Emotional blackmail
Encyclopedia
Emotional blackmail is a term used to cover a central form of psychological manipulation
- 'the use of a system of threats and punishment on a person by someone close to them in an attempt to control their behavior'. "Emotional blackmail... typically involves two people who have established a close personal or intimate relationship (mother and daughter, husband and wife, sister and sister, two close friends)." When 'subjected to emotional blackmail, we become the other's emotional hostage: "If you don't give me that, you will be responsible for my breakdown"'.
in which blackmailers who are close to the victim threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish
them to get what they want. They may know the victim's vulnerabilities and their deepest secrets. "Many of the people who use emotional blackmail are friends, colleagues and family members with whom we have close ties that we want to strengthen and salvage" - parents, partners, bosses or lovers. No matter how much the blackmailer cares about the victim, they use their intimate knowledge to win compliance
.
Knowing that the victim wants love, approval or confirmation of identity
, blackmailers may threaten to withhold them or take them away altogether, or make the victim feel they must earn them: 'as the power of emotional blackmail indicates, self-identity is inevitably affected by...the "reaction" of the other', as is self-esteem
. If the victim believes the blackmailer, he/she could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer control his/her decisions and behavior - 'caught in a sort of psychological fog'.
Emotional blackmailers use fear
, obligation
and guilt
in their relationships, ensuring that the victim feels afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and feeling guilty if they don't: indeed 'Susan Forward & Donna Frazier invent the acronym FOG, standing for Fear, Obligation, Guilt - feelings which often result from being exposed to emotional blackmail when in a relationship with a person who suffers from a personality disorder
'.
"'My way or the highway' is the punisher's motto. No matter what you feel or need, punishers override you." "Tantalizers are the most subtle blackmailers... offer nothing with a free heart." By contrast, "self-punishers cast their targets in the role of the 'grown-up' - the only adult in the relationship... supposed to come running when they cry", while sufferers take the position that "if... you don't do what I want, I will suffer, and it will be your fault." The kind of 'omnipotence
gained by causing anxiety in others is only rivalled by the "power of the pathetic", the means whereby we are disabled from saying no to someone...because of how guilty they make us feel'.
Some, however, would suggest that while 'the term "emotional blackmail" implies some sort of devious, planned intent...people with BPD who appear to be blackmailing usually act impulsively out of fear, loneliness, desperation, and hopelessness'.
- the status insecurity derived from obsessively Keeping up with the Joneses
- has been linked by Oliver James
to a pattern of childhood training whereby sufferers were 'subjected to a form of emotional blackmail as toddlers. Their mothers' love becomes conditional on exhibiting behaviour that achieved parental goals'.
More widely, 'in the nexal family
...each person is expected to be controlled, and to control the others, by the reciprocal effect that each has on the other...may then act on the other person to coerce him (by sympathy, blackmail, indebtedness, guilt, gratitude or naked violence)'. Growing up in such a family will produce 'an acuity and sensitivity to subtext
: "I became an expert in emotional blackmail by the time I was five"'.
However, while often presented solely as victims, conversely 'children employ tactics of resistance - deceit, Special Pleading
, and emotional blackmail - whereby they gain a measure of control over their lives, writing their own narratives of maturation'.
, resisting demands, "a power statement... 'I can stand it'", and buying time to break old patterns. Others describe how in the face of emotional blackmail they 'never failed to feel a tinge of guilt at such times, even though I knew my guilt was "irrational" and was playing into her manipulative hands'; but were nevertheless able, on realising that they were 'overcompensating...to just more or less ignore it as you would a child who throws a tantrum
just to get attention'.
'What happens if the other person doesn't comply with the manipulation, but just goes on being pleasant and friendly...[is] your manipulation steadily amplifies...there will be arguments, emotional pressures, even separations'. Thus "when one person changes the signals by pulling out of the family system," they may find others "brand the victim, crazy, unforgiving or a family wrecker."
emotional blackmail has been misused as a defence against any form of fellow-feeling: 'The English talk of emotional blackmail, the mere idea that you should have to contemplate the feelings of others, becomes a threat to personal freedom. So generosity, kindness, consideration are all transformed into the curse of emotional blackmail'.
as '"an advertisement for moral blackmail"...at the end of the story the Beast performs an act of pure emotional blackmail: "I'm dying, Beauty...since you've left me"...conditioned emotional susceptibility condemns Beauty to continuing impairment and possession by the male'.
In the twenty-first century novel, The Beckoners, when the heroine Zoe tries urgently to get her mother to listen to her problem, she is put off with the words, '"That is emotional blackmail, Zoe". Ah, another one of her tapes. A series she'd started listening to since they'd moved. Emotional Blackmail - What Is It and Do You Do It? Emotional Blackmail at Work - The Invisible Tiger. Parenting and Emotional Blackmail - How To Parent Effectively Without Emotionally Blackmailing Your Children. '
Psychological manipulation
Psychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the perception or behavior of others through underhanded, deceptive, or even abusive tactics. By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at the other's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative,...
