Verbal Self Defense, aka 'Verbal Judo', is defined as using one's words to prevent, de-escalate

De-escalation

This is a commonlly used term in Social Work practice. It is used as an anger management tool to remove tension between two participants in a conflictual relationship or intervention. A cooling off period is experienced and then the potential for further communication is invitedDe-escalation refers...

, or end an attempted assault. It is a way of using words as a way to maintain your mental and emotional safety. This kind of 'conflict management' involves using posture and body language, tone of voice, and choice of words as a means for calming a potentially volatile situation before it can manifest into physical violence. This often involves techniques such as taking a time-out

Child time-out

A time-out involves temporarily separating a child from an environment where inappropriate behavior has occurred, and is intended to give an over-excited child time to calm down and thereby discouraging such behavior. It is an educational and parenting technique recommended by some pediatricians...

, deflecting the conversation to less argumentative topics, and/or redirecting the conversation to other individuals in the group who are less passionately involved.

Overview

Verbal self defense experts have widely varying definitions of what it is and how it is applied. These include everything from simply saying no to someone or repeatedly refusing a request to telling someone who has violated a personal boundary what you want. It could even entail a more complicated scenario in which you are called on to refuse to engage verbally with someone manipulative

Psychological manipulation

Psychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the perception or behavior of others through underhanded, deceptive, or even abusive tactics. By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at the other's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative,...

, to set limits, and to end the conversation.

In any definition it is always agreed that verbal self defense is necessary as a means of enforcing personal boundaries

Personal boundaries

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits.'Personal boundaries define...

 and limits. Part of learning these skills includes learning how to identify communication triggers which cause you negative feelings and, in some cases, what those triggers represent with regards to what personal values the other person are violating.

The abusive types of communication that verbal self defense is designed to acknowledge and deal with also vary greatly. This includes indirect forms of abuse

Abuse

Abuse is the improper usage or treatment for a bad purpose, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. Abuse can come in many forms, such as: physical or verbal maltreatment, injury, sexual assault, violation, rape, unjust practices; wrongful practice or custom; offense; crime, or otherwise...

 such as passive-aggressive communication, backhanded comments, and backstabbing or two-faced behaviors. As well, verbal self defense is meant to address more commonly recognized forms of abuse such as yelling, belittling, and name calling. Going beyond verbal attacks, abusive behaviors also recognized in the field of verbal self defense are aggressive posturing (taking a threatening posture or making a threatening gesture), physically interfering with personal belongings, and inappropriately intruding on one's personal space.

Key components

Most experts who write and publish articles and books on the subject of verbal self defense identify several key elements to strong verbal self defense skills.

• Being able to identify people, situations, and/or behaviors that induce feelings that leave you hurt—such as fear, inadequacy, and shame—is important in order to know when you need to apply verbal tactics of defense.
• Controlling how you respond to conflict, both mentally and emotionally, is key to applying verbal defense skills efficiently and appropriately.
• Having a general knowledge of what you're going to say in advance offers a significant advantage for anyone using verbal self defense. Some authors have even gone so far as to provide actual statements for people to use as a way to deal with verbally aggressive communicators.

Controversy

Authors and professional instructors offering seminars and workshops have differing views with regard to whether or not verbal self defense is a form of 'Persuasion

Persuasion

Persuasion is a form of social influence. It is the process of guiding or bringing oneself or another toward the adoption of an idea, attitude, or action by rational and symbolic means.- Methods :...

' and if 'Consequences' for the attacker should be considered a key component.

Persuasion vs. Self-Defense

In the field of verbal self defense the one element not entirely agreed upon is the concept that verbal defense tactics include the art of persuasion. Several authors clearly proclaim that verbal self defense is designed as a means for persuading others; however, more recent books on the subject have denounced this commonly accepted fact.

The newer definition of verbal self defense divides persuasion into a category of its own and states that verbal defense tactics should be more in line with the concept of physical self defense. This idea, taken from ideologies of martial arts, puts forth the belief that verbal self defense should only be used with respect to maintaining one's mental and emotional well-being.

Just like a martial artist wouldn't use their skills against someone who wasn't threatening them, verbal self defense artists shouldn't use confuse their skills with being a means for influencing others. The concern is that personal safety and "getting your way" are not one and the same. Proponents of verbal self defense as a way to influence and guide others, however, believe that skills of persuasion can be used as a way to ensure one's mental and emotional safety.

Consequences

The requirement for having a means to enforce "consequences" on people as a pre-requisite for effective verbal self defense still remains questionable. Almost every author on the subject includes ways of handling non-physical aggression without having any repercussions for the attacker in the event the conflict is not solved amicably.

With specific regard to verbal self defense in schools the concept of having consequences for bullying is considered by some to be key, where others are less focused on punishment and choose, instead, to put more emphasis on dealing with the aggressor in more positive ways. Although this topic has only recently begun being addressed by experts in this field it remains to be seen to what degree the importance of consequences will have in handling interpersonal conflicts using verbal self defense.

Common approaches

Leading authors in the area of verbal self defense and defensive styles communications offer several different techniques for defusing potentially volatile and/or abusive situations of conflict.

Avoidance

Being aware of situations that will likely lead to verbal conflict or abuse and making an effort to avoid them.

Withdrawing

Once engaged in an argument, situation of conflict, or when being verbally attacked, making an excuse and exiting the area.

Deflecting

Changing topic or focus on the interaction as a means of avoiding any disagreement or negative reaction on the part of the aggressor.

Compromise

Openly offering ideas and seeking ways to placate the attacker and/or their reasons for the abusive communication.

Applications

Websites and news stories stating the rise in bullying in the workplace and on the playground has led to a recent increased in awareness of the art of verbal self defense. Considered a form of communication, verbal self defense has become a sought after skill in schools and workplaces around the world as a way to counter this unhealthy trend.

Incidents of school and workplace shootings have put strong emphasis on being more aware of bullying, and consequently the need for a means to respond to such events have led to a growth in the field of verbal self defense. Today, more and more individuals are presenting themselves as verbal self defense experts and offering individual and corporate training, both on and offline, as a way to battle bullying at school, in the workplace and on the internet.

Workplace bullying

With the increased awareness of bullying in the workplace, it has become necessary for companies and organizations to ensure they meet the requirements of due diligence with regard to maintaining a safe work environment. U.S. and international laws have even gone so far as to recognize workplace bullying as its own form of harassment. Today, it is becoming common for businesses in almost every industry around the world to start providing their staff and employees with training designed to address and minimize the effects from incidents of workplace bullying.

School bullying

Since the school shooting incident in Columbine there has been greater emphasis on stopping acts of school yard bullying. Many educational institutions around the world have implemented anti-bullying campaigns with great success. In each of these campaigns it is common to find at least one of the anti-bullying tactics specifically addressing the need for victims of bullying to say something as a way to verbally defend themselves.

Cyber-bullying

In written form, verbal self defense is meant to address concepts such as cyber-bullying. This includes addressing hostile and hurtful messages posted on social networks such as Facebook and MySpace, as well as in online forums and chat rooms. With ongoing investigations into teen bullycide

Bullycide

The term bullycide is a portmanteau word first used in 2001 by Neil Marr and Tim Field in their book Bullycide: Death at Playtime. It refers to suicide attributable to the victim having been bullied, either in person or via social media. Bullycide has also been defined as the killing of the bully...

s (a suicide caused as the result of depression from bullying, especially children) finding more than ever before the link directly to cyber-bullying by classmates, the need of verbal self defense skills for teens has led to a number of new books specifically addressing this subject.

Influential contributors

Several people are considered to be significant contributors to the field of verbal self defense. These include people who were early pioneers to advocates for the importance of verbal defense skills, developers of new techniques for verbally defensive tactics, and nationally recognized and known trainers.

• Suzette Haden Elgin
  Suzette Haden Elgin
  Suzette Haden Elgin is an American science fiction author. She founded the Science Fiction Poetry Association, and is considered an important figure in the field of science fiction constructed languages...
  
  , the author of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, was one of the earliest writers to use the term Verbal Self Defense. She states that verbal self-defense defends against the eight most common types of verbal violence, and redirect and defuse potential verbal confrontations.
• George Thompson (1941–2011), author of Verbal Judo, advanced the field of verbal self defense by breaking down how to apply the techniques for de-escalation and defusing used by professionally trained police officers. Today, he is one of the leading experts in verbal self defense tactics and still trains law enforcement agencies around the world.
• Daniel Scott, author of Verbal Self Defense for The Workplace, more recently combined self-defense concepts with the language patterns of neuro linguistic programming in order to develop a new form of verbal self defense. His new 6-step model for verbal self defense includes all the main components necessary for people to defend themselves against bullies and aggressive people in the work place and elsewhere.

See also

Further reading

• Elgin, Suzette Haden The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, Dorset House Publishing Co Inc, 1985
• Glass, Lillian The Complete Idiot's Guide to Verbal Self Defense, Alpha, 1999
• Scott, Daniel Verbal Self Defense for The Workplace, Book Shaker, 2009
• Thompson, George Verbal Judo, Harper Paperbacks, 2004