Directed by David Zucker. Written by Jerry Zucker.

Frank Drebin

• Lt Drebin, Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America!

• My name is Sgt. Frank Drebin! Detective Lieutenant of Police Squad!

Dialogue

Vincent Ludwig: Drebin!

Jane Spencer: Frank!

Frank Drebin: You're both right.

Vincent Ludwig: Inspector Drebin, welcome.

Frank Drebin: The feeling is mutual.

Vincent Ludwig: Nice to meet you too... He offers Drebin some cigars ... Cuban?

Frank Drebin: Err, no, Dutch-Irish, my father was from Wales.

Jane Spencer: Can I interest you in a night cap?

Frank Drebin: No, thank you, I don't wear them.

Mayor Barkley: Oh Drebin. I don't want any more trouble like you had last year on the southside. Understand? That's my policy.

Frank Drebin: Yes, well. When I see five weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in plain view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that's my policy.

Mayor Barkley: That was a Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar, you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!

Goon: Hey, Drebin! I've got a message for you from Vincent Ludwig!

Frank Drebin: I can't hear you, don't fire the gun while you talk!

[Frank seems to look up Jane's skirt as she climbs a ladder right in font of him]

Frank Drebin: Nice beaver!

Jane Spencer: Thanks, I just had it stuffed. [hands him a stuffed beaver]

Frank Drebin: I've been dating too. An author, she wrote the book on male sexual disfunction. You've proberly read it.

Quetin Hapsburg: I beg your pardon!

Frank Drebin: *sticks finger into a brown substance and puts it in his mouth* ...It tastes like..

Ted Olsen: That would be fertilizer, Frank! It's for another case!

Frank Drebin: *drinks and swishes around a yellow substance he finds in a glass jar*

Ted Olsen: Here, let me take that urine specimen from you Frank!

Mayor Barkley: Entering without a search warrant, destroying property, arson...sexual assault with a concrete dildo? What the hell were you doing there in the first place?