- 'the use of a system of threats and punishment on a person by someone close to them in an attempt to control their behavior'. "Emotional blackmail... typically involves two people who have established a close personal or intimate relationship (mother and daughter, husband and wife, sister and sister, two close friends)." When 'subjected to emotional blackmail, we become the other's emotional hostage: "If you don't give me that, you will be responsible for my breakdown"'.
Susan Forward
According to psychotherapist Susan Forward, who did much to popularise the term, "emotional blackmail" is a powerful form of manipulationPsychological manipulation
Psychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the perception or behavior of others through underhanded, deceptive, or even abusive tactics. By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at the other's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative,...
in which blackmailers who are close to the victim threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish
Punishment (psychology)
In operant conditioning, punishment is any change in a human or animal's surroundings that occurs after a given behavior or response which reduces the likelihood of that behavior occurring again in the future. As with reinforcement, it is the behavior, not the animal, that is punished...
them to get what they want. They may know the victim's vulnerabilities and their deepest secrets. "Many of the people who use emotional blackmail are friends, colleagues and family members with whom we have close ties that we want to strengthen and salvage" - parents, partners, bosses or lovers. No matter how much the blackmailer cares about the victim, they use their intimate knowledge to win compliance
Compliance (psychology)
Compliance refers to a response — specifically, a submission — made in reaction to a request. The request may be explicit or implicit . The target may or may not recognize that he or she is being urged to act in a particular way.Social psychology is centered on the idea of social influence...
.
Knowing that the victim wants love, approval or confirmation of identity
Identity (social science)
Identity is a term used to describe a person's conception and expression of their individuality or group affiliations . The term is used more specifically in psychology and sociology, and is given a great deal of attention in social psychology...
, blackmailers may threaten to withhold them or take them away altogether, or make the victim feel they must earn them: 'as the power of emotional blackmail indicates, self-identity is inevitably affected by...the "reaction" of the other', as is self-esteem
Self-esteem
Self-esteem is a term in psychology to reflect a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame: some would distinguish how 'the self-concept is what we think about the self; self-esteem, the...
. If the victim believes the blackmailer, he/she could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer control his/her decisions and behavior - 'caught in a sort of psychological fog'.
Emotional blackmailers use fear
Fear
Fear is a distressing negative sensation induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger...
, obligation
Obligation
An obligation is a requirement to take some course of action, whether legal or moral. There are also obligations in other normative contexts, such as obligations of etiquette, social obligations, and possibly...
and guilt
Guilt
Guilt is the state of being responsible for the commission of an offense. It is also a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that...
in their relationships, ensuring that the victim feels afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and feeling guilty if they don't: indeed 'Susan Forward & Donna Frazier invent the acronym FOG, standing for Fear, Obligation, Guilt - feelings which often result from being exposed to emotional blackmail when in a relationship with a person who suffers from a personality disorder
Personality disorder
Personality disorders, formerly referred to as character disorders, are a class of personality types and behaviors. Personality disorders are noted on Axis II of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or DSM-IV-TR of the American Psychiatric Association.Personality disorders are...
'.
Four faces of blackmail
Forward and Frazier distinguished what they called "Four Faces of Blackmail": punishers, self-punishers, sufferers and tantalizers, each with their own particular style of mental manipulation."'My way or the highway' is the punisher's motto. No matter what you feel or need, punishers override you." "Tantalizers are the most subtle blackmailers... offer nothing with a free heart." By contrast, "self-punishers cast their targets in the role of the 'grown-up' - the only adult in the relationship... supposed to come running when they cry", while sufferers take the position that "if... you don't do what I want, I will suffer, and it will be your fault." The kind of 'omnipotence
Omnipotence
Omnipotence is unlimited power. Monotheistic religions generally attribute omnipotence to only the deity of whichever faith is being addressed...
gained by causing anxiety in others is only rivalled by the "power of the pathetic", the means whereby we are disabled from saying no to someone...because of how guilty they make us feel'.
Borderline personality disorder
According to Harriet Braiker, people with borderline personality disorder are particularly likely to use emotional blackmail. In a similar way, "the destructive narcissist appears to feel that they have a right to exploit others... will resort to emotional blackmail... and/or promote shame and guilt."Some, however, would suggest that while 'the term "emotional blackmail" implies some sort of devious, planned intent...people with BPD who appear to be blackmailing usually act impulsively out of fear, loneliness, desperation, and hopelessness'.
