...and there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: NUCLEAR FUCKIN' WEAPONS! OK?!

I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day!

NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil! We love you, you giant fucking "Q"!

I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, merry fucking Christmas!

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies, so I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time! I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all around my neck, I'll be Tracheotomy Man! He can smoke a pack at a time, he's Tracheotomy Man!

"I'm just not happy, I'm just not happy". Hey, join the fucking club! I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox: Life sucks, get a fucking helmet! Okay?

Ted Kennedy, a good senator but a bad date you know what I mean? "What'd I forget? Goddamit the fuckin' girl! Jesus Christ where are my pants?"

We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks.