Scary Movie 3 Quotations

Scary Movie 3 is a 2003 spoof of movies such as The Ring, Signs, 8 Mile and The Matrix. Directed by David Zucker and written by Craig Mazin and Pat Proft.

Brenda Meeks

I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an old person behind the wheel of a car.
Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole.
(Tabitha comes out of the TV and empties her ears out on the floor) Cindy, this bitch is messin' up my floor!
(Water drips out of the television) Cindy...the TV's leaking...

George

Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm whack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back!

Cody

[telling future to a pregnant woman] It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
[pointing at a mans toupee] That's not fooling anyone.
Smoke all you want. You're going to get hit by a bus.
[standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom] You're getting lucky tonight.[to "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand] He doesn't know you're a guy.

The Architect

My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.
I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her Linda.
She Scared the horses,killed the puppies, hid the remote, some real Sick shit.

Miscellaneous

Simon Cowell: I thought they were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic. (gangstas pull out their guns and shoot him dead)

President Harris: These men died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

Tom: (holds Michael Jackson outside of a window) How do you like it?

Michael Jackson: Oh come on! She's a girl!

Dialogue

Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. [looks down at breasts]

Becca: Ahh! Oh, my God, turn it off!

Kate: It's not working!

Becca: It's backwards!

Kate: What do we do?

Becca: I don't know! Ahhhh!

[The two run to the TV and shut it off.]

Kate: That was kind of scary.

Becca: I know something even scarier.

Kate: Ooh, what?

Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?

Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-

Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-

Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!

Becca: You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! [hits Kate with pillow]

Kate: Oh, yes I was! [hits Becca with chair]

Becca: You ho! [smashes glass vase on Kate's head]

Kate: You know it! [whacks Becca with closed laptop]

CJ: Shit, my aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.

Mahalik: For what?

CJ: Mice.

Mahalik: I thought she had rats?

CJ: No, rate are outside, mice are inside.

Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?

CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.

Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!

CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!

[on the phone]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What? Willie Mays?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What?

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Kind of.

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Yes. Perfect.

Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.

Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?

Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.

Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?

Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.

Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?

Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?

Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.

Tabitha's Voice: Then no.

Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.

Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.

Mrs. Meeks: If only God had taken us instead of our daughter.

Cindy: And knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.

George: [at Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?

Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?

Cindy: Fine.

Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?

Cindy: Yeah.

Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?

Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.

Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.

[Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)

Cindy: No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!

Tabitha's Voice: Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?

Cindy: Fine. [Writes the message down] Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. [Holds the paper up, reading SEVEN DAYS] Aaaah!

Cindy: But what is connection between the crop circles and the video tape?

The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.

Cindy: Sedulant? I uh...

The Architect: Grotesquery? ...No? ...What about,(holds dictionary) contingent affirmation? ...That's gotta mean something...

Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...

[Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]

Ross Giggins: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?

Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.

Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.

[Ward types his text]

Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

[Everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it]

Ross Giggins: Oh, shizl gzngahr, % + 7, , 193419 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn
Scary Movie 3 is a 2003 spoof of movies such as The Ring, Signs, 8 Mile and The Matrix. Directed by David Zucker and written by Craig Mazin and Pat Proft.

Brenda Meeks

I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an old person behind the wheel of a car.
Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole.
(Tabitha comes out of the TV and empties her ears out on the floor) Cindy, this bitch is messin' up my floor!
(Water drips out of the television) Cindy...the TV's leaking...

George

Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm whack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back!

Cody

[telling future to a pregnant woman] It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
[pointing at a mans toupee] That's not fooling anyone.
Smoke all you want. You're going to get hit by a bus.
[standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom] You're getting lucky tonight.[to "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand] He doesn't know you're a guy.

The Architect

My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.
I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her Linda.
She Scared the horses,killed the puppies, hid the remote, some real Sick shit.

Miscellaneous

Simon Cowell: I thought they were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic. (gangstas pull out their guns and shoot him dead)

President Harris: These men died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

Tom: (holds Michael Jackson outside of a window) How do you like it?

Michael Jackson: Oh come on! She's a girl!

Dialogue

Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. [looks down at breasts]

Becca: Ahh! Oh, my God, turn it off!

Kate: It's not working!

Becca: It's backwards!

Kate: What do we do?

Becca: I don't know! Ahhhh!

[The two run to the TV and shut it off.]

Kate: That was kind of scary.

Becca: I know something even scarier.

Kate: Ooh, what?

Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?

Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-

Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-

Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!

Becca: You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! [hits Kate with pillow]

Kate: Oh, yes I was! [hits Becca with chair]

Becca: You ho! [smashes glass vase on Kate's head]

Kate: You know it! [whacks Becca with closed laptop]

CJ: Shit, my aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.

Mahalik: For what?

CJ: Mice.

Mahalik: I thought she had rats?

CJ: No, rate are outside, mice are inside.

Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?

CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.

Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!

CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!

[on the phone]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What? Willie Mays?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What?

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Kind of.

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Yes. Perfect.

Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.

Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?

Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.

Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?

Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.

Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?

Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?

Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.

Tabitha's Voice: Then no.

Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.

Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.

Mrs. Meeks: If only God had taken us instead of our daughter.

Cindy: And knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.

George: [at Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?

Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?

Cindy: Fine.

Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?

Cindy: Yeah.

Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?

Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.

Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.

[Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)

Cindy: No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!

Tabitha's Voice: Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?

Cindy: Fine. [Writes the message down] Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. [Holds the paper up, reading SEVEN DAYS] Aaaah!

Cindy: But what is connection between the crop circles and the video tape?

The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.

Cindy: Sedulant? I uh...

The Architect: Grotesquery? ...No? ...What about,(holds dictionary) contingent affirmation? ...That's gotta mean something...

Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...

[Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]

Ross Giggins: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?

Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.

Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.

[Ward types his text]

Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

[Everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it]

Brenda Meeks

I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an old person behind the wheel of a car.
Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole.
(Tabitha comes out of the TV and empties her ears out on the floor) Cindy, this bitch is messin' up my floor!
(Water drips out of the television) Cindy...the TV's leaking...

George

Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm whack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back!

Cody

[telling future to a pregnant woman] It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
[pointing at a mans toupee] That's not fooling anyone.
Smoke all you want. You're going to get hit by a bus.
[standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom] You're getting lucky tonight.[to "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand] He doesn't know you're a guy.

The Architect

My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.
I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her Linda.
She Scared the horses,killed the puppies, hid the remote, some real Sick shit.

Miscellaneous

Simon Cowell: I thought they were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic. (gangstas pull out their guns and shoot him dead)

President Harris: These men died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

Tom: (holds Michael Jackson outside of a window) How do you like it?

Michael Jackson: Oh come on! She's a girl!

Dialogue

Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. [looks down at breasts]

Becca: Ahh! Oh, my God, turn it off!

Kate: It's not working!

Becca: It's backwards!

Kate: What do we do?

Becca: I don't know! Ahhhh!

[The two run to the TV and shut it off.]

Kate: That was kind of scary.

Becca: I know something even scarier.

Kate: Ooh, what?

Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?

Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-

Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-

Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!

Becca: You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! [hits Kate with pillow]

Kate: Oh, yes I was! [hits Becca with chair]

Becca: You ho! [smashes glass vase on Kate's head]

Kate: You know it! [whacks Becca with closed laptop]

CJ: Shit, my aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.

Mahalik: For what?

CJ: Mice.

Mahalik: I thought she had rats?

CJ: No, rate are outside, mice are inside.

Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?

CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.

Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!

CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!

[on the phone]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What? Willie Mays?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What?

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Kind of.

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Yes. Perfect.

Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.

Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?

Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.

Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?

Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.

Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?

Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?

Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.

Tabitha's Voice: Then no.

Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.

Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.

Mrs. Meeks: If only God had taken us instead of our daughter.

Cindy: And knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.

George: [at Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?

Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?

Cindy: Fine.

Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?

Cindy: Yeah.

Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?

Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.

Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.

[Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)

Cindy: No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!

Tabitha's Voice: Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?

Cindy: Fine. [Writes the message down] Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. [Holds the paper up, reading SEVEN DAYS] Aaaah!

Cindy: But what is connection between the crop circles and the video tape?

The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.

Cindy: Sedulant? I uh...

The Architect: Grotesquery? ...No? ...What about,(holds dictionary) contingent affirmation? ...That's gotta mean something...

Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...

[Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]

Ross Giggins: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?

Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.

Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.

[Ward types his text]

Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

[Everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it]

Brenda Meeks

I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an old person behind the wheel of a car.
Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole.
(Tabitha comes out of the TV and empties her ears out on the floor) Cindy, this bitch is messin' up my floor!
(Water drips out of the television) Cindy...the TV's leaking...

George

Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm whack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back!

Cody

[telling future to a pregnant woman] It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
[pointing at a mans toupee] That's not fooling anyone.
Smoke all you want. You're going to get hit by a bus.
[standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom] You're getting lucky tonight.[to "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand] He doesn't know you're a guy.

The Architect

My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.
I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her Linda.
She Scared the horses,killed the puppies, hid the remote, some real Sick shit.

Miscellaneous

Simon Cowell: I thought they were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic. (gangstas pull out their guns and shoot him dead)

President Harris: These men died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

Tom: (holds Michael Jackson outside of a window) How do you like it?

Michael Jackson: Oh come on! She's a girl!

Dialogue

Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. [looks down at breasts]

Becca: Ahh! Oh, my God, turn it off!

Kate: It's not working!

Becca: It's backwards!

Kate: What do we do?

Becca: I don't know! Ahhhh!

[The two run to the TV and shut it off.]

Kate: That was kind of scary.

Becca: I know something even scarier.

Kate: Ooh, what?

Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?

Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-

Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-

Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!

Becca: You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! [hits Kate with pillow]

Kate: Oh, yes I was! [hits Becca with chair]

Becca: You ho! [smashes glass vase on Kate's head]

Kate: You know it! [whacks Becca with closed laptop]

CJ: Shit, my aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.

Mahalik: For what?

CJ: Mice.

Mahalik: I thought she had rats?

CJ: No, rate are outside, mice are inside.

Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?

CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.

Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!

CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!

[on the phone]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What? Willie Mays?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What?

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Kind of.

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Yes. Perfect.

Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.

Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?

Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.

Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?

Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.

Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?

Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?

Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.

Tabitha's Voice: Then no.

Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.

Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.

Mrs. Meeks: If only God had taken us instead of our daughter.

Cindy: And knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.

George: [at Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?

Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?

Cindy: Fine.

Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?

Cindy: Yeah.

Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?

Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.

Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.

[Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)

Cindy: No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!

Tabitha's Voice: Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?

Cindy: Fine. [Writes the message down] Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. [Holds the paper up, reading SEVEN DAYS] Aaaah!

Cindy: But what is connection between the crop circles and the video tape?

The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.

Cindy: Sedulant? I uh...

The Architect: Grotesquery? ...No? ...What about,(holds dictionary) contingent affirmation? ...That's gotta mean something...

Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...

[Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]

Ross Giggins: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?

Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.

Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.

[Ward types his text]

Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

[Everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it]

Brenda Meeks

I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an old person behind the wheel of a car.
Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole.
(Tabitha comes out of the TV and empties her ears out on the floor) Cindy, this bitch is messin' up my floor!
(Water drips out of the television) Cindy...the TV's leaking...

George

Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm whack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back!

Cody

[telling future to a pregnant woman] It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
[pointing at a mans toupee] That's not fooling anyone.
Smoke all you want. You're going to get hit by a bus.
[standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom] You're getting lucky tonight.[to "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand] He doesn't know you're a guy.

The Architect

My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.
I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her Linda.
She Scared the horses,killed the puppies, hid the remote, some real Sick shit.

Miscellaneous

Simon Cowell: I thought they were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic. (gangstas pull out their guns and shoot him dead)

President Harris: These men died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

Tom: (holds Michael Jackson outside of a window) How do you like it?

Michael Jackson: Oh come on! She's a girl!

Dialogue

Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. [looks down at breasts]

Becca: Ahh! Oh, my God, turn it off!

Kate: It's not working!

Becca: It's backwards!

Kate: What do we do?

Becca: I don't know! Ahhhh!

[The two run to the TV and shut it off.]

Kate: That was kind of scary.

Becca: I know something even scarier.

Kate: Ooh, what?

Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?

Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-

Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-

Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!

Becca: You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! [hits Kate with pillow]

Kate: Oh, yes I was! [hits Becca with chair]

Becca: You ho! [smashes glass vase on Kate's head]

Kate: You know it! [whacks Becca with closed laptop]

CJ: Shit, my aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.

Mahalik: For what?

CJ: Mice.

