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• Jesus was Spanish, did you know that? I read it in the Bible. It said "Jesus would come back like a thief in the night.

• Cows are a wreck. I saw a cow on an interview the other day, wearing fake glasses and a mustache, sayin' he was a dog.

• I'm tryin' to quit [smoking] I am... I went to a hypnotist the other day. I still smoke, but I think I'm a chicken.

• My daughter asked me, "Daddy, whats a pronoun?" "I don't know, a noun with a job"

• Wanna buy a dryer... door?