"You know how when a dog is crippled you put his back legs in a wheelchair? I think Willie the Jackass really puts a smile on kids' faces. I drag the ass-end of the costume around the park cause I ain't got nobody to fill that spot. The back legs are crippled." (from "Willie the Jackass")

"What's so silly about the pizza?" (from "Silly Food")

"Me, I don't give a fuck. You know, a hole's a hole. As long as there's a little heat in there I don't give a fuck." (from "Testing for Jeopardy")

"You sound like you got a nice pair of them fuckin' balogna tits on ya, huh Willy?" (from "Testing for Jeopardy")

"How many pits are in a pear?" "Aah, two." "You know damn well there's much more than 2 pits in a pear." (from "Testing for Jeopardy")

"If you can't whip out answers like that, that man (Alex Trebeck) is liable to, during a commercial break, punch your fuckin' mouth loose!" (from "Testing for Jeopardy")

"How do ya say there, bottlenose?" (from "Hucklebuck")

"Whatever you need sold I'll sell it. Bring in a tank and I'll sell the fuckin thing." (from "Car Salesman")

"How the hell am I gonna see the company name when I'm busy rolling underneath the fucking truck? I can give you serial numbers, that's the best I can do for you, for christ sakes, the goddamn gear box crushing me in the ground, and you're asking me for the fuckin-the name of the business? What do I look like, a... a tomcat? a nightcrawler?" (from "1-800-How's My Driving")