Mahalik: I thought she had rats?

CJ: No, rate are outside, mice are inside.

Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?

CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.

Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!

CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!

[on the phone]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What? Willie Mays?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What?

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Kind of.

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Yes. Perfect.

Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.

Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?

Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.

Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?

Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.

Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?

Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?

Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.

Tabitha's Voice: Then no.

Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.

Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.

Mrs. Meeks: If only God had taken us instead of our daughter.

Cindy: And knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.

George: [at Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?

Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?

Cindy: Fine.

Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?

Cindy: Yeah.

Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?

Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.

Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.

[Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)

Cindy: No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!

Tabitha's Voice: Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?

Cindy: Fine. [Writes the message down] Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. [Holds the paper up, reading SEVEN DAYS] Aaaah!

Cindy: But what is connection between the crop circles and the video tape?

The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.

Cindy: Sedulant? I uh...

The Architect: Grotesquery? ...No? ...What about,(holds dictionary) contingent affirmation? ...That's gotta mean something...

Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...

[Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]

Ross Giggins: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?

Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.

Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.

[Ward types his text]

Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

[Everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it]

Brenda Meeks

I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an old person behind the wheel of a car.
Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole.
(Tabitha comes out of the TV and empties her ears out on the floor) Cindy, this bitch is messin' up my floor!
(Water drips out of the television) Cindy...the TV's leaking...

George

Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm whack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back!

Cody

[telling future to a pregnant woman] It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
[pointing at a mans toupee] That's not fooling anyone.
Smoke all you want. You're going to get hit by a bus.
[standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom] You're getting lucky tonight.[to "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand] He doesn't know you're a guy.

The Architect

My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.
I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her Linda.
She Scared the horses,killed the puppies, hid the remote, some real Sick shit.

Miscellaneous

Simon Cowell: I thought they were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic. (gangstas pull out their guns and shoot him dead)

President Harris: These men died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

Tom: (holds Michael Jackson outside of a window) How do you like it?

Michael Jackson: Oh come on! She's a girl!

Dialogue

Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. [looks down at breasts]

Becca: Ahh! Oh, my God, turn it off!

Kate: It's not working!

Becca: It's backwards!

Kate: What do we do?

Becca: I don't know! Ahhhh!

[The two run to the TV and shut it off.]

Kate: That was kind of scary.

Becca: I know something even scarier.

Kate: Ooh, what?

Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?

Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-

Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-

Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!

Becca: You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! [hits Kate with pillow]

Kate: Oh, yes I was! [hits Becca with chair]

Becca: You ho! [smashes glass vase on Kate's head]

Kate: You know it! [whacks Becca with closed laptop]

CJ: Shit, my aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.

Mahalik: For what?

CJ: Mice.

Mahalik: I thought she had rats?

CJ: No, rate are outside, mice are inside.

Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?

CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.

Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!

CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!

[on the phone]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What? Willie Mays?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What?

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Kind of.

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Yes. Perfect.

Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.

Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?

Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.

Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?

Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.

Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?

Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?

Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.

Tabitha's Voice: Then no.

Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.

Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.

Mrs. Meeks: If only God had taken us instead of our daughter.

Cindy: And knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.

George: [at Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?

Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?

Cindy: Fine.

Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?

Cindy: Yeah.

Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?

Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.

Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.

[Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)

Cindy: No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!

Tabitha's Voice: Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?

Cindy: Fine. [Writes the message down] Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. [Holds the paper up, reading SEVEN DAYS] Aaaah!

Cindy: But what is connection between the crop circles and the video tape?

The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.

Cindy: Sedulant? I uh...

The Architect: Grotesquery? ...No? ...What about,(holds dictionary) contingent affirmation? ...That's gotta mean something...

Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...

[Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]

Ross Giggins: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?

Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.

Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.

[Ward types his text]

Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

[Everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it]

Brenda Meeks

I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an old person behind the wheel of a car.
Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole.
(Tabitha comes out of the TV and empties her ears out on the floor) Cindy, this bitch is messin' up my floor!
(Water drips out of the television) Cindy...the TV's leaking...

George

Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm whack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back!

Cody

[telling future to a pregnant woman] It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
[pointing at a mans toupee] That's not fooling anyone.
Smoke all you want. You're going to get hit by a bus.
[standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom] You're getting lucky tonight.[to "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand] He doesn't know you're a guy.

