Story and Screenplay by: Johnston McCulley, Hal Dresner, Greg Alt, Don Moriarty, and Bob Randall

Directed by: Peter Medak

Dialogue

[Don Diego is lounging in his bed with a beautiful woman.]

Veronica: Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm a good wife?

Don Diego: Veronica… you are more exciting than Venus herself.

Veronica: Then why doesn't my husband ever say that?

Don Diego: Because he's not intelligent. He is not intuitive. He is not insightful.

[A man leaps through an open but curtained door.]

Don Garcia: And he is not in Barcelona!

. . .

Don Diego: Don Garcia, I am astonished you would enter my house without my permission!

Don Garcia: I might say the same thing about you with my wife!

Don Diego: I do not wish to insult you, my dear Garcia, but I could fight four men such as you!

Don Garcia: You are quite right, Don Diego.

Don Diego: You see?

Don Garcia: That is why I brought my FIVE BROTHERS!

[Diego arrives in Los Angeles.]

Don Diego: Los Angeles de California. The birthplace… of me.

Don Diego: That is, uh, my servant, Paco. He is a mute. He cannot speak.

Captain Esteban: Oh, excellent! Perhaps he can give lessons to my wife.

Captain Esteban: Your father, I'm sorry to say, had a terrible accident.

Don Diego: Accident?

Captain Esteban: Sí. He was out riding when his horse was frightened by a turtle.

. . .

Captain Esteban: My friend — I want you to know that the turtle who caused this has been executed.

[The landowners meet to elect a new Alcalde.]

Captain Esteban: Caballeros! I believe you all know each other?

Don Diego: Don Diego from San Fernando.

Don Francisco: Don Francisco from San Jose.

Don Fernando: Don Fernando from San Diego.

Don Jose: Don Jose from San Bernardino.

Luis Obispo: Luis Obispo from Bakersfield.

[A peasant is being stretched on the rack.]

Captain Esteban: That man was three pesos short in paying his taxes. I can assure you that he will never be short again.

Captain Esteban: Arrest that woman! Now!

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No, wait! Isn't this the village square, where according to law, everyone is allowed to speak his or her mind?

Captain Esteban: You're right, Señorita. [yelling to the crowd] The woman is allowed to speak! But arrest anyone who listens.

. . .

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [to the crowd] Let your voices be heard! Oppose the… greedy bloodsuckers!

[She drops her pamphlets. Diego picks them up and hands them to her.]

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Thank you. I'm Charlotte Taylor Wilson. I'm with the People's Independence Committee.

Don Diego: Don Diego Vega. I'm with the… greedy bloodsuckers.

Don Diego: The peoples are quite happy working the land for the caballeros!

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You don't really believe the people are happy?

Don Diego: [quietly] All I know is the soldiers are very happy shooting the peoples who say the peoples are not happy.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Could you tell me where I might find a decent inn?

Don Diego: An inn?! With all your talk about the people, I see you like decent inns! And you wear expensive clothes, not the rags. And you smell of the sultry perfumes, not the… ship oil.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Ship oil? [pauses in puzzlement] You mean the oil from boats?

Don Diego: No, ship oil, from the ships in the field.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [slowly] What ships… in the field?

Don Diego: Jou have never heard of the ships in the field? The little, uh… baa-waa-waas?

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Oh, you mean "sheep"!

Don Diego: Jes, that is what I said.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No, you said "ship"! Forgive me, but you have a very pronounced accent.

Don Diego: Jou're trying to change the subject from the fact that jou are actually… very wealthy.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I am not… very wealthy!

Don Diego: After all, what poor woman can afford three names? Answer me that if you can, Señorita [counting off on his fingers] Charlotte… Taylor… Wilson.

[Don Diego reads a letter from his deceased father that he finds among the Zorro accoutrements.]

Vega Sr.: The sword, with which to fight injustice. This mask, with which to deceive tyranny. And this hat, which needs… reblocking.

[While Diego was reading his father's letter, Paco has donned his own costume, which makes him look like a life-sized teddy bear.]

Don Diego: What're you supposed to be, eh, a… duck? A bear? Don't be silly — bears don't have ears like that. I will allow you that you are a… a pig, but that is as far as I will go. That's all.

[On the road, Don Diego has defeated an apparent brigand in swordplay.]

Tax Collector: I beg your mercy from- from your flashing blade, and—

[Paco shows up in bear regalia.]

Tax Collector: Ooooh! Oh my God! — also from your hideous dog!

[Diego returns the money — and then some — to the old man and his family.]

Diego Zorro: You recognize that famous sign, eh?

Old Man: Oh, yes, Señor. It is a number "2".

Diego Zorro: That is not a "2". That is a "Z"!

Old Man: Oh, if you say so, Señor! But in the school, that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a "2"!

Diego Zorro: Well, I say it is a "Z" — for "El Zorro"!

Diego Zorro: Spead the news… that he is back! To help the helpless! To befriend the friendless! And to defeat… the feetless!

[Zorro escorts Charlotte into the costume party, but Paco the "Bear" is stopped at the door.]

Guard: Where is your invitation, Señor Beaver?

[The "brigand", who turns out to be the Alcalde's henchman Velasquez, reports to Esteban about his misadventure.]

Velasquez: He said his name was, uh… "Zero". He was dressed all in black, and was accompanied by a… hideous dog.

[Florinda chats with the mysterious black-clad stranger.]

Florinda: You know, as the Alcalde's wife, I must play many, many, many roles, but the people only see the part I play in public. Only a few select friends know my private parts.

[Velasquez points out Zorro, who is dancing with Florinda.]

Captain Esteban: That man in the black sombrero — this is Zero?

Old Man: I am certain of it!

Captain Esteban: Then the hideous dog you refer to must be my wife, yeah?

[Zorro crosses swords with the Alcalde.]

Captain Esteban: Is your blade as sharp as your tongue?

Zorro: Is yours as dull as your wit?

. . .

Captain Esteban: You're a little clumsy, are you not, my friend?

Zorro: To be your friend, I would have to be more than clumsy — I would have to be estupid!

[Florinda, crawling up a ladder into Diego's bedroom, tells him about Zorro's party intrusion.]

Florinda: He made a complete fool out of Esteban. Ha ha!

Don Diego: Well, with Esteban, there is so much material to work with!

[Florinda moans about her miserable life with Esteban.]

Florinda: Do you realize… that we only make love 12 times a year?

Don Diego: Once a month is not too bad!

Florinda: I mean, 12 times in one night? And then, for the rest of the year — nothing!

Don Diego: Tell me… on that one night… does he eat anything especial? Oysters? Raw eggs?

Florinda: Garlic. A lot of garlic.

Don Diego: Ah!

Florinda: Diego, darling! Why didn't I marry you instead of him?

Don Diego: Perhaps because he asked you and I did not.

[A suspicious, crazed Esteban forces an injured Diego to demonstrate his ability to move about.]

Captain Esteban: Now walking and running and jumping in place, and…

Esteban, Diego: [in unison] … now walking and running and jumping in place, and now walking and jumping and running in place—

Captain Esteban: STOP!

[Captain Esteban confronts Don Diego at his home to determine if he is Zorro]

Captain Esteban:Now, lisp like a sissy

Don Diego:[lisps]

Captain Esteban:That's right! Now, swing your hips …

Captain Esteban:Excellent! Now flap your wrists …

Captain Esteban:And repeat after me [Esteban speaks in a greatly exaggerated sissy voice] "You naughty, naughty, evil Alcalde! I am going to do … many terrible things … TO YOU!" [laughs hysterically]

[After Esteban skewers the casket in which Florinda is hiding, he leaves. Diego opens the casket to find Florinda, pressed up against one side.]

Don Diego: Florinda, you're not hurt!

[She shakes her bosom.]

Florinda: Thank God for small favors!

[Diego is limping around on his broken foot.]

Don Diego: My father would be very ashamed of me now. To come all this distance, and miss my destiny by… a foot.

[The mute Paco gestures wildly at Diego.]

Don Diego: Are you yelling at me?

[A flamboyant stranger presents himself at Don Diego's home.]

Don Diego: I know you?

Bunny Wigglesworth: Know me? Sink me! We were once… womb-mates!

Bunny Wigglesworth: They say the Navy makes men. Well, I'm living proof — they made me.

