When I was a kid, even my imaginary friend played with the kid across the street. I'd be, like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer!"

Oh, the floor's lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing — you were poor. I'll tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo" "Oh, the floor's lava!" "Oh, my God! Whats wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street. Maybe not.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

Butt sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea.