealing his head has been shoved through a trombone]

Squidward: Has anyone played an instrument before?

Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?

Squidward: No.

Patrick: [raises hand] Is mayonnaise an instrument?

Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.

[Patrick raises his hand again]

Squidward: Horseradish is not an instrument either.

[Patrick puts his hand down]

Squidward: [pinned to the wall by percussion mallets] Too bad that didn't kill me.

Squidward: They couldn't come, they...died.

Squilliam: Then who's that? [points to the entrance]

Squidward: AAAH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!

[When clock ticks, everyone stops wrestling, they murmur and turn to leave, when the door opens, Squidward stands there]

Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance of happiness, and crushed it. Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-size pieces! I really had expected better of you people. [starts crying] I guess I'm a loser for that too! Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks. [cries] Thanks for nothing. [leaves]

Patrick: [after a lengthy silence] You're welcome.

Squidward: Okay, I've got a theory. People talk loud when they want to sound smart, right?

Plankton: CORRECT!

Squidward: A-one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four. [the band plays so loud that the glass breaks] Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.

Fish: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big meaty claws!

Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk?

Fish: BIG...MEATY...'CLAWS!

Mr. Krabs: Well these claws ain't just for attracting mates!

Fish: Bring it on old man, BRING IT ON!

SpongeBob: No people. Let's be smart and bring it off.

Female Fish: Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us!

Squidward: I've got to drum up a marching band fast! [chuckles] Drum...band humor!

[Everyone reading Squidward's fliers]

Sandy: Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?

Plankton: Then become part of the greatest musical sensation ever to hit Bikini Bottom!

Mrs. Puff: And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know!

Mr. Krabs: Not to mention...FREE refreshments!

Larry the Lobster: Practice begins tonight at 8:30 sharp.

Graveyard Shift [2.16a]

SpongeBob: Isn't this great, Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours, and then the sun will come up, and it'll be tomorrow, and we'll still be working! [gasps] It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK SQUIDWARD?

Squidward: No.

SpongeBob: GOOD! 'Cause we got CUSTOMERS!

Squidward: Here. [hands a baseball bat to a customer] Please hit me as hard as you can.

SpongeBob: Hey Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen. [giggles] At night.

Squidward: [tilts his head sideways to the customer with the bat] Don't hold back.

Squidward: And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties...it happened.

SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?

Squidward: No.

SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?

Squidward: No.

SpongeBob: Irregular portions?

Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake!

SpongeBob: You mean like this? [pulls out his arm, and another one grows back] Or this? [repeats] Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this?

Squidward: Except he wasn't a sponge.

SpongeBob: So?

Squidward: SO THEY DIDN'T GROW BACK!!

SpongeBob: [he and his arms that were pulled out jump in fear] OHH NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! [arms run away]

[Squidward is telling the story of the Hash-Slinging Slasher]

Squidward: So now, every-- what day is it?

SpongeBob: Tuesday.

Squidward: TUESDAY NIGHT, his ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance!

SpongeBob: Isn't this great, Squidward? There's no time to wash the ceiling during the day!

Squidward: "Open twenty-four hours a day." What a stupid idea! Who wants a Krabby Patty at three in the morning?!

[Inside Patrick's rock, Patrick is woken up by his alarm clock at 3:00 AM]

Patrick: Oh, boy, 3 AM! [pulls off his blanket to reveal a Krabby Patty and eats it]

Squidward: [nervously] Okay, what was it? There was the lights, [lights flicker] the phone, [phone rings] and... [turns around to see green ooze coming from the walls] THE WALLS WILL OOZE GREEN SLIME?! Oh wait, they always do that.

SpongeBob: I am just so touched that you would go to the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry-cook and stand on the other side of the road just to entertain me! You must really like me!

Squidward: SpongeBob, there are two problems with your theory. One: I hate you, and two: How can that be me, if I'm STANDING RIGHT HERE?!

Squidward: SpongeBob? No matter what I've said, I always sort of liked you!

SpongeBob: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet!

Squidward: Huh?

Squidward: Wait, if that was you on the phone and you on the bus...then who was flickering the lights? [camera pans over to Count Orlok flickering the light switch]

All: [playfully] NOSFERATU!

Krusty Love [2.16b]

Mr. Krabs: That's a penny short! [cries]

Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us.

[Mr. Krabs spots Mrs. Puff in the Krusty Krab.]

SpongeBob: Hey, that's my driving instructor, Mrs. Puff!

Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff? Aw, she's married.

SpongeBob: Oh no, Mr. Krabs; she's single.

Mr. Krabs: Then what happened to Mr. Puff?

[Mr. Puff is seen being used as a lamp]

SpongeBob: She doesn't like to talk about it.

Mrs. Puff: [after SpongeBob's rant is done] I didn't know SpongeBob had such a colorful vocabulary.

Mr. Krabs: I'm caught in the middle of me two great loves: sweet Mrs. Puff...and the rest of me money!

Procrastination [2.17a]

SpongeBob: I could not ask for a more beautiful day to write an essay. [looks outside and sees a tree and mountains]

SpongeBob: It should be against the law to have to write an essay on such a super, sailor-ific, sunshine-y day.

Mail Fish: Package for Mr. Squarepants.

SpongeBob: Great! Thanks. [trying to strike up a conversation] So, uh, you like delivering mail?

Mail Fish: It puts bread on the table.

SpongeBob: Rye or pumpernickel? [laughs]

Mail Fish: Oh, brother.

SpongeBob: So, do you deliver your own mail, or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers his mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well, I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain...

Mail Fish: [interrupting] Don't you have a paper to write?

[SpongeBob accidentally swallows a bit of eraser shaving, and quickly runs for water]

SpongeBob: [breathing deeply] That was a close one!

Gary: Meow.

Spongebob: [frowning] What do you mean, "overly dramatic," Gary?

SpongeBob: What?! I called to have an engaging conversation with you.

Patrick: [over the phone] Okay, I'm listening.

SpongeBob: Uhhh...Marco.

Patrick: Polo. [hangs up]

I'm with Stupid [2.17b]

Patrick: You know something, SpongeBob, it's all fun and games for you! Nothing really matters! [sarcastically] Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do! [angrily] Life's just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews, and nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe-- [getting increasingly worked up] --OR FABRICATE!

SpongeBob: [gently] But Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate.

[Patrick looks at SpongeBob for a split second, then falls at his feet and breaks down into tears]

SpongeBob: Patrick! You've forgotten how to eat again! I'll get the funnel!

Patrick: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Marty: Son, you actually recognized us this time!

Patrick: Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents?

Marty: You never were a bright one.

Marty: He makes phone operators seem smart!

Janet: He lives in a fruit?

Marty: That's unhealthy.

SpongeBob: Patrick, if your parents think your stupid then they must not know what stupid really is.

Patrick: But don't they watch television?

SpongeBob: If your parents saw a real stupid person they would realize how much of a genius you are.

Patrick: But don't geniuses live in a lamp?

Patrick: Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. [drools]

SpongeBob: [to Marty and Janet] Hi, I want to start off clean. I was only pretending to be stupid so you would appreciate Patrick a little more. I know how to talk and eat and do laundry. I even separate the darks from the lights. So, what do you say we start over? Hi! My name's SpongeBob SquarePants and I am not a dummy!

Marty: ...Ah-hah-hah-hah! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has already taught him how to talk in complete sentences! Good job, son!

Patrick: It wasn't easy, Dad!

SpongeBob: What?! No! I have a brain! See, here's a picture of it! [takes out a small picture of his brain]

Patrick: That must be actual size! [laughs with Marty and Janet]

SpongeBob: No, it's actual size and fully functional! See! [writes on a chalkboard] Two plus two equals four!

Marty: You taught him math, too!

SpongeBob: NOOOOOOO!!

Marty: AND you taught him to sing! Hah-hah!

SpongeBob: Oh, no, Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! I'll go get the funnel!

Patrick: No SpongeBob, it's not that.

SpongeBob: Darn! I like the funnel.

Marty: Isn't that right, Janet?

Janet: You bet, Marty!

Patrick: Janet? Marty? Who are you people?!

Janet: Marty, I'm scared!

Squidward: They've been banging on my door asking, "Where's Patrick?" all day! It's driving me nuts!

Marty: Oh-ho, yeah! I forgot. We don't have kids. [he Janet walk away]

Sailor Mouth [2.18a]

SpongeBob: Hello customers. Nice [dolphin chirps] day we're having, huh?

Sailor: [gasps] Did he just say...

Pirate: Aye, he did.

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, how the [dolphin chirps] are ya?

Patrick: Pretty [dolphin chirps] good SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: What, what, what?

SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick, Patrick!

Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes, yes?

SpongeBob: He said, he said, he said!

Mr. Krabs: Out with it, boy!

SpongeBob: Me and Patrick were playing Eels and Escelators and he was going up up up and I had to ride the eels and then we ran and Patrick he said some things.

Mr. Krabs: What kind of things?

SpongeBob: Well...

Mr. Krabs: Yes?

SpongeBob: Well, um, let's just say he said a certain word that you said he shouldn't say, and this particular word happens to be word #11 on a list of 13 words that you said shouldn't be said!

Mr. Krabs: Uh, right, what was that part about what, what, the...uh...about...who now?

[Mr. Krabs finds, to his utmost horror, that the Krusty Krab is deserted]

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, where have all me beautiful paying customers gone?

Squidward: [gesturing toward Spongebob and Patrick] Apparently, the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word. And SpongeBob just said it over the intercom.

[Mr. Krabs hits his foot on a rock]

Mr. Krabs: [wailing in pain] Oh my [dolphin chirps] foot! What [dolphin chirps] genius put a [dolphin chirps] rock in the [dolphin chirps] path?! Can't ya see I gotta [air horn] foot here?! Aw [seal yelps]! Ah [toot; seagull chirps]! [SpongeBob is counting the bad words] [low pitched fog horn] A whole lotta [second low pitched horn]! For this I [dolphin chirps] that I even have it a [bell and horn] boat load of [long low pitched horn]! Ah [seal yelps twice; seagull chirps] grabbin' [fog horn]! [starts bawling]

SpongeBob: That's all thirteen, Patrick! [gasps] We're gonna tell your mom, Mr. Krabs!

Mama Krabs: Oh, dear, my poor old heart.

[Mr. Krabs catches his mother in his arms as she keels over in a dead faint]

Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Oh, dear Mother, what have these foul-mouthed heathens done to you? [secretly takes a nickel from his mother and pockets it, then rounds angrily on SpongeBob and Patrick] You two should be ashamed, making an old lady faint with your sailor talk!

[All at once Mama Krabs opens her eyes and pulls away from her son]

Mama Krabs: [sternly] You should all be ashamed! And if you're going to talk like sailors, then you're going to work like sailors.

Mama Krabs: YEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! My [honk] foot!

[Everyone gasps]

Mr. Krabs: Mother!

Mama Krabs: What? It's Old Man Jenkins in his jalopy.

Old Man Jenkins: Howdy, Mrs. K!

[SpongeBob, Patrick, and Mr. Krabs burst out laughing]

Aritist Unknown [2.18b]

SpongeBob: First, I draw this head, then erase some of the more detailed features, and one, two, three, a circle, uh, thingy.

Squidward: Now repeat after me. I have no talent.

SpongeBob: I have no talent.

Squidward: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.

SpongeBob: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.

Squidward: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent will rub off on me.

SpongeBob: If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles on my art.

SpongeBob: Really?

Squidward: Really.

SpongeBob: Really?

Squidward: Really.

SpongeBob: Really?

Squidward: REALLY!

SpongeBob: Wow. Really?

Squidward: Let's go.

The Fry Cook Games [2.19b]

Patrick: D'oh, c'mon, you're just flipping patties.

SpongeBob: Hey, flipping is not as easy as it sounds!

[Patrick flips over a rock with his foot and makes a sizzling noise]

SpongeBob: Why don't you go home Patrick, you can compete in the "Laying Under A Rock All Day" games!

Patrick: [shocked] Well at least I don't polish my fingernails!

SpongeBob: [gasps] You take that back! [a gleam shows at the tip of his fingernails]

Patrick: [mocking] Fingernails, fingernails, fingernails!

SpongeBob: You don't even have fingernails!

Patrick: [shocked] I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM HEARING!

SpongeBob: HOW CAN YOU HEAR IT?! YOU DON'T HAVE EARS EITHER!

Patrick: [thinking of a way to say something about SpongeBob then spots SpongeBob's holes] HOLES, HOLES!

SpongeBob: Conehead!

Patrick: Yellow!

SpongeBob: Pink!

Patrick: [wearing yellow underwear] You know, these were white when I bought them.

Patrick: [after SpongeBob has erased part of his nametag] NOOOOOOOOO!! MY NAME'S...NOT...RICK!!

Plankton: Please turn your attention to the south-west corridor of the arena!

[Crowd turns to their right]

Plankton: Other way... [under his breath] Imbeciles.

Mr. Krabs: Win this one for the Krusty Krab!

SpongeBob: [runs forward] FOR THE KRUSTY KRAB!

Plankton: Win this one because I told you to!

Patrick: [runs forward as well] BECAUSE HE TOLD ME TOOOOOOOOO!

Plankton: [after Patrick and SpongeBob make up] Hey! Get back here and kill each other!

Squid on Strike [2.20a]

Squidward: Nobody cares about the fate of laborers as long as they can get their instant gratification.

Mr. Krabs: I've got a bad feeling in the pit of me wallet.

SpongeBob: [singing] We're goin' on strike, we're goin' on strike! I still don't know what "strike" means...but we're goin' on strike! [accidentally kicks Mr. Krabs]

Club Spongebob [1.1a]

[Patrick and Spongebob are watching Squidward on his bike]

Spongebob: Way wook! It's Widward! Widward's woing to work.

Patrick: Where... does he work? Wat the Wusty Wab? [they laugh]

Squidward: [Spotting Spongebob and Patrick up in a tree house in a kelp tree] What´s that supposed to be? Some kind of a stupid secret code?

Spongebob: We can´t tell you, ´cause you´re not a member of the club!

Squidward: Oh yeah? What does it take to be a member, besides being a moron? [laughs] Moron. As a requirement.

Squidward: I'll have you know, I am a member of over twenty exclusive clubs all across the sea bottom!

Patrick: What'd he say?

SpongeBob: I don't know, something about his nose?

Patrick: Squidward, you and your nose will never fit in!

SpongeBob: Magic Conch? What do we do to escape the kelp forest?

Magic Conch: Nothing.

Patrick: The shell has spoken!

Squidward: Nothing?! We can't just sit here and do nothing! [sees that they are doing nothing; groans angrily]

Forest Ranger: Okay, Magic Conch, what do we do now?

Magic Conch: Nothing.

Spongebob, Patrick & Forest Ranger: All hail the Magic Conch!

Squidward: [looks defeated and exhausted] All hail the Magic Conch!

gik --84.36.152.42 11:05, 14 July 2009 (UTC)meman

The Algae's Always Greener [1.1b]

[Karen projects holographic meatloaf, Plankton pokes it with a fork]

Plankton: Oh goodie, holographic meatloaf again. [slams fist on table] When do I get to have some real food? Mr. Krabs gets to have real food. Just look at his daughter-- she's as big as a whale!

Plankton: All mine... it's finally all mine... the patties... the wealth... the noteriety... the- [notices Spongebob] SpongeBob? What are you doing here?

SpongeBob: Um... Well, sir, just that it's Tuesday again, and I was hoping for...my... [quickly] weekly performance review.

Plankton: Review? But I've never reviewed anything...except for those foreign exercise videos my cousin sent me.

SpongeBob: I tried, Mr. Plankton... I really did...

Plankton: What?!

SpongeBob: A customer ordered a medium soda and I gave him a large! I gave him a large! I've soiled the Krusty Krab name! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! [continues]

Plankton: [points finger at SpongeBob] I command you to stop that. Stop that at once! [pokes at SpongeBob] Where's the off button on this thing?!

Pearl: That's it, daddy! I've decided I'm going to run away! Run away and find a new daddy!

Plankton: MAKE IT STOP! [an alarm goes off] What, did I say the secret word?

SpongeBob: But sir, there's gotta be something I need to improve on... ANYTHING!

Plankton: All right, the sauce.

SpongeBob: [takes a step back] What...?

Plankton: The sauce, you're usin' too much sauce. Okay? Review's over.

[SpongeBob's eyes grow squinted and slanted, lips become distorted, and starts to spasm back and forth with his arms, making noises as if he's about to sob]

Plankton: What's wrong with you? All I said was a little too much sauce, it's no big deal, really. Aah, what do you want from me, a promotion?!

SpongeBob: [turns instantly normal] A promo- a promo- A PROMOTION?!

Plankton: Eeh, sure, kid. You're uh... you're on register now.

SpongeBob: [a lit fuse having appeared as if he were a bomb] [gasps] Register? [explodes]

Plankton: Glad that's over.

Plankton: I don't understand, is there a gas leak in here?

Plankton: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! [rips off shirt] It's not worth it! It's just not worth it! Goodbye, everyone, I'll remember you all in therapy!

SpongeGuard on Duty [1.1b]

Larry: [on being a lifeguard] You know, SpongeBob, the girls and the big chair are great, but the best part is knowing that you're the only thing standing between these good people [cuts to annual hot dog chug, then back] and a watery grave. And that's what it's all about. Their lives are in your hands now... 'Cause I got a date with a tanning booth!

SpongeBob: I'm every bit as cool as Larry. And if I'm not, let me be struck by-- [lightning flashes overhead] --a flying ice cream truck! [a flying ice cream truck plummets in Spongebob's direction] AND LIVE!

[The flying ice cream truck stops just above SpongeBob, then drops onto him gently]

Larry: [through megaphone] PLEASE DO NOT LAND FLYING ICE CREAM TRUCKS ON THE BATHERS.

Patrick: Being a lifeguard is so dumb! All they do is blow, blow, blow on their stupid whistles, rub, rub, rub that white stuff on their noses, and show off their GROSS, MISSHAPEN BODIES!!

[Patrick's enormous belly pops into view]

Fish: Dude, put that thing away! There are, like, children here!

[Patrick tucks his belly into his pants, then his feet triple in size]

Patrick: (angrily) I'm going to the snack bar

SpongeBob: Besides, what's the worst that can happen? [imagines everybody in the lake turning into tombstones] AHHHHH!! [runs into the lifeguard tower, rings the bell, and speaks into the megaphone] EMERGENCY! EVERYBODY OUT OF THE WATER!!

Patrick: Help, help! I'm drowning, I've got butt cramps, I still want ice cream, and now it's daaaark!

Just One Bite [3.3a]

SpongeBob: But it's good for you.

Squidward: Good for you? That thing is a heart attack on a bun!

SpongeBob: No, Squidward, I meant...good for your soul.

[A halo appears over Spongebob's head, and a heavenly background is displayed. An angelic choir is heard singing serenely]

Squidward: Oh, please! I have no soul.

[Background turns to flames; an evil, demonic laugh is heard. Squidward gets a shocked look on his face]

SpongeBob: Hey, everyone! Squidward says he doesn't like Krabby Patties! Haw!

[Everyone laughs]

Squidward: Don't encourage them! They'll never leave.

SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, it's just so funny! You know what we say...

Customers: The only people who don't like a Krabby Patty have never tasted one!

SpongeBob: [trying to get Squidward to eat a Krabby Patty] If you try it, you'll love it!

Squidward: Try one of those radioactive sludge balls you call food? Next, I suppose you'll want me to go square-dancing with Patrick!

SpongeBob: [to Patrick, who is dressed as a cowboy] Sorry, Patrick.

[Patrick whimpers and walks away]

SpongeBob: [holding the Krabby Patty out to Squidward while Squidward is in the restroom] Just smell it!

Squidward: If I didn't want it out there, what makes you think I find it more appealing In here?!

Squidward: [snatching the Krabby Patty away] Give me that! When I die, you stay away from my funeral.

Squidward: (hands a customer his tray of food) Here you go, sir. A King Size Ultra Krabby Supreme with the works, double batter fried on a stick. (puts a stick into the food)

Harold: Thanks! (walks off)

Squidward: Barnacle head. (harold comes back)

Harold: Pardon me?

Squidward: (holds up a mayonnaise bottle) You forgot your mayonnaise. (sets it on the harold’s tray)

Harold: Thanks. (walks off and sits at his table)

Nasty Patty [3.4a]

Realistic Fishhead: We interrupt this can-can to bring you this important message.

Mr. Krabs: Why, that's the most diabolical Krabby Patty ever spawned!

SpongeBob: I call it...the Nasty Patty!

Mr. Krabs: We've been duped!

SpongeBob: Duped!

Mr. Krabs: Bamboozled!

SpongeBob: We've been smeckledorfed!

Mr. Krabs: That's not even a word and I agree with ya!

SpongeBob: Ew! Gross! Germs! It's all icky and corpse-y!

Mr. Krabs: Now SpongeBob, when we get to the Krusty Krab I want you to take that shovel and stuff-I mean stow it in the freezer. Understand?

SpongeBob: I understand Mr. Krabs, but what do you want me to do with the bo--

Mr. Krabs: [clamps his claw over SpongeBob's mouth] Bottles of soda! Bottles of soda, same thing, put 'em in the freezer.

Mr. Krabs: [after the officer asks for ice] Ice?! There's never been any ice! Ice is just a myth!

Nancy O'Malley: You people act like you’ve committed a murder.

Mr. Krabs: Okay, I confess! SpongeBob killed him!

SpongeBob: What?! You can't pin this whole rep on me!

Mr. Krabs: He was insane! Out of control! He would've killed me too if you hadn't come along!

SpongeBob: It was all Mr. Krabs' idea!

Mr. Krabs: Put him down now!

SpongeBob: HE WEARS CURLERS TO BED!!

Mr. Krabs: Wait! It's not what you think!

Nancy O'Malley: What are you two talking about?

Mr. Krabs: We killed a health inspector!! Buried him, and then stuffed his body in the freezer!

SpongeBob: I'll never survive in prison! They'll mop the floor with me!

Mr. Krabs: [after finding out that the health inspector isn't dead after all, and that the Krusty Krab has passed the health inspection] Come on, everybody! Krabby Patties at half price! Well, not really.

Narrator: [at the end] Well, that's the story. Yes, they are all idiots, aren't they?

Idiot Box [3.4b]

SpongeBob: With imagination, I can be anything I want. A pirate. [pretends to be a pirate] Argh! A football player! [pretends to be a football player] Hup!

Patrick: A starfish!

Squidward: Patrick, you're already a starfish.

Patrick: See, Squidward, it works!

[After an imaginary avalanche]

Patrick: [weakly] Hold me.

SpongeBob: [sobbing] Hang in there, buddy, the chopper's on the way.

Patrick: SpongeBob, my legs are frozen solid. You'll have to cut them off with the saw.

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, I can't do that.

Patrick: Why not?

SpongeBob: [in anguish] Because I already cut off my own arms!

Patrick: NOOOOOOOOO!

Squidward: How are you doing that?

SpongeBob: First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet.

Squidward: The noises! How are you two making those noises?

Patrick: Well, that's easy. All you need is a box.

SpongeBob: And...imagination! [forms a rainbow with his hands]

Squidward: Are you trying to say I have no imagination?! I have more imagination in one tentacle than you two have in your whole bodies!

Patrick: That's good! Now all you need is a box.

Squidward: All right, where is it?

Patrick: [head pokes out of the hat box] Here I am!

SpongeBob: Where's what, Squidward?

Squidward: Don't "Where's what, Squidward?" me! Where's the tape recorder?

SpongeBob: We don't have a tape recorder, Squidward.

Squidward: Don't "We don't have a tape recorder, Squidward" me!

SpongeBob: But we don't.

Patrick: We have a tape recorder box.

Suidward: Alright, make way you 2, I am coming in.

[Squidward turns on the television]

Narrator: ...it is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly.

[Squidward changes the channel]

Professor: The equation is illustrated here by this box.

[Squidward changes the channel]

Male Fish: I couldn't afford you a present this year, so I got you this box. [shows her a box]

Female Fish: [joyfully] That's what I got you too!

Squidward: Isn't there anything on TV that isn't about boxes?

[Squidward changes the channel]

Announcer: ...and welcome back to Championship Boxing.

Squidward: [laughs] Well, I guess this is okay. I mean, it's not really about boxes.

[2 cardboard boxes start sliding at each other in the boxing ring]

Squidward: I give up.

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy IV [3.5a]

Patrick: You had it set to M for Mini, [turns the M upside-down], when it should be set to W for Wumbo!

SpongeBob: Patrick, I don't think Wumbo is a real word.

Patrick: Come on, you know. I Wumbo, you wumbo, he, she, me, wumbo, wumbo, wumboing, I'll have three wumbo, wumbora, wumbology, the study of wumbo? It's first grade, SpongeBob!

Squidward: [while Patrick is still talking] I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me.

Snowball Effect [3.6a]

SpongeBob: Can I be Mr. Krabs?

Squidward: No! Wait, why?

SpongeBob: He's a good leader.

SpongeBob: Score one for the boys back home!

[Squidward answers his door to find Patrick with a mouthful of snow trying to tell him something]

Squidward: Oh. Patrick. What an unpleasant surprise.

[Patrick tries to mime what he needs to Squidward]

Squidward: [with mock enthusiasm] Oh, boy, nothing like a game of charades.

[At last Patrick regains his ability to talk properly]

Patrick: [in one breath] I was trying to tell you that I was choking on snow, but the snow melted and turned into water and I drank all the water, now I'm better.

[There is a brief moment of silence]

Squidward: [deadpan] Fascinating. [shuts the door in Patrick's face]

Patrick: [knocks on door again] Can I use your bathroom?

Squidward: Patrick, go use your own bathroom.

Patrick: I don't think I can make it, please?

Squidward: No.

Patrick: Please.

Squidward: No.

Patrick: PLEASE.

Squidward: No.

Patrick: PLEASE!

Squidward: All right, make it quick.

Patrick: ...That's okay.

One Krab's Trash [3.6b]

Patrick: Hey, that looks like the toilet plunger I threw out yesterday!

Mr. Krabs: Er... no! That's not a toilet plunger! It's an... ancient soup ladle! [Flips red part of plunger upside down.]

Patrick: How much?

Mr. Krabs: Five bucks.

Patrick: I've only got seven.

Mr. Krabs: Deal.

Patrick: Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper.

[Mr. Krabs draws a picture of a ghost on a piece of notebook paper. Attaching it to a piece of string, he dangles it over SpongeBob's bed, through an adjacent window]

Mr. Krabs: [in a haunting manner] OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!

SpongeBob: OH MY GOSH! A FLOATING SHOPPING LIST!

[Mr. Krabs, remembering that the opposite page was recently used as list of groceries, flips the page over]

Mr. Krabs: I'M NOT A SHOPPING LIST, I'M A GHOOOOOOOOOOSTT!!

SpongeBob: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mr. Krabs: That hat makes you look like a girl.

SpongeBob: [blushing] Am I a pretty girl?

Mr. Krabs: Er...you're beautiful. [receives a strange look from a passer-by]

Mr. Krabs: Oh, no! I've seen this on the late show. You ghoulish fiends hold me down and take turns nibblin' on my innards! Then you eat my brain and leave my body for the buzzards!

Smitty Werben Jegar Man Jensen: That's disgusting! We just want the hat back.

Mr. Krabs: Am I really going to defile this grave for money? [brief pause] Of course I am!

[Mr. Krabs sees Squidward place a bouquet of flowers on a grave. After Squidward walks away, Mr. Krabs moves closer and reads what's on the headstone]

Mr. Krabs: "Here Lies Squidward's Hopes and Dreams." What a baby.

Mr. Krabs: Just think about what Spongebob said-- what was it?

SpongeBob: [in Mr. Krabs' head] Remember...licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.

Mr. Krabs: No...not that...

[After Mr. Krabs realizes the hat is worthless after all]

Mr. Krabs: Well, that's a spirit breaker.

[Mr. Krabs tosses the hat away and starts to bawl. Squidward looks on with disdain]

Squidward: What a baby.

As Seen on T.V. [3.7a]

Mr. Krabs, Pearl, & Squidward: [singing] The Krusty Krab! Come spend your money here!

SpongeBob: Next thing you know people'll start opening doors for me!

[A man opens a door to go inside the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob thinks that the man is holding the door open for him]

SpongeBob: [gasps] Why sir, I'm flattered!

Man: [smells the air] Really? I don't smell anything.

Old Man Jenkins: Hey, I saw you on TV last night.

SpongeBob: You did?

Old Man Jenkins: Yeah, you were in a commercial!

[Match-cut to a commercial for "Bran Flakes" that Old Man Jenkins saw]

SpongeBob: You're right, I was! Wow, he recognized me! Well, I have to go to work. See you later, old man!

Old Man Jenkins: Yep, see you later Bran Flakes! What a nice cereal box...

Can You Spare a Dime? [3.7b]

Mr. Krabs: Well, the way I see it, there are three possibilities: One, you stole it. Two, you stole it. And three, YOU STOLE IT!

Squidward: [about Spongebob] Teacher's pet.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Gary! Squidward is not a free-loader! And he'd never take advantage of me!

[After Squidward has stayed with them for quite a while]

Gary: [wearily] Meow, meow.

SpongeBob: I KNOW HE STILL ISN'T LOOKING FOR WORK! DON'T RUB IT IN!!

SpongeBob: [presenting a glass of lemonade to Squidward] Here you are, Your Majesty.

Squidward: I can't drink this!

SpongeBob: Why not?

Squidward: Are you blind? Just look at it!

SpongeBob: What about it?

Squidward: That lemon has three seeds in it! That's an odd number! I can't eat anything odd-numbered!

SpongeBob: Fine, I'll take it out!

Squidward: It's already contaminated by the bad lemon! It won't work!

SpongeBob: [muttering] That makes two things in this house that won't work.

Squidward: Then go fix them.

SpongeBob: [louder] Two things that won't...work!

[SpongeBob is putting on a puppet show through his TV unbeknownst to Squidward]

Puppet #1: Hey, where you goin'?

Puppet #2: To my job!

Puppet #1: You have a job?

Puppet #2: Why wouldn't I? I'm not some lazy inconsiderate jerk who lays in bed all day!

Puppet #1: Say, where can I find one of these...jobs?

Puppet #2: Oh, they're everywhere. They'll even hire you if you're green and have six tentacles!

Puppet #1: Thanks! I'm gonna get one so I can stop mooching off my friends and they can get back to their lives!

Squidward: This isn't my show! Spongebob! The remote control's broken! Get over here and fix it!

SpongeBob: I've got a better idea! Why don't I call someone whose job it is to fix it? You know why? Because when I need a job done I get someone with a job to do that JOB!

Squidward: What are you saying?

Mr. Krabs: [on the phone] Donate to the Children's Fund? Why? What have children ever done for me?

SpongeBob: [ripping phone away] You want your dime back?! TAKE IT! Now Squidward can come back, right?

[Mr. Krabs inspects the dime]

Mr. Krabs: Wrong! That ain't me first dime!

SpongeBob: Then have some more dimes! I'VE GOT PLENTY OF 'EM!

Mr. Krabs: You can't put a price on me first dime! And I can't forgive that thieving bilge rat Squidward for stealing it!

[SpongeBob seizes Mr. Krabs by the throat and lifts him up into the air]

SpongeBob: Listen, you crustaceous cheapskate! Squidward's been living at my house, driving me crazy! [shaking Mr. Krabs] AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HIRE HIM BACK, ALL BECAUSE OF A STUPID DIME?!!

No Weenies Allowed [3.8a]

Sandy: SpongeBob's acting jumpier than a rattlesnake in a pickle barrel. Wait...what?

Sandy: Back in Texas, we call ice cream "frozen cow juice."

[SpongeBob, while karate-fighting Sandy, has accidentally landed in a picnicking family's potato salad]

Tom: Way to go, buddy. It took us three days to make that potato salad. [SpongeBob shoots away] THREE DAYS!

[SpongeBob is ready to attack Sandy again, but then he realizes she is nowhere in sight]

SpongeBob: Sandy?

Sandy: Oh, I'm sandy, all right. [emerges from the sand beneath Spongebob's feet] I'm very sandy.

Spongebob: Oh, i get it, she's Sandy, that's also her name, and she's covered in....yes!

[SpongeBob and Sandy come across a long line of tough-looking fish]

Sandy: Hey, what's everyone waitin' in line for?

Gruff Sailor Fish: Oh, wait, fair lass. It be the line to get into the Salty Spitoon, the roughest, toughest sailor club ever to be built under the seven seas. Only the baddest of the bad can get in. You need to have muscles. [reveals his powerful muscles] You need to have muscles on your muscles! [reveals smaller muscles on his larger muscles] You need to have muscles on your eyeballs! [sticks out his eyeballs and reveals his eyeball muscles]

SpongeBob: Eww.

Reg: Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are you?

Sandy: How tough am I? [rips off his tattoo, which reads "MOM", off his chest and puts it back upside down, so that it now reads "WOW"]

SpongeBob: Wow...

Sandy: Got any more tattoos?

Reg: Uh, that won't be necessary. Go ahead in.

Reg: Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are you?

SpongeBob: How tough am I? You got a bottle of ketchup?

Reg: Sure. [hands SpongeBob a bottle of ketchup]

SpongeBob: It's on! [takes the bottle and struggles to open it] Now if I could run this under some hot water...

Reg: Get outta here!

Robotic Waiter: Care for another sundae, weenie?

SpongeBob: I am not a weenie!

Nerd 1: Relax, you're among friends.

SpongeBob: My friends don't hang out at Weenie Hut Jr.'s!

Patrick: [slurping a soda] You tell 'em, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you doing here?!

Patrick: I'm always here on Double Weenie Wednesday.

Nerd 1: Actually they moved Double Weenie Wednesday to Friday.

Nerd 2: And besides, today's Monday.

Patrick: Oh, so it's Mega Weenie Monday?

Nerd 1: Uh, that's now on Sunday.

Patrick: Barnicles!

Nerd 2: Super Weenie Hut Jr.'s has a Mega Weenie Monday.

Nerd 1: Uh, no, you're thinking of Monster Weenie Monday

SpongeBob: I don't have time for this!

Nerd 1: Hey, how come you never help us with any of our problems?

Robotic Waiter: I am a robot, not a miracle worker.

SpongeBob: This is the happiest day of my life! [runs into Salty Spitoon]

[Cuts away to the inside of ambulance, where SpongeBob is injured and Sandy stands beside him]

SpongeBob: Sandy? [groans] What happened?

Sandy: You ran inside and slipped on an ice cube.

Dr. Gill Gilliam: [at hospital] What happened?

SpongeBob: I slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos.

Dr. Gill Gilliam: Boo-boos, eh? Hmm... I think you guys want that hospital. [points to other building]

SpongeBob: Weenie Hut General?!

Squilliam Returns [3.8b]

Squidward: Please, Mr. Krabs, you got to help me! When they get here tonight, they’re going to see I’m just a big phony and a loser!

Mr. Krabs: Oh, boo-hoo! Let me play a sad song for you on the world’s smallest violin. (moves his fingers and music plays)

Squidward: This is serious.

Mr. Krabs: I know, this really is the world’s smallest violin. (violin is shown) See?

Krab Borg [3.9a]

SpongeBob: Squidward's father... never hugged him... isn't that sad?

Mr. Krabs: Yes, I suppose that is rather sad, but Squidward can hug himself DURING HIS BREAK!

Mr. Krabs: You're gonna interrogate my blender?

Squidward: We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs. But how?

SpongeBob: Well, in the movie the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.

Squidward: They poop on the robot?

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Squidward! What's the meaning of this? Untie me this instant!

Squidward: Shut up! (slaps Mr. Krabs)

Mr. Krabs: Sweet Davy Jones, what the heck is going on?

Squidward: Imeaning of this? Untie me this instant! said shut up, you bucket of bolts! (slaps him again)

SpongeBob: I can't take it! (runs off, crying)

Squidward: SpongeBob, are you okay?

SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, seeing you slap Mr. Krabs like that is just too horrible to watch!

Squidward: No, that's not Mr. Krabs. That's Robot Krabs. (Mr. Krabs is trying to get out of his chair)

SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.

Squidward: And the only way to deal with these robot types is to find out what they know.

SpongeBob: Right. (slaps Mr. Krabs)

Squidward: SpongeBob, you gotta ask him a question first.

SpongeBob: Oh yeah. What color is my underwear? (slaps him again)

Squidward: SpongeBob, let me handle this. (turns a light on Mr. Krabs) Where's Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: What are you talking about? I'm Mr. Krabs. (Squid slaps him again)

Squidward: We can do this all night if you want. Where's Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: I'm Mr. Krabs.

SpongeBob: Where's Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: I'm Mr. Krabs.

Squidward: Where's Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: I am Mr. Krabs! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am!

SpongeBob: This is one stubborn robot.

Mr. Krabs: (yells) WHAT?! (his yelling knocks over the light) YOU THINK I'M A ROBOT?!

Squidward: We don't think; we know.

Rock-a-Bye Bivalve [3.9b]

SpongeBob: I am a happy sponge!

Patrick: I want to be the mom!

SpongeBob: I don't think you can be the mom, Patrick, because you never wear a shirt.

Patrick: You're right. if I was a mom... [the camera draws back to reveal Patrick's hairy, obese, unsightly form] ...this would be kind of shocking. [lifts his arms, revealing armpit hair] Just call me Daddy!

Spongebob: OVERTIME?!?!

[Patrick and SpongeBob are having a huge fight when the scallop's chirping interrupts them]

Patrick: There's that stupid noise again!

SpongeBob: Oh, that's not a stupid noise. That's just Junior about to jump out of the two-story window.

[Patrick and SpongeBob see Junior teetering on the edge of the window of SpongeBob's house]

Patrick: Oh.

[All at once Patrick and Spongebob are struck by what's happening]

Patrick & SpongeBob: JUNIOR!!!!!

SpongeBob: Did you catch him?

Patrick: [looking sadly at his empty hands] No.

Patrick & SpongeBob: [crying] We're bad parents!

[As SpongeBob and Patrick watch the scallop fly away]

SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, he doesn't need us anymore.

Patrick: This is the hardest part of every parent's life, I assume.

SpongeBob: Despite all we've been through, it was worth it.

Patrick: Yeah... Let's have another!

[SpongeBob looks alarmed]

Wet Painters [3.10a]

[Mr. Krabs sees the pandemonium SpongeBob and Patrick are causing in the Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs: What the devilfish is going on here? Time is money! And if you boys is wasting time, then you're wasting money! And that's just sick.

SpongeBob: But we were performing a ritual to attract customers. And the only way the ritual can work is for us to get hurt. Real bad.

Mr. Krabs: What stupid barnacle told you that?

[Squidward smiles sheepishly and hides his face behind the magazine he's reading]

SpongeBob: Patrick?

