Directed by Jay Roach. Written by Jim Herzfeld and John Hamburg.

Jack Byrnes

• All right. Now look, Focker, I'm a patient man. That's what 13 months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you. But I will be watching you, studying your every move. And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.

Dialogue

Jack: Let me ask you a question, Greg. Let's just say you have kids... and you wanna get out of the house, spend a night on the town. So, you hire a baby-sitter, someone you think you can trust. References, work experience — it all checks out fine. But then how do you really know for certain... that your loved ones are safe with this stranger? I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?

Greg: Sure, I think so.

Jack: No. The answer is, you cannot.

Greg: [about the song "Puff the Magic Dragon"] Great song.

Jack: Yeah, one of my favorites.

Greg: Who would've thought it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?

Jack: What do you mean?

Greg: You know, the whole drug thing.

Jack: No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

Greg: Some people think that... to "puff the magic dragon" means to... They're really, uh... to smoke... to smoke a marijuana cigarette.

Jack: Well, Puff's just the name of the boy's magical dragon.

Greg: Right.

Jack: Are you a pothead, Focker?

Greg: No! No.

Jack: What?

Greg: No, no, no, no, Jack. No, I'm... I'm not... I... I pass on grass all the time. I mean, not all the time.

Jack: Yes or no, Greg?

Greg: No. Yes. No.

Jack: Greg, would you like to say grace?

Pam: Oh, uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad. You know that.

Jack: You're telling me Jews don't pray, honey? [to Greg] Unless you have some objection.

Greg: No, no, no, no, I'd love to. Pam, come on, it's not like I'm a rabbi or something. I've said grace at many a dinner table.

Pam: Okay.

Greg: O dear God, thank You. You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle... and accommodating God. And we thank You, O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts... for the... smorgasbord... You have so aptly lain at our table this day... and each day... by day. Day by day by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray. To love Thee more dearly. To see Thee more clearly. To follow Thee more nearly... day by day... by day. Amen. Amen.

Dina: Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem?

Jack: Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that.

Greg: What? No! What... what... what poem?

Dina: You see, when Jack had to retire... for health reasons...

Jack: That's a bunch of malarkey. Honey, I'm fine.

Dina: The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he... sort of expressed his emotions in an artistic way. Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother.

Pam: Please, we really wanna hear it.

Greg: Poem, poem. Please!

Jack: Oh, all right. It's a work in progress. I'm still not happy with it. As soon as it's ready, then I am going to glaze it onto a plate... and put it next to the urn.

Greg: Nice.

Dina: It's very special.

Jack: "My Mother," by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, you gave me milk, you gave me courage. Your name was Angela, the angel from heaven. But you were also an angel of God, and He needed you, too. Selfishly, I tried to keep you here... while the cancer ate away your organs... like an unstoppable rebel force. But I couldn't save you, and I shall see your face... nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, until we meet... in heaven.

Pam: Daddy, that's beautiful.

Dina: It always gets me.

Greg: Amazing. So... so.. so much love, yet also so much information.

[Jack's putting Greg through a lie detector test]

Jack: [slowly] Have you ever...watched...pornographic...videos? [short pause]

Greg: No. [looks at graph and sees needles skewing wildly]

Pam: I love you, Dad, but you could be a real jerk sometimes. [storms out of room]

Jack: [to Dina] So what if he passed some test? He's still not good for Pam!

Dina: Well, who is, Jack? No one has ever been good enough for your Pam. You only warmed up to Kevin after she broke up with him.

Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir. You're gonna have to check that.

Greg: I got it.

Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry. That bag won't fit.

Greg: No, I'm not — hey. I'm not checking my bag, okay?

Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.

Greg: I'm not raising my voice. This would be raising my voice to you, okay? I don't want to check my bag. By the way, your airline — you suck at checking bags. Because I already did that once, and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me. Okay?

Flight Attendant: I can assure you that your bag... will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage.

Greg: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Are you physically gonna take my bag beneath the plane? Are you gonna go with the guys with the earmuffs and put it in there?

Flight Attendant: No.

Greg: No? Okay. Then shut your pie hole... and listen to me when I say that I am finished... with the checking-of-the-bags conversation!

Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we—

Greg: Get your grubby little paws off of my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane.

Flight Attendant: Sir!

Greg: I wanna stow my bag according to your safety regulations.

Flight Attendant: Sir, sir—

Greg: If you would take a second... and take the little sticks out of your head and clean out your ears, maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do! All I wanna do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you! The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here now... and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers. Okay? If you can get it from my kung fu grip, then you can have it. Okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.

Greg: I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly, sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts...about whether or not I could even survive in your family. I think you've got some serious issues.

Jack: If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?

Greg: Would you lighten up a lot?

Jack: Yeah.

Greg: Yes or no?

Jack: Yes.

Greg: Would you let me and Pam...live our lives and not interfere all the time?

Jack: I promise not to interfere in your lives all the time.

Greg: Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?

Jack: Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?

Taglines

• First comes love. Then comes the interrogation.

• No pressure.

• He finally met the girl of his dreams. Too bad her dad's a nightmare.

Cast

• Robert De Niro - Jack Byrnes
• Ben Stiller - Gaylord 'Greg' Focker
• Teri Polo - Pam Byrnes
• Blythe Danner - Dina Byrnes
• Nicole DeHuff - Deborah Byrnes
• Jon Abrahams - Denny Byrnes
• Owen Wilson - Kevin Rawley
• James Rebhorn - Dr. Larry Banks
• Thomas McCarthy - Dr. Bob Banks
• Phyllis George - Linda Banks