How I Met Your Mother Quotations

How I Met Your Mother is an American sitcom, airing Mondays at 8:00 pm on CBS. The series is narrated through flashbacks from the future, where an older version of the main character, Ted Mosby, tells his two children the story of how he met their mother with the help of his best friend, Marshall Eriksen, Marshall's wife Lily Aldrin, and their two friends Barney Stinson and Robin Scherbatsky.

Pilot [1.01]

[First scene of the series, in 2030]

Future Ted: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.

Ted's Son: Are we being punished or something?

Future Ted: No.

Ted's Daughter: Dad, is this gonna take a while?

Future Ted: Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life...

[Ted just saw Robin]

Older Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."

Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?

Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'.

Purple Giraffe [1.02]

Ted: [talks about Robin] She wants casual... Okay, I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? 'cause it's a game. I wanted to skip to the end and to the whole happily ever after thing. But you don't get there, unless you play the game.

Marshall: So you gonna ask her out?

Ted: Yes. NO! I can't ask her out because if I ask her out I'm ASKING HER OUT. So how do I ask her out, without asking her out?

Lily: Did you guys get high?

Lily: Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like... my shirt. Kinda dont wanna wear my shirt any more. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.

Marshall: [stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?

Lily: Not even slightly.

[Camera pans to show Ted is in the room]

Ted: Guys...boundaries!

Sweet Taste of Liberty [1.03]

Ted: The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it, that's all this is!

Airport Security Guard: Nobody's that lame.

Ted: Yes, he's that lame. [to Barney] Tell him you're that lame.

Barney: We are international businessmen!

Barney: [at a party] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?

Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.

Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?

Employee: Yeah.

Barney: Have you ever licked it?

Employee: Nope...I have never licked it.

Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - what's the word? LEGENDARY.

Return of the Shirt [1.04]

[Ted walks into McLaren's]

Marshall: Woahh, nice top, bro.

Lily: Yeah, green and brown together at last.

Ted: I know right. This shirt's been sitting in my closet for like six years, and until this morning, I've never liked it. But I woke up, and it's like, my vision has changed.

Barney: Booger.

Ted: Yes, hello Barney.

Robin: Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.

Barney: Not some stupid word. Booger.

Robin: But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.

Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.

Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... the City Hall beat.

Lily: City Hall! Miss Thang!

Robin: So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.

Barney: Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's 100. [motions with finger] Step into my web.

[Ted just told Natalie that he wants to break up with her...again]

Natalie: [after throwing a gob of spaghetti at him] I'm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?

Ted: I, I'm sorry I thought that was the mature thing to do, I...

Natalie: It's my birthday!

Ted: Yes, I know it's just...

Natalie: It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?

Ted: It's no big deal. It's odd, like you lost the lottery-

Natalie: Oh, so dating you's like winning the lottery? [Ted stammers] So what's the problem?

Ted: I can't explain.

Natalie: Try!

Ted: Well, it's just ineffable.

Natalie: Oh, so I'm not 'F-able'?

Ted: No, no, no, ineffable means it can't be explained.

Natalie: So I'm stupid?

Ted: What's going on-

Natalie: What's going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three weeks later, again on my birthday!

Ted: No no, it's not like that...it's just...it's just-

Natalie: WHAT!?

Ted: I'm just like super busy right now.

Future Ted: Remember when Natalie said...

Natalie: [in flashback, at the bar] I got a Krav Maga class in about half an hour.

Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli Army.

[Natalie proceeds to beat up Ted]

Okay Awesome [1.05]

Barney: Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.

Ted: What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?

Barney: That was my cousin Leslie!

Ted: What!? [begins to laugh]

Barney: No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like 'remember that time when you were grinding with'-No. And do you know why; because italics, [Barney holds his hand up and then slants them to an angle] this night did not happen.

Lily: Hey.

Robin: Hey.

Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.

Robin: Actually I can't even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking I'm Julia Roberts. I'm no VIP, I'm not even an IP; I'm just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.

Lily: You know something, I'd take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.

Slutty Pumpkin [1.06]

Lily: Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.

Marshall: What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.

Lily: [As parrot] Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!

Marshall: Again?

[Marshall follows Lily to the bathroom]

Ted: Where are you going?

Marshall: It's... an elaborate costume.

Robin: How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?

Ted: Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just ... you know, sit and wait.

Matchmaker [1.07]

Lily: Don't Ted-out about it.

Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?

Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"

Ted: All right, I get it!

Robin: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?

Lily: It was a cockamouse!

Robin: What?

Lily: It's some sort of mutant combination of the two. It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...

Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?

Robin: So it was a cocka-potato-mouse?

Marshall: Don't make this sound ridiculous. It's a cockamouse.

The Duel [1.08]

[Flashback]

Marshall: You wanna talk about who gets the apartment after Lily & I get married?

Ted: Y'know who I think we should let deal with this problem?

Marshall: Who?

Ted: Future Ted & Future Marshall.

Marshall: Totally.

[Present Day]

Ted: Dammit, Past Ted!

Lily: On Monday I'm going to have to tell my kindergarten class, who I tell not to run with scissors, how my fiance ran me through with a freakin' broadsword!

Marshall: Technically, it didn't go all the way through.

Lily: I'm sorry, were we having a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?

Belly Full of Turkey [1.09]

Robin: I am Canadian. Remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.

Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.

Robin: You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.

Ted: [pause] Your cops are called 'mounties'.

Ted: Barney.

Barney: Yeah, what's up?

Ted: You have a time sheet? No one else does.

Barney: Yeah, so? [Ted steals paper] Hey! That's my private personal business!

Ted: "Court Mandated Community Service"??

Robin: Oh my god, you're on probation? What did you do?

Barney: That's my private personal business!

[flashback to Barney running away after peeing on a wall.]

Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church!

Ted: You peed on a church?

Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk!

The Pineapple Incident [1.10]

Marshall: You okay?

Ted: Sure. Why?

Marshall: Ah...I don't know. Girl of your dreams...dating a billionaire.

Ted: Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams. We're just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I..I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for a.... [Barney starts snoring]

Barney: Wha...? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? She's short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! She's like half boob. [whispers to Ted] Let's go.

Ted: Yea and say what? What's our big opening line?

Barney: ...it was uh....'Daddy's home'.

Ted: Daddy's home?

Barney: Yeah!

Ted: Okay, you..you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, 'Daddy's home'. Really think about that, Barney.

Barney: Hmm...yea, I think it's pretty solid.

Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Oke...These are the kind of things I think about.

The Limo [1.11]

Marshall: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.

Ted: You're not... Moby, are you?

Not Moby: Who?

Ted: The recording artist, Moby.

Not Moby: Oh, no.

Ted: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?

Not Moby: Oh, I thought you said Tony.

Ted: So your name's Tony?

Not Moby: No.

The Wedding [1.12]

Marshall: Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.

Lily: But I'm the bride. So, I win.

Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.

Lily: Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win.

[Lily takes Barney aside at MacLaren's after she sees him consoling Claudia, who just called off the wedding with Stuart]

Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!

Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?

Lily: [Thinks about it.] One of each!

Drumroll, Please [1.13]

Lily: [to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom] Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?

Ted: I had the most... amazing night ever.

Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."

Lily: Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."

Victoria: Why don't we just... dance. And have a great time. And when it's over, never see each other again.

Ted: Unless--

Victoria: No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight, we'll make a memory that will never be tarnished. Then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this moment... and it'll be perfect.

Ted: Wow... Okay I'm in.

Victoria: [enthusiastically] Okay!

Ted: I guess, uh, what, we'll need fake names?

Victoria: Um... you can call me Buttercup. [Ted and "Buttercup" shake hands]

Ted: Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm... Lando Calrissian. [Victoria laughs] Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded in--

Barney: [with bridesmaid on his arm] Hey Ted, Ted, Ted, look! I got a bridesmaid! Ted Ted look, Ted! The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See you Ted.

Ted: [to Victoria] So I'm Ted.

Victoria: Victoria.

Zip, Zip, Zip [1.14]

Marshall: [to Ted] Two days straight?

Lily: Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage.

Barney: [in the laser tag arena] Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!

Robin: See you on the other side.

Both: Yaahhhhh! Charging!

Barney: [Both got shot] Damn, wanna get a soft pretzel?

Robin: Sure.

Game Night [1.15]

Victoria: I've only had 2 boyfriends before Ted.

Robin: Prude alert!

Victoria: Well, two serious ones. I’ve dated others in between.

Robin: Slut alert!

Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.

Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.

Victoria: OK, it involves a game of Truth or Dare, a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.

Older Ted: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great.

Marshall: [staring goggle-eyed at Victoria] That is the greatest story ever!

Barney: Plus, here is the mini cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life: after Shannon and I talked, I nailed her!

Cupcake [1.16]

Lily: [Trying on wedding dresses] Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.

Ted: Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.

Life Among the Gorillas [1.17]

Bilson: Nice tie! Steak sauce!

Office Jerk: Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!

[Marshall looks for a stain on his tie]

Barney: Marshall, sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. A1? Get it?

Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, let's get to work. It’s 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.

Marshall: I don’t have a back door.

Bilson: Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!

Marshall: Right, well, I’m engaged.

Office Jerk: Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!

Marshall: We’re still engaged.

Bilson: Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!

Marshall: I want to give you the package.

Lily: The package? You’ve already given me the package. You’ve got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.

Marshall: Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.

Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you’ve got a huge package!

[Marshall turns around at the bar to see every hot girl eying him and smiling fiendishly]

Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M. [1.18]

Sandy Rivers: [to Robin] We should have sex!

Robin: What?!?!

Sandy Rivers: Why not, we’re both available, we’re both attractive, we’re both good at it, at least I’m good at it, and even if you’re not, don’t worry, I’ll have a good time either way.

Robin: Well moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don’t get involved with people I work with.

Sandy Rivers: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex! Having sex is fun! [he gives her his card and their news show starts]

Little girl: Do you have a fiancée?

Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancée.

Robin: Oh no, I don’t have a fiancée.

Little girl: Then who do you live with?

Robin: Well, actually, I’ve got five dogs.

Little girl: Don’t you get lonely?

Robin: No, I’ve got fiiive dogs.

Little girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.

Robin: Well, yeah, that’s cats, I’m not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady – doeesss anybody else have questions?

Little boy: Are you a lesbian?

Robin: NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. [mumbles] Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.

Mary the Paralegal [1.19]

Barney: [To Ted] Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it’s the world’s oldest profession.

Marshall: Do you really think that’s true?

Barney: Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.

Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You’ve been lawyered!

Ted: Mary, I'm not going to have sex with a prostitute.

Mary: No Ted, I'm a paralegal.

Ted: You're a hooker.

Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.

Ted: No, you're a hooker.

Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.

Ted: [pause] You're a paralegal.

Best Prom Ever [1.20]

Robin: [She and Lily come out in fancy dresses] All right, what do you think?

Barney: [Looks up] Horrible.

Lily: You're gonna make such a great dad.

Barney: You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home." So ladies... slut up!

Ted: So, how was your first prom?

Robin: You tell me. I hated my dress, my date got wasted and puked on me, there was a huge fight, and I kissed a girl.

Ted: So, basically, it was a prom.

Robin: [laughs] Okay, I've missed you. Not in a "we're going to make out" way, not even in an "I forgive you" way. Just in an "I've missed you" way.

Ted: I'll take what I can get.

Milk [1.21]

Wendy the Waitress: Be careful, the plate is very hot!

Ted: Oh go on, touch it.

Lily: [touches the plate] Ahh! Sweet damn, that’s a hot plate!

Lily: There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really know if something is a mistake or not. And dawn I made no mistakes. I've done all of this: my life, my relationship, my career mistakes free. Does any of this make sense to you ?

Ted: I don't know, you said 'mistake' a lot.

Come On [1.22]

[Ted and Barney try to recuit Barney's friend Penelope for the rain dance]

Penelope: Why the hell should I help you?

Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us but we did have a relationship.

Penelope: We had sex in your car twice and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?

Barney: Twice!

Penelope: [loudly] Barney, there is no way I'm- [student shushes her]

Barney: Seriously, come on.

Ted: Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.

Penelope: Why?

Ted: There's this girl-

Penelope: Oh, there's this girl! You know the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the great spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid.

Ted: But this is the girl I love! If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy!

Penelope: This wrong guy. Is he a huge jackass?

Ted: Absolutely.

Penelope: Kinda like Barney?

Ted: Kinda.

Barney: Hey!!

Penelope: You hit on my mom!

Barney: We weren't exclusive!

Penelope: [To Ted] I'm in.

[Ted goes to Robin's apartment after the rains begin]

Ted: Robin! Hey!! Robin!!! Oh, thank God you're here!

Robin: My camping trip got rained out!

Ted: I know, I'm sorry.

Robin: It's not your fault.

Ted: Yeah, it is. Come down here.

Robin: But it's pouring! You come up!

Ted: No, you have to come down here!

Robin: Why?

Ted: Why? Because I MADE IT RAIN!!! That's what I did today!!! And that's enough! I..I've done my part, now GET DOWN HERE!!!

Robin: I'm not dressed, Ted! Come up!

Ted: I'm not coming up there, Robin. I'm not. You HAVE to come down here!

[Robin contemplates going outside, looks at the blue French horn Ted gave her, and decides to go outside. She opens her door to find Ted.]

Robin: I was gonna...

Ted: I know. [Ted and Robin kiss]

Where Were We? [2.1]

[Marshall and Lily talk about Lily's program in San Francisco]

Marshall: So that's it? We're breaking up?

Lily: Marshall, I'm sorry. I just, I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out who I am outside of us, and the only way I can do that is if...if we don't talk for a while.

Marshall: For a while. Try never, okay? You walk out of that door, and we're done. You're never going to hear my voice again! [segue to Marshall talking to Ted] I should call her.

Ted: No, no, if you call her when she asks you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face.

Marshall: You're a good friend Ted.

[Robin complains about Marshall's depression after Lily leaves him.]

Robin: This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating, we agreed we don't want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.

Barney: Have you tried breast feeding? Nailed it!

The Scorpion and the Toad [2.2]

Ted: Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.

Robin: You're on.

Ted: Five AMERICAN bucks.

Robin: Dammit!

Older Ted: The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own special remedy.

Waiter: Morning, guys! What can I getcha?

Lily: Shhhhhh.....bring me the dirtiest, greasiest Tuna Melt you got. And a milkshake.

Waiter: For you, sir?

Ted: Uggh....gravy.

Waiter: Do you want that gravy on something?

Ted: ...Surprise me.

Robin: I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here, heehee! Just kidding, I'm good!

Lily: What are you so chirpy about?

Ted: She's still drunk from last night.

Robin: I don't think so! [looks around, then shakes her chest] WOOOO!

Brunch [2.3]

Robin: I'm a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, and everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision... which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.

[Barney is taking Ted's father to MacLaren's]

Ted's mother: I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.

Barney: St. Peter's, 8:45 AM. It's my favorite service.

Ted: Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?

Ted Mosby: Architect [2.4]

Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.

Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.

Kara: [talking about Lily] You should sue her.

Brad: Oh, yeah? On what grounds, Kara?

Kara: On the grounds of... shut up! [She then takes a drink and spits alcohol everywhere.]

Older Ted: That's our Attorney General.

World's Greatest Couple [2.5]

Ted: Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.

Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.

Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.

Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.

Barney: The Fortress of Barnitude?? No way.

Robin: Oh come on. She's desperate.

Barney: Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.

Lily: Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.

Barney: [Points to wall] See that wall? [Turns on TV] 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!

Lily: It hurts my eyes...

Barney: Yeah, that doesn't go away.

Aldrin Justice [2.6]

[Ted shows Lily the building model]

Lily: Wow you weren't kidding it really DOES look like a giant penis.

Ted: I know, but whatever reason Mr. Druthers just doesn't see it.

Lily: How can he NOT see it? I mean there's the- [points at the model]

Ted: I know...

Lily: And the way it-

Ted: I know...

Lily: And the two little-

Ted I KNOW...

Lily: [talks about Mr. Druthers] He was mean. And that's why I took away his ball.

Ted: What's the ball have to do with anything?

Lily: Druthers have to be taught he can't behave like that. When I was teaching kindergarten, whenever a kid was mean, I would take away one of his toys. The kid would be upset at first but then he'd learn to stop being mean.

Robin: Hey guys, what's going on?

Ted: Lily stole my boss's baseball signed three times by Pete Rose.

Robin: Why? Was he being mean?

Swarley [2.7]

Ted: So I guess that decides it.

Marshall: Yep.

Barney: Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.

Ted: Hey, what's that? [Looks at Marshall's cup]

Marshall: What?

Ted: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name! [in a sing-song voice] Somebody has a crush on you!

Barney: [in a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!

MacLaren's Pub Crowd: [as Barney enters] SWARLEY! [Carl the bartender plays the theme music to Cheers]

Atlantic City [2.8]

Marshall: Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.

Clerk: Aaww..I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!

Lily: Really!?

Clerk: Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.

Lily: Oh, so can we see a judge?

Clerk: Absolutely!

Lily: Really?

Clerk: Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.

Marshall: [clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us?

Clerk: Because you're on CANDID CAMERA!

Robin: Really?

Clerk: Is what I would say--

Marshall: You know what, we get it.

Barney: If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would've been a feature about it in Details magazine.

Slap Bet [2.9]

Ted: Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?

Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.

Marshall: The "Ohhh..." moment?

Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.

[Flashback to Barney with different girls]

Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.

Barney: Ohhhh.....

Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!

Barney: Ohhhh.....

Girl #3: I just turned 30.

Barney: Ohhhhhh.....

[back to present]

Barney: So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible

Ted: Hmm...I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh...." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?

[flash to Robin and Ted at the altar]

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife.

Ted: I love you.

Robin: I used to be a dude.

Ted: Ohhhhhh.....

[The gang watches 'Let's Go to the Mall']

Lily: This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!!

Marshall: That's YOU?

Robin: Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.

Single Stamina [2.10]

Marshall: Oh, poor me. I get to order yummy pink drinks with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like but can't order because they'll be made fun of.

Ted: Dude

Marshall: They're delicious!

Barney: [to James] Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun! [to Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin] Huh... yes offense.

How Lily Stole Christmas [2.11]

[After Ted tells Barney what he called Lily]

Barney: Ted Vivian Mosby!

Ted: That's not my middle name..

Barney: You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Ted: Like you've never said that word?

Barney: I don't kiss your mother with my mouth, yet...

[Barney sneezes]

Ted: Are you sick?

Barney: Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?

Ted: No, I meant do you have a cold?

Barney: I'm fine. [blows his nose from a cold]

[Ted and Robin look at him]

Barney: I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. If you'll excuse me, holiday is the time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

[Barney is lying in bed with a cold]

Barney: This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off playing laser-tag right now but instead ... don't look at me, I'm hideous.

Robin: You just look like a regular guy.

Barney: Exactly, I'm a Ted! I'm wearing elastic waist fleece pants

Robin: And isn't it more comfy?

Barney: Yes.

Robin: Come on, you need to eat something.

Barney: Too weak...to hold...bowl.

Robin: Fine, I'll feed you.

Barney: :[in a baby voice] Ouchy in my mouth ... I don't want it. I want ice cream.

Robin: No, you're not having ice cream for dinner just because you're sick.

Barney: But my throat hurts.

Robin: No...

Barney: I HATE YOU!

Robin: Oh. [stands up to leave]

Barney: Don't leave me.

First Time In New York [2.12]

[Marshall and Lily castigate Barney for describing his first time to have sex with a girl, which seems familiar to Lily]

Lily: That's 'Dirty Dancing'!

Ted: It was on last night.

Marshall: No, it was two nights ago. "She's Like the Wind" has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!

Robin: [Downs drink] I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have help me talk her out of it.

Marshall: A speech to talk a girl out of sex...

Ted: ...yeah I don't have any of those.

Barney: Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.

Robin: Please I'm her older sister I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions

Lily: It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.

Robin: [Slurred speech] That's why I need your help!

Columns [2.13]

Barney: [picks up dart] Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!

Robin: Oh, wow, a new dart!

Ted: Hey, that new dart is great!

Robin: I did not know you were such a fan of "newdart", Barney!

Barney: Oh yes, Robin, I just love "newdart"...”nude art". "Nude art"! [Barney, Robin and Ted laugh]

Marshall: Okay, all right, so what, you found the painting, didn't you?!?

Lily: I knew this day would come.

Marshall: Why is that?

Lily: Because I didn't hide it very well.

Carl: Hey Marshall, whataya have?

Marshall: Whata I’ll have, oh I don’t know maybe a beer and that nude painting of me hanging behind the bar!

Carl: Oh I’m sorry that painting is property of the bar.

Marshall: I know Barney gave you that painting!

Carl: I don’t know what you’re talking about...

Marshall: Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you double!

Carl: Doubt it.

Marshall: Whatever he is paying you I’ll pay you that plus ten bucks!

Carl: Doubt it.

Marshall: Alright you know what, Carl, you just lost yourself a regular customer!!!

Carl: Doubt it.

Monday Night Football [2.14]

Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?

Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?

Ted: Virtually.

Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.

Lily: Sartorial?

Barney: Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. [In a high-pitched voice] What up? [Raises his hand in anticipation for a high-five]

[Everybody walks past Barney except Marshall, who giggles and gives him a high-five]

Ted: [tries to convince the group of watching the recorded Superbowl together a day after because of the wake for Mark] Who's in?

Lily: I'm in!

Robin: I'm in.

Marshall: I'm in!

Barney: What the hell. I'm in! HIGH-FIVE!!! [raises his hand]

Ted: Dude.. we are at a wake!

Barney: [looks around] Sorry.... [puts his hand over the table saying in a low and grave voice:] solemn low-five!

Lucky Penny [2.15]

Marshall: [giving himself a pep talk in the mirror before his run] This is going to be your best run yet. You are going to accomplish all of your goals. [monotone] You are a robot sent from the future to win the Marathon. You are Marshall…You are Marshall….You are Marshall!…Yeaaaahhh!!!.

Barney: [talking with Lily about waiting in line for the wedding-dress sale] I can’t go, I’ve got this thing…

Lily: What thing?

Barney: ...a penis.

Stuff [2.16]

[Robin sees Ted's ex-girlfriends in the things he owns on the living room]

Jeannie Radford, Phone Booth Girl: I'm Ted's college girlfriend. He made me 12 mix tapes. How many has he made you?

Allison Moses, Lamp Girl: He calls you a sweetie pie? He called me a sweetie pie.

