We Know Our Onions
Encyclopedia
We know our Onions is the fourth episode of the sixth series of the British
comedy series Dad's Army
that was originally transmitted on the 21 November 1973.
, which they have to take on a Home Guard proficiency test for a weekend. Wilson is told off by Mainwaring when he complains 'do we have to drag that gun about, what an awful fag'. Godfrey and his sisters have made an inappropriate cover for the gun out of a flowery old sofa cover.
They are going to the test in Jones's
van, but Walker
has been using it to fulfil a Black Market order for Hodges, the greengrocer
, and it is half full of onions. These cause the platoon (especially Pike) some discomfort on the journey, and Hodges is so incensed about the non-delivery of the onions that he follows them.
Prior to the test, Wilson shares some information from a previous participant, that the test officer fires lots of questions at you, then leaves the room, then someone comes in in disguise and plants a bomb. Jones shows them his rumal
, a thuggee
scarf used to throttle a victim from behind.
Once on the test, which is run by a fierce officer called Captain Ramsay (played by Fulton Mackay
), the platoon are informed that their target for the weekend should be to become a twelve star platoon, and stars will be awarded for their success through the weekend.
He asks them lots of questions, sneers at Pike for crying (it is the onions). He attempts a role play where he is a Gestapo officer and Wilson is a captured agent, but Wilson is so languid and diffident that he doesn't do very well. When pretending to be a Gestapo officer with Jones, Jones attempts to throttle him from behind with his scarf and makes a complete fool of himself.
Mainwaring is asked by Ramsay which of his platoon he would throw out of a sinking balloon, and he says Godfrey, but Wilson ruins this exercise by saying that they could wait until it gently hits the ground and Godfrey could step out.
Ramsay gives up, goes out and sends in the tea lady. The platoon attack her, knocking over her trolley and attempting to pull off her wig. Told to get rid of the urn, Pike throws it through the (closed) window, where it hits Hodges and the Verger, and empties all over the Verger. Hodges and the Verger constantly pester the platoon during the day to try to get Hodges's onions from Jones's van.
The next exercise is to get one man over a tall electric fence in half an hour just by using the equipment provided, wood, oildrums etc. Jones inevitably volunteers to be the man over the fence, and tries to get Walker to catapult him over the fence, but in doing so they break the only decent long length of wood, thus dooming all attempts to failure. After half an hour the platoon still have not done it, so they plead for more time. They try until midnight, with no success. Ramsay is not impressed the next morning, but awards them half a star for persistence.
The next exercise is using the Smith Gun
(an artillery
piece unique to the Home Guard
) to repel an assault by some regular troops. To obtain ammunition for the gun, the platoon have to get over the same sort of fence that defeated them day before. Meanwhile Hodges and the Verger have finally got the key to Jones's van from Walker, and they rush off to transfer the onions to Hodges's van. Suddenly the platoon realise that the onions could be fired by the Smith Gun. They rush to Hodges's van, and Mainwaring
demands some onions "in the name of the King". They rush back to the Smith Gun, load and fire the onions at the advancing troops, who retreat in confusion. The platoon are jubilant. Ramsay returns, and congratulates Mainwaring, "I take my hat off to you" , saying he has never seen such initiative displayed by a Home Guard unit, and awards Mainwaring's platoon twelve stars outright. Then they all rush to retrieve the fallen onions.
.
This episode was almost entirely shot on location using 16mm film due to a studio technicians' strike.
United Kingdom
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern IrelandIn the United Kingdom and Dependencies, other languages have been officially recognised as legitimate autochthonous languages under the European Charter for Regional or Minority Languages...
comedy series Dad's Army
Dad's Army
Dad's Army is a British sitcom about the Home Guard during the Second World War. It was written by Jimmy Perry and David Croft and broadcast on BBC television between 1968 and 1977. The series ran for 9 series and 80 episodes in total, plus a radio series, a feature film and a stage show...
that was originally transmitted on the 21 November 1973.
Synopsis
The platoon take part in a Home Guard efficiency test. If the men pass with flying colours, they will be graded a 12-star platoon. Travelling with their Smith Gun in the back of Jones' van, they notice a huge mass of onions - Walker's order for Hodges - and decide to use them as a novel form of ammunition.Plot
The platoon are examining their new Smith GunSmith Gun
The Smith Gun was an ad hoc anti-tank artillery piece used by the British Army and Home Guard during the Second World War. With a German invasion of Great Britain seeming likely after the defeat in the Battle of France, most available weaponry was diverted to the regular British Army, leaving the...
, which they have to take on a Home Guard proficiency test for a weekend. Wilson is told off by Mainwaring when he complains 'do we have to drag that gun about, what an awful fag'. Godfrey and his sisters have made an inappropriate cover for the gun out of a flowery old sofa cover.
They are going to the test in Jones's
Lance-Corporal Jack Jones
Lance Corporal Jack Jones is a fictional Home Guard platoon lance-corporal, veteran of the British Empire and butcher portrayed by Clive Dunn in the BBC television sitcom Dad's Army...
van, but Walker
Private Joe Walker
Private Joe Walker is a fictional black market spiv and Home Guard platoon member portrayed by actor James Beck on the BBC television sitcom Dad's Army. James Beck died suddenly in 1973, and is featured in just under three-quarters of the episodes...
has been using it to fulfil a Black Market order for Hodges, the greengrocer
Greengrocer
A greengrocer or fruiterer is a retail trader in fruit and vegetables; that is, in green groceries. Greengrocer is primarily a British and Australian term, and greengrocers' shops were once common in suburbs, towns and villages...
, and it is half full of onions. These cause the platoon (especially Pike) some discomfort on the journey, and Hodges is so incensed about the non-delivery of the onions that he follows them.
Prior to the test, Wilson shares some information from a previous participant, that the test officer fires lots of questions at you, then leaves the room, then someone comes in in disguise and plants a bomb. Jones shows them his rumal
Rumal
A Rumāl is a piece of clothing similar to a handkerchief or bandana. It is worn by Sikh men who cut their hair and other male guests when they are in a Gurdwara...
, a thuggee
Thuggee
Thuggee is the term for a particular kind of murder and robbery of travellers in South Asia and particularly in India.They are sometimes called Phansigar i.e...
scarf used to throttle a victim from behind.
Once on the test, which is run by a fierce officer called Captain Ramsay (played by Fulton Mackay
Fulton Mackay
Fulton Mackay OBE was a Scottish actor and playwright, best known for his role as prison officer Mr. Mackay in the 1970s sitcom Porridge.-Early life:...
), the platoon are informed that their target for the weekend should be to become a twelve star platoon, and stars will be awarded for their success through the weekend.
He asks them lots of questions, sneers at Pike for crying (it is the onions). He attempts a role play where he is a Gestapo officer and Wilson is a captured agent, but Wilson is so languid and diffident that he doesn't do very well. When pretending to be a Gestapo officer with Jones, Jones attempts to throttle him from behind with his scarf and makes a complete fool of himself.
Mainwaring is asked by Ramsay which of his platoon he would throw out of a sinking balloon, and he says Godfrey, but Wilson ruins this exercise by saying that they could wait until it gently hits the ground and Godfrey could step out.
Ramsay gives up, goes out and sends in the tea lady. The platoon attack her, knocking over her trolley and attempting to pull off her wig. Told to get rid of the urn, Pike throws it through the (closed) window, where it hits Hodges and the Verger, and empties all over the Verger. Hodges and the Verger constantly pester the platoon during the day to try to get Hodges's onions from Jones's van.
The next exercise is to get one man over a tall electric fence in half an hour just by using the equipment provided, wood, oildrums etc. Jones inevitably volunteers to be the man over the fence, and tries to get Walker to catapult him over the fence, but in doing so they break the only decent long length of wood, thus dooming all attempts to failure. After half an hour the platoon still have not done it, so they plead for more time. They try until midnight, with no success. Ramsay is not impressed the next morning, but awards them half a star for persistence.
The next exercise is using the Smith Gun
Smith Gun
The Smith Gun was an ad hoc anti-tank artillery piece used by the British Army and Home Guard during the Second World War. With a German invasion of Great Britain seeming likely after the defeat in the Battle of France, most available weaponry was diverted to the regular British Army, leaving the...
(an artillery
Artillery
Originally applied to any group of infantry primarily armed with projectile weapons, artillery has over time become limited in meaning to refer only to those engines of war that operate by projection of munitions far beyond the range of effect of personal weapons...
piece unique to the Home Guard
British Home Guard
The Home Guard was a defence organisation of the British Army during the Second World War...