Patrick: Yeah, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: [gazing around at Mr. Krabs' numerous valuables on the walls] Mr. Krabs sure has a lot of expensive treasures to drip paint on. Do you think we should take this stuff off the walls?

Patrick: No way, SpongeBob! We're not getting paid to move stuff.

SpongeBob: Patrick, we're not getting paid at all.

Patrick: Well, that's what I said. We're not getting paid, and that's final!

SpongeBob: Okay, we'll just paint around this stuff.

Patrick: Good. Just don't pay me.

[SpongeBob dips his brush into one of the cans of paint and tentatively approaches one of the walls]

SpongeBob: All right, Patrick, let's get started painting this wall, with the permanent paint that we're not allowed to get on anything but the wall! Well, here we go.

[A time card reading "One hour later" appears on the screen]

Narrator: One hour later...

SpongeBob: [sweating profusely] Just a few more seconds of mental preparation, and I'll be painting this wall.

[The next time card reads "Two hours later"]

Narrator: Two hours later...

[SpongeBob is still standing in the same spot, and not a drop of paint has touched the wall]

SpongeBob: I'm getting to the painting...

[The next time card reads "Three hours later"]

Narrator: Three hours later...

Patrick: [pulls the time card out of the scene] Could you move it along? I'm all out of time cards.

[SpongeBob sees, to his great horror, a giant paint bubble floating in the air]

SpongeBob: Barnacles! What could be worse than a giant paint bubble?!

Patrick: Oh, I know! [takes a bubble wand out of his pocket, dips it eagerly into his own can of paint, and blows out a second paint bubble] Two giant paint bubbles!

[SpongeBob screams. The two bubbles merge together to form one colossal bubble]

SpongeBob: Patrick?

Patrick: Yeah, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: I don't think this bubble can get much bigger!

Patrick: Nonsense! [starts blowing up the bubble even more with a bicycle pump]

Patrick: This is all Mr. Krabs' fault! If he hadn't hung that stupid dollar in the first place! I mean, it's not like it looks any different from a regular dollar! Why hang it?! You could just stick any old dollar bill up on the wall, no one would even know the difference! You might as well just reach into my wallet, pull out a dollar, and put it on the wall! And it wouldn't even--

SpongeBob: Hurry, Patrick, get your wallet out!

Patrick: [fishing his wallet out of his back pocket] I don't see where you're going with this--hey, a dollar!

SpongeBob: Our butts are saved, Patrick! Now all we have to do is-- [Patrick puts it in a vending machine] NO! PATRICK! NO! [the dollar comes back out of the machine] PAT! GET IT! GET IT! GET IT! PAT! GET IT! [Patrick puts the dollar back into the machine] Noooooo! [the dollar comes back out again] GRAB IT PAT! GRAB IT! GRAB IT! [Patrick puts the dollar back in again] Nooo-hoooo!

Patrick: [chewing a candy bar] Want a bite?

Mr. Krabs: Criminy-Jim-Jam! You messed up my DOLLAR...ama. [walks up to a carefully assorted display of dolls, SpongeBob and Patrick kneel looking dumbfounded]

Mr. Krabs: All the dolls in this doller-ama were perfectly alligned. [alligns a doll] And you boys thought I wouldn't notice! Oh well, I guess no harm done. Ah well, boys, you're free to go.

[Mr. Krabs sees SpongeBob hanging from the spot where his first dollar is supposed to be]

SpongeBob: Hi, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: Spongebob, what are you doing?

SpongeBob: Oh, just...you know...hanging around.

Patrick: [flashing a thumbs-down] Boo!

Mr. Krabs: Get down onto the floor, boy.

[SpongeBob stretches out his body, so that his feet touch the floor. Mr. Krabs is not amused]

Mr. Krabs: All right, now you're just being silly.

[Mr. Krabs sees his paint-covered dollar]

Mr. Krabs: Did you two get paint all over me first dollar?

Patrick & SpongeBob: We're sorry, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: And then did you draw on it with crayon?

[A smiling face is seen scrawled on the front of the dollar. SpongeBob looks at Patrick, who holds up a crayon innocently]

Patrick: I thought, you know, maybe he'd buy it.

[Mr. Krabs takes his dollar and gives it one great big lick. When he puts it back on the wall, every last trace of paint and crayon is gone]

Mr. Krabs: [satisfied] There we go, good as new.

[Patrick and SpongeBob are dumbfounded, and start babbling]

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva.

SpongeBob: [beaming] Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs. You told us the paint was permanent so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything!

Mr. Krabs: Nah, I just like to mess with ya!

[Mr. Krabs bursts into gales of laughter. SpongeBob and Patrick both scowl, and walk out the front door in a huff. Mr. Krabs laughs so hard that saliva sprays out of his mouth, causing the paint to ooze down his walls. When he's finally stopped laughing enough to see what's going on, his house is a mess]

Mr. Krabs: Aw, crud. I really gotta learn to say it, not spray it.

Krusty Krab Training Video [3.10b]

Patrick: I'll have, uhhhhhhh... [falls asleep]

Squidward: [snapping his fingers to wake Patrick] Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else!

Narrator: Uh, uh, uh, Squidward. Remember what Mr. Krabs said...

Mr. Krabs: The money's always right!

Patrick: The ceiling's right, Squidward. You aren't a very good employee.

Squidward: [irritated] Fine! May I please take your order?!

Patrick: Huh?! Oh! Right!! I'll have uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Narrator: Psst. Squidward. Remember: POOP!

Squidward: Patrick, if I could make a suggestion, why don't you order a Krabby Patty?

Patrick: Great idea, Squidward! One Krabby Patty, please.

Squidward: Whew... Is that for here or to go? [gasps, covers his mouth]

Patrick: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

[Squidward bangs his head on the cash register repeatedly]

Mr. Krabs: Now are you gonna order something or just stand there, 'cause there's a standin' fee.

Narrator: [to an estatic Spongebob, who is hoping to start making a Krabby Patty] Are you ready?

[SpongeBob nods vigorously]

Narrator: Are you sure?

[SpongeBob nods so fast he nearly severs his head]

Narrator: Okay! The Secret Formula is-- [episode ends]

Narrator: REMEMBER, NO EMPLOYEE WANTS TO BE A SQUIDWARD.

Narrator: Nuh-uh-uh, Squidward. Remember what Mister Krabs says...

Mister Krabs: The money is always right!

Narrator: (regarding Patrcik) Like precious blood in an animal, the customer keeps the Krusty Krab afloat.

Patrick: SQUIRDWARD! Your ceiling is talking to me!

Squidward: (sighs) Are you going to order or make friends with the panelling?

Party Pooper Pants [3.11]

Patrick: [reading his name tag that says, "HELLO, MY NAME IS PATRICK" upside down] Kirtap si eman, Y, M, O, 77, eh. I don't get it.

Mr. Krabs: No, you big dummy! It says "Hello, my name is Patrick"!

Patrick: [shakes his hand] Nice to meet you, Patrick!

[looking at discussion cards]

Mr. Krabs: What does yours say, Plankton?

Plankton: Um... Oh, yes. "Discuss the secret formula for the Krabby Patty." [the card actually reads, "Where are you from?"] Ahem... How interesting.

Mr. Krabs: Nice try, Plankton.

SpongeBob: I can take losing the topic cards and the phone in punchbowl, but I WAS SUPPOSED TO LEAD THE BUNNY HOP! THIS IS A BUNCH OF BARNACLES! I'M BREAKING IN!

Chocolate with Nuts [3.12a]

SpongeBob: Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.

[They knock on a door]

Fish: Hello?

Patrick: I love you.

[The fish slams the door shut]

SpongeBob: I think you laid it a teensy bit thick there, 'ol pal. Let me give it a try. [knocks on door]

Fish: Please, g-go away!

SpongeBob: Hey uh, [coughs] ho-how ya doin'?

Fish: How am I doin'?

SpongeBob: Wanna buy some chocolate?

Patrick: WE GOT 'IM NOW!

Fish: Sorry, chocolate is sugar, and sugar is bubbling fat. Isn't that right, lover boy?

Patrick: [his stomach is bubbling; he laughs] It tickles.

Spongebob: Uh, hi. Can we interest you in some... [holds up chocolate bar] chocolate?

Tom: Chocolate? Did you say chocolate?!

Patrick: Yes, sir! With or without nuts?

Tom: Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?! CHOOOOOCOLAAAAAAAATE!!!!! CHOOOOOCOLAAAAAAAATE!!!!! [ terrified, Spongebob and Patrick run away. Tom then chases them while madly screaming 'CHOCOLATE!!!' ]

Con-artist: It looks to me that you boys have a lot of bags there. You two ladykillers are too smart to be without one of my patented candy-bar-bag-carrying bags.

Patrick: We'll take twenty!

Old Lady: They're selling chocolate!

Old Lady's Mother: What?!

Old Lady: Chocolate! THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATE!

Old Lady's Mother: Oh, chocolate! I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate. I ALWAYS HATED IT!

Tom: CHOOOOOOOOCOLAAAAAAATE!

[SpongeBob and Patrick are on the ground, begging Tom not to hurt them]

Tom: [laughing like a maniac] FINALLY! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CATCH YOU BOYS ALL DAY! NOW THAT I HAVE YOU RIGHT WHERE I WANT YOU-- [calms down instantly] I want to buy all your chocolate! [holds up a mountain of cash]

[Chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's pants, followed by a Hershey kiss, then he and SpongeBob melt like chocolate]

SpongeBob: Thank you for your patronage.

SpongeBob: Remember, Patrick, focus. [walks up to house and knocks on door, the tenant answers] Hello, sir. Would you like to buy some chocolate?

[Patrick's eyes zoom in and out of his head towards the customer]

Patrick: Focusing, focusing...

Customer: Why is chubby here staring at me? [backs up into his house] Back up, Jack! [slams door on Patrick's eyes]

Patrick: [with eyes caught in door inside house] Nice place you got here!

SpongeBob: I can't understand it, Patrick. We haven't sold a single chocolate bar.

Patrick: I can't understand anything. [munches on a chocolate bar]

SpongeBob: [referring to Barnicle Chips] They are most certainly NOT delicious!

Patrick: Not the way I use 'em!

SpongeBob: Let's face it, Patrick. We're failures.

Patrick: I can live with that.

SpongeBob: Let's change our names to "Why" and "Bother."

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V [3.12b]

Barnacle Boy: You've lost, Mermaid Man, and the Superhero/Supervillain Rulebook says you have to give in to my demands!

Mermaid Man: Okay. What do you want?

Man-Ray: World domination! Tell him we want world domination!

Dirty Bubble: Oh, and make him eat dirt, hmm hmm! [Man-Ray looks at him questioningly] In addition to the domination thing...

Barnacle Boy: Number one, I want to be treated like a superhero, not a sidekick. Number two, I want to be called Barnacle Man. And number three...

Man-Ray: Come on, domination...

Barnacle Boy: I want an adult-size Krabby Patty.

Dirty Bubble: Did you hear him say anything about eating dirt?

Mermaid Man: Who wants to save the world?

SpongeBob: I do!

Sandy: I do.

Patrick: I do.

Squidward: I don't.

Mr. Krabs: Oh yes you do. No world means no money. Now go save the world, or you're fired!

Mermaid Man: A double scoop of prune with bran sprinkles. Hmmm! [KA-BRAN!] Goes right through me every time.

[Mermaid Man is introducing SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and Squidward to the original costumes of the International Justice League of Super Acquaintances]

Mermaid Man: Once you put on these costume, their fantastic powers will become yours.

Sandy: Wow, I didn't think superpowers worked that way.

Mermaid Man: Sure! Power's all in the costume! Why else would we run around in colored undies?

Squidward: I can think of three good reasons.

Barnacle Boy: I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra!

The Chief: It seems we have some information on the werabouts of Evil.

Patrick: The whosa'bouts of what?

Barnacle Boy: I say if you're not going to give me the respect I want as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is...evil.

SpongeBob: Evil??

Mr. Krabs, Squidward, Patrick, & Sandy: Evil?? (Mr. Krabs slaps MM)

Mermaidman: EVIL!!!

Barnacle Boy: I'm crossing over to the dark side! (points to dark side of Krusty Krab)

Mr. Krabs: Why should I waste money lighting the whole store?

New Student Starfish [14.a]

[SpongeBob and Patrick start punching. The class cheers, and then stops. SpongeBob and Patrick are fighting, but not touching each other]

Fish: This is embarassing. [crowd disperses]

Mrs. Puff: [picks up SpongeBob and Patrick by their heads] What's going on here?

Patrick: SpongeBob and I were fighting.

Mrs. Puff: [gasps] Fighting? Spongebob Squarepants, I can't believe I'm saying this but, you and your friend are sentenced...to detention!

SpongeBob: Detention?!

Mrs. Puff: May Neptune have mercy on your souls! [zooms out, to reveal that Mrs. Puff was shining a flashlight at her face, she turns the flashlight off]

SpongeBob: I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A STUPID STAR!

Patrick: I'M SORRY I GOT YOU IN TROUBLE AND GOT YOU MOVED TO THE BACK OF THE CLASS AND GOT YOUR GOOD NOODLE STAR REMOVED AND SHOT THE SPITBALLS--

SpongeBob: I'M SORRY YOUR APOLOGY IS SO LONG!

Patrick: ME TOO! LET'S SAVE ROGER!

Mrs Puff: Come on now, tell the class your name. Don’t be nervous. (Patrick gets nervous) We just want to know your name. (Patrick gets more nervous)

Patrick: 24!

Patrick: Psst, Spongebob. (grunts as he throws a piece of waded up paper at Spongebob) Psst, Spongebob! (throws a book at Spongebob) Spongebob? (spits a bunch of spitballs on Spongebob's face) Spongebob? Psst, over here. I'm trying to tell you something. Something important.

Spongebob: What?

Patrick: Hi.

Clams [3.13b]

SpongeBob: Poor Mr. Krabs, gone forever out of our lives... [crying] Why couldn't it have been me?!

Squidward: [crying] Yes, why couldn't it have been you?!

SpongeBob: Why did he have to go like this, why?!

Squidward: Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot?!

Squidward: Have you noticed that Mr. Krabs has gone COMPLETELY INSANE?! Just look at him!

[Mr. Krabs is shown crying upon a grave that says "R.I.P. Me Millionth Dollar"]

The Great Snail Race [3.15a]

Patrick: [to his pet rock at the race track] Don't worry Rocky. Take your time.

Announcer: And what a beautiful day for this sport of kings of which I am a huge fan... Seriously, I'm just a fan. I was on my way to my seat, the door was open--

Perch Perkins: Hey, what are you doing?! [the fan runs out, Perch chuckles] Sorry about that, folks.

SpongeBob: Patrick, your snail is a rock.

Patrick: Yeah, I know. Thanks. He's got nerves of steel.

Squidward: Talk to me.

Mailman: Package, sir.

Squidward: [looks at the package] Oh boy, it's finally here. Thank you.

Mailman: No, thank you Mr. uh... "Tennisballs."

Squidward: That's "Tentacles"! [slams door]

SpongeBob: Squidward's last name is "Tentacles"?

Patrick: Poor guy...

SpongeBob: Well I guess I can't enter Gary in that (the Bikini Bottom Snail Race)? Sunday's laundry day.

Squidward: No, you can't enter Gary because he's a mutt.

[Gary is seen in the appearance of a hillbilly]

SpongeBob: Yeah, you got that right. Gary's no-- Hey! What makes you think Gary can't compete?

Squidward: Papers. [holds up his snail's certificate]

Patrick: [reads the certificate] Hmm... "Property of Squidward...Tentpoles."

Squidward: THAT'S TENNISBALLS! I mean TENTACLES!

SpongeBob: [in a personal trainer uniform] Looks like we're going to start our training now, ladies. [laughs] I call you a lady to humiliate and demean you. It's a motivational tool we coaches use.

[Cut to Sandy walking down a road. She suddenly halts and looks confused]

Sandy: Hmm, I don't know why, but I think I'll kick SpongeBob's butt tomorrow.

SpongeBob: Oh Gary, I'm sorry! Why didn't you tell me I was pushing you too hard?

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: You did? Oh Gary, why didn't you tell me I wasn't listening?

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: You did?

Patrick: Don't worry, Squidward. I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.

Squidward: Gosh Patrick, thanks. [reads the inscription] "The First Place Snail Racing Cup Presented To Squidward...TORTELLINI?" Will I ever win?

[They all laugh; then Sandy appears and kicks SpongeBob's backside, sending him flying out of the stadium in doing so]

Sandy: THAT'S FOR YESTERDAY, SQUAREPANTS!

Born Again Krabs [3.16a]

Mr. Krabs: Look Squidward! Money!

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for 62 cents?!

Mr. Krabs: You think I could've gotten more?

SpongeBob: Wait just a burger-flipping second. (Flying Dutchman turns around)

Flying Dutchman: Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman?

SpongeBob: That would be me: SpongeBob BacksassPants.

I Had an Accident [3.16b]

SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy, watch me do the Grouchy Squidward.

Squidward: Stop naming moves after me.

SpongeBob: [imitating Squidward] Everyone's an idiot except for me!

Squidward: Well it's true.

Sandy: Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?

Patrick: Not 'til four.

[SpongeBob lands hard on the ground and breaks his butt into a thousand pieces]

Sandy: Ohhh...that's gotta hurt!

Patrick: Do it again, I wasn't looking!

Patrick: [after SpongeBob refuses to leave his house] Looks like I'll have to find a new best friend. Hey Squidward--

Squidward: NO! [slams window shut]

SpongeBob: I don't need to wish Penny. Everything I could want is right here. In fact, let's sing a song about staying indoors;

SpongeBob: [singing] I know of a place...where you never get harmed...a magical place...with magical charms...Indoors! Indoors! [sustained] Indoooors~!

SpongeBob: Take it away, Penny!

[A brief pause, showing his personified Penny clearly not doing anything.]

Patrick: [crying] That Penny has the most beautiful voice.

Krabby Land [3.17a]

Mr. Krabs: Krabby Land: Where a kid can have fun...for the right price!

SpongeBob: You said you would bring Krabby the Clown. But all I saw out there was...Cheapy the Cheapskate!

Mr. Krabs: Hey, I ain't cheap! [rubs the clown nose on his shirt, which turns out red] Now, put this tomato in the oven before it spoils.

The Camping Episode [3.17b]

Squidward: Ah, Squidward, you've waited a long time for this. A soft bed, warm tea, a good book, and two whole days with no [imitates SpongeBob's laugh].

[Squidward starts playing sour notes on his clarinet]

SpongeBob: Oh, no! [takes a marshmallow and a slingshot and takes aim] I'll save you, Squidward!

[SpongeBob fires the marshmallow into Squidward's clarinet. It goes all the way into the back of Squidward's throat. At once the music stops and Squidward falls over backward. SpongeBob rushes over and kneels at Squidward's side]

SpongeBob: [frantically] Squidward, are you all right? [guides Squidward's jaw up and down] That's it, chew, chew! Now swallow. [Squidward swallows, and gasps loudly for air] There, better?

Squidward: [angrily] Better?! I was just fine until you launched that ballistic junk food into my windpipe!

SpongeBob: Patrick's right, Squidward. Sea bears are no laughing matter. Like, once, I met this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy's cousin--

Squidward: You're right! I should be more careful.

SpongeBob: I call this one "The Campfire Song" song.

Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song

Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song

And if you don't think that we can sing it faster than you're wrong

But it'll help if you sing along

Patrick: BUM BUM BUM...

SpongeBob: C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song [Patrick not keeping up]

And if you don't think that we can sing it faster than you're wrong

But it'll help if you just sing along

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song, PATRICK!

Patrick: Song! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E!

SpongeBob: Squidward!

[Squidward says nothing]

SpongeBob: Good!

It'll help...

If you just sing along! [SpongeBob screams and breaks his guitar; Patrick slams a drum over his head]

SpongeBob: OH, YEAH!! Now, wasn't that relaxing?

Squidward: Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are going to stew up some twigs and rocks.

SpongeBob: Nope, we've got something even better! Marshmallows! [holds up a bag of marshmallows, takes one and eats it] Mmmm-mmmm! Just like the astronauts eat!

SpongeBob: [as an astronaut] SpongeBob to Patrick, help yourself!

Patrick: Yummy! [takes a marshmallow and crams it into his mouth] Patrick to SpongeBob, the deliciousness has landed!

Squidward: Well, you two astronauts can eat marshmallows. I'm going to have a can of Swedish Barnacle Balls, just as soon as I can get my can opener.

SpongeBob: But Squidward, didn't you take a can opener with you when you hiked out here?

Squidward: Why would I bother? We're ten feet from my house.

Squidward: Why don't you tell me all the things I shouldn't do, if I want to keep the sea bears away?

SpongeBob: Okay, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.

Squidward: Okay. And?

SpongeBob: Never wave a flashlight back and forth really fast.

Patrick: Flashlights are their natural prey.

Squidward: You're kidding.

SpongeBob: Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.

Squidward: [jotting down notes onto a pad of paper] Go on!

SpongeBob: Never eat cheese.

Squidward: Sliced, or cubed?

[Patrick and SpongeBob have a quick discussion]

SpongeBob: Cubed. Sliced is fine.

Squidward: Yeah? Yeah?

SpongeBob: Never wear a sombrero--

Patrick: --in a goofy fashion.

SpongeBob: Or clown shoes.

Patrick: Or a hoop skirt.

SpongeBob: And never--

Patrick: --ever--

SpongeBob: --EVER--

Patrick: GUH!

SpongeBob & Patrick: --screech like a chimpanzee!

Squidward: Wow! It's amazing how so many things can set a sea bear off.

SpongeBob & Patrick: [hugging each other] They're horrible!

Squidward: And, all of a sudden, I have the sense we're all in danger.

SpongeBob & Patrick: Why?

Squidward: I don't know. [disappears and returns two seconds later wearing a sombrero, a hoop skirt, clown shoes, and holding a flashlight in one hand and a platter of cubed cheese in the other] Just a feeling!

SpongeBob: No.

Squidward: Yes.

SpongeBob: No!

[Squidward starts screeching like a chimpanzee]

SpongeBob & Patrick: SQUIDWARD, PLEASE DON'T!

[Squidward screeches like a chimpanzee louder, leaning left and right]

[Squidward has just been pummeled by a vicious sea bear]

SpongeBob: Quick, jump inside our anti-sea-bear circle before he comes back!

Patrick: Yeah, sea bears often attack more than once!

Squidward: Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life!

SpongeBob & Patrick: No!

[The sea bear comes back and starts mauling Squidward again]

SpongeBob: Don't run! Sea bears hate that!

Squidward: Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.

SpongeBob & Patrick: No!

[The sea bear comes back and beats Squidward up even more]

SpongeBob: They hate limping more than running!

Squidward: Well, maybe I'll just...

[The sea bear comes back and beats Squidward up again]

SpongeBob: I should have warned you about crawling.

[The sea bear attacks Squidward yet again]

Squidward: What'd I do that time?

SpongeBob: I don't know. I guess he just doesn't like you!

Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else!

[SpongeBob throws Squidward a stick]

SpongeBob: Here, draw a circle!

Squidward: Okay.

[The sea bear comes back and attacks once more]

SpongeBob: That was an oval. It has to be a circle!

Squidward: Move over!

[Squidward, bruised and bandaged, joins SpongeBob and Patrick inside their anti-sea-bear circle. The sea bear comes back, but then notices the circle, so he cannot attack. Instead, he merely growls angrily at Squidward, and leaves]

SpongeBob: Oh no, Squidward, sea bears are all too real! It says so in the Bikini Bottom Inquirer! (holds up the magazine)

Squidward: (reads cover) "I Married a Sea Bear?

Patrick: Yeah, and Fake Science Monthly! (holds up the magazine)

Squidward: (reads cover) "Sea Bears and Fairy Tales Are Real?" That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Patrick: Well, maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!

Plankton's Army [3.18a]

Squidward: Let me guess. It's at home. Under your mattress.

[Mr. Krabs gasps, then runs home at top speed]

Mr. Krabs: Curse you, Squidward!

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, why don't you hose out the men's room?

SpongeBob: With pleasure, sir!

Mr. Krabs: Plankton! You knew I would never distrust a dollar!

Plankton: That's right, Krabs. Now hand over the secret krabby patty formula!

Mr. Krabs: Or what?

Plankton: I don't know. I'd never thought I'd get this far.

Mr. Krabs: Well, then, allow me to suggest your next move.

Plankton: [while being flushed down a toilet] YEEEEOOOOOOWWWW! Curse you, Krabs!

Karen: It's not that big a deal. You just require a little help. Maybe some henchmen?

Plankton: Henchmen?

Karen: Yes. All you need to do is surround yourself with muscular tough guys that will do whatever you say.

Plankton: I like the sound of that. I'll canvass all the seediest lowbrow dives in town to find my minions. And I know just how to speak their language. [to some big guys playing pool] Felicitations, malefactors! I am endeavoring to misappropiate the formulary for the preparation of affordable comestibles! WHO WILL JOIN ME?!

Mr Krabs: Curse you, Plankton, and your ability to join together to form a working human ear!

Plankton: Victory, thy name is Plankton! [turns around, revealing a paper taped to his back which says "SHELDON"]

Mr. Krabs: Wait! You can't look at the formula!

Plankton: Begging won't help.

Mr. Krabs: I'm telling you! You won't be able to handle the truth! There are some things in this world that weren't meant for mortal eyes!

Plankton: Eye.

Mr. Krabs: Eye.

Plankton: I don't care! Drumroll, please! [taps a snare drum] Finally, after all these years, I'm about to find out what makes a krabby patty taste so good! The secret recipe for one krabby patty is a pinch of salt...

Mr. Krabs: No, Plankton!

Plankton: ...three teaspoons of chopped onions...

Mr. Krabs: I'm warning you!

Plankton: ...a cup of love...

Mr. Krabs: Don't do it!

