The L Word Quotations

The L Word was an American and Canadian co-production television drama series on Showtime portraying the lives of a group of lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and their friends, family and lovers in the trendy Los Angeles-area city of West Hollywood, California.

Pilot [1.01]

Bette: [holding a specimen cup of sperm] God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.

Dr. Wilson: All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused.

[Bette looks a tiny bit put off at the suggestion. The doctor turns the light off and winks at Bette then leaves the room. Bette turns toward Tina]

Bette: [laughs] She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here?

Tina: I think it would help.

Dana: When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.

Alice: Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.

Dana: [to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.

Marina: Well, between the four of us, we'll come up with someone. What, he has to be healthy, strong, creative, handsome...

Tina: Artistic.

[Shane enters the cafe]

Dana: There's always Shane.

[as Jenny walks by The Planet for the first time, Dana ogles her. Everyone stares at Dana]

Dana: What?

Alice: You are *so* gay.

Tina: [rolling eyes] *So* gay.

[Dana slumps a little, tossing up a hand]

Dana: I know. I know.

[Bette enters The Planet and sees Dana]

Bette: Is that Dana Fairbanks? Hanging out at The Planet in West Hollywood?

Alice: Shh! She doesn't want her tennis fans to know she's a *gay lady*.

Dana: [gives Alice a hostile look] Funny.

Bette: Have you ever noticed that every time Shane walks into a room someone leaves crying?

[re Marina and Jenny's uncanny immediate connection]

Alice: Huh? Whatever, I'm just... gonna leave you two alone to get married!

Shane: It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.

Dana: What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.

Shane: Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.

Alice: Oh, my God, it's Yoda.

Dana: Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.

Bette: Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

Instructor: Now everyone. Drop your heads. Close your eyes and set your intentions. Why are you here? To gossip with your friends? Or to change your body? What do you want to get out of the next forty minutes?

[the students start peddling harder]

Dana: [to Tina, re: Instructor] A good look at your spectacular tits would be nice.

[Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out]

Dana: I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?

Tina: It has to do with her attitude.

Dana: I've got attitude!

Marina: It's because she's so witholding.

Tina: No, it's because she's so confident.

Dana: No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.

Alice: [firmly] Dana, she's your friend.

Tina: It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.

Dana: What do you mean it's because of her nipples?

Tina: She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.

Alice: Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!

Tina: Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.

Alice: I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.

[Marina is buying groceries where Jenny works]

Marina: [to Jenny] Come on, I want to see you check me out.

Alice: Ooh, ooh, ooh. Now she's cute. And I haven't seen her before, is it possible?

Shane: Fresh meat.

Alice: New blood.

Dana: Cris-pay!

[Alice shakes her head at Dana]

Alice: Uh-uh.

Bette: Well.. Maybe she's a different kind of lesbian.

Shane: Yeah. The straight one.

Season 4

Bette: Can I get a sippy cup? Does anybody have a sippy cup!?

Max: I don't expect Carmen to forgive Shane anytime soon, but I do. So should you. I mean, I forgive you.

Jenny: What? What the fuck do you forgive me for? I haven't changed who I am, Max.

Max: I just don't know why we can't work it out.

Jenny: Because you identify as a straight man. So there's the mismatch because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. And you're not a girl.

Waiter: Refill?

Helena: [Wistfully] No, I don't think I can afford it.

Alice: Helena, it's free.

Helena: [Tearing up] I had no idea it could feel this warm and fuzzy being poor.

Jenny: There's Gabby Deveaux.

Helena: Whoa, that's a lot of hookups.

Alice: Yeah, she's a whore.

Alice: [reading OurChart IM] "Tonight 10pm I'll be there, will you?" Sure you will, Papi.

Tina: You call your computer "Papi?"

Alice: Oh No, it's this girl on OurChart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been?

[Tina laughs]

Alice: Ohhh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of heteroville. That's right.

Tina: [sarcastically] Yes, it's so scary.

Alice: Oooh, scary.

Tina: I think I remember you lurking around there a couple years ago.

Alice: Yes, but I did come to my senses. That's the difference between you and me.

Shane: Helena hates me, doesn't she?

Alice: No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?

Shane: Really? Well then, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?

Alice: You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?

Shane: What?

Jenny: And do you know what "Merkin" means, Jolene? Vagina wig. That's what her name means.

Helena: I will pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects.

Bette: [laughing on the phone] Oh my God, that sounds awful. She did NOT say "a mixer for our gay and our straight friends."

Alice: Thank God you're here, we're totally outnumbered.

Bette: What do you mean?

Alice: Straight people.

Bette: Oh, Jesus.

Blonde Woman: Your daughter is adorable.

Bette: Thank you.

Blonde Woman: What would you do if one day she decided she wants to live with her father?

Tina: We don't call him "the father," we call him the donor.

Bette: I really don't think that's going to happen.

Brad: Sorry, excuse me, I know you don't want it to happen, but kids have minds of their own. I'm sure your parents would rather you weren't a lesbian, you know.

Bette: My parents are dead.

Brad: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here.

Bette: An honest homophobe... how nice.

Alice: Shane!

Papi: Shane?

Alice: Ahh, this ought to be interesting.

[showdown music]

Shane: Hey, hey.

Papi: You're Shane?

Shane: [shoots tequila, exhales] Whew! [addresses Papi] Yeah.

Papi: You're just a skinny little white girl.

Shane: [looks down at herself] Oh. Yeah, I guess I am.

Alice: Shane!

Shane: [distractedly] What?

Alice: This is Papi.

Shane: Who?

Alice: Papi.

Shane: So what?

Papi: So, I'm your competition.

Shane: Oh. Oh, OK. Well, you know, I don't know exactly what we're competing for, but, uh, you win. So, it was nice meeting you.

Papi: Don't be mad, Brown Barbie.

Bette: Who the fuck you calling "Brown Barbie?" You fucking Carmelita Tropicana.

Shane: He has a playdate with his friend.

Bette: Nice! That's probably the last word on earth I expected to be uttered from your lips.

Alice: [sarcastically] Wait, is this a lesson on writing from Jenny Schecter? Let me get a pen!

Jenny: Grab a pad too!

Jenny: Do you hear that? Oh my God, It's Monet...Monet has come back from the dead, and he wants me to give you a message. He say's "I am so sorry for sitting infront of my pond in France and sketching those water lillies, and using the water lillies as actual inspiration. Sorry to offend Alice."

Alice: Oh wait he's talking to me, so weird...

Alice: [Talking to herself] Okay, I'll tell her.

Alice: [Back to Jenny] He says don't ever fucking compare yourself to him!

Seasons 1 and 2

Season 1:Shane: [over beer and cards, each time someone walks in] Hey (whoever walks in), liquor in the front, poker in the rear! *hip thrust*

Shane: [To Cherie Jaffe] You know, my entire life people have said that I would become a psychopath if I didn't learn how to feel. And I wanna know, Cherie, what the fuck is so great about feeling? Because I finally let myself, and I feel like my heart's been completely ripped out.

[Dana and Tonya have gone to see Dana's parents to get their blessing for the wedding]

Tonya: Sharon... I was engaged once before, I don't know if Dana ever told you.

Sharon Fairbanks: No, she didn't

Tonya: Well... his name was Bayard, he was smart and successful, he was a real estate lawyer. He was totally in love with me... Now I tried really hard to make that one work. But every night I would wake up in the middle of the night, crying. And one night, Bayard work up and he found me like that. Do you know what he did?

Irwin Fairbanks: Damned if I do.

Tonya: He got down on one knee, and he said, "Tonya, will you not marry me? Because I know what's in your heart. And I love you too much to make you unhappy. Be true to yourself Tonya. Follow your heart".

[Sharon begins to cry and Dana and Tonya hug her]

Alice: [whispering in Dana's ear] I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on.

Alice: [sitting down in a cafe to enjoy a nice afternoon with one another because The Planet is closed] Does she know that we're having coffee?

Dana: Um... She's in New Port beach with her family.