Lauren Stein, Throw Pillow Girl: I'm stupid, but my rack is bigger than yours!

Barney: [to Lily during his play] Moist. Moist. Moist...

Older Ted: This was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.

Arrivederci, Fiero [2.17]

[Ted and Marshall are stuck in the snow after Marshall admits he wants to marry Lily someday.]

Ted: [to Marshall, who's cuddling with him to remain warm] Marshall, are you still thinking about Lily?

Marshall: Yeah.

Ted: Please stop!

Robin: Shut up! Now listen to me. The clock is ticking. Okay, first thing: we scoop up all these little pieces of tofu and cabbage. Next, what we need to take care of are the messy parts; the pools that have collected. We gotta soak that soup up. Last...is the smell. We gotta cover up that Tam Kuk Gye. You mentioned cigars?

Lily: There's two in the glove compartment, but he's been saving...

Robin: Hand me those chopsticks.

[5 minutes later, Robin and Lily are smoking cigars]

Robin: Mmm, hey, how 'bout some tunes? [500 Miles by The Proclaimers starts playing] Ohh, great song!

[Lily shudders]

Lily: These cigars aren't helping at all.

Robin: [grinning] Yeah, this was a terrible idea.

Lily: Uggh, now it just smells like a...homeless guy threw up in here.

[Robin stares at her in amazement; Lily looks back at her. They have their alibi.]

[flash to present]

Marshall: The broken windows?

Lily: We had to make it look realistic!

Marshall: Well why did you break two of them?

Robin: Uhhh...it looked like fun when she did it so I wanted to try.

Marshall: I can't believe this whole time it was you guys; I've been blaming Really Tan Dancing Leotard guy.

Moving Day [2.18]

[Barney talking on phone to Ted in a deep voice]

Ted: Barney...

Barney: This isn't Barney. ...but I hear that guy's awesome. All right. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one, put on the suit. Number two, meet me at MacLaren's in an hour.

Ted: How will I know who to look for since we've never met?

[Awkward pause.]

Barney: ...I look like Barney.

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...

Ted: It was never your truck.

Barney: If Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.

Ted: It was a rental.

Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. [they all laugh] Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squealer." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boni." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Bachelor Party [2.19]

Barney: Alright, fine, the stripper at Stewart’s Bachelor Party was a 15.

Ted: [Appalled] She was 15?

Barney: A 15. Like in blackjack.

Ted: As in, not sure whether you’d hit it?

Barney: Exactly!

Ted: Nice.

[Flashback of Barney talking to Lily in San Francisco]

Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened. [Barney slams the door behind him, but opens it again] Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do... Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?

Showdown [2.20]

Robin: [Lily walks out, wearing her wedding dress] Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful!

Lily: I know, I'm beautiful! I'm a fairy princess! [She lifts her arms up and the dress falls down to her waist, exposing her breasts] I'm too skinny for my dress!!

[Barney wants to know the identity of his father]

Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? A lot of kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?

Barney's Mom: Oh, I don't know. That guy. [points to TV set showing a broadcast of The Price Is Right]

Something Borrowed [2.21]

Barney: May I have everybody's attention...[Everyone ignores Barney] It's for the bride.

[Everyone stops talking & turns towards Barney]

Ted: Dude... you shaved your fricking head?

Marshall: Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea- [Looks in mirror] 'Oh, God, what did I do!? How could you let me shave my head!?'

Ted: What!?

Marshall: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you!

Something Blue [2.22]

Lily: We should come up with a whole new last name.

Marshall: Oh, that's easy; Lily and Marshall Skywalker.

Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.

Marshall: Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Hey have you met the Awesomes? Lily, Marshall their son Totally and their daughter Freaking?

Ted: Seriously, where do you see yourself in five years?

Robin: Where do you see yourself?

Ted: Honestly, in five years, I'd probably want to be married.

Robin: And I'd probably want to be in Argentina.

Ted: Argentina?

Robin: Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look Ted, I don't know where I'm gonna be in five years. I don't wanna know, I want my life to be an adventure.

Ted: We have an expiration date, don't we?

Wait For It [3.01]

[Ted confronts Robin over Gael leaving Spanish massage oil on his apartment]

Ted: Look, us breaking up was the right thing, but it took some time to get over you, you know. I'm still getting over you, but you, you were over the minute they started the in-flight movie.

Robin: Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And that's why Gael happened.

Ted: You were trying to win the breakup?

Robin: I was trying to survive it.

[Barney is in his office, working late. He answers his phone]

Barney: Go for Barney.

Marshall: Hey man. It's Marshall. Check your email, sent you something.

Barney: What is it?

Marshall: A new website. Slapcountdown.com

Barney: [Barney looks at his computer screen, which displays a timer counting down days, hours, minutes and seconds.] What does this mean? Marshall? [Marshall has already hung up] No... NOOOOOOOOO!

We're Not From Here [3.02]

Barney: Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatability with your paramour and conclude your association.

Robin: My journey was transformative and I reassert my committment to both the aforementioned paramour & the philosophies he espouses.

Gael: What are we talking of? Baseball?

Barney: It's all gonna return to masticate you in the glutials. Support my hypothesis, Ted.

Ted: I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.

Robin: Quick announcement: I am glad you are here, fellow travelers. A couple rules. Ah, not rules, let's call them "Guidelines for Harmonious Living". Guideline for Harmonious Living #1: The kitchen sink is for dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee. GFHL #2: Marijuana is illegal in the United States, yes, even when baked into a blueberry muffin, that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast, before leaving for their job as a TV newcaster. "This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand?" is not an appropriate thing to say on the air. And #3-

[everyone cheers]

Robin: AND #3 IS KEEP THE NOISE TO A MINIMUM!

The Third Wheel [3.03]

Ted: What? We agreed! I suited up!

Barney: You take too long to get ready.

Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.

Marshall: Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to acheive.

Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!

Marshall: Okay, new scenario: We're caught in a car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses come in with a 6-pack of wine coolers. I try to blink at them in Morse code. [bats eyes] Please... no... I love my dead wife. But they're medical professionals and I have to assume this is good for me.

Lily: Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.

Marshall: [Muttering] Already did this morning.

Little Boys [3.04]

Robin: What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...

Ted [voiceover]: But she's afraid of commitment.

Lily [voiceover]: But she's a gun nut.

Barney [voiceover]: But she's... Canadian.

Marshall [voiceover]: But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.

All: I can't think of anything.

Doug: You're supposed to pour the milk first!

Robin: No, you pour the cereal first to see how much milk you need!

Doug: It tastes better milk first!

Robin: It tastes the same!

Doug: Why are you wearing my dad's pants?

Robin: Milk first it is.

How I Met Everyone Else [3.05]

Blah Blah: You guys dated? For how long?

Robin: A year. But, don't worry. The relationship wasn't that good. At the end, it was mostly about sex. Which wasn't that good. I was the problem. I just lie there. But Ted is very good. He will... get you where you need to go.

[flashback to when Marshall met Barney]

Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.

Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. [Lily walks in the bar] How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?

Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think Ted, should I go for it?

Ted: Don't do it, man, think about Lily?

Marshall: You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.

Barney: Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger! [Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar] Poor guy's gonna crash and burn. [Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.] That man is a god.

I'm Not That Guy [3.06]

Barney: [to Marshall, who is talking about being recruited by Jeff Coatsworth] Oh, he's good. Classic seduction technique. I use it all the time. First, I buy her, and by her I mean you, a drink. Then I pretend to be interested in whatever she cares about, for you that would be the.. environment. I be all sympathetic and before you know it, you're naked in my apartment shouting, "Oh-oh, Ba-ar-nee-ee-ee!" And by you, I mean her...