Affluenza, children and emotional blackmail
AffluenzaAffluenza
Affluenza, from affluence and influenza, is a term used by critics of capitalism and consumerism. Sources define it as follows:Proponents of the term consider that the prizing of endless increases in material wealth may lead to feelings of worthlessness and dissatisfaction rather than experiences...
- the status insecurity derived from obsessively Keeping up with the Joneses
Keeping up with the Joneses
"Keeping up with the Joneses" is an idiom in many parts of the English-speaking world referring to the comparison to one's neighbor as a benchmark for social caste or the accumulation of material goods...
- has been linked by Oliver James
Oliver James
Oliver James is a clinical psychologist, journalist, bestselling book author, and television documentary producer. and presenter He also frequently broadcasts on radio and acts as a pundit on television...
to a pattern of childhood training whereby sufferers were 'subjected to a form of emotional blackmail as toddlers. Their mothers' love becomes conditional on exhibiting behaviour that achieved parental goals'.
More widely, 'in the nexal family
Family nexus
The term family nexus was used by the psychiatrist R D Laing to describe a common viewpoint held and reinforced by the majority of family members regarding events in the family and relationships with the world...
...each person is expected to be controlled, and to control the others, by the reciprocal effect that each has on the other...may then act on the other person to coerce him (by sympathy, blackmail, indebtedness, guilt, gratitude or naked violence)'. Growing up in such a family will produce 'an acuity and sensitivity to subtext
Subtext
Subtext or undertone is content of a book, play, musical work, film, video game, or television series which is not announced explicitly by the characters but is implicit or becomes something understood by the observer of the work as the production unfolds. Subtext can also refer to the thoughts...
: "I became an expert in emotional blackmail by the time I was five"'.
However, while often presented solely as victims, conversely 'children employ tactics of resistance - deceit, Special Pleading
Special pleading
Special pleading is a form of spurious argumentation where a position in a dispute introduces favorable details or excludes unfavorable details by alleging a need to apply additional considerations without proper criticism of these considerations themselves. Essentially, this involves someone...
, and emotional blackmail - whereby they gain a measure of control over their lives, writing their own narratives of maturation'.
Resisting
Susan Forward - stressing that "Honoring and protecting our integrity isn't easy. Blackmailers shout down our inner guidance... contact with the knowing parts of ourselves" - designated several techniques for resisting emotional blackmail, including strengthening personal boundariesPersonal boundaries
Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits.'Personal boundaries define...
, resisting demands, "a power statement... 'I can stand it'", and buying time to break old patterns. Others describe how in the face of emotional blackmail they 'never failed to feel a tinge of guilt at such times, even though I knew my guilt was "irrational" and was playing into her manipulative hands'; but were nevertheless able, on realising that they were 'overcompensating...to just more or less ignore it as you would a child who throws a tantrum
Tantrum
A tantrum is an emotional outburst, usually associated with children or those in emotional distress, that is typically characterized by stubbornness, crying, screaming, yelling, shrieking, defiance, angry ranting, a resistance to attempts at pacification and, in some cases, violence...
just to get attention'.
'What happens if the other person doesn't comply with the manipulation, but just goes on being pleasant and friendly...[is] your manipulation steadily amplifies...there will be arguments, emotional pressures, even separations'. Thus "when one person changes the signals by pulling out of the family system," they may find others "brand the victim, crazy, unforgiving or a family wrecker."
Criticism
Critics object that in popular psychologyPopular psychology
The term popular psychology refers to concepts and theories about human mental life and behavior that are purportedly based on psychology and that attain popularity among the general population...
emotional blackmail has been misused as a defence against any form of fellow-feeling: 'The English talk of emotional blackmail, the mere idea that you should have to contemplate the feelings of others, becomes a threat to personal freedom. So generosity, kindness, consideration are all transformed into the curse of emotional blackmail'.
Fictional examples
Beauty and the Beast was described by Angela CarterAngela Carter
Angela Carter was an English novelist and journalist, known for her feminist, magical realism, and picaresque works...
as '"an advertisement for moral blackmail"...at the end of the story the Beast performs an act of pure emotional blackmail: "I'm dying, Beauty...since you've left me"...conditioned emotional susceptibility condemns Beauty to continuing impairment and possession by the male'.
In the twenty-first century novel, The Beckoners, when the heroine Zoe tries urgently to get her mother to listen to her problem, she is put off with the words, '"That is emotional blackmail, Zoe". Ah, another one of her tapes. A series she'd started listening to since they'd moved. Emotional Blackmail - What Is It and Do You Do It? Emotional Blackmail at Work - The Invisible Tiger. Parenting and Emotional Blackmail - How To Parent Effectively Without Emotionally Blackmailing Your Children. '