Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion – they're two words which are both … different. In spelling.

Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a … she's just a … she's dead, isn't she?

She said, "Spell 'ant'", and I wrote out the entire alphabet. She said, "That doesn't spell 'ant'", and I said, "It's in there somewhere! There's the 'A', there's the 'N', there's the 'T' – the rest are silent!"

And we're going "Oh, Captain Clever! Whoahoho! Rattle it and if it doesn't go off, it can't be a bomb!"

Then they'd beam down to an oval of gravel with 6 big rocks in the back … every week. "Oh Captain, strong déjà-vu here."

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.

You have no control over your cat! You can’t say to your cat, “Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!” ‘Cause the cat’s just gonna be sitting there going, “Interesting words… Have you finished?” While you’re shouting all this to your cat, your dog’s next to you, going… [mimes obeying all commands] “What the hell are you doing? I’m talking to the cat!” “Oh, I’m sorry!”

And cats leap up walls! Six foot walls, they just go… "Fwang" [mimes cat jumping] Lands perfectly, and turn… turn… and back flip and forward flip, and dismount! They always land perfectly, they never do that sort of wobbly-gymnast … [mimes wobbling] You never see cats on a wall having a problem, do you? You never see a cat going, [mimes tentative walk] “Fucking ‘ell..! I’m not sure about this…” and a cat on the ground, going, “Easy, Ginger! I'll walk you down!”

"My name is Mrs. Smith, I’ve made apples out of bread and dripping, a bit of green paint, and corrugated iron.""No, these are horrible apples, Mrs. Smith. Go away, Mrs. Smith! Go away until your daughter has a baby.""Shag, daughter, shag! It’s a marketing idea, shag for babies! (mimes running back) My daughter’s had a baby, I’m Granny Smith now!""Come in, Granny Smith! You wonderful idea, you! Come in with your shiny apples."