Dane Cook
Dane Jeffrey Cook is an America
United States
The United States of America is a federal constitutional republic comprising fifty states and a federal district...

n stand-up comedian and film actor. He has released five comedy albums: Harmful If Swallowed
Harmful If Swallowed
Harmful If Swallowed is the first CD/DVD set from American comedian Dane Cook. It was released on July 22, 2003.The attached DVD contains Dane's appearances on Comedy Central Presents , Comics Come Home 5, and Premium Blend.As of April 16, 2008, the album has sold 1,215,409 copies in the US...

; Retaliation; Vicious Circle
Dane Cook: Vicious Circle
Dane Cook: Vicious Circle was a live stand-up comedy special performed for HBO written and produced by Dane Cook. It was aired on September 4, 2006...

; Rough Around The Edges: Live From Madison Square Garden
Rough Around the Edges: Live from Madison Square Garden
Rough Around the Edges: Live From Madison Square Garden is an album by American stand-up comedian and actor Dane Cook. It was released on November 13, 2007, on both CD and DVD....

; and Isolated Incident
Isolated Incident
Dane Cook: ISolated INcident is a Comedy Central special which premiered on May 17, 2009, with the CD/DVD release following on May 19. In the special, Cook performs for a crowd of 400 people at the Laugh Factory. The entire special was shot in one take with no edits...

. In 2006, Retaliation became the highest charting comedy album in 28 years and went platinum
Music recording sales certification
Music recording sales certification is a system of certifying that a music recording has shipped or sold a certain number of copies, where the threshold quantity varies by type and by nation or territory .Almost all countries follow variations of the RIAA certification categories,...

. He performed an HBO special in the Fall of 2006, Vicious Circle, a straight-to-DVD special titled Rough Around The Edges (which is included in the album of the same name), and a Comedy Central special in 2009 titled Isolated Incident.

He is credited as one of the first comedians to use a personal webpage and MySpace
Myspace is a social networking service owned by Specific Media LLC and pop star Justin Timberlake. Myspace launched in August 2003 and is headquartered in Beverly Hills, California. In August 2011, Myspace had 33.1 million unique U.S. visitors....

 to build a large fan base and in 2006 was described as "alarmingly popular".

Just go to an airport, stand in front of a person who is waiting for their flight, and stare at them until they notice you are there. When they look at you, just say "Don't get on the flight" and walk away. You know they're sitting there going "I don’t think I should get on this fucking flight.. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight.. Thank you angel wearing jeans!"

Track 16, "Pranks"

I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny.

Track 20, "Nightmare"

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass smack I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!! AAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! smack IM FROM THE FUTURE!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!!!

You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home."

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

By the way, I say God bless you when someone sneezes.. I never say bless you. Do you want to know why? Because I'm not the Lord! I can't do that . . . I'm just a messenger for the big guns up stairs. And I never say gesundheit, who even says that? GESUNDHEIT! I felt like I'm honoring Hitler or something, Like I'll end up on the History Channel because someone sneezed.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."