My Wife and Kids was a sitcom that aired on ABC, 2001–2005. It starred Damon Wayans and Tisha Campbell-Martin.

Dialogue

Jay (after Tiara compliments Junior's shoes): Tiara, he [Junior] put those mirrors on his shoes so he could look up at your panties.

Tiara: Well, joke's on him, because I'm not wearing any.

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Junior (who's about to eat raw chicken): Have you ever heard of sushi?

Michael: Have you ever heard of salmonella?

Junior: No, but if she knows how to cook, invite her over?

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Kady:I made you some chicken noodle soup.

Michael: Did you get this [water in the soup] out of the toilet like the last time?

Kady: No, silly!

Kady: ...the fish tank!

Michael: Mmm, mmm, guppy!

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Michael: No asking your grandfather for money.

Junior: I can't stop him. He folds it up in his hand and shoves it in my pocket. What can I do?

Michael: Be naked. I bet he won't shove it in that pocket.

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Jay (to Michael): Are these [pants] yours or Junior's?

Michael: Junior's. I don't have pants with more than 38 pockets.

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Jay: What does that look like to you?

Michael: I'll say it's chocolate-covered raisins.

Jay: No, it looks like mouse droppings.

Michael: There's only one way to find out. Junior, come taste one of these.

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Michael: I thought you were going shopping for towels.

Jay: I did.

Michael: When did Sony start making towels?

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Franklin: First, we need to clean it (referring to a raw chicken).

Claire:OK, I'll put it in the dishwasher. Life cycle, right?

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Franklin: Today, we're going to cook minute rice.

Claire: Really? How long will that take?

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Jay: I've got ye olde egg salad.

Michael: That's why ye olde lifespan was only 36 years, because ye olde bowels couldn't digest ye olde food.

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Michael: Put him [a co-worker] down!

Calvin: I'm trying, but I don't know where to put him down! Why did they put in a 'pick-up' sign when they didn't put in a 'put-down' sign?

Michael: It's a good thing you didn't see the 'loading in rear' sign.

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Claire: How would you feel if your parents went on a double date with you and Mom?

Michael: Like a virgin.

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Michael: You seem to be forgetting what we did in a movie theater. Remember the hot dog trick?

Jay: Go check on the kids.

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Junior (after Michael writes the title of Junior's notepad of dumb sayings called "I Ain't Dumb"): Dad, there's no 'B' in dumb, that's 'dum-bee'.

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Michael: I found a gray hair.

Jay: Where? In your goatee?

Michael: Lower.

Jay: Your chest?

Michael: Warmer.

Jay: You're nuts!

Michael: Exactly. The right one.

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Jay: You have 10 whole teeth in your mouth.

Kady: That's more than Grandma, right?

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Junior: These hands were made for love.

Michael: I know one of them is.

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Junior: For once, I'm not the dumbest one in the room.

Tony: Yes, you are.

Junior: You just proved me right. Because it's, "Yes, you is."

Michael: Why don't you quit while you're behind, son?

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Junior: He who runs away, lives to fight another day.

Michael: Yeah. And then he runs to join the Village People.

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Junior (about accidentally knocking Michael out while being taught how to box): I feel like Sugar Ray.

Jay: Which one?

Junior: The band.

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Claire (after telling Junior, who got into a fight with Tony and got beat up after he assumed that Claire and Tony were having sex, when really they were playing miniature golf): What did you think we did?

Junior: It.

Claire: It?

Jay: It?

Michael: It?

Claire: That's disgusting!

Jay: That's disgusting!

Michael: That's just plain damn nasty.

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Jay (to Claire, who broke up with Tony after seeing him with another woman, who was actually his cousin): Baby, you've got to communicate with Tony. That is the secret to any good relationship. How do you think your father and I have held in there for so long?

Michael: Unplanned pregnancies? Ow!

You said you wanted me to give the male point of view, I'm giving you the male point of view!

Jay: Go point your view back at the television.

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Michael (to Claire, who is eating junk food to comfort her after her breakup with Tony): Claire, you gotta watch your sugar intake. You're already genetically predisposed to being a little thick. (looks at Jay)

Jay: That wasn't even necessary!