Plankton: ...mixed together with the most important ingredient of all...four heaping pounds of freshly ground...plankton? [looks at Mr. Krabs in shock]

Mr. Krabs: I warned ya.

Plankton: Can I have the secret formula?

Mr. Krabs: No.

Plankton: Okay. (walks away)

Mr. Krabs: (voiceover) But he was persistent!

Plankton: (comes back) Pretty please?

Mr. Krabs: Uh-uh.

Missing Identity [3.18a]

SpongeBob: The most important meal of the day; serving it up Gary's way! Ba! Enjoy buddy. Hmm, you know, I've been feeding this to Gary for years and I don't even know what it tastes like. [tastes the snail food; his face turns green] BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!

[In snail food headquarters]

Woman: What is it, Peterson?

Peterson: I don't know, I feel...a disturbance.

The Sponge Who Could Fly [2.19]

Old Man Jenkins: I knew no good would come from city folk and their flying machines!

SpongeBob: Well, it was fun while it lasted.

SpongeBob Meets the Strangler [3.20a]

Squidward: Another day, another migraine. [laughs] Mi--

Computer Voice: On Time Percentage: 12%

Squidward: --graine.

Tattletale Strangler: For all we know, he could be the Strangler.

Patrick: I'm the Strangler? I should've known! I gotta turn myself in! Aaah! [runs out to the police station, smashing though SpongeBob's house's wall on the way]

SpongeBob: Hmm, let's see, paper towels. [takes a roll off the shelf] This one says "best paper towel around." [takes another roll off the shelf] This one says "best paper towel in town." Hmm. [comparing the two] In town, around, in town, around. [turns to the Tattletale Strangler] What do you think bodyguard?

Tattletale Strangler: [irritated] Whichever gets us to your house quicker!

SpongeBob: I'll take both!

Clerk: [gives Spongebob his dry cleaning] Here you go Mr. Squarepants.

SpongeBob: Hmm...

Clerk: Is there something wrong?

SpongeBob: I'm not sure these are my pants.

Officer Nancy: Good work, SpongeBob. You put the Strangler behind bars.

Strangler: At least I'm safe from that yellow idiot. (Patrick is in the same cell as the Strangler)

Patrick: Hey, Mac, what're you in for?

Spongebob: Oh bodyguard, my body is in your guarding hands

Pranks a Lot [3.20b]

[SpongeBob and Patrick are fighting over the invisible paint, they accidentally make their clothes disappear]

Patrick: Hey, the invisible spray works!

Tom: [drives the tour bus up right next to them] And on your right if you look, you'll see two naked guys fighting over a can of paint! [the passengers laugh as the bus drives away]

SpongeBob: AAH! Oh my gosh, Patrick, help me find our clothes! [starts to search through the dirt]

Patrick: [sprays Spongebob's hand and laughs] I gotta hand it to you, SpongeBob, you look kind of funny!

SpongeBob: [screams] Righty, where are you!? [Patrick laughs off-screen] No one messes with Righty! [takes the spraypaint from Patrick with his invisible hand] We'll see how you like it! [sprays a big hole in his stomach] Kinda gives you an empty feeling, doesn't it?

Patrick: [takes back the paint] Yeah. [erases the top right hand corner of SpongeBob's head, along with his eye] I see what you mean!

SpongeBob: [erases Patrick's crotch] No guts, no glory! [laughs]

Narrator: Several bad puns later...

Random Bikini Bottomite: Ghosts!

Fred: Ghosts!

Random Bikini Bottomite: Ghosts!

Random Bikini Bottomite: (with a piece of toast) Toast!

Harold: (in his toilet) Ghosts!

Patrick: We're not ghosts! The nerve of that guy and his driving eyeballs!

Spongebob: Patrick!

Patrick: Yeah?

Spongebob: We should have bought the whoopie cushion!

Fear of a Krabby Patty [4.1a]

[After so many days running 24 hours]

Mr. Krabs: Day...uh, anyone know how many days it's been? I lost track.

Squidward: [wheezes] 43.

Plankton: Okay, I say a word, and you say the first word that pops in your head.

SpongeBob: Okay!

Plankton: Work.

SpongeBob: Work.

Plankton: Spatula.

SpongeBob: Spatula.

Plankton: [annoyed] Bun.

SpongeBob: Bun.

Plankton: See, the key is to say something different than what I say.

SpongeBob: Ooh, I get it.

Plankton: Tomato.

SpongeBob: Tamotto.

Plankton: Potato.

SpongeBob: Patotto.

Plankton: Grr...I give up.

[In SpongeBob's dream]

Krabby Patty: [points at SpongeBob's chest] I'll always be with you right here.

SpongeBob: In my heart?

Krabby Patty: Actually, in your arteries.

[When SpongeBob is cured]

Plankton: What about the formula???

SpongeBob: You're right, I gotta go back to work.

Plankton: Wait! Come back! Therapy doesn't work. You're still sick! Very very sick!

Mr. Krabs: No more 24 hour shifts, 'cause 23 hours will be plenty!

Have You Seen this Snail? [4.3]

SpongeBob: Dirty Bubble, say your prayers!

[SpongeBob fills up Gary's food bowl, then realizes Gary is nowhere in the house]

SpongeBob: Gary? Hey, Pat?

Patrick: Yeah, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: How long was I playing the Dirty Bubble Challenge?

Patrick: About a week.

SpongeBob: A week?! Are you sure?

Patrick: [studying his glass of seahorse milk] Hmmmm...well... [shakes his glass; his milk comes sliding out in one solidified white blob. Patrick sniffs at the blob, then eats it. He pulls a hideous face, then quickly reverts to his usual impassive self] Yeah, I'd say about a week, maybe ten days.

[SpongeBob reads the goodbye note that Gary has left him]

SpongeBob: "Dear SpongeBob: These last few years have been some of the best of my life, but I must move on. Don't come looking for me. I know I'll probably have found a new owner who actually remembers to fill up my food bowl every now and again. Sincerely, Gary--or, at least until my new owner renames me." Dear Neptune, what have I done?

Patrick: Whaddya mean? You drove him away! It's right there in black and white! [points to various sections of Gary's letter] See, right there. And there.

Snails in Painting: RUN!!

[Gary sees the fliers SpongeBob and Patrick have been posting all over town, and realizes that SpongeBob wants him back]

SpongeBob: [in Gary's mind] Gary, please come back to me!

[Gary starts crawling towards his old home]

SpongeBob: [continued] Go, boy! Go!

[Gary is about to feast on a discarded box of nachos, when he suddenly finds himself surrounded by a menacing-looking gang of stray snails]

Gang Leader: Look who came to dinner!

[Gary panicks and flees at once]

Random Snail: Guess he doesn't like nachos.

Granny: Oh, there you are, Ms. Tuffsy!

Other Snail: Who?

Patrick: AAAAAAHHHHHH! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE! OFFICE PRODUCTS FALLING FROM THE SKY!!

Random Snail: Hey you're that guy who doesn't like nachos.

Patrick: SpongeBob! I just remembered! Back at the craft store, I saw...!! These huge chunks of balsa wood! They were AWESOME!

SpongeBob: [sobbing] GARY LOVED BALLS O' WOOD!

Selling Out [4.5a]

Carl: Hey fellas! What's going on over here?

Squidward: Oh, hey Carl! I was just reminding Eugene about article 24, section 3 of the Employee Handbook!

Carl: Cut the chatter, and pick up a platter. Good job, Squidward!

Mr. Krabs: What've you done with the real Squidward?!

Carl: The less you know Eugene, the better!

Carl: Now, you wouldn't want to talk to human resources, [a big hitman appears in the doorway] would ya? What's our motto again?

Squidward: [frightened] Uh-uh... Sincere Service... [slaps himself and dons a large smile] WITH A SMILE!

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what happened to the krabby patties?

SpongeBob: I tried to tell them, BUT THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME!!

Mr. Krabs: [seeing Krabby Patties being processed on a conveyor belt] This is obscene!

Mr. Blandy: Mr. Krabs, is there a problem?

Mr. Krabs: You better believe there's a problem! I used to kiss the ground you walked on, Blandy, but after seeing this, I wouldn't even spit in your direction! Krabby Patties are supposed to be made by hand, one at a time! Not on a conveyor belt!

[An alarm sounds just then. Gray matter oozes out from beneath the closed kitchen door]

Carl: Oh my.

[While golfing during his retirement]

Mr. Krabs: Wait a minute. I hate golf!

Carl: Mr. Blandy?! Code Red! FREE THINKER!

Mr. Krabs: [walks over to woman eating synthesized Krabby Patty while holding the gray ooze behind his back] Excuse me, ma'am. Do you know what you're eating?

Woman: No.

Mr. Krabs: THIS!! [shows synthesized ooze]

Woman: [looks down into half eaten Krabby Patty] OH!!

Dunces and Dragons [4.6]

Guard: Right this way.

SpongeBob: Excuse me, but I believeth you meanteth to say, "Righteth this way-eth!"

Guard: [holds his spear up to his throat, gulps, then puts it down] Some day, but not today.

Squidly: Everyone be-eth a critic.

Patrick: Methinks it's mutton-tastic!

Patrick: [stomach growls] What does a guy have to do to get some mutton around here? I'm starving!

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy VI: The Motion Picture [4.7a]

Sandy: Did somebody say "boom"?! [blows up movie set with dynamite]

Enemy-in-Law [4.7b]

Mr. Krabs: PLANKTON!

Plankton: KRABS!

Mrs. Krabs: EUGENE!

Mr. Krabs: Mommy?

Plankton: Mommy?!

SpongeBob: SpongeBob!

Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB!

Plankton: This delectable creature is your mother?

Mr. Krabs: This no-good, conniving chizzler is your date?!

SpongeBob: And this devilishly handsome sponge is your waiter!

Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB!!!

Plankton: Excuse me! I can't reach my silverware!

SpongeBob: Terribly sorry, sir. [pulls out a smaller chair and table, places it on the big table, and puts Plankton into it] Will there be anything else?

Plankton: Is my tie on straight?

SpongeBob: You...look....FABULOUS!!!

Mrs. Krabs: Oh, Sheldon.

Plankton: Oh, Mrs. Krabs. [snaps fingers]

Mr. Krabs: Oh, brother.

[Mr. Krabs is taking Plankton out of the restaurant]

Mrs. Krabs: Eugene! Put my boyfriend down this instant!

[Mr. Krabs looks shocked]

Plankton: Boyfriend?

Mr. Krabs: But, Mommy.

Plankton: You heard the woman, Krabs. Put me down!

[Mr. Krabs drops Plankton into Mrs. Krabs' hand]

Plankton: That's more like it.

Plankton: Well, I'm in the food service, I'm a bit of a restauranteur. I'm the owner of the Chum Bucket.

Mrs. Krabs: Never heard of it.

Plankton: [looks shocked] It's across the street.

Mrs. Krabs: Doesn't ring a bell.

Plankton: [holds up a telephone directory] It's on the back of the phone book. Come on, I paid a lot of money for that ad! Never mind, never mind. So, tell me about you.

Patrick Smartpants [4.8a]

Patrick: [to Squidward] May I suggest that on the seventh bar of the 'Adagio Andante' that you add a little fortissimo on the arpeggiated B flat scale.

Squidward: Wow, I never thought of doing it like that.

Patrick: That is because you rarely think at all.

Patrick: Knowledge can never replace friendship! I PREFER TO BE AN IDIOT!

SpongeBob: You're not just an idiot Patrick, you're also my pal!

SpongeBob: Patrick! You're back!

Patrick: Patrick, you're back.

[They hug each other]

Krusty Towers [4.9a]

Patrick: I'd like a Krabby Patty.

Squidward: This is a hotel now. If you want a Krabby Patty, you'll have to rent a room and order room service!

Patrick: OK! One Krabby Patty and one room. With cheese. Oh, and can I get cheese on the Krabby Patty too?

Squidward: Patrick! You live 200 yards away, why would you want to rent a room?

Patrick: Sometimes I need to get away from it all.

Patrick: First, you need to take my bags.

Squidward: How could you have bags? You just found out this was a hotel!

Patrick: This is a hotel?

Mr. Krabs: This elevator is for guests only. Take the employee elevator!

[Sqidward enters the employee elevator and discovers it's a large flight of steps]

Squidward: [while carrying Patrick's suitcases] What's in these things? Rocks?

[Squidward drops the suitcases, which spring open. Several rocks fall out]

Squidward: Hey, these are rocks! Why is your suitcase full of rocks?

Patrick: I don't tell you how to live your life!

Patrick: Squidward, wait! I don't like crusts on my sandwich.

Squidward: That's a bun, it's all crust! How am I supposed to cut the crust of a bun?

Patrick: Peel it.

[Squidward peels the crust off of the Krabby Patty buns]

Squidward: Happy?

[Patrick gleefully enjoys his Krabby Patty]

Squidward: I'd like a Krabby Patty with cheese, toenail clippings, and nose hairs.

SpongeBob: Yes, sir!

Squidward: And I'd like it here in five seconds.

[SpongeBob leaves and returns with a Krabby Patty]

SpongeBob: Here you are, sir!

