The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.

I loved when George H.W. Bush|Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

All governments are lying cocksuckers.

Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it's all about, perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once?"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."

Then comes the kicker: Say the alphabet – backwards. "Well, shoot, you got me. I'm not drunk, but I'm obviously too stupid to be driving, God damn it."

Anybody can be a bum; all it takes is the right girl, the right bar and the right friends, and you are well … your buddies will see you off. They'll christen your dumpster for you.