The Tucker Max Stories

• Redheadedcalin doll: Doll comes with an innocent smile. Pull her string and doesn't speak, she just opens her legs.

• You see, I have fucked an amputee and a set of twins. If you add in a midget, you are looking at a legendary trifecta. How many other people can say they have done that? Seriously, raise your hand if you even know someone who has done that. Yeah, some of you have fucked midgets. Some of you have fucked amputees. Some have even fucked a set of twins. But how many can honestly say you have done all three categories? I'm not going to say that I'm the only guy on earth who has done this, but I would bet you could fit all of us into a Prius.

• I gave her an unmistakable "I want to fuck you" look, she shot me back a quick "My spine hurts" face, and I was smitten.

• EEK EEK EEK!! That's dolphin for 'I'm sorry.' But you already knew that..

• Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours?
  
  • Tucker "You guys going to Milwaukee?"
  
  Guy "Yes sir, heading home after a vacation."
  Tucker "Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee?"
  The man and his wife are silent and confused.
  Tucker "HUNDREDS OF THEM!"
  
  • Nose full of fart, mouth full of cock, she never even paused.
    
    • I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.
      
      • You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.
        
        • What are you looking for, McSeaBass? Its been the same menu for 40 years. Its all McShit. Just fucking order!
          
          • 9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.'
            
            • KJ :Jesus Christ, you are amazing. Where did you learn to fuck like that? TM: Home schooling.
              
              • ...and that we were now those guys...who started a fight at a Harry Potter book party.
                
                • Great Holy Jesus--it looks like he fell into Kentucky Fried Movie.
                  
                  • I was very thirsty. Laying in the bathtub, looking up at the faucet, I thought of a great idea. So I turned the nozzle on full blast, and put my mouth up to it. It was like drinking from a firehose, but I was too drunk and dehydrated to notice that I was getting completely soaked, or that water was shooting out of my nose.
                    
                    • I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom.
                    
                    
                    • Tucker "Do you hate the World Bank?"
                    
                    Girl "Uhh, umm, well, I mean, yeah, I feel that..."
                    Tucker "You don't hate the World Bank."
                    Girl "I don't?"
                    Tucker "No. You're mad at your father. You just want daddy to hug you more."
                    Girl "What?"
                    Tucker "You were a sociology major weren't you?"
                    Girl "NO!"
                    Tucker "What was your major?"
                    Girl [Pauses] "Uhhh, English Literature."
                    Tucker [Pause--to give her a look of contempt] "Did your parents send you a bill for college? How are those Marxist Literary Critique classes working out for you? You work at Barnes and Noble don't you?"
                    Girl "NO--I wor--"
                    Tucker "Shouldn't you be blocking an intersection right now? How many anti-sweatshop petitions have you signed--EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE REEBOKS ON. Very-anti globalization to wear those with your animal tested Clinque make-up made in Nepal. Well, at least you're consistent in your shameless hypocrisy."
                    Girl "What a fascist piece of shi--"
                    Tucker "You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak."
                    Girl [A mishmash of stammered half insults]
                    Tucker "Seriously--If I stuck my dick in your mouth would that shut you up?"
                    Girl "Wha...YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!"
                    Tucker "HEY--Don't blame me for the wound in your crotch." [As I walk off] "By the way, you owe us a rib."
                    
                    • I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.
                    
                    
                    • We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.
                    
                    
                    • Hi. I haven't insulted you yet, have I?
                    
                    
                    • Tucker "Are you married?"
                    
                    Girl "Yes."
                    Tucker "How good is the marriage?"
                    Girl "Very good."
                    Tucker "So there is no chance of us hooking up?"
                    Girl "No."
                    Tucker "Well, do you have any hot friends who aren't fucking prudes? Hey--where are you going? I was only kidding! I respect the sanctity of the monogamous relationship! WHORE!"
                    
                    • Tucker "WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?"
                    
                    Janitor "No, no se habla Ingles."
                    Tucker "WHAT?!? Huh, uh...DONDE ESTA FUCKING BANO?"
                    Janitor "AYA, AYA!"
                    
                    • Tucker "I understand how female porn stars are selected, but if you are guy, and you
                    
                    don't have a huge cock or shoot 8-ropers, how do you get into the porn industry?"
                    Mermaid "Networking, dude, networking."
                    Stripper "I don't know. I just fucked whoever they told me to. It paid good."
                    Tucker "Well isn't that pleasant? I bet your parents are beaming with pride."
                    
                    • TheCousin "Hey Tucker, you know she's French, don't you?"
                    
                    Tucker "Oh hell no--You're French?"
                    Girl "My parents are, but I was born here. I want to move to France after graduation."
                    Tucker "You fucking cheese-eating surrender monkey. I thought someone stunk around here. So if I start speaking German can I push you around and take all your stuff? Those hairy fucking stink-bags would be speaking Kraut right now if it wasn't for us, and they aren't the least bit appreciative. I hope they all fucking die, and your frog-sympathizing ass with them."
                    
                    • Yinzer "DAMN!! I wish I had your balls!"
                    
                    Tucker "I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for."
                    
                    • Every girl asked me, "What makes you god's gift to women?" Some answers:
                    
                    
                    "13 inches. Who ever thought it could be too big?"
                    "I have 20 million dollars and terminal cancer."
                    "I like to listen."
                    "I'm a convicted sex offender."
                    "Have you this face? Look at how hot I am!"
                    "I like to cut up hookers."
                    "Bend over and I'll show you."
                    
                    • The Academy should give Caitlin a fucking Oscar. She delivered her scripted lines perfectly, even improvising beautifully with the "uncle Tucker" bit. And I should get an award for choreography or something.
                    
                    
                    • A girl said this to me last night:
                    
                    
                    "You aren't at all what I expected. I thought you would be more suave and debonair."
                    
                    That statement by itself isn't all that funny, until you put it into context:
                    
                    She said it to me as we were laying in bed, having just fucked three times. That was two hours after I met her.
                    

                    Rudius Media Message Board

                    • You keep looking backwards, I'm going to move forward.
                      
                      • Your whole life, other people are going to try to crush your dreams, and the only thing you can do is fight them. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but the day you give up the fight is the day your soul dies.
                        
                        
                        • ...It'll be hard yes, but everything worth having is hard.
                          
                          • Your whole life, other people are going to try to crush your dreams, and the only thing you can do is fight them. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but the day you give up the fight is the day your soul dies.
                            
                            • Look not at where we are, but where we will be, and plan for that.
                            
                            
                            • Now contrast this to Tucker: his argument (I'm projecting somewhat to put in Schwartz's terms) is that the choices society offers you - Mazda 3 or Honda Civic - are synthetic choices intended to give you the illusion of control. The entire system is set up to stop you from ever asking if there's anything outside of the fishbowl, to keep you as a happy little drone until your brain implodes into a mid-life crisis - and even then it continues to offer fake diversions to let you think you're reliving your youth. Tucker's solution is to take responsibility for your own happiness, and realize that the box is an entirely artificial construct. Instead of being bewildered by the myriad of 'choices' available when you go to the mall to purchase your identity, you should create your own choices. If I know who I am and what I want, then all of a sudden it doesn't matter if I buy an iPod or a Zune.
                              
                              • The world is much bigger than what you experience. Reality is what it is, not what you want or think it to be. In order to understand these things, you need to step out of your experience and look at the data and evidence through the lens of others peoples experiences not just yours.
                                
                                • Silence is the worst thing you can do. When you are silent, people fill in the gaps with all sorts of crazy, tin foil hat bullshit...
                                  
                                  • No one sees all the specifics of the future in advance, damn sure not me. The best you can hope to do is have a solid understanding of where you want to get, an idea of the various paths and ways to get there, and then react to the events at they play out with the end game in mind instead of one at a time.
                                  
                                  
                                  And as to the other thing...I am starting to learn the wisdom in something someone said to me once:
                                  
                                  "The wise man is content to let the jackass bray."
                                  
                                  • How do you accomplish anything if you are afraid of failure? You don't.
                                    
