Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons

Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

They say that dogs lick their own genitalia because they can. But I think it's at least partially because they don't have the Internet.

The world isn't fair, but as long as it's tilting in my direction I find that there's a natural cap to my righteous indignation.

As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.

If there is one thing that our role models in this election have taught us, it's that omitting important information is completely different from lying.

The biggest issue in this election is something called flip-flopping, and all candidates are accused of doing it. A strong leader is expected to maintain steadfast resolve in his opinion even if the environment changes or he gets new information. In any other context, that would be considered the first sign of a brain tumor. When presidents do it, it's called leadership, and frankly, we can't get enough of it.

Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn't mean I can't be the first.

Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.

There’s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.