Written and directed by Broken Lizard.

Mac

• YOU BOYS LIKE MEX-E-CO?!?! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
• (Cross-eyed and with slight lisp) Do we look like the two dumbest guys in the world to you? Is that why you treat us with such disrespect?
• GOOD ENOUGH TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER!!!!!!!!
• You're gonna feel a little pinch
• One... Two... Three... Do It!
• Evil Shenanigans (in high squeaky voice with hand motions)
• Don't forget to cup the balls.
• And that was the second time I got crabs.

Farva

• I guess that's it for the old locker. She stinks like ass but I'll still miss her. I guess you could say that about all my girls.
• How's it going Denim Dan? You look like the president, chairman, and CEO of Levi Straus. Hey where'd you get the Canadian tuxedo?
• License and registration ... CHICKEN FUCKER! BIQAKKKK!
• Stop calling me radio, unit 91!
• Who wants cream? Anybody? Ok, no cream
• WAIT, that one is Rabbit's. (Rabbit replies: Oh look, a bar of soap.) oh shit, I got you good you fucker!
• I'm all highway!
• No, its powdered sugar................Its delicious!
• I'm not even going to dignify myself with a response to that.
• Does that look like spit to you? Ah, fuck it!
• Can I get a litre o' cola?
• Liter is French for give me some fuckin' cola or I'll break vous fuckin' lips!!!!
• I don't want a large Farva. I want a goddamn liter o' cola!
• [when he pulls the sweepstakes ticket off of his cup and finds a hole] Dammit, you burger punk! You son of a bitch!
• I just lost a buck...to myself!
• What the crap, how come nobody called me?
• Capt, you know I'm not a pro-union guy.
• THAT'S MY CAR! THAT'S MY GIRL!
• Hey there Charlie's Angel.
• Hey there, dirty dogs! Did I miss the song? Sing it again, rookie biotch!!
• Open bar dude!
• I gotta bust criminals! It's what I gotta do!

Foster

• What size cells are these? Eight by eight? Ours are nine by nine... no big deal.
• You killed my dummy.
• It might have been my sixth, or even my seventh sense.
• Because you crapped on my heart!
• oh,Biker... I'm an idiot. [when Foster realizes that he misunderstood Ursula's disguise suggestion]

Rabbit

• You are freakin' out....man.
• I . . . guess I'll go take a shower then . . .
• See if they got any of those chocolate bananas...Foster?
• [After Thorny says, "You smell somethin', Rabbit?"] *Sniffs* Fear.
• What, are you gonna light my ass on fire?
• [After Thorny says, "Why don't you hop up on Uncle Rabbit's lap?"] I don't think that's such a good idea

Thorny

• (slow voice) Mother of God.
• Who wants a moustache ride?
• I am all that is MAN!
• OH, this little guy? I wouldn't worry about this little guy.
• It stinks like sex in here
• Where you boys heading.....Canada Eh....Almost made it
• What? They can't lump us in with that fuckin' Martian.

Captain O'Hagen

• I swear to God, I'll pistol whip the next guy who says "shenanigans"!
• Sorry about that, Bruce. These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.
• I'll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.
• That's it, you're off the road, never again. [Sir, it was not my fault!] And neither was the God-damn school bus! There was a time when we'd take a guy like you out back and beat you with a hose. Now you've got your God-damned unions.
• Drunk enough to kick your ass!
• [About Farva, realizing he has betrayed O'Hagen and the others] We shoulda took him out back and shot him a long time ago.
• Of *course* they started the fight! Now they've taken a jurisdictional grievance against us! I mean a murder on the highway! And you give them the investigation! Christ! We look like a bunch of pussies!
• I invented this gag, Rabbit! Only in my day, the rookie got naked! [Fires the pistol he is holding at a State Police cruiser, shattering a window] And we also used blanks...You're a sick motherfucker, Mack.

Dialogue

Rabbit: Oh look, a bar of soap.

Farva: Oh ho ho, Shit I got you good you fucker!

Mac:(with mocking voice and fake lisp) Awesome prank Farva.

Foster: Aw, Mac, you fucker!

Mac: Gree-tings. (Laughs) You guys are too slow.

Foster: You killed my dummy.

Thorny: Mac, now I'm going to pay you. But I shouldn't, 'cause I knew it was you the whole time.

Mac: Aw, Thorny, don't lie in front of the rookie. It sets a bad example.

Thorny: Foster, where are your shoes?

Foster: What, are you the shoe police now?

Thorny: I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar. Lets go.

Foster: Your black magic only works on the rookie.

Thorny: That's brown magic.

O'Hagen: I just got off the phone with Tom McCardle From the budget committee. This thing with Farva screwed our pooch.

Thorny: What? They can't lump us in with that fuckin' Martian.

O'Hagen: We're all in the same boat, fellas.

Mac: But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun.

Thorny: Yeah, his shenanigans are cruel and tragic.

Foster: Which wouldn't make them shenanigans, at all, really.

Mac: (Irish voice) Evil shenanigans!

O'Hagen: I swear to God, I'll pistol whip the next guy that says 'shenanigans!'

Mac: Hey Farva, what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?

Farva: You mean Shenanigans's?

Mac, Foster and Thorny: Oh, no! (Laughing) (Mac hands O'Hagen his gun.)

Farva: You're talking about Shenanigans's, right?

O'Hagen: Put those away!

Police Chief Grady: I'm sorry about that delousing. Just standard procedure.

Farva: It's powdered sugar.

Police Chief Grady: The lice ... hate the sugar. So anyway ...

Farva: [Interrupting] It's delicious.

Police Chief Grady: Good, good...

Mac: Come in Radio.

Farva: Don't call me Radio, Unit 91.

Mac: Don't call me Unit 91, Radio.

Farva: ...Are we done?

Mac: Yeah okay Radio. We got a suspicious vehicle, White Caprice, Vermont Plates, Tijuana, Gringo, Oner, Fiver, Zero

Farva: Roger, checking...Unit 91 that license plate belongs to a local Spurburry police vehicle.

Mac: It does?! OH MY GOD!!!

Farva: ...Very funny 91.

Thorny: Son do you know why I pulled you over?

Driver: Uhhh...

Thorny: Littering and... Littering and... Littering and... [the rest of the car joins in, cauisng the kid in the back to freak out from the echoes] smoking the reefer. [holds up bag of marijuana]

Driver: Oh, officer, that's not ours.

Kid in back: [deep groan] Candy bars.

Thorny: Now to teach you boys a lesson, me and officer Rabbit are going to stand here while you boys smoke the whole bag.

Kid in Back: Please, no.

Rabbit: Please, yes.

German Man: I'm sorry officer for the speeding violation, I'm so used to driving on the autobahn.

German Woman: Ich finde er sieht wie Shaun Cassidy aus. [I think he looks like Shaun Cassidy.]

German Man: Ja, das finde ich auch, yummi yummi. [I think so too, yummi yummi.]

Rabbit: Do you know why I pulled you over?

German Man: Because we were going way too fast.

Rabbit: Ja.

German Man: Ja. Well the thing is I cannot afford to have another ticket on mein Porsche. Is there something I could do for you, or perhaps something my wife could do? Perhaps there is something you would like to do to her?

German Woman: Is there maybe something you would like me to do to you? Or maybe something you would like to do to me? Hmm?

German Woman: Maybe some hard spanking und cuffing is in order.

Passenger: You didn't eat both those bags did you!

Kid in back: [mouth full of shrooms] Call Guinness!

Farva: Give me a double bacon cheeseburger.

Dimpus Burger Guy: [into microphone] Double baco cheeseburger. It's for a cop.

Farva: What the hell's that all about? You gonna spit in it now?

Dimpus Burger Guy: No, I just told him that so he makes it good. [into microphone] Don't spit in that cop's burger.

Farva:' Yeah, thanks.

Second Dimpus Guy: Roger, holding the spit.

Dimpus Burger Guy: Uhh, right. Beverage?

Farva: Gimme a liter o' cola

Dimpus Burger Guy: (into the mic) Liter Cola? Do we sell Liter Cola?

Thorny: Will you just order a large, Farva.

Farva: I don't want a large Farva. I want a goddamn liter o' cola!

Dimpus Burger Guy: (to Farva) I don't know what that is!

Farva: (enraged and grabbing the Dimpus Burger Guy) Liter is french for give me my fuckin' cola before I break vous fuckin' lip!

Larry Johnson: Sorry about the...

Foster: All right meow. Hand over your license and registration.

Foster: Your registration? Hurry up meow.

Larry Johnson: Sorry.

Foster: Is there something funny here boy?

Larry Johnson: Oh, no.

Foster: Then why you laughing, Mister... Larry Johnson?

Foster: All right meow, where were we?

Larry Johnson: Excuse me, are you saying meow?

Foster: Am I saying meow?

Larry Johnson: I thought...

Foster: Don't think boy. Meow, do you know how fast you were going?

Foster: Meow what is so damn funny?

Larry Johnson: I could have sworn you said meow.

Foster: Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree?

Foster: Am I drinking milk from a saucer?

Foster: Do you see me eating mice?

Foster: [Mac and the man are laughing their heads off now] You stop laughing right meow!

Larry Johnson: [Stops and swallows hard] Yes sir.

Foster: Meow, I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. It's the law.

Foster: Not so funny meow, is it?

Foster: [Foster gets up to leave, but Mac shakes his hands at him, indicating only nine meows] Meow!

Thorny:[After pulling over high kids] Where you boys heading?

High Kid: We're going to Canada for some french fries and gravy.

Thorny: Canada, eh?...Almost made it.

Taglines

• Altered State Police
• It's their highway. You're just driving on it.
• You don't mess with the law. The law messes with you.

Cast

• Jay Chandrasekhar as State Trooper Arcot 'Thorny' Ramathorn
• Kevin Heffernan as State Trooper Rodney Farva
• Steve Lemme as State Trooper MacIntyre 'Mac' Womack
• Paul Soter as State Trooper Jeff Foster
• Erik Stolhanske as State Trooper Robert 'Rabbit' Roto
• Brian Cox as Captain John O'Hagen
• Daniel von Bargen as Police Chief Bruce Grady
• Jim Gaffigan as Larry Johnson