                                    • You know what? Shockingly, it is possible to both smart and cool. It's possible to hard-working and productive, and also debaucherous and party. They are not mutually exclusive as a lifestyle.
                                      
                                      • It takes real guts to figure out who you are and live your life accordingly, without worrying about fulfilling the expectations of others. It takes genuine courage to live your life the way that makes you the happiest, because no matter how that is, someone--probably someone close to you--will tell you that it is wrong, and you should do something else. The pull of social mores is very strong. Resisting them to stand on your own is what takes courage, whether you are the monogamous male in a group of philanderers, or the player in a group of Mormons.
                                        
                                        • Win or lose, I will never give up the fight. The only way your life is one of quiet desperation is if you let it become that way. I for one, say No. I will never lead that life. I will always try, I will always put every piece of my being into my dream, I will always demand a destiny I think I deserve and then I will spend every moment and ounce of energy I have trying to reach it. I will never just settle. Settling is for losers. I would would rather give it my very best shot and fail, then never try.
                                          
                                          • If you haven't realized it by now, you will realize soon enough that a lot of people out there tiptoe through their lives, unsure of who they are or what they want, blindly following the dictates of society, never truly finding themselves or their calling, until they arrive quietly at their death.
                                          
                                          
                                          I refuse to tiptoe through life and arrive quietly at my death. I decided a long time ago that I would not be one of those guys. That no matter how much effort or pain or sacrifice it took, I refused to settle. I refused to not actively take part in my life, instead of just going with the flow and finding myself in a place where I looked up and thought "I am so unhappy with my life. How did I get here?"
                                          
                                          But here's the thing: It is very easy to get there without realizing how you got there. Maybe our culture does a poor job of making its youth understand that getting life right is very hard. It requires a lot of skills to be a success, more than anything, it demands that you be two things: determined to find a path to your personal success, and courageous enough to take it, despite the consequences. Think to yourself: How many people do you know that you can really describe that way? Not many.
                                          
                                          That's the bad news. The good news is that its a choice. Success truly is a choice. Every single day, with every single action and every single decision, you pick your own path. Do you read something that educates you instead of watching your tenth Seinfeld run-run? Thats a choice. Do you go to the gym like you want to, or do you just drink a Diet Coke and sit on the sofa? That's a choice. Do you go start writing like you've always said you wanted to, or do you just put it off for another day? That is a choice. Every day you make hundreds of thse choices, and when you are 40 and look up to find yourself in a shitty life that you don't like, you have no one to blame but yourself.
                                          
                                          • Have no expectations, and you lose nothing.
                                            
                                            • You know how many times in my life I have gotten something or achieved something because I tried where others begged off, because I threw my hat in the ring when others kept theirs on their head? You know how many hot girls I have gotten because I went up and talked to them, while everyone else was scared of them? Yes I have game, but my game is worthless sitting alone at a table. It takes balls to approach a hot girl or to put your life on the internet, and friends, I have two huge ones, and this is why I am a winner and will always be a winner.
                                              
                                              • See people for who they are, not who you want them to be.
                                                
                                                • Boozy: Come on now. Not all Canadian's suck dicks... Some of them just put it in their mouths and hold it there for awhile.
                                                  
                                                  • Duh, of course. But that doesn't even matter. Everything Tucker Max says is a lie anyway. I didn't believe his book would ever make any best seller list, and I didn't believe anyone in Hollywood wanted his script, and I didn't believe he got a movie financed, and I didn't believe it would ever get shot, and even though I've been wrong about everything I've ever predicted about him, this time I'll be right, and he'll be lying. In factI don't believe anything he has said ever really, because you know, I just don't believe it. I can't prove any of my beliefs, but I believe them, so they are true and valid!!
                                                  
                                                  
                                                  And Sillylittlefreak is an asshole and a greasy bum and doesn't have a job and is working for Tucker!
                                                  

                                                  Blog

                                                  • I try to make them understand it's not about getting pussy, it's about having fun. It's not about getting drunk, it's about being with your friends. It's not about dishing out put downs, it's about the thrill that comes with improving a witty line. It's not about being an asshole, it's about refusing to let others define your life. It's ultimately about being the person you want to be, and all the manic happiness that comes with that.