[Alice nods]

Dana: No... no she doesn't know but, I'm not hiding it.

Alice: Well, if she was at the beach we could have met at your place, like the good old days.

[waves fist in the air]

Dana: But, we have rules and we're trying to follow them.

[looking down at the table, or anywhere else that's not Alice's face]

Alice: Does that mean that you're finding it difficult?

[also looking away from Dana]

Dana: No... no not at all, you?

Alice: Piece of cake.

[they look at each other and smile]

Dana: [apologizing to Lara] Can I please try again? I really want to try again. Can I?

Lara Perkins: One thing.

Dana: [holding back tears] Anything.

Lara Perkins: You have to start at least taking some steps towards being out.

Dana: I will.

Lara Perkins: Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet.

Dana: I know.

Lara Perkins: And you are really, really gay.

Dana: [almost laughing] I know.

Lara Perkins: And it's one of the things I like so much about you. If you hide that, you're hiding the best part.

[they kiss]

Alice: [Seeing Dana and Tonya dressed alike] "What is with the twin thing? Are they merging already?"

[Kit and female dancers are filming a music video in hoochie outfits]

Bette: Shit. I feel like I did this.

Tina: No, look she's having fun!

Bette: She's being mounted!

Alice: This coffee tastes like poopie-shit! Where's Marina?

Shane: [Shane and Alice are at the Planet talking when they see annoying Tonya walk in] Oh shit.

Alice: [Looking over and seeing Tonya] Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do some - uh, pretend I'm upset.

Shane: What? What?

Alice: [Alice puts down her knitting and turns toward Shane and pokes her. Shane quickly sits up and puts her magazine down] Put your arm around me!

[Shane does]

Alice: Um... I'll just start sobbing, and... [she tries to sound like she's crying while Shane continues to pretend to comfort her] ... obviously it'll be a really intimate moment... I mean... no halfway-sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting.

[Shane shakes her head, still going along]

Tonya: Guys! You guys!

[Tonya sits at their table, completely unaware of their private moment. Alice and Shane make faces, then go back to what they were doing]

Tonya: This place is falling apart! [gasps] Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?

Tonya: [completely shocked] Bette is still *schtuping* the carpenter?

Alice: Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy.

Shane: I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her.

Alice: Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.

Shane: Huh.

Shane: [Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...

Tonya: [to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.

Dana: You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!

Shane: Her hair.

Dana: Ah.

Kit: Let me talk to Tina.

Bette: What would you say?

Kit: That my sister is a pootie chasin' dog, who deserves to be tied down and whupped upside the head, but it doesn't change the fact that she loves you more than she loves her own life. And that you should finish punishing her and get back to figuring on how to live with one another for the next 50 years or more.

Bette: You could give it a try.

[Goes to take a bite of food, and stops, looking as if she's about to cry]

Kit: Now don't you go and pull a Marina on me now.

[after Tina rebuffs her attempt at reconciliation yet again]

Bette: Tina!

Alice: Dana.

[short pause]

Alice: You have a really nice ass.

[slowly moves her hand and touches Dana's ass]

[they start having rough sex with '80s pop music in background]

[after Tina tells her she wants to start seeing Bette again]

Helena Peabody: [condescendingly] Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think we were exclusive?

[after Alice tells Gabby off exactly as Bette and Tina told her to]

Gabby Deveaux: Emotional cripple? Where did you get that from? Dr. Phil?

Alice: Get out of my house.

Gabby Deveaux: Whatev. Suit yourself.

[starts to leave]

Gabby Deveaux: But this is not a good move for someone like you. Everyone knows you're desperate. There's no way you're going to bounce back from this.

Alice: [talking about admitting that they are attracted to each other] Well, we just took the first step, we took the power out of it.

Dana: [they slow down their stretching and begin to stare at each other. Dana kinda snaps out of it] I think we need to take the second step. [she jogs off]

Alice: [nodding] Yeah, okay.

Alice: [little bit later on] We need to counteract it. We just need to avoid all situations where we find each other most attractive.

Dana: Mm-hmm.

Alice: We need, like... rules of un-attraction.

Dana: Okay, like never be alone together, in places like the bathroom at The Planet.

Alice: Right! Never be alone together.

Dana: Especially never be alone together... in places where's there's like a bed or a couch.

Alice: Right, or - or - a table... or a floor...

[Dana smiles]

Alice: Or the backseat of a car.

Dana: [smiling] Ooh, that'd be good.... That wouldn't be good!

Alice: Okay, you need to stop showing up at The Planet after you've worked out, when you're all sweaty and your veins are all popping all over the place.

Dana: You like that? [Alice raises her eyebrows] Tonya hates that. Alright, well then you can't wear those shirts any more.

Alice: What shirts?

Dana: You know, the ones where... [grinning] they cling to you in some places and fall off you in others? ;;

[Alice has a huge grin on her face. Dana kind of rolls her eyes]

Dana: Fuck you.

Alice: Okay, that's totally against the rules.

Dana: [after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.

Alice: Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.

Shane: True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.

Dana: How can you tell?

Alice: You read the signals.

Dana: That's my problem.

Shane: Dana, it's not a problem. Alright?

[Dana rolls her eyes]

Shane: No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.

Dana: No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.

Alice: You don't have gaydar.

Dana: No.

Alice: You're so right, you don't have it!

Alice: [to Shane after finding out that her mom, Lenore, kissed Shane] Hey, sorry you got Lenored!

Alice: [she and Shane are trying to teach Dana gaydar, and she's pointing out a woman facing away from them at the counter] What is she?

Dana: [hesitates] A customer?

[Shane shakes her head]

Dana: I don't know!

Shane: Dana, look at her fingernails, are they long or short?

Alice: Are they polished or natural?

'Dana: They're long and polished. [she looks at Alice] Sooo, she's... [looks to Alice to see if she will fill in the blank]

Shane: Leaning to straight, but we still need more info.

Alice: [in response to Dana's frustrated sigh] Look at the shoes.

Dana: High-heeled sandals.

Alice: With tapered jeans.

Alice: [in response to Dana's very flummoxed expression] Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans?

Dana: [looking back and forth between Shane and Alice, looking very confused] Yes?

Alice: [firmly] No.

Bette: [trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.

Dana: Well, she sends me food.

Bette: Mmmhmmm.

Dana: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.

Tina: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?

Dana: No, she just sends them.

Bette: But she hasn't spoken to you.

Dana: No.

Shane: Ask her out.

Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.

Dana: Exactly.

Alice: [rolling her eyes] Please don't encourage her.

Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.

Alice: [gasping] You mean?

Bette: I mean.

Dana: [laughing but obviously clueless] What?

Bette: [smiling] We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Shane: [to Bette who has answered the door in her bathrobe] Hi, were you sleeping?

Bette: Not exactly.

Alice: Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered.

Bette: So the logical conclusion was just to come over?

Alice: No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing, Shane and I are totally capable of handling that, but this one has major relationship stuff.

Bette: Uh-huh.

Shane: Yeah, I think at this point she needs expert advice.

Dana: [Looking very sheepish and pitiful] I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry.

Bette: [smiling] It's okay Dana. We were finished.

Dana: [realizing what Bette means] Oh my God...

Shane: [realizing that they are in Tina and Bette's bedroom right after Tina's been inseminated] Wait. So, we could be here at the moment of conception.

Bette: [smiling] You could. Yes.

Shane: Well then, I'm really sorry. Would you like us to leave?

Bette: [smiling] That would be too late.

Alice: [Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay] All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.

Bette: Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she [gestures with hand] moves that chopping knife.

Shane: Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.

Alice: Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.

Tina: Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight.

Alice: Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.

Bette: You know what we have to do.

[They all look at Shane who looks back warily]

Dana: [Having walked into the country club kitchen looking for Lara and finding her] Hey...

Lara: [looking up, seeing Dana gets a huge smile on her face] Hey!

[Continues to look at Dana, and cuts her thumb]

Lara: Ow!

Dana: [freaking out] Oh, my god! Oh! oh, my god, I'm sorry, I...

Lara: It's okay...

Dana: [still freaking out] Ah, Jesus, you're disfigured!

Lara: [smiling and calm] I'm not disfigured.

Dana: [panicked] But I could've killed you! When you were [makes chopping motion] ... you know...

Lara: [still smiling] It happens all the time.

Dana: Well, should we call a doctor?

Lara: [giggling] Dana!

[holds up hand, counting off fingers]

Lara: Second-degree burn from the bechamel sauce. Run-away shish-kabob. An attack from a particularly hostile live lobster, and, um, electric can-opener.

Dana: [blushing] Is there anything I can do?

Lara: [holding up thumb] You could kiss it and make it better.

Dana: [blushing then looking serious] Um. I was wondering if maybe sometime...

Lara: I would love to.

Dana: Really?

[Lara smiles and nods]

Dana: Okay! Is Thursday night okay?

Lara: Thursday night is great.

Dana: Where do you wanna go?

Lara: Anywhere you're going.

Dana: Yeah, but you're a food person. So, I want to take you someplace really good. Like L'Orangerie.

Lara: No, no, no, that's way too expensive.

Dana: I know. I'll take care of it.

Lara: We're not starting out that way. Um... there's - there's this little place in Koreatown that I've been dying to check out.

Dana: Do I need to make a reservation?

Lara: How about if I take care of that part, and you just pick me up at 8?

Dana: Okay.

Bette: [to Alice about her thing with Gabby who treats her like crap] It has to end.

Tina: But seriously, Alice, you can't let Gabby continue to treat you this way.

Alice: You guys don't know her. I know it looks like she's treating me like shit, but... it's... she's just, y'know....

Tina: Treating you like shit, Al.

Alice: Maybe, it's just...

Bette: No. It's just you deserve better.

Alice: I do?
[everyone makes a face]

Alice: Alright, I do. But... I just feel like at times, she's, like, so right there, and I feel like we connect and then, all of a sudden, she acts like I don't even exist.

Tina: That's because she's an emotional cripple.

Bette: Yeah. Emotional cripple slash narcissistic personality disorder.

Tina: And the next time she calls you? You have to end it.

Alice: I know. It's just...

Bette: [firmly] It's just nothing.

Tina: What are you gonna do?

Alice: Well, I was gonna ask her...

Bette: No asking.

Tina: What are you gonna tell her?
[Alice laughs]
Tina: You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."

Bette: [continuing] "It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."

Tina: "And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."

Bette: "So step off, bitch!"
[Dana and Alice crack up, Bette gets up to answer her phone]
Tina: Do it.

[Jenny is writing. Scenes from the party are intercut with a hallucination of her English professor as Abraxas]

Jenny: I'm sitting in the chair, writhing in agony. A demon, a minor demon, is pinning me there, fucking with my head. 'Abraxas', he says, 'I'm Abraxas, the demon of lies and deceit'.

Abraxas: So, what do you want to know about lies, my dear?

Jenny: I'm not a liar, I try again to get up. This time I'm flayed, splayed. I feel myself screaming.

Abraxas: I'll tell you about lies. There are white lies and black lies, and many shades of grey lies. Some lies are justified. Lies told out of kindness, lies that preserve dignity, lies that spare pain.

[Scenes of people at the party telling lies]
Abraxas: Everybody's a liar, dear.

Lady on Intercom: Reviva. Who is it?

Alice: Uhh... yeah, uh... Alice Peters, I have an appointment.

Lady on Intercom: I don't understand. What do you want?

Alice: [enunciating] I have an appointment.

Lady on Intercom: For what? What do you want?

Alice: All right, I need to get my vagina rejuvenated!

[Alice looks around quickly to see if anyone heard]
Lady on Intercom: Well, why didn't you just say so?

Shane: No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.

Alice: Some of us have it worst, Dana, you know. Some of us are dating lesbian men.

Jenny: [Takes a sip of water] I never said I was a lesbian.