[Barney gets the gang a copy of a porn movie starring 'the other' Ted Mosby]

Barney: Got it. Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect staring Ted Mosby.

Ted: Terrific.

Barney: [loads DVD] You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.

[DVD plays, showing Lance Hardwood and a woman]

Lance Hardwood: [taps keys] Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building.

Ted: That really looks like our apartment.

Barney: It is. Oh, I should return these. [gives flat keys back to Ted]

Woman: Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.

Marshall, Ted, Robin and Lily: OOOOHH!!! [stand up suddenly from the couch in disgust]

Dowisetrepla [3.07]

Marshall: Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassry that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!

Lily:... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby.

Lily: I don't think now is the right time to buy.

Marshall: But we're not doing this for now; we're doing this for our future. Can't you imagine starting a family here?

[Lily imagines painting with her two daughters.]

Lily: Oh, Persephone, oh Daphne, these will make great additions to our up-and-coming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.

Marshall: [enters in a turtleneck, carrying a dog and crêpes au chocolat] Looks great, girls. Who wants crêpes au chocolat?

Lily, Persephone, & Daphne: Merci, Papa!

Spoiler Alert [3.08]

Marshall: [looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.

Robin: For who, a witch building a house in the forest?

Marshall: Sugar helps me study.

Barney: This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.

Lily: Who leaves a 10 year old alone for the weekend?

Barney [Sarcastically]: Oh, and your mom was perfect.

Ted: I mean, you got used to Lily's loud chewing, right?

Marshall:... Lily doesn't chew loudly.

Ted: Dude. This isn't news. Why do you think I call her Chewbacca?

Marshall: I suspect because she's loyal, wears shiny belts, and I resemble a young Harrison Ford.

Slapsgiving [3.09]

Ted: How many days are there in October?

Barney: Ah, thirty?

Ted: Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.

[flashback to last year]

Barney: [as Borat] I like Halloween very much. Is nice! [flashes thumbs-up]

Ted: [in a Borat-style accent] Is also tomorrow.

Barney: Damn it!

Barney: Hey, guys, we're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing!

Lily: Barney, put it away.

Barney: How does it feel, Marshall? To sit there impotently, your large, flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?

Computer: The slap will occur in ten-

Barney: Ooh, classy touch, dude. TOO BAD!

Lily: Barney, put it away!

Barney: I will. In [counts with the computer] five, four-

Lily: [to Marshall] You can slap him.

Barney: What??

Computer: Two, one.

[Marshall slaps Barney]

Marshall: That's three!

The Yips [3.10]

Ted: I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap Deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?

Barney: Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness. But I don't work out there.

Ted: What do you do?

Barney: I invest.

Trish: All right. Start with a hundred push-ups!

Marshall: All right, cool. How many do you want me to do?

Trish: A hundred.

Marshall: Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech. A hundred push-ups. Like do a bazillion push-ups. No one can do a hundred.

Trish: [sniffing] Do you smell that?

Marshall: No.

Trish: Smells like there's a little bitch in my gym. Are you being a little bitch in my gym?

Marshall: No.

Trish: Then get on the floor and give me a hundred!

The Platinum Rule [3.11]

Robin: We can split a cab to work together, we always have a standing lunch date, and last night, at the hockey game, Curt got us into the locker room and I met Mason Raymond. [gang looks clueless] Left wing for the Vancouver Canucks!

Barney: What's the opposite of name-dropping?

Ted: [Flashes his butterfly tattoo.] Say goodbye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer.

Lily: Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?

No Tomorrow [3.12]

Barney: Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There’s three rules of cheating: 1. It’s not cheating if you’re not the one who’s married. 2. It’s not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she’s from a different area code. You’re fine on all three counts.

Ted: How do you know she’s from a different area code?

Barney: She’s 516. She might dress like she’s 718 and act like she’s 212, but trust me she’s 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty’s Day? If that dude’s not 973, I’m 307…Wyoming.

Barney: The World is going to come to an end tonight. Yes think about it. End of the World, Nostradamus, Notre Dame, Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patrick's Day. This is it Bro. Bro-pacalypse Now... Bro-Mageddon.

Ten Sessions [3.13]

Ted: I mean, do you know what you're gonna want for lunch ten weeks from now?

Marshall: Sloppy Joe, shrimp cocktail, and a milkshake.

Stella: Ah the butterfly tramp stamp, my bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real stories involves a bad break up and some booze, unless it's a gang tattoo in which case I thinks time to find a new gang.

Ted: Ah no, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden...

The Bracket [3.14]

Barney: There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.

Robin: Of course there are.

Barney: Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.

Lily: You can not be more evil.

Barney: Sorry five. Recently widowed.

Barney: Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hands, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.

The Chain of Screaming [3.15]

Ted: Gee, is that ice cream cone big enough?

Robin: Uhhh, it's delicious enough.

Barney: Shotgun for eternity!

Robin: You can't call shotgun for eternity.

Barney: I just called it.

Robin: You can't just call things!

Barney: I call that I can call things!

Sandcastles In The Sand [3.16]

Robin: I wanted to be sixteen again.

Barney: Robin, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth.

Barney: You're the most awesome person I've ever met. Well, second.

Robin: Right, first being you.

Barney: No, actually, it's this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up?

The Goat [3.17]

[Robin and Barney just had sex]

Robin: Okay, here's the deal Barney; the moment my feet touch the ground this never happened.

Barney: Okay. Wait! [lifts up covers] Right-Click, Save As, Into the b-peg folder and Okay! This never happened. It's a good plan.

Robin: Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.

Barney: Okay.

Robin: [whispering] Okay.

Barney: All right... So Robin?

Robin: Yes Barney?

Barney: Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last night?

[Ted is furious with Barney over sleeping with Robin and comes to a decision]

Ted: You know what Barney, earlier this week I've been putting some stuff into a box and that box was labelled "Stuff I Have No Use For Anymore."

Barney: What do you mean?

Ted: All I'm saying is, maybe you belong in that box.

Barney: Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?

Ted: I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.

Rebound Bro [3.18]

Lily: So, looking forward to tonight?

Stella: Yes! It's been so long since I had a night out.

Lily: We heard. I'd explode if it had been that long since I had a 'night out.'

Marshall: This one sometimes wakes me up at 3:00 AM for a little 'night out.'

Stella: What are you guys talking about?

Lily: Ummm, nothing. Pizza. What are you talking about?

Barney: Now remember my three beginner's tips for picking up chicks: address her by name, isolate her from her friends, subtly put her down.

Everything Must Go [3.19]

Lily: Today I yelled at a little girl for drawing a rainbow.

Ted: A rainbow? Sounds like that bitch had it coming.

Abby: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Barney: Yes!

Abby: You're thinking about having sex with Ted?

Miracles [3.20]

Stella: So, my sister broke up with her boyfriend.

Ted: Well, now I can finally say it: I hated that guy! Everything out of his mouth is 'I'm a vegan!', 'Fish feel pain!', 'I'm never constipated!'. That guy's an idiot.

Stella: Actually, she's marrying him. I just wanted your honest opinion.

Ted: He's actually a really nice guy. There's a wisdom...

Marshall: God sent those lice to my head like he sent the locust to Egypt: to liberate me from corporate bondage. Miracle.

Do I Know You? [4.1]

Older Ted: Kids, here's something I wish my dad had told me. The longest pause you will ever experience in your life is the one that follows asking the question..

Ted: [to Stella] Will you marry me?

Older Ted: Your brain goes into overdrive, imagining every possible response.

[Flashbacks to every possible response]

Stella: No

[Next response]

Stella: Oh, god no!

