The IT Crowd Quotations

The IT Crowd is a British comedy written by Graham Linehan. The comedy follows Jen, Moss, and Roy and their work in the IT department, based in the basement of Reynholm Industries.

Yesterday's Jam [1.1]

Roy: [answers phone] Hello IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? ... OK, well, the button on the side. Is it glowing? ... Yeah, you need to turn it on. Err, the button turns it on. Yeah, you do know how a button works, don't you? No, not on clothes.

[Moss's phone rings. He answers it.]

Moss: Hello IT. Yuhuh. Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?

Roy: No, there you go, I just heard it come on. No, that's the music you hear when it comes on. No, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry, are you from the past?

Roy: It's about time you got back. It's been all go.

Moss: You had a job?

Roy: Girl on fifth.

Moss: Did you and her 'hit it off'?

Roy: Define 'hit it off'.

Moss: Did she continue talking to you once you'd fixed her computer?

Roy: No. And while I worked on it she rested a cup on my back.

Calamity Jen [1.2]

TV Advert Narrator: [Voicing an Emergency Services advert] Has this ever happened to you? :[The old woman on the advert twists her ankle and falls down stairs, gets up and falls down second flight of stairs before picking up her phone and trying to dial 999] From today, dialing 999 won't get you the Emergency Services, and that's not the only thing that's changing! [upbeat music starts, followed by close-ups and shots of new emergency vehicles and team] Nicer ambulances, faster response times and better looking drivers mean they're not just the Emergency Services, they're your Emergency Services. So, remember the new number! :[upbeat voice singing to jingle] 0118 999! 881 999, 119 725! [short pause] 3! That's [number is repeated in similar style whilst the old woman dials the number and waits]

Old Woman: Hello? I've had a bit of a tumble.

Moss: [watching the ad] Well that's easy to remember. [singing in a similar style to the advert] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [pauses] 3!

Roy: [listening to Moss] I don't see how they couldn't just keep the other one. I mean, how hard is it to remember 911?

Moss: You mean 999-

Roy: Yes, yes, I mean 999! Yeah, I know.

Moss: That's the American one, you berk!

Moss: [Dialing] 0115…no…0118…no…0118 999 – 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to? Hello? Hello?

Moss: I know. Yeah. [sits down in front of the computer] Subject: Fire. "Dear Sir stroke Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." no, that's too formal. [Deletes] "Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help me, exclamation mark. 123 Carrendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."

Jen: I hate to remind everyone, but I just destroyed a merger that probably took hundreds of years to set up, the office is on fire, Denholm is furious, so can we please, please, concentrate on what's important, and HELP ME ON WITH MY SHOES!

Fifty Fifty [1.3]

Roy: The one time I manage to bamboozle a girl in the building into going out with me and this happens. Oh, she's gonna tell everyone.

Moss: Oh come on, she's a receptionist. She'd hardly gossip. Besides, it's a boring story.

Roy: Yeah, it's boring, it's boring. She won't tell anyone.

[Jen comes in the room, cackling with laughter]

Moss: She might have told Jen.

Roy: How do you know about this site?

Moss: Oh, I'm a member.

Roy: Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?

Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!

The Red Door [1.4]

Roy: [singing] We don't need no education.

Moss: Yes you do. You've just used a double negative.

Roy: It's just a boring old storeroom, that's all. It's just the storeroom where we keep the snippits.

Jen: What's a snippit?

Roy: It's a kind of plange.

Jen: Oh, a plange for the computers?

Roy: Yes, computer plange.

Jen: How can you two live like this?

Moss: [typing] How can you two...

Roy: Don't google the question, Moss!

The Haunting of Bill Crouse [1.5]

Roy: If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.

Jen: Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?

Roy: (sarcastically) No, after(!) OF COURSE BEFORE! Why would I do it after?

Roy: While he was eating, did you hear anyone laughing? Like... in the kitchen area.

Jen: Yes! Yes I did, actually, yes I did.

Roy: That'll be trouser food.

Aunt Irma Visits [1.6]

Jen: OK. Moss, what did you have for breakfast this morning?

Moss: Smarties cereal.

Jen: Oh my God. I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.

Moss: They don't. It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.

Richmond: You know how suggestible and easily swayed IT people are.

Roy: That's not true

Richmond: Yes, it is.

Roy: You're right. Of course it is.

Work Outing [2.1]

Roy: [about Gay: A Gay Musical] No, they're not. Hum one of the songs!

Jen: Willies, willies, I like willies...

Roy: It's I love willies.

Jen: What?

Roy: I LOVE willies.

Bartender: Sir... can you keep it down please?

Jen: No no no, if he was gay, why would he ask me out?

Moss: Well, don't take this the wrong way, but could he have thought you were a man?

Return of the Golden Child [2.2]

[Denholm's funeral]

Roy: I hate funerals, I never know what to say.

Jen: Just say, "I'm sorry for your loss," and move on.

Roy: [to Denholm's wife] I'm sorry for your loss. Move on.

Moss: I'm sorry for your loss.

Mrs. Reynholm: Thank you.

Moss: It's not like you've lost a pen, is it? It's so much worse. Would you like a pen? I have a spare one.

Mrs. Reynholm: No thank you.

Moss: Please take it.

Mrs. Reynholm: Why are you giving it to me?

Moss: I don't know. [Hands her the pen] Swings and roundabouts.

