Directed and written by Charles Crichton.

Otto

• Oh you English are SO superior aren't you. Well, would like to know where you'd be without US the good old U.S. of A. to protect you? The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, thats where, so DON'T call me stupid lady, just THANK me! ...If it weren't for us, you'd all be speaking German, singing, "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles!"

• [On finding George has moved the jewels, forestalling his and Wanda's attempted double-cross] What do you have to do to get people to trust you?!?!

Wanda

• [to Otto] To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs!

• [to Otto] Even if you were my brother, I'd still want to fuck you.

• [to Otto] I knew you'd come along and fuck it up! I was dealing with something delicate. I'm setting up a guy who's important to us, who'll tell me where the loot is and if you'll be arrested, and you come loping in like Rambo without a jock strap and you dangle him out a fifth-floor window! Now, was that smart? Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics? Or was it stupid?

Dialogue

Wanda: But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

Otto: [superior smile] Apes don't read philosophy.

Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it! Let me correct you on a few things; Aristotle was not Belgian! The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself!" And the London Underground is not a political movement! Those are all mistakes. I looked them up.

Otto: [about Wanda and Archie] When you say "friendly", what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?

Wanda: I don't know. Let's just see what happens.

Otto: So, "friendly" might include actual, uh, what? Penetration?

Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners.

Archie: Winners?

Otto: Yeah, winners.

Archie: Winners, like North Vietnam?

Otto: Shut up! We didn't lose Vietnam! It was a tie!

Archie: [Cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' you, baby, they kicked your little ass there! Boy, they whooped yer hide real good!

Otto: No they didn't!!

Archie: Oh Yes they did!

Otto: Oh no they... SHUT UP! Goodbye Archie.

Archie: Gonna shoot me Otto?

Otto: Er Yes. Yes 'fraid so old chap sorry.

[Otto dangling Archie out of a window]

Archie: All right, all right, I apologize.

Otto: You're really sorry?

Archie: I'm really really sorry. I apologize unreservedly.

Otto: You take it back?

Archie: I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.

Otto: [thinks a moment] Okay.

[Otto is torturing Ken by quizzing him on Nietzsche and sticking chips up his nose]

Otto: Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, eh, Ken? OK. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds? I'll give you a clue. Somewhere around the airport.

Ken: I'm n-n-n...

Otto: No hassle. There's plenty of time. I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me. The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip. What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting? Wait a moment! It's fish. Isn't it? [Dipping into the fish tank with a net] Oh! Here, boy. Down the hatch. [Eats the fish] Delicious!

Ken: You b-b-b...

Otto: Better eat the green one? OK. What's this one's name? Well, not Wanda, anyway. I'm going to call her Lunch. Hello, Lunch. Hello! [Eats the fish] Ew! Avoid the green ones - not ripe yet.

Cast

• John Cleese - Archie Leach
• Jamie Lee Curtis - Wanda Gershwitz
• Kevin Kline - Otto
• Michael Palin - Ken Pile
• Maria Aitken - Wendy
• Tom Georgeson - Georges Thomason