Relationship breakup
Encyclopedia
A relationship breakup, often referred to simply as a breakup, is the termination of a usually intimate relationship
by any means other than death. The act is commonly termed "dumping [someone]" in slang when it is initiated by one partner. The term is less likely to be applied to a married couple
, where a breakup is typically called a separation
or divorce
.
'Orbach
(1992) has argued that the dissolution of dating and cohabiting relationships can be as painful or more painful than divorce because these nonmarital relationships are less socially recognised'.
Vaughan considered that the process of breakup was asymmetrical for initiator and respondent: the former 'has begun mourning the loss of the relationship and has undertaken something tantamount to a rehearsal, mentally and, to varying degrees, experientially, of a life apart from the partner'. The latter then has to play catch-up: 'to make their own transition out of the relationship, partners must redefine initiator and relationship negatively, legitimating the dissolution'.
As a result, for Vaughan 'getting out of a relationship entails a redefinition of self at several levels: in the private thoughts of the individual, between partners, and in the larger social context in which the relationship exists'. She considered that 'uncoupling is complete when the partners have defined themselves and are defined by others as separate and independent of each other - when being partners is no longer a major source of identity'.
writes that the emotions of grief
after a breakup are essentially the same as those of any grief process. Her research reflects that of Beverley Raphael who likened the process of grief as "phases" rather than "stages". Elliott, who has researched grief extensively, writes that the phases of breakup grief are "Shock and Disbelief", "Review and Painful Relinquishment", and "Reorganization, Integration, and Acceptance". Any of these three phases may be skipped, repeated, or rearranged, depending on one's situation and personality.
1. Infidelity
2. Lack of communication
3. A recently lost and highly valued object (keys/iPod/cellphone)
In instances of break-up resulting from the first two causes, a standard parting of ways was the likely course of action whereby the parties separated, but continued about their normal lives.
Laurie Helgoe, believes that, "By releasing the past, you can approach new relationships with a fresh perspective and clearer vision". Releasing the relationship and person physically from one's life will help to keep both from constantly resurfacing in everyday life. Releasing the relationship and person from the mind and daily thoughts allocates more space to think about other important things, including future relationships.
Positive psychology
stresses the up-side to relationship breakup, emphasising for example research wherein 'students reported five positive changes in their lives from the break-up for every negative change', (although 'women report more growth after a relationship break-up' than do men). Once freed from 'the collusive solace of coupledom', the newly emerging singleton
has to see him- or herself as 'a separate person in the world, standing alone facing his future, having to make his own choices from the new position of unwanted freedom'. If seen as an opportunity, however, 'this process of self-rediscovery and independent expansion of self is important for anyone experiencing a romantic relationship break-up'.
Intimate relationship
An intimate relationship is a particularly close interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy is characterized by romantic or passionate love and attachment, or sexual activity. The term is also sometimes used euphemistically for a sexual...
by any means other than death. The act is commonly termed "dumping [someone]" in slang when it is initiated by one partner. The term is less likely to be applied to a married couple
Marriage
Marriage is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways, depending on the culture or subculture in which it is found...
, where a breakup is typically called a separation
Legal separation
Legal separation is a legal process by which a married couple may formalize a de facto separation while remaining legally married. A legal separation is granted in the form of a court order, which can be in the form of a legally binding consent decree...
or divorce
Divorce
Divorce is the final termination of a marital union, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between the parties...
.
'Orbach
Susie Orbach
Susie Orbach is a psychotherapist, psychoanalyst, writer, and social critic from London, UK.-Background:Orbach was born in London, in 1946, and was brought up in Chalk Farm, north London, the child of Jewish parents, British MP Maurice Orbach and an American mother...
(1992) has argued that the dissolution of dating and cohabiting relationships can be as painful or more painful than divorce because these nonmarital relationships are less socially recognised'.
Models
Several psychological models have been proposed to explain the process of a relationship breakup, many suggesting that 'relationship dissolution occurs in stages'.Lee
L. Lee proposes that there are five stages leading ultimately up to a breakup.Duck
Steve Duck outlines a six-stage cycle of relationship breakup, includingUncoupling
In 1976, sociologist Diane Vaughan proposed an "uncoupling theory", whereby there exists a "turning point" in the dynamics of relationship breakup - 'a precise moment when they "knew the relationship was over", when "everything went dead inside"' - followed by a transition period in which one partner unconsciously knows the relationship is going to end, but holds on to it for an extended period, even for years.Vaughan considered that the process of breakup was asymmetrical for initiator and respondent: the former 'has begun mourning the loss of the relationship and has undertaken something tantamount to a rehearsal, mentally and, to varying degrees, experientially, of a life apart from the partner'. The latter then has to play catch-up: 'to make their own transition out of the relationship, partners must redefine initiator and relationship negatively, legitimating the dissolution'.
As a result, for Vaughan 'getting out of a relationship entails a redefinition of self at several levels: in the private thoughts of the individual, between partners, and in the larger social context in which the relationship exists'. She considered that 'uncoupling is complete when the partners have defined themselves and are defined by others as separate and independent of each other - when being partners is no longer a major source of identity'.
Phases of grief
Grief counselor and breakup expert Susan J. ElliottSusan J. Elliott
Susan J. Elliott is an author, certified grief specialist, motivational speaker, expert media commentator and attorney...
writes that the emotions of grief
Grief
Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions...
after a breakup are essentially the same as those of any grief process. Her research reflects that of Beverley Raphael who likened the process of grief as "phases" rather than "stages". Elliott, who has researched grief extensively, writes that the phases of breakup grief are "Shock and Disbelief", "Review and Painful Relinquishment", and "Reorganization, Integration, and Acceptance". Any of these three phases may be skipped, repeated, or rearranged, depending on one's situation and personality.
Statistics
According to John Fetto, a survey conducted by eNation found that nearly one-third of all Americans have experienced a breakup in the past ten years. He also found that the younger the person, the more likely they are to have experienced more than one breakup in the last decade. It is believed that this is because young people are more actively dating than older generations, though this may be changing with the growing divorce rate, and thus adults are breaking up more frequently as well. This makes breakups one of the more common emotional experiences in modern society.Causes
A 2011 survey of relevant social media and networking sites found that the three most likely causes for women to end relationship with men were:1. Infidelity
2. Lack of communication
3. A recently lost and highly valued object (keys/iPod/cellphone)
In instances of break-up resulting from the first two causes, a standard parting of ways was the likely course of action whereby the parties separated, but continued about their normal lives.
Recovery
Healing from a breakup, depending on the emotional attachment, can be a long process with multiple stages, of which may include: sanctioning adequate time to recover, improving intrapersonal relationships and, ultimately, finding the motivation necessary to dismiss the breakup itself.Laurie Helgoe, believes that, "By releasing the past, you can approach new relationships with a fresh perspective and clearer vision". Releasing the relationship and person physically from one's life will help to keep both from constantly resurfacing in everyday life. Releasing the relationship and person from the mind and daily thoughts allocates more space to think about other important things, including future relationships.
Positive psychology
Positive psychology
Positive psychology is a recent branch of psychology whose purpose was summed up in 1998 by Martin Seligman and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: "We believe that a psychology of positive human functioning will arise, which achieves a scientific understanding and effective interventions to build thriving in...
stresses the up-side to relationship breakup, emphasising for example research wherein 'students reported five positive changes in their lives from the break-up for every negative change', (although 'women report more growth after a relationship break-up' than do men). Once freed from 'the collusive solace of coupledom', the newly emerging singleton
Bridget Jones
Bridget Jones is a franchise based on the fictional character with the same name. English writer Helen Fielding started her Bridget Jones's Diary column in The Independent in 1995, chronicling the life of Bridget Jones as a thirtysomething single woman in London as she tries to make sense of life...
has to see him- or herself as 'a separate person in the world, standing alone facing his future, having to make his own choices from the new position of unwanted freedom'. If seen as an opportunity, however, 'this process of self-rediscovery and independent expansion of self is important for anyone experiencing a romantic relationship break-up'.
See also
Further reading
- McGraw, Phil. (2008) – Relationships/Sex: Healing a Broken Heart Retrieved January 25, 2008
- Steadman, Lisa. (2007). It's a Breakup Not a Breakdown. Avon, MA: Polka Dot Press.