Mr. Krabs: Well, you've got your stinky sandwich. Now eat it!

Squidward: Oh, I'm not going eat it! You are. [hands it to Mr. Krabs]

Mr. Krabs: Wha-? You're out of your mind if you think I'm gonna eat that!

SpongeBob: [whispers to Mr. Krabs] That's not really a Krabby Patty with cheese, toenail clippings, and nose hairs.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, I get you boy. [winks] All right, Squidward.

[Mr. Krabs bites into the patty, but sticks his tongue out in disgust. On it, there are toenail clippings and nose hairs]

SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs. We were all out of cheese.

[Scene cuts to Patrick's room which is coated with cheese]

Patrick: Hooray!

Squidward: This room is hideous. Redesign it! Neptune XIV would be nice.

[Many designs later]

Squidward: Perfect!

Mr. Krabs: This room is exactly the same as when we started!

Squidward: Nothing like getting back to the basics.

[Towards the end of the episode, Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward wind up in the hospital. Mr. Krabs is alarmed to see at how high their medical bill is]

Mr. Krabs: FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS?!!!

Squidward: You're not going to have a heart attack, are you?

Mr. Krabs: Not at these prices! Forget hotels, this hospital wreck's where the money is!

Patrick: This is a hospital?

Mr. Krabs: Pack your bags, boys! You're going to medical school!

Patrick & SpongeBob: Hooray!

Squidward: Oh, boy...

Mrs. Puff, You're Fired [4.10b]

Sergeant Roderick: [smashes through the door] Hello, worthless students! [SpongeBob shivers in fear] I'm your new instructor. [smashes Mrs. Puff's nametag] No one's ever failed my class, that's lived through it. I can assure you these next four weeks will be the worst years of your miserable lives. Your spines will break, your teeth will ache, your eyes will be bloodshot! [students groan in discomfort] You will drive out of this school in style, or you will be carted out in your granny's handbasket. Everyone will follow the rules of the class. First rule: No talking!

Student #1: [raises hand] Does that mean-

[Sergeant Roderick grabs student by the head and tosses him through a wooden door]

Sergeant Roderick: Second rule: No eating in my class. [takes out a box of chocolates] Would anyone care for a bon-bon?

Student #2: Uh, I'll eat one... [raises hand, all other students gasp]

Sergeant Roderick: Pick your favorite. [The student picks up a bon-bon, slurps it up with his tongue and chews] How's it taste...?

Student #2: It's a delightful taste sensation-

Sergeant Roderick: [grabs the student by the head and runs forward] NO EATING IN MY CLASSROOM! [throws the student through yet another wooden door] Now, if anyone else is man enough to stay in this class... [all the students flee, laving SpongeBob alone] Looks like you're the man... Sponge!

SpongeBob: I-I am?

SpongeBob: [crawling on his hands and feet on a driving course then notices a pebble] PEEEBBLLLE!! [the pebble gets stuck in SpongeBob's hand] YYYEEOOOOW! OOOOOW! [falls onto his butt but keeps accelerating forward, leaving a trail of fire behind him. He flies up a vertical section of road and into the air, continuing to scream out, "YEEOOW! OOOOW!", grasping onto the wrist of the hand with the pebble stuck in it. He falls back down and is caught by his driving instructor. His arm then snaps off, and his body drops the ground]

Sergeant Roderick: I'm ashamed of you, cadet. Tripped up by a wee pebble. [crushes the pebble between thumb and forefinger] What are you supposed to be learning in my class?

SpongeBob: Uh, how to drive, sir?

Sergeant Roderick: Yes, but first, you learn to crawl, then you learn to walk, then you learn to run! But before you learn to walk, you must learn to CRAWL! I WANT YOU TO CRAAAWL!!

SpongeBob: SIR, YES, SIR!!

SpongeBob: [after he destroys every obstacle in the driving course] So, heh... how'd I do?

Sergeant Roderick: How'd you do...? [lifts up a broken fragment of a civilian obstacle SpongeBob destroyed] Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this pedestrian HOW YOU DID?!

Mrs. Puff: I feel so serene now that I'm finally away from that homicidal maniac, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Step three...engage blindfold!

Sergeant Roderick: What?! You can't drive a boat with a blindfold! That's illegal!

SpongeBob: But...I can't do it without a blindfold--

Sergeant Roderick: DRIVE, BOY! DRIIIVE!

SpongeBob: [floors the gas pedal and crashes into a huge canister labeled, "GAS", obliterating the boating school facility in a mushroom-radius explosion. The boat flies into the air and lands on a main road]

Sergeant Roderick: MAYDAY! MAYDAY! YOU'RE OFF COURSE!

Sergeant Roderick: [grabs the shirt collar of Mr. Fitz] If I don't stop this thing, tell my wife I love her! [jumps onto the hood of the car, then into the air. He lands in front of the boat]

Sergeant Roderick: COME GET SOOOME!

[The boat plows into the instructor, knocking him away]

SpongeBob: Did I pass?

Mr. Fitz: Well, if there was a "destroy the city" part of the test, you would have.

SpongeBob: Hey, Mrs. Puff. Sorry I'm "unteachable."

Mrs. Puff: It's okay... Mr. Fitz gave me my teaching certificate back...and your dossier was destroyed in the explosion... [trembling voice] so, it's as if you never failed!

All That Glitters [4.12a]

SpongeBob: [while the real SpongeBob is sobbing on the floor] All that glitters is not gold.

Wishing You Well [4.12b]

Squidward: You're making me claustrophobic.

Patrick: What does claustrophobic mean?

SpongeBob: It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.

Squidward: No it doesn't!

Patrick: HO HO HO!

SpongeBob: Stop it, Patrick! You're scaring him!

Patrick: HO HO HO!

Squidward: It's not working, Patrick.

Patrick: Darn it.

Spongebob: Uh, Squidward, you're stepping on my foot.

Squidward: Oh! Sorry, Spongebob.

Patrick: And you got your elbow in my ribs.

Squidward: [looks down and sees his elbow in a plate of ribs] Ew... Patrick!

Patrick: And stop stepping on my potato salad! [pushes Squidward]

Squidward: Stop pushing me, Patrick! [pushes him back]

Patrick: Oh, you mean like this? [pushes him]

Squidward: No, like this! [pushes him; the camera pans to SpongeBob as fighting sounds are heard]

SpongeBob: We shouldn't fight in here! This is a magical place...

[camera pans to outside the well]

Squidward: Patrick, get off of me!

[camera pans back to the bottom of the well, Patrick is sitting on Squidward]

Squidward: PATRICK! I told you I am claustrophobic!

Patrick: Nice try, Squidward, but there's no Santa Claus here!

Squidward: PATRICK!!

Mr. Krabs: [upon learning about wishing wells] Suckers throw money down a well for fun? That's the greatest scam ever!

Mr. Krabs: You'll never get me to believe in magic, NEVER! Just to prove it to you, I'll demonstrate! [takes out a penny and walks over to the well] I wish I was steamed, and served with a side of melted butter! [laughs as he tosses the penny in]

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, NOOOOOO!

Mr. Krabs: Well, where's your magic now? [disappears; the camera pans to a steamed crab on a plate] Ohhh, where am I? [a side of melted butter is placed next to the steamed crab] What's going on, here? [a man puts on an apron with a picure of a red crab silhouette that reads "THE END"] Uh-oh! [quickly and cautiously] I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! OOOH, NOOOOOO!

Bummer Vacation [4.14a]

Patrick: [puts his finger in his head] Huh, I didn't even know I had an ear.

Patrick: [has just returned to his house after his work shift, only to find that SpongeBob is already under his rock, kneeling in the corner] Huh?

SpongeBob: Who do they think they are? I've given the best years of my life to this place and they think they can just fire me like that? Like TRASH? I don't think so...

Patrick: [concerned] SpongeBob?... Is that you?

SpongeBob: [turns to Patrick with a demented look on his face] I've been waiting for you, Patrick! [Patrick gasps as SpongeBob menacingly advances towards him]

Patrick: SpongeBob, you're scaring me! [screams] [SpongeBob laughs maniacally as he continues towards Patrick]

Driven to Tears [4.17a]

Announcer: Congratulations. You are the one millionth person to pass the test.

Patrick: Does this mean I win a free keychain?

SpongeBob: Now you can put this plate on your boatmobile.

Patrick: Oh, I threw it away. The needle was on E, so I guess that means "End."

Patrick: Learning tastes good!

Patrick: 58 is like, the luckiest number ever!

Mr. Krabs: [after making SpongeBob man the drive-thru] It's for those people on the open road, living their dreams.

SpongeBob: I used to have a dream.

Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually.

[Mr. Krabs scurries away as Patrick pulls up to the drive-thru and beeps his horn loudly]

Patrick: The horn still works!!

Born to be Wild [4.18b]

Squidward: Are you sure you're not just overreacting?

SpongeBob: Squidward, when have I ever been known to overreact?

[Numerous flashbacks]

SpongeBob: Squidward, we're out of napkins! [cries] Out of napkins!

SpongeBob: Squidward, I accidentally removed the do not remove under penalty of law tag on my mattress! Hide me! Hide me!

SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward, I've gone blind! [Squidward turns the lights on] Oh. Thanks Squidward!

[Flashbacks end]

Squidward: SpongeBob, you always overreact to everything! It's one of your many annoying traits.

SpongeBob: Me, annoying? [starts laughing annoyingly]

Best Day Ever

SpongeBob: [singing]

Mr. Sun came up and he smiled at me

He said, it's gonna be a good one just wait and see!

Jumped out of bed and I ran outside

Feeling so extra-ecstatticfied!

It's the best day ever!

Best day ever!

[On the first part, his house is on fire]

Friend or Foe [5.1]

SpongeBob: Why, Mr. Krabs? Why does he hate us so?

Mr. Krabs: Listen up Squidward, 'cause this is where it gets juicy.

SpongeBob: Don't forget your condiments, Plankton!

Kid Plankton: Get outta my FACE!

[He and Kid Krabs growl at each other]

Potty the Parrot: You've got rats in the kitchen!

Sing a Song of Patrick [5.3]

Patrick: I think I wrote a poem once... [flashback to a younger Patrick, whose voice is higher-pitched]

Young Patrick: [reading from a sheet of paper] A Poem, by Patrick Star. Roses are blue, violets are red. I have to go to the bathroom. [eats the paper and burps]

Gym Teacher: How many times I gotta tell ya, this...is...gym class! [blows a whistle, and several dodgeballs are thrown at Patrick]

Squidward: What's that horrible smell?! [sees steam coming out of SpongeBob's window] Is Patrick thinking again?

Patrick: [sticking his head out of the window] I'm making art!

Squidward: Patrick, it smells like something crawled into your brain and died!

Patrick: That's the creative process at work!

A band member: This one's really bad! It made my eyeballs throw up!

Another band member: Oh yeah? [he takes the script and, upon reading it, his eyeballs shrivel up and turn to dust]

Director: I don't care how awful his poem is, he spent his hundred bucks already!

Band leader: C'mon guys, we're gonna do this if it kills us. A-one, and a-two, and a--

[Cuts to a graveyard: the band members apparently died after recording the song]

An eulogizer: [to Patrick] They wanted you to have this. [hands a record to Patrick]

Patrick: My song!

A Flea In Her Dome [5.4]

[SpongeBob and Patrick are crying because they miss Sandy]

SpongeBob: Why did she have to go to the science convention and TAY-HAUS [mispronounciation of "Texas"]?

Patrick: TAY-HAUS!

SpongeBob: She won't be back for one more hour, 26 minutes, and 47 seconds! [they start squirting tears at each other]

Patrick: I miss Sandy so much! Her tentacles, the way she plays clarinet, her massive nose...

SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, that's Squidward. He's not gone; he's right here! [camera pans to Squidward planting a flower in the ground]

Squidward: No I'm not. [walks away]

SpongeBob: I sure do miss that squirrel! Her karate chopping, that 10-gallon glass dome over her dome, and who can forget those buck teeth? After Sandy gets back, we're gonna let her know how much we miss her!

Patrick: Is Sandy the one I call "mom"?

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, that's your mother. But that does give me an idea! We'll throw Sandy the mother of all welcome-home parties! Patrick, to the tree dome!

Patrick: WHOHAIE!

SpongeBob: [singing] Welcome, home Sandy, you know that, we missed ya—

Bus Driver: NO!! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU SING!

Sandy: Sorry, SpongeBob, he's got a fierce no-singing policy!

SpongeBob: That's quite all right, Ms. Cheeks, as long as you don't have a fierce no-partying policy!

Patrick: [the flea bites him and makes marks on his stomach] Ahahahaha! Connect the Dots. [draws lines connecting the bite marks on his stomach] I drawed a horsey! OUCH!! Why does this flea keep biting me?

Sandy: When a flea bites you, it's because he's sucking up your blood for nutrition.

Patrick: I have been bitten by a vampire flea! NO!! I'm gonna turn into a vampire now! It's already happening! [starts going berserk]

Krabs à la Mode [5.5b]

Squidward: I'm going to go recover from hypothermia.

Spongebob: Hippo-whatia? What does that mean?