The Architect

My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.
I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her Linda.
She Scared the horses,killed the puppies, hid the remote, some real Sick shit.

Miscellaneous

Simon Cowell: I thought they were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic. (gangstas pull out their guns and shoot him dead)

President Harris: These men died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

Tom: (holds Michael Jackson outside of a window) How do you like it?

Michael Jackson: Oh come on! She's a girl!

Dialogue

Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. [looks down at breasts]

Becca: Ahh! Oh, my God, turn it off!

Kate: It's not working!

Becca: It's backwards!

Kate: What do we do?

Becca: I don't know! Ahhhh!

[The two run to the TV and shut it off.]

Kate: That was kind of scary.

Becca: I know something even scarier.

Kate: Ooh, what?

Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?

Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-

Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-

Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!

Becca: You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! [hits Kate with pillow]

Kate: Oh, yes I was! [hits Becca with chair]

Becca: You ho! [smashes glass vase on Kate's head]

Kate: You know it! [whacks Becca with closed laptop]

CJ: Shit, my aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.

Mahalik: For what?

CJ: Mice.

Mahalik: I thought she had rats?

CJ: No, rate are outside, mice are inside.

Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?

CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.

Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!

CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!

[on the phone]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What? Willie Mays?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What?

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Kind of.

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Yes. Perfect.

Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.

Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?

Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.

Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?

Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.

Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?

Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?

Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.

Tabitha's Voice: Then no.

Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.

Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.

Mrs. Meeks: If only God had taken us instead of our daughter.

Cindy: And knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.

George: [at Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?

Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?

Cindy: Fine.

Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?

Cindy: Yeah.

Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?

Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.

Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.

[Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)

Cindy: No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!

Tabitha's Voice: Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?

Cindy: Fine. [Writes the message down] Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. [Holds the paper up, reading SEVEN DAYS] Aaaah!

Cindy: But what is connection between the crop circles and the video tape?

The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.

Cindy: Sedulant? I uh...

The Architect: Grotesquery? ...No? ...What about,(holds dictionary) contingent affirmation? ...That's gotta mean something...

Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...

[Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]

Ross Giggins: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?

Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.

Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.

[Ward types his text]

Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

[Everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it]

Brenda Meeks

I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an old person behind the wheel of a car.
Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole.
(Tabitha comes out of the TV and empties her ears out on the floor) Cindy, this bitch is messin' up my floor!
(Water drips out of the television) Cindy...the TV's leaking...

George

Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm whack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back!

Cody

[telling future to a pregnant woman] It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
[pointing at a mans toupee] That's not fooling anyone.
Smoke all you want. You're going to get hit by a bus.
[standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom] You're getting lucky tonight.[to "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand] He doesn't know you're a guy.

The Architect

My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.
I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her Linda.
She Scared the horses,killed the puppies, hid the remote, some real Sick shit.

Miscellaneous

Simon Cowell: I thought they were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic. (gangstas pull out their guns and shoot him dead)

President Harris: These men died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

Tom: (holds Michael Jackson outside of a window) How do you like it?

Michael Jackson: Oh come on! She's a girl!

Dialogue

Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. [looks down at breasts]

Becca: Ahh! Oh, my God, turn it off!

Kate: It's not working!

Becca: It's backwards!

Kate: What do we do?

Becca: I don't know! Ahhhh!

[The two run to the TV and shut it off.]

Kate: That was kind of scary.

Becca: I know something even scarier.

Kate: Ooh, what?

Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?

Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-

Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-

Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!

Becca: You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! [hits Kate with pillow]

Kate: Oh, yes I was! [hits Becca with chair]

Becca: You ho! [smashes glass vase on Kate's head]

Kate: You know it! [whacks Becca with closed laptop]

CJ: Shit, my aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.

Mahalik: For what?

CJ: Mice.

Mahalik: I thought she had rats?

CJ: No, rate are outside, mice are inside.

Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?

CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.

Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!

CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!

[on the phone]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What? Willie Mays?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What?

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Kind of.

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Yes. Perfect.

Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.

Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?

Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.

Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?

Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.

Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?

Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?

Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.

Tabitha's Voice: Then no.

Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.

Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.

Mrs. Meeks: If only God had taken us instead of our daughter.

Cindy: And knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.

George: [at Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?

Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?

Cindy: Fine.

Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?

Cindy: Yeah.

Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?

Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.

Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.

[Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)

Cindy: No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!

Tabitha's Voice: Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?

Cindy: Fine. [Writes the message down] Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. [Holds the paper up, reading SEVEN DAYS] Aaaah!

Cindy: But what is connection between the crop circles and the video tape?

The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.

Cindy: Sedulant? I uh...

The Architect: Grotesquery? ...No? ...What about,(holds dictionary) contingent affirmation? ...That's gotta mean something...

Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...

[Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]

Ross Giggins: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?

Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.

Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.

[Ward types his text]

Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

[Everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it]

Brenda Meeks

I just got a weird feeling something bad is heading my way. Like when you see an old person behind the wheel of a car.
Cindy, the news is on! Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people got they ass beat by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down the hole.
(Tabitha comes out of the TV and empties her ears out on the floor) Cindy, this bitch is messin' up my floor!
(Water drips out of the television) Cindy...the TV's leaking...

George

Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm whack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back!

Cody

[telling future to a pregnant woman] It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
[pointing at a mans toupee] That's not fooling anyone.
Smoke all you want. You're going to get hit by a bus.
[standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom] You're getting lucky tonight.[to "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand] He doesn't know you're a guy.

The Architect

My wife and I wanted a child, but she couldn't get pregnant. Neither could I.
I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her Linda.
She Scared the horses,killed the puppies, hid the remote, some real Sick shit.

Miscellaneous

Simon Cowell: I thought they were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly. I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic. (gangstas pull out their guns and shoot him dead)

President Harris: These men died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

Tom: (holds Michael Jackson outside of a window) How do you like it?

Michael Jackson: Oh come on! She's a girl!

Dialogue

Becca: You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules. [looks down at breasts]

Becca: Ahh! Oh, my God, turn it off!

Kate: It's not working!

Becca: It's backwards!

Kate: What do we do?

Becca: I don't know! Ahhhh!

[The two run to the TV and shut it off.]

Kate: That was kind of scary.

Becca: I know something even scarier.

Kate: Ooh, what?

Becca: Have you heard about this videotape?

Kate: The one where they do it on the boat and then in the car and then in the bathtub? And he's like, "Hey, baby, I love you" and she's like, "Where are we?" And did you see the size-

Becca: No. Not that tape. The one with all the scary images, and after you watch the tape, the phone rings and this really scary voice comes on and says you're gonna die in like-

Kate: Seven days! Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend!

Becca: You were with Josh last weekend? Oh, my God! [hits Kate with pillow]

Kate: Oh, yes I was! [hits Becca with chair]

Becca: You ho! [smashes glass vase on Kate's head]

Kate: You know it! [whacks Becca with closed laptop]

CJ: Shit, my aunt Shaneequa used to live over there! But that bitch got evicted though.

Mahalik: For what?

CJ: Mice.

Mahalik: I thought she had rats?

CJ: No, rate are outside, mice are inside.

Mahalik: But what if a mouse goes outside does it become a rat, and if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?

CJ: I ain't seen no mouse outside. That's what I'm sayin'.

Mahalik: That's because it's a rat, fool!

CJ: Damn! You mighta just made fact. That's some real shit right there!

[on the phone]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What? Willie Mays?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.

Cindy: What?

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Kind of.

Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?

Cindy: Yes. Perfect.

Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.

Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?

Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.

Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?

Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.

Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?

Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?

Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.

Tabitha's Voice: Then no.

Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.

Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.

Mrs. Meeks: If only God had taken us instead of our daughter.

Cindy: And knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.

George: [at Brenda's funeral] Sue wanted to pay respects to her teacher. You?

Cindy: Brenda was my bitch.

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: It's me. How you doing?

Cindy: Fine.

Tabitha's Voice: Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see you. Six days now, right?

Cindy: Yeah.

Tabitha's Voice: It was great catching up. Can I speak to Cody?

Cindy: Why? He didn't watch the tape.

Tabitha's Voice: Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.

[Cindy hangs up. The phone rings again]

Cindy: Hello?

Tabitha's Voice: Hello, I'm calling from "Reader's Digest" with a fantastic offer for Cody. (snickers)

Cindy: No, you're not! You're that evil little girl from the tape!

Tabitha's Voice: Okay, you got me. How about I just leave a message for him?

Cindy: Fine. [Writes the message down] Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that? Right. Okay, got it. Bye. [Holds the paper up, reading SEVEN DAYS] Aaaah!

Cindy: But what is connection between the crop circles and the video tape?

The Architect: The answer is simple. You are the eventuality of an anomaly. You are inexorably seeking a sedulant probability.

Cindy: Sedulant? I uh...

The Architect: Grotesquery? ...No? ...What about,(holds dictionary) contingent affirmation? ...That's gotta mean something...

Ross Giggins: Turning now to sports...

[Cindy types new text for the teleprompter]

Ross Giggins: And an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth.

Carson Ward: Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane?

Ross Giggins: It's a horrible fate.

Cindy: Carson, I have to do this.

[Ward types his text]

Ross Giggins: Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week.

[Everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it]

Ross Giggins: Oh, shizl gzngahr, % + 7, , 193419 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn (, , 18 469

[Janitor takes over the keyboard]

Ross Giggins: I been cleanin' after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin' it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', nigga? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President y'all. I'm outie.

Mahalik: This morning, he woke up dead!

CJ: How in the hell do you wake up dead?

Mahalik: 'Cause you're alive when you go to sleep.

CJ: You're telling me you can go to bed dead and wake up alive?

Mahalik: You can't go to bed dead! That shit would be redundant.

CJ: No, it wouldn't. 'Cause you can go to bed and not be dead, and you can die but not be in a bed.

Mahalik: But you are in a bed, man. That's how you wake up dead in the first place foo'!

CJ: Damn! That's some quantum shit right there, man!

Cindy: All you need is a family...

George: And we can be that family.

[Tabitha turns into a little girl]

Tabitha: Thank you all. Your love has broken the curse and freed my soul. I'll never have to kill again.

Cindy: Really?

[Tabitha turns back into a corpse]

Tabitha: Nah I was just screwing with you. [raises a knife]

The President: [He hits tabithia causing her to fall in the well] Remember, we're all counting on you.

[deleted scene]

Orpheus: While you are in the kitchen, would you get me a Yoo-Hoo?

Aunt Shanuqia: Get your own damn Yoo-Hoo!

[Tom gets hit in the balls with a plank of wood]

Tom: Argh! My balls!

[George brings him two bowling balls, and hits him in the balls with them again]

Tom: No, not those... Jesus!

[George runs up with a plastic Jesus statue]

Tom: No!!

Trooper Champlin: This is your wife. [snaps a hot dog in half]

Tom: She broke her weiner?

Trooper Champlin: [sighs] Tom, look what happens to the taco. [breaks a taco in half]

Tom: I, I don't understand all this medical lingo. I wanna see Anne!

Trooper Champlin: Your wife is split in half.

Tom: [splitting a sub sandwich down the middle] You mean like, down the middle in half?

Trooper Champlin: [sighs] At the waist. That truck is the only thing keeping her alive.

Tom: You mean, this is the only time I can talk to the top half?

Trooper Champlin: Yes.

Tom: Well, let's just say this is her bottom half. [pulls out a doughnut] Can I spend a little time with that?

Trooper Champlin: I don't understand what you mean.

Tom: [now holding a hot dog] Okay, let me explain.

Trooper Champlin: Just go to her.

Annie: Promise me you'll never remarry.

Tom: I promise.

Annie: And no sex, either.

Tom: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.

Annie: No sex.

Tom: Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.

Annie: No sex.

Tom: Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery.

Annie: [shouts] No sex!

Tom: Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.

Annie: Oh, Jesus.

Tom: That's right, honey. Go into the light.

Annie: Look! Just tell George, swim away.

Tom: Right. Swim away.

Annie: Oh, sure. That you understand.

Sayaman: [after accidentally killing Tom's wife with his truck] Tom, I'm gonna need a ride home.

[Cindy sees George unconscious on the table. He begins to wake up]

Cindy: George, what happened?

George: I don't know. Me and Cody were playing a fun game and... [looks down at gameboard] Yahtzee! [stands up and bangs his head on a shelf, then falls onto the table again]

The President: Isn't this great? Humans and aliens working together. We're one big, happy, intergalactic family.

George: Family. Huh. That's just what I've been running away from.

The President: Well, that's because you're an idiot.