[Next response]

Stella:[bursts into laughter] You want me to marry... No

Stella: Awww I'm sorry Ted, I can't. Mark Johnson, the quaterback from the highschool football team, already asked me.

Mark Johnson: What's up turd?

Ted: It's TED!

[Back to present time]

Older Ted: But if you're lucky, she might answer with the single greatest word in the English language...

Stella: Yes.

Ted: [about Star Wars] It's just a movie.

[121 minutes of awesomeness later]

Ted: Okay, if Stella doesn't like this movie I can't marry her.

Marshall: No, you can't.

Ted: Wanna watch it again?

Marshall: Yes, I do.

The Best Burger in New York [4.2]

Ted: Chinese?

Barney: I don't like Chinese.

Ted: Indian?

Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese.

Ted: Indian isn't Chinese.

Barney: Weird meat, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?

Ted: Mexican?

Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese!

Marshall: Just a Burger? Just a burger. Robin, it’s so much more than "just a burger." I mean…that first bite—oh, what heaven that first bite is. The bun, like a sesame freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below, flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then…a pickle! The most playful little pickle! Then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce and a…a patty of ground beef so exquisite, swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savor so delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God, speaking to us in food.

Lily: And you got our wedding vows off the internet???

I Heart NJ [4.3]

Stella: Bruce Springsteen.

Ted: Sinatra.

Stella: Yeah, he's from Hoboken...New Jersey.

Ted: Yeah, but what city is he singing about? It's not Secaucus, Secaucus!

Marshall: I hate New York! I'm sorry, but it's true! Today, I was walking around PriceCo. Have you been there? It's huge! All the stores in New York are so cramped! Every time I turn around I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the oceans to destroy bodegas! ...I'm too big for New York, okay! I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats, or duck under doorways that were built a hundred and fifty years ago. "Hey, people are bigger now! Build bigger doorways! What the hell is wrong with you?" ...And it's so loud. All the time. Yes, I know it's the city that never sleeps, but guess what? I like to sleep! I've been tired for eight years! Tired and scared, with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit into all these tiny elf doorways! New Jersey's great! It's got huge stores, and lawns, and you never have to carry a cup again! For the rest of your life! I'm not afraid to say it: I love New Jersey! [sees Lily's face] I'm just kidding.

Intervention [4.04]

Barney: [in old man make-up] You there, what's your name?

Woman: Cindy.

Barney: Cindy. I knew it! You're the Cindy, the one that can change everything...or spell our inevitable doom. Now listen to me, Cindy. I am Barney Stinson. And I am on an urgent mission from the future.

Woman: The future?

Barney: The future! And I can prove it! In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man.

[Robin slaps Ted; woman is amazed]

Barney: In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane...but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him. Tonight.

Woman: What?

Barney: Sleep with Barney Stinson, tonight, in whatever way he wants it...or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race!

Woman: What are you talking about?

Barney: I have no time to explain. I have to get back to the reality accelerator before the vortex closes. Only you can save us, Cindy. I must away!

[Barney returns a few minutes later, looking like himself]

Woman: Oh my God! You're-oh my God! Can I buy you a drink?

Barney: Well, I guess I have time for one drink, and forty-five minutes to an hour of some other activity. But after that I have to get back to, uh, a secret research project I'm working on.

Woman: Global warming?

Barney: My god. How did you know that?

Robin: Wait, woah, what damage did I cause?

Marshall: Remember that night where you drank the twelver of Molson and got all "Super Canadian"?

[flashback]

Robin: [holding a hockey stick] Stanley Cup. Game six, eh? The Rangers are aboot to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks.

Marshall: Hey Robin, I'll give you twenty bucks if you can shoot it through the front door.

Robin: Oh! You're nuttier than a Tim Hortons maple log! Timmy Ho! [tries to shoot the puck through the door]

Lily: [grabs the puck] No. That's it, Robin. Gimme the stick!

Robin: I'll give you summer teeth... Some are here, some are there.

Lily: Robin, just give me the stick!

Robin: No. Take off, hoser!

Lily: Alright, that's it!

[Robin and Lily begin to fight]

Marshall: Go America!

Ted: Alright, alright! Break it up! BREAK IT UP!

Barney: Te-ed, no! You never break up a girl fight! NEVER!! [punches a hole in the wall and storms out]

Shelter Island [4.05]

Marshall: There's no meat.

Lily: There's no alcohol.

Marshall: It gets worse—I am 90% sure that guy you were talking with used to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.

[Robin has reservations about Ted and Stella's wedding, and Ted is not pleased]

Ted: We broke up over a year ago.

Robin: Yeah, but that's not that long ago. Watching you marry another woman isn't what I was looking forward to. I don't know, if I would change my mind about marriage and kids, it's nice to know that you were there.

Ted: So I was your safety school. How flattering.

Robin: It's just, I..

Ted: Why are you bringing all this up? There's nothing between us anymore.

Robin: Well maybe there is! I mean, of course, there is, that kind of stuff just doesn't disappear without a trace. I'm not just another guest here, Ted.

Ted: Great. We used to date, but we've both moved on and look, we got what we wanted. I'm getting married, you got your dream job in Tokyo, and we live happily ever-

Robin: I quit my job.

Ted: What?

Robin: I'm moving back to New York. I thought I wanted that job, but I want to come back to my real life, and I think you should go back to yours.

Ted: What does that supposed to mean?

Robin: Don't get married. Look you're rushing into this, it's like you're trying to skip ahead to the end of the book. Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know; you stole a blue French horn for me, you tried to make it rain-

Ted: I did make it rain.

Robin: It was a coincidence, but after all that, this is how your great romantic quest comes to an end? You're just disappearing into someone else's wedding, someone else's house, someone else's life without a second thought. That's not the amazing ending that you deserve. That's not Ted Mosby.

Ted: [after long pause] I love Stella, she's the one. You really feel that way, I guess it's a good thing you're not coming to the wedding after all. [storms out]

Happily Ever After [4.06]

Marshall: Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true.

Ted: Well, that's her business.

Barney: Come on Ted, she left you at the altar! [gang begins arguing until Lily notices the taxi]

Lily: Wa-wait, where's she going? Her cab just missed the turn to the Lincoln Tunnel.

Robin: Why would anybody buy take-out food and take it all the way back to New Jersey, anyway?

Ted: She's going to her office.

Marshall: No. [recounts restaurant order scene] The waiter asked her, "And you need utensils?" She said, "No,I'll just take them straight home."

Ted: And if she's going home, why are we still heading to- oh my God. Tony lives downtown. 'Home' is Tony's apartment. She was gonna make me move to New Jersey, and she's moving into the city WITH TONY?!? Son of a bitch! [Gang cheers him on]

Marshall: Finally, finally, buddy.

Ted: I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!

Marshall: I know, I know, and I love it! [Ted rips off window crank] Yeah, that is awesome! [to taxi driver] Sir, we'd be happy to cover the cost of that window crank! I love angry Ted!

Ted: So do I!

[After Ted fails to deliver his 'cold-blooded' speech to Stella because he just saw Tony and Lucy happily greeting her.]

Future Ted: That moment, I wasn't angry anymore. Kids, you may think there's only one choice - you swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face. There's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that it is really gone, then you can move forward. And that was the perfect end to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there, waiting for me.

Not A Father's Day [4.07]

[Marshall and Lily are making out on the couch when a pajama-clad Robin sits down and munches ice cream with beer]

Marshall: So Robin, how's the job and apartment search going?

Robin: [sarcastic] Oh you didn't hear? I'm a lead anchor on CNN and I've got a penthouse overlooking Central Park made of gold! Get your head out of your ass, Marshall!

[Barney just discovered he did not sire a baby with his latest sexual conquest and tells Marshall about it]

Barney: Marshall, great news: I'm not a father.

Marshall: Congratulations. [Shakes Barney's hand]

Barney: I know, this is the happiest moment of my life! Marshall, the way I feel about not having kids. I never knew I could love something this much. That's why, I'm creating a holiday. From now on, today will be known as "Not A Father's Day"!

Marshall: Wow, you're creating a holiday.

Barney: Why not? Everybody gets a day - mothers, fathers, Bastille's...why can't there a be a day for those who are single and like it that way?

Wooo! [4.08]

Robin: Look at those girls Lily. Look at them and listen to what their "woos" are really saying.

Woman #1: Woooo!

Subtitle: I cry in the shower!

Woman #2: Woooo!

Subtitle: I've never been on a second date!

Woman #3: Woooo!

Subtitle: What if I never get to be a Mother?!

Woman #4: Woooo!

Subtitle: I'm secretly in love with Jillian!

[Woman #4 looks admiringly at Jillian]

Ted: Woooo!

Subtitle: My career and love life are heading nowhere!

[After landing the Goliath National Bank building design job]

Ted: Woooo!

Subtitle: Now only my love life's a disaster!

The Naked Man [4.09]

Future Ted: If you wanna go swimming, you don't just dive in. First you dip your toe on the water, you check the temperature see how it feels and then you slowly wade in.

Ted: He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. He is...The Naked Man.

The Fight [4.10]

Robin: [explains attraction towards battle-hardened men] I come from a culture of hockey players and if a guy can throwdown, its somewhat way hot...and scars? Hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin and if he's missing his teeth, I'm missing my pants!

Future Ted: Kids, I can't tell you whether fighting is good or bad; and I can't tell you not to do it. I can only give you one piece of advice about fighting: don't get into a fight with your uncle Marshall. Cuz that guy's crazy.

Little Minnesota [4.11]

[Barney sings sexual versions of Christmas songs whenever Ted receives a Christmas greetings card]

Barney: [on first card, Christmas 2005] Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I'll make your sister moan - OOOH! Heather's hot, Heather's hot, we'll go all the way...

[on second card, Christmas 2006] I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked...and down on all fours! [gets ribbed by Ted]

[on third card, Christmas 2007] Ted has a little sister, get's hotter every day, and if I ever meet her with her boobies I will play - Everybody! Sister, sister, sister...

[Marshall brings Robin to a Minnesota-themed bar, the Walleye Saloon]

Robin: [Reading placard on the bar shelf] 'I'm drinking 'till I forget the 1999 NFC Championship'?

Marshall: That game. The Vikings were two minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, when our kicker, who hadn't missed all year, shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime. [slams fist on table] Damn!

Bud: [overhears Marshall's rant from bar counter] '99 NFC Championship, huh?

Marshall: Yeah.

Bud: Damn! [slams fist on table as well]

Benefits [4.12]

Robin: You know what it is? We were having sex. Men and women need sex to live together. It... it solves all disputes.

Ted: Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace.

[flashback]

Barney: So I explain to her... I said, "Madeleine, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension."

Ted: Every international conflict?

Barney: Every single one, dude.

Ted: So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...

Barney: Gaza Strippers! Next...

Ted: Apartheid.

Barney: Apart thighs! What else you got?

Ted: Cold War.

Barney: [brief pause] Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants!

Barney: Ted, I have to tell you the truth! I'm in love with [sees Robin] Taaacos!

Three Days of Snow [4.13]

Lily: Fort Lager Dale, get it?

Marshall: Minne Cider, get it?

Lily: Aspen Yards Ale, get it?

Marshall: Actually, no.

Lily: Me neither. I was hoping you would.

Barney: If I can land just one of these girls, I'll have Party School Bingo.

[Ted rifles around in the peanut bowl, not taking the bait.]

Barney: Come on, Ted. You're the only one here.

Ted: [mock apologetically] Oh, sorry! [mock interest] What's Party School Bingo?

Barney: Every year, Playboy releases a list of the top party schools in the country. I take the top 25 and I make up a Bingo card. All I need is Arizona Tech, which is crazy... In league play that would normally be designated a free space.

Ted: So, uh, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?

Barney: Oh, it's just me.

Ted: Then what's the point, then?

Barney: The point is to get five in a row.

Ted: And what do you get when you get five in a row?

Barney: I get Bingo.

The Possimpible [4.14]

Lily: Wow. You had more fans than I thought.

Ted: And only about 60% of them are prison inmates.

Robin: What are these guys thinking? I am WAY past my "dating prisoners" phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.

The Stinsons [4.15]

Lily: Wait, Barney, hold on. Where are you going?

Barney: Nowhere. The beach. It's winter- laser tag. Home. Shut up, you're going somewhere!

Marshall: Where does this girl live?

Robin: We're talking about a girl who got Barney Stinson to actually commit… I'm guessing Narnia.

Sorry, Bro [4.16]

Marshall: So then they'd break up, Ted would be all depressed, and we would wait the appropriate amount of time and then we'd tell him how we really felt.

[Flashback to college dorm]

Ted: Karen and I broke up.

Lily: We hated her!

Marshall: Bitch had to go!

[Lily and Marshall high-five]

Ted: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?

Marshall: No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one, supervolcano. Number two, an asteroid hits the earth. Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen. Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.

Lily: I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.

The Front Porch [4.17]

[Karen just saw Robin's earrings]

Karen: Are those real diamond earrings?

Robin: Yes, they are. Thank you. [smiles]

Karen: I didn't say I like them.

Robin: Well, I got a great deal on them.

Karen: Cool. I'm sure the exploited diamond miners of Sierra Leone would give you a high five if they still have their fingers. [changes to happy tone] but they're really pretty.

[Lily just confessed to Ted the truth about engineering his breakups, especially that with Robin, which turned out to be accidental]

Robin: Oh my God!

Ted: Lily, you can't manipulate people like that! I've known you 12 years and I can honestly say I've NEVER BEEN MORE FURIOUS AT YOU!

Lily: Ted I...

Ted: I don't want to hear it..

Barney: [cuts in] Whoa whoa, settle down for a minute! I only have one question: How do these shirts feel in bed?

Marshall: Come, let's go see. [Marshall and Barney head to the bedroom]

Robin: So if it weren't for you, Ted and I would still be dating?

Lily: OR you would have stayed together far too long, had an incredibly bitter breakup and not remain friends and [teary eyed, to Robin] you and I would never have become best friends.

Robin: You don't even have to say that. [Hugs Lily]

Ted: Stop hugging! Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. You got lucky; you met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18, but that doesn't give you the right to play God to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. You are so concerned with who you and Marshall are gonna end up in that front porch with-you know what, you can have it to yourselves. [leaves living room]

Old King Clancy [4.18]

Ted: [talking about Bilson, who just fired him] After he proposed a vocational paradigm shift I made an impromptu presentation using a four-prong approach which really brought him to his knees.

Barney: You hit him with a chair?

Ted: Yep.

Barney: Good man!

Marshall: If I could nail a celebrity it would be Lily. She's the star of my heart.

Lily: Aww. For me it would be Hugh Jackman.

Murtaugh [4.19]

Laser Tag Owner: You're too old for this s-

Future Ted: Stuff. He said stuff.

Marshall: THAT'S NOT RUNNING, THAT'S FALLING!

Mosbius Designs [4.20]

Barney: I'm - wait for it - in - wait for it - love - wait for it - with - wait for it - a -wait for it - certain - wait for it...

