The Cosby Show Quotations

The Cosby Show was an American sitcom about, starring Bill Cosby, about a doctor and lawyer couple and their five children.

Theo's Economic Lesson

Theo: I mean, you're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, but I don't love you any less because you're my dad. So instead of being disappointed that I'm not like you, maybe you should be happy and love me anyway, because I'm your son.

Cliff: Theo...that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you in this world, and I'll take you out!

Cliff: Theo, your mother asked me to come up here and kill you.

Clair: Theres a new rule in this house, starting now: No one's to touch anyone anywhere with anything for the rest of their lives!

Goodbye,Mr.Fish

Cliff: Take the sunglasses off! Put the sunglasses on!

A Shirt Story

Cliff: I'll give you thirty dollars.

Theo: Thirty?!

Cliff: kay then, five!

Clair: Theo, put on your coat.

Theo: And cover up my Itchy Amorada?

Play it One More

[Vanessa is playing the clarinet badly while Cliff and Theo are playing chess]

Cliff [starts destroying the game.] Listen it's halftime.

Theo Dad, there's no halftime in chess.

Cliff Well the band is playing so, that's halftime.

How Ugly is He?

Cliff: [Talking to Denise's boy-friend] If you don't plan on going to college then what do you plan on doing?

David: I think I'm going to just spend some time trying to find myself.

Cliff: And how long do you think thats going to take?

David: About five or ten years.

Cliff: In that amount of time you could find yourself and a few other people.

Denise Dinners ready. '[as Cliff walks by']So how do you like him?

Cliff: I don't know if it's him or not; he hasn't found himself yet.

Slumber Party

Cliff: Now Rudy, what did your grandpa do to make you all quiet?

Rudy: He said if you all sit down quietly and smile, you'll give us all a dollar by morning.

First Day of School

Cliff:(to Theo) You worked hard this summer.I've never seen anyone work so hard at begging.Begging for money for pizza.Begging to stay up late to chase after little girls who don't love you.

(Theo is wearing a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off)

Cliff: Theo is that the shirt we bought?

Theo: Yeah.

Cliff: Well, when we bought it, didn't it have sleeves?

Theo: Yeah, they're upstairs.

Cliff: Well, didn't they feel like coming down this morning?

Cliff:(after saying how expensive the sweatshirt was) Now, if fashion dictates that you cut sleeves off, that's fine with me.But somehow, somewhere, in this lifetime, you will wear those sleeves.

Cliff: [Phone rings.] Oh,not another Vanessa caller. [answers.] Vanessa's residence? No,she cannot come to the phone right now. Because it's now 10:01, and she cannot take any calls past 10:00. No I cannot take a message, I am her father. I'm a doctor, I graduated from medical school, alright? Thank you for calling, this is a live voice.

Theo and the Older Woman

Cliff:(about Theo flirting on Denise's freind) The girl doesn't understand that the boy is fifteen years-old.At fifteen the boy would hit on a snake.

Denise Drives

Theo: It's important for a young, available man to have wheels.

Denise: Why is that?

Theo: Because he who walks, walks alone.

Call of the Wild

[Elvin and Sondra's diplomas have just fallen off the wall of their run-down apartment.]

Cliff: These are your degrees from Princeton.

Elvin: Yes.

Cliff: Fell down.

Elvin: Yes.

Cliff: Rather symbolic, don't you think?

Where's Rudy?

Cliff: I don't know what it is between your ears and brain that is dislodged. So whenever we tell you 'watch your sister', by the time it travels to your brain it turns to 'let her go wandering around the mall. And I just pray to the heavens that I could find something to fix it. A screwdriver or maybe a brick!

Clair: [Talking to Vanessa and Theo] Just go wait in the car.

Cliff: No wait under the car.

Kim : Are you lost?

Rudy: I was with my brother and sister but I left cause they were stupid.

A Room With No View

[Rudy and Vanessa are drinking orange juice]

Rudy: It's easy, for me, because I have better manners than you.

Vanessa: Rudy, its not nice to say that you have better manners than someone.

Rudy: Its true, because if you had any manners at all, maybe you have a boyfriend right now, and you don't because you're a pig.

Vanessa: You're the slop that pigs eat.

Rudy You are the piggy that make all the other piggies sick.

[Vanessa starts strangling Rudy. Cliff comes in the kitchen]

Cliff Stop it! What are you doing?

Vanessa I just wanted to straighten out her shirt!

Denise: The Saga Continues

Clair: Denise is married and I don't even know her last name.

Cliff: Mrs. Stupid.

The Last Barbecue

Elvin: Why can't we just have simple bodies....like Dad.

Cliff: This is your piece.

Sondra: Elvin, I don't know what you see when you look in the mirror but your body is certainly not complicated.

Elvin: Thank you Sondra, I'll be sure to keep my feelings about your body to myself.

Sondra: What feelings?

Elvin: It is not the time or place.

Sondra: No, what feelings?

Elvin: Your neck.

Sondra: What's wrong with my neck?!

Elvin: It's a shade thin, sometimes I wonder how you swallow.

Period of Adjustment

Rudy: This is woman stuff. I really need to talk to mom.

Cliff: I'm a gynecologist and you want to talk to a lawyer.

It' All in the Game

Clair: How about getting in the car to got to work and discovering your daughters understanding of 'empty' is 'I'll just park the car over here and mom fill it up'.

Cliff: How about leaving the car radio on so that both of us have a heart attack last time. You left the thing on so loud your mother's hair went straight up!

Theo: Mom, you guys don't give us enough credit for understanding you.

Clair: When have you understood us? And what have you understood? You, who are beyond understanding yourself. I don't understand, how could you possibly understand me?

Cliff: [About Theo in little league] We watched the ball hit you in the face, we watched the ball hit you in the back, and a couple of times we watched you say as the ball went past, "Hey, what's the big deal?" And finally the big game. The final score was 75 to 98. Between the two teams there was three hits, 672 errors, 547 walks, three kids were beaned, and we had to wait two hours for one kid to stop crying. The game was busted open by a grand-slam bunt!

Denise: How about when you have a date with a guy you really like?

Vanessa: Go ahead, tell him Denise.

Denise: And your father insists on meeting him. So what does he do? He takes the guy into the kitchen...

Cliff: Have a little talk.

Denise: Yeah, have a little talk with your four-foot buck-knife!

Vanessa: You took Jeremy into that kitchen, took two apples put them on top of each other. Said that was us. Took one of the apples, skinned it, and said that was him. I haven't heard from the boy since.

Theo: Dad, all those stories we have come to find out are not true.

Cliff: What? Who said? From who?

Denise, Theo, Rudy, Vanessa: Grandpa!

Cliff: You're going to believe a man that age?!

Clair's Liberation

Theo: Ah, your just in time, turkey burgers all around.

Claire: Alright, put one on my plate please? It looks good, I don't know what to put on it.

Cliff: How about some mustard.

Claire: Don't patronize me! I know what I want. I want some of the red stuff.

Theo: Mom, it's ketchup. [Claire gives him a look]

Cliff: Theo...[shakes his head no]

Theo: Right mom, red stuff.

Claire: Go get me a glass of water Rudy!?

Vanessa: Mom, I'm Vanessa.

Claire: Whoever you are, go get me a glass of water! No forget the water just give me ice, lots of ice! Pam get me a warm towel!?

Pam: Coming right up.

Claire: Oh, never mind, get out of my way! Ah this is so much better! [puts her face in the freezer]

Cliff: Would you get me some ice cream while you're in there?

Claire: Have you lost your mind, an ice cream would melt in this room, a person could burn up in this room. Never mind lets just get through this dinner! [slams the freezer door] Now where is Rudy?

Vanessa: Don't you remember, Denise took Rudy out tonight.

Claire: And who is Denise! Oh, that's right, that's the child's sister.

Theo: Mom would you like some peas?

Claire: I was hoping we have carrots. [starts crying]

Theo: We can make carrots mom.

Claire: It's too late, it's too late, I wanted something orange.

Cliff: Why didn't you fix some carrots boy? You kids are not worth a nickel around here.

Vanessa: Mom, its ok, they have tear ducts specialists for this.

Claire: My tear ducts are fine, it's my children who are so stupid!

Claire & Cliff: Gotcha!

Unsorted

Cliff: [About his mother] When I was her child, I'm telling you, this woman, all she wanted to do was take a stick and ask God to give her enough strength to knock us somewhere. And to this day I still do not know where kingdom come is. And all she is, as far as I'm concerned, is an old person trying to get into heaven now.

Claire: [Singing the blues]What am I to do? Surrounded by all these men. My sailor man is at sea. Now what was his name again?

Theo: I know I've been there.

Claire: Where? Where have you been? You have been nowhere. And that is where you're going to stay if you don't quit stirring up trouble.