) to repel an assault by some regular troops. To obtain ammunition for the gun, the platoon have to get over the same sort of fence that defeated them day before. Meanwhile Hodges and the Verger have finally got the key to Jones's van from Walker, and they rush off to transfer the onions to Hodges's van. Suddenly the platoon realise that the onions could be fired by the Smith Gun. They rush to Hodges's van, and Mainwaring
Captain George Mainwaring
Captain George Mainwaring is the bank manager and Home Guard platoon commander portrayed by Arthur Lowe on the BBC television sitcom Dad's Army, set in the fictional seaside town of Walmington-on-Sea during the Second World War...
demands some onions "in the name of the King". They rush back to the Smith Gun, load and fire the onions at the advancing troops, who retreat in confusion. The platoon are jubilant. Ramsay returns, and congratulates Mainwaring, "I take my hat off to you" , saying he has never seen such initiative displayed by a Home Guard unit, and awards Mainwaring's platoon twelve stars outright. Then they all rush to retrieve the fallen onions.
Cast
| Cast | Characters |
|---|---|
| Arthur Lowe Arthur Lowe Arthur Lowe was a BAFTA Award winning English actor. He was best known for playing Captain George Mainwaring in the popular British sitcom Dad's Army from 1968 until 1977.-Early life:... |
Captain Mainwaring |
| John Le Mesurier John Le Mesurier John Le Mesurier was a BAFTA Award-winning English actor. He is most famous for his role as Sergeant Arthur Wilson in the popular 1970s BBC comedy Dad's Army.-Career:... |
Sergeant Wilson |
| Clive Dunn Clive Dunn Clive Robert Benjamin Dunn OBE is a retired English actor, comedian and author, best known for his role as Lance-Corporal Jack Jones in the BBC sitcom Dad's Army.-Early life:... |
Lance Corporal Jones |
| John Laurie John Laurie John Paton Laurie was a British actor born in Dumfries, Scotland. Although he is now probably most recognised for his role as Private James Frazer in the sitcom Dad's Army , he appeared in hundreds of feature films, including films by Alfred Hitchcock, Michael Powell and Laurence Olivier... |
Private Frazer |
| James Beck James Beck Stanley James Carroll Beck was a British actor best remembered for his role as Private Joe Walker, the cockney spiv in the popular BBC sitcom Dad's Army. The cast was mainly composed of older actors, but Beck was one of the younger members.-Early life:Beck was born in Islington, North London and... |
Private Walker |
| Arnold Ridley Arnold Ridley Major William Arnold Ridley, OBE was an English playwright and actor, first notable as the author of the play The Ghost Train and later in life for portraying the elderly Private Charles Godfrey in the popular British sitcom Dad's Army .-Early life:Ridley was born in Walcot, Bath, England where... |
Private Godfrey |
| Ian Lavender Ian Lavender Arthur Ian Lavender , better known as Ian Lavender, is an English stage, film and television actor, best known for his role as Private Frank Pike in the BBC comedy series Dad's Army.-Early life and career:... |
Private Pike |
| Bill Pertwee Bill Pertwee William Desmond Anthony Pertwee MBE is a British comedy actor. He is best known for playing the part of antagonist ARP Warden Hodges in the popular sitcom Dad's Army.-Early and personal life:... |
ARP Warden Hodges |
| Edward Sinclair Edward Sinclair Edward "Teddy" Sinclair was a British actor most famous for his role as the verger Maurice Yeatman in Dad's Army. He also made appearances in Z Cars and Danger Man.Edward's father was the son of a stage actor who died when he was 14... |
The Verger |
| Fulton Mackay Fulton Mackay Fulton Mackay OBE was a Scottish actor and playwright, best known for his role as prison officer Mr. Mackay in the 1970s sitcom Porridge.-Early life:... |
Captain Ramsay |
Cultural references
The centre of this plot is based around the scarcity of onions in 1942. This fictional story echoes a real incident in which an enthusiastic Home Guard unit involved in an exercise repelled the enemy by discharging small green apples from a Northover ProjectorNorthover projector
The Projector, 2.5 inch—more commonly known as the Northover Projector—was an ad hoc anti-tank weapon used by the British Army and Home Guard during the Second World War...
.
This episode was almost entirely shot on location using 16mm film due to a studio technicians' strike.