Narcissistic parents
Encyclopedia
"A narcissistic parent is typically exclusively and possessively close to his or her child... [and] may be especially envious of a child's growing independence."
The result may be what has been termed "narcissistic attachment
"—the child always exists for the parent's benefit.
and... insisted on being looked up to and imitated" may produce a son who "began to see himself as a 'puppet' of his father"—one who "learned early in life to put other people's emotional needs ahead of [his] own."
According to American psychologist Alan Rappoport, narcissistic parents "demand certain behavior from their children because they see the children as extensions of themselves, and need the children to represent them in the world in ways that meet the parents’ emotional needs. (For example, a narcissistic father who was a lawyer demanded that his son, who had always been the favorite child, enter the legal profession as well. When the son chose another career, the father rejected and disparaged him.) Such a "narcissistic parent likes to take credit for his child's successes," and in the face of the child's independence "may experience a sense of loss, the child having served as an important source of self esteem."
"These traits will lead overly narcissistic parents to be very intrusive in some ways, and entirely neglectful in others. The children are punished
if they do not respond adequately to the parents' needs. This punishment may take a variety of forms, including physical abuse
, angry outbursts, blame
, attempts to instill guilt
, emotional neglect
, and criticism
. Whatever form it takes, the purpose of the punishment
is to enforce compliance with the parents' narcissistic needs."
is written from the perspective of a mother exhibiting characteristics of extreme narcissistic parenting. The protagonist embarks upon a series of reckless sexual relationships for the sole purpose of conceiving a child who will act as a source of self-enhancement. When her son, Paul, is born, she forbids him from having any contact with or friends in the outside world, and constructs an elaborate fantasy world for him based entirely around herself. When Paul reaches school age and seeks autonomy outside of his mother - thus threatening to cut off her source of narcissistic supply and glorification - she commits a murder-suicide attempt by carbon monoxide poisoning.
Books
The result may be what has been termed "narcissistic attachment
Attachment theory
Attachment theory describes the dynamics of long-term relationships between humans. Its most important tenet is that an infant needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development to occur normally. Attachment theory is an interdisciplinary study...
"—the child always exists for the parent's benefit.
Characteristics
Whereas the "good-enough" parent is confident enough to allow a child's autonomy, "a pathologically narcissistic parent... [may] need to extract a specific performance from the child to glorify [him/]herself." Thus, for example, "the nonmirroring father who was preoccupied with his own self-enhancementSelf-enhancement
Self-enhancement is a type of motivation that works to make people feel good about themselves and to maintain self-esteem. This motive becomes especially prominent in situations of threat, failure or blows to one's self-esteem...
and... insisted on being looked up to and imitated" may produce a son who "began to see himself as a 'puppet' of his father"—one who "learned early in life to put other people's emotional needs ahead of [his] own."
According to American psychologist Alan Rappoport, narcissistic parents "demand certain behavior from their children because they see the children as extensions of themselves, and need the children to represent them in the world in ways that meet the parents’ emotional needs. (For example, a narcissistic father who was a lawyer demanded that his son, who had always been the favorite child, enter the legal profession as well. When the son chose another career, the father rejected and disparaged him.) Such a "narcissistic parent likes to take credit for his child's successes," and in the face of the child's independence "may experience a sense of loss, the child having served as an important source of self esteem."
"These traits will lead overly narcissistic parents to be very intrusive in some ways, and entirely neglectful in others. The children are punished
Punishment (psychology)
In operant conditioning, punishment is any change in a human or animal's surroundings that occurs after a given behavior or response which reduces the likelihood of that behavior occurring again in the future. As with reinforcement, it is the behavior, not the animal, that is punished...
if they do not respond adequately to the parents' needs. This punishment may take a variety of forms, including physical abuse
Physical abuse
Physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.-Forms of physical abuse:*Striking*Punching*Belting*Pushing, pulling*Slapping*Whipping*Striking with an object...
