[about "TV golfers" who try to help other people out] : He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Wikipedia:Wayne Gretzky|Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."

[about an incident in a coffee shop] : I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.

[during a bit about dogs] : That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating.