Just go to an airport, stand in front of a person who is waiting for their flight, and stare at them until they notice you are there. When they look at you, just say "Don't get on the flight" and walk away. You know they're sitting there going "I don’t think I should get on this fucking flight.. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight.. Thank you angel wearing jeans!"

I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny.

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass smack I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!! AAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! smack IM FROM THE FUTURE!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!!!

You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home."

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

By the way, I say God bless you when someone sneezes.. I never say bless you. Do you want to know why? Because I'm not the Lord! I can't do that . . . I'm just a messenger for the big guns up stairs. And I never say gesundheit, who even says that? GESUNDHEIT! I felt like I'm honoring Hitler or something, Like I'll end up on the History Channel because someone sneezed.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."