, angry outbursts, blame
Blame
Blame is the act of censuring, holding responsible, making negative statements about an individual or group that their action or actions are socially or morally irresponsible, the opposite of praise. When someone is morally responsible for doing something wrong their action is blameworthy...
, attempts to instill guilt
Guilt
Guilt is the state of being responsible for the commission of an offense. It is also a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that...
, emotional neglect
Neglect
Neglect is a passive form of abuse in which a perpetrator is responsible to provide care for a victim who is unable to care for himself or herself, but fails to provide adequate care....
, and criticism
Criticism
Criticism is the judgement of the merits and faults of the work or actions of an individual or group by another . To criticize does not necessarily imply to find fault, but the word is often taken to mean the simple expression of an objection against prejudice, or a disapproval.Another meaning of...
. Whatever form it takes, the purpose of the punishment
Punishment (psychology)
In operant conditioning, punishment is any change in a human or animal's surroundings that occurs after a given behavior or response which reduces the likelihood of that behavior occurring again in the future. As with reinforcement, it is the behavior, not the animal, that is punished...
is to enforce compliance with the parents' narcissistic needs."
Checklist
Nina W. Brown, in her book Children of the Self Absorbed, provides specific checklists for readers to identify a "destructive narcissistic pattern" in a parent. She suggests examining "their parents' behaviour in the past... whether they turn every conversation to themselves, constantly demand attention, fish for compliments, fail to listen, use possessions without asking, find laughing at themselves hard, exaggerate and make demeaning comments about their children."Intergenerational patterns
"Narcissistic parents give rise to narcissistic offspring because [of] their inability to engage emotionally with their children's needs."In literature
The novel "Loverboy" by the author Victoria RedelVictoria Redel
Victoria Redel is an American poet and fiction writer who lives in New York City. She is the author of three books of fiction The Border of Truth, Loverboy and Where the Road Bottoms Out and two books of poetry: Swoon and Already the World. She has taught at , and is currently on the faculty of...
is written from the perspective of a mother exhibiting characteristics of extreme narcissistic parenting. The protagonist embarks upon a series of reckless sexual relationships for the sole purpose of conceiving a child who will act as a source of self-enhancement. When her son, Paul, is born, she forbids him from having any contact with or friends in the outside world, and constructs an elaborate fantasy world for him based entirely around herself. When Paul reaches school age and seeks autonomy outside of his mother - thus threatening to cut off her source of narcissistic supply and glorification - she commits a murder-suicide attempt by carbon monoxide poisoning.
See also
Further reading
Academic paper- Gardner, F 'To Enliven Her Was My Living':Thoughts On Compliance And Sacrifice As Consequences Of Malignant Identification With A Narcissistic Parent British journal of psychotherapy Volume 21 Issue 1, Pages 49 – 62 (2006)
Books
- Brown, Nina W. Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents (2008)
- Campbell, Lady ColinLady Colin CampbellLady Colin Campbell, , is a British writer, biographer, autobiographer, novelist, television and radio personality, known for her biography of Diana, Princess of Wales, The Real Diana, as well as other books on the Royal Family and the international elite.Campbell was born in Jamaica, the child of...
Daughter of Narcissus: A Family's Struggle to Survive Their Mother's Narcissistic Personality Disorder (2009) - Donaldson-Pressman, S & Pressman, RM The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment (1997)
- Golomb, Elan Trapped in the Mirror - Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self (1995)
- Hotchkiss, Sandy & Masterson, James F.James F. MastersonJames F. Masterson was a prominent American psychiatrist.James Francis Masterson was born March 25, 1926, in Elkins Park, Pennsylvania. He was an internationally recognized psychiatrist who helped inaugurate a new approach to the study and treatment of personality disorders including borderline...
Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism (2003) - see Chapter 9 - The Narcissistic Parent - McBride, Karyl Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (2009)
- Miller A The Drama of the Gifted Child, How Narcissistic Parents Form and Deform the Emotional Lives of their Talented Children (1981)
- Payson, Eleanor The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family (2002) - see Chapter 5