Marshall: I KNOW YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ROBIN!

Robin: When PJ had a job, he was sexy. He was guardian of the bathroom key. A hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee? That's the dream.

Ted: [incredulous] That's the dream? THAT'S the dream?!?!?! Like what Martin Luther King was talking about??

Three Days Rule [4.21]

Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and then they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like "Uh okayy, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.

Robin: [reading "Holly's" text message for Ted] "Hey Baby, I picked up some take out from Gennaro`s, be home soon." Ok, this sounds bad, but lets think about this, it could be for a brother, or maybe her sick dad.

Ted: Scroll down...

Robin: [reading] "And then I want you to do me on the couch..." Ok, maybe not a sick dad...or a VERY sick dad, am I right? [laughs] Sorry...

Right Place, Right Time [4.22]

Future Ted: The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps it's wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working... Making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.. exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time.

[Barney confronts Matthew Panning over the 200-women dare, even though he screwed up the count.]

Matthew Panning: So Barney, great to hear from you after all this time, what's going on?

Barney: I've had sex with 200 women! [shows the list]

Matthew: [sees list] Good God, that's way too many. I mean, that's just gross! You sought counselling for sex addiction? Because you are a prime candidate.

Barney: Oh, have you sought counselling for I-win-you-lose? Suddenly, those hundred girls you nailed in the seventh grade aren't so impressive.

Matthew: Hundred girls? Is that what this is about? Barney, I lied!

Barney: Sure you did.

Matthew: I was 12, of course I was lying. I didn't have a pet Ewok either.

Barney: Sure you didn't.

Matthew: Your whole adult life is based on something I lied about when I was 12?

Barney: Jealous?

Matthew: [exasperated with Barney's response] I gotta go pick up my kids at school. Sounds like you got a lot of problems. Good luck, I guess. [leaves]

Barney: I'm awesome. [tears up list] Okay, 200. Now what? [looks at Robin]

As Fast As She Can [4.23]

[Barney's just been given a speeding ticket]

NJ Policewoman: Get out of the car.

Barney: [in a suave voice] Why, am I under arrest?

NJ Policewoman: No, [takes off helmet and unzips uniform blouse] you're about to be under me. [Barney looks at camera and gives a double thumbs-up]

Ted: Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have, I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen. I'm waiting for it to happen and I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.

Stella: You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?

Ted: Really?

Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.'

Ted: For real?

Stella: No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.

The Leap [4.24]

Barney: So what do you think of Robin?

Ted: I really need to work.

Barney: Say you and I went suit shopping, and you happened upon a suit. A beautiful Canadian suit. Double-breasted. Mmmmmm. You try it on, and it's not exactly the right fit for you, so you put it back. I try it on, and I don't really wanna take the same suit you had your eye on, but at the same time, I really like that suit.

Ted: Buy the suit, Barney. You clearly care about it. Tell the suit how you feel. [pats him on the shoulder]

Barney: Okay! But Ted, remember that that was your answer, because... [long pause] the suit is Robin. I know! [head exploding pantomime] Right?

Ted: I'm with you, Barney.

Barney: I know you are. Because I explained it to you. [embraces him]

[last words of the season]

Future Ted: That was the year I got left at the altar, it was the year I got knocked out by a crazed bartender, the year I got fired, the year I got beat up by a goat, a girl goat at that, and damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life. Because if any one of those things hadn't happened, I never would've ended up in what turned out to be the best job I ever had. But more importantly, I wouldn't have met your mother. Because as you know, she was in that class. Of course, that story is just beginning.

Definitions [5.01]

[Barney and Marshall arguing about 'The Talk' between Barney and Robin]

Marshall: Would you just have 'The Talk'... okay, it's a five-minute conversation and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted!

Ted: I don't think 'The Talk' is necessary....

Marshall: [in a high-pitched voice] Whaaaaaaat?!

Barney: Thank you, Ted...

Ted: ...because Robin is already his girlfriend!

Barney: [imitating Marshall] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?

[Ted's just found out from a college professor that he is in the wrong class]

Student: T-Dog, you're in the wrong room, bro. [students laugh]

Double Date [5.02]

[During Marshall's fantasy with Lily dying of a hiccup disorder]

Lily: It’s time, baby.

Marshall: [crying] I will never love again!

Lily: No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and...plow her like a cornfield. [hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]

[at Lily's funeral]

Pastor: ...and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield. [Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]

[An appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]

Busty Delivery Girl: Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.

Marshall: [looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil. [to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt] Where do I sign? [necks her]

[During Ted's blind date with Jen, they talk about menu choices]

Jen: So, any thoughts on food?

Ted: Yeah. You want to share the oysters?

Jen: I'd love to share the oysters.

Ted: Good, 'cause if you wouldn't that would be...mighty shellfish.

Jen: [shallow-faced] Wow, that's bad.

Ted: That's why it's funny. [long pause; Ted and Jen recognize each other]

Ted and Jen: We've been on this date before.

Robin 101 [5.03]

[Ted's briefing Barney about Robin's facial expressions, especially one particular slide]

Ted: But the most important expression of all...[presses button on laptop; slide shows a very angry Robin]

Barney: [awed at picture] Whoa... [goes toward Ted]

Ted: [describes picture] Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes...if you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run...and don't take a picture of it she will punch you...and you will cry...for the third time...that night.

[Robin goes to Maclaren's after crashing the Robin 101 class. Ted comforts her]

Ted: Look, all that stuff I told Barney, it was personal knowledge between you and me, and I'm sorry.

Robin: Guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.

Ted: It's funny...when you date someone, you're taking one long course on who that person is, and when you break up, all of that stuff is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just like the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know?

Robin: Since you know me pretty well, am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?

Ted: I don't know. I will say this though: I've seen Barney work hard to get women, and I've seen him work hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was gonna give him an A...well, B plus - Shin-Ya kinda screwed up a curve.

The Sexless Innkeeper [5.04]

[Barney explains the story of the Sexless Innkeeper]

Barney: 'Twas the night before New Year's and the weather grew mean. 'Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in.

Ted: [cuts in] Wait, if this was last year, why are you acting like was Oliver Twist?

Barney: Ted, it's a poem. [resumes story] Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings... and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 'Neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper [back to Ted] And so are you.

Ted: Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?

Barney: Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging.

Ted: No way, I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.

Barney: Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.

Robin: Which is funny, because usually, it's the innkeeper who offers turndown services. Oh! [highfives Barney]

[Ted tries to convince Barney and Robin to apologize to Marshall and Lily for turning down their Couples Nights]

Ted: Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.

Barney: Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?

Ted: Seriously, they're your friends, you got to apologize.

Barney: To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheapy thing where you change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?

Ted: Robin, you know I'm right. If a problem doesn't go away, usually just makes it bigger.

Robin: You're right...

Ted: Thank you.

Robin: ...all that sexlessness has made you wise.

Ted: For God's sakes...[rushes out of the bar]

Barney: [calls out to Ted] Mint on the pillow, Ted, and don't charge for WiFi, it seems greedy.

Duel Citizenship [5.05]

[Ted's prepared to embark on the road trip to Gazola's with Marshall]

Ted: All right, I'm ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes, I got a ridie of jerky, and I've got [puts bag on chair] six cans of Tantrum. Well, four - the one burned through the can and the other I drank already. RAAAH [rips throw pillow apart and tosses it away]...TANTRUM!

[Robin laments the loss of her Canadian identity while in Toronto]

Robin: When I went to the States, I swore to myself I won't change. Yet here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe - Tim Hortons, just around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame...and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country.

Barney: Ok, that's it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.