[Diego's brother Ramon, now "Bunny Wigglesworth", heads inside to greet their father.]

Bunny Wigglesworth: … I ought to freshen up and say "Hi-ho!" to the old gent. Tell me, is he still as loud as ever?

[Diego looks crestfallen.]

Don Diego: No. The last month, he's been very… quiet.

[Diego senses a flaw in Bunny's impersonation of Zorro.]

Don Diego: Dere is-a something wrong with his bowels.

Bunny Wigglesworth: My what?

Don Diego: Jour bowels! The way you say your "ah", your "ee", and your… "jooz".

[During one of Bunny Zorro's appearances before the people…]

Bunny Zorro: And remember, my people — there is no shame in being poor, only dressing poorly!

[Outside Diego's home, Bunny is diguised as a priest wearing crisom velvet monk's robe.]

Captain Esteban: Tell me, Father — what order commands its priests to wear such strange clothes?

Bunny Wigglesworth: We are followers of Peter the Dressmaker. He who was Christ's tailor.

[As Bunny Zorro gets a head start on his escape…]

Captain Esteban: Ah, Padre, with your permission, I would like to make to you a small donation, if I may, to your order.

Bunny Zorro: Your horse and your gold are gift enough! The people thank you, Your Repugnancy!

Captain Esteban: Now you mock the Church! Now you have me and God against you!

Don Diego: Me too!

Captain Esteban: FRUITCAKE!

[After hatching his masked-ball plan to trap Zorro, Esteban embraces his wife passionately.]

Captain Esteban: Do you know… that little thing… we do… one night… every year?

Florinda: Yes! Oh, yes!

[Esteban drops her on the floor and walks off.]

Captain Esteban: We still have three months to go!

Florinda: You fink!

[Esteban, dressed rather appropriately as Henry VIII, addresses his guards before the ball.]

Captain Esteban: He is cunning! He is crafty. He's not just going to walk in here and say, "Here I am!"

[Diego, dressed as Zorro, enters the palace.]

Don Diego: Here I am!

[Diego admires Florinda's necklace.]

Don Diego: It looks like it'll buy the peoples a lot of houses, maybe even some schools and roads.

Florinda: Roads? What do the people need roads for? They never go anywhere.

[In the women's restroom, Bunny, dressed as a woman, continues to help/hassle Florinda.]

Florinda: If you don't stop touching me, I shall have you… destroyed!

[Florinda finally escapes Bunny and complains to her husband.]

Captain Esteban: Your neck!

Florinda: Did that woman bruise me? She's got hands like an gorilla!

[She drops her hands to her upper chest, where her necklace isn't.]

Esteban, Florinda: Neck! Neck! Neck! Neck!

Diego Zorro: Now I know it is permitted for a man to be… bulnerable.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: It's "vulnerable".

[As the Alcade's men approach, Zorro takes his leave of Miss Wilson.]

Diego Zorro: And when I return, we will not have to worry how to pronounce, ah, ah… "bir—"

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: "Virgin"!

[Esteban calls Zorro's bluff, forcing Zorro to surrender to prevent Charlotte's execution.]

Captain Esteban: I have always depended on people being nicer than me, and I have never in my life been disappointed.

[The guards move Charlotte away from and Diego onto the execution platform.]

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You're the bravest man I have ever met.

Don Diego: [nervously] I'm very impressed with myself, too.

Florinda: Isn't he marvelous?

Don Fernando: He wears clothes well. I could never get into his pants.

Florinda: I bet I could.

Guard: … you are sentenced to be executed… until you are dead!

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I have only one regret…

Diego Zorro: [to himself] One? I have one for every day I'm not going to live!

Bunny Zorro: Two bits, four bits / Six bits, a peso / All for Zorro / Stand up and say so!

Don Diego: What jou like for a wedding present?

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: For myself, nothing. But I thought for the people, you might donate your land.

Don Diego: I give my land to the peoples? If we give away my land, where you think we gonna live?

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Boston!

Don Diego: Boston?!

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: It's really the only civilized city. The best food, the best art, the best music!

Don Diego: The best music. You gotta be joking! I spent a week in Boston once, and I don't think I heard a decent Mariachi player in the city!