Lighthouse Keeping Loonies
Encyclopedia
Lighthouse Keeping Loonies is an episode of the British
comedy
television series The Goodies
— a BAFTA
-nominated series for Best Light Entertainment Programme.
This episode is also known as "The Lighthouse Men".
As always, the episode was written by members of The Goodies.
The lighthouse they are taken to is the sinister "Jollyrock Lighthouse", where lighthouse keepers have been disappearing. The Goodies enter the lighthouse via a zip-line
, with Bill coming last in a large pair of underpants
. Tim immediately proclaims himself 'Number 1', with Bill and Graeme as 'Number 2's'. Tim orders Graeme to light the lamp which, after some complaining, he does. Graeme tries to read a book by the lamp, creating shadows as he tries to follow it around.
Bill objects to everything in the lighthouse being round. Even the cards and chessboard are round. After Tim serves him a round lemon meringue pie
he chases him around the table, eventually splattering him with it. Graeme comes back down with his clothes in tatters, having been ravaged by moths
. Bill then finds a book of sea shanties, in which they discover a song about the Jollyrock, which they commence to sing, in the hopes that it will lift their spirits, Unfortunately it has the opposite effect, as the song graphically tells of the terrors of the Jollyrock. Then Tim comes down with mumps
and is forcibly quarantined in the lamp room.
There is a very heavy fog and several famous ships are coming near the lighthouse, such as the QE2
and the Britannia
. As the Britannia passes, a white glove (presumably the Queen
's) waves through the window and another hand (presumably Duke of Edinburgh
's) makes a rude gesture
at Tim. Graeme gets out the foghorn
, but when he tries to stop it by unplugging it and smashing it, it continues to work. Tim finds the offending part, but when Graeme swallows it, he becomes the foghorn. He leans out of the window to warn the ships, but the foghorn stops and all he can do is quack. After he has a drink, this too stops.
Graeme sends Bill to dig under the lighthouse to find more fuel for the lamp.He then finds coal, but they can't light it since they have no matches and the lighter has no petrol. Eventually, Bill then finds oil, but Tim gets squirted with it.Once the lighter is full with oil, he goes to have a bath, whilst Graeme and Bill celebrate their find. Bill goes down to check the pressure, but he can't see, so he asks Graeme to drop the lighter though the opening to light his candle. They both suddenly realise, too late, that having lit a candle is very dangerous amongst the oil that Bill has found. All of a sudden there is a terrific roar and the lighthouse takes off at enormous speed.
A news broadcast is shown about the missing lighthouse, with Photofit
pictures of the Queen and Prince Philip
. Other items on the news broadcast included the following:
After a while, the lighthouse slows down enough to go into orbit around the Earth — but, where will the lighthouse eventually land?
United Kingdom
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern IrelandIn the United Kingdom and Dependencies, other languages have been officially recognised as legitimate autochthonous languages under the European Charter for Regional or Minority Languages...
comedy
Comedy
Comedy , as a popular meaning, is any humorous discourse or work generally intended to amuse by creating laughter, especially in television, film, and stand-up comedy. This must be carefully distinguished from its academic definition, namely the comic theatre, whose Western origins are found in...
television series The Goodies
The Goodies (TV series)
The Goodies is a British television comedy series of the 1970s and early 1980s. The series, which combines surreal sketches and situation comedy, was broadcast by BBC 2 from 1970 until 1980 — and was then broadcast by the ITV company LWT for a year, between 1981 to 1982.The show was...
— a BAFTA
British Academy of Film and Television Arts
The British Academy of Film and Television Arts is a charity in the United Kingdom that hosts annual awards shows for excellence in film, television, television craft, video games and forms of animation.-Introduction:...
-nominated series for Best Light Entertainment Programme.
This episode is also known as "The Lighthouse Men".
As always, the episode was written by members of The Goodies.
Plot
The Goodies are taken to a lighthouse for 5 years since Graeme signed them up for it, although Graeme then confesses that he thought the advert said "A little light housekeeping".The lighthouse they are taken to is the sinister "Jollyrock Lighthouse", where lighthouse keepers have been disappearing. The Goodies enter the lighthouse via a zip-line
Zip-line
A zip-line consists of a pulley suspended on a cable mounted on an incline...
, with Bill coming last in a large pair of underpants
Underpants
-Boxer shorts:Boxer shorts, or simply boxers, have an elasticated waistband that is at or near the wearer's waist, while the leg sections are fairly loose and extend to the mid-thigh. There is usually a fly, either with or without buttons...
. Tim immediately proclaims himself 'Number 1', with Bill and Graeme as 'Number 2's'. Tim orders Graeme to light the lamp which, after some complaining, he does. Graeme tries to read a book by the lamp, creating shadows as he tries to follow it around.
Bill objects to everything in the lighthouse being round. Even the cards and chessboard are round. After Tim serves him a round lemon meringue pie
Lemon meringue pie
Lemon meringue pie is a type of baked pie, usually served for dessert, made with a crust usually made of shortcrust or shortbread pastry, lemon curd filling and a fluffy meringue topping. Lemon meringue pie is typically prepared with a bottom pie crust, but with no upper crust: i.e. the meringue is...
he chases him around the table, eventually splattering him with it. Graeme comes back down with his clothes in tatters, having been ravaged by moths
Moths
Moths may refer to:* Gustav Moths , German rower* The Moths!, an English indie rock band* MOTHS, members of the Memorable Order of Tin Hats...
. Bill then finds a book of sea shanties, in which they discover a song about the Jollyrock, which they commence to sing, in the hopes that it will lift their spirits, Unfortunately it has the opposite effect, as the song graphically tells of the terrors of the Jollyrock. Then Tim comes down with mumps
Mumps
Mumps is a viral disease of the human species, caused by the mumps virus. Before the development of vaccination and the introduction of a vaccine, it was a common childhood disease worldwide...
and is forcibly quarantined in the lamp room.
There is a very heavy fog and several famous ships are coming near the lighthouse, such as the QE2
RMS Queen Elizabeth 2
Queen Elizabeth 2, often referred to simply as the QE2, is an ocean liner that was operated by Cunard from 1969 to 2008. Following her retirement from cruising, she is now owned by Istithmar...
and the Britannia
HMY Britannia
Her Majesty's Yacht Britannia is the former Royal Yacht of the British monarch, Queen Elizabeth II. She was the 83rd such vessel since the restoration of King Charles II in 1660. She is the second Royal yacht to bear the name, the first being the famous racing cutter built for The Prince of Wales...
. As the Britannia passes, a white glove (presumably the Queen
Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom
Elizabeth II is the constitutional monarch of 16 sovereign states known as the Commonwealth realms: the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica, Barbados, the Bahamas, Grenada, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Belize,...
's) waves through the window and another hand (presumably Duke of Edinburgh
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh is the husband of Elizabeth II. He is the United Kingdom's longest-serving consort and the oldest serving spouse of a reigning British monarch....
's) makes a rude gesture
V sign
The V sign is a hand gesture in which the index and middle fingers are raised and parted, while the other fingers are clenched. It has various meanings, depending on the cultural context and how it is presented...
at Tim. Graeme gets out the foghorn
Foghorn
A foghorn or fog signal or fog bell is a device that uses sound to warn vehicles of hazards or boats of the presence of other vehicles in foggy conditions. The term is most often used in relation to marine transport...
, but when he tries to stop it by unplugging it and smashing it, it continues to work. Tim finds the offending part, but when Graeme swallows it, he becomes the foghorn. He leans out of the window to warn the ships, but the foghorn stops and all he can do is quack. After he has a drink, this too stops.
Graeme sends Bill to dig under the lighthouse to find more fuel for the lamp.He then finds coal, but they can't light it since they have no matches and the lighter has no petrol. Eventually, Bill then finds oil, but Tim gets squirted with it.Once the lighter is full with oil, he goes to have a bath, whilst Graeme and Bill celebrate their find. Bill goes down to check the pressure, but he can't see, so he asks Graeme to drop the lighter though the opening to light his candle. They both suddenly realise, too late, that having lit a candle is very dangerous amongst the oil that Bill has found. All of a sudden there is a terrific roar and the lighthouse takes off at enormous speed.
A news broadcast is shown about the missing lighthouse, with Photofit
Photofit
Photofit is a technique used by the police for building up an accurate image of someone to fit a witness' description. Photographs, rather than drawings, of individual features are used to construct an image of a suspect....
pictures of the Queen and Prince Philip
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh is the husband of Elizabeth II. He is the United Kingdom's longest-serving consort and the oldest serving spouse of a reigning British monarch....
. Other items on the news broadcast included the following:
- a UFO 'sighting' of the lighthouse, where an inhabitant of the craft (Tim in the bath) is described as 'holding a rubber duck and wearing a hat of frilly pink plastic'. The chairman of the They've Already Landed society claims that this is the standard uniform of the VenusVenusVenus is the second planet from the Sun, orbiting it every 224.7 Earth days. The planet is named after Venus, the Roman goddess of love and beauty. After the Moon, it is the brightest natural object in the night sky, reaching an apparent magnitude of −4.6, bright enough to cast shadows...
ian space fleet. - Religious groups are regarding this sighting as a second comingSecond ComingIn Christian doctrine, the Second Coming of Christ, the Second Advent, or the Parousia, is the anticipated return of Jesus Christ from Heaven, where he sits at the Right Hand of God, to Earth. This prophecy is found in the canonical gospels and in most Christian and Islamic eschatologies...
. - Lastly, a new comet has been discovered, to the great excitement of astronomer Patrick MoorePatrick MooreSir Patrick Alfred Caldwell-Moore, CBE, FRS, FRAS is a British amateur astronomer who has attained prominent status in astronomy as a writer, researcher, radio commentator and television presenter of the subject, and who is credited as having done more than any other person to raise the profile of...
.
After a while, the lighthouse slows down enough to go into orbit around the Earth — but, where will the lighthouse eventually land?
The song of the Jollyrock lighthouse
- Written by Bill Oddie
-
-
- Tim (speaking): "Oh look, here's one about our lighthouse!"
-
-
-
- Tim, Graeme and Bill (singing):
-
- "Oh the winds they do blow, and the seas they do roar
- When you're stuck on a lighthouse, ten miles from the shore.
- But you've heard of the Jollyrock, of that I am sure.
- Go there and your loved ones, will see you no more."
-
-
-
- Tim, Graeme and Bill (losing heart):
-
- "Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do.
- I wouldn't go near it if I was you."
-
-
-
- Graeme (singing):
-
- "So away from the Jollyrock I advise you to race."
-
-
-
- Tim (singing):
-
- '"It's utterly appalling and not at all nace."
-
-
-
- Bill (singing):
-
- "For nasty things happen there, it's such a disgrace."
-
-
-
- Tim, Graeme and Bill (singing)
-
- "Cause people get killed there all over the place!"
-
-
-
- Tim, Graeme and Bill (singing full cheer):
-
- "Oh, don't go to the Jollyrock, whatever you do.
- I wouldn't go near it, if I was you."
-
-
-
- Tim (speaking): "Oh, the next verse is censored because it's too horrible even to talk about!"
-
-
-
- Bill (losing heart):
-
- "Well blood will run cold , and your heart fill with dread."
-
-
-
- Graeme (losing heart):
-
- "For the Jollyrock is plagued with the souls of the dead!"
-
-
-
- Bill (singing):
-
- "If you stay there one night, you'll go clean off your head.
-
-
-
- Graeme and Bill (singing)
-
- And no time at all, you will probably catch mumps."
-
-
-
- Tim (speaking, with mumps): "That doesn't even rhyme!"
-
Music
- The music which is used for the carousel in the musical, and film, CarouselCarousel (musical)Carousel is the second stage musical by the team of Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II . The work premiered in 1945 and was adapted from Ferenc Molnár's 1909 play Liliom, transplanting its Budapest setting to the Maine coastline...
"