Moss and the German [2.3]

Narrator: (Parodying the PSA shown before films) You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a baby. You wouldn't shoot a policeman. And then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet. And then send it to the policeman's grieving widow. And then steal it again! Downloading films is stealing. If you do it, you will face the consequences.

Roy: (sitting with Moss in a dark room, watching the PSA) Man, these anti-piracy ads are getting really mean.

Douglas: [on the phone] You could come over here, we could put on some music, I could give you a back rub, see what happens. Oh no, wait, I've got this guy coming over to watch a DVD, another time maybe, okay. Oh, and some chicken wings please, thank you.

Dinner Party [2.4]

Jen: He's taking me to Paris this weekend.

Moss: Ah, Paris.

Jen: Have you been to Paris, Moss?

Moss: No. I've heard of it.

Jen: Now, I'll be honest with you, the reason I got you round a bit early is to go over a few ground rules with you. If this evening is going to work in any way, you need to pretend to be normal people, yeah? Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody. You know, nothing about memory or RAM.

Moss: Memory is RAM!

Smoke and Mirrors [2.5]

John: I don't think that's true.

Jen: With all due respect John, I am the head of IT and I have it on good authority. If you type "Google" into Google, you can break the Internet. So please, no one try it, even for a joke. (the executives laugh) It's not a laughing matter. You can break the Internet.

Moss: Prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame set at gas mark egg on your face! …I sort of forget what I was talking about.

Men Without Women [2.6]

Douglas: I like you, Jen. You don't ask questions. A lot of people would be confused as to why I invited them up here then asked them to leave, not you. A person's got to have a lot of backbone to allow herself to be ordered around like that. You've got spunk and balls, and I like that in a woman.

Douglas: Good God!

Jen: Mr Reynholm?

Douglas: You looked exactly like Melissa there.

Jen: Melissa?

Douglas: My wife. She died.

Jen: Oh, poor you, that's terrible.

Douglas: There's not a day goes past that I don't think of her. I'll never forget our final moments.

Woman: [in his head] Help me! My husband's trying to kill me!

From Hell [3.1]

Jen: Gary's a builder from Hell?

Roy: I think so.

Jen: Oh, so you're not sure.

Roy: Jen, I'm 99 percent sure.

Jen: What did he do?

Roy: The work was fine. There was nothing wrong with the work. But then they caught him ... he pissed in the sink.

Jen: Oh, oh! Which sink?

Roy: All the sinks. Yeah, he basically went on a pee parade around the house.

Douglas: I can't seem to get it open.

Roy: You want me to open it. that's why you called me all the way up here. To open your laptop?

Douglas: I would be beholden to you.

Are We Not Men? [3.2]

Moss: Just promise me we won't do anything else with them. I want to go back to being weird. I like being weird. Weird is all I've got. That and my sweet style.

Roy is hungover after drinking with a group of "real men"

Roy: When did the English start drinking like that? You people drink like you don't want to live!

Tramps Like Us [3.3]

Moss: Hello, Jen? Jen, can you bear with me one moment. I've got someone trying to get through on the other line. (Moss picks up the phone.) Roy speaking.

Jen: You just hung up on me.

Moss: Jen, can you hold on one second? I've got Jen on the other line.

Jen: No, no.

Moss: Jen, can I call you back? I've just got Jen on the other line. Jen, I'm sorry about that. Chicken in a basket. It has been all ruddy go today.

Interviewer: What does IT stand for?

Jen: What does it stand for? What doesn't it stand for?

Interviewer: Yes, yes, but what does it stand for?

Jen: It stands for, it stands for commitment. It stands for audacity. It stands for courage in the face of.

Interviewer: Yes, yes I can see what you're getting at, but the specific letters IT, what do they stand for?

Jen: What do you think they stand for?

Interviewer: No, no, perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I'm not looking for an interpretation, I really don't know what the letters actually stand for. So, let's start with the I. What does the I stand for?

Jen: I need to wee wee.

Douglas Reynholm: You there, computer man. Fix my pants!

Douglas Reynholm: God Damn, These electric sex pants

The Speech [3.4]

[Jen looks at small black box equipped with a single red LED light in the middle of the top side. Moss stands next to her.]

Jen: What is it?

Moss: This, Jen, is the Internet.

Jen: What?

Moss: That's right.

Jen: This is the Internet?

Moss: [Moss is nodding his head]

Jen: (suspiciously) The whole Internet?

Moss: (agreeably) Yep. I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech.

[Roy enters the room.]

Roy: (iritated) Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?

Jen: Moss said I could use it for my speech.

[Roy speaks to Moss in an edgy way.]

Roy: Are you insane? What if she drops it?

Jen: I won't drop it, I'll look after it.

Roy: No. No, no, no, no, Jen. [Takes the box back from Jen.] No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.

Jen: Big Ben?

Moss: Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.

Jen: I promise I won't let anything happen to it.

Roy: No, Jen, I'm sorry. [Jen becomes woeful.] The elders of the Internet would never stand for it.

Moss: Put seatbelts on your ears, Roy, because I'm about to take them for the ride of their life!

Friendface [3.5]

Roy: Oh no, it's all coming back to me now. She used to slap it [make-up] on with a trowel.

Jen: (applying more lipstick) Why don't women have the confidence to know that less is more?

Roy: Then, when she started crying, it all ran down her face. It was like breaking up with the Joker.

Calendar Geeks [3.6]

Jen: Why are you doing this?

Roy: Same reason I do everything, Jen: to have sex with a lady.