Mr. Krabs: It means he's a big fat crybaby.

Squidward: It's freezing in here! How cold does Krabs keep this place anyway? [looks at the thermostat which reads 62 degrees, much to his disgust] 62 DEGREES!? [with confidence] I'm gonna set to a toasty 63. [turns the thermostat dial slightly clockwise; an siren goes off and a red light flashes]

Mr. Krabs: [bursts through the door to his office] WHOOOOO TOUCHED ME THERMOSTAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!? [everyone points to Squidward]

Squidward: [to Spongebob] Oh, thanks a lot-- [Mr. Krabs grabs him in the jugular]

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you're always going on about your book club. READ THIS!! [points to a poster above the thermostat that reads "DO NOT TOUCH THERMOSTAT EVER!

Squidward: Do not touch thermostat ever.

Mr. Krabs: IT COSTS MONEY!!

Mr. Krabs: [having a nightmare] Someone... touching... thermostat!

Donut Of Shame [5.9c]

Patrick: Where am I? What happened? Oh yeah, the party. I must have passed out in SpongeBob's kitchen, on the ceiling. See, SpongeBob? I told you we shouldn't stay up past 8:30, things get real crazy after 8:30. [has a flashback of last night's tea party] She really knows how to pound 'em down huh, SpongeBob... SpongeBob? [notices SpongeBob snoring with a donut in his hand] That's a good lookin' donut.

Atlantis Squarepantis

Mr Krabs: Is this some kind of joke!? Where's that gas tank?

[Song starts]

SpongeBob: A song? To sing a song? A song of wanting to move along

To a land where all our dreee--

[Falls to the floor low song stops]

SpongeBob: Sorry.

20,000 Patties Under the Sea [5.16a]

SpongeBob: Bye, Squidward! Bye, Mr. Krabs! [sounding flirtatious] Bye, Squidward.

Patrick: You said "Bye Squidward" twice.

SpongeBob: I like Squidward.

Patrick: I think I fell on a rock! [shows a sharp, jagged rock in the back of his head]

Plankton: Hello, little one! Would you like a Chum Burger?

Little Kid: Uh...does it come in raspberry?

Plankton: Umm...no...

Little Kid: Blueberry...?

Plankton: No.

Little Kid: Uhmmmmmmm...raspberry?

Plankton: Aw, c'mon kid! You already said that! Quit wasting my time!

Little Kid's Mother: Hey, you can't talk to my son that way! Who do you think you are?!

Plankton: I'm Plankton, ya old hag, and your son smells like boogers!

Husband: Hey, don't talk to my wife like that! What do you think this is?!

Plankton: Looks like it's time for you to lose some weight, fatty! That's what it is!

Husband's Grandmother: You can't talk to my grandson like that! Someone ought to put you in a mental institution!

Plankton: Someone should put you in a box floating down the river, grandma!

Husband's Grandmother: You're probably right...

Plankton: You people are crazy! I'm gettin' outta here! [people begin throwing rocks at him] Hey!

The Battle of Bikini Bottom [5.17a]

Patrick: I happen to like my various smells and germs.

Patrick: [after he reveals he doesn't wash his hands, much to the chagrin of Spongebob] You... [writes a "U" on a brick wall with mud] are... [writes an "R"] how do you spell "Notmyfriend"?

Patrick: Taste pit evildoer.

Squidward: [to Mr. Krabs] Did you get any of Patrick's gold?

Mr. Krabs: He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for!

The Splinter [6.1a]

Patrick: [as doctor, inspecting SpongeBob's thumb which has a splinter in it] Well, here's your problem! Don't worry, buddy. I'll take care of it in no time.

SpongeBob: Phew, thanks Patrick, you're a real life saver.

Patrick: [takes out a huge wooden spike and a hammer, placing the spike ontop of the splinter and lines up the hammer, then slams the splinter further into SpongeBob's thumb]

SpongeBob: OWWW! [thumb swells up horrifically and grows ten times in size]

Patrick: Hmmm...there appears to be a little bit of swelling. [picks up a lump of trash] This garbage compress should help that go down. [smothers the swollen thumb with the garbage. The garbage slides off of it and the area where the splinter is inserted fizzes a sickly green ooze and turns SpongeBob's thumb a dark purple] ...That doesn't look good. [pager beeps] But my shift's over. Call me in the morning.

Mr. Krabs: Come on, it's just a little splinter, it can't be that... [SpongeBob reveals his massive, swollen thumb which has a slight area of pale green fizz around the impaled splinter] Gah-gah-ai-ai, rah-AAHH! Dear, merciful Neptune!

[Squidward moans and faints]

Mr. Krabs: Eh, no problem. No problem. [easily picks out the splinter. There is a brief pause and the tip of SpongeBob's thumb pops and shoots out confetti] There, problem solv-- [a mass amount of pale green pus shoots out of SpongeBob's thumb onto Mr. Krabs' face, he makes gurgling sounds but takes out an umbrella as it dies down] There ya go. Hah, for a second there, I thought I'd have to pay for your worker's compensation.

SpongeBob: What's worker's compensation?

Mr. Krabs: You know, it's when you get paid for sitting at home.

Squidward: [eyes shoot open] You get paid for doing nothing?

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, what did ya think compensation stands for?

[Squidward breaks the cash register out of the boat counter and slowly smashes it onto his head two times]

Mr. Krabs: Uhhh... Squidward?

Squidward: [throws the cash register up into the air and gets crushed by it, then squirms] Do I get my compensation, now?

Mr. Krabs: Uh, no. Your shift ended over two minutes ago.

[Squidward groans]

Note: 2 Krabby patties P.S. SpongeBob, you're an idiot ♥ Squidward

SpongeBob: Two Krabby patties. P.S., SpongeBob, you're an idiot. Looove, Squidward! Hah, love you too, Squiddy.

Mr. Krabs: Uhh.. SpongeBob? Have you always had three legs?

SpongeBob: [has a sock and shoe over his splintered thumb to hide it] ...Yes...

Mr. Krabs: [believing tone] Interesting... now, what's this thing about a splinter Squidward's been telling me about?

SpongeBob: Please, don't tell Mr. Krabs!! Ple-he-hease! [sobs]

Squidward: Me? No, no, no, no. No, no. No, no, no, no- no, no- no, no, no, no. No.

SpongeBob: [pauses and wipes forehead] Phew.

Squidward: Well, maybe.

SpongeBob: AAAHHH!! [holds onto beating heart that's emiting from his chest]

SpongeBob: [dinging the serving bell] Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.

Squidward: I HEARD YOU!

Squidward: [smiling with a calm, relaxed voice] What's this? [referring to the spatula taped onto SpongeBob's nose]

SpongeBob: Hehe, what's what?

Squidward: [same tone] This, right here. [flicks the spatula on SpongeBob's nose]

SpongeBob: What's what where?

Squidward: [same tone] What's this, this thing, right over here?

SpongeBob: [giggles] What do you mean?

Squidward: [same tone] This spatula...TIED to your NOOOSE?!

SpongeBob: Oooh, this! [explains quickly] You see, this got stuck up there so I stacked and climbed up and I got it but I fell and I thought I was surely going to die but I didn't and I fell to safety but then I tripped and got this splinter but then it wouldn't let me cook Krabby Patties so I taped this spatula to my nose, doesn't it make sense? Squidward? Were you listening?

Squidward: [sarcastic] Oh, yes, it makes perfect sense.

Sun Bleached [6.4a]

Patrick: [sprays dirt with a water hose then dips SpongeBob who is sun bleached and horribly dry, into a puddle of mud, wipes the mud away from his eyes, puts two slabs of bacon for SpongeBob's buck teeth, then rips out his own armpit hair] AAHHHH!! AAH-AHH-AAAHH!! [instantly turns calm, then places the armpit hair onto SpongeBob's head, then gives SpongeBob a mirror] See?

SpongeBob: [screams, horrified] I...look... [adoring voice] amaaaziiing.

Giant Squidward [6.7a]

Patrick: They're preeeeeeetty! [Squidward shrieks]

Squidward: Patrick!

SpongeBob: And SpongeBob!

Squidward: What are you two doing here?

SpongeBob: Patrick is helping me to do good deeds today. Like trimming your kelp garden! [points to Patrick, who takes a large bite out of the kelp, then burps]

Squidward: [Yells] Stop eating my kelp! [shoves Patrick and SpongeBob]

Patrick: Okay, okay, geez! I try to help a fellow out. I'll just have to eat this ice cream cone instead!

Squidward: Oh! Do you like to eat ice cream, Patrick?

Patrick: Hmmmmmm...yeah.

Squidward: Then have some more! [sprays the ice cream]

Patrick: [falls over when the ice cream gets bigger] Whoa! Oof!

Squidward: Ha, ha, ha! Still want that ice cream?

Patrick: Boy I do! Thanks, Squidward! Want some, SpongeBob? Last one to the cone is a rotten clam!

Squidward: [to SpongeBob and Patrick] HEY! Look at what you did to me! You better fix my nose, or you'll hear from my lawyer!

SpongeBob: Are you sure?

Patrick: Yeah! You'll be ugly again!

SpongeBob: Good deed accomplished! I ask for no reward.

Patrick: You're a saint, SpongeBob! A SAINT!

SpongeBob: I know, and it is a burden I must carry.

Repeated Quotes

SpongeBob: "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!"
Patrick: "Oh, barnacles!"
SpongeBob and Patrick: "Aw, tartar sauce!"
Mr. Krabs: "Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!"
Mermaid Man: "EEEEVILLL!!!"
Patrick: "Aw, fish paste!"
Squidward: "How did I ever get surrounded by such loser neighbors?"
Fred: "My Leg!"

Patrick Star

"Birthday Happy."
"Like my mom always said: 'If you can't think of anything to say something nice about someone, don't blow your nose into your hand.'"
"I got to put on my teeth and brush my pants."

Squidward Tentacles

"I can't stay out here, I got a life."
"That's it. I'm getting off the loony express."
"You know, there's something I've been wanting to say to you from the day we met: Goodbye."
"Why must every eleven minutes of my life be filled with misery?" (An inside joke about the length of many SpongeBob episodes)
"Would you please stop leaving your undergarments on my front lawn?"
Flying Dutchman: "Whosoever disturbs the Flying Dutchman's ship, uninvited or otherwise, will become members of his ghostly crew forever and ever."
Squidward: "Will we be getting business cards?"
SpongeBob: "Squidward! You're just in time to enlist in my army! Join me, and we'll defeat the Pink Menace!"
Patrick: "That's me!"
Squidward: "Thanks but no thanks Major Stupidity. You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me!"

Sandy Cheeks

"There's something rotten in the Alamo."
"I'm gonna be all over you like ugly on an ape!"
"Don't lose your barnacles, boys."
"Something smells like rancid rodeo around here."
"I'm hotter than a hickory smoked sausage!"

Sandy: "Hey SpongeBob! How're y'all doin'?"

SpongeBob: "Not too close, Sandy. I tend to get smelly when I'm pumping iron. Check it out!" [flexes]

Sandy: "Well, you're smelly."

Sandy: "Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? [pulls a boat down underwater by its anchor]

SpongeBob: "You are."

Sandy: "And who put the (Hiyah! Hah! Huah!) 'K' in 'karate'?"

SpongeBob: (body is shaped like a "U") "You did."

Sandy: "And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis?" (SpongeBob's backside reads, "Property of Sandy Cheeks")

SpongeBob: "You do."

Eugene Krabs

"SpongeBob! You're scaring away me money!"
"That's me money walking out the door!"
"Hello... may I take your money?"
"I've never felt such a strange combination of pity and indigestion."
"Squidward, where are you? Shield me with your forehead!"
"Well, little patty. We're two of a kind. We've both lost our luster." [eats patty] "Hmm...so THAT'S what I taste like."
(singing) "Counting me money. Money sweeter than honey. Money money this, money money that. Profit will make me wallet fat!"
"After all, money is the ultimate source of joy!"

Mr. Krabs: "Believe me, boy. I know what its like to lose a friend."

SpongeBob: "Really, Mr. Krabs?"

Mr. Krabs: "I was five years old, me father gave me a dollar. I loved that dollar...loved it like a brother."

SpongeBob: "What happened to the dollar, Mr. Krabs?"

Mr. Krabs: "Then one day, at the beach, (Starts to sob) IT WAS SO HOT...AND I WAS SO THIRSTY, I SPENT IT ON A SODAAA...UHHUHHUHHUH...MY BEST FRIEND!!!"

Squidward: [sighs]

Mr. Krabs: "Breathe on yer own time! I don't pay ya' ta breathe!"

Sheldon J. Plankton

"Now it's time for my well thought-out and college educated plan!"
"A booster seat, hot dog! I mean no!"
"Just look at him. Square... the shape of evil!!"

Mr. Krabs: "What's that smell in the air? ...I smell...PLANKTON!"

Plankton:"Oh yeah? Well I smell...[sniffs his armpit]...phew, he's RIGHT!"

"I WENT TO COLLEGE!!!"

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy

Mermaid Man: [to Barnacle Boy] Get your hands off me, woman!