Michael: Baby, I was just being honest.

Jay (referring to Michael's head): Do I run around the house telling Junior that he's genetically predisposed of looking like a brown egg?

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Kady: Mom always burns the bottom of her cookies, and I like that.

Jay: Thanks...I think.

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Michael: (to restaurant warker) You're Japanese, too?

Man: Until midnight.

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Hippie: (to Michael) I'm going to call you 'Dark Cloud'. Aah!

Michael: And I'm going to call you 'a cab'! Aah!

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Franklin: [to Kady, after she unknowingly applied skunk odor to herself] Don't worry, my little stinkweed. I still love you.

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Jay: It's Junior's first big-boy drawers!

Michael: I remember the big doo-doos he left in those drawers.

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Jay: Junior's SAT scores just came in.

Michael: Oh boy, let me get the whiskey.

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Jay: Claire, you're 16 now, what do you see yourself doing in the next few years?

Claire: Shopping.

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Michael: Son, how do you feel about sheep?

Junior: Hey, who don't like saving money?

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Jay: (to Michael) If you keep this up, you're going to get to know your fingers really well.

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Michael: This beef stroganoff is really saying something.

Jay: Yeah, it's saying 'I'm meatloaf!'

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Claire: Junior, get your butt out of my face!

Junior: Get your face out of my butt!

Claire: I'm the one in the line of fire!

A short time later:

Michael: Junior, I'll give you $50 if you fart right now.

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Kady: Which one of the Powerpuff Girls is my favorite?

Franklin: Barney?

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Vanessa: Which yogurt flavor is my favorite?

Junior: Seven!

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Jay: What is my dress size?

Michael: The answer to your question is, your dress size is a six...

Jay: *giggling*

Michael: ...teen!

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Michael: Why does everyone think I'm the big green ogre?

Junior: Because you are.

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Jay: What, you have a big-screen TV in your back pocket?

Wanda: No, but thanks for suggesting one can fit back there.

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Junior: I can't concentrate on my homework.

Michael: So you have to concentrate to bring home two D's and an F.

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Jay: I'm cleaning out the closet.

Michael: With what, a bomb?

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Jay: Tell me that's not Brian McKnight.

Junior: That's not Brian McKnight.

Jay: Yes, it is, Junior.

Junior: Then why'd you tell me to tell you--

Jay: Shut up, boy, and get me to the altar!

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Calvin: [after tasting some pudding meant to symbolize feces in a baby's soiled diaper] Mmm, it's chocolate pudding.

Instructor: Lucky for you, that's right.

Jay

• (referring to Ken's new girlfriend, Tiara) "I hope this one doesn't think Apartheid is a laundry detergent."
• (to Michael) "Until you get this mouse out of the house, you ain't getting any panties from this fanny!"
• (to Michael, after hearing Tony singing) "I can't ignore him. He sounds like a cat in heat."
• "The boy (Junior) has a lawnchair for a front (car) seat."
• (to Junior, about his car) "She may have character, but she dosen't have a front seat."

Junior

• "Why do they call it a 'coffin' when you can't cough?"
• "Shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake! Shake your milkshake!"
• "I may have put the '-oron' in 'moron', but I didn't put the '-upid' in 'dumb'!"
• "And he [Christopher Columbus] thought the world was round. What an idiot!"
• "You know I can't work a R."

Michael

• "How am I supposed to believe that my pie got up and ate itself?"
• "This [pie] is all you're going to eat until I find out who did it [ate his pie]."
• "Did you see the way those women looked at me? I felt like a hamburger in Somalia."
• "Boy, you've got your butt in my ear!"
• "Kissing can lead to touching, and touching can lead to grandchildren."
• (to a man at the gas station) "Hey, Shrek! You think you can move any time this century?!"
• "'Summer Breeze'? That sounds like a feminine hygiene commercial."

Other people

• Grandma Kyle: "I'm going to outlive you if it kills me!"
• Nurse: "Did something die in here?"