Annette: So it just came outta no where and bit you on the ass like that? Cause I mean... I love women... yeah I mean, for the companionship. I figure I could do without the company of men entirely except, dude, I can't get down with the puss... I love a dick.

Jenny: I think I'm bisexual.

Annette: Oh brother...

Jenny: [Interrupting] I do... I really do.

Annette: Jenny, is this just your way of telling me that you had a crush on me in college?

Jenny: Annette... no.

Annette: [smiling] You're lying... You were madly in love with me. [she turns back to the mirror] Well I gotta get a look at this Marina, to see if she's worth it...

Jenny: [smiling] No...

Annette: Yeah.

Jenny: Oh no...

Annette: Yeah... no we gotta stalk her, no we gotta stalk her jenny just a little bit so I can see.

Jenny: no, no, no... no stalking.

Annette: Why?

Jenny: Because... um... her girlfriend's back in town.

Annette: Her girlfriend!

Jenny: I know...

Annette: Man, does this story get any better?

Bette: [voiceover at her and Tina's support group] What's happening to me?... Am I just panicking?... Is this about the baby?... Or am I falling out of love?

Dana: Slander against cats. Write that down.

[to Alice about using a strap-on]

Dana: Is it a bisexual thing? You tryin' to have your cake and eat your pussy too?

Shane: That's the cycle of life. We start out eating baby food and wearing a diaper and we go out that way.

Bette: [entering the bathroom] Baby, are you okay?

Tina: [smiles] I think my water just broke. Oh my God.

Bette: [calls the hospital] Hi Davina, it's Bette Porter, I am in the bathroom of the Wiltern theater with Tina and a huge puddle of water.

[Tina hasn't told Bette about the baby]

Alice: I mean, she's GOTTA know. Is she fuckin' blind?

Dana: You know, Al, just 'cause you're riding the big fat weenie doesn't mean there's something wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?

[regarding Dana's dead cat, Mr.Piddles]

Tina: He looks a little strange.

Alice: Yeah. I think he... hasn't really thawed out yet. We were afraid he was gonna decompose, so Shane and I put him in the freezer.

Tina: [regarding the baby's last name] I think we should do some sort of combo thing. You know? Instead of the whole hyphenated thing?

Bette: What, like, "Portard"?

Tina: Bette..."Hey poor tard! How's your two moms you big gay-mo?"

Peggy Peabody: I hope you girls write fabulous, sick, neurotic, tortured love poems to one another.

Bette: [smiling] I'm actually working on several right now.

Peggy Peabody: Send me one, would you Bette?

Bette: [Bette and Tina are talking on the phone] And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. The woman is a fucking dragon and she's making my life a living hell.

[Tina doesn't respond. Instead, she looks around impatiently, no longer looking interested in the call]

Bette: Oh, please tell me you're not sleeping with her, Tina.

Tina: [frustrated] Bette.

Bette: Are you sleeping with her? Are you fucking sleeping with her?

Tina: It's none of your fucking business.

Bette: Don't do it, Tina, that woman will eat you alive. She is a vampire.

Tina: Yeah, and a dragon.

Bette: That's right. She is a monster. However you wanna categorize it, she likes to fuck with people for sport and...

Alice: [Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test] How do you not pee on your hand?

Tina: You just aim below the clit.

Alice: Oh, really?

Tina: Yeah, where did you think pee came out of?

Alice: I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.

Peggy Peabody: I was a lesbian back in 1974.

Bette: Just 1974?

Peggy Peabody: Yes, that was all I needed.

Bette: That's what we commonly refer to as a "hasbian".

[on admitting that he is gay]

Burr Connor: I am a card carrying member of the Cock-Sucker's Club.

[interviewed by Mark]

Carmen: My name is Carmen de la Pica Morales. The first time I knew I was gay was back in high school when I fell in love with Lucia Torres, who was the girlfriend of Paco Fernandez, the toughest guy in school. She was one to be avoided by all the others, for Paco ruled the school. It was a unofficial rule: no-one screws with Paco's girl...but I did.

Jenny: Are you thinking about having sex with me right now?